3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 15 - 36! 24! 36! Dick!: Part 2 - full transcript

Dick, Tommy and Harry are on their way to save Sally and the entire world from the Venusian women. They still have the transmitter from Mascha and after a call from the leader they learn where the women will meet. At this rendezvous Mascha tells Harry they should go to San Diego because the Venusians will unleash their weapon at the Super Bowl. The boys have to get to the sold out Super Bowl and remember that Mary and Nina have tickets. Back in Rutherford, Officer Don watches the Super Bowl with Mrs. Dubcek and Judith.

Last time on 3rd
rock from the sun...

Lieutenant's log.

Rutherford, Ohio, is overrun

by a group of gorgeous,
manipulative venusians.

All the men are blinded
by their beauty...

Yes! Yes!

Dick with Gabriella...

You are a silly!

Tommy with Chloe,

and Harry totally
loses it for mascha.

You're my little schmoo-schmoo!

Meanwhile, Mary and Nina get...

Tickets to the super bowl!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!
Eee! Eee! Eee!

And head to San Diego
for the big game.

Just as I stumble
upon the venusians'

diabolical plan of total
world domination,

they kidnap me and
take me to California.


The guys finally catch on

and head west to
try and save me.

Boy, am I screwed.

Let's go!

So, uh, you guys noticed
any sudden influx of, uh,

attractive women
around these parts?

Oh, yeah, a whole
bunch came through.


Tall, exotic, scary?

That's them.

We're hot on the trail, boys!

If you bump into one
named estrovia,

tell her Glen says hi.




This stuff is terrible!

Dick, it's got twigs in it.

Twigs are the meat
of the desert.

Ok, I never thought
I'd say this,

but I miss Sally's cooking.


In all the horrible meals
she ever cooked us,

she never once tried
to feed us wood.

Is that your cell phone?

No, it's not my cell phone.

Is it your cell phone?

We don't have cell phones!
We're from Ohio.

Oh, wait a second.

It's mascha's compact.


Should I answer it?

Uh, no! Tommy, you answer it.

Why me? Because you
look like a girl.

Oh, ok.


Attention, all
members of group 7.

Rendezvous tomorrow morning
at exit 11, route 66.

Sounds good. Over and out.

And put some makeup on.
You look like a boy.

Harry, you're burning the map!

What? Waa!

Out! Out! Out! Get it out!
Get it out!

I'm sorry.

Well, I don't see any
of these women around.

Well, this is exit 11.

Harry, you look around.
I'll get us supplies.

Wait, dick, we don't
have any money.

Watch this. I know how
these trading posts work.

Greetings. We give you

blankets and shiny hubcap.

You give us chili dogs and gas.

Greetings, white eyes.

We take cash or credit card.

Where's the bathroom?

They're not pay
toilets, are they?



Where's the most
expensive jewelry?

Right here.

Hello, mascha.

Harry, what are you doing here?

Don't play me, baby. I've
been waiting for you.

And what have you
done with Sally?

I can't tell you anything.
I wish I could.

Can you give me a hint?

We're doing something,

something big,


in San Diego.

Is that all you can tell me?

Sunday... At a stadium...

In San Diego.

Just one clue, for
old times' sake?

At the super bowl!

Work with me, baby!

Which super bowl?!

I have to go now, Harry.

Why are the cute
ones always so dumb?

Come on, boys!

We're going to San Francisco!

San Diego!

San Diego!

Lieutenant's log.

I don't know how
long I've been here.

I don't know how long
they're gonna keep me.

I don't know what
I know anymore.

On the plus side, my
skin looks great.

So, what are you?

I am a venusian.

What do venusians do?

They seize control and
make it look effortless.

How many venusians does it
take to screw in a light bulb?


They get a man to do it.

Ok, let's see some
bad girl attitude.

Now a frightened waif.

Party girl.

Well, she's getting there.

Not really.

Hello, I'd like 3 tickets
to the super bowl, please.

Good ones. Yeah, 50-yard line.

Sky box.

Sold out? But the game
doesn't start for 8 hours.

Hello? Hello...

Well, what are we gonna do now?

If only we knew someone
who had tickets.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Like Mary.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

This is ridiculous!

The hotel should have
to warn their guests

that people from
the half-time show

are staying here.

He shoots, he scores!

Get killed.

You've done well.

Oh, thank you.

I'm starving.


I'm full!

Morning, fellas.

Come on in.

What have I missed?

A lot. You missed
ESPN 2's preview

of the ESPN super
bowl pregame show.

And the cnbc pregame show,

which is the first preview

of the nbc super bowl
pre-pregame preview.

Grab yourself a
waffle and a beer.

It's only t-minus 6
hours to kickoff.

Oh, my God! What
are you people on?

Will you shut up?!

You want to check out the
continental breakfast?

I hear it's next to the bar.

Let's go.

Find the tickets.

Ah, yes. She's either hidden
them under the carpet

or sewed them into the chair.

Found them.

Where were they? In the drawer.


♪ How

all right, thank you.

Wow! That baby has a big head.

Well, it, uh, runs
in the family.

And the hair?

Yes, I know.

We have a very ugly baby.

Hey, Vivian! Come look
at this baby's head!

Why don't you shove
your little comments...

Oh, is he thirsty? He's thirsty.

Get me out of this thing!

Harry, push! Push!

Look, there they are!

It's Chloe.

And Gabriella.

What should we do?

Let's make out with them.

Shut up!

They're going to the ladies' room.
We gotta follow them.

Tommy, you go first.
You look like a girl.

As soon as we get back,
I'm getting a haircut.

Where'd they go?

Whoa, dick, hold on a second.

Oh, Tommy, not now.

No, no, come here.

Uhh! Ohh! Uhh!



I have to use the bathroom.

Me, too.

Not now!



Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

This is the biggest ladies'
room I've ever seen.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Stop! I hear something.

I don't see anything.

All clear!

Let's go, gentlemen.

Let them go.

That's no way to
treat our guests.

Cappuccino, gentlemen?

Well, what else do
you got back...

Take the cappuccino!

Pantene, Breck!

Get our visitors a refreshment.

Where's my sister Sally?!

Pert! Pert plus, bring
out the new one.


My name is no longer Sally.

I now go by the
name Paul Mitchell.

So, ready to die?

That's it! You tell her, Sally.

I was talking to you.


These aren't super
bowl tickets.\

yes, they are.

These are tickets
to ocean world.

No, they're not.

See that big fish?

It's not a fish, it's a mammal.

Move on out of the way.



Why are you wearing pasta?

I just like it.

Well, get rid of it. It
cheapens up the place.

What is your evil plan, prell?

Are you gonna keep us here
and make us your sex slaves?


Are you sure?

That would be a pretty
good evil plan.

It would be torturous.

Shut up! Our plan is
much better than that.

We are here to take earth's
entire supply of stuff.

From tiny leather backpacks

to sports cars

to faberge eggs.

All those things you
like will be ours.

Impressive, prell,

as is this secret
underground lair of yours.

It's not to my taste, but I can
see where you're going with it.

However, the people of earth are
not as stupid as you think.

Ooh, really?

You were.


For the last 30 years,

we have monitored earth
broadcast signals,

and we know your weakness.

And now we're going to exploit
it with the ultimate weapon.

Is it a ray gun?

Oh, I bet it's a giant magnet.

Does it rhyme with snuclear?

Our weapon is...

The beer commercial.

What? What? What?

It's very simple, gentlemen.

Chloe, darling.

We have noticed that
when you earthmen

are bombarded with images of
hops, barley, breasts, and fun,

you become weak and
susceptible to suggestion.

We have created a
beer commercial

400,000 times more
powerful than ever before,

and we will broadcast this
30-second masterpiece during...

The super bowl?

Yes, and thank you for
ruining my dramatic moment.

Excuse me, but wouldn't it have been
easier to just buy a commercial?

During the super bowl?

Have you any idea how
much that costs?


You call that a hit?

Put some shoulder in it!

I used to play rugby.

I used to be a cheerleader
in high school,

but they threw me off the squad

because I forgot to
wear underwear...


The satellite is in place.

Bring forth the master tape.

Don't do it, Sally!

Master tape inserted.

Oh, remember the
good times, Sally.

Press play and pause
on master tape.

5 seconds to air.




7... 2!



I'm your daddy.

You're my little schmoo-schmoo.

And I'm your bunny man.
Whoo, I'm your bunny!

Come to papa, baby.

That's right. That's it.

Stop the master tape!

Boy, that was embarrassing.

Paul Mitchell,

what have you done?

There's no Paul Mitchell here.

My name is Sally Solomon!

Yes, she's back!

How rude!

Gabriella, teach this
lady some manners.

