3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 15 - Youth Is Wasted on the Dick - full transcript

With a few of his colleagues, Don confiscates the Solomons' house so they can watch the neighborhood because they suspect one of the neighbors is a video pirate. When a state criminal investigator takes over from Don and his gang, Sally feels very attracted to this lieutenant. Meanwhile, Dick wants to know what it's like to be young and, while on a spring break holiday with Mary, by chance meets his students and starts partying with them.

Oh, my god!

Last Night's game was brutal!

Oh, what happened?

"White Queen's Bishop 3 Takes
black Rook's pawn 4 in 12 moves!"

Aah! In your face,
andrei pershnekov!

Oh! Oh!

All right, fellas,
set up in here.

Move all this furniture out.

Hi, Donny!

You want an omelette?

I can't, Sally. I'm here
on official business.

And, yes, I would
like that omelette.

What kind of official business?

Mushroom and cheese.

Oh! And we suspect
that your neighbor

across the street
is a video pirate.

Ohh, you mean the guy with the
Peg leg and the eye Patch?

No, the guy right
next door to him.

I'm talking about
the kind of scum

that puts new Movies on Tape

and then resells them
illegally for a profit.

Don, when you nab this criminal,

as I know you will,

can you get us a copy of
Prince's much-maligned

and misunderstood film classic

under a Cherry moon?

Dick, you can get that
at any video store.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Both: But no.



Get those 22 power binoculars.

Put them on the tripod.

Bob, get the night
goggles for backup.

And, Phil!

Surprise me.

Man, I love it when you
order people around.

Order me around.

Well, there's really
nothing left to do.

I was sort of running
out of gas with Phil.




Well, I, uh...

I guess you could make
me that omelette.

Are you asking me or telling me?

And make it fluffy! Waah!

Since volume is proportional

to the cube of the radius,

then the atom is actually
10 to the 15th power...


What did I just say, Leon?

Uh, "What did I just say, Leon."

Students, we are talking about
the orbital trajectories

of subatomic nuclei.

This is the fun stuff
I promised you!

Dr. Solomon, how can you
expect us to concentrate?

Yeah, this is the last
class before spring break.

Ahh, yes, spring break.

The time when young people
give their minds a rest

from giving their minds a rest.

It's so great!

It's a whole week of
drinking and partying

and water-skiing naked at
midnight with a live goat!

It's going to be so much fun!

It sounds utterly infantile!

Not to mention a waste
of a very talented goat.

Come on, Dr. Solomon.
You were young once.

Why, no.

No, I wasn't.

Well, what do you mean?

None of your business!


you still pass for young.

What do you do
during spring break?

I like to use the time to relax

and find my center again.

And how do you do that?

Well, I picture a 50-mile
radius around you,

and I go outside of that.

Ah, that does sound relaxing.

Oh, Dick, I'm glad you're here.

I wanted you to see this.

"The bed and breakfast
on Sterling lake"?

Sterling lake is really
special to me, Dick.

I spent so many happy summers there
with my family when I was young.

Wait a second. You
had a youth, too?

Yes, Dick.

Well, what was it like,

or can you still remember?

It was wonderful.

We lived in log cabins
we built ourselves.

Oh! And when Mr.
Lincoln came to town,

we were all a-flutter.

What do you think
it was like, Dick?

I'm sorry, Mary.

I just feel like...

like I never had a youth.

What do you mean?

While you were growing up,

I was working as a color
spectrum particle separator

at the assemblage dome.

Boy, and I bitched about
working at the dairy queen.

Let's go to this bed
and breakfast, Mary.

Let's recapture your youth.

Let's have a threesome.

You promised you would never
ask me that again, Dick.

Uh, ok.

Let's just recapture your youth.


What is this?

I ordered a pastrami on
Rye without mustard.

This has mustard!

You call yourself a cop?

All right. All right!

Are those cops going to
be up here all night?

'Cause I'd really rather

have them come down to my place.

They're staking out this
guy across the street

who illegally pirates videos.

Does he have any
films starring...

chesty Doubloons?

Uh, I'm not sure. Why?

No reason.

Ok, boys, I'm out of here.

Now, listen up.

With the police
here day and night,

I want you all to
be on your guard.

Don't do anything that might
expose our True identities.

Come on, Dick. What do you
think we're going to do,

walk around in
T-shirts that say,

"Hug me. I'm an alien"?

I'm never going to
live that down, am I?

Your head looks funny.

Watch this.

I'm looking for an
officer don Orville.

I am he.

Jack mcmannus. State
crime division.

Well, what, like the feds?


Feds are federal.
I'm with the state.

It's feds...



Don, is he serious?

Listen up, people!

