3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 6 - Moby Dick - full transcript

Dick eats a lot lately because he tries to compensate missing Mary. His effort to lose the weight doesn't work: he finds it impossible to stick to his diet. Sally has gotten a tomato plant from Mrs. Dubcek and starts talking to it and even names it. Tommy thinks August might be cheating on him and Harry volunteers to get to the bottom of it.

HEY. WHERE ARE ALL
THE MARSHMALLOW BITS?

THEY JUST POURED OUT THAT WAY.

HEY, YOU GUYS. LOOK. DUBCEK
GAVE ME A TOMATO PLANT.

I'M GONNA FEED IT, AND
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,

WE'LL HAVE FRESH,
PLUMP, JUICY TOMATOES.

SILLY SALLY. YOU CAN
GO DOWN TO THE CORNER

AND GET FRESH
TOMATOES FROM MR. LEE,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE
TO FEED HIM NOTHIN'.

HE HATES IT WHEN YOU EVEN TRY.

Dick: SALLY! LOOK AT THIS!

YOU SHRUNK MY FAVORITES
PANTS! NO, I DIDN'T.



THEN GIVE ME ONE OTHER LOGICAL
EXPLANATION WHY THEY DON'T FIT ANYMORE.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE...

HUSH! HUSH!

LISTEN! MR. FROSTY SMOOTH!

OH, HE'S EARLY TODAY.

MR. FROSTY SMOOTH!

MR. FROSTY SMOOTH!

GOOD MORNING, NINA...

MARY.

MORNING.

I, UH... LIKE YOUR
BELT, DR. SOLOMON.

THIS ISN'T A BELT,
NINA. IT'S A TIE.

I THINK SOMEBODY'S
GETTING A SPARE TIRE.

FORGET IT, MARY.
IT'S A LITTLE LATE



TO TRY TO BUY MY
AFFECTION WITH GIFTS.

I MEANT YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT.

WHY SHOULD I BE CONCERNED
ABOUT GAINING WEIGHT?

MY BODY IS JUST THE VEHICLE
THAT CARRIES MY BRAIN AROUND,

AND MY BRAIN DESERVES A
SMOOTH, LUXURIOUS RIDE.

OK, DICK. GET FAT. I DON'T CARE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE
IF YOU DO CARE.

AS IF I CARED THAT YOU
DIDN'T CARE THAT I CARED.

AS IF I CARED THAT YOU
DO CARE IF I CARE OR NOT.

I COULDN'T CARE LESS
IF YOU CARE THAT I CARE!

WELL, NOW, THAT
WAS UNCALLED FOR!

PEANUT BRITTLE?

YOU KNOW, DR. SOLOMON,

SOMETIMES WHEN THERE
ARE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU USE EATING AS A
WAY OF FILLING THAT VOID.

CHANGES? WELL, NOTHING
HAS CHANGED IN MY LIFE.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT
THAT MARY AND I ARE NO LONGER...

ROMPING LUSTFULLY IN
PASTURES OF DELIGHT,

OUR WRITHING BODIES
ETERNALLY ENTWINED,

GLISTENING LIKE THE MORNING DEW.

BINGO.

OH, POPPYCOCK!

YOU DON'T SEE MARY
GAINING WEIGHT,

AND SHE'S LOST A
LOT MORE THAN I HAVE!

SHE LOST ME!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT GUY

WHO CUT OFF HIS FINGER IN SHOP CLASS,
AND THEN SEWED IT BACK ON IN HOME EC?

THAT'S JUST AN URBAN MYTH.

OH, DID YOU WANT TO SEE
THUNDER TRAIN? IT'S PLAYING AT 6:00.

I ALREADY SAW IT.
WHEN DID YOU SEE IT?

JUST THE OTHER NIGHT.

YOU KNOW...

BY MYSELF.

YOU NEVER GO TO THE
MOVIES BY YOURSELF.

WELL... YEAH, BUT...

WENDY REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT.

WAIT, WAIT. WAIT.

YOU SAW IT ALONE... WITH WENDY?

WELL, I COULDN'T VERY
WELL HAVE BEEN ALONE

IF I SAW IT WITH
WENDY... NOW, COULD I?

AAH!

WHY ARE YOU SO JUMPY?

OH! I'M SMACK DAB IN THE
MIDDLE OF DYING IS DEADLY.

NUMBER 14 IN THE ANSON
NEMBROOK DETECTIVE SERIES.

OH, IT'S A GRIPPER.

