3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 3 - Tricky Dick - full transcript

Out of frustration over their break-up, Dick and Mary start a series of very childish practical jokes.

DICK, I AM TELLING
YOU, YOU NEED A VEST!

I'M WEARING A VEST.

YEAH, BUT IT'S WOOL.
YOU NEED KEVLAR.

I'M JUST GOING TO THE OFFICE.

YEAH. THE OFFICE WHERE YOU
WORK WITH YOUR EX-FIANCEE.

YOU REMEMBER HER... THE BITTER
WOMAN WHO WANTS YOU DEAD.

OH, THAT. OH, LOOK, MARY'S HAD
AN ENTIRE NIGHT TO SLEEP ON IT.

BESIDES, DEEP DOWN SHE LOVES ME.

AND I SAID I WAS SORRY. WHAT
MORE COULD SHE ASK FOR?

OK. DICK, I AM
PRACTICALLY A WOMAN, OK?

I BASICALLY KNOW HOW WOMEN FEEL,



AND SHE'S GONNA WANT A
WHOLE LOT MORE THAN "I'M SORRY."

SO YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

THE VEST OR ME.

OH, FINE. YOU CARRY MY LUNCHBOX.

DON'T BRUISE MY BANANA.

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CLEAR!

YOU SEE, SALLY, THERE'S
NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET...

OH, MY GOD!

MR. POTATO MAN!

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

HELLO, DICK. OH, SALLY.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?



I WAS MAD AT YOU,

AND I GUESS I TOOK IT OUT
ON A PERFECTLY INNOCENT...

PLASTIC POTATO.

BE GLAD IT WASN'T YOUR BUTT.

LOOK, WHY CAN'T
YOU JUST DROP THIS?

FINE. I GOT ENGAGED TO YOU
AND DIDN'T TELL YOU I HAD A WIFE.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

IT MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE,

BUT I'VE STOPPED BEATING
MYSELF UP ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT MAKES ONE OF YOU.

IT'S OK, NINA. NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

I'M OVER IT. I'M AN ADULT.

I'M MOVING ON.

IN FACT, SALLY, I'M
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I HAVE MY YOGA CLASS TONIGHT
AND JUDITH CAN'T MAKE IT.

I HAVE A GROIN PULL.

I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO JOIN ME.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT,

AND WHAT DICK DID DOES
NOT AFFECT OUR FRIENDSHIP.

DON AND I ARE GOING TO THE
RUTHERFORD RENAISSANCE FAIR TONIGHT.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE CANCELING YOUR
PLANS AND GOING WITH MARY.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA DO...

FINE!

THANK YOU.

THERE, YOU SEE? I
CAN BE AN ADULT, TOO.

I'M SURE YOU CAN.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO CONTINUE
TO ALLOW YOU TO USE MY OFFICE.

YOUR OFFICE? IT'S OUR OFFICE.

CHECK THE DOOR, DICK!

IT'S MY OFFICE!

ALWAYS WAS, ALWAYS WILL BE!

BUT I SAY THAT JUST
TO LET YOU KNOW.

I DON'T STRESS IT. I
JUST GLOSS OVER IT.

SEE? ADULT.

NINA, I WANT MY NAME
PAINTED ON THIS DOOR,

AND I WANT IT TWICE THE SIZE
OF HERS... 3 TIMES THE SIZE!

I'M GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST
ADULT IN THIS WHOLE STUPID OFFICE!

SOLOMON!

YOU GOT A GUITAR, RIGHT?

NO.

YES, YOU DO.

Tommy: NO, NOT
REALLY. YOU ANY GOOD?

YES, YOU ARE.

WE'RE FORMING A NEW BAND.

A NEW BAND?

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED
TO STATE OF CONTUSION?

CREATIVE DIFFERENCES.

NOW WE'RE WHISKEY KITTEN.

AND YOU'RE OUR LEAD GUITARIST.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO DATE A GUY IN A BAND.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHY I'M JOINING THIS BAND.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT, SOLOMON.

REHEARSAL TONIGHT. YOUR PLACE.

CAN I BE YOUR ROADIE?

CAN I?

SO YOU WANT TO LUG AROUND
HEAVY EQUIPMENT FOR US

WHILE WE TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT?

YEAH.

PLUS I GET MY PICK OF THE
LESS ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

SALLY!

SHALL WE GO, MILADY?

I'M SORRY, DON, I'M RUNNING
LATE FOR SOMETHING!

I'LL CALL YOU LATER. BYE-BYE!

DON'T FORGET TO TELL MARY

THAT I'M ROLLER-SKATING
WITH SUPERMODELS!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

SHE JUST MADE ME LOOK
LIKE A COMPLETE JACKASS.

AH...

WOMEN.

I HEAR YOU, MY FRIEND.

A WOMAN MAY SAY

THAT SHE WANTS A MAN
TO BE OBEDIENT AND NICE,

BUT DOES SHE REALLY WANT THAT?

YES, SHE DOES.

NO, SHE DOESN'T,

BECAUSE THEN SHE'LL
JUST WALK ALL OVER YOU.

AMEN TO THAT, MY FRIEND.

WOMEN ARE MADDENING.

THEY PRETEND TO BE SO ADULT,

BUT JUST LIKE THAT,

THEY'LL SINK ALL THE
WAY DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL.

TELL ME, MY FRIEND,

IS THAT FAIR?

YES, IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING, MY FRIEND.

DO YOU WANT SALLY TO
WANT YOU MORE THAN EVER?

NO, HE DOESN'T.

YES, I DO.

THIS JUST ISN'T MY DAY.

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO
SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS.

LAY DOWN THE LAW.

I KNOW. YOU THINK?

BE FIRM, MY FRIEND.

POWER!

IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE
WOMEN UNDERSTAND.

YOU SHOW SALLY WHO
WEARS THE PANTS, MY FRIEND.

THAT'S THE WAY.

THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.

YOU'RE RIGHT!

I WEAR THE PANTS!

AND INHALE...

AND EXHALE.

ISN'T THIS GREAT EXERCISE?

YEAH. I HAVEN'T HAD
THIS HARD A WORKOUT

SINCE THE LAST TIME
I WENT BREATHING.

WELL, THAT'S IT, EVERYBODY.
THANKS FOR COMING.

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL TALLER?

OH, GOD. I KNEW THAT DWEEB
WAS LOOKIN' OVER HERE.

HERE COMES THE OLD PICKUP.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH.

I HOPE THIS ISN'T BEING RUDE...

JUST GET IT OVER WITH.

I WAS JUST WONDERING,
IS YOUR FRIEND ATTACHED?

LOOK, I'M NOT...

HER?

MM-HMM. COULD I INTEREST
YOU IN SOME COFFEE?

OH, NO, THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY, BUT DID YOU SEE ME?

YES, YES. AND YOU DID
JUST FINE FOR A BEGINNER.

ARE YOU SURE?

OH, POSITIVE.

THANKS.

WELL... LOOK AT ME.

ME!

DR. ALBRIGHT! DR. ALBRIGHT!

YOU GOT SOMETHING
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

OPEN IT! WHAT?!

OPEN IT!

"DEAR DR. MARY ALBRIGHT,

"IN RECOGNITION OF
YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS

"IN THE FIELD OF
UNDERGRADUATE EDUCATION,

"YOU ARE HEREBY INVITED
TO THE PRESIDENT'S DINNER

HONORING ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE."

OH, MY GOD.

"ENCLOSED ITINERARY..."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

"CHERRY TREE INN ON THE POTOMAC.

"LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING YOU,

"SINCERELY, BILL AND
HILLARY RODHAM...

POTATO MAN."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

VERY FUNNY.

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY! I JUST HAD TO!

HA HA HA HA HA!

THIS WAS STUPID AND CHILDISH.

I KNOW. BUT WE'RE
EVEN NOW, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. LIVE THAT FANTASY.

DID YOU SEE THE PART
ABOUT THE CHERRY...

I GOT A WORK ORDER
TO PAINT THE DOOR.

OHH! OH, YES. RIGHT.

YEAH, RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT OVER THIS NAME.

AND BIGGER! AND BOLDER!

SO WHEN ONE APPROACHES THE DOOR,

A MERE GLANCE WILL
ESTABLISH JUST WHO'S WHO...

IN THIS OFFICE.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OOH HOO HOO HOO HOO!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO.

OH, HE'D BE VERY UPSET.

OH HO HO.

THIS SAYS "DICK SOLOMON."

HE GETS THAT A LOT.

IT'S DICK...

S-A-L-M-O-N.

SALMON.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE
BIG, PINK, STINKY FISH.

ALL RIGHT,

LET'S ROCK.

Drummer: 1, 2, 3, 4!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PLAYING.

COME ON, MAN, WE'RE
A SPEED METAL BAND.

NO, WE'RE NOT. WE'RE
A DEF METAL BAND.

IT'S NOT ABOUT LABELS,
OK? IT'S ABOUT THE MUSIC.

ABOUT THAT MUSIC, UM, HOW
MANY SONGS DO WE HAVE?

JUST THE ONE.

WE NEED MORE THAN ONE SONG.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT
COUNTING SONGS, SOLOMON.

THIS IS ABOUT THE MUSIC.

WELL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

IT'S ABOUT IMPRESSING AUGUST,

AND ONE SONG AIN'T GONNA CUT IT.

HEY, MAN, IF YOU'RE
TRUE TO THE MUSIC,

WOMEN, THEY CAN SENSE IT.

WELL, IF THE WOMEN CAN
COUNT, WE'RE SCREWED.

LET'S ROCK.

♪ ONE MO'! ♪

♪ ONE MO! ♪

WHOOOOO!

OOOOOHHH!

♪ ONE MO'! ♪

I'M SORRY.

MATTHEW?

HEY, MATTHEW?

MATTHEW!

YES.

YOU... YOU LOOK
REALLY NICE TODAY.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?
'CAUSE I'M REALLY BUSY.

YEAH, I THINK I PULLED
MY BUTT MUSCLE!

LET ME SEE IF I CAN GO
RUN DOWN A NURSE FOR YOU.

DAMN!

HI. ARE YOU FROM THE
SWEDISH MOTOR PLACE?

SI. I AM SWEDISH.

YEAH. IT'S THE RED
VOLVO, UM, OVER THERE.

WHEN I CHANGE GEARS, IT
MAKES A GRINDING NOISE.

IS A GRINDING?

YES! IS A GRINDING.

AH! RECOGNITION AT LAST.

NOW ALL WHO PASS THROUGH
THE HALLOWED GATES OF HUFF HALL

WILL KNOW THAT THIS
OFFICE IS OCCUPIED

BY DR. DICK SALMON.

CUANDO EL CAR CHANGES LAS GEARS,

UH, NO ES BUENO.

UH, IT MAKES A...

RRRRRRRR!

RRRRRRRR!

YES. RRRRRRR!

RRRRRRR!

WHAT?

ALLOW ME, MARY.

CON PERMISO, SEÑOR.

LA PALANCA DEL
CARRO DE LA SEÑORA

SALTA CUANDO HACE EL CAMBIO.

OH, SI, SI.

TAMBIEN, QUIERE QUE LE INSTALE

UN EQUIPO EN STEREO

DE DOSCIENTOS MATIOS

CON ESOS PALANTES GIGANTES

EN LA PARTE DE ATRAS.

AH! NO HAY PROBLEMA.

OH, GREAT.

Y... POR FAVOR,

A LOS COSTADOS,

PINTE LLAMAS DE COLOR
NARANJA ENCENDIDO.

ESO SERá MUY CARO.

OH, NO HAY PROBLEMA.

ELLA ESTA LLENA DE DINERO.

¡BUENO, BUENO!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DICK.

NO PROBLEMA.

THE TIME HAS COME
TO LAY DOWN THE LAW.

IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO
GIVE THIS RELATIONSHIP 110%...

THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD
START SEEING OTHER PEOPLE.

DON! I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE SAYING THIS.

WELL, I AM.

IF IT TURNS OUT THERE'S
SOMEBODY THAT WE WANT,

WE SHOULD BE FREE
TO JUST MOVE ON.

DON, IT'S LIKE YOU
CAN READ MY MIND!

IT IS?

YEAH. YOU SEE, THERE'S
THIS GUY I MET... MATTHEW...

AND I GOTTA LEVEL
WITH YOU. I WANT HIM BAD!

YOU DO?

WELL...

GOOD.

NO NEED WASTING PRECIOUS
SECONDS PINING OVER DON.

EXACTLY!

OH, DON, YOU REALLY
UNDERSTAND ME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED

AND YOU TELL ME TO GO FOR IT.

IT'S LIKE...

YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND
A GAL LIKE ME COULD HAVE.

SALLY, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

ABSOLUTELY.

HOLD ON TO MY GUN.

GET ME SOME PARSLEY.

NO. PARSLEY!

NO, NOT PEPPER. PARSLEY!

THIS IS PEPPER!

PEPPER! PARSLEY!

TURN IT DOWN!

THIS ROCK AND ROLL
MUSIC HAS GOT TO STOP!

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S LOUD!

AND RHYTHMIC!

AND RHYTHM CAN LEAD TO DANCING.

ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PREACHES A GOSPEL

OF EASY SEXUALITY
AND RELAXED MORALITY,

AND I WILL NOT
ENDORSE AN ENTERPRISE

WHICH IS AS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL

AS I BELIEVE THIS ONE TO BE!

SO, YOU RESENT
US FOR BEING YOUNG

AND LIVING IN A WORLD
FULL OF CARNAL POSSIBILITIES

WHICH YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY ENJOY.

YES!

NOW KNOCK IT OFF!

AH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, BOYS.

I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL.

I USED TO BE A GROUPIE
FOR THE KINGSTON TRIO.

OK. I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO GO.

I HAD AN ALL-ACCESS PASS.

AS A MATTER OF
FACT, SO DID THEY.

DR. SOLOMON, COME ON, ENOUGH
WITH THE PRACTICAL JOKES.

BUT, NINA, THERE'S NOTHING
PRACTICAL ABOUT THIS JOKE.

IT'S AN UTTERLY POINTLESS,
HURTFUL, AND ASININE WASTE OF TIME.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT THIS FURNITURE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

AS A STUDENT OF THE
ANCIENT CHINESE ART

OF FENG SHUI,

I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE
SPIRITUAL HARMONY OF THIS ROOM

WAS UPSET BY HAVING
THAT BITCH SITTING THERE.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER
ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, DON.

I KNEW YOU'D CALL, SALLY. IT
WAS JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

I NEED YOU, DON. I NEED YOU BAD.

WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY
I WAS AVAILABLE.

YOU KNOW, I GOT A LOT
ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, MY... MY LADY PLATE.

LISTEN, YOU CAN DO
SOMETHING FOR ME

THAT NOBODY ELSE CAN DO.

I KNOW I CAN, BABY.

BUT IF YOU EXPECT ME TO COME
CRAWLING BACK TO YOU NOW,

YOU GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING.

OH, NO, I DON'T
WANT THAT AT ALL.

ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I CAN
CRAWL LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

OH, NO.

THANKS, SWEETIE, BUT
WHAT I NEED FROM YOU

IS A BACKGROUND
CHECK ON MATTHEW.

WHO IS HE? WHAT
ARE HIS WEAKNESSES?

HOW CAN I CUT HIM OUT OF
THE HERD AND BRING HIM DOWN?

WHY BOTHER WHEN YOU HAVE
A SICK, HOBBLED WILDEBEEST

RIGHT IN YOUR OWN FRONT YARD?

HEY, TOMMY.

HOW'S THE BAND?

WELL, UH, WE'VE AVOIDED
THE TRAP OF OVER-REHEARSING,

WHICH CAN BE A PROBLEM, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE SONG.

I WROTE A SONG.

DID YOU?

♪ PICTURE WINDOW
PAINTS MY MIND ♪

♪ BLACK HORIZON'S VALENTINE ♪

ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!

MARY.

DICK.

YOUR DESK WAS
GONE WHEN I GOT HERE.

I BELIEVE YOU.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

IT WAS ME!

I HAD THEM TAKE
AWAY YOUR DESK! ME!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.

OH, YOU JUST WANT TO
QUIT 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T WIN.

OH, MY POOR DEFEATED MARY.

YOU'RE JUST
OUTMATCHED, THAT'S ALL.

BUT IT TAKES A BIG
WOMAN TO ADMIT THAT.

AND JUST TO SHOW THERE
ARE NO HARD FEELINGS,

I'M GOING TO...

MY ARM IS STUCK.

THAT'S STRANGE. SO IS THIS ONE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THERE
WAS GLUE ON MY DESK.

DICK, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

IT COULDN'T BE GLUE.

IT MUST BE THERMAL BOND EPOXY.

NO!

UHHHH!

UHH!

OHH!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

MISTAKE.

HUGE MISTAKE.

OH, THANKS.

OH, WAIT A SECOND.

THAT'S BETTER.

OHH!

YOU CAME!

HOW COULD I REFUSE?

WELL, WHAT WAS IT
THAT CONVINCED YOU?

THE FLOWERS? THE
RADIO DEDICATIONS?

THE SKYWRITING?

YOU HIRED A SKYWRITER.

WELL, HE WAS MORE
OF A CROP DUSTER,

BUT HE WROTE "SALLY" OVER YOUR
HOUSE WITH DIOPROPYLENE, SO...

THAT EXPLAINS THE VOMITING.

YEAH.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

I HAVE NEVER HAD A
WOMAN WORK SO HARD

TO GET MY ATTENTION.

IT'S FLATTERING.

MEANING... YOU WANT
TO GO OUT WITH ME?

SURE.

YES!

HA!

I GOT YOU.

YOU GOT ME.

HA!

OHH!

WELL, NOW WHAT?

OK, I WAS THINKING YOU
COULD START OFF IN JEANS,

BUT THEN YOU COULD CHANGE INTO
VINTAGE TUXEDOS BETWEEN SONGS.

BETWEEN SONGS?

WE ONLY HAVE ONE SONG!

WELL, YOU COULD CHANGE
DURING THE DRUM SOLO.

THE SONG PROBLEM IS OVER, TOMMY.

I WROTE 4 NEW SONGS LAST NIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, BUT SINCE
WHEN ARE YOU IN THIS BAND?

TOMMY, TELL THEM.

TELL THEM WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT IN THE BAND.

WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL,

I QUIT THE BAND.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD REPHRASE
THAT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT

THAT YOU WERE NEVER IN THIS
PATHETIC, NON-PERFORMING BAND!

YOU KNOW, THAT IS IT, SOLOMON.

YOUR ATTITUDE IS JUST
TEARING THIS BAND APART.

YOU'RE OUT OF THE BAND!

I NEVER WANTED
TO BE IN THE BAND!

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO GO.

WHAT?

HARRY!

WE'LL SEND YOU A T-SHIRT.

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I WONDER,
WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG TO...

UH-HUH.

I MEAN, YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE SEXY.

UH-HUH.

UHHH! UHHH!

OW!

YEOW!

OW!

OH, DICK, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

WHEN WE BROKE UP,
I WAS SO MAD AT YOU,

BUT NOW I'VE JUST MADE IT
WORSE BY ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

TRUCE?

TRUCE.

GREAT. NOW WE CAN GO
BACK TO ACTING LIKE ADULTS.

YES, MARY.

ADULTS.

MARY, IT APPEARS YOUR
VOLVO IS BACK FROM THE SHOP.

WHAT?!

DAMN!

HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

WOMEN.

WOMEN.

WOMEN.

♪ WOMEN! ♪

YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM,

AND YOU CAN'T HAVE
HETEROSEXUAL SEX WITHOUT 'EM.

THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

WELL, I'M OUTTA HERE.

WHEN SALLY SHOWS
UP WITH MR. YOGA,

I'M LIABLE TO GO
MEDIEVAL ON HIS ASS.

BYE, DON.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? YOU DO THINGS
YOUR WAY, THEY'RE NOT HAPPY.

YOU DO THINGS THEIR WAY,
THEY'RE STILL NOT HAPPY.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA LEARN
YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH WOMEN?

THE FEMALE FEIGNS WEAKNESS
ONLY TO USE IT AS A WEAPON.

IT'S LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS.

YEAH.

SHE ACTS SO FRAGILE AND WILLOWY,

BUT WHEN THE MALE APPROACHES,

SHE SPRAYS POISONOUS
MUCOUS FROM HER EYELIDS,

AND HE BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

PRAYING MANTISES DON'T DO THAT.

SO WHAT? THE ANALOGY STANDS.

YOU CAN'T NEGOTIATE
WITH THEM, TOMMY.

YOU GOTTA GIVE AS
GOOD AS YOU GET.

NOW, MARY FOUND THAT OUT.

OH, YEAH.

THE HARD WAY.

WHY ARE THERE OFFICE SUPPLIES

STUCK TO THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD?

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP THEM.

1, 2, 3, 4!

WHAOOO!

WHOOOO-HOOO!

HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

THAT'S MY DAD'S GUITAR!

HE'S GONNA KILL ME!

I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO.

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