3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 4 - Dick-In-Law - full transcript
Mary hasn't told her parents Dick and she aren't a couple anymore when they go on a trip to her parents. They agree not to tell her parents the bad news. However, other bad news does come to the surface. Harry, Tommy and Sally in the meantime help Nina moving. Sally gets the idea to move in with Nina and orders Harry and Tommy to re-move Nina's belongings as well as move Sally's assets to Nina's apartment.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. UH-HUH.
R-REALLY? THIS WEEKEND?
WELL, I CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU.
YOU'RE MARY'S MOTHER.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
NO, NO. MARY DIDN'T
TELL ME A THING.
DIDN'T TELL WHO WHAT THING?
YEAH, I'VE NOTICED
THAT ABOUT HER, TOO.
IT'S OFF-PUTTING, ISN'T IT?
WHO'S THAT?
IT SOUNDS TERRIFIC, MARTHA.
MARTHA. MY MOTHER.
YEAH. OH, GOD, NO!
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT I WAS GONNA
MEET YOUR PARENTS THIS WEEKEND.
YOU'RE NOT!
WELL, THEY SAID THAT
YOU'D MADE THE PLANS.
A... A MONTH AGO, WHEN
WE WERE ENGAGED.
THAT WOULD BE 2 WEEKS
BEFORE YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.
OH, MARY, IT'LL BE FUN.
TELLING MY PARENTS
MY ENGAGEMENT IS OFF
IS NOT MY IDEA OF FUN.
WHAT, YOU HAVEN'T TOLD THEM YET?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
FOR YEARS THEY PREDICTED
I'D BECOME AN OLD SPINSTER
WHO SITS ALONE EVERY NIGHT
DRINKING WINE AND
TALKING TO HER CAT.
DOCTOR...
DR. ALBRIGHT, THEY WERE OUT
OF THAT ZINFANDEL YOU LIKE,
BUT I DID PICK UP YOUR DOG FOOD.
I HAVE ONE DOG!
MARY, PLEASE! I WON'T SAY A
WORD ABOUT OUR BREAKUP.
I CAN'T. I'M STILL IN DENIAL.
DO YOU THINK I WANT
TO SPEND MY WEEKEND
PRETENDING TO BE
ENGAGED TO A LUNATIC
RATHER THAN TELL MY
PARENTS THE TRUTH?
I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE MORNING.
WE'RE JUST PRETENDING!
IF YOU DARE TO TRY AND TOUCH ME,
I WILL CHOKE THE
LIFE OUT OF YOU.
WELL, WHAT IF I BUMP
INTO YOU ACCIDENTALLY?
FINE.
IN THE SHOWER?
BE IN YOUR DRIVEWAY
AT 8:00 TOMORROW.
TOMORROW? YOU CAN'T GO AWAY.
YOU PROMISED YOU'D HELP
ME MOVE OUT OF MY APARTMENT.
OH, I'M SO SORRY, NINA.
OH, THANKS A LOT.
NOW I SEE WHO'S
IMPORTANT AROUND HERE.
UH, YES, THAT WOULD BE ME.
OK. FINE. BUT THE NEXT TIME
YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE CHEESE
SLICES IN YOUR LUNCHABLES,
DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
TOMMY! HARRY! SALLY!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS JACKET?
MMM, IT'S A LITTLE TWEEDY. WHOA!
BUT YOU WIN ME OVER
WITH THE PATCHES.
OH.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION
WHEN I MEET MARY'S PARENTS.
MARY ALBRIGHT'S PARENTS?
Tommy: THEY'RE STILL ALIVE?
MY GOD, THEY MUST BE SO OLD.
PROBABLY HAD HER REALLY YOUNG.
NOW STOP IT! THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I HAVE TO WIN THEIR
LOVE AND RESPECT.
WHY? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
MARY'S LOVE AND RESPECT.
NOT AT THE MOMENT,
BUT I'M HOPING THAT IF I
WIN HER PARENTS OVER,
SHE'LL SEE ME IN A NEW LIGHT
AND FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN.
DICK, THAT'S GENIUS!
I DON'T KNOW.
I'D RATHER HAVE A RED-HOT
POKER STUCK IN MY EYE
THAN HANG OUT WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND'S MOM AND DAD.
HEY, WHAT IF HER PARENTS
HAVE A RED-HOT POKER
AND THEY SURPRISE YOU
BY STICKING IT IN YOUR EYE?
NO.
NO, I'M SURE THEY'RE
LOVELY PEOPLE.
AFTER ALL, THEY MIXED AND POURED
THE DNA COCKTAIL THAT IS...
MARY ALBRIGHT.
STILL, DICK, JUST TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD GO WITH YOU.
OH, NO, NO.
I'VE GOT A MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
CLEANING UP OUR
PARKS AND STREAMS?
NO. NINA'S MOVING,
AND I VOLUNTEERED
YOU TO HELP HER.
WHAT, YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO
LUG HEAVY BOXES ALL WEEKEND?
YES.
WELL, DO WE GET TO
GO THROUGH HER STUFF?
HOW COULD YOU NOT?
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DOES MARY LOOK MORE
LIKE ME OR GEORGE?
WELL, MARTHA, I DID NOTICE
THAT YOU AND MARY HAVE
THE SAME PATRICIAN NOSE.
WHOA.
I THINK SHE DOES FAVOR
MARTHA'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY
MORE THAN MINE.
BUT AT LEAST SHE GOT HER
FATHER'S GENEROUS BUTT.
MARY, THAT EYE SHADOW
MAKES YOU LOOK TIRED.
THANK YOU, MOTHER.
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
MARTHA, DARLING,
WHY DON'T YOU RUN AND GET
THE KIDS THOSE SANDWICHES?
WELL, YES, OF COURSE, GEORGE.
I'LL RUN AND GET THE
KIDS THOSE SANDWICHES.
I KEEP FORGETTING YOU
WERE PARALYZED IN THE WAR.
I REALLY SHOULD GO AND HELP HER.
I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO SLIP
AND FALL INTO A BOTTLE OF GIN.
