3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 24 - Sally and Don's First Kiss - full transcript

It's time for Don and Sally's first kiss, Harry has his night school exam and the cafeteria lady hates Dick.

Ha ha ha ha ha!


Thanks, don. I had
such a great time.

Oh, me, too.

It's been so long since we've
been on a... Date date.

Yeah. I'm so glad we
decided to skip the movie

and head straight for
the firing range.

You are some shot, Sally.


I was just tryin' to scare him.

You know, if...

If they put your face on
these targets, Sally,

no man would ever
take a shot at it.

Not with a gun.

Oh, don.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm... I'm
trying to kiss you, Sally.

Uh-huh. That would explain
the lips coming at me.

What's the problem, Sally?

Problem? What problem?

We've been going together
for over 2 years, Sally,

and we've never kissed.
Not once.

We haven't? Are you sure?

Believe me, I've
been keeping track.

If we had, I'd know.

Kiss me, Sally.

Kiss me for all the times

our lips have been razor
close but never met.

Just like that?

I don't know. This is
all happening so fast.

Nothing is happening
fast, Sally.

If this relationship
were a snail,

it would be mocked by the
other, faster snails.

Uh... uh, I just need
a little more time.

Take all the time in the world.


How about now?

Not yet.

I was only kidding.

What about now?

I said not yet!

I'm joking! It's a joke.
It's a joke.

You mean you've never
kissed don before?


No. Never?

No wonder you're so crabby.

Shut up, load.

There's nothing wrong
with taking your time.

Yeah. Give her a break.

If I were Sally, I
wouldn't kiss don, either.

You wouldn't? I would.

Me, too, in a second.

What's stopping you?

I don't know.

I really care about don.

It's just that the... the
moment didn't seem right.

It didn't seem special.

But why, muffin?

Action is action.

I say French the guy.

Part of me wants to.
It's just...

It feels like there's
something missing.

I think I know what it is.

Have you tried kissin'?

I don't understand.

I mean, don and I have such
a great time together.

Just last night we staked out
the laundromat for 6 hours.

Oh, the guy with
the slugs is back.

Oh. That sounds so nice.

But I think you may be missing

an essential part of
the human experience.




Don't worry.

Everything you need
to know about it

can be found in the writings

of the world's greatest
authority on the subject.

"The gates of windemere,
by Frank Shakespeare."

The Frank Shakespeare?!

The Frank Shakespeare.

Oh! Thank you, dick. Thank you!

What did you get, Nina?

The lunch special.

Ah. Soup and salad. I was
thinking of getting that.

Mary, what are you getting?

The special, dick.

Not the grilled cheese?
That's a nice sandwich.

Just pick something.


My croutons are sinking.

Get the special, dick. You
always get the special.

Just get the special!

One special, please.

I guess there's no
turning back now.

I've made my choice.

Oh, my God, they have
Salisbury steak!


One, uh...

Lunch special, please.


Are you sure?

I've only worked
here for 26 years.

Who had the lunch special?

Oh, for God's sakes, dick,
what's done is done!

No, no, I'm talking about the price.
How much was it?


Hmm. That's strange.

She charged me for crackers.

And one of them is broken!

"This city in Pennsylvania..."


"Is home of the liberty bell."


Hey. Let's focus, people.

This is our final exam.

I didn't sit through night
school for 3 months

not to get my diploma.

No! You did it

as part of your plea bargain.


Oh, well.

Hey! Hey, hey.

Calm down.

Now, what kind of test is this?

Multiple choice.

Oh! It's multiple...

Then your approach is all wrong.

Multiple choice is a matter
of patterns and balances.

Forget everything you know.

Knowledge is your enemy.

It's only gonna make you
second-guess yourself.

"Her bosoms heaved against
the flimsy cotton

"of her gown.

"He was about to have
his way with her,

and she was about to let him."

Hey, Sally.

I'm reading.

That's all.

Can't a girl read?

Yeah. Whatever.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi...


Love's delicate thunder.

Forbidden love is always
the sweetest, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

But that hunter Carlton

is trouble through and through.

But, Mrs. dubcek, how could
you judge him so harshly?

I know he's gruff and insolent

and makes women cry
for sport, but...

Is there a more handsome or tortured
soul in all of spencerville?


Mrs. dubcek, I've
been such a fool!

Don's been waiting
so patiently for me,

and all the while I've been
disregarding his manly needs.

What's wrong with me?

Nothing that a pint of bourbon

and a cheap motel
room won't fix.