We've been chasing this video
pirate for a long time,

so I hereby commandeer
this observation post.

Don, this is your case.
Tell him!

Yeah, what am I supposed to do?

You can get me a sandwich.

Hey, who's this guy?

Jack mcmannus. I'm
with the state.

Ooh! A fed.

And this is your room.

Oh, my god. Mary, come
look at the room!

Oh, it's just as it was
when I was a little girl.

And I remember you!

My family, the albrights,

brought me here every summer.

I'm sorry, dear. I don't recall.

Oh, you must remember!

I loved your blueberry
belgian waffles.

I have so many guests here.

You people all blend together.

Oh! I have a wonderful idea!

We used to go to this
woodsy little place

called der burgerplatz.

The juiciest hamburgers
in the world.

It sounds der wonderful.

Shall we go now?

Or later.

After you've earned it.

Oh. You mean you want to...

But, Mary, it's still daylight.

Sure! That's the charm
of a place like this.

Oh, they should put
that in the brochure.

Why do you have to
ride don like that?

He's a good guy.

Well, I'm sure he is,
but I have a job to do.

I didn't make lieutenant
by being a softie.

Wait a second. You're a lieutenant?
So am I!

Salvation army.

Yeah, Yeah. I get to
ring your bigger bells.

So does the target have
a back door perimeter?

Yeah. I'll have a unit standing
by with a reserve blockade.

How you going in, "V"
Formation or 2 by 2?

Wow, you really know
your military tactics.

Oh, well, you know,
christmas crowds,

they're basically animals.

2 by 2, but if things get dicey,

I'm going to have to fall
back on sprint and cover.

That's exactly what I would do.

Shall we talk weapons?


Want to see my piece?


Oh, this is horrible!

Spring break has invaded
my little burgerplatz.

So this is what young
people do on spring break?

These kids have
ruined this place.

Oh, I don't know.

It looks like they're
having a pretty good time,

especially those people
over there with the...

Is that a goat?

Oh, let's get out of here.

There are other places to eat.

Tell you what, Mary,

why don't you go and I'll stay?


Uh, the burgers. You
love the burgers,

and you should have them, So
I'll stay and get in line

in this fun, awful place, and
bring them back to the room

eventually... right away!

Really, Dick? You're the best!

No, you're the best.

No, wait.

I'm the best.

It's so great!

Hey, Buddy!

Dr. Buddy!

Hey! Hey!

Caryn, Pitman, Leon,
what are you doing here?

A physics experiment.

Every time I pour
beer down my throat,

it obeys the laws of gravity.
Every time.

I'm Pitman!

I'm Pitman, too!


Can I join you?

Um, well, here's the THING:


This looks like so much fun!

Please, uh, tell me what to do.
I'll do anything you say.


I want to be your student,

and you can be my
esteemed professors.

I'm so totally esteemed.

Ha ha ha!

Ok, ok. Lesson one.

This is beer. Get to know it.

No, no, no, no.

Really get to know it.

All chanting: Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

Solomon, chug! Chug! Chug!


Solomon, Solomon,
Chug, chug, chug!

I'm Pitman, too!

So, Jack, what's the perp doing?

Sitting on the Couch.

What's he doing now?

Sitting on the Couch.

That bastard!

He's toying with us!

It's all right, boys.

We're going to tail This
freak until he makes a move,

and I know guys like this.

They always make a move.

Oh, yeah, they move, all right.

They move all over the place!

And if you'll excuse me, I
got to take care of a 514.

What's that?


Hey, lieutenant.

Hey, lieu... you.

What is it with that guy?

He makes me feel so...

tingly? Alive?

Yeah! Hey.

Would it be weird

if I went and
smelled his jacket?

Oh, we have.

Go ahead.

That's the last
time I get coffee

for Jack mcmannus.

Don, you got to sign in.

Since when do we
have to sign in?

Jack's rules.

Yeah? Well, I am not signing in!

Oh, why did they have
to bring in the feds?

This should've been my collar.

Why don't you break
the case yourself?

Yeah! Get the guy to
incriminate himself.

Yeah. Get it on tape
to make it stick.

What, you mean like a wire?

Well, look who just woke up!

Wearing a wire.


But who's going to do it?

I'll do it. Could be dangerous.

Harry'll do it.

Solomon: Oh. Here we go again...



I think I'm really
done throwing up now.

You're a wild man, Dr. Solomon.

Oh, I love this!
Living in the moment,

alcohol wreaking
havoc on my liver,

my body destroying itself
from the inside...

I just feel so alive!

Look at all those stars.

The universe is so big.

There has just got to be
intelligent life out there.

Oh, but they'd never come here.

I mean, what can we offer beings
of Such supreme intelligence?

Beer me!