THEY'RE VERY NICE.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THEY'RE SOUR, MISERABLE PEOPLE
WHO DON'T LIKE ANYBODY.
OH, I SHOULD HAVE
BROUGHT FLOWERS.
DO THEY LIKE FLOWERS?
I CAN GET FLOWERS.
STOP WORRYING.
THIS TIME TOMORROW
WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY HOME,
AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
I WOULDN'T BET ON IT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, DICK,
BUT WHEN I EAT HAM,
I GOTTA HAVE A BEER.
OH, AND WHEN I DRINK
BEER, I GOTTA HAVE HAM.
HAM AND BEER. THAT'S US, GEORGE.
AREN'T YOU DONE YET?
YEP, SNUG AS A BUG.
OK, I THINK I MISSED A SPOT.
GUYS, COULD YOU
PLEASE BE CAREFUL?
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
STARTING NOW.
NINA, THIS PLACE IS SO GREAT.
I MEAN, IT'S SO NICE AND CLEAN.
WELL, IT'S EASY TO KEEP THINGS
NEAT WHEN YOU LIVE ALONE.
THE SMELL, IT SMELLS LIKE...
LIKE A MALL OR...
OR THE BAKERY OR...
MY HOUSE SMELLS
LIKE FEET OR CHEESE OR
ROTTEN FOOD...
I... I GET IT. SALLY, I GET IT.
OH, MARTHA, THIS IS
THE MOST DELICIOUS,
EXQUISITELY FLAVORED,
PALATE-TEASING DISH I'VE EVER TASTED.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT AGAIN?
BUSY GAL'S LASAGNA.
I MUST GET THE RECIPE.
IT'S NOODLES WITH
KETCHUP ON 'EM.
GEORGE...
SHUT UP.
DON'T GIVE AWAY
HER RECIPES, GEORGE.
THANK YOU, DICK.
NOW, MARY, HOW ABOUT IT? MORE?
UH, NO, MOTHER, I HAVE ENOUGH.
SHE'S ON ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
CRAZY CRASH DIETS, RIGHT, DICK?
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
SHE LIKES YOUR LASAGNA
AS MUCH AS I DO, MARTHA.
YES, I DO,
AND I'M NOT ON A DIET.
I'M HAPPY THE WAY I AM.
WELL, THERE COMES A POINT
WHEN YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT
WHAT THE GOOD
LORD HAS GIVEN YOU.
LORD KNOWS I HAVE.
COME ON, DICK, LET'S
SWEETEN UP YOUR DRINK.
MMM. RIGHT. RIGHT.
GEORGE, I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
WELL, MARY...
YOUR DADDY AND I
ARE JUST TICKLED PINK
THAT DICK IS THE ONE.
THE ONE WHAT?
OH, MARY MARGARET,
YOU KNOW VERY WELL THE ONE WHAT.
MR. RIGHT.
THE MAN YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY.
OH. YEAH.
THAT'S THE PLAN.
I'M JUST ECSTATIC.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE
NOT A LITTLE MORE EXCITED.
OH, I AM, MOTHER.
SOMETIMES I GET SO GIDDY I
CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ONLY
SCREAM SO LONG BEFORE YOU BLACK OUT!
I'M NINA.
AND I'M SPECIAL
BECAUSE I'M MOVING.
I'M SALLY.
I THINK I AM SO GREAT.
OH, YOUR HAIR LOOKS REALLY
GOOD TODAY, GIRLFRIEND.
SHUT UP. NO, IT DOESN'T.
LET'S GO GET SOME MAGAZINES.
WELL... THAT'S ALL
THE UNDERWEAR.
LET'S GET IT DOWN TO THE TRUCK.
OK.
GOD, I'M GONNA MISS THIS PLACE.
YEAH. WHY ARE YOU MOVING,
BIG-ASS RATS?
NO. THEY RAISED THE RENT.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT'S SO BIG AND BRIGHT.
MY ROOM ONLY HAS ONE WINDOW,
AND IT LOOKS OUT ON
THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE,
AND SOMETIMES A
BROWN MIST FLOATS IN
AND MAKES MY HAIR ALL GREASY.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THAT, YOU
COULD'VE MOVED ON IN HERE WITH ME.
US?
ROOMMATES?
JUST YOU AND ME, NO GUYS?
YEAH. BUT IT'S TOO
LATE FOR THAT, I GUESS.
NO! NO, IT'S NOT.
FINALLY, THE LAST BOX.
MY BACK IS KILLING ME.
OH. Y-YOU GOTTA KEEP IT LOOSE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
YOU GO DOWN, GET ALL OF
NINA'S STUFF OFF THE TRUCK,
AND THEN YOU GO
BACK TO OUR PLACE,
GET MY STUFF, AND
BRING IT BACK HERE.
BOY. YOU REALLY
THINK IT'LL WORK?
WELL, I'M WILLING
TO GIVE IT A SHOT.
ACTUALLY, MY BACK FEELS FINE.
OH, GET MOVING! COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, DICK.
THIS IS ONE BAR I'LL
NEVER GET THROWN OUT OF.
OH, DICK, I'LL SHOW YOU
WHERE THE LINENS ARE
SO YOU CAN MAKE UP THE COUCH.
THE COUCH?
OH, NOW, PUNKIN,
IT'S PERFECTLY OK
WITH DADDY AND ME
IF YOU AND DICK
SHARE THE SAME ROOM.
NO! NO, I-IT'S NOT.
I KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE
IT MAKES YOU FEEL.
REALLY?
NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.
OH, BUT, MOM, I...
DON'T WORRY, PRINCESS.
NO, IT'S FINE WITH US.
ABOUT TIME THIS HOUSE
SAW SOME ACTION.
NO, DAD, REALLY, I... I...
SAY NO MORE, GEORGE!
IT'S SETTLED. MARY AND
I WILL SHARE A ROOM.
DONE DEAL.
NOW LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND SMOKE THESE THINGS.
I'VE GOT SOME FUNNY
STORIES ABOUT MARY.