You're right.

I will kiss him.

I will kiss him.

Mary! Mary! Listen.

Mary! I've polled everybody
in the faculty lounge, and...

No, don't tell me.

No one else is being
charged for crackers.

That's right!

So it's become a
campus-wide issue, has it?

No. It's just that you won't
stop talking about it.

I'm telling you, Mary, that
woman has it in for me.

Maybe it's all in your head.

I used to think there was a hidden
camera in the ladies' room.

Eventually, I dismantled the
ceiling tiles and found nothing.

I think I've said too much.

It's not in my head.

I have the receipt.

Maybe she just doesn't like you.

Not like me?

Hoo-hoo! Not likely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're Dr. Solomon.
You're loved by all.

Thank you, Mary.

That's all right.

I can't believe it. I failed.

I believe it.

You suck.

Wait a second.

You failed, too, Mrs. deguzman.

We all failed.

Wait a minute.

This is the callback
sheet for pippin.

Oh! Here are the grades.


We passed!

We all passed!

Oh, yes!


Get off me!

Nice weapon, officer.

I'd barely laid eyes on him,

and yet I was already
enveloped by the hot flash

of his manly presence.


What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here.

I know. It's forbidden,
like our love.

Wait. You didn't come
here to watch me

do my business, did you?

Hush, don.

I'll answer your
questions, all of them,

but not here. Not now.

Well, then when, Sally?

When the Crescent moon
slices through the clouds

like a saber through the
strings of a bodice.

Help me out. Is that Tuesday?


I beg of you, I must go now.

Everything you need
to know is in here.

Be patient, my love.

The wait is almost over.

"Meet me at rutherford
bluffs tonight."

Ohh, how cute!

Say hello to your wife for me.

Hello, Lucy.

May I say you're looking

absolutely stunning today.

Yeah, I've been working out.
What do you got?

One banana...

And, uh...

A little bowl of pea soup.

Is that everything?

Yes, that'll do it.

Oh, and a, uh...

A pack of crackers.


So it's true!

You hate me!

The cool air embraced the trees

like a desperate lover.

A more perfect night I
couldn't have hoped for.

And then, he appeared
out of nowhere,

breathless in anticipation.

Sally, why do we have to
meet all the way up here?

I'm a cop, not a goat.

His chiseled features

mocked me with their perfection.

Oh, where had I ever
found the strength

to resist him for this long?

Have you got a handkerchief?
I'm sweatin' like a pig.

I can't stand it any longer!

Kiss me, don.

Kiss me like you've always
wanted but never could.

Now, don, now!

Oh, mama!

It's my breath, isn't it?

No, don, it's not that.

All the fire in you
is gone, Sally.

What's the matter? What is it?

Uh, well, it's because, uh...

Dick died.

Dick died?!

No. I'm just tired.

Let's just go.

I can't go, Sally.

You threw my hat
up into the tree,

and if I don't get it
back, I'm out 40 bucks.

Let's go.

I did it!

I did it!

I passed my g.E.D.

You are looking at a high school

equivalency diploma guy.

That's great, Harry.
How'd you pull it off?

By following my man Tommy's
advice to the nines.

Couple of "all of the above,"

not too many "none
of the aboves,"

easy on the cs,
heavy on the ds...

And don't be stingy with the as.

Did you even read the questions?

Not this time, baby.

At least something nice is
happening to one of the solomons.

Yes, it is.

One of the solomons
is in great pain.

Mmm, well, I'm on cloud nine.

The lady in the cafeteria
doesn't like me!

What'd you do?

Nothing! I barely said
2 words to the woman.

Well, dick, I have an idea.

Why don't you try
going to high school?

Everyone hates you. You don't ask why.
Everyone just hates you.

And that's a good thing?

Yeah. It teaches you not
to give a rat's ass.

Lucy, if I didn't know better,

I'd say these flowers
are for you.

Now, uh, before we proceed,

may I offer you, uh,
a stick of gum?

Opera tickets?

A spanking-new umbrella?

I could use an umbrella.


Now, uh...

All I have is, uh...

This soup.


That'll be 1.50.

And a, uh...

A pack of crackers,

which I can't imagine there
could be any charge for,

given our amply
demonstrated cordiality.

Plus a quarter for the crackers.


It's not fair!

Why? What do you
have against me?

Something about you
rubs me the wrong way.

That's it?

Oh, come on!

Hate me for my brilliance.

Hate me for my arrogance.

Hate me for my
catlike dexterity.

But you can't hate
me just because.

Just watch me.

Crackers, 25 cents.



Wow. I never thought
I'd actually graduate.

Me neither.

We've been through
so much together.

10 weeks I'll treasure
for a lifetime.

Hey. You remember that
crazy time I came to class

without a pen?

Oh, man.

Were you out of luck.

Hey! Tommy!

The man with the plan.


A toast to Tommy.

A toast to Tommy.

Hey, you want to join the party?

Oh, this party.

Uh, I can't. I gotta study.

But, hey, you guys can
relate to that, huh?

Do we ever.

Never again.

I've come to think of you boys

as my sons.

My unemployed loser sons.

Go get a job!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm gonna miss you, lady.


Oh, don.

Thanks for coming.

I'm so glad you called.
After last night...

About last night, I
know what went wrong.

You do? Yes. I picked
the wrong book.

I should have gone for
something less gothic,

a little more contemporary.

Romance novels?

What are you reading these for?

I just wanted to put some romance
into our relationship, don.

No kiss could live
up to these books.

I mean, this is real life.

We don't need some
windswept Mountain.

We should be able to
kiss anywhere, anytime.

Right now, for instance.



In the kitchen,
in the afternoon?


With the dirty dishes?

Right on.


Uh, should I stand?

No, I'll sit.

Maybe we should stand.


Ok. All right, then.

Ok, let's do it!

Ok, here goes.


What do you want to do
for the rest of the day?

I don't know.

Kill myself?

Then I asked her why
she didn't like me,

and she didn't have
any reason at all.

Does she need a reason?
'Cause I could help her out.

I was just sayin'.

How can she hate me? I
did nothing to her.

You know, dick, no one's
gonna love you all the time.

But how can I live with that?

I can't even go
in the cafeteria.

So you're just going to let
this woman control your life?

No. Just the lunch part.

My favorite part.

Dick, you can't let her do this.

So she doesn't like you.

Big deal.

If you don't let it bother you,

then she has no power over you.


Power is given.

Control is taken.

Take control!

You know, you're right.

This is about power.

She likes watching me squirm.

If I don't squirm,
she's got nothing.


Oh, Mary, you're so wise.

You know so much about this.

Tons of people must hate you.

Oh, stop.

You're embarrassing me.

Are, uh...

Are these free?

Quarter apiece.

All right, ring me up.

What are you doing?

I'm celebrating my liberation

from caring how you
feel about me.

See, you're not gonna
ruin any more of my days.

I win.

So, please, ring me up.

Because I've got a purse
full of quarters here

and a hankering for crackers.

That should cover it.

If there's any extra...

Buy yourself some crackers.

We've become a real posse...

The three of us.

I don't know how I'm
gonna face the world

without you guys.

I'm scared, man.

No. We can't be.

We have to embrace the future.

But it's so hard.


What's wrong, honey?

I have to do the hardest
thing I've ever done

in my entire life.

I have to tell my boyfriend
it's over, and I don't want to.

But you must.

You will feel better
when it's over, sweetie.

You're right, Mrs. deguzman.

I've got to do it.

Thank you.

Wow. That was really sweet, Mrs.

Nah. I just want her to leave.

She's a bummer.


Ah, women.

I don't get 'em, chance.

Must be easy bein' a horse.

They bring in the lady horse.

No talking.

You both know why she's there.

Of course, people watch you.

You got nothin'
to be ashamed of.

You got the horse...


Sally. What are you doing here?

I had to see you, don.

I haven't been able
to sleep all night.

It's only 7 P.M., Sally.

We have to talk.

I know what's coming,
so make it fast.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I...

I... I hate myself for
feeling this way, but...

But I need more.

More? You don't
know what more is.

No, that's not true, don...

No, I'm gonna do the talkin',

and you're gonna do the
listenin', so just sit down.

What's come over you, don?

You're being so gruff.

I'm afraid.

Now, listen, Sally.

I may not be the perfect man.

I may never make the cover
of pretty boy magazine.

But I'm don Leslie Orville.

And, ok, telling you my
middle name just now

probably really
didn't help my cause.

But if you want to have
a relationship with me,

it can't be when I'm just flashing
my badge or shooting a gun.

It has to be with the whole me,

with the 24-hour me,

with the me I'm always gonna
be whether I like it or not.

Oh, don.

Oh, don what?

Oh, don...



If you're gonna
rip my heart out,

you better reach in now
and pull it out fast,

because in one second, you're gonna
be wearin' my lips for good.