3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 16 - Pickles and Ice Cream - full transcript

Hi, hi! Hey, all.

Could you guys keep an eye
out for the u.P.S. Guy?

I'm expecting a package.

Why? Where are you going?

My gynecologist.

Your who-li-gyne-what?

My gynecologist. He's
a wonderful doctor.

Good. I could use a new doctor.

He's a women's doctor.
For women only?

Doesn't he realize he
could double his business

if he'd open his
practice to everyone?



Oh, please. I'm not into all that p.
C. Baloney.

I think women should
have their own doctors,

and men shouldn't wait
tables at Hooters.

Oh, now ya done it.

You went and got the hulk mad.

When hulk get mad,
hulk get strong.

Yep. There goes the shirt.

Aah!

Who the hell is that?

Pickles, is that you?

It is! It's pickles!

I missed you so much, boy!

What's going on?

It's pickles!



Harry's pet from back home?

I'm afraid so.

Of course it's pickles!
Watch this.

He falls for it every time.

How could he have
tracked Harry down

across 3 billion galaxies?

They have a pretty
good sense of smell.

But why did he take
on human form?

Yeah. He should be some
kind of lower life

like a duck or a
scallop or something.

He didn't know any better.
He's just a pet.

Hey, you get away from that.

Grrr!

Don't you growl at me.

Wow, he hates you.

Come here, pickles!

Can I keep him, dick?

I don't know. A pet's
a big responsibility.

That's right, Harry.

Oh, come on.

I'll walk him and feed
him and bathe him.

Well, not bathe him.

Well... Ok, then.

You can keep him.

Oh, you hear that, boy?
You can stay!

Oh, good. This'll help
us be less conspicuous.

Grrr!

So, what brings you here today?

I'm the woman.

Ok, then. We can begin.

Just lie back and relax.

Uhh!

I would like to see
another doctor...

One who can keep his
hands to himself.

How about this one?

I've been craving
constantly for dairy.

I can't get enough beets.

Yes! Absolutely! Beets, yes!
Oh, yes!

Hey, you know what I
can't get enough of?

Hockey.

Oh, my God. And my breasts...

Twice the size!

You should see my bra.
It's like 2 circus tents.

Yeah? You should see my bra.

It's black and sort
of see-through,

and this wire's poking out
that keeps pinching me.

It's, like, ow!

I'm pregnant.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey!

I'm pregnant, too!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Nina?

Nina! What is it?

Here are the keys to my rambler.

Take it somewhere and
have my tires rotated.

Uh, that is not in
my job description.

Oh.

What is in your job description?

Mm... Typing.

Well, type it into
your job description

and get it done by lunch.

I'll do that.

You really have a
way with people.

Well, nobody listens to me.

I mean, just this morning,

I asked Sally to
rotate my tires,

but instead, she decided
to go to the gynecologist.

Now, is she wrong,
or am I right?

The great thing about not being
in a relationship with you

is that I don't have to care about
your family's problems anymore.

So, you think I am right.

I'll tell you what I think.

It's unfair of you to order
Sally to do whatever you want

as if you were king
of the universe.

Oh, please!

We look nothing alike.

Hey! Hey! Hey...

Grrr!

Harry! Harry!

Oh, no! Pickles!

What... come on, help me, Tommy!

Hello!

Hey, don.

Hey.

Boys.

Don Orville.

Go on, pickles.

Give him your hand.

Shake... Shake...

Why do they call you "pickles"?

Why do they call

the captain of the
football team "sausage"?

We don't ask questions.

He's just an old family friend.

Just came over for some
breakfast, didn't he, Harry?

That's right.

Strange fella.

Yeah, well... He, uh...

He took a bullet trying
to save Harry's life...

Back in that war... Over there.

Which one?

You know the one.

Oh, yeah.

Wow. That's tough.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's... Good to
meet you, pickles.

Thank you for serving
our country.

Where's Sally?

Oh, uh, Sally went
to the gynecologist.

Oh. Nice work if you can get it.

Uh, let's go for
a walk, pickles.

Walk.

Harry, Harry. Bring
a plastic bag.

You don't want to
get another fine.

Stop it. Drop it. Come on.

- Hey, hey!
- Get your nose outta there!

Whoa! No!

Sally. Hi, don.

I taped that cops for you.

Oh, cool. Thanks.

Copy that. Over.

I gotta get out of here.

Emergency?

I don't know.

I can't understand
a word she says.

Hello, Sally. How was your
trip to the gynecologist?

Oh, it was great.

I met these women, and
they were so nice to me.

Me, dick! They were so
warm and friendly...

And pregnant. Pregnant?

They have their own lingo
and special classes.