OH HO HO HO HO HO!
ME, TOO.
OH, I CANNOT WAIT TO
MOVE OUT ON MY OWN.
IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU GUYS ARE
REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?
YEAH. ENOUGH SAID.
SALLY, WE'RE ALL
VERY HAPPY FOR YOU,
AND I KNOW THAT THERE ARE
GONNA BE SOME GOOD TIMES,
BUT THERE WILL ALSO BE
SOME LONELY ONES, AND SO...
I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY GNOME.
NO, HARRY, YOU SEE,
I'M MOVING TO GET
AWAY FROM YOUR CRAP.
OK! I GOT MY GNOME BACK.
YOU KNOW, DICK WOULD
NEVER GIVE YOU PERMISSION
TO DO THIS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHY I'M DOING
IT WHILE HE'S OUT OF TOWN.
WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE,
AT LEAST WE CAN TURN SALLY'S
ROOM INTO A STORAGE AREA.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T HAVE A ROOM.
OR MAYBE A COOL
LITTLE MUSIC ROOM
WITH SOME BLACK-LIGHT POSTERS.
HELLO. MAN WITHOUT
A BEDROOM HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE EVEN BETTER?
A SKEEBALL PARLOR.
SKEEBALL?
IN OUR HOME?
YES!
YEAH!
NOW HERE'S LITTLE MARY'S
SIXTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
OH, YOU GOT HER A PONY.
NO. THAT'S MARY.
HER UNCLE NEIL GOT HER
A BROWN LEDERHOSEN.
ALL THE WAY FROM MUNICH.
GERMANY.
OH, LITTLE MARY'S CRYING.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO
SHARE A SHEET CAKE
WITH THE OTHER KIDS.
OH, HERE'S THE BIG SPELLING BEE.
MARY'S WORD IS "BECAUSE."
WATCH HER SWEAT.
George: "B"
"E"
"C"
"A"
"W"!
AH! MAGPIE.
WHY'D YOU MISS
SUCH AN EASY WORD?
BECAUSE.
SHE CAN SAY IT. SHE
JUST CAN'T SPELL IT.
YOU'RE A HOOT AND A HALF, SON.
THANK YOU, DADDY.
DICK, CAN I SEE YOU
IN THE BEDROOM?
OH, COMING, MAGPIE.
OH, YEAH.
WONDERFUL. HE CALLED ME SON.
MY PLAN IS WORKING.
YOUR PLAN TO PISS ME OFF?
NO. MY PLAN TO WIN THEIR
HEARTS AND THEN YOURS.
OH, SO BY JOINING IN MY
PARENTS' PSYCHO MIND GAMES
AND MOCKING MY FAT CHILDHOOD,
YOU THOUGHT I'D LOVE YOU AGAIN?
PSYCHO MIND GAMES? I... WH...
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.
IN 1961, MY FATHER
HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A STEWARDESS.
WELL...
YOU MEAN A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
NO.
A STEWARDESS.
THAT DESPICABLE DOG!
MY MOTHER FOUND THEM TOGETHER,
AND SHE WAS SO WONDERFUL,
SHE DUMPED IT ALL ON ME.
ME, DICK,
A LITTLE GIRL.
OH, MARY, WHAT
AN AWFUL PICTURE...
A BITTER OLD DRUNK
DESCRIBING SOME TAWDRY AFFAIR
WHILE SPOON-FEEDING
YOU STRAINED BANANAS
AS YOU SIT IN YOUR
LITTLE HIGHCHAIR.
WELL, I WAS 9.
AND YOU WERE STILL EATING
BABY FOOD? MY POOR MARY.
OH, DICK, THE WHOLE...
THE WHOLE THING TORE ME APART.
I FELT IT WAS MY FAULT.
IT WAS THEIR FAULT, MARY!
I FELT SO ALONE.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE,
MARY, NOT ANYMORE!
AND TO THINK I HAD MY
HAND IN THAT MAN'S HUMIDOR!
OHH!
HARRY, YOU GOTTA
HELP ME WITH THIS ONE.
IT'S FULL OF BOOKS
AND ROCKS AND STUFF.
IT WEIGHS A TON.
STEP ASIDE, JUNIOR.
TIME TO CLEAN AND JERK.
1, 2, 3.
IT WAS EMPTY.
NO.
I'M THE STRONGEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.
THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN.
I KNOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO TONIGHT?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
UM, MAKE STIR-FRY
AND RENT A CHICK FLICK?
YEAH, LIKE FULL METAL JACKET.
OR BOYS ON THE SIDE.
RIGHT, RIGHT. BOYS ON THE SIDE.
OR FULL METAL JACKET!
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SECRET TO
A GREAT BLOODY MARY, DICK.
HORSERADISH.
IT'S NOT THE
HORSERADISH, GEORGIE.
IT'S THE VODKA.
YOU KNOW, GETTING THIS HOT TUB
WAS THE SMARTEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE.
OH, REALLY?
AND WHAT WOULD THE STUPIDEST,
MOST LOATHSOME,
AND HURTFUL THING BE?
NOT GETTING THE
FLOATING THERMOMETER.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING, DICK?
A DRINK? MAYBE SOME COFFEE?
TEA. OR MAYBE ME.
IS THAT WHAT THE LITTLE FLYING
STRUMPET SAID TO ENTICE YOU?
IS ONE SLEAZY PICKUP
LINE ALL IT TAKES
TO DESTROY A FAMILY?!
MARY!
FOR GOD'S SAKES.
YOU TOLD HIM?
I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
MARTHA.
YOU TOLD OUR DAUGHTER
ABOUT MY... MY... MY...
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOUR LITTLE FLING.
YOU-HOO-HOO BET I TOLD HER.
SO SHE COULD PLAY THE
MARTYR FOR 36 YEARS.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?
ALONE AND SCARED,
A SHEET CAKE HER ONLY SOLACE.
SHE DROVE ME TO IT, PRINCESS.
ALL RIGHT! MAYBE I DID.
BUT I WAS TOO FAT,
AND I HATED MY BODY,
AND THOSE DAMN DIET
PILLS MADE ME CRAZY.
