3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 26 - The Tooth Harry - full transcript

Pitman has asked Mary to be in a university promotional video. When she tells this to Dick, he wants to play a part in it as well and starts praising Pitman hoping he'll give him a part. Nina has an appointment with the dentist and gets a ride from Harry. After that, Harry takes her home and makes her some soup. It turns out Nina and Harry find each other very good company. Meanwhile, Don regrets the fact he gave Sally a key to his house because she's constantly around and doesn't care about cleaning up or people that have to sleep.

This is Pendleton university

where today's students meet
tomorrow's challenges.

All right. Now, Harry,
here are the keys.

And remember, have
them fill up the tank,

check the wiper fluid,

and hang a new pine
tree air freshener.

What about the 3 flat tires?

If you have time.


You got TV in your office?

Oh. What are you watching, Mary?

It's a promotional video

the university sends out
to prospective students.

They're making a new one.

Oh, really?

Will they need a
Professor to be in it?

Yes. In fact, they asked me.

Oh. They asked you.

Yes. They said that they
were looking for professors

who were charming and articulate

and embodied
academic excellence.

Well, that certainly
does describe... You.

Don't feel bad.

No, no. I don't.

I'm far too busy in
my role as educator

to Sully myself with some
pointless exercise in narcissism.

Um, just out of curiosity,

who's the director?

One of your students, actually.

Aubry pitman.


Oh, he's my favorite student.

Such a wonderful young man.

He's the one with the bandanna?

Yeah, right.

It's official.

I'm gonna kill Warren.

Who's Warren?

The guy I'm... was dating.

He was supposed to drive
me to the dentist,

and he backed out.

Why are you going
to the dentist?

I'm having my wisdom
teeth removed.

Wouldn't it make more sense

to have extra ones installed?

Don't mess with me. Not today.

Nina, I can give you a ride
to the dentist's office.


You drive?

Like a maniac.

Come on.

Hey, guys.

Tommy, do you realize
how rude you're being?

I'm sorry. I'll turn it down.

Thank you.

No, no.

I should go.

Hey, don, you know what
we should do tonight?


But what were you thinking?

We should go back to
your place and watch TV.

They're showing a kidney
transplant on cable.

Oh. Sounds like fun, but I
gotta work late tonight.

Oh, but I don't get
the surgery channel.

Oh. Well, Sally,

there's no reason
you gotta miss it.

Why don't I give you my key?

Great. I'll put it under
your mat when I'm done.

Say, when you're done,

why don't you just...
Hang on to it?


Your key?

Oh, don, it's beautiful.

Oh, look! It's a schlage!

My favorite.

All righty, Nina.

We'll see you in a few days,

and I'll take out the
other 2 wisdom teeth.

Nina, are you ok?


Oh, you waited all this time.

That's so sweet.

Oh, my God.

You've been drugged.

Is that how you
get your jollies,

you sick bastard?

Harry, no.

I don't feel so good.

Can we go home now?

Sure. Come on, Nina.

I'll make sure that nobody
ever hurts you again.

I need to see her Friday.

Until Friday.

So the variable "x"
should equal the cosign

of the orbital trajectory "t,"

which is what? Anyone?

Pitman, how about you?

The illustrious
director in our midst.

I don't know.

Oh, of course you do.

Come on, give it a shot,

mon auteur du cinema.

Well... 4.

Yes. "4" is correct.

You are brilliant.

All hail pitman.

Dr. Solomon?

Leon, you're not hailing pitman.

Uh, hail pitman.

But isn't "4" wrong?

Oh, what do you know?

Well, when I answered "4,"

you said I was dumber
than a bucket of hair.

You must be mistaken.

No, he's right.

He said that if the orbital
trajectory was "4,"

then the earth would
spin out of orbit

and crash into the sun.

And then you told us

to "shun the idiot child Leon,

"for he has killed us all

with his cretinous answer of 4."

Fine, fine. Pitman,
say another number.



All hail pitman.



Easy there, sleepyhead.

This soup is hot,

and, after all
you've been through,

the last thing you need
is a good scalding.

How long have I been asleep?

Mm, it's been about 6 hours.

And you've been standing
over me the whole time?

Oh, no. No, every
couple of minutes,

I had to go to the microwave

to reheat the soup.

Ooh, wow.

That's the...
Strangest, nicest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

Thank you.

Oh, it's ok.

Oh, by the way, I hope
you don't mind...

But while you were asleep,

the light hit you just right,

and I had to draw a portrait.

I assume you like
roller skating.

Hey, don.

Sally, hi.

I'll be right back.

This key is so awesome.

So, you really had a good
time here last night

without me.

Did you have some friends over?

Uh-uh. Just me.

Oh. I watched some fat
guy getting a pig valve.

Sorry I missed it.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey. Don, how's a
Western omelet sound?

Oh, it sounds great.


Throw in some bacon if
you got it, all right?

Good morning.

Why are you so cheerful?

I don't know.

I guess it's 'cause of Harry.


Harry Solomon?

He's so sweet and funny.

Oh, now wait a minute.

You're not considering
getting involved...

Oh, no.

You are.

Oh, come on.

Are you... A little.

No, Nina!

Oh, you're one to talk.

Dr. Solomon is just
as bizarre as Harry,

and he's completely

Oh, don't be absurd.

Behold the glory that is me.

Oh, go file something.

Mary, you'll never guess.

I've just been chosen
to be your costar

in the promotional video.

I thought you said it was a
pointless exercise in narcissism.

Well, now it has a point.


Tommy, I need you to
run my lines with me.

Here, you be Mary.

"You will be inspired
by our scenic campus."

Yes, they will, Mary.

It's 22 acres of paradise.

Wait. You're actually
gonna say that?

Well, of course. Why not?

'Cause it's a lie.

It's a 22-acre reclaimed
uranium mine.

Well, it's a little radioactive,

but isn't every college?

Look. None of this
stuff is true.

Oh, what do you mean?


"State-of-the-art equipment,

"superior student body,

low suicide rate."

You're right, Tommy.

These are horrible lies.

What am I going to do?

Well, if you want to
keep your integrity,

you're going to have
to quit the film.

These are horrible lies.

What am I going to do?

♪ And fire away


Hi, don.

Sally. Sally. Sally!

I worked the graveyard
last night.

I didn't hear you
come in this morning.

Glad to see that you're making
yourself right at home.

Oh, this is better than home.

Nobody tells me what to do.

Nobody complains.

Not yet, no.

Harry, let me ask you something.

Are you seeing anyone?

No. I'm completely unattached.

Totally available.

I'm ready, willing, and waiting.

'Cause, you know, I'm not
seeing anyone, either.

Oh, really?

And since we both
like each other

and we're both not
seeing anyone...


Do you see where I'm
going with this, Harry?


You're saying that we'll
always be friends

and nothing more.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.


Well, to hell with friendship.

I want you, woman.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, Nina.

Um, uh...

Nina, I'm ready for you.

Oh. I have to go, Harry,

but I'll be right back.

I'll be right here, Nina.

No matter what happens,

I will be right here.

No matter what occurs,

no matter how long it takes,

I'll be here.

On that you can rely.

Well, I'm sorry,

but a promise is a promise.

Hey, don.


Hey, uh, what are you doing?

Just standing.

Can I ask you a question?



I got nowhere else to go.

Since I gave my key to Sally,

she's taken over my apartment.

You just gotta talk to her, don.

Yeah, but...

Hey, guys.

Sally. What are you doing here?

Uh, you ran out of toilet paper.

Oh. Now... Now listen, Sally,

I'm having some guys
over tonight to, uh...

Watch some fights
on pay-per-view.

Cool. Party.

Well, it's sort of a...
A guys' night.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's a party.

But... With the guys.

I got it.

With the guys.

It's no problem.

All right. Ok.

Well, I gotta go. See you later.

Hey, Sally. Yeah?

You wanna go see a movie
or something later?

Oh, no, I can't.

I'm watching the fight
with the guys tonight.

Ok. Now just follow along

and see if I have it.

Can do.


I'm Dr. Mary albright.

I'm proud to be a member...


What's with the accent?

What accent?

This is my formal
speaking voice.

Always has been.

Never mind.

Uh, pitman, we need to
have a little chat.

Dr. Solomon has some
problems with the script.

What do you mean?

It's just a few little
minor word changes really.

Like, uh, here where
it says "scenic,"

he'd rather say "attractive."

And instead of "rigorous,"

he'd prefer "challenging."

And right here where it says,

"the student body is superior,"

he would prefer "inferior."

Can we rehearse this once
just the way it's written

so we can hear how it sounds?

All right.


And... Action.


I'm Dr. Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's with the accent?

Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

The lady albright
hath no accent.

Fine. Dr. Solomon,
from your line.

"Hello. I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

"and I think you'll find

the tradition of excellence
here at Pendleton..."

you know, what's tripping me up

is the word "excellence."

If I could just say,

"tradition of adequacy."

You know what?

I don't care.

You can rewrite
whatever you want,

as long as it makes
Pendleton sound good.

But what's my motivation?

Maybe we want people
to come here?

Oh. Oh, well, ok then.

Hey, mom, look,

he took my tooth out.

That's nice, honey.

Hey, mister, look what I got.

Oh, thanks, kid.

You just ate my tooth.

Well, there's no graceful
way out of this one.

Oh, man.

Now I won't get a visit
from the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy?

You know. You put your
tooth under your pillow,

and then the tooth fairy
gives you 5 bucks.

Wow. Are you sure?

Yes, and the tooth fairy
will visit Ronnie tonight.

Are you coming on to me?

Ok. Places, people,

and... Action.


I'm Dr. Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member

of the Pendleton faculty.

Well said, Mary.

I'm proud, too.

I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

Professor of physics
here at Pendleton.

We're here to talk about
our fine university.

And a fine university
it is, Mary.

It's fine.

It's not great,

but it's not the worst.

At Pendleton, our
students come first.

Our priority is to get you
out of your parents' home

and into a classroomlike

As are easy to come
by here at Pendleton,

as is delicious
thin-crust pizza.

Our lab facilities are

Or at least they
used to be, Mary.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

But let's be realistic.

If you got into a
quality school,

you would only
feel stupid there.

But you can be a genius
here at Pendleton...

The Harvard of mediocrity.

Not affiliated with
Harvard university.



I thought you weren't
coming tonight.

Why would I miss guys night?

The fight's started.

All right. Just a minute.

The whole point of guys'
night was that we have...

Ooh! Ooh!

What? What did I miss?

The fight.

It's over.

Sally, you made me
miss the fight.

Well, I didn't mean to.

Oh! Damn!

You made me miss the
instant replay.

Well, I missed it, too.

You're the one who
keeps talking.

Far be it from me to
talk in my house.

All right. Give me the key.

Well, how would I get in?

You wouldn't.

Look, when I gave you the key,

it was in hopes that we would
spend quality time together.

But there hasn't
been any quality.

There's just been quantity.

You're here all the time.

You're leaving messes. You're
shaving yourself in weird areas.

Ooh. Ooh.

Of the house.

Will you guys get out?

So much for guys' night, huh?

Yeah. They always end like this.

One time, I forgot
to use a coaster.

One time, I left the
toilet seat up.

Will you get out?!

What's going on with you, don?

I'll tell you what's going on.

You're turning donville
into sallyburg,

and I don't like it.

I'm fed up with it, Sally.

Gosh. You never
yelled at me before.

I guess I screwed up.

Starting to think that
you like my apartment

more than you like me.

Wait just a second.

That is not even a little true,

and you know that, pumpkin.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Am I still your lady?

You know it, baby.

Can I still come over

and we can hang out together?


Can I have the key back?



Your bedroom's so much
bigger than mine.

Ooh. And a bed. Nice touch.

Oh, Harry, you're so funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm gonna go pour us some wine.

I'll be right here.

Ok. She lost the 4 teeth,

so that's... 20 bucks.

You know, Harry...

I have been looking all over

for the right guy,

and all along he's
been right here

in my own backyard.

I once found a
perfectly good comb

in my backyard.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, Nina.

Oh, baby! Rrrrr!

Wait. What's this?

Oh. You weren't
supposed to find that

till tomorrow morning.

You left me 20 bucks?

Well, yeah. That's the
going rate, isn't it?

Going rate?!

Well, yeah. 5 bucks a pop.

That seems pretty
reasonable to me.

You need to get your bony
butt out of my bedroom.

Well, I thought we
were gonna have sex.

Get out!

Well, but I thought...

Get out!

You know what?

Maybe the men you've been
dating aren't the problem.

No. Maybe the problem

is that you're just
a little too moody.

It's more than a good school.

I love this place.

And it's not so much a faculty

as a family.

Here we come.

I'm Professor Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member

of the Pendleton faculty.

I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

Professor of physics...

I'm Dr. Judith draper,

and I think I speak
for my colleagues

when I say I'm proud...

Those are my lines.

They cut us out!


That back-stabbing,
scene-stealing bitch!

Well, I can understand
why they cut you out.

You were sabotaging
the whole production.

But me?

Oh, yes. How dare they cut out

the bloody queen of england?

Shh! Do you mind?

Our scenic campus

is 22 acres of paradise.

Wow, Dr. draper.

Pendleton sounds like the best.

I'm sending in my
application right away.

Smart move, Brandon.

Well, the... the
director decided

to go a different way with it.

Oh, Harry, I'm sorry things
with Nina didn't work out.

Relationships are hard.

Well, maybe things didn't
work out with Nina,

but at least I'll always have

a little part of her with me.

You have her teeth in a jar?

That's so romantic.

I wonder if don's home.