3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 27 - Eat, Drink, Dick, Mary - full transcript

Because it is two years ago that Dick and Mary went out and had sex together, Dick plans a romantic dinner and everybody is invited. Vicki Dubcek is back and tells Harry she has been with another man, Randy, but that's over. Tommy turns out to be a brilliant cook and while Dick & Mary, Harry & Vicki and Sally & Don are having a good time at the dinner table, Vicki gets flowers from Randy and Harry gets a warning to 'watch his back'...

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Why don't you tell
us what's going on?

What do you mean?

Where did you find those?

In your sock drawer.

How could you?

After all we've done for you.

Ok. It's not what you think.

It's exactly what I think.

It's oregano and fresh Rosemary.

I can't believe it.
You can cook!

You punk!

No! No, I can't cook. I swear!

Then how do you explain this?

This, uh... It's marijuana.

This whole time we've
been eating her slop,

and you're a damn gourmet!

No! No, it's pot. I swear.

I... I smoke it with my friends.

I... I love to toke up
on the fat daddies...


Oh, I blame myself.

How could I have
missed all the signs?

I mean, just last month
I was doing laundry,

and I found a measuring
spoon in his pants.

I was as blind as you, Sally.

At the mall he said

he was going to the
comic book store,

but I saw him come out
of the Williams-sonoma.


Oh, Tommy.

It's confectioners' sugar!

Confectioners' sugar?!

So you've been baking, too!


Look what your selfishness
has done to Sally.

Get out of my sight!

Oh, but first, make me a
spinach and fennel frittata.

Hey, Tommy. What do you got?

They had some really
nice snapper.

Oh, great!

I gotta say I feel liberated

not having to sneak
around all the time.

It's just so nice being
able to wear my apron

out in the open.

Well, that breakfast was great.

You know, I've never had
a spinach frittata.

Incoming message...

From the big giant head.

Oh, my God. Dick, get in here!

What is it?

Our records indicate
that your status report

is 22 days late.

Please submit your
finished report

to the big giant head's
personal assistant,

big giant Jenny.

I hate that bitch.

Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1.


Oh, what's going on?

Dick didn't finish
the status report.

You didn't?!

Oh, come on. It's
not a big deal.

Anyway, I've had more
important things on my mind.

This weekend, Mary and I

are celebrating our anniversary.

Anniversary of what?

The second anniversary
of our first real date

and its real-date consequences.

Infer at will.

Ohh. Whoa.

She's not even your girlfriend.

Well, we don't choose
to restrict ourselves

with terms like
girlfriend and boyfriend.

We don't corral our emotions.

No. We let them run free

on the open plains of ambiguity.

So Mary won't let you
call her your girlfriend.

She prefers that I don't.

Hello, Harry.


You're alive!

Oh, very much so.

Ohh! But... but...

There's something
you should know.

Oh, please don't
say the alphabet.


Harry, while I was away, I...

I had needs.

Oh, really?

And I could not help but
involve myself with men

in an overly carnal, naked way.

What are you saying?

I had...

A boyfriend. His name was Randy.

But... but it's all
over now, Harry.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Just finished your last class.

You know it!

Ha ha!

You're gonna miss those
kids, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. That's why I
never learn their names.

It would be too hard.

Yes! Nina. Mary.

Hi, dick!

Oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Oh, you're in a good mood.

I am.

Would it have anything to do

with a certain special day?

Of course.

It is the most fantastic
day of the year.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.
In fact,

I'm throwing a
little party for us

to celebrate it. Great!

Nina, do you have any plans

for Saturday night?

Oh, I have a concert.

Oh, terrific.

That spares me the awkwardness

of not inviting you.


Tommy, you have
reinvented the sandwich.

Uh, actually, it's a panini.

Tommy, you have reinvented

the panini sandwich.

No, no, no.

Panini is Italian for sandwich.

Tommy, you have invented

the Italian panini sandwich.

Oh, good night, don.

Good night, Sally.

And, by the way, kick-ass date!

Ooh, come in for a second.

Hey, you guys!

Big news.

Don and I were seeing a movie...

Uh, Sally?

And old Donny here
got to second base!

That's up my shirt!

Donny, good for you!

Way to go!

Oh, hey, don, you should
see them in the light.

Roger. I... I gotta go.

I'm working on a
pair of hot tips.

And... a firm bust.

A big... big bust.

There's been a murder!

Bye, Mr. happy hands.

Oh, God. That was fun.

I want more.

More what?

Well, I'm not sure,

but I think I'm ready
to lose my virginity.

Hey! Good for you, lieutenant.

I want don to go to third base.

Wait, Sally, that's still gonna
leave you 90 feet short.

Hey, you know, I have the
perfect opportunity.

Saturday night I'm hosting
a romantic dinner party.

You and don should come.
That's perfect!

Yeah. Tell him to
swing for the fence.

I will!


Who disturbs me?

Why weren't you in school today?

Were you sick or something?

Yes. Sick over the lack
of fresh rapini Greens

in this cursed town.

How did you learn to cook?

I should just as soon ask,

"how did you learn to breathe?"

Now stir this creme fraiche.

For how long?

Until your arm falls off.

Oh, Vicki!


Everybody looks so nice.

I feel like I'm at the track.

Vicki, you remember

my true love, Dr. Mary albright?

Oh, yes.

Nice to see you again, Vicki.

Oh, yes, ma'am, it's
nice to see you, too.


You know, I have this little
pain in my lower back...

Oh, Vicki,

I'm not that kind of doctor.

I'm a doctor of anthropology.

What is that? Is that,
like, the rear?

So I said to the burglar,

"not your pants, the gun!"

The gun! Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Oh, that... that
didn't really happen.

So, you mean to tell me
you really didn't know

what you were doing
the first time?

Oh, please. I didn't
know what I was doing.

He didn't know
what he was doing.

The bus kept making
all those stops.

Yeah, but you figured it out.


Yeah, it was awkward at first.
But, you know,

once we got that
seat to ourselves.

It got better.

So the thieves drove off,

and his wooden leg was
still in the car!

Oh, my God! Ha ha!

Hi, hi, hi. Vicki, these
just came for you.

Oh, my. Honey, you
shouldn't have.

Oh, gee.

Look, there's a card.

Oh, gee.

"I will never stop loving you.
Love, Randy."

Oh, gee.

This came for you, too, Harry.


"Harry, watch your back, Randy."

Well, that's just good advice.

Everybody. Everybody.

First, I'd like to thank you all

for coming to our little fete.

Today we celebrate the
defining moment of my life.

And I know I speak
for Mary when I say

that she feels the same way.

Happy anniversary, darling.


Excuse me?

Happy anniversary. To us.

Don't you remember?


2 years ago this night

I irrevocably gave
you my heart...

And my body.

But apparently that
means nothing to you.

No, now I remember!

Ha ha! Happy anniversary, dick.

Who has room for kiwi tarts?

I don't!

Open the door, dick.

Sally, maybe dick needs
some time to cool off.

I know, but my
bedroom's through his.

Can't it wait?

Yeah, I guess it can.

I just thought we
could have sex now.

Dick! Dick, I'm
gonna count to 3,

and then I'm blowing
the locks off!

It's cold,

but the sauce is so delicious.

What do you put in it?

You think I'm going to share

my secret recipe with you?

Would I make a confidante

of my pot scrubber?

I think not!

Vicki, another delivery for you.

Not from Randy?!

Eww! Eww!

You don't have to
be Quincy to know

that's a pig's heart.

Well, it's a nice thought.

I'll go get a vase.

Sally, we're in!


I don't like you.

Oh, let me explain.

You can explain,

but I still won't like you.

Uh, don't mind us.

Police line. Do not cross.

My family was right.

We don't have a
real relationship.

Dick, you're overreacting.

Oh, am I?

Do you know what I went through

to make this evening
special for us...

The planning? The preparation?

Do you think this ensemble

just threw itself together?

What do you want me to say?

What I want is for you
to say you're sorry.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Oh, and that's supposed
to just magically

make it all better?
You're sorry?!

Look, dick,

there have been plenty of times

when you have done stupid
and insensitive things.


So you admit that what you did

was stupid and insensitive.

Fine. Something I might do.

What are you getting at?
For the first time,

Mary, you are just as stupid
and insensitive as I am!

Ok. We're equally dumb.

Happy, dick?

Well, happi... Er.

So, uh, don. You ready?


So... so we're gonna do it?

I want to do it.
You want to do it?

I want to do it.

So, uh, you ready
to rock my world?

Well, you're...

Definitely in for a jostle.

What are you doing?

I'm... I'm taking
off my clothes.

Oh, right. Yes!

Let's get naked.
That's brilliant!

This is gonna be
great, isn't it?

I think I'm gonna like it.

Well, good.

And... and even if I don't,

it won't last that long, right?

Well, Sally, I, uh...



Uh, Sally, uh, if there's
anything in particular

that you would like,

I'd be more than
happy to oblige.

Oh, are you kidding?

There's... there's
lots of stuff I like.

I mean, there's that whole...

The famous, uh, triple...

I'll be right back!

So, what has this flagrant
display of insensitivity

taught you, Mary?

That you don't have a monopoly

on idiotic behavior.


So, dick, can you
forgive and forget?

Oh, I forgive.

But I don't forget.

And I don't forgive.

I've been watching
you all night.

And you're a genius.

My genius.

I'm hungry for you, Tommy.

And I know you hunger for me.

Oh, Tommy!

Oh, August.

Oh, wait. My soufflé.

Oh, Tommy, Tommy!

Let it burn.

You don't understand me at all.

Get out of my kitchen!

You chefs...

Are all alike.


So, you mean he's willing
to do whatever you want?

Yeah, but I just don't
know what to ask him for.

Whoa! That's what we call
a high-class problem.

It is?

Look, it all depends on
your mood, you know?

Are you feeling naughty?



Actually, I'm feeling
a little gassy.

Well, then get the
hell out of our room!


You go for it, girl.

Man! Now where were we?

Well, let's see...

I am Dr. Monica van kleef,

chief of neurosurgery
at general hospital,

and you have a very
serious condition

that could relapse
at any moment.

Yes, I'm not feeling very...


Incoming message from
the big giant head.

Patient exhibiting
dangerous erotic symptoms.

Your status report
is now 23 days late.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I've been a naughty girl!

Penalties for lack of compliance

will be swift and severe.

Oh, you make me pay
that penalty, Harry!


Yeah! Oh, yeah! Big giant!

Big giant!

All right, let's go over it
one more time, shall we?

Oh, dick, can't we
just let it go?

May 20, 1996, 7:00 P.M.

We arrive together at the
restaurant, and what happens?

We sit down.

I order teriyaki shrimp,
you order water.

Dinner is lovely.

We make out.

I take you home and make

the biggest mistake of my life!


Falling for you! Oh!

Since that day, I have gotten
very good at forgiving.

You embarrass me in
front of my colleagues,

I forgive you.

You kill my fish,

I forgive you!

You paint flames on my car,

I forgive you.

You mock my work, you
insult my parents,

you destroy our engagement,

and still...

I forgive you.

You forgave me for all that?

Why do you think I'm here?!

Because you're crazy
in love with me?

Well, I'm crazy.

In love with me?

Oh, Mary.

I forgive you.

Ok, let me be the crazy
mental patient now.

Incoming message...


I have to go now.

Wait a minute, hon.
Where you goin'?

I gotta tell dick something.

Can I help you?


Can I help you?


I'm lookin' for a
scrawny little runt.

Ohh. Well, there are a few
of those around here.

Well, this guy better look out.

Oh, yeah!

'Cause I'm a bad, bad apple
and I'm rotten to the core.


You note it good, baby,

'cause Randy doesn't like it
when people get in his way.

I'm gonna find this guy.

Oh, yeah!

And when I do, I'm gonna
put a hurt on him


Leave this note.

"Dear Vicki,

"I came to reclaim you.

Oh, yeah!"

"I also intend to kidnap Harry."

You know, I don't really feel comfortable
reading other people's mail.

Heh heh heh heh.

I think you're Harry.

Well, I think you're Harry.



Ohh, don.

Ohh, Sally.

Ohh, don.

Ohh, Sally.

I'm naughty, I'm saucy,
I'm rambunctious,

and I've got a
high-class problem!

Oh, Sally!

Oh, my God! Help!

Unh! Sally! Sally!

Help! Help!

What's going on?

Randy took my Harry!

What? Who took Harry?

Who in jehovah's name
poked my soufflé?!

Oh, my God!

Harry's gone!

Harry's gone!

Harry's gone!

We know! Shut up!

My big giant head is gone.

Huh? What? Why did you say that?

That was one of our little
bedroom characters.

Incoming message, baby.

Family meeting! Family meeting!

Harry's been abducted!
This is not good.

He's in transmission mode.
That psycho's gonna hear him.

Our cover's gonna be blown!

Harry's not gonna
get to say much

if the psycho cuts his head off.

Oh, thank God.

No! That's a bad thing!

Will you just do something
before they get too far?!

The safest thing for us
to do is go back to bed

and let the professionals
take care of it.

We ought to check out the
bars by the railyards first.

Good idea. Let's go!

Oh, wait.

My linzer torte is ready.

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.

Let's go!

You picked the wrong guy
to mess with, Harry.

Oh, yeah!

I was born with teeth, baby!


I'm sorry. Do you
have any more tape?


Do you want me to try and
put this piece back on?

Put a sock in your
blow-hole, shamu!

I'm sorry, Randy. It's just
that I'm not used to...

Incoming message from
the big giant head.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you
goin' hulk on me?!

Due to your high
commander's failure

to submit your report
in a timely manner,

your interplanetary mission
is now subject to audit.

What the hell?

Remember, your human bodies

are property of the
big giant head

and can be revoked at any time.

Hot diggity damn!

This ain't no normal runt.

I got me a bona fide freak!

There could be money in this!

Oh, yeah!

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida

Oh, hell, this is cilantro.

Mmm. It's not bad, though.

Beats the hell outta basil.