I THINK AUGUST IS
CHEATING ON ME.

WHY? DID SHE TAKE OUT A
BIG INSURANCE POLICY ON YOU

AND THEN HAVE HER LOVER
CUT YOUR BRAKE LINES?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, DON'T ASK ME.

I'M 3 DAYS AWAY FROM RETIREMENT.

I GOTTA KNOW.

OK! YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

I'LL TAIL HER FOR YA.

I COULD DO THAT.

OH, YEAH, BUT SHE KNOWS YOU.

SHE KNOWS YOU, TOO.

WELL, YEAH, BUT NOT INTIMATELY.

ME, NEITHER.

REALLY? WELL, THEN
WHY DO YOU CARE?

OH!

WELL, THAT LOOKS PRETTY CRAPPY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DID
EVERYTHING I'M SUPPOSED TO DO.

IT'S JUST NOT WORKING.

MARTHA STEWART SAYS IT HELPS
IF YOU TALK TO YOUR PLANTS.

OH, YEAH? MMM.

HI.

I'M SALLY.

Dick: SALLY!

SALLY, DO I LOOK FAT?

YOU WANT THE TRUTH? NO.

YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

OK.

WELL, THANKS A LOT!

OH, DICK, JUST BE
THANKFUL YOU'RE A MAN.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU
GUYS CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, DON'T I? YOU KNOW,

THE ONLY TIME A WOMAN
IS ALLOWED TO GET FAT

IS WHEN SHE'S PREGNANT,
BUT SHE CAN'T EVEN ENJOY IT

BECAUSE SHE'S BARFING ALL THE TIME AND
HER BOOBS ARE TURNING INTO A RESTAURANT.

BUT MEN CAN BALLOON UP
TO THE SIZE OF A VOLKSWAGEN

AND STILL GET DATES.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT!

OH, NOT YOU, DICK.
YOU'RE SLOPPY FAT.

OH, ALL RIGHT, FINE. SO WHAT IF
I HAVE PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT?

BIG DEAL. I CAN LOSE IT. I'M THE
HIGH COMMANDER OF THIS BODY.

I'LL JUST ORDER
IT TO STOP EATING.

NO, DICK. IT'S AN EARTH BODY,
OK? IT WON'T LISTEN TO YOU.

FIRST THING WE NEED IS A STRATEGY.
LOOK WHAT I WAS READING EARLIER TODAY.

"FARMER LOSES LEG
IN WOOD CHIPPER"?

WELL, THAT'S GOTTA BE
10 POUNDS RIGHT THERE.

NO. NOT THAT. THIS.

"SUZANNE SOMERS REVEALS HER
SECRET SUMMER SLIMMING TIPS."

I WANT TO KNOW!

SO, UM...

HOW'S YOUR DIET
GOING, DR. SOLOMON?

OH, IT'S NOT JUST A DIET, NINA.

IT'S A COMPLETE
LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

SALLY JUST SIGNED ME
UP FOR A STEP CLASS.

I'M DRINKING 8 16-OUNCE
GLASSES OF WATER A DAY,

AND I CAN EAT ALL
THE GRAPEFRUIT I LIKE.

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE TO DIET

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE
WILLPOWER TO SIMPLY EAT RIGHT.

MMM.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW
DELICIOUS THIS GRAPEFRUIT IS.

Mary: MMM.

WOULD EITHER OF
YOU LIKE A TASTE?

NO, THANKS. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

CAN I TASTE YOURS?

YOU KNOW, DICK,
IF YOU'RE TOO WEAK

TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH
PIZZA, NINA AND I CAN GO IN HER OFFICE.

OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT...
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A WHOLE GRAPEFRUIT
FOR JUST ONE PEPPERONI!

LET'S GO.

NO! UH... UH... HOW
ABOUT 2? 2 GRAPEFRUITS!

2 DELICIOUS GRAPEFRUITS!

AND MY WATCH!

HEY, YOU THIRSTY?

OH, I KNOW YOU.

YOU WOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING IF YOU WERE.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT RUDE OR DEMANDING
LIKE MOST PEOPLE I KNOW.

YOU MUST BE BORED
OUT OF YOUR MIND.

NO. NOT AT ALL.

I WAS TALKING TO THE PLANT.

WELL, TOMMY, I'VE GOT
THE EVIDENCE RIGHT HERE.

WHUP!

BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU, KID...

YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE.

HARRY... ALL THESE
PICTURES ARE OVEREXPOSED!