YOU TOOK DIET PILLS?
OUR FAMILY DOCTOR
PRESCRIBED THEM.
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
IT WAS THE SIXTIES!
SHE WENT TO DR. POWELL
FOR MORE THAN JUST PILLS.
DR. POWELL?! HE
HAD HAIR IN HIS EARS.
SHE WENT TO DR. POWELL,
WHO WAS HER COUSIN.
HE WAS MY STEP-COUSIN!
HE WAS MY GOLF PARTNER!
HE WAS A MAN!
ENOUGH!
YOU TWO LIE TO EACH OTHER
AND CHEAT ON EACH OTHER
AND I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE MISERABLE.
WHY THE HELL DID THE
TWO OF YOU STAY MARRIED?
TO TRY TO GIVE YOU A HAPPY HOME.
OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT THE TWO OF YOU!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
UM, SALLY, I KNOW
YOU JUST GOT HERE,
BUT YOU LEFT YOUR SOCKS...
SHH. HONEY...
IT'S SHARK WEEK.
DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP
YOU MOVE THAT FUTON
INTO YOUR ROOM?
MY ROOM?
YEAH. THE ROOM DOWN THE HALL.
OH, NO. I LIKE THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM.
YEAH, AND I'M GONNA LIVE IN IT.
YOU GOT TO PICK YOUR
ROOM, I GET TO PICK MINE.
NO WAY.
LOOK, I DIDN'T COMPLAIN
WHEN YOU FINISHED MY MILK.
YOUR MILK? YOU JUST
WROTE "SALLY" ON MY MILK.
SO THAT'S HOW
IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?
WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE
BEING HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,
I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU
LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN.
THAT'S THE WAY WOMEN USE IT.
YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S THE WAY WOMEN USE IT.
LOOK, YOU KNOW,
BEING YOUR ROOMMATE
IS NOT AS MUCH
FUN AS IT USED TO BE.
YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE
AN HOUR AND A HALF.
YEAH, AND IT'S AN HOUR
AND A HALF TOO LONG.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.
THE LAST BOX OF SHOES.
WELL... LOAD IT UP, BOYS,
'CAUSE I'M MOVIN' OUT!
NO.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
SALLY, FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE...
DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
OK.
YOU KNOW...
THIS WEEKEND
HAS BEEN MORE CATHARTIC FOR ME
THAN THE ENTIRE
TIME I SPENT IN REHAB.
REHAB?
1982.
I KNOW.
I SAID I WAS VISITING
YOUR AUNT DEE DEE.
OK, MARY, EVERYTHING'S PACKED.
CHOP-CHOP, GOTTA GO.
DICK...
I THINK WE SHOULD STAY.
WHAT?
MY PARENTS AND I
HAVE BEEN TALKING
SINCE THE LITTLE
BLOW-UP IN THE HOT TUB,
AND I THINK WE'VE
MADE SOME PROGRESS.
PROGRESS? ARE THEY
GETTING A DIVORCE?
DIVORCE?
THEY'VE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 46 YEARS.
YES, BUT 46 HORRIBLE YEARS.
I'M SURE THEY'VE HAD
THEIR UPS AND DOWNS,
BUT IT'S ONLY MADE THEM
STRONGER. THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS.
OH, MY GOD, THEY'VE
BRAINWASHED YOU.
NOW YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
DICK, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR BRINGING EVERYTHING
OUT IN THE OPEN.
I FEEL LIKE A TREMENDOUS WEIGHT'S
BEEN LIFTED FROM THIS FAMILY.
I WANT TO TELL YOU
TWO SOMETHING.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE
EXHILARATING THAN HONESTY.
OH!
OH! SO HONESTY'S
YOUR GAME, IS IT?
YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU HONESTY.
YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE
MARY MARGARET RAGAMUFFIN
MAGPIE HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!
SHE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO COME HERE
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT...
OUR ENGAGEMENT IS
OFF! WE'RE THROUGH!
BUT THAT'S OK, BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT TO MARRY HER ANYWAY.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY
ANYONE... NOT AFTER MEETING YOU.
IF THIS MARRIAGE WAS A
HORSE, YOU'D SHOOT IT!
DICK, WE FORGIVE YOU.
FORGIVE ME?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COCOA?
I DON'T WANT ANY COCOA.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
I JUST WANT TO CLIMB
INTO A SPACESHIP
AND FLY TO A FAR-OFF GALAXY,
MILLIONS OF LIGHT-YEARS AWAY
FROM THIS TWISTED AND SADISTIC
HUMAN FREAK SHOW!
HE'S THE ONE. HE'S THE ONE.
SO HOW DID THE MOVE GO?
WELL, THE FIRST ONE
WENT PRETTY SMOOTH,
BUT THE SECOND ONE WAS A BITCH.
WE HAD A GOOD RHYTHM
GOING FOR THE THIRD MOVE,
BUT THE FOURTH AND FIFTH
MOVES WERE JUST HELL.
WUSSIES.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DODGED A BULLET TODAY, DICK.
TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO MOVING IN WITH NINA.
HAH. SHE'S NOT NEARLY
SOPHISTICATED ENOUGH FOR ME.
I DODGED A BULLET, TOO.
I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS A
BEAUTIFUL UNION OF TWO SOULS.
IT TURNS OUT IT'S A HOT,
BUBBLING CHLORINATED SEA OF LIES,
BETRAYALS, AND ADDICTIONS,
AND I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.
WELL, I'LL GO. THAT
SOUNDS RELAXING.
NO. FROM NOW ON, WE'RE
FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY-FREE.
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,
PEOPLE WILL REFER TO ME
AS A LIFELONG BACHELOR.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA START
WEARING PASTEL CARDIGANS
AND OPEN UP AN
ANTIQUE STORE, ARE YOU?
WHATEVER GETS ME THE LADIES.
YEAH, DICK, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
GEORGE, THERE'S
SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
I'M LISTENING.
YOU'RE NOT MARY'S FATHER.
