3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 25 - When Aliens Camp - full transcript

Dick decides the Solomons go camping, tells them not to bring anyone else because it's a family weekend and then invites Mary to come along.

Wait. The police have
their own car wash?

Oh, don, I'd love to.

Oh, this could be
fun for tonight.

The rutherford museum is
presenting their Titanic exhibit.

They're unveiling
a tank of water

from where the doomed
liner went down.

I'm on the phone.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought that you...

No, it's nobody. It's just dick.

What's for lunch?

I didn't make anything.

All right, I'm off
to the gyro stand.

Oh, Harry,

Harry, it's gyros.

You know, if one more person
tells me how to pronounce it,

I'm just gonna stop eating 'em.

Harry, stay here.

We can order pizza and
eat it all together.

See you guys later.

Wait. Where are you going?

The arcade.

Oh, that sounds like fun.
Let's all go.

Have fun. I'm staying home.

That's it. Family meeting!
Family meeting!

You're not family. Get out!

What was that about?

Don't you see what's
happening here?

We're not spending
any time together.

What about last week when we went
to the plumbing supply store?

That was an emergency.

Oh sure, throw that
back in my face.

We're all going off in
different directions.

We're becoming a fragmented
crew and a lousy family.

Yeah, but that happened,
like, months ago.

I thought we were
all ok with that.

You know, I'm still the leader

of this so-called family,
and what I say goes.

Fine. What do you have to say?

We're spending this weekend
together as a family.

Great! I'll call don.

No, no, no, no! That's
the whole point!

We're going out and doing
something together. Family only.

Well, like what?

Oh, I-I don't know.

Like these people.

Look how much fun
they're having.

What are they doing?

Um, eating cereal?

No, but what are they doing?

It's called camping, dick.

Camping! That's it.
We're doing camping!

Going camping.

We're going camping!

Bottle opener?
That'll be useful.

A saw? God knows...

God knows we'll use that.

A scissors? Get out of town!

Oh, that Swiss army.

Yeah, when they get in the game,

they are ready to play.

Sweet lord! A toothpick!

Nina, have you got anything
stuck in your teeth

that I can assist you with?

No, thanks. I'm good.

Oh. That's a shame.

Now, Nina, if you need
to reach me for anything

this weekend, I'll
be unreachable.

I'm going camping
with my family.

Mm-hmm. That's nice.

Now, before you ask,

I'm going to have to tell you...

No what?

No, you can't come along.

I hate camping.

I'm sorry, Nina, but I'm afraid

that's going to
have to be final.

You see, as head
of my household,

I've made an executive decision.

It's going to be just
me and my family.

We're going camping all weekend.

You're going camping?

Yes. Just me and my family.

Ohh, I love camping.

My folks and I
went every summer.

You did? Oh, yeah.

Dad and I would wake
up every morning early

to go blueberry picking.

And then mom would
shake off her hangover

and throw some blueberries
in the pancakes

and some in her bloody Mary.

What happy, beautiful memories.

Oh, I'd love to go back
up there sometime.

The fresh air, the starry skies.

A sleeping bag for 2.

A brisk dip in a babbling brook.

Clothing optional.

And then, go hiking,
collect some leaves.

Leaves clinging to our
wet, gleaming buttocks.

Excuse me?

Oh, Mary, come with us!

Oh, dick, I can't. I've got...

Oh, please, please.

Really? Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

You know what?

Yes! I'm gonna go for it.

I'm gonna go air out
my sleeping bag.

Yes! Yes!

Uh, Dr. Solomon,

I really hate to mention
this, but didn't you...

Nina, I'll say it one last time.
You cannot come!

Dick, I gotta tell you,

I was kinda mad with this
whole "family only" thing,

but I'm starting to have fun.

Oh, good. But, uh,

you know, when I
say family only,

I'm speaking in the larger sense

of, uh, the family of man,

which could include,
say, uh, Mary,

if you think about it.