They all dress alike and have
this incredibly strong bond.

They sound like a cult.

It's too bad we can't
infiltrate them.

Actually... I already have.

You're not pregnant.

I'm faking it.

Oh... Smart thinking,
lieutenant.

So, what month are you in?

Ooh, I don't know. 18?

You look great.

Now, when labor comes,

it's your job to keep your
partner relaxed, focused,

and most importantly, calm.

You hear that, Sally? You're
supposed to keep me calm.

No, dick, she's not.
That's your job.

Listen to you. You're making
this all about the woman.

It is about the woman.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

This pregnancy thing
is no big mystery.

Man decides to have baby, man
plants seed, man becomes dad.

Cut and dried. Black and white.
Clear as day.

Dick, you just don't
get it, do you?

This is not about men.
It's about women.

And women have this special club...
this pregnancy club...

And once you become a member,

everything about you
becomes fascinating:

What you ate that
day, what's swollen,

how many times you
went to the bathroom.

6.

6?

See? Fascinating!

Don't make it sound
so exclusive.

We men have our
own special club.

It's called a treehouse...
men only...

And in it, we discuss
our enlarged prostates.

So there.

Whoa! What?

Hypothetical question:

If I told you that pickles

had accidentally chewed
up one of Sally's pumps,

you wouldn't send him

back to the home
planet, would you?

Pickles. Hypothetical!

Pickles, you come
here right now!

No, dick! He didn't
mean to do it.

Pickles, you come here right
now and see what you did!

Pickles, come back here!

Let him go. That's an order.

I just remembered. I have
to go to the circus.

Oh, Sally, last night,

I got the best night's
rest in weeks.

Did you get the
full-body pillow?

I did. Ok, who was right?

You were! You were!

Ok, so... Do you like?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Now, don't go and blow all
your money on this nice stuff.

I know, but pregnancy's so chic.

That does look nice.

Really?

Do you think I should get the
leopard print one, or... really?

That's a heck of a lot of money

to fix a pair of
high-heeled shoes.

I know they're big, but...

No, they are not mine!

I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, not at all. Look,
it's my sister's problem.

Why don't you talk to her?

So, don, what brings you around?

Sally's... Problem.

Oh, it's no big deal.

It's just gonna cost me a
lot of money, that's all.

Do you know who's responsible?

Of course. Harry watched
the whole thing happen.

He did?

His best friend did it.

Not pickles! That's the one.

Oh, I knew there was
something about that guy!

Where is he now?

Oh, I don't know.

I confronted him,
and he ran away.

Oh... This is a shocker, dick.

I gotta tell you, it wasn't easy

watching Sally try on some
of those maternity clothes.

What?! Damn it! I warned her!

Nina, cancel my classes!

Why? What's going on?

Sally's become one
of the pregnant.

Oh, my God! Is that true?

I'm afraid so.

How did it happen?

How do you think it happened?

Good morning.

You will not believe

what Dr. Solomon just
told me about his sister.

I don't want to hear about her.

I don't want to hear about him.

I don't have to care about
his lunatic family.

Sally's pregnant. Oh, my God!
Is this true?

Yes, it is.

Is it yours?

No!

Well, it could be.

But it's not.

But it... Could be.

And to think he asked a pregnant
woman to rotate his tires.

That insensitive jerk!

It's so cold.

She must be so scared.

I can't imagine what it's like
to be alone and... Pregnant.

Don...

Go like this.

Oh, any sign of pickles?

No. I thought I saw him,

but it just turned
out to be some guy.

I hope he's not lost...

Cold and shivering
in some dirty alley.

When I was growing
up, you worked.

You're 15... pfft! You work.

Could I have a
beer for my buddy?

You and me are cut
from the same cloth.

You know, not for nothin',

but you could really use a mint.

There you are!

What are you doing here?

I've come to take you home!
Now, wait...

I won't have you
poisoning her mind

with your utero-centric
propaganda!

Aah!

Aah!

I think I'm going into labor!

Oh, all right. Now, calm down.

Can someone here take
Wendy up to obstetrics?

Me! I'll do it! Oh, this'll be great!
Come on!

Sally, you come back here!

That woman can go to
obstetrics by herself!

I'm sure she'll be all right.

- Aah!
- Oh, dick, it's horrible!

Push! Push!

Somebody help me!

When somebody tells you to push,

you don't pull, you push!

Aah! Aah!

I'm coming! I'm coming!

"Lost man. Mostly beige.

Answers to the name of pickles."

Raaoo? Raaoo?

Pickles, is that you?

Pickles! Oh. That's ok, buddy.

Let's go home.

Hey, buddy... Just
got a fresh pitcher.