Wow. You've turned into, like,

this whole other person, Dr.

You can call me Dick.

That's so cool, Dick.

You can call me Dr. Solomon.


Well, he put the fire out.

I think I'm really
done throwing up now.

Hi, Jack.


Ouchy, this dress is too tight.

Oh, yeah?

And too short. Ohh!


Happy birthday, Mr. President.


Listen, Jack,

I'm not going to lie to you.

I find you very attractive,

and I know you must
find me attractive,


well, you have eyesight.

But I'm on duty.

I'm wearing a thong.

I'll sign out.



Yeah, captain, I understand.
I'll be right there.

I'm sorry, doll.

I got to go.

There's something that
needs to be taken care of,

and I'm the only
guy who can do it.


You ain't kiddin', baby.

Isn't she hot?

She is so hot. Can I
make out with her?

You cannot. She's my girlfriend.

But I let my friends make out
with my girlfriend all the time.

Get over it, dude.
The girl is mine.


Hello, light Sleeper.

What's going on?

Ah, there was
nowhere else to go.

The bars were all closed.

So you brought them here?

Well, yeah!

Well, that's it!
The party's over!

Oh, come on, Mary,
weren't you ever young?

Hey, Leon!

Dance break!

Come on! Whoo! Yay!

I can't believe you would
ruin this place for me, Dick,

a place that meant
so much to me.

Grind it, Mary! Grind
all your problems away!

Stop! Stop this
ruckus this minute!

I am so sorry!

I have never been
so embarrassed.

Oh, you should be.

And I do remember you.

You're that fat little girl

who ate Everybody's
belgian waffles.

Well, I ne...

And this is the kind
of wild parties

and drunkenness

that your family brought
When they came here.


I want you out of
here by tonight!

Dance break!

Testing 1, 2. Testing 1, 2.

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Under my skin ♪

♪ I've got you... ♪

Pizza delivery.

I didn't order a pizza.

Yeah, well, it's part of a
special promotional plan.

There's nothin' but crusts.

Tommy: Don, don,
something's wrong.

I can't hear Harry at all.

What the hell was that?

Don: Oh, crap.

I think we've got the mic,
and he's got the speaker.

Tommy: What?

But... but then that means
that the video pirate

can hear everything
we're saying!

Don: Run, Harry.

Tommy: Run!

Run, you idiot! Run!

I gotta run.


Look at this place.

You really know how to
trash a hotel room, Dick.

I'm sorry, Mary.

What are these?

Oh, those are cantaloupe
balls injected with vodka.


I'm just so sorry.

I've ruined this place

that holds so many happy
memories for you.


No, that old woman was right.

My parents only brought drunkenness
and chaos to this place.

I guess I romanticized it
because I was fat and unhappy

and I just didn't want
to remember it that way.

That's so sad.

Have you ever thought
about selling your story

to lifetime?

You could call it

fat, fat little GIRL: The
Mary Albright story.

Why does your youth always seem
better When you look back on it?

Mary, however unpleasant
your youth was,

it's made you who you are today:

A bright, accomplished,
mature woman,

the woman I love.

Ohh, Dick.


Jack, are you leaving?

This case is a bust.

Barney Fife here alerted
the perp to our presence,

and now he's fled.

Boy, give us some credit.

Yeah. We screwed
up the case, too.

You are a disgrace
to that uniform,

and not just because
of that haircut.

Hey, Hey, hey!

At least don took some action.

Yeah. He blew all my hard work.

I can't even believe I was
ever attracted to you.

You know something?

You may be a big-time state cop,

and you may be gorgeous and
get high-profile cases

and make a lot of money, but
you got nothing on my Donny!

Thanks, Sally. That wasn't
emasculating at all.

You're welcome.

Bunch of yokels.

I'm out of here.

What's a yokel?

I don't know. Some
kind of cop talk.

Probably means brave.


Were you really
attracted to him?

I thought I was.

But, don...


You had the guts to
risk Harry's life.

Nothing makes me hotter
than a man of action.

I'll show you some action.

Oh, yeah. Order me around,
you funky small-town cop.

Get in there!

Waah! No! Aah!

It's funny. When young
people get rowdy

and dance in a bar,

everybody says they're
just having fun.

But when an adult does it,
they say, and I quote,

"Quick, call an ambulance! Some creepy
old man is having a seizure in here!"

I don't know. I think
youth is overrated.

Greasy hair and pimples,

constantly having to cover
your lap with a 3-ring Binder.

Yeah, but without young people,

we wouldn't have the young
guns movie franchises.

Or the young and the restless!

Or the noted
psychologist Carl Jung.

No, that's with a "J."
It doesn't count.

It has to. It's a homonym.

Homonyms don't count!