3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 10 - Tom, Dick and Mary - full transcript
Dick thinks Harry watches too much TV and forbids him to watch TV for a whole week. The result is that Harry actually starts thinking, which shows a never before seen part of his personality. Sally finds a job as an assistant to a guy named Webber and it's obvious it's not her typing skills he admires but her appearance. After a quarrel with August, Tommy says he'd like to meet a woman of his own age for a change. When he's visiting Mary it turns out there's some sort of mutual attraction between them. Dick is devastated about this and tries to get Tommy away from Mary.
COME ON. BIG MONEY. BIG MONEY!
HARRY, WHERE WERE YOU?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
PICK ME UP FROM WORK.
YES, I WAS. FREE
SPIN! FREE SPIN!
I HAD TO WALK.
I'M SOAKING WET! LOOK AT ME!
DICK, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SALLY?
OH, I'M LOOKING
FOR AN OFFICE JOB.
I BOUGHT A NEW SUIT, AND
I NEED A PLACE TO WEAR IT.
♪ FORTUNE ♪
♪ YOU'RE MY WHEEL OF FORTUNE ♪
♪ THE APPEAL OF FORTUNE ♪
♪ IS SUBLIME ♪
UM, TOMMY, I'M MEETING
KEVIN AT THE MALL.
DO YOU WANT TO COME ALONG?
YEAH!
YEAH. THAT'D BE GREAT!
ME, MY OLD GIRLFRIEND,
HER NEW BOYFRIEND,
CRUISIN' THE FOOD
COURT, HANGIN' OUT,
SPLITTIN' A HOT PRETZEL.
NO.
YOU ARE SO IMMATURE.
OH, REALLY, AUGUST,
AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT AGE, TOMMY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MATURITY.
OH, MATURITY. I SEE.
WELL, TELL ME, AUGUST.
WHO'S THE ONE WHO WANTS
TO HANG OUT AT THE MALL, HMM?!
YOUR SON IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I COMPLETELY AGREE.
HE DOESN'T GET THAT GIRLS
MATURE FASTER, AND THAT WOMEN...
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
I SAID I AGREED. NOW GET OUT!
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON
HANGING OUT WITH TEENAGERS?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I
DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.
THIS WAS THE BODY YOU
ASSIGNED ME. IT'S PATHETIC.
I'M OLDER THAN ANY OF YOU, BUT
IF I WANT TO SEE AN R-RATED MOVIE,
I HAVE TO GO WITH MRS. DUBCEK.
JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO
MEET A WOMAN CLOSER TO MY AGE.
YOU KNOW, SOMEONE
LIKE ANGIE DICKINSON.
WAIT!
THE TV IS OFF.
YEAH, I TURNED IT OFF.
WELL, BUT NOW IT'S OFF.
WE HAVE A MISSION.
WE DIDN'T COME TO THIS
PLANET TO WATCH TELEVISION.
YEAH, BUT IT'S GIVEN
US A REASON TO STAY.
I'M ORDERING YOU TO GO
WITHOUT TELEVISION FOR A WEEK!
NOW, THAT'S FINAL!
A WEEK, NO TV?
WHAT'LL I DO?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY USING
YOUR BRAIN FOR A CHANGE?
WELL, WHAT GOOD
COULD COME FROM IT?
WHAT'S HARRY'S PROBLEM NOW?
DICK'S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DICK?
IT'S MARY.
I HATE YOU! GO FIGURE.
THIS AFTERNOON I TRIED TO
BORROW HER MAGNIFYING GLASS.
YOU KNOW, TO BURN SOME ANTS.
OF COURSE. GO ON.
SO ANYWAY, SHE'S LIKE,
"NO, YOU'LL BREAK IT!"
AND I'M ALL, "I WILL NOT!"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "IT'S
MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
SO WE HAVE THIS HUGE FIGHT.
FINALLY SHE LET ME BORROW IT
WHEN SHE WASN'T LOOKING.
AND LET ME GUESS. YOU BROKE IT.
YES!
A PARTICULARLY LARGE
QUEEN BURST INTO FLAMES,
AND I GOT SCARED AND
DROPPED IT ON THE SIDEWALK.
OH, DICK!
I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER.
A LITTLE TV.
AAH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT?
IT'S TOMMY.
OH, TOMMY, COME ON IN.
HI. UM...
I'M HERE TO RETURN
YOUR MAGNIFYING GLASS.
DICK BROKE THAT, DIDN'T HE?
AND HE COULDN'T BRING IT
OVER HIMSELF, COULD HE?
HE'S SO IMMATURE.
WELL, HE'S NOT NECESSARILY...
YEAH, HE'S PRETTY IMMATURE.
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS
HERE ON THE TABLE.
THANKS.
OH, WOW, THE AZTECS!
YOU STUDYING THEM IN SCHOOL?
NO, BUT I READ ABOUT THEM ON A
PLACEMAT AT THE PANCAKE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE
AZTECS' PROBLEM WAS?
THEY WERE AT THE WRONG APEX
OF THE TECHNOLOGICAL WORLD ARC.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.
OH, IT'S MY OWN THEORY.
