3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 14 - 36! 24! 36! Dick!: Part 1 - full transcript

The guys of Rutherford have the time of their life when the town all of the sudden gets swamped with the most beautiful women. And the best part about it is, they actually seem to be interested in the men and in no time Dick, Harry, Tommy and Officer Don have beautiful girlfriends. Except for Harry who gives his girl Mascha lollies, they give their girlfriends terribly expensive gifts they can't afford. Sally doesn't trust what's going on and decides to find out who these women are and what it is they want.

Welcome back to San
Diego, everyone,

the site of super bowl xxxii,

won by the Denver broncos 31-24.

Terrell Davis, the
most valuable...

Run for your lives!

The big women are angry!

Save yourselves while
there's still time!

Security! I need security!

No! I'm trying to warn you!

They're already here!

They're ready to take over!

How did it happen? It
began so innocently.

It was a day like any other.

I can still remember.

I was teaching a
class in physics.

High commander's log,

January 12, earth year 1998.

There are some new students

in my class today.

I usually don't allow students

to join my class mid-semester,

but I made an
exception this time

because they walked
in and sat down.

Kepler's third law states what?

A body in motion tends to...

Stay in motion.

No, no. Bug, I'm looking
for a planetary law.

Yeah, planets, you know,

heavenly bodies?

Kepler's third law. Anybody.

The square of a planet's
period of orbit

is proportional to the cube
of its average distance

from the sun.

Th-th-that... that's
very good, uh...



So, uh, you want to
orbit around my planet?

You know what I mean?

Yes, I do, and...

Yes, I would.

You would?

Are you sure you
know what I mean?



Dr. Solomon?

Gabriella, it was a pleasure
to have you in class.

I don't know much about science,

but you are such a good teacher.

Oh, sure. That's what I do.

Hi. Who's under the dryer?

Fast Eddie's appliance repair.

Make sure you get the guarantee.


So, uh, Eddie,

you want a soda or something?

You know, it might
not be too cold.

I think there's something
wrong with the refrigerator.

You're not Eddie.

No. Eddie gave me the shop.


Because I asked for it.


So, uh...

Would you like a soda?


I like it when men
give me things.

Me, too.

Sometimes the barber
gives me a lollipop.

Did you go to the barber today?


Did you?


High commander's
log, January 14.

For some reason, the men
of rutherford, Ohio,

are in the best spirits
I've ever seen.

As for me,

I'm getting to know
Gabriella better.

Dick, don't you find it
just a little bit odd

that a woman that
gorgeous likes you?

You wouldn't think it was
odd if I were Mick Jagger.

Yeah, but Mick Jagger's not a
small-town college Professor.

Exactly. And yet he
still gets women.

Next time, try thinking
before you open your mouth.

Dick, Sally,

I'd like you to meet Chloe.



I'm extremely beautiful,

and I'm Tommy's new girlfriend.

Wait. Is that true, Tommy?


And yes.

A woman like that is not
supposed to be available

to a high school kid.

That's why we got him a
subscription to playboy.

And now we can cancel it.


So what are you
gonna do about it?

Let's see. Oh, I know.

Enjoy the hell out of it.

As you were, lieutenant.


How are things?

Ah, same old, same old.


Can't complain.

Yes! Yes!

High commander's
log, January 15.

Gabriella has given
me a photo of her.

I'm trying to
determine which angle

will be most visible to Dr.
albright to best mock her

for having broken up with me.

I think that they should
just turn the class

into a seminar.

What's that, you say? Who
is this a picture of?


Well, if you're going
to be so nosy,

I'll tell you.

It just happens to be...

Dr. albright! Dr.
albright, look!

What is it?

Tickets to the super bowl!

Where did these come from?

Frank leggett, class of '94.

Oh, my God.

His team is playing
in the super bowl.


Why would he send
you the tickets?

Oh, uh, Frank was
having a little trouble

maintaining his
academic eligibility.

I just gave him a little
help and guidance.

"Your classes were so easy.

Thank you for letting me coast."

He was a brilliant student.

He spelled easy with a "z."

Oh, who cares?!

I have 2 tickets
to the super bowl!

So, uh, who are you gonna take?


Ohh, um...

Oh, I'm sorry. I've
known Nina longer.


San Diego, here I come!


Videotape for mascha.

Take 8.

Who's your daddy?