WELL, I TOLD YOU
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

WHAT WAS SHE DOING?

"3:35...

"SPOT AUGUST TALKING TO FRIENDS.

"3:42. AUGUST GETS ON BICYCLE.

"PURSUE ON FOOT.

3:46. TRIP OVER GARBAGE CAN."

"3:46. FOLLOW AUGUST
TO THE LIBRARY,

"WHERE SHE STUDIES
ALONE UNTIL IT CLOSES...

"AT 3:46.

"I THEN FOLLOW HER HOME,

"WHERE SHE ARRIVES AT EXACTLY...

3:46."

HARRY, WHAT TIME IS IT?

3:46.

WHERE DOES THE DAY GO?

Woman: AND UP! AND STEP!

AND UP! AND STEP!

AND UP! AND STEP!

EYE OF THE TIGER, DICK!

IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

Woman: AND STEP! AND UP!

AND STEP! AND DOWN!

UP AND STEP AND UP AND STEP!

THAT'S AS FAR AS IT'LL GO.

OH, FIDDLE-DEE-DEE.

I'VE GOTTA GET BACK
DOWN TO A 32 WAIST.

OK! ON THE COUNT
OF 3, DEEP BREATH.

1, 2, 3.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M BECOMING THIN AGAIN. SALLY!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA EXERCISE.

SALLY! HELP HARRY! WHAT?!

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S CALLED "THE SHATNER."

NOW... NOW, GO ON, PULL.

TOMMY! TOMMY! PULL. PULL.

1, 2, 3, GO! ALL RIGHT. GOT IT.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

OH... WHAT... NO. DICK. DICK.

DICK.

DR. SOLOMON! YOU LOOK GREAT!

THANK YOU, NINA.

I FEEL GREAT.

YOU DROPPED YOUR CALCULATOR.

NO, THAT'S WHERE I KEEP IT.

3 TIMES 4 EQUALS...

12. JUST AS I THOUGHT.

HERE. LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Mary: DICK?

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT?

I COULDN'T BE BETTER.

Harry: OOH! OH!

HARRY?

I'M NOT HARRY.

UM... WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH THE CAMERA?

WHAT CAMERA?

PUT DOWN THE RIBS AND
STEP AWAY FROM THE PLATTER.

NO.

OK, THEN. BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE...

IF YOU TAKE ONE
BITE OUT OF THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA HATE YOURSELF
MORE THAN YOU ALREADY DO.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO FACE
THOSE CONSEQUENCES, SOLDIER?!

URRHH!

YOU'RE PATHETIC.

OH, I KNOW! YOU
KNOW, NINA WAS RIGHT.

I DO HAVE A GAPING
HOLE INSIDE OF ME,

BUT IT'S NOT MY
FAULT! IT'S THIS BODY!

IT HAS A STUPID DESIGN FLAW.

IT THINKS IT CAN FILL AN
EMOTIONAL VOID WITH FOOD!

GOD. COME ON, JEREMY.

YOU NAMED IT JEREMY?

I WAS GONNA CALL HIM
LYCOPERSICON ESCULENTUM,

BUT IT SOUNDED KINDA SNOTTY.

COME ON, HARRY.

I SEE.

SO SUDDENLY IT'S A
CRIME FOR A GROWN MAN

TO HANG AROUND THE HIGH SCHOOL

TAKING PICTURES
OF THE YOUNG GIRLS.

WHATCHA EATIN' THERE, DICK?

RIBS.

FAT-FREE RIBS?

OH, SHUT UP!

MY DIET IS DEAD.

OH. DIET, HUH? MUST BE ROUGH.

LUCKY FOR ME, I WAS BLESSED
WITH A HIGH METABOLISM.

THANKS FOR THE RIDE, DON.

HOLD IT THERE, HARRY.

I CAN ONLY RELEASE YOU INTO
THE CUSTODY OF A FAMILY MEMBER.

WELL, I'M RIGHT HERE.

NOT YOU. WHERE'S SALLY?

SHE'S IN THE OTHER ROOM.

IS SHE ALONE?

WELL, SHE'S WITH JEREMY.

JEREMY.

WELL... IT'S LIKE
SHE'S OBSESSED.

YOU GOT ANY MORE HOT SAUCE?

CAN I HAVE A RIB?

NO! NO!

DR. SOLOMON...

NOT NOW. I'M WORKING.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?

IT'S NOT MINE! OH!

IT'S THOSE DAMNED RACCOONS!

THEY HAVE LITTLE
HANDS, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE REALLY WORRYING ME.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

LOOK AT YOURSELF.

NO! LOOK AT YOURSELF.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

I'M HUGE!

OH, NINA!

I'M DOOMED...

DOOMED TO A LIFE
OF FORLORN PUDGERY.

I'M GONNA BE REFERRED
TO AS "HUSKY" AND "JOLLY."

PEOPLE WILL NICKNAME ME
"TINY," AND THEY'LL LAUGH

AND THROW ROTTEN FRUIT AT MY
REAR AS I PASS THEM IN THE STREETS!

NOBODY DOES THAT.

WELL, I DO.

OH, NINA, I NEED HELP!

GOOD. DR, SOLOMON, ADMITTING
YOU NEED HELP IS HALF THE BATTLE.

THE OTHER HALF
WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE

A CHERRY CHEESECAKE, WOULD IT?

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.

HUH. WELL, IT SHOULD BE.

TOMMY! THIS TIME
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS.

WHAT IS IT?

AUGUST IS CHEATING ON YOU.

DARRIN LASKEY.

YEAH.

HARRY, HOW IS THIS GOOD NEWS?

OH, WELL, LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS.

WHAT'S THAT, DICK?

NINA SAYS I NEED MORE
STRUCTURE AND SUPPORT,

SO I... I JOINED A
WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAM...

FAT-LOSERS.

"THE FAT-LOSERS
7-DAY DIET PLAN."

WELL, NOW WE'RE TALKING!

BUT IT LOOKS SO HARD!

OH, QUIT BEING A BABY. THIS IS

EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED,
DICK... SOME DISCIPLINE.

OK. LET'S...

LET'S, UH, START WITH
THE BREAD GROUP.

OK. HA. YOU CAN HAVE

HALF A REDUCED-CALORIE BAGEL,

OR YOU CAN EXCHANGE IT
FOR 6 SALTINES AND A TORTILLA!

AH. TONIGHT YOU WILL BE HAVING

THE LO-CAL SYMPHONY SALAD.

ALL RIGHT. HERE,
GIVE ME YOUR TOMATO.

WHAT, MY... MY TOMATO?

UM... UH, MAYBE WE'RE
RUSHING THINGS HERE, DICK.

I MEAN, LOOK, WE'RE RACING
THROUGH A WHOLE WORLD

OF COTTAGE CHEESE OPTIONS.

NO. I'VE MADE MY DECISION.
NOW, GIVE ME YOUR TOMATO!

NO! DON'T MAKE ME DO
THIS, DICK! I'LL TAKE THAT ONE.

JEREMY?! YES, AND THOSE 2
LITTLE COWARDS HIDING BEHIND HIM.

AAAHHH!

HI. A NEW FACE. HAVE
YOU WEIGHED IN YET?

UH, YES. THAT FAT-LOSER
OVER THERE HELPED ME.

THAT'S LILLY. SHE'S BEEN A
FAT-LOSER FOR OVER 9 YEARS.

WELL, I SEE YOU HAVE YOUR WATER
BOTTLE AND YOUR MENU PLANNER.

HERE'S A FOOD SCALE.

OH. IT'S OFFICIAL.
I'M A FAT-LOSER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

OK, COULD EVERYBODY
PLEASE TAKE A SEAT?

I'VE GOT A LOT OF GOOD
NEWS HERE TODAY, PEOPLE.

JOE McBRIDE... 2 POUNDS!

AND HE SPENT THE
WEEKEND IN NEW ORLEANS!

GOD, I LOVE THAT CRAWFISH.

STEPHANIE HAYES, 4 WHOLE POUNDS.

YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. 4 POUNDS.

NOW, HERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS
FINALLY HOLDING HER GROUND...

NO LOSS, BUT NO
GAIN... MARY ALBRIGHT.

MARY?

DICK!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
YOU'D BEEN COMING HERE?

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

BUT IT'S YOUR BUSINESS

TO STAND BY AND
WATCH ME SUFFER ALONE

WHILE YOU SECRETLY FIND HELP IN THE
PILLOWY BOSOM OF THIS SUPPORT GROUP!

LET'S HEAR FROM OUR
NEWEST FAT-LOSER.

HELLO. MY NAME IS
DICK, AND I'M A FAT-LOSER.

SIT DOWN!

NO. I HAVE A LOT TO SAY.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE
YOU ALL WITH WHY I'M HERE.

I WANT TO TELL YOU WHY
MARY ALBRIGHT IS HERE.

DICK!

YOU SEE, WE WERE LOVERS ONCE...

BUT THAT'S ALL OVER NOW.

AND SHE PRETENDS THAT
SHE'S OK WITH IT, BUT SHE'S NOT.

AND SO SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO
REPLACE ME WITH OTHER MEN...

MEN LIKE OSCAR MEYER...

BEN & JERRY...

AND THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY!

DICK, PLEASE.

AUGUST.

ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? WHAT?

HARRY SAW YOU
KISSING DARRIN LASKEY.

DARRIN LASKEY. HE'S
IN MY DRAMA CLASS.

WE WERE DOING A SCENE TOGETHER.

A SCENE?

OH. OH, MY GOD. I MUST
LOOK LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.

YOU WERE DOING A SCENE? WHAT
A FOOL I AM. THAT HARRY, HE'S...

HEY, AUGUST.

AND KEVIN DOUGLAS. YOU
MUST BE IN DRAMA CLASS, TOO.

SO YOU'RE QUITE A LITTLE
ACTRESS THERE, AUGUST.

SO YOU TWO ARE JUST
REHEARSING AWAY.

IT'S VERY CONVINCING.

I'D... I'D PAY TO SEE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

SO, NOW, TELL ME, KEVIN,
SO YOU'RE, UH... YOU'RE, UH...

YOU'RE... KISSING... YOUR
NEW GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE?

RIGHT.

AUGUST, HOW COULD
YOU DO THIS TO ME?

ME... DO THIS TO YOU? WHAT
KIND OF A BOYFRIEND ARE YOU?

YOU... YOU LUST AFTER
OUR MUSIC TEACHER.

YOU FLIRT WITH
THAT SLEAZY LORNA.

OK, BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS, THEY
BOTH TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF.

MARY.

DON'T TALK TO ME.

YOU LOST THE RIGHT TO EMBARRASS
ME IN PUBLIC WHEN WE STOPPED DATING.

I FORGIVE YOU, MARY.

YOU'RE FORGIVING ME?

FOR WHAT?

FOR HOW YOU DECEIVED ME...

HOW YOU LED ME TO BELIEVE YOU
WERE UNAFFECTED BY OUR BREAKUP,

WHEN IN FACT, YOU WERE A
HUNGRY, FRIGHTENED LITTLE BALLERINA

CAREENING OUT OF
CONTROL AT 80 MILES AN HOUR.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

MY EATING HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'D
LIKE ME TO THINK, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU THINK. YOU DO, TOO.

I DO NOT. DO, TOO.

DO NOT. TOO! NOT!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT

THAT YOU'VE BEEN EATING
BECAUSE YOU MISSED ME?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT

THAT YOU'VE BEEN EATING
BECAUSE YOU MISSED ME?!

BECAUSE I DON'T MISS YOU!

WELL, I DON'T MISS YOU, EITHER!

ARE YOU AS HUNGRY AS I AM?

MORE.

OH...

HELLO, SALLY.

HELLO, DON.

HOW ARE THINGS
GOING WITH... JEREMY?

JEREMY'S DEAD!

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

I'M SO SORRY.

OH!

MY PANTS FIT! I WON THE WAR!

THAT'S GREAT, DICK.

YOU LOST WEIGHT?

EVEN BETTER. I
BOUGHT BIGGER PANTS.

GOOD THINKING, TINY.

WHY ARE YOU EATING LIKE THAT?

I'M SORRY TO HEAR IT.

WELL, DICK, YOUR SALAD'S
READY. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

SALAD? LITTLE GUYS
NEVER KNEW WHAT HIT 'EM.

WHO WANTS SALAD? I
WANT SOME REAL FOOD!

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW INSENSITIVE

YOU AR... SHH! LISTEN!

MR. FROSTY SMOOTH!
MR. FROSTY SMOOTH!

HE'S RIGHT ON TIME!

3:46 ON THE DOT.

Harry: IT WAS THE
END OF A LONG DAY,

AND ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS SIT BACK, HAVE A DRINK,

AND THINK ABOUT LOVE'S FURY.

I KNEW THE DAME WAS TROUBLE
THE MINUTE SHE WALKED IN THE DOOR.

DID YOU DRINK ALL THE
MILK AGAIN, YOU IDIOT?!

GO BACK TO BED!

MY GUT TOLD ME THINGS WERE
ABOUT TO GO FROM BAD TO WORSE.

I HATE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT.