3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 5, Episode 13 - Rutherford Beauty - full transcript

To his own surprise, Dick has erotic fantasies about Nina. He doesn't know what to do until Tommy and Harry tell him it's absolutely normal to have erotic fantasies, even if they're not about your girlfriend. Dick feels comforted and even tells Mary about his fantasies. Meanwhile, Sally is under the spell of a cooking expert a la Martha Stewart and becomes such a great cook that an impressed Mary asks her to cater a dinner party she's hosting.

Now then, you have one hour
to complete your exam.

There's no cheating,
there's no talking,

and there's no way anybody will
be able to answer number 4,

Which, uh, I'm sorry to say,

is worth half the exam.

What? But, dr. Solomon, doesn't
that kind of defeat...

I'm sorry. I said no talking.

But... And begin!

Dr. Solomon.

Girl, enticingly: Dr. Solomon.

Nina, can't you see I'm right
in the middle of th...

Well, hello!

Hey, baby.

Good morning... baby.

How about I come over there
and rub your shoulders?



mmm, tell me how
much you like it.


I like it.

You are so sexy.

Oh... so damn sexy.

Kiss me.


dr. Solomon!

Rowl! Rowl! Rowl!

Dr. Solomon!

Ha Ha ha! Dr. Solomon! Ha Ha ha!

Dr... dr. Solomon.

Dr. Solomon?

Dr. Solomon!


What are you doing?

I said no talking! You fail!

Spaghetti's ready!

Oh ho! I've heard
about this spaghetti!

Ha Ha... uh...



Sally... Sally, aren't you
gonna drain this spaghetti?


You know, get rid of the water.

What do you want to do that for?

The water is my favorite part.

Quite frankly, I don't
even like the spaghetti.


Besides, even if we did
like the spaghetti,

separating it from the water

would be time-consuming
and dangerous.

Why don't you get one
of those strainers?

They sell great ones
at Bach and frankels.

Bach and frankels?

You've never been to
Bach and frankels?

Oh, it's great!

They got all kinds of
stuff for the kitchen.

They got, uh, the garlic presses

and cookie cutters
and Melon ballers...

they have actual melon ballers?

And all this time I've
been ballin' melons

with the inside of
my fingernails.

You should try to get there
as soon as possible.

All right. So, you want some
grated cheese on your spaghetti?

I'm... good.

Yeah, I'd love some.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.

Proposition 28 is going
to be a tremendous boost

for the arts and sciences
program, so thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, Dick, this event
for proposition 28

is really coming together!

Guess who I just got
off the phone with.


No! The man who wrote
proposition 28.


Dr. Hallstrom!

Oh, of course.

He's agreed to speak
at the dinner.

Now I just have to
deal with the details.

You know, the menu,
the decorations...

where's Nina?

Nina? Ahh... in her office. Why?

How long has she been in there?

I don't know. All morning.

Oh. So then it was
all in my head?


Oh. Hi, Dr. Solomon.

Uh... hello, baby.

What did you call me?

Is it a little warm in here?

I'm gonna turn on the air.

I'll be back in an hour.

Oh, Nina, I have
got to tell you,

that yoga is doing
wonders for you.

Thank you!

You look so toned and
fit and healthy.

Doesn't she, Dick?

Oh... I don't know. What
are you accusing me of?


That's because I never
touched anybody.

Right, Nina?

Uh... sure.

I gotta go.

Oh, don't forget your mat.


I'm sorry. I dropped
your firm buttocks.


Fern buttocks.

Uh, Fern...


You guys, this place
is ridiculous.


You got a paring knife, a
boning knife, a carving knife.

I got a tool that can
do all these things.

It's called a knife.

Mmm. Mmm. Oh, man!

Are those oven mitts
shaped like lobster claws?

I think they are!

Let's go!

Now, when you're serving
crab-and-mango autumn rolls

with Citrus dipping sauce,

be sure to hollow
out a summer squash

and use it as a
toothpick cushion.

You can do this.

"The Margaret Williams
lifestyle collection."

By now, our spun sugar
cream puff tower is ready.

Let's take a look.

Excuse me. Uh, what's the deal

with this perky lady and
her lifestyle collection?

Oh, she's wonderful.

Have you seen her new book?

"Baking with Margaret."

She shows you how to make 100
different kinds of cookies.

I've never made my
own cookies before.

Especially not ones shaped
like different breeds of dog.

Oh, and this one has some
terrific decorating ideas.

Take a look.

Oh, my god!

She makes candles
out of birdseed?

A 20-layer wedding cake?

Shampoo topiaries
for the shower?

Wow. Do women
really do all this?

I do.

I do, too.

I'm a lobster! Aah!

Lobster. I'm the lobster!


Whatever you do,

do not throw away that apple.

This books says that I can
dry it, fill it with cloves,

and use it as a natural
room deodorizer.

What has gotten into you?
The minute you get home,

you start puttin' these tiny
little wreaths on every doorknob?

So "The room can Bloom."

You know, before I
read these books,

I thought I was doin'
pretty good as a woman,

but now I realize I was
totally inadequate. I mean,

this... This is what being
a real woman is all about!