YOU SEE, TECHNOLOGY
BEGINS IN CHINA IN 5,000 B.C.
WITH, UM, LITERATURE AND
ARCHITECTURE AND PASTA
AND ALCOHOLIC
BEVERAGES AND FIREWORKS.
OH!
WOULD YOU LIKE AN OREO?
OH, THANK YOU.
OH, PLEASE CONTINUE.
THIS IS FASCINATING.
SO OVER THE CENTURIES THE TECHNO-ARC
MOVES THROUGH THE MIDDLE EAST,
EGYPT, GREECE, ROME,
FLORENCE, EUROPE, THE AMERICAS,
UNTIL IT GETS BACK
TO THE PACIFIC RIM,
BUT IT ALWAYS TRAVELS WEST.
SO YOU'RE SAYING, THE EARTH'S
ROTATION AFFECTS CIVILIZATION.
EXACTLY!
AND EVERY DOMINANT SOCIETY
IS IN SYNC WITH THE ARC.
AND THE AZTECS ARE...
THEY'RE OFF THE
ARC BY 2,000 YEARS,
AND THAT IS WHY THEIR
ADVANCEMENTS ARE NEVER RECOGNIZED.
YOU HAVE A VERY
INTERESTING THEORY.
WELL, FOR A TEENAGER.
NO, FOR ANYBODY.
MOST PEOPLE DISMISS
NON-LITERATE CULTURES.
WELL, WE LIVE IN ONE.
WOULD YOU LIKE A
CUP OF COFFEE, TOMMY?
COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
HMM.
CALL ME TOM.
WOULD YOU LIKE A
CUP OF COFFEE, TOM?
I WOULD LOVE A CUP
OF COFFEE, MARY.
ALL RIGHT.
MISS, UH, SOLOMON?
THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
THERE'S ONLY 4 WORDS
ON THIS TYPING TEST.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD
TYPE 40 WORDS PER MINUTE.
THERE IT IS:
"40 WORDS PER MINUTE."
AND IT ONLY TOOK ME A HALF HOUR.
WHEN WE SAY 40...
OK. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY'RE YOUR RULES, NOT MINE.
HELLO...
"SALLY."
I'M CARL.
HI. YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
CHECK ON YOUR FRIEND OVER THERE.
NO SPEAK-A DE ENGLISH.
I DON'T WORK IN PERSONNEL.
I'M IN DISTRIBUTION,
BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP
YOU GET THROUGH THAT.
OH, YEAH. I'M HAVING SOME
TROUBLE FILLING IT OUT.
YOU'RE, UH, FILLING
IT OUT JUST FINE.
I'M, UH, LOOKING
FOR A NEW ASSISTANT.
OH, GREAT!
AND I ALREADY KNOW YOU
CAN TYPE 40 WORDS PER MINUTE.
HELL, I CAN TYPE 100 WORDS PER
MINUTE, YOU GIVE ME ENOUGH TIME.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
OH, HI, TOM!
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME, TOO!
NO, I WILL NOT LET
YOU BUY ME LUNCH.
I'LL BUY YOU LUNCH.
I INSIST!
OK.
GOOD-BYE, TOM.
NINA, I'LL BE BACK
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
HAVE A NICE LUNCH.
NINA, I NEED TO SEND
SOMETHING OVER TO TOM,
AND I SEEM TO HAVE LOST
TOM'S ADDRESS. WHO IS HE AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW, AND IT'S
NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
AND I'M OBSESSED WITH IT.
I THOUGHT THE 2
OF YOU WERE OVER.
WHY DO ALL MEN THINK ONCE THEY
PLANT THE FLAG THEY OWN THE MOUNTAIN?
I SPENT 2 YEARS
CLIMBING THAT MOUNTAIN,
AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET
ANOTHER MAN YODEL ON IT!
AAH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH. HE'S THINKING.
TOMMY, DO YOU STILL
HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME?
SORRY, AUGUST. I'M
SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
KEVIN AND I HAVE ONLY
BEEN GOING OUT FOR A MONTH,
AND YOU ALREADY
HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND?
OH, THAT'S RICH.
GOOD-BYE.
YOUR SON IS IMPOSSIBLE!
AND YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS.
YOU'RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!
WHERE'S DINNER?
SALLY'S NOT HOME YET.
NYAAH!
HARRY, GO THINK IN ANOTHER ROOM.
AND NO TELEVISION!
DICK, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK YOU.
UM...
ARE YOU STILL
INTERESTED IN MARY?
NO! WHY DOES EVERYBODY
ASK ME THAT, BECAUSE I'M NOT!
NO, SIR. SHE AND I ARE FREE!
GOOD.
OH, YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
YEAH, I'M GLAD.
DAMN RIGHT. SO AM I.
HEY, GUYS!
GOOD NEWS!
WHAT IS IT, LIEUTENANT?
I GOT A JOB.
A REAL JOB! LOOK!
"SALLY SOLOMON,
STERN AND BOWER, INC."
IT'S MY I.D.
I HAVE A PARKING
PASS, MEDICAL, DENTAL,
PENSION, PROFIT SHARING.
I'M THINKING OF
RETIRING IN MEXICO.
