3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Great Dickdater - full transcript

Tommy and Harry find a wallet and return it to the owner who doesn't give them a reward for it. After Mrs. Dubcek tells them a trifle is the least he could do, they try to get their reward after all. Meanwhile, Dick feels ready to start dating again and after some advice from Sally he and Officer Don go on a double date. Sally also has a date and wonders how much a man will bear before having had enough of her.

Nice! Nice! Nice!

I'm not going to
lie to you fellas.

Don likes the ladies.

In addition to liking 'em,

do you ever get the
courage to talk to one?

Not really.

Fortunately, the
good lord created

a nice little icebreaker
called jaywalking tickets.

You know, I just realized

something about these ladies.

Not one of them
is Mary albright,

and yet I'm incredibly
turned on by them.

Oh. Well, good for you, dick.

I don't know whether
to kiss them

or get on my knees
and bark like a dog.

Well, as a police officer,

I must tell you that each
approach has its strengths.

Nice! Nice! Nice!



I dropped my wallet.

You don't have a wallet.

Hey! I found a wallet.

Ooh! And it's got
200 bucks in it.

Ooh, it's your lucky day.

Well, shouldn't we return it?

Sure. That's... kind of what I was...

Nice! Nice!

Woof woof woof!

Woof woof woof woof woof!

Mary! Nina! Hey, Mary!

Good morning, Dr. Solomon.

Oh! The most amazing
thing happened to me.

I told you, the supermarket
door opens for everybody.


No! No!

No. I was out with the boys,

and I actually
noticed other women!

The skinny ones had
beautiful cheekbones,

and the more ample ones...

Well, let's just say,

baby got back!

That's fascinating.

Oh, did you see any
with big gazongas?


The point is,

up until now, the sight
of a woman other than you

held the same appeal to me
as, say, a plate of eggs.

Nutritious, yes, but
ultimately way too gassy.

Now all that's changed.

It has? Mm-hmm.

I finally feel ready

to go on my first new date.

Women of rutherford,

look out!

Exactly what I was thinking.

Sally, you should have seen
the look on this guy's face

when we returned his wallet.

It was the most satisfying
experience of my life.

What kind of reward did you get?


Yeah. You know, a little something
to show his appreciation.

We got nothing.

He unappreciated us.

That tool!


Ok, dick, I recommend you start
with the self-help section.

Now, the women there are
nutty, but vulnerable.

Enough said.


Let's savor these last moments

before I meet my new girlfriend,

because when I do,

I'm not going to show
any interest in you

or the rest of the
family ever again.

That saddens me.

Hello, I've...

Had sex before. I
know how to do it.

She obviously doesn't
speak a word of English.

Hi. I'm dick Solomon.

I'm tight with the money,

but never with the lovin'.

It's cold outside.

Dick, I think you need to be a
little more casual, ok? Um...




Want to get some coffee?


See? It's easy.

You got to be doing
something wrong,

'cause I can practically grunt
and they're interested.


Yeah. Here, watch.


Want to get a cup of coffee?



Can someone please explain
why I struck out last night

when all Sally had
to do was grunt?

I don't know, dick.

Could be the boobs.

They are terrific.

You're so lucky to be the woman.

Oh, hey, men are
weird, you know.

You don't have to be
nice to them at all,

and they're practically
groveling at your feet.

Hello, Sally.

Watch this.

Hey, don, that's a
terrible haircut.

Uh-huh. You want to go with
me to the policemen's ball?

See? I'm just kidding.

I see. You want to go with
me to the policemen's ball?


Look, if you'll just
walk in with me,

I'll buy your ticket,

and I'll give you
25 bucks in cash.


Hee hee.

I'd buy a ticket,

but "Mr. genuine cowhide"
didn't give me no reward.

We got stiffed.

How about you, dick?

Will there be ladies?

How does a roomful of
drunken meter maids sound?

Very promising.

Hee hee. Yeah.

I've been watching you.

For a larger woman, you
hardly sweat at all.

Hey, jackass, want to dance?


She looks nice.

Hello. Would you like to...


Ok, men, this is what
you've been waiting for.

It's a lineup.

This next one is ladies' choice.

Come on, ladies,

choose your partners.

Dick, have I told you that I've been
in therapy for the past 5 years?

No. Is it helping?

Not right now it isn't.

Well, don, at least
we have each other.



Oh, yes!

Not you.

Later, dick!



You're on my coat.


Well, uh, you could put
an ad in the personals.

You just describe yourself and the
kind of woman you want to meet.

Ok. Here, uh,

take this down.

Uh, desperate,
lonely white guy...

Seeks acclaimed beauty queen.

Runners-up need not apply.

You take the runners-up...

Just no "miss congeniality."


How about this?

"If you believe in miracles,

"love at first sight,
and breakfast in bed,

contact me for
adventures in truth."

What a wonderful line!
That's brilliant!

Yeah? What's up?

It's us.

The guys who returned
your wallet.

Right. What can I do for you?

Well, uh, we were just wondering

how you and your
wallet were doing.


So then it's, uh, working out?

Having your wallet back and all?


And, uh, tell me,

when you did get
your wallet back,

did you feel a huge sense of...


Maybe even, oh, I don't know,

say, gratitude?

I sure did. Thanks, guys.

Oh, there goes my phone.
I gotta go. Bye.

I didn't hear his phone ringing.

That guy is good.

Oh, good news, dick.

Your ad is getting responses.

Ooh. How... how many?

5, but 3 of them were hangups.

Ok. Um, "successful,
self-made businesswoman.

Enjoys classical music,
long walks, and the arts."

Oh, I love the arts!

"Passions include
karate and revenge."


No. That's a red flag.

Ok, the second one is, "your
words opened my heart.

"If you want to hear more,

"meet me at Johnny
foam's tonight at 8:00.

"I'll be wearing a white carnation.
You wear one, too.

Must have job."

I have a job! Oh!

This is incredible!

What a spectacular story this
will make for our grandchildren!

Would you like some coffee?

That's sweet of you to offer,
but I already have a date.

Hello, Mary.

Oh, hello, dick.

I'd ask you to sit down...

But I'm meeting someone.

So am I.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!


Mary, what are you doing
answering a personal ad?

Don't you know that only twisted
weirdoes place those things?

Well, I do now!


Here's the deal:

We speak of this...

To no one!

I don't even want to
speak of this to you!

Ohhh! Ughhh!

Uh, miss,

do you still want to have
that cup of coffee with me?

I'm the waitress.

I know.


What's with the nerd kit?

Well, since I'm destined to
be alone the rest of my life,

I... I thought I needed
something to keep me busy,

so I stopped by the hobby shop.

Ohh! Choo-choos!

Hands off!

You can only play with them

when you've completely
lost the ability

to attract the opposite sex.

I'm going to go see a movie.




Oh. Yeah, you can come over.

I don't know if I'll be here.

That should be interesting.

Who's Paul?

Some bozo I met at the
policemen's ball.

He's coming over tomorrow.

Well, if you don't like him,

why are you letting
him come over?


I want to see if
there's any limit

to the abuse a man will
take on this planet

before he finally tells
me to go to hell.

Ah, that's different. I thought
you were just being mean.

Not this time.

Hey, Rick, um...

Did you by any chance see a
wallet anywhere around here?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, thank you!

And now what better way to
express my thanks than, uh,

with an always-welcome
cash reward.


Once again, I'm a
little disappointed.

Hello, Sally.

I thought you were
supposed to be on duty.

I am, but dick asked
me to pick up

some little plastic men
at the hobby shop.

He said it was urgent.

Oh, don, I'm so
worried about him.

No two ways about it.

He needs a chick, Sally,

and fast.

Could you fix him up, don?

Well, I don't know
anyone, but...

Maybe bibi does.

Bibi, don?

Bibi, baby.

I... Met her at the
policemen's ball.

I got the stuff, dick.
What's the emergency?

What's the emergency?!

I've got a commuter
line due at 6:13

and no one's there
to board the train!

Oh, no! The erie-lackawanna's
right on time!

Here, don, hand me
those commuters!


Ok, junior, you hold
the vicar's hand now.

Porter! Porter!

Oh, good. We made it.

Uh... Dick,

why don't we take
a little breather

and get a couple of drinks?

Oh. When?

I got to glue the orange
roof on my Howard Johnson's.

Yeah, I understand,
but, you know,

maybe things will
slow down a bit.

Oh. Not likely.

All aboard!

Next stop, white plains!

Choo choo choo choo.

Dr. Solomon, this
arrived in the mail.

Oh, good.

My hospital's here.

Your tiny little doctors
will be so relieved.

Hmm. I guess.

Dick, what's bothering you?

Well, nobody likes me.

Oh, I find that hard to believe.

You do?

Well, sure.

Oh, ok, so we broke up,

but... but I saw
something in you once.

Surely someone else
will see that, too.


That means a lot,

coming from someone who's
pretty great herself.

Well, I meant it.

I meant it, too.

Thank you.

You want to do it?


I understand completely.

Have a good time, Sally.

I hope she likes you.

Thanks. I hope he tells
you to piss off.

I've got my fingers crossed.


Yeah, I'm up here, genius.

Throw those over
there, would you?


I hope you're hungry,
'cause I made dinner.

Oh, you didn't have to.

Well, actually,

you should taste it first
before you say anything.

Bring it out. I'm starving.

Ok. Actually, I was hoping you'd scrub
the stains out of my carpet first.

Ok, and then dinner?

And then laundry.

Oh. Sounds like a plan.

So... so... so...

I'm reading the Miranda
rights to this girl

whose name actually turns out to be...

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!


Anything funny like that

ever happen to you, dick?


Wouldn't you know it?
We're out of jicama.

We need to get some jicama.

Come on, dick, let's
get some jicama.

Jicama. Let's get some jicama.

Which one is jicama?

I don't know!

What are you doing?

I'm throwing you slow balls,

and you're... you're doing
your rain man impression.

I just don't know
what to say to women.

All right.

Um, if you get in trouble,

you just take a sip of your drink.
A sip of your drink.

I'll notice, and old Donnie
will come to the rescue.



So, uh, dick,

Celia tells me that
she finds physics

to be a fascinating subject.

Oh, yes!

Feta! Oh, we're out of feta!

We need to get some feta.

Let's get some feta.

Which one is feta?

I don't know!

What are you doing?

Look, you hung me
out to dry there.

Hung you out to dry? You're
a physics Professor.

I just get so nervous!

You're nervous?

I got pit stains the
size of dinner plates!

Look, I'm just starting out
here with bibi, you know?

You got to help me out, ok?

All right, I'll try. All right.

So, dick, um...

Do you have any...



Hobbies? No, no...

As a matter of fact, I do!


Come on!

There he is.

Here's the plan.

You take a bite of biscotti
and act like you're choking,

and when he comes over to give
you the heimlich maneuver,

I'll pick his pocket.

And this time, we don't give
it back till we get a reward.

Just, uh, wait for me to
get over to the counter.

Miss, you don't...

No, you don't...

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

Just sitting here while
this man was choking!

I was choking!

What have I got to do to get
you two guys off my back?

Well, how about coughing
up a reward, tightwad?

All right, fine.

Here. Thank you so much
for your thoughtful deed.

Please. Please have $20.


Thank you, but we
can't accept this.

Yeah. Goodness is
its own reward.


That was a classy move
there, not taking the money.

Yeah. Most guys would
have taken the money.

Well, most guys
don't have class.

I feel warm inside.

Nice! Nice!

Sally, you put the chicken in
the oven, like, a minute ago.

I don't think it's done.

You mean you're not
going to eat it?

Yes, of course.


Ok, well, good, 'cause I
have a surprise for you.

Yeah. You remember when I said

that I have a chest of drawers
filled with lingerie?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I was wondering

if you would mind lifting it up

and hauling it to the other
side of the house...

And back.

Right now.


No problem.

Ha ha ha... oh, gosh.

My God, I'm so
hot, I killed him.

Lately, I've been
spending a lot of time

fooling around with models...


Don thinks I shouldn't
talk about it.

He thinks models are dumb.

But, actually, most of them
are very exciting and fun.

Why is it the fantasy of
every loser to date models?

Date? What are you
talking about?

Well, what are you
talking about?

Model trains.

Oh, my go... I'm so...

I... I... I... I thought
you meant models.

You know. Women.

Oh, models!

Tall, leggy models!

No! No! Ha ha ha ha!

No, I was talking about...
ha ha ha ha!

Dick with beautiful models.
That's a funny one.

Yeah. If I was hanging
around with models,

why would I be here tonight?

Oh, I... I am so sorry.

That came out all wrong.

You see, that's exactly
why I'm such a loser!

I'm not suave

with all the slick lines and
the right things to say.

I'm lucky to be
here with anybody,

especially with women as
nice as the two of you.

Oh, you're not that bad.

No, really, I... I'm sorry.

I have ruined your
whole evening.

I've just come out of a
relationship with a woman

that I gave my
heart and soul to,

and I-I-I-I'm just not
very good at this.

I'm sorry.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

Oh, no, you're doing just fine.

I am?

He is?


You know, I'm not suave.

Oh, don.

I'm not. I'm kind of a loser.

No, you're not.

I'm... Too shy and
sensitive and...

I got this terrible rash.

Pickled beets!


That Celia woman
called for you again.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

I've discovered the most
powerful aphrodisiac there is.

What, self-confidence?

No. Self-loathing.

Well, I thought it was 2 tickets
to an Eddie money concert

and a bottle of Jagermeister.

No. No. As I see it,

women don't want a
finished product.

They crave a fixer-upper.

That is so weird. You know,

women don't want men
who are perfect,

but all men want a woman who is.

Well, Paul found a perfect woman
and it almost killed him.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

You know, he called
from the hospital.


What a nice guy.

As far as I'm concerned,

my perfect woman isn't
perfect at all.

She could be shortish,

slightly neurotic,

perhaps a bit bitter,

someone like...

Oh, I don't know...

Mary albright.

Oh, God!

It's just an example.


It was broken when I got here.