I'VE SUSPECTED THAT
FOR A LONG TIME, MARTHA.
DOES SHE KNOW?
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
OF COURSE NOT.
GOOD.
NEXT TIME THEY VISIT.
YEAH. UH-HUH.
R-REALLY? THIS WEEKEND?
WELL, I CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU.
YOU'RE MARY'S MOTHER.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
NO, NO. MARY DIDN'T
TELL ME A THING.
DIDN'T TELL WHO WHAT THING?
YEAH, I'VE NOTICED
THAT ABOUT HER, TOO.
IT'S OFF-PUTTING, ISN'T IT?
WHO'S THAT?
IT SOUNDS TERRIFIC, MARTHA.
MARTHA. MY MOTHER.
YEAH. OH, GOD, NO!
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT I WAS GONNA
MEET YOUR PARENTS THIS WEEKEND.
YOU'RE NOT!
WELL, THEY SAID THAT
YOU'D MADE THE PLANS.
A... A MONTH AGO, WHEN
WE WERE ENGAGED.
THAT WOULD BE 2 WEEKS
BEFORE YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.
OH, MARY, IT'LL BE FUN.
TELLING MY PARENTS
MY ENGAGEMENT IS OFF
IS NOT MY IDEA OF FUN.
WHAT, YOU HAVEN'T TOLD THEM YET?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
FOR YEARS THEY PREDICTED
I'D BECOME AN OLD SPINSTER
WHO SITS ALONE EVERY NIGHT
DRINKING WINE AND
TALKING TO HER CAT.
DOCTOR...
DR. ALBRIGHT, THEY WERE OUT
OF THAT ZINFANDEL YOU LIKE,
BUT I DID PICK UP YOUR DOG FOOD.
I HAVE ONE DOG!
MARY, PLEASE! I WON'T SAY A
WORD ABOUT OUR BREAKUP.
I CAN'T. I'M STILL IN DENIAL.
DO YOU THINK I WANT
TO SPEND MY WEEKEND
PRETENDING TO BE
ENGAGED TO A LUNATIC
RATHER THAN TELL MY
PARENTS THE TRUTH?
I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE MORNING.
WE'RE JUST PRETENDING!
IF YOU DARE TO TRY AND TOUCH ME,
I WILL CHOKE THE
LIFE OUT OF YOU.
WELL, WHAT IF I BUMP
INTO YOU ACCIDENTALLY?
FINE.
IN THE SHOWER?
BE IN YOUR DRIVEWAY
AT 8:00 TOMORROW.
TOMORROW? YOU CAN'T GO AWAY.
YOU PROMISED YOU'D HELP
ME MOVE OUT OF MY APARTMENT.
OH, I'M SO SORRY, NINA.
OH, THANKS A LOT.
NOW I SEE WHO'S
IMPORTANT AROUND HERE.
UH, YES, THAT WOULD BE ME.
OK. FINE. BUT THE NEXT TIME
YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE CHEESE
SLICES IN YOUR LUNCHABLES,
DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
TOMMY! HARRY! SALLY!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THIS JACKET?
MMM, IT'S A LITTLE TWEEDY. WHOA!
BUT YOU WIN ME OVER
WITH THE PATCHES.
OH.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION
WHEN I MEET MARY'S PARENTS.
MARY ALBRIGHT'S PARENTS?
Tommy: THEY'RE STILL ALIVE?
MY GOD, THEY MUST BE SO OLD.
PROBABLY HAD HER REALLY YOUNG.
NOW STOP IT! THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I HAVE TO WIN THEIR
LOVE AND RESPECT.
WHY? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
MARY'S LOVE AND RESPECT.
NOT AT THE MOMENT,
BUT I'M HOPING THAT IF I
WIN HER PARENTS OVER,
SHE'LL SEE ME IN A NEW LIGHT
AND FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN.
DICK, THAT'S GENIUS!
I DON'T KNOW.
I'D RATHER HAVE A RED-HOT
POKER STUCK IN MY EYE
THAN HANG OUT WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND'S MOM AND DAD.
HEY, WHAT IF HER PARENTS
HAVE A RED-HOT POKER
AND THEY SURPRISE YOU
BY STICKING IT IN YOUR EYE?
NO.
NO, I'M SURE THEY'RE
LOVELY PEOPLE.
AFTER ALL, THEY MIXED AND POURED
THE DNA COCKTAIL THAT IS...
MARY ALBRIGHT.
STILL, DICK, JUST TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD GO WITH YOU.
OH, NO, NO.
I'VE GOT A MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
CLEANING UP OUR
PARKS AND STREAMS?
NO. NINA'S MOVING,
AND I VOLUNTEERED
YOU TO HELP HER.
WHAT, YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO
LUG HEAVY BOXES ALL WEEKEND?
YES.
WELL, DO WE GET TO
GO THROUGH HER STUFF?
HOW COULD YOU NOT?
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DOES MARY LOOK MORE
LIKE ME OR GEORGE?
WELL, MARTHA, I DID NOTICE
THAT YOU AND MARY HAVE
THE SAME PATRICIAN NOSE.
WHOA.
I THINK SHE DOES FAVOR
MARTHA'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY
MORE THAN MINE.
BUT AT LEAST SHE GOT HER
FATHER'S GENEROUS BUTT.
MARY, THAT EYE SHADOW
MAKES YOU LOOK TIRED.
THANK YOU, MOTHER.
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
MARTHA, DARLING,
WHY DON'T YOU RUN AND GET
THE KIDS THOSE SANDWICHES?
WELL, YES, OF COURSE, GEORGE.
I'LL RUN AND GET THE
KIDS THOSE SANDWICHES.
I KEEP FORGETTING YOU
WERE PARALYZED IN THE WAR.
I REALLY SHOULD GO AND HELP HER.
I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO SLIP
AND FALL INTO A BOTTLE OF GIN.
THEY'RE VERY NICE.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THEY'RE SOUR, MISERABLE PEOPLE
WHO DON'T LIKE ANYBODY.
OH, I SHOULD HAVE
BROUGHT FLOWERS.
DO THEY LIKE FLOWERS?
I CAN GET FLOWERS.
STOP WORRYING.
THIS TIME TOMORROW
WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY HOME,
AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
I WOULDN'T BET ON IT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, DICK,
BUT WHEN I EAT HAM,
I GOTTA HAVE A BEER.
OH, AND WHEN I DRINK
BEER, I GOTTA HAVE HAM.
HAM AND BEER. THAT'S US, GEORGE.
AREN'T YOU DONE YET?
YEP, SNUG AS A BUG.
OK, I THINK I MISSED A SPOT.
GUYS, COULD YOU
PLEASE BE CAREFUL?
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
STARTING NOW.
NINA, THIS PLACE IS SO GREAT.
I MEAN, IT'S SO NICE AND CLEAN.
WELL, IT'S EASY TO KEEP THINGS
NEAT WHEN YOU LIVE ALONE.
THE SMELL, IT SMELLS LIKE...
LIKE A MALL OR...
OR THE BAKERY OR...
MY HOUSE SMELLS
LIKE FEET OR CHEESE OR
ROTTEN FOOD...
I... I GET IT. SALLY, I GET IT.
OH, MARTHA, THIS IS
THE MOST DELICIOUS,
EXQUISITELY FLAVORED,
PALATE-TEASING DISH I'VE EVER TASTED.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT AGAIN?
BUSY GAL'S LASAGNA.
I MUST GET THE RECIPE.
IT'S NOODLES WITH
KETCHUP ON 'EM.
GEORGE...
SHUT UP.
DON'T GIVE AWAY
HER RECIPES, GEORGE.
THANK YOU, DICK.
NOW, MARY, HOW ABOUT IT? MORE?
UH, NO, MOTHER, I HAVE ENOUGH.
SHE'S ON ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
CRAZY CRASH DIETS, RIGHT, DICK?
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
SHE LIKES YOUR LASAGNA
AS MUCH AS I DO, MARTHA.
YES, I DO,
AND I'M NOT ON A DIET.
I'M HAPPY THE WAY I AM.
WELL, THERE COMES A POINT
WHEN YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT
WHAT THE GOOD
LORD HAS GIVEN YOU.
LORD KNOWS I HAVE.
COME ON, DICK, LET'S
SWEETEN UP YOUR DRINK.
MMM. RIGHT. RIGHT.
GEORGE, I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
WELL, MARY...
YOUR DADDY AND I
ARE JUST TICKLED PINK
THAT DICK IS THE ONE.
THE ONE WHAT?
OH, MARY MARGARET,
YOU KNOW VERY WELL THE ONE WHAT.
MR. RIGHT.
THE MAN YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY.
OH. YEAH.
THAT'S THE PLAN.
I'M JUST ECSTATIC.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE
NOT A LITTLE MORE EXCITED.
OH, I AM, MOTHER.
SOMETIMES I GET SO GIDDY I
CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ONLY
SCREAM SO LONG BEFORE YOU BLACK OUT!
I'M NINA.
AND I'M SPECIAL
BECAUSE I'M MOVING.
I'M SALLY.
I THINK I AM SO GREAT.
OH, YOUR HAIR LOOKS REALLY
GOOD TODAY, GIRLFRIEND.
SHUT UP. NO, IT DOESN'T.
LET'S GO GET SOME MAGAZINES.
WELL... THAT'S ALL
THE UNDERWEAR.
LET'S GET IT DOWN TO THE TRUCK.
OK.
GOD, I'M GONNA MISS THIS PLACE.
YEAH. WHY ARE YOU MOVING,
BIG-ASS RATS?
NO. THEY RAISED THE RENT.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT'S SO BIG AND BRIGHT.
MY ROOM ONLY HAS ONE WINDOW,
AND IT LOOKS OUT ON
THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE,
AND SOMETIMES A
BROWN MIST FLOATS IN
AND MAKES MY HAIR ALL GREASY.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THAT, YOU
COULD'VE MOVED ON IN HERE WITH ME.
US?
ROOMMATES?
JUST YOU AND ME, NO GUYS?
YEAH. BUT IT'S TOO
LATE FOR THAT, I GUESS.
NO! NO, IT'S NOT.
FINALLY, THE LAST BOX.
MY BACK IS KILLING ME.
OH. Y-YOU GOTTA KEEP IT LOOSE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
YOU GO DOWN, GET ALL OF
NINA'S STUFF OFF THE TRUCK,
AND THEN YOU GO
BACK TO OUR PLACE,
GET MY STUFF, AND
BRING IT BACK HERE.
BOY. YOU REALLY
THINK IT'LL WORK?
WELL, I'M WILLING
TO GIVE IT A SHOT.
ACTUALLY, MY BACK FEELS FINE.
OH, GET MOVING! COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, DICK.
THIS IS ONE BAR I'LL
NEVER GET THROWN OUT OF.
OH, DICK, I'LL SHOW YOU
WHERE THE LINENS ARE
SO YOU CAN MAKE UP THE COUCH.
THE COUCH?
OH, NOW, PUNKIN,
IT'S PERFECTLY OK
WITH DADDY AND ME
IF YOU AND DICK
SHARE THE SAME ROOM.
NO! NO, I-IT'S NOT.
I KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE
IT MAKES YOU FEEL.
REALLY?
NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.
OH, BUT, MOM, I...
DON'T WORRY, PRINCESS.
NO, IT'S FINE WITH US.
ABOUT TIME THIS HOUSE
SAW SOME ACTION.
NO, DAD, REALLY, I... I...
SAY NO MORE, GEORGE!
IT'S SETTLED. MARY AND
I WILL SHARE A ROOM.
DONE DEAL.
NOW LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND SMOKE THESE THINGS.
I'VE GOT SOME FUNNY
STORIES ABOUT MARY.
OH HO HO HO HO HO!
ME, TOO.
OH, I CANNOT WAIT TO
MOVE OUT ON MY OWN.
IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU GUYS ARE
REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?
YEAH. ENOUGH SAID.
SALLY, WE'RE ALL
VERY HAPPY FOR YOU,
AND I KNOW THAT THERE ARE
GONNA BE SOME GOOD TIMES,
BUT THERE WILL ALSO BE
SOME LONELY ONES, AND SO...
I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY GNOME.
NO, HARRY, YOU SEE,
I'M MOVING TO GET
AWAY FROM YOUR CRAP.
OK! I GOT MY GNOME BACK.
YOU KNOW, DICK WOULD
NEVER GIVE YOU PERMISSION
TO DO THIS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHY I'M DOING
IT WHILE HE'S OUT OF TOWN.
WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE,
AT LEAST WE CAN TURN SALLY'S
ROOM INTO A STORAGE AREA.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T HAVE A ROOM.
OR MAYBE A COOL
LITTLE MUSIC ROOM
WITH SOME BLACK-LIGHT POSTERS.
HELLO. MAN WITHOUT
A BEDROOM HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE EVEN BETTER?
A SKEEBALL PARLOR.
SKEEBALL?
IN OUR HOME?
YES!
YEAH!
NOW HERE'S LITTLE MARY'S
SIXTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
OH, YOU GOT HER A PONY.
NO. THAT'S MARY.
HER UNCLE NEIL GOT HER
A BROWN LEDERHOSEN.
ALL THE WAY FROM MUNICH.
GERMANY.
OH, LITTLE MARY'S CRYING.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO
SHARE A SHEET CAKE
WITH THE OTHER KIDS.
OH, HERE'S THE BIG SPELLING BEE.
MARY'S WORD IS "BECAUSE."
WATCH HER SWEAT.
George: "B"
"E"
"C"
"A"
"W"!
AH! MAGPIE.
WHY'D YOU MISS
SUCH AN EASY WORD?
BECAUSE.
SHE CAN SAY IT. SHE
JUST CAN'T SPELL IT.
YOU'RE A HOOT AND A HALF, SON.
THANK YOU, DADDY.
DICK, CAN I SEE YOU
IN THE BEDROOM?
OH, COMING, MAGPIE.
OH, YEAH.
WONDERFUL. HE CALLED ME SON.
MY PLAN IS WORKING.
YOUR PLAN TO PISS ME OFF?
NO. MY PLAN TO WIN THEIR
HEARTS AND THEN YOURS.
OH, SO BY JOINING IN MY
PARENTS' PSYCHO MIND GAMES
AND MOCKING MY FAT CHILDHOOD,
YOU THOUGHT I'D LOVE YOU AGAIN?
PSYCHO MIND GAMES? I... WH...
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.
IN 1961, MY FATHER
HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A STEWARDESS.
WELL...
YOU MEAN A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
NO.
A STEWARDESS.
THAT DESPICABLE DOG!
MY MOTHER FOUND THEM TOGETHER,
AND SHE WAS SO WONDERFUL,
SHE DUMPED IT ALL ON ME.
ME, DICK,
A LITTLE GIRL.
OH, MARY, WHAT
AN AWFUL PICTURE...
A BITTER OLD DRUNK
DESCRIBING SOME TAWDRY AFFAIR
WHILE SPOON-FEEDING
YOU STRAINED BANANAS
AS YOU SIT IN YOUR
LITTLE HIGHCHAIR.
WELL, I WAS 9.
AND YOU WERE STILL EATING
BABY FOOD? MY POOR MARY.
OH, DICK, THE WHOLE...
THE WHOLE THING TORE ME APART.
I FELT IT WAS MY FAULT.
IT WAS THEIR FAULT, MARY!
I FELT SO ALONE.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE,
MARY, NOT ANYMORE!
AND TO THINK I HAD MY
HAND IN THAT MAN'S HUMIDOR!
OHH!
HARRY, YOU GOTTA
HELP ME WITH THIS ONE.
IT'S FULL OF BOOKS
AND ROCKS AND STUFF.
IT WEIGHS A TON.
STEP ASIDE, JUNIOR.
TIME TO CLEAN AND JERK.
1, 2, 3.
IT WAS EMPTY.
NO.
I'M THE STRONGEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.
THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN.
I KNOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO TONIGHT?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
UM, MAKE STIR-FRY
AND RENT A CHICK FLICK?
YEAH, LIKE FULL METAL JACKET.
OR BOYS ON THE SIDE.
RIGHT, RIGHT. BOYS ON THE SIDE.
OR FULL METAL JACKET!
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SECRET TO
A GREAT BLOODY MARY, DICK.
HORSERADISH.
IT'S NOT THE
HORSERADISH, GEORGIE.
IT'S THE VODKA.
YOU KNOW, GETTING THIS HOT TUB
WAS THE SMARTEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE.
OH, REALLY?
AND WHAT WOULD THE STUPIDEST,
MOST LOATHSOME,
AND HURTFUL THING BE?
NOT GETTING THE
FLOATING THERMOMETER.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING, DICK?
A DRINK? MAYBE SOME COFFEE?
TEA. OR MAYBE ME.
IS THAT WHAT THE LITTLE FLYING
STRUMPET SAID TO ENTICE YOU?
IS ONE SLEAZY PICKUP
LINE ALL IT TAKES
TO DESTROY A FAMILY?!
MARY!
FOR GOD'S SAKES.
YOU TOLD HIM?
I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
MARTHA.
YOU TOLD OUR DAUGHTER
ABOUT MY... MY... MY...
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOUR LITTLE FLING.
YOU-HOO-HOO BET I TOLD HER.
SO SHE COULD PLAY THE
MARTYR FOR 36 YEARS.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?
ALONE AND SCARED,
A SHEET CAKE HER ONLY SOLACE.
SHE DROVE ME TO IT, PRINCESS.
ALL RIGHT! MAYBE I DID.
BUT I WAS TOO FAT,
AND I HATED MY BODY,
AND THOSE DAMN DIET
PILLS MADE ME CRAZY.
YOU TOOK DIET PILLS?
OUR FAMILY DOCTOR
PRESCRIBED THEM.
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
IT WAS THE SIXTIES!
SHE WENT TO DR. POWELL
FOR MORE THAN JUST PILLS.
DR. POWELL?! HE
HAD HAIR IN HIS EARS.
SHE WENT TO DR. POWELL,
WHO WAS HER COUSIN.
HE WAS MY STEP-COUSIN!
HE WAS MY GOLF PARTNER!
HE WAS A MAN!
ENOUGH!
YOU TWO LIE TO EACH OTHER
AND CHEAT ON EACH OTHER
AND I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE MISERABLE.
WHY THE HELL DID THE
TWO OF YOU STAY MARRIED?
TO TRY TO GIVE YOU A HAPPY HOME.
OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT THE TWO OF YOU!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
UM, SALLY, I KNOW
YOU JUST GOT HERE,
BUT YOU LEFT YOUR SOCKS...
SHH. HONEY...
IT'S SHARK WEEK.
DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP
YOU MOVE THAT FUTON
INTO YOUR ROOM?
MY ROOM?
YEAH. THE ROOM DOWN THE HALL.
OH, NO. I LIKE THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM.
YEAH, AND I'M GONNA LIVE IN IT.
YOU GOT TO PICK YOUR
ROOM, I GET TO PICK MINE.
NO WAY.
LOOK, I DIDN'T COMPLAIN
WHEN YOU FINISHED MY MILK.
YOUR MILK? YOU JUST
WROTE "SALLY" ON MY MILK.
SO THAT'S HOW
IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?
WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE
BEING HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,
I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU
LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN.
THAT'S THE WAY WOMEN USE IT.
YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S THE WAY WOMEN USE IT.
LOOK, YOU KNOW,
BEING YOUR ROOMMATE
IS NOT AS MUCH
FUN AS IT USED TO BE.
YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE
AN HOUR AND A HALF.
YEAH, AND IT'S AN HOUR
AND A HALF TOO LONG.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.
THE LAST BOX OF SHOES.
WELL... LOAD IT UP, BOYS,
'CAUSE I'M MOVIN' OUT!
NO.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
SALLY, FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE...
DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
OK.
YOU KNOW...
THIS WEEKEND
HAS BEEN MORE CATHARTIC FOR ME
THAN THE ENTIRE
TIME I SPENT IN REHAB.
REHAB?
1982.
I KNOW.
I SAID I WAS VISITING
YOUR AUNT DEE DEE.
OK, MARY, EVERYTHING'S PACKED.
CHOP-CHOP, GOTTA GO.
DICK...
I THINK WE SHOULD STAY.
WHAT?
MY PARENTS AND I
HAVE BEEN TALKING
SINCE THE LITTLE
BLOW-UP IN THE HOT TUB,
AND I THINK WE'VE
MADE SOME PROGRESS.
PROGRESS? ARE THEY
GETTING A DIVORCE?
DIVORCE?
THEY'VE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 46 YEARS.
YES, BUT 46 HORRIBLE YEARS.
I'M SURE THEY'VE HAD
THEIR UPS AND DOWNS,
BUT IT'S ONLY MADE THEM
STRONGER. THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS.
OH, MY GOD, THEY'VE
BRAINWASHED YOU.
NOW YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
DICK, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR BRINGING EVERYTHING
OUT IN THE OPEN.
I FEEL LIKE A TREMENDOUS WEIGHT'S
BEEN LIFTED FROM THIS FAMILY.
I WANT TO TELL YOU
TWO SOMETHING.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE
EXHILARATING THAN HONESTY.
OH!
OH! SO HONESTY'S
YOUR GAME, IS IT?
YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU HONESTY.
YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE
MARY MARGARET RAGAMUFFIN
MAGPIE HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!
SHE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO COME HERE
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT...
OUR ENGAGEMENT IS
OFF! WE'RE THROUGH!
BUT THAT'S OK, BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT TO MARRY HER ANYWAY.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY
ANYONE... NOT AFTER MEETING YOU.
IF THIS MARRIAGE WAS A
HORSE, YOU'D SHOOT IT!
DICK, WE FORGIVE YOU.
FORGIVE ME?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COCOA?
I DON'T WANT ANY COCOA.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
I JUST WANT TO CLIMB
INTO A SPACESHIP
AND FLY TO A FAR-OFF GALAXY,
MILLIONS OF LIGHT-YEARS AWAY
FROM THIS TWISTED AND SADISTIC
HUMAN FREAK SHOW!
HE'S THE ONE. HE'S THE ONE.
SO HOW DID THE MOVE GO?
WELL, THE FIRST ONE
WENT PRETTY SMOOTH,
BUT THE SECOND ONE WAS A BITCH.
WE HAD A GOOD RHYTHM
GOING FOR THE THIRD MOVE,
BUT THE FOURTH AND FIFTH
MOVES WERE JUST HELL.
WUSSIES.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DODGED A BULLET TODAY, DICK.
TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO MOVING IN WITH NINA.
HAH. SHE'S NOT NEARLY
SOPHISTICATED ENOUGH FOR ME.
I DODGED A BULLET, TOO.
I THOUGHT MARRIAGE WAS A
BEAUTIFUL UNION OF TWO SOULS.
IT TURNS OUT IT'S A HOT,
BUBBLING CHLORINATED SEA OF LIES,
BETRAYALS, AND ADDICTIONS,
AND I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.
WELL, I'LL GO. THAT
SOUNDS RELAXING.
NO. FROM NOW ON, WE'RE
FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY-FREE.
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,
PEOPLE WILL REFER TO ME
AS A LIFELONG BACHELOR.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA START
WEARING PASTEL CARDIGANS
AND OPEN UP AN
ANTIQUE STORE, ARE YOU?
WHATEVER GETS ME THE LADIES.
YEAH, DICK, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
GEORGE, THERE'S
SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
I'M LISTENING.
YOU'RE NOT MARY'S FATHER.
I'VE SUSPECTED THAT
FOR A LONG TIME, MARTHA.
DOES SHE KNOW?
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
OF COURSE NOT.
GOOD.
NEXT TIME THEY VISIT.