Morning, campers! Hi, Mary.

Here you go! Oh, crap!

I'll go get the
rest of my stuff.

She's coming?

Well, you're the one
who took her backpack.

Now we have to bring her.

But you told me I
couldn't bring don.

I know what I said.
But if don were here,

it would be a different story.

You can't penalize Mary

for don's lack of initiative.

I am out!

Me, too! Screw this.

Sally, get in the
back and sit down!

That's an order!

Mary is coming with us, and I
will not tolerate any complaints.

Ok, I'm ready.

Where should I put this?

Oh, just throw it in the back.



Ow! Oh!

Oh, dick! It's
beautiful up here.

Not now, Mary.

I think that pine cone bit me.

I cannot believe people get
out of a comfortable bed

at the crack of dawn to come
out here and sleep on dirt.

I think it hearkens
back to the early days

when people were,
you know, idiots.

Hey, what's that? It's our tent.

We're not all gonna
fit in there.

We have to set it up, goober!

Maybe I can be of some help.

Do you know where
your guide pole is?

Uh, yeah, he's over there.

Trying to suck the venom
out of his pine cone bite.

Let's see. If each one
of us takes a corner...

Uh, you know what, albright?


I think we can manage.

Ok. Uh,

if you need me, I'll be over
here, setting up my tent.

Like she can help us.


Ok! Who wants to go say
hello to some trees?

Oh, I will! I love trees.

Uh, dick? Can I talk
to you for a sec?

What are you doing?

You drag us up here in
the middle of nowhere

and then you skip off with your
girlfriend to talk to trees?

Yeah, we need some help here.

Well, so does Mary. I
mean, look around.

She can't greet all
these trees on her own.

Mary. Mary!


This is reprehensible behavior.

How the hell are we going
to set this thing up?

Ok. I think I saw
how she did it.

Man, we're gonna die.

Hey, check it out. Those 2
dragonflies are doin' it.

I wish I was a dragonfly.

So you could be doin' it?

No. So I could fly
my ass outta here.


Did you see that, gang?

Now, that was a cast.

I'm really impressed. Genius.

You know, I'm just getting
a little bit fed up

with your negative attitude.

Well, I'm getting fed up
with the lack of lunch.

When are you gonna catch a fish?

I already did.

Uh, dick? Albright's
fish ate your fish.

It's the circle of life.

Harry, what was that?

I don't know.

I just bent over to
dig up some worms...

And these fat guys in orange
vests started shooting at me.

Oh, my God, Harry. You've
gotta be more careful.

They probably thought
you were a...

Here we go.

More woodsy wisdom from
albright of the jungle.

Harry, sit down.

Let's all sing that nice song

about rowing your
boat down the stream.

- Aw, man.
- I don't want to.

Just sing the freakin'
song, all right?

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ gently down the
stream merrily...

♪ merrily, merrily

what are you doing?

Joining in.

Well, you're a little late.

That how you sing it.
It's called a round.

Oh, please.

Sally, we're out in the woods.

This is supposed to be fun.

Fun? First you force
us to come up here,

and then she weasels her way in.


Dick invited me.
I didn't weasel.


- Wait a minute.
- You invited her?

You didn't tell them?

Hey, I think the bass are getting jumpy.
Lines in!

Oh, this is just great.

Hey, Mary, wait!

Weasel. Harry, enough
with the weasel.

No! Weasel!

That fish really looks
delicious, Mary.

Well, our dinner's almost ready.

Harry, I'm not eating that.

Oh, why, puddin'?

'Cause it doesn't have
butter or sour cream?


'Cause it's a rock.

Look at how smug she is

with her homemade tartar sauce.

Mary... Uh...

Here. Thank you.

You're welcome.

That was so big of you, Mary.

I could really go for
a nice end cut there

if you have some.

Say, guys.

How about throwing a little
of that bass my way?