You're my little schmoo-schmoo.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, uh, making a
tape for mascha.

In case she needs a Harry fix

in the middle of the night.

That's so sweet.

Sally, look.

Champagne and caviar
for Gabriella.

What's caviar?

Russian fish eggs.

Very expensive.

Yeah, I know.

You and Tommy have spent a
fortune on these women.

Look, $700 for a necklace,
$400 for earrings.

Guys, look what I
bought for Chloe.

How much did that cost?



A month for the next 16 years.

One second. Wait, wait, wait.

Can somebody please
explain to me

why rutherford, Ohio,

is suddenly brimming over
with beautiful women

just dying to date losers?

Well, I'm betting it
has something to do

with El niño.

Hello, don.

Yeah. Hi, Sally.

I said, "hello, don."

Yeah, I heard you.

Can I buy you a coffee?

Wait a second. Wait. What makes
you think you can have me?

Look around. Times have changed.

I'm going to the ladies' room.

Anybody care to join me?

A sucker? This is it?

I'm trying. He's not
responding right.

Well, try harder.


we will not rest until we have
achieved the total world domination.

Excuse me, but what
did you say...


I'm up here. Oh, I'm silly.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

You weren't at the school or...
oh, hello.

Why does your wife
always bother us?

No, I'm not his wife. I'm his
sister, and, uh, right now,

we really need to have a
little brother/sister chat.

Sally, anything you
have to say to me

you can say in front
of Gabriella.

Ok, um...

You know those hemorrhoid
suppositories you always buy...

All right, in the kitchen!
In the kitchen!

I'll be right back, my perfectly
symmetrical little snowflake.



Hurry up! I miss my Gabby.

I think I finally figured
out what's going on.

These women are part of some
strange, organized coven.

Their goal is to
dominate the world.

I heard them, dick.
They're dangerous.

You mean to tell me that sizzling
siberian sex kitten in there

doesn't really love me?


But is only using me in a plot
to dominate the whole world?


Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

She's my girlfriend.


Well, I guess it's up to me
to get to the bottom of this.

And if I have to smash dick's fantasy
and leave him a blubbering idiot,

then all the better.


And that.


And this.

I'm gonna try it on.

Ooh, I'll help.

No, you don't, bad boy.

Why don't you go take a
marketing survey or something?


Would you like to take
a marketing survey?


Excuse me. I can't
seem to find my size.

And that would be?

An 8.

You have 2s and 4s

and a couple of zeros.

Well, I'm sorry, miss, but we don't
really carry the plus sizes.

Since when did 8
become a plus size?

In the clothing business,

we have to cater to the
demands of the buyer.

I've been shopping
here a long time,

and I demand service.

You know, hon, it's really
unattractive when a heavy gal yells.

So, would you buy this product?

In a heartbeat.

How much would you pay
for this product?

Whatever those
pretty ladies say.

So, would you give up
all that you hold dear

and devote your life to
obtaining this product?


What is this product?

I have no idea.

What do you see when
you look at me?

Ooh, I see someone who's sweet,

fun to be with,

maybe a little insecure, but...

I like that about you.

Don't you think I'm beautiful?

Well, sure, you're cute,

even with the mole.

Well, then, don't you
want to give me anything?

Oh, of course I do.

I want to give you the
mountains and the river

and the trees.

Well, I guess I was just hoping
for something more like...

Extremely expensive jewelry.



I was keeping this for
a surprise, but...

I had the barber take
a little off the top.

Just for you.

Sometimes I feel
like such a failure.

Ooh, why?

Harry, I have to
tell you something.

I'm not from around here.

I'm not from around
here, either.

I'm not like other women.

I'm not like other guys.

I can't tell you why.

I can't tell you why, either.

We have so much in common.

We do.

Lieutenant's log.

Yes, I have one, too.

The coffee shop is lousy
with these leggy predators.

I must get to the bottom
of this at any cost.

Prepare for contact

with prell.

Ladies, we have come a
long way from Venus.

I would like to commend you all

on your hard work
and dedication...

In heels, I might add.

Why did you choose
rutherford, Ohio?


Because it is so
delightfully average,

a petri dish of the mundane.

Does the experiment go well?

Every man tested scored
100% on the weakness scale.


Now it's time for us to move west
towards our final destination:

Area 32.

Search the stalls!

Excuse me. I just, uh,
need to wash my hands.

Why were you hiding in there?

I wasn't hiding.

Then why weren't
your feet visible?

This is pretty
embarrassing, but, um...

Sometimes I jam my feet
against the stall door,

you know, for leverage.

I haven't been eating enough
grains lately so it's been waaaa!

You're lying.

Yeah, I'm lying.

It's because I want to join you.

Join us?


You've got split ends.

No. She's tall enough,

she's got the bone structure.

Perhaps we can use her,

that is, if she can
endure our makeover.






Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!



Um, I just need to get
something from my room.

You mind if I go alone?

Not at all. Great.

Ooh, mascha!

Hello, Harry.

I didn't come to see you.

I came to take your sister...


Look, I know how
you like things.

And so, um...

I made you something.

Not real gold, macaroni.

I spray-painted it.

This has absolutely
no market value.

And yet...

I'm touched.

You're either really cheap

or really deep.

I'd like to think
that I am both.

I don't know why, but I want
to give you something, too.

Oh, no, you don't have to.

I have to go now, Harry.


Ok, ladies, let's go!

Wait, wait, wait! Why
are you leaving?

Oh, I'm sorry, dick,

but I've got some
business to take care of.


Sally, you can't go. You
have to make us dinner.

Uh, you have to buy
your own dinner.

Um, here's a grocery list.

It's very important
that you read it

so you know what you have to buy.
Let's move!

Even if you're not hungry, it's
a good read, that grocery list.

I heard you, miss pronunciation.

- The list, dick!
- Read the list!

Well, shall we go
grocery shopping?

No, no. That's Sally's job.

No, I think the most prudent
thing for us to do now

is just to, um, sit here and
wait for the girls to come back.

High commander's
log, January 18.

Like locusts, they came
en masse without warning.

Then, in a cloud of sparkly
powder and perfume...

They were gone.

Hey, guys.

I was just wondering
have any of you...

No, we haven't seen
kirsta around.

Will you give it a rest?

You don't hear me whining
on and on about Gabriella.

Only 24 hours a day.

Mmm, please. It's not
like you lost mascha.

Mascha, mascha, mascha.

Why I ought to...

Hey, hey, hey!

Why don't we stop
kidding ourselves?

We knew it couldn't
last forever.

The thing I most regret

is I didn't take any pictures
of Gabriella and me.

Now no one's going to believe me

when I tell them I
slept with her.

You didn't.

You see, it's started already!

Just as I suspected.
She's a winter.

Oh, I always thought I
looked best in warmer tones.

Oh, you were wrong.

She has combination
skin and a dry t-zone.

We must exfoliate.

Uh, uh, couldn't we
just moisturize me?

Do you want to be
one of us or not?

Yes, yes! Do whatever you want!

I need the fido bent.

2000? 3000.

Now open!

Uhh! Aaah!

Whoa, look, Harry.

It's mascha's compact.

Ooh, let me hold it.

Ooh, I can still feel the heat
from her slender fingers.

Hello? Come in, sassoon.
This is prell.

What was that? She was hot.

Hey, who is that?

Oh, my God!

Do you realize what this is?

It's a multiphase micro transmitter
and rose-pink blush in one!

This planet doesn't
have that technology.

Holy cow! We weren't
just dating leggy babes.

We were dating leggy
babes from beyond.

Oh, my God!

We're aliens ourselves
and they fooled us!

What chance do
regular humans have?

We're such idiots! Sally
tried to warn us.

Where's that shopping list?

Oh, whoa! Wait a second! Wait.

I think I put it in the trash.

Oh, wait. Here it is.

Oh, no!


None of the groceries we
need are on this list.

No, it's just some long, involved message
about Sally infiltrating their group

and heading to California.

Oh. Oh.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

She was asking for our help,

and we weren't there for her.

Oh, who knows what they're
doing to her now.

We were sitting on our duffs

while she's single-handedly
trying to save earth!

Earth. Maybe it isn't the
biggest planet in the galaxy

or the roundest...

But I've come to
think of it as home.

I was gonna retire here,

you know, in Boca.

Poor mascha, in their clutches.

She's one of them, you idiot!

We've got to save earth, and
we've gotta save Sally!

Let's go!


Wait if we run into one of those
cunning, manipulative women?

You're right. Everyone grab
a comb and a dinner jacket.

Let's go!