Pickles?

Pickles, you wanna
ride in the car?

Wanna ride in the car, boy?

Ah, that's a good boy.

Wha... wait! Pickles!

Pickles! Nooo!

My little baby's so precious.

For you, the world
holds so much,

and I'll be right there, yes,

taking your hand,
leading the way

on every step of your journey.

Excuse me. Can I please
bond with my baby?

In a minute.

You're so adorable.

And look at your eyes.

You have big, beautiful
eyes, don't you, Frank?

All right, that's it.

His name is Sam,

and if you don't leave,
I'll call the cops.

I know. Your daddy's
a big meanie.

Gimme the baby.

All right. Fine, fine.

He's got your ears.

Look, he's got your chin.

He's got my forceps marks.

All right, get out.
That's enough.

Oh, Sally...

How can you ever complain
about being the woman?

What you're capable
of is amazing.

I have so much respect for
your power, what you can do.

I never thought I
would say this,

but after seeing
this awesome sight,

it makes me want to be a girl.

Well, dick, you
throw like a girl,

you cry like a girl, and
you're paid like a girl,

so you're not so far off.

Thanks. You know
something, Sally...

I want you to get pregnant.

What?

I want you to have a baby.

Forget it. I don't want to.

I order you to get pregnant.

You can't order me.

This is my body. I picked it out.
Is that understood?

But, lieutenant... look,
pregnancy is a great thing.

It really is.

There's just one problem
with being pregnant...

The baby comes out!

It doesn't just stay in there.
It comes out!

And that part must be painful.

Oh, no, it's not the pain, dick.

I can take the pain.
It's the responsibility.

When I saw that tiny,
scared little thing,

I realized something...

A baby's forever.

I just don't think I can handle
that kind of responsibility.

Hell, I have enough trouble
taking care of Harry.

My little Sally.

Sometimes, I think of
you as a little girl...

And that's why I order you to
do things like get pregnant.

But you know, you're
growing up now,

and, obviously, capable of
making decisions on your own.

I respect that.

You do?

No.

I just don't want to get

into another argument
I can't win.

Wow. You're growing up, too.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Pickles, you're home now.

Surprise! Aah! Aah!

They're friends!

You! I'm surprised you have
the nerve to show your face!

That guy makes me so mad.

Ooh! Shh! Here they come.

I feel better about it, too.

What did you learn?

Well, I always thought that
water was unbreakable.

Surprise!

Is it my birthday?

Everything isn't always
about you, dick.

We came because we
heard about Sally

and we wanted to be
there for her 100%,

unlike some people.

Oh, yeah. Some
people are bastards.

Yeah. We didn't want you to have
to go through it all alone.

Go through what alone?

Sally, can I talk to you
for a moment, in private?

Sally, it isn't easy growing
up without a father

in a town like rutherford.

What's the use of a bat and ball

if there's no one there
to throw a pitch?

What are you doing?

I want to be the
father of your baby.

What baby?

The baby you're having.

I'm not having a baby.

I know you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.

She's not pregnant. She's not?

I was pretending,
but I'm not really.

She's not pregnant.

Oh, great. Then what the
hell are we doing here?

I don't know.

Well, it certainly
wasn't my idea!

Just when you think you're out,

this family pulls
you right back in!

Hey, don.

Yeah, Sally?

I just want you to know

that what you just said
was really touching.

If you ever really do
want to get preg...

Ain't gonna happen.
I'm just saying!

What happened?

He got hit by a car.

Pickles, stop.

Pickles, stop!

Harry...

I'm not going to tell
you what to do, but...

I'm not sure this planet

is the safest place for pickles.

Yes, sir.

Now, you can keep
him if you want,

but I think you should
give it some thought.

Pickles, sit. Pickles, sit.

Look... I don't think that earth

is the right place for you.

I mean, it's just too
dangerous out there,

and I wouldn't be saying that
if I didn't love you... no!

So, I think you should go, ok...

No! Pickles! Go!

Pickles, get outta here!

Pickles, come here!

Pickles, go back to
your pod and go home,

back where you belong. Go now.

Pickles, go home!

It's for the best, Harry.

I know.

Dick, do you think that
someday, when I'm ready,

maybe I can have an earth pet?

Sure, Harry.

Dick, do you think
someday, when I'm ready,

I could have a baby of my own?

Of course, Sally.

Hey, dick, do you think

when he has a pet
and she has a baby,

I could get an
apartment across town?

Absolutely, Tommy.

Make it a 2-bedroom.

I must say,

you are one of the most
interesting men I have ever met.

So attentive and affectionate.

What is it?

Do you wanna go out?

That's a sliding glass door!