Oh, sweetie, trust me, you don't
want any of this, all right?

Oh, I want plenty of that.


She's got the kung-fu!


Ok, now I'm mad,

and you won't like
me when I'm mad.



I can't believe you got
your ass kicked by a girl.

Well, you may have succeeded
in ruining our master plan,

but we'll be back.

Meanwhile, you will
be trapped here.

Begin self-destruct sequence.

The control room will
self-destruct in 4 minutes.

Let me guess. We're
in the control room.


Let's go, ladies.

Well, guys, I guess this is it.

I suppose it's appropriate.

We came to this world together,

and now we're gonna
leave it together.

You know what happened?

We stayed on this
planet too long.

Remember the first rule
of intergalactic travel:

Never get attached.

I thought it was
never get a cat.

But you know, looking
back on the last 2 years,

living as a human with
the three of you,

I wouldn't change a thing.

The control room will
self-destruct in 3 minutes.

Well, except this last
thing where we blow up.

Good point. It sucks.
No, thank you.

What fools!

We thought those women
really loved us!

Suckers, all of us.

Harry! Mascha!

I love you.

Suckers, huh?

We gotta stop that ship!

Mascha, let's use these last
precious moments of life...

To make out.

Harry, come on!

The control room will
self-destruct in 2 minutes.

Dick, we gotta go!

No. We can't let them escape!

Mascha, how do you contact
the transport ship?

I don't know. My training
was in seduction

and large appliance repair.

Right, dick. She
fixed the dryer.

Yeah. Look how great
my shirt came out.

You still have to
replace the bearings.

What's that gonna run us?

Shut up! The transport
ship is coming!

Not for long. Stand aside!

Oh! What was I thinking?

Oh, that smarts!

Wait, I've got a wrench.

You could have
mentioned that before.

Well, I didn't think you were
gonna hit it with your hand.

The transport ship is now
careening toward the sun.

That's good, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.


The control room will
self-destruct in one minute.

Let's go!

Run for your lives!

The big women are angry!

Save yourself while
you still can!

Boy, I must be buzzed 'cause
I thought that was dick.

Yeah. Me, too.

Have I ever told you how
attractive I find you?


And I hope you never do.

All is lost!

The transporter's destroyed.

We're stranded.

That's right. Squirt your tears.
You lose.

Ha ha!

Now we're stuck forever on
this truck stop of a planet.

Now, don't cry.
It's a good place.

You'll make friends here.

Believe me, it's not so bad.

Of all the planets in the
galaxy, it's one of the nicest.

How would you know?

Well, it's... Just a hunch.

What will we do here on earth?

We have no skills.

Except for evil manipulation.

And that's not a career.

No one needs us.

Has television
taught you nothing?

You've seen our advertisements.

Women like you are our
unattainable standard.

Every product you use...

Every trend you embrace...

Becomes our obsession.

You are the shapely
and elusive carrot

that our homely old horses
will chase for eternity,

our insecurities spurring us on,

demanding that we
spend, spend, spend!

No one needs you?

Our global economy
depends on you.


So, stay...

Stay where you are needed.

And where you are needed...

We get it! We get it!

Welcome to ocean
world, San Diego,

home of big Wally
and little Wally.

Well, that was pretty good.


As this happy duo amazes you

with their aquatic agility.

Ker-splash! - Ha ha ha!

Nina, you know
what's really sad?


I wanted to drown just now.

Me, too.

You know, I wonder if I
should have gone to Paris

with Chloe and Gabriella.

Yeah, I'm beginning to think
I should have gone, too.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to go put
on some more makeup.

You know, when I
was on the road,

I was offered a job
repairing dryers

for the second largest
laundromat in Tucson.

You were?

But I turned it down.

I couldn't leave you.

Mascha, you gotta take it.

I could never live with
myself if I held you back.

What do you mean?

A girl like you could never
be happy in rutherford.

If you didn't take
it, you'd regret it.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

maybe not ever.

But you'll regret it.

Well, if this is going to
be my last night here,

can we spend it together

staring up at the stars?


Ow! Ooh!

Hello, Mary! How was your trip?

Awful. We didn't even
make it to the Superbowl.

Well, you probably
had a better time

at ocean world, anyway.

How do you know we
went to ocean world?

What else would you do if
your tickets got stolen?

We never mentioned our
tickets were stolen.

Well, whatever happened,
you're probably better off.


The sodas were 4.95.

And the hot dogs...