Sally, you know, I think that's great.

By the way, remember when
you said "Room can Bloom"?

That almost made me throw up.


You're not getting any
schnauzer cookies.

Oh, Harry... Tommy...

You know, the oddest thing
happened to me today.

I was in class, wide awake,

and suddenly I started having these
really erotic Thoughts about Nina.

So what? You had a fantasy.

A fantasy? You've had them, too?

Yeah. I have them all the time.

At school, at the store.
I once had one

when I was picking out
a bicycle helmet.

What about you, Harry?

I'm havin' one right now.

I don't understand. I'm
in love with Mary.

I don't want to be with Nina.

I know, and I'm in
love with Alissa.

I don't want to be with the
entire girls' volleyball team.

What is the matter with us?

Well, Dick, maybe it's not us.
What are you saying?

I'm saying Maybe someone else is
making us think these things.

Like who?

The women.

That's it! Of course!
It's the women!

With their feminine voices...

and their soft skin...

and their angora sweaters

and their hot little feet.

Oh, they're doing it again!
No! Stop that!

Nina. Oh, good.

Dr. Solomon. You're here early.

Uh, Nina... there's something
that we have to discuss.

Here. Have a seat.



Have you been coming on to me?


Oh, come on.

Parading around in your
little yoga outfits,

accidentally bumping
into me in the office,

wearing scented deodorants.
I know your game.

Dr. Solomon, I...

How dare you try to come between
me and the woman that I love,

and right under Mary's ignorant nose?
You bitch!

Ooh. You know I love it
when you talk dirty.

You do?

Get your Butt over here.


Tell me what you want, Dr.
Solomon, and I'll give it to you.

But, Nina, we're... we're right...
we're in...

Tell me what you want.

Tell me what you want!

Uh, Nina!

Tell me what you want!

Tell me what you want!

Tell me what you want! Oh! Nina!

You've got to tell me
what you want for lunch.

Huh? Huh?


What do you want for lunch?

Uh, uh, uh... pizza.

And... hold the buttocks.

All right, everybody...
dinner's ready.


This looks great, Sally.

You folded breadsticks
into the napkins!

Yes, Well, unfolding a napkin

is like unwrapping
a little gift.

It makes every meal feel
like a celebration.


I, uh, think you're sittin'
in my seat there, Tommy.

This is where I always sit.

Well, not according to the
little pumpkin place card,

it's not, no.

Then that's a mistake.

There was no mistake, Tommy.
You sit here.

I felt that the conversation
would be more lively

if the people with
the least in Common

were sitting next to each other.

There's only three of us.

Well, it's at the
smallest dinner parties

that you make the biggest discoveries
about your closest friends.

Sally, I've been to parties.
This isn't a party.

Whoa! Are these plates
made out of ice?

That's right. Instead
of washing them,

you just put them in the
sink and Let them melt.

Yeah, see, this is a party...

one of them... one of them crazy
meltin' plate kind of parties.

♪ Hello ♪

Oh, we're in the kitchen!

Hi. Oh, my god!
Look at this table!

Did you do this?

Yeah. All by myself.

What's the occasion?

Well, any time you sit down
at a table, it's an occasion.

Oh... boy, Sally,

I wish you were
available for my party.

You're having a party?

Mmm. At the university
gallery in a couple of days,

and I haven't had a second to...

How many people? 30, 35.

I'll do it. Are you sure?!

Yes. I promise you, Albright,
everything will be perfect.


oh... oh... oh, no.

Mary... would you be mad if I told you I...
I had a sexual fantasy?

Well, why would I be mad at you?

Because it's dirty and naughty
and lots and lots of fun.

Is there any other kind?

You've had one, too?

Uh, tell me. Mary,
tell me what it is!

You really want to hear it?


There I am... in a public place,

and there are people all around,

and all of a sudden, you
arrive from out of nowhere.

Oh, goodness, I'm sneaky.

And you start to seduce me.

What? Am I naked?

No. Can I be?


Anyway, I'm afraid we're
gonna get caught,

so I try to stop you.

Well, you're no tramp.


But the more I resist...

the more passionate you become,

and we just go at it

in the middle of everybody.

Oh, you are a tramp!

Ok. Now you have
to tell me yours.

Oh. Well... ok.


So there I am in the office,

sitting at my desk
before Class...


just grading my exams...

Oh, I know where this is going!

Uh-huh. So, there I am, just sitting
there minding my own business...

go on.

When in walks Nina.


Yeah. You betcha!

And then all at once we
start making crazy love

like It's going out of style.
I mean, is that hot or what?


Hey... wait a second!

I thought we were
all turned on here!

Hello, Dr. Solomon.

Oh, what the hell?

Mary, did I do something
to upset you last night?

Well, maybe it was
your fantasy, Dick.

Maybe you should just
keep your big mouth shut.

Well, what's the big deal? You told
me yours, and I told you mine.

Yeah, but mine
didn't involve Nina.

I sort of wish it had.

Well, I'm sorry, Dick,

that our sex life isn't exciting
enough to keep you interested.

Oh, but it is, Mary.

I didn't invite Nina in.
She just showed up.

Good morning.


Here's the list of confirmations

for tomorrow night's dinner.

Everyone said yes.

I just needed the list,
Nina, not your commentary.

What's the matter with you?

Nina, it's just that Mary is...


I'm sorry, Nina.

I think it's just the
stress of this dinner.

Oh, come on, Mary. We both
know it's not the dinner.

It's the dinner, Dick.
Let's be honest, Nina.

Mary is upset because I've been
having sexual fantasies about you.

About me?

Oh, don't act so innocent, Nina!


Oh, please.

Maybe if you started
dressing like a grown-up

instead of some teenybopper
Pat Benatar wannabe...

now, Mary, Mary...

You know something, Mary? Maybe
if you changed your hairstyle

once a decade, your pervert of a boyfriend
wouldn't have to think about me.

Now, Nina... mar...

How dare you?

How dare you?

You want some of this? Come on.

Wha... wha... MA... ma...
Mary, no. That's it!

That's it!

I have to put a
stop to all this.

Mary, I still love
you and only you...

in spite of your hair.

And... and, Nina, rest assured
that as far as I'm concerned,

you might as well be a man...

a man named Nino.

Now... are we all happy?

Ohh! Ohh!




those napkins are supposed
to look like swans,

not something that came out
of an old man's pocket.

All right. Here you go, Sally.

Every damn Pine Cone
within 20 miles.

Ok, well, you know what?

Uh, I actually decided to go
with Fresh Herb centerpieces.

You don't understand. We climbed
trees for these things.

We fought squirrels.

Now, come on, guys,
don't be upset.

We'll just make 'em into puppets

for those long winter nights
at home alone with the kids.

You can tell that to the
freakin' squirrels!

I can't do the swans!
Sally, I can't do 'em!

Well, then, uh, try a Peacock.

A Peacock's even Harder.

I'll see you later.

Oh, hey, Dick.

Oh, don... Mary's
furious with me,

and I don't know
what I did wrong.

Oh, don't sweat it, Dick.
It'll blow over.

I told her I had a sexual
fantasy about Nina.

Good god, Dick!

You couldn't make a
dumber move than that.

And then I told Nina.

I stand corrected.

I don't understand. I
never touched Nina.

Why is Mary so upset?

Well... maybe she thinks she
doesn't excite you anymore.

But how do I let her
know that she does?

Oh, what are you
askin' me for, Dick?

I can't even make a
Swan out of a napkin.

You can't?

No. Oh, no, but it's easy.

You just make a Peacock and
then flatten out the tail.


Hi. You havin' a good time?

Sir, your Lavender votive is
supposed to stay on your plate

till Dinner's served.

Makes the table look prettier.


Hey, Sally, these
crab-and-mango autumn rolls

are really moving.

What are those used toothpicks
doing on the plate?

People put them there after
they eat the autumn rolls.

Ok, so why did I hollow out a summer
squash to make a toothpick cushion

if no one's gonna use it, hmm?

Ahh, Everyone's having fun.

Yeah... At my expense. I mean, you work
so hard to make everything perfect,

but do they care? No. I mean,
has anybody even noticed

the... the crouton turtles
in the Olive oil ponds? Huh?

Or... or that the napkin rings
are made out of edible flowers?

No one, not one single person,

has even mentioned the
Herb centerpieces!

Smell the perfection! Smell it!

Harry, I think I need a
glass of chardonnay.

All right.


And here you go.

Is that a Pine Cone?

Well, yes, it is.

Can I get one without
a Pine Cone?

Not as long as I got 3
bushels of 'em back here,

no, you can't.

Hello, Mary.

Hello, Dick. Dick!

Make love to me, Mary...
right here, right now.

Are you out of your mind?!

No, but I'm out of my pants.

Touch my body.

Why are you doing this?

Because it's your fantasy

that I seduce you in public.

It's not supposed to be real!

Why not, if that's
what you want?


Oh, dr. Hallstrom! Quick.
Get under the table.


dr. Albright.

I must commend you.
This is quite an event.

Oh... dr. Hallstrom, thank you.
I... ohhh!

Are... are you pleased?

Yes. Very.

And none of This
would've been possible

without your passion,
your commitment.

Stop it.

I beg your pardon?

I mean... stop it!

Oh. Well, enjoy the
rest of the evening.

I am... I did... I will!
Oh, thank you!

You know, it's amazing how
our fantasies allow us

to explore forbidden

I wonder how many people are
fantasizing about me right now.

Including you... one.

By the way, I bumped into Alissa.

She'd never heard about your
volleyball team fantasy.

Ohhh... crap.

Yeah, you guys want to talk
about fantasy, I'll tell you,

try to live your life as
perfect as they tell you to

in those books. That's
a real fantasy.

So no more fancy table settings?

I don't care if you
eat with your feet.

That wouldn't be
a problem for me

'cause I got lobster claws!

Stop with the lobster!
Ok? I don't like it.

All right. All right.

Lobster claws!

I don't like it! All right?

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