3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 12 - Dick on a Roll - full transcript

While playing with a wheelchair, Dick falls down the stairs and ends up in a wheelchair for real. Going to school the next day he finds it's very hard to enter the building via the stairs. He starts campaigning for a wheelchair ramp at the entrance, even though Mary's told him there is one at the south side of the building. Meanwhile, Vicki visits and Harry is looking forward to fooling around with her. Unfortunately, she has decided to become celibate.

Yeah. What time are
you open until?

You close at 5 P.M.?

You're a restaurant!

I hate this town.

Greased lightning!

Where'd you get that thing?

I got it from miss
dubcek's garage.

Whoa! My turn! My turn!

Oh, no. I don't think I'll
be getting off any time...

Before right now.

Hey, baby. Vicki's back.


So, Vicki...

Why didn't you keep in touch?

I must have written
you 2 letters.

But I did not receive
those letters.

Ok! Ok! Maybe I did.

But I'm a different
woman now, Harry.

Margaret Thatcher?


Ah. Good.


We need to talk.

Oh. Look, this is wonderful.

How much do you want for it?

And don't do me any favors.

I intend to fork
over a pretty penny.

I couldn't sell this.
It's a keepsake.

Dick, can I get a
turn on that thing?

Ha! You wish.

I have something
important to tell you.

I've decided to become celibate.

Aw, you can tell
Harry all about it

while we're having sex.

No, Harry, please stop.
I've gotta purify myself.

I've decided to become a
licensed massage therapist.

And massage therapy requires a
great level of spirituality.


This beats the hell out
of that cardboard box!

So, are you still on that
crazy celibacy kick?

Oh, Harry. Come on.
You know how it is.

The sex leads to booze,

and the booze leads to drugs,

and the drugs lead to
stealing stuff from my mama.

That wasn't fun at all!

Look, dick! Your
foot's on backwards!


I'll see you first
thing in the morning.

Best way to guarantee that

would be to sleep on top of me.

Oh! Oh!

Can you believe this wheelchair
didn't come with a warning?

Yeah. Something like, uh,

"danger... don't be an idiot

and ride the wheelchair
down stairs"?

That would have been the
spirit of the warning, yes.

Big deal. You broke your foot,

you can't walk for
a couple of weeks.

There's nothing to do
in this town anyway.

Think you're forgetting...

Barber shop got a radio.

That's right. I forgot.

The barber shop got a radio.

Will someone please
shoot me in the eye?

Hey! Give me back my ice!

Excuse me. Anyone.

Excuse me!

You, you, and you!

Do you need some help?

No, I don't need any help!

Don't patronize me!

Now, get me up those stairs!

Come on! Come on!

I haven't got all day!

Up! Up! Up! Up!

Oh! Oh, my...


You brutes!

Out of my way, you
cloddish buffoons!

Dr. Solomon!

Is that you?

We didn't think you
were coming in today.

Nina, move his desk chair.

You will never,

if you live to be
10,000 years old,

suffer the indignity that
I have just suffered!

I pray that you will just so
you'll know how much it sucks!

What are you talking about?

There is absolutely no way

for a person in a wheelchair

to get into this building.

Did you try the ramp?

Is that some kind of wheelchair
move I'm expected to know?

No. It's a wheelchair-accessible
entrance with a ramp.

It's on every building
at Pendleton.

Well, not on this one.

The ramp is on the South side.


Might as well be in Portugal.

'Cause it's so far away?

No, Nina, because Portugal
is an ancient land

of fascinating maritime culture.

Yes, it's so far away!

Dick, hoff hall is a landmark.

It is over 100 years old.

The ramp is on the South side

so it would not ruin the facade.

But that means that I have to pass
by Professor strudwick's office,

and every time I do,
he drags me in,

makes me look at his
pictures of salmon.

Do you know the difference
between a coho and a sockeye?

Well, I do!

Harry, know what?

I believe that I was...

Put on this earth
to help people.

And one day eventually...

I'd like to become a Saint.


Could you pull my pans down?

They're right over there.

Thank you.

Isn't it nice that we
get a chance to visit?


I need some sugar.

Baby, I'll give you some sugar.

It's right over here.

You know, we get
a chance to talk

about each other's
dreams and our interests

without the distraction of sex.

Somebody told me that
was a good thing.

Yeah. Like to kill that person.

Oh, Harry, you know what?

In my massage class,

I've been learning
all about crystals.


Yeah. Look at this.

Now, see, these 2 things

are called trouble stones.
Take them.

And you put them right
on the part of your body

that feels tense.

Ironic that they're blue.

The physics of fluid dynamics

works on a cellular
level as well.

High pressure liquids travel
freely and without effort,

while low pressure liquids
are not so lucky.

Oh, no. No!

They're forced to struggle

through a totally
inconvenient membrane,

all the way around
to the South side

of the damn mitochondria.

Am I the only one who
senses an analogy here?

There's no ramp on my
side of hoff hall,

and I think there should be.

Dr. Solomon?

Ohh, here we go.

Let's hear all the
reasons why I'm wrong,

bullheaded, racist...

Actually, Dr. Solomon,
I agree with you.

You do?

Yes, I think that
people in wheelchairs

should have the same rights
as everybody else...

Oh, thank you, Karen.
You're so right.

They deserve a ramp on the
north side of hoff hall.

The university won't build it

unless you fight for it, Dr.

It's like the time I
went on a hunger strike

to get a French fry
warmer for the cafeteria.

You... you never went
on a hunger strike.

I didn't eat French
fries for a whole week.

You've all inspired me.

I will fight for this
until the bitter end.

I'm with you, man!

All right! Me, too!

I'm less enthusiastic,
but I'll show up.

I have my mandate!

Let's roll!

Let's do it!

Whoa! That looks really cool.

Man! Feel the beat!

I want to go in.

But, wait, wait. If we don't
bring dick his medicine,

his leg's gonna swell up
like a big, puffy yam.

That's ok, 'cause
dick likes yams.

All right. You, in.

You, in.


Uh-uh. Bye-bye.


You're in.

Go home.

Don? What are you doing here?

Just because I'm a cop by day

doesn't mean I can't
sin at night.

Well, how do you sin?

I'm the gatekeeper
of the sin drome.

That's the name of the club.

Oh, so you're a bouncer.

You want in or not?


Hold it, squirt.

What? I'm not dressed
cool enough?

You're 16.

You have to be 21 to get
into the sin drome.

That's sin drome policy.

Ah. So I am dressed cool enough.


Hello. You're in.

Ah. You may come in.

Yesterday, December second,

a day that will live in infamy,

I pulled myself up these steps,

one cement injustice
after another.

But today I pledge to you,

my sisters and brothers,

that until they
build a north ramp

on this side of hoff hall,

I will not rest.

Except for the occasional nap.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Mary, look.

It appears that
the mob loves me.

That's always a good sign.

Hmm. The best.

Dick, why are you doing this?

You'll be better in 3 weeks.

Why do you care so
much about this ramp?

Well, I care because they care.

You're only doing this

because you like it that
people are listening to you.

A second ramp is
unnecessary and stupid.

Dr. albright.

You think helping disabled
people is stupid?


Oh, shut up. That's
not what I meant!

You just can't stand
that everyone here

thinks I'm right
and you're wrong.

Dick, what's right
isn't always popular,

and what's popular
isn't always right.

Yes, but I'm both
right and popular.

Everybody hates you.

You are doing this because
you have a mob of people

eating up your every word.

That's not true.

Am I right?


Here we go.



Hey, wait, wait a minute.

What is this?

"Anatoly chubais"?

That's not my name.

It doesn't matter.

But I don't look
like I'm from Guam.

Yes, you do.

You really do.

I have a cousin from Guam.

You look more guamish
than he does,

and you're not even from there.

Sally, I'm ready.


Look at you.

Did you get all
dressed up for me?

Well, good. You should have.

Actually, we're going to a club.

Yes, yes. You may be all
glittery on the outside,

but I'm all glittery
on the inside.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the north ramp.

Where's the ramp?


There? In front of everything?

Well, it's a ramp
into the building.

Where did you expect it to go?

I don't know.

Why not in the back
with the other ramp?

Since when did you
become an architect?

No, no. All I need now
is the final approval

of Susan billnitzer,
the campus engineer,

and voila... ramp.

I thought you said they didn't
have the money to do this.

Uh, they didn't.

So they decided not to
build the daycare center.

Oh, what are the kids gonna do?

They can play on the ramp.

You know...

Kids love slanty things.

I know I do.

Hi, hi, hi!

Who's ready to go shake
their groove thang?

Mama, please don't talk.

Dick, why don't you let
me give you a massage?

Your muscles are
just gonna atrophy.

Now, I could give you a
nice deep-tissue rolfing

or maybe a light shiatsu?

Oh, no, thanks.
I've already eaten.

Why don't you massage me, Vicki?

Well, now, honey, you
know if you ain't broke,

I can't fix ya.

Ah! No pain, no gain.

I understand completely.

Harry? Harry? Did
you hurt yourself?


You were born in 1968?

I don't want the boys
to be intimidated

by my experience.

Whatever. You're in.

Ok. In.


Hi, don.

Well, Sally.

I'll see you in the v.I.P.

Nah, it's fake.

How do you know?

Well, the laminate is
peeling from the cardboard,

and I used to date your sister.

Come on, Tommy.

I am not Tommy.

My name is anatoly.

I'm from the U.S.
territory of Guam.

Ok. Then where exactly
is Guam located?

The kidney-shaped island of Guam

is located at 13 degrees
north latitude,

144 degrees longitude.

Its official bird is the Toto,

also known as the
fruit darter...

All right! So you know
so much about Guam.

Oh, Mr. chubais.

Mr. chubais.

I saved you a table.

Thank you.

Now, they're guamish.

Well, Dr. Solomon,
these plans are fine.

The ramp is structurally sound.

Rubber stamp. Smart move.

Like I said, personally, I
don't see why you need it.

There is the ramp
on the South side.

South ramp. South ramp.

The hollow refrain of the
ruling class. No, no.

You can't possibly understand
how important this ramp is

to the quality of life
for the university.

Until you've seen the world

from the vantage point
of a wheelchair...

Much as you yourself are...
Now doing.

You know, your request
kind of surprised me,

considering the South
ramp is right there

next to the handicapped parking.

Why would you want to go all
the way around in front?

Well, because it's...


And, uh... I, for one...

Feel that I've...

Made my point.


Dick, is that you?


Hi, dick.

Oh. Hi, Sally.

Why aren't you at the
big ramp dedication?

Everybody's waiting for you.

Oh, Sally, I was so
wrong about this ramp.

And now I need you
to help me come up

with a reason why
it wasn't my fault.

Well, have you thought about
taking responsibility,

or is that just out?

Oh. Every day of my life,

I'm right and people
think I'm wrong.

And now when I'm wrong,

there's no one around
to call me an idiot.

Where are all my critics?

Well, Tommy's at school,

Harry's with Vicki,

but, for what it's worth,
I think you're an idiot.

Oh, thanks. Don't
tell the others,

but you're my favorite.

Let's go.

♪ Smile on your brother

♪ everybody get together

♪ try to love one another

♪ right now

♪ right now

♪ right now

Quiet down.

I would like to start the
ceremony by asking Dr. Solomon

to say a few words about his
achievement here today.

No, no. Uh... Now, there
were a lot of people

working together here.

I... I don't deserve all the
blame for this achievement.

Right, Sally?

It's all you, big guy.

Go ahead, dick.
Break the ground.

No, no, no. Please.

If you want to follow somebody,

look to Susan billnitzer.

She uses the South entrance,

and she's never been happier.

So, everybody listen up
because this is important.

Stop listening to me.

Go on, dick. Let her rip.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on.

Yeah! Come on, Dr. Solomon.

No, you don't need this.

Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!

Stop it! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!

Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!

You ready to go?

Uh, no. I'm not going
to go out tonight.

I'm burned out.

All right. Well, don't
wait up for me.

Why the hell would I?


I'm an adult of legal age,

and I've come to patronize
your establishment.

All right. Go on in.


There's no one in there.

The sin drome is out.

It's out?

Yeah, it used to be
in, but now it's...


You should have seen
it in its heyday.

Well, God knows, I tried to!

How do you hyperextend your
back sitting in a wheelchair?

By stopping a bulldozer
with your bare hands.

You fell out.

I fell out.

I've forgotten how many nooks
and crannies a man has.

I'm gonna go have
an English muffin.

I don't understand.

How can the sin
drome be in one day

and then out the next day?

Ah, people are like sheep.

They're lost unless they
have something to follow.

I know.

I was the one saddled with
the burden of leadership.

Oh, please! You loved it.

I did, didn't I?

I guess I started to
believe my own rhetoric.

I never questioned
what I was doing.

That's the dangerous part.

I became a demagogue.

I was intoxicated by
the crowd's approval

until the cause
became secondary.

Don't you mean the
cause became stupid?

Let's not argue
semantics, all right?

Hey, that feels
good, doesn't it?

Actually, that kinda hurts.

Now that really hurts.

Oh, it hurts so good,
doesn't it, baby?

Hurts like hell.

You want more? Yeah.

Ow! More? Yes.

Ow! More?

Yes. Stop.

I'm so tired of
cleansing myself.

Now I want to get dirty.

Get in there! Aah.

Hey, hey.

You're underage.

I am not.

All right, go on.

A little lower.

There. That's perfect.

How about even lower?

Like, say, under your desk.

Why? I prevented
the administration

from building a ramp
that would have defaced

a historic landmark. I'm a hero.

People came out to
support your cause,

and you hit them with a shovel.

Once again, you just can't stand

that I'm right. It's sad.

Come on, dick.

Let's go try out the west ramp.

You mean the west stairs.


- Where we going?
- Mary. Mary.