Hey, Mary.

You know how we can
smooth things over?

What say you and me go into your
tent and flatten some grass?

Go to hell.

Ha ha ha ha.

Say, guys.

Now that we've got that
monkey off our backs,

we can get down to some really
serious family fun, huh?

Oh, I see how it's going to be!

You don't need me? Well,
I don't need you.

You hear me? I don't need you!

You hear me?

Shut up!


Fine. As long as you heard me.

Uhh! Aah!

Couldn't sleep a wink.

There was a big
rock under my foot.

That's funny. I couldn't sleep

'cause there was a
big foot on my head.

Hey. Hi.

How's the blueberry
picking going?

Well, I didn't get
as many as I like

on account of those guys
are still shooting at me.

Maybe you need a license
to pick blueberries.

That might be it.

Good morning.

Nice day.


Look. Obviously,
this isn't working,

so why don't you just go get
dick and we'll go home?

Fine. Go get him.

I don't have him. I
thought he was with you.

He's not with us. Where is he?

Hmm. Well, we got
nothing to go on

except for our best guesses

and this lengthy note from dick.

"Dear ungrateful family

"and sexy but vindictive lover.

"Since you have shunned me,
I have decided to leave.

You won't have dick Solomon
to kick around anymore."

He just walked out on us?

Weasel! Aah!


It's just an expression.

"Let's see how you do
without my leadership.

"Of course, I won't
be there to see it,

"but I am confident you'll fail.
Ha ha!

Good-bye forever, dick."

Ok, listen up, people.

What we got here is
a missing camper.

We're gonna check every outhouse,
doghouse, and henhouse

in a 5-mile radius.

What about just a house?

Shut up! Albright,
you guard the camp.

Oh, now, look, I think I
might be of some help here.


Maybe you can catch a
bass or toss a tent,

but when it comes to
search and rescue,

I'm in charge of the troops.


I just want to point out

that your troops are
standing in poison sumac.

So? They're not
eating it, are they?

Waking up alone in the forest.

My lungs full of fresh air,

my hair touched with dew,

my body lashed to the
ground with ropes,

my nose full of...

Wait, what was that last one?

My body's lashed to the
ground with ropes!


Somebody poke him!

No, no, no! Stop! Who are you?

What are you doing to me?

We're beaver scouts.

And we're poking you!

- Yeah!
- No! No!

Where's your beaver supervisor?

Mr. hagen?

He's sleeping off a
12-pack in the canoe.

I am a high commander,

and I order you to untie me!

You're a high commander?

I'm the high commander!

High commander of what?

Well, I'm between
gigs at the moment.

But I promise you that I am.

Prove it!

Yeah. Shoot down a helicopter.

Untie me, and I just might.


I have an acute knowledge

of thermodynamics and
gyroscopic motion.

Yeah! Cool!

Bitchin'! Yes!

Get the arms first, will you?





Albright, what are you doing
here Miles from the campsite?

Yeah, with your tent and
our tent and the lake...

And we just went in a
big-ass circle, didn't we?


My tree disguise
sure ain't working.

I told you you were going
in the wrong direction.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Then which way'd he go?

All right, his footprints
went off that way,

and then they veered up
north towards the Ridge.


would you like to lead the way?

No. I think you should
take the point.

Most of the dangerous work
is in the flank, so...

Let's go.

Hold on. Harry,

take off your coat.


put your coat back on.

Scout masters, families,



Yeah, it's all the same.

Just a bunch of whiny voices

trying to tell you
what's right and wrong.

Blah, blah, blah!

Blah, blah, blah!

Well, no more!

Now, you listen only to me.

The leaders you've had
before were weak, gutless.

They had nothing to
teach you except

the same old blah, blah, blah!

Blah, blah, blah!

Look around you, boys.

I declare this our new kingdom.

Here is where we
will make our stand.

Here, where we are truly free!

Blah, blah, blah!

No, I was trying to make
a serious point there.

Oh. Sorry.

Yeah. We just got swept up.

Hey, you guys, wait up.
I got a blister.

Oh, here. Let me take a look.

Why? You never seen
a blister before?

I have some aloe.
That should help.

No, I don't need any...
Oh, that's kinda good.

I played field
hockey in college,

and I used to get a blister
in exactly the same spot.

This always made it feel better.

You're not gonna try
to kiss me, are you?

So, you really
played field hockey?


See this scar? 5 stitches.

Courtesy of Laura
Parker, cheap shot.

Wow. What'd you do?

Dropped my stick and opened
her up like a melon.

You know what,
you're pretty tough

for a prissy little bookworm.

Thank you.

You should know, Sally, that
the last thing I wanted to do

was intrude on your
family weekend.

Oh, that's all right.

The last thing I wanted to do
was have a family weekend.

Want to keep looking for dick?

If for no other reason
than to kick his ass.

Hey, guys. Check
out these berries

we found down by the stream.

Oh, my God, Tommy. You
didn't eat these, did you?

These are Finch berries.

They make coffee beans
look like sedatives.

Let's go!

Dick! Dick?

Hey, you guys,

can you give Harry
another Berry?

He's drooling on my shoulder.

Oh, yeah.

Chasing that trout upstream
really wiped him out.


This is a secured area!

You are not authorized.

Oh, look at them.

Aren't they cute!

Oh, man!

You ever been with an admiral?

Ehh, hey, hey. Uh,

ease up there, little fella.

We're looking for a tall,

middle-aged guy.

Have you seen him?

Are you talking about the
king of the revolution?

Oh, God, I hope not.

Next time,

bring me creamy.

Would you like the jelly?

What flavor is the jelly?


The horror.

The horror.

We got prisoners!

Bring them in!

Keep it movin'.
Move, move, move!

Come on!

Uh, dick?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm creating a new society.

Our society.

I call it...


And you just crossed
the borders.


Go on, kids. Tie 'em down

and poke 'em with the sticks.

You touch me with that, I make
you look like a corn dog.

Ok, men, regroup.

Seriously, dick let's
get going, huh?

Oh, no!

No, you shunned me!

No. These are my people now.

We're staying in
these woods forever.

Forever? Forever.

Yeah, but it's only half an hour
till hamburger time back at camp.

No, no. We're gonna
kill a boar, remember?

We can eat for a week!

We got school on
Monday, ya moron!

Hey, I thought we agreed

that school was for,
you know, fools.


You're the one with peanut
butter on his face.

Let's go.

It was fun till he
took his pants off.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

What about our...
the plans for...

The world we... the cool fort?

Blah, blah, blah!

Well, this is probably
a long shot, but...

Did you bring my bathrobe?

And maybe some handi wipes?

Let's get out of here.

Oh, wait a minute. You haven't
seen our cool latrine.

You... you...



You got your trout
in my peanut butter.

Your peanut butter
got on my trout.

Not bad. Not bad.

All right, let me
get this straight.

You disobeyed your own orders,

invited albright into what you knew
would be a hostile environment,

alienated everyone,

and then you stomped
off into the woods

where you became a
jungle overlord.

Well, it's a mistake every
man makes sooner or later.

I learned my lesson.

Yeah, right. But
you have to admit

I did orchestrate a hugely
successful weekend.

How do you figure that?

Well, through a series

of apparently
lame-brained orders

and seemingly
selfish strategies,

I managed to lead this family

to a new level of unity.

And that's the story
you're going with?

Unless you've got
something better. No.

Here you go.

Hey, what are these?

Boy, you really haven't
camped, have you?

They're marshmallows on a stick.
You put 'em in the fire.


What do you think?

I can't quite put
my finger on it.

It's like... Peanut butter

but with a kind of fishy taste.

It's trout butter.

I don't like it.

I love it.