WELL, YOUR DOLLAR
GOES FURTHER THERE.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?
IT'S SO MUCH HARDER
THAN I THOUGHT.
I ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEARN
HOW TO RESPECT MY COWORKERS
IF I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS JOB.
"NO OFFENSE, BUT
YOU'RE OFFENDING ME."
WHAT'S THIS?
OH, IT'S A PAMPHLET ABOUT
UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANCE
AND ALL THAT CRAP.
ANYWAY, I READ IT, AND AS
HARD AS THIS IS TO BELIEVE,
SOMETIMES I THINK I MAKE
PEOPLE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
OH, GET OUT.
WHAT'S THIS? "HEARTY MAN'S
MEATLOAF WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S."
OK. THIS IS THE BAD
NEWS, YOU GUYS.
AS A WORKING WOMAN, I CAN
NO LONGER COOK FOR YOU.
FROM NOW ON, YOU HAVE
TO EAT FROZEN DINNERS.
AWW. AWW.
CAN WE START TONIGHT?
SURE. AS SOON AS I
TAKE OFF MY COAT.
HI, GUYS.
I'LL JUST, UH, TAKE THAT.
Harry: NO-O-O-O!
MR. WEBBER, YOU HAVE
A MEETING IN 10 MINUTES.
MMM. SOMEONE SMELLS
LIKE FRESH LEMONS.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
PLEDGE.
I LIKE IT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HARD
TIME CONCENTRATING ON WORK,
IF YOU GO AROUND
SMELLING LIKE THAT.
OH, I'M SORRY I DISTRACTED
YOU. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, SPEAKING OF DISTRACTIONS,
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT
WHAT'S UNDER THAT JACKET.
I MEAN, GIVE ME A
BREAK. I'M ONLY HUMAN.
I'M SORRY.
DOES THAT HELP?
OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
OK. LOOK, MR. WEBBER, I
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I READ THAT BOOKLET
FROM THE HUMAN RESOURCES...
OH, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA!
I WAS JUST KIDDING. HONESTLY.
OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND,
BUT, LOOK, I KNOW I LOOK HOT,
AND IF I HAVE IMPEDED
YOUR PERFORMANCE
OR MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THE WORKPLACE,
I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
MAYBE WE COULD
DO IT OVER DRINKS.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
'CAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN'T
WORK WITH THOSE LEGS AROUND.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
OH, MY GOD.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'M SEXUALLY HARASSING MY BOSS!
[FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR]
HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST VISITING MY
GOOD FRIEND NINA.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT MUSIC?
IT'S JAZZ.
WELL, IT'S GROOVY.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GROOVY?
TELEVISION.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON
TELEVISION RIGHT NOW?
SHOWS.
OH.
SORRY, HARRY. SOMETHING'S
WRONG WITH MY ANTENNA.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL FIX IT.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
I'LL FIX IT.
[FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OH, NINA, I GOT TO
TALK TO SOMEBODY.
WELL, SURE. COME ON IN.
YOU GOT TO HELP ME. I AM
SEXUALLY HARASSING MY BOSS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
NO MATTER WHAT PERFUME
I WEAR, HE SNIFFS ME.
MY LEGS DISTRACT
HIM ALL DAY LONG.
HE CAN'T GET ANY WORK DONE.
SALLY, THIS GUY SOUNDS
LIKE A TOTAL CREEP.
AAH!
GOOD NEWS!
I'VE GOT MR. ED.
NO, WAIT. IT'S A MADONNA VIDEO.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
NINA, I NEED SOME INFORMATION!
DICK, I WAS TALKING TO NINA.
WELL, WAIT YOUR TURN!
NINA, I WANT YOU TO CALL UP MARY
AND FIND OUT IF
SHE'S WITH ANYBODY.
NO! I'D DO IT MYSELF,
BUT SHE'D THINK THAT I
STILL WANTED HER AND I DON'T!
DON'T PULL ME INTO THIS. IT
MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
AHA! YOU'RE HARASSING HER!
I AM NOT!
YOU'RE MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE.
I KNOW WHEN I'M MAKING SOMEONE
UNCOMFORTABLE, AND THIS ISN'T IT.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
EVERYBODY FREEZE.
WE'VE GOT RECEPTION.
I SAID NO TV!
OH! THAT WAS MY ANTENNA!
DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE
IT OUT OF YOUR SALARY.
WHO IS MARY SEEING?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK TOMMY.
HE'S AT MARY'S RIGHT NOW.
WHAT, TOMMY'S AT MARY'S?
THAT DUPLICITOUS OLD FART!
HEY.
WHICH IS OUR NICKNAME FOR HIM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHERE'S MARY?
THE KITCHEN. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE TO SEE HER.
YEAH. LET'S JUST KEEP
THIS OUTSIDE, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M ENJOYING MYSELF.
FOR THE FIRST
TIME ON THIS PLANET,
I'VE MET A WOMAN WHO
APPRECIATES ME FOR WHAT I THINK,
A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T
JUDGE ME BY MY APPEARANCE.
I'M HAPPY, DICK.
SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU.
I'M OLDER THAN YOU!
WELL, YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR HER!
EITHER WAY, IT WON'T WORK!
I MAKE HER LAUGH,
DICK. SHE LIKES IT.
YOU SHUT YOUR FOUL MOUTH!
SHE SAID SHE NEVER
LAUGHED SO HARD WITH YOU.
LISTEN TO ME, GRANDPA.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM THE
WOMAN THAT I DON'T LOVE!
SHE'S NOT YOUR
GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE, PAL.
YOU GAVE ME THE ALL
CLEAR, SO SHOVE OFF!
Mary: TOM!
YEAH, I'M COMING...
MARY.
OOH!
AND IF I CATCH YOU HANGING
AROUND THIS PORCH AGAIN,
I'M CALLING THE COPS.
Dick: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAD THE
GALL TO SAY HE COULD MAKE HER LAUGH.
I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM DO
IT WITH ME IN THE ROOM.
COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE
THIS SOMEWHERE ELSE?
SHE LAUGHED HER
HEAD OFF WITH ME.
I'M BEING HARASSED, OK?
MY PROBLEM IS FAR GREATER
THAN ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR...
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THINKING.
LEARNING.
OBSERVING THE
WORLD OUTSIDE THE TV.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE OBSERVED?
YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT VERY
GOOD AT YOUR JOB.
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
LET'S REVIEW!
WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED
SINCE WE GOT HERE?
WELL, YOU GOT A
RATHOLE APARTMENT,
AND A USED CAR, AND YOU
GOT LUCKY A FEW TIMES.
17!
17.
WELL, THE BIG GIANT HEAD'S
GOT TO HAVE A MERIT
BADGE FOR THAT.
GOT YOU THERE, DICK.
AND YOU!
YOU CALL YOURSELF
A SECURITY OFFICER.
LOOK AT YOU!
SINCE WE GOT HERE, WE'VE BEEN
ROBBED, MUGGED, THREATENED,
AND NOW SOME MENTAL
MIDGET IS MAKING YOU FEEL
ALL UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THE WORKPLACE.
AND ALL YOU CAN
DO ABOUT IT IS YAK,
YAK, YA-A-A-K!
YOU WANT YOUR WOMAN
BACK, YOU GO GET HER!
YOUR BOSS IS A MORON,
PUT YOUR FOOT IN HIS BUTT!
WE'RE AN INTERSTELLAR SQUAD OF
SUPERIOR BEINGS, FOR GOD'S SAKES!
NOW, QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'
AND GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!
WELL, GOOD MORNING, SWEETNESS.
LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE.
YOUR CONDUCT IS AFFECTING
MY WORK PERFORMANCE
AND/OR CREATING AN INTIMIDATING
ENVIRONMENT IN MY WORKPLACE.
YOU KNOW, SALLY.
IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?
OH, WOW!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HARRY WAS RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PLANT A PATENT
LEATHER PUMP RIGHT IN YOUR ASS.
I'M AFRAID THE, UH, COMPANY
HAS DECIDED TO TERMINATE YOU.
YOU'RE HAVING ME KILLED?
NO. NO, NO. WE'RE FIRING YOU.
OH, GOOD.
WHY?
THE INCIDENT WITH MR. WEBBER.
OH. OK, UH, VERONICA.
UM, I'M GLAD YOU
BROUGHT THAT UP.
YOU SEE, MR. WEBBER HAS BEEN
MAKING ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE
FILED A COMPLAINT WITH US.
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
YES, I KNOW,
BUT YOU SHOULD'VE COME IN
BEFORE YOU BROKE HIS KNEECAP.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE
A LEG TO STAND ON.
BUT NEITHER DOES HE.
[RING]
HELLO. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M HERE TO SEE MARY.
I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T COME IN.
IT'S ME! WHO IS IT?
OH, TOM!
COME IN!
WE'RE HAVING COFFEE.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP?
UH, NO, HE WOULDN'T.
YES, PLEASE!
OH. I'LL GO PUT ON SOME MORE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I BROUGHT MARY A
NEW MAGNIFYING GLASS.
I COULDN'T BEAR HER
BEING WITHOUT ONE.
THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING
TO, YOU PATHETIC HEAP.
YOU'RE ONLY HERE
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND TO SEE
MARY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
LIKE YOU COULD THREATEN
ME. IT'S LAUGHABLE.
HA HA HA!
YOU SEE. NOW YOU'RE
MAKING ME LAUGH AT YOU!
IF YOU HURT HER,
I SWEAR TO GOD, I
WILL BREAK YOUR NECK.
YOU WILL NOT THREATEN
ME. IS THAT CLEAR, SOLDIER?
OH. OK. THEN, UH,
PERMISSION TO DO THIS.
UGH!
AAH!
SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?
DOES... THAT... FEEL... GOOD?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ROUGHHOUSING?
TOMMY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MY DADDY HURT ME.
DICK, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
OH, MARY, IF YOU ONLY UNDERSTOOD
WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND!
GET OUT!
BUT HE STARTED IT!
GET OUT AND GET HELP!
ALL RIGHT.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL
BE GOOD TO HER.
OH.
OH, WELL. I SUPPOSE I
CAN GET ANOTHER ONE
THE NEXT TIME I'M IN
SOUTHWESTERN TANGANYIKA.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
COME HERE TONIGHT.
YOU'RE WELCOME HERE ANYTIME.
MARY, SIT DOWN.
WHAT IS IT, TOM?
LISTEN.
YOU'RE REALLY SWEET,
BUT IT'S JUST NOT
GOING TO WORK OUT,
AND BESIDES, I
THINK WE BOTH KNOW
THERE'S STILL A GUY OUT
THERE WHO'S STUCK ON YOU.
I HAVE NO IDEA...
SHH!
DON'T SPEAK.
JUST LET ME REMEMBER
THE WAY YOU LOOK
RIGHT NOW.
IT'S OK, DICK.
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
YOU'RE NOT GIVING
HER TO ME. I TOOK HER.
WELL, WHATEVER GETS
YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT.
Harry: AH!
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE
BEEN THINKING AGAIN.
OH, MY GOD. AW! SHUT UP!
YOU KNOW, DICK, I DON'T
THINK YOU HAVE A CLUE
ABOUT EARTH WOMEN.
MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T THINK
YOU'D BE TOO GOOD WITH
WOMEN FROM ANY PLANET.
SPEAKING OF WOMEN,
I THINK YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT
REALLY BROTHER AND SISTER.
IT'S ALL MADE UP.
WHAT SAY WE HAVE A GO AT IT?
YOU, ME, AND A STICK OF
BUTTER. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
LOOK, HARRY, HOME SHOPPING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SEEN IT, SEEN IT.
BOUGHT IT, BOUGHT IT.
WANT IT. NEED IT. OOH!
OH, I LIKE THAT.
AHH. AHH. AHH.
PEACE.
YOU KNOW, DICK, YOU'RE JUST LIKE
THAT GUY I WORKED FOR.
IT'S ALL ABOUT
POSSESSION AND CONTROL.
YOU THINK YOU OWN MARY.
OH, NO, I KNOW NOW
THAT I NEVER OWNED MARY,
BUT I DID TEST DRIVE
THE HELL OUT OF HER.
YEAH, YEAH, WE KNOW. 17 TIMES.
[JEOPARDY! THEME PLAYS]
♪ THINKING, THINKING ♪
♪ THINKING HARD ♪
♪ I KNOW WHAT THE
ANSWER IS, I GOT IT ♪
♪ NO, THAT CAN'T
BE, I'M SO WRONG ♪
♪ I GUESSED MAO,
BUT IT'S B.D. WONG ♪
♪ THINKING, THINKING ♪
♪ THINKING HARD ♪
♪ WHAT'S THE USE? ♪
♪ I'VE BURNED TOO
MANY BRAIN CELLS ♪
♪ MAYBE I'LL JUST FANTASIZE ♪
♪ LOOK AT ALEX
AND CLOSE MY EYES ♪
HARRY, WHERE WERE YOU?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
PICK ME UP FROM WORK.
YES, I WAS. FREE
SPIN! FREE SPIN!
I HAD TO WALK.
I'M SOAKING WET! LOOK AT ME!
DICK, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SALLY?
OH, I'M LOOKING
FOR AN OFFICE JOB.
I BOUGHT A NEW SUIT, AND
I NEED A PLACE TO WEAR IT.
♪ FORTUNE ♪
♪ YOU'RE MY WHEEL OF FORTUNE ♪
♪ THE APPEAL OF FORTUNE ♪
♪ IS SUBLIME ♪
UM, TOMMY, I'M MEETING
KEVIN AT THE MALL.
DO YOU WANT TO COME ALONG?
YEAH!
YEAH. THAT'D BE GREAT!
ME, MY OLD GIRLFRIEND,
HER NEW BOYFRIEND,
CRUISIN' THE FOOD
COURT, HANGIN' OUT,
SPLITTIN' A HOT PRETZEL.
NO.
YOU ARE SO IMMATURE.
OH, REALLY, AUGUST,
AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT AGE, TOMMY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MATURITY.
OH, MATURITY. I SEE.
WELL, TELL ME, AUGUST.
WHO'S THE ONE WHO WANTS
TO HANG OUT AT THE MALL, HMM?!
YOUR SON IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I COMPLETELY AGREE.
HE DOESN'T GET THAT GIRLS
MATURE FASTER, AND THAT WOMEN...
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
I SAID I AGREED. NOW GET OUT!
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON
HANGING OUT WITH TEENAGERS?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I
DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.
THIS WAS THE BODY YOU
ASSIGNED ME. IT'S PATHETIC.
I'M OLDER THAN ANY OF YOU, BUT
IF I WANT TO SEE AN R-RATED MOVIE,
I HAVE TO GO WITH MRS. DUBCEK.
JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO
MEET A WOMAN CLOSER TO MY AGE.
YOU KNOW, SOMEONE
LIKE ANGIE DICKINSON.
WAIT!
THE TV IS OFF.
YEAH, I TURNED IT OFF.
WELL, BUT NOW IT'S OFF.
WE HAVE A MISSION.
WE DIDN'T COME TO THIS
PLANET TO WATCH TELEVISION.
YEAH, BUT IT'S GIVEN
US A REASON TO STAY.
I'M ORDERING YOU TO GO
WITHOUT TELEVISION FOR A WEEK!
NOW, THAT'S FINAL!
A WEEK, NO TV?
WHAT'LL I DO?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY USING
YOUR BRAIN FOR A CHANGE?
WELL, WHAT GOOD
COULD COME FROM IT?
WHAT'S HARRY'S PROBLEM NOW?
DICK'S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DICK?
IT'S MARY.
I HATE YOU! GO FIGURE.
THIS AFTERNOON I TRIED TO
BORROW HER MAGNIFYING GLASS.
YOU KNOW, TO BURN SOME ANTS.
OF COURSE. GO ON.
SO ANYWAY, SHE'S LIKE,
"NO, YOU'LL BREAK IT!"
AND I'M ALL, "I WILL NOT!"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "IT'S
MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
SO WE HAVE THIS HUGE FIGHT.
FINALLY SHE LET ME BORROW IT
WHEN SHE WASN'T LOOKING.
AND LET ME GUESS. YOU BROKE IT.
YES!
A PARTICULARLY LARGE
QUEEN BURST INTO FLAMES,
AND I GOT SCARED AND
DROPPED IT ON THE SIDEWALK.
OH, DICK!
I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER.
A LITTLE TV.
AAH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT?
IT'S TOMMY.
OH, TOMMY, COME ON IN.
HI. UM...
I'M HERE TO RETURN
YOUR MAGNIFYING GLASS.
DICK BROKE THAT, DIDN'T HE?
AND HE COULDN'T BRING IT
OVER HIMSELF, COULD HE?
HE'S SO IMMATURE.
WELL, HE'S NOT NECESSARILY...
YEAH, HE'S PRETTY IMMATURE.
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS
HERE ON THE TABLE.
THANKS.
OH, WOW, THE AZTECS!
YOU STUDYING THEM IN SCHOOL?
NO, BUT I READ ABOUT THEM ON A
PLACEMAT AT THE PANCAKE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE
AZTECS' PROBLEM WAS?
THEY WERE AT THE WRONG APEX
OF THE TECHNOLOGICAL WORLD ARC.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.
OH, IT'S MY OWN THEORY.
YOU SEE, TECHNOLOGY
BEGINS IN CHINA IN 5,000 B.C.
WITH, UM, LITERATURE AND
ARCHITECTURE AND PASTA
AND ALCOHOLIC
BEVERAGES AND FIREWORKS.
OH!
WOULD YOU LIKE AN OREO?
OH, THANK YOU.
OH, PLEASE CONTINUE.
THIS IS FASCINATING.
SO OVER THE CENTURIES THE TECHNO-ARC
MOVES THROUGH THE MIDDLE EAST,
EGYPT, GREECE, ROME,
FLORENCE, EUROPE, THE AMERICAS,
UNTIL IT GETS BACK
TO THE PACIFIC RIM,
BUT IT ALWAYS TRAVELS WEST.
SO YOU'RE SAYING, THE EARTH'S
ROTATION AFFECTS CIVILIZATION.
EXACTLY!
AND EVERY DOMINANT SOCIETY
IS IN SYNC WITH THE ARC.
AND THE AZTECS ARE...
THEY'RE OFF THE
ARC BY 2,000 YEARS,
AND THAT IS WHY THEIR
ADVANCEMENTS ARE NEVER RECOGNIZED.
YOU HAVE A VERY
INTERESTING THEORY.
WELL, FOR A TEENAGER.
NO, FOR ANYBODY.
MOST PEOPLE DISMISS
NON-LITERATE CULTURES.
WELL, WE LIVE IN ONE.
WOULD YOU LIKE A
CUP OF COFFEE, TOMMY?
COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
HMM.
CALL ME TOM.
WOULD YOU LIKE A
CUP OF COFFEE, TOM?
I WOULD LOVE A CUP
OF COFFEE, MARY.
ALL RIGHT.
MISS, UH, SOLOMON?
THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
THERE'S ONLY 4 WORDS
ON THIS TYPING TEST.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD
TYPE 40 WORDS PER MINUTE.
THERE IT IS:
"40 WORDS PER MINUTE."
AND IT ONLY TOOK ME A HALF HOUR.
WHEN WE SAY 40...
OK. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY'RE YOUR RULES, NOT MINE.
HELLO...
"SALLY."
I'M CARL.
HI. YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
CHECK ON YOUR FRIEND OVER THERE.
NO SPEAK-A DE ENGLISH.
I DON'T WORK IN PERSONNEL.
I'M IN DISTRIBUTION,
BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP
YOU GET THROUGH THAT.
OH, YEAH. I'M HAVING SOME
TROUBLE FILLING IT OUT.
YOU'RE, UH, FILLING
IT OUT JUST FINE.
I'M, UH, LOOKING
FOR A NEW ASSISTANT.
OH, GREAT!
AND I ALREADY KNOW YOU
CAN TYPE 40 WORDS PER MINUTE.
HELL, I CAN TYPE 100 WORDS PER
MINUTE, YOU GIVE ME ENOUGH TIME.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
OH, HI, TOM!
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME, TOO!
NO, I WILL NOT LET
YOU BUY ME LUNCH.
I'LL BUY YOU LUNCH.
I INSIST!
OK.
GOOD-BYE, TOM.
NINA, I'LL BE BACK
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
HAVE A NICE LUNCH.
NINA, I NEED TO SEND
SOMETHING OVER TO TOM,
AND I SEEM TO HAVE LOST
TOM'S ADDRESS. WHO IS HE AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW, AND IT'S
NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
AND I'M OBSESSED WITH IT.
I THOUGHT THE 2
OF YOU WERE OVER.
WHY DO ALL MEN THINK ONCE THEY
PLANT THE FLAG THEY OWN THE MOUNTAIN?
I SPENT 2 YEARS
CLIMBING THAT MOUNTAIN,
AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET
ANOTHER MAN YODEL ON IT!
AAH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH. HE'S THINKING.
TOMMY, DO YOU STILL
HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME?
SORRY, AUGUST. I'M
SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
KEVIN AND I HAVE ONLY
BEEN GOING OUT FOR A MONTH,
AND YOU ALREADY
HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND?
OH, THAT'S RICH.
GOOD-BYE.
YOUR SON IS IMPOSSIBLE!
AND YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS.
YOU'RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!
WHERE'S DINNER?
SALLY'S NOT HOME YET.
NYAAH!
HARRY, GO THINK IN ANOTHER ROOM.
AND NO TELEVISION!
DICK, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK YOU.
UM...
ARE YOU STILL
INTERESTED IN MARY?
NO! WHY DOES EVERYBODY
ASK ME THAT, BECAUSE I'M NOT!
NO, SIR. SHE AND I ARE FREE!
GOOD.
OH, YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
YEAH, I'M GLAD.
DAMN RIGHT. SO AM I.
HEY, GUYS!
GOOD NEWS!
WHAT IS IT, LIEUTENANT?
I GOT A JOB.
A REAL JOB! LOOK!
"SALLY SOLOMON,
STERN AND BOWER, INC."
IT'S MY I.D.
I HAVE A PARKING
PASS, MEDICAL, DENTAL,
PENSION, PROFIT SHARING.
I'M THINKING OF
RETIRING IN MEXICO.
WELL, YOUR DOLLAR
GOES FURTHER THERE.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?
IT'S SO MUCH HARDER
THAN I THOUGHT.
I ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEARN
HOW TO RESPECT MY COWORKERS
IF I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS JOB.
"NO OFFENSE, BUT
YOU'RE OFFENDING ME."
WHAT'S THIS?
OH, IT'S A PAMPHLET ABOUT
UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANCE
AND ALL THAT CRAP.
ANYWAY, I READ IT, AND AS
HARD AS THIS IS TO BELIEVE,
SOMETIMES I THINK I MAKE
PEOPLE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
OH, GET OUT.
WHAT'S THIS? "HEARTY MAN'S
MEATLOAF WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S."
OK. THIS IS THE BAD
NEWS, YOU GUYS.
AS A WORKING WOMAN, I CAN
NO LONGER COOK FOR YOU.
FROM NOW ON, YOU HAVE
TO EAT FROZEN DINNERS.
AWW. AWW.
CAN WE START TONIGHT?
SURE. AS SOON AS I
TAKE OFF MY COAT.
HI, GUYS.
I'LL JUST, UH, TAKE THAT.
Harry: NO-O-O-O!
MR. WEBBER, YOU HAVE
A MEETING IN 10 MINUTES.
MMM. SOMEONE SMELLS
LIKE FRESH LEMONS.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
PLEDGE.
I LIKE IT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HARD
TIME CONCENTRATING ON WORK,
IF YOU GO AROUND
SMELLING LIKE THAT.
OH, I'M SORRY I DISTRACTED
YOU. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
WELL, SPEAKING OF DISTRACTIONS,
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT
WHAT'S UNDER THAT JACKET.
I MEAN, GIVE ME A
BREAK. I'M ONLY HUMAN.
I'M SORRY.
DOES THAT HELP?
OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
OK. LOOK, MR. WEBBER, I
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I READ THAT BOOKLET
FROM THE HUMAN RESOURCES...
OH, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA!
I WAS JUST KIDDING. HONESTLY.
OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND,
BUT, LOOK, I KNOW I LOOK HOT,
AND IF I HAVE IMPEDED
YOUR PERFORMANCE
OR MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THE WORKPLACE,
I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
MAYBE WE COULD
DO IT OVER DRINKS.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
'CAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN'T
WORK WITH THOSE LEGS AROUND.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?
OH, MY GOD.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'M SEXUALLY HARASSING MY BOSS!
[FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR]
HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST VISITING MY
GOOD FRIEND NINA.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT MUSIC?
IT'S JAZZ.
WELL, IT'S GROOVY.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GROOVY?
TELEVISION.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON
TELEVISION RIGHT NOW?
SHOWS.
OH.
SORRY, HARRY. SOMETHING'S
WRONG WITH MY ANTENNA.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL FIX IT.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
I'LL FIX IT.
[FRANTIC KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OH, NINA, I GOT TO
TALK TO SOMEBODY.
WELL, SURE. COME ON IN.
YOU GOT TO HELP ME. I AM
SEXUALLY HARASSING MY BOSS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
NO MATTER WHAT PERFUME
I WEAR, HE SNIFFS ME.
MY LEGS DISTRACT
HIM ALL DAY LONG.
HE CAN'T GET ANY WORK DONE.
SALLY, THIS GUY SOUNDS
LIKE A TOTAL CREEP.
AAH!
GOOD NEWS!
I'VE GOT MR. ED.
NO, WAIT. IT'S A MADONNA VIDEO.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
NINA, I NEED SOME INFORMATION!
DICK, I WAS TALKING TO NINA.
WELL, WAIT YOUR TURN!
NINA, I WANT YOU TO CALL UP MARY
AND FIND OUT IF
SHE'S WITH ANYBODY.
NO! I'D DO IT MYSELF,
BUT SHE'D THINK THAT I
STILL WANTED HER AND I DON'T!
DON'T PULL ME INTO THIS. IT
MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
AHA! YOU'RE HARASSING HER!
I AM NOT!
YOU'RE MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE.
I KNOW WHEN I'M MAKING SOMEONE
UNCOMFORTABLE, AND THIS ISN'T IT.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
EVERYBODY FREEZE.
WE'VE GOT RECEPTION.
I SAID NO TV!
OH! THAT WAS MY ANTENNA!
DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE
IT OUT OF YOUR SALARY.
WHO IS MARY SEEING?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK TOMMY.
HE'S AT MARY'S RIGHT NOW.
WHAT, TOMMY'S AT MARY'S?
THAT DUPLICITOUS OLD FART!
HEY.
WHICH IS OUR NICKNAME FOR HIM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHERE'S MARY?
THE KITCHEN. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE TO SEE HER.
YEAH. LET'S JUST KEEP
THIS OUTSIDE, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M ENJOYING MYSELF.
FOR THE FIRST
TIME ON THIS PLANET,
I'VE MET A WOMAN WHO
APPRECIATES ME FOR WHAT I THINK,
A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T
JUDGE ME BY MY APPEARANCE.
I'M HAPPY, DICK.
SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU.
I'M OLDER THAN YOU!
WELL, YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR HER!
EITHER WAY, IT WON'T WORK!
I MAKE HER LAUGH,
DICK. SHE LIKES IT.
YOU SHUT YOUR FOUL MOUTH!
SHE SAID SHE NEVER
LAUGHED SO HARD WITH YOU.
LISTEN TO ME, GRANDPA.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM THE
WOMAN THAT I DON'T LOVE!
SHE'S NOT YOUR
GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE, PAL.
YOU GAVE ME THE ALL
CLEAR, SO SHOVE OFF!
Mary: TOM!
YEAH, I'M COMING...
MARY.
OOH!
AND IF I CATCH YOU HANGING
AROUND THIS PORCH AGAIN,
I'M CALLING THE COPS.
Dick: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAD THE
GALL TO SAY HE COULD MAKE HER LAUGH.
I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM DO
IT WITH ME IN THE ROOM.
COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE
THIS SOMEWHERE ELSE?
SHE LAUGHED HER
HEAD OFF WITH ME.
I'M BEING HARASSED, OK?
MY PROBLEM IS FAR GREATER
THAN ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR...
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THINKING.
LEARNING.
OBSERVING THE
WORLD OUTSIDE THE TV.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE OBSERVED?
YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT VERY
GOOD AT YOUR JOB.
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
LET'S REVIEW!
WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED
SINCE WE GOT HERE?
WELL, YOU GOT A
RATHOLE APARTMENT,
AND A USED CAR, AND YOU
GOT LUCKY A FEW TIMES.
17!
17.
WELL, THE BIG GIANT HEAD'S
GOT TO HAVE A MERIT
BADGE FOR THAT.
GOT YOU THERE, DICK.
AND YOU!
YOU CALL YOURSELF
A SECURITY OFFICER.
LOOK AT YOU!
SINCE WE GOT HERE, WE'VE BEEN
ROBBED, MUGGED, THREATENED,
AND NOW SOME MENTAL
MIDGET IS MAKING YOU FEEL
ALL UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THE WORKPLACE.
AND ALL YOU CAN
DO ABOUT IT IS YAK,
YAK, YA-A-A-K!
YOU WANT YOUR WOMAN
BACK, YOU GO GET HER!
YOUR BOSS IS A MORON,
PUT YOUR FOOT IN HIS BUTT!
WE'RE AN INTERSTELLAR SQUAD OF
SUPERIOR BEINGS, FOR GOD'S SAKES!
NOW, QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'
AND GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!
WELL, GOOD MORNING, SWEETNESS.
LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE.
YOUR CONDUCT IS AFFECTING
MY WORK PERFORMANCE
AND/OR CREATING AN INTIMIDATING
ENVIRONMENT IN MY WORKPLACE.
YOU KNOW, SALLY.
IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?
OH, WOW!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HARRY WAS RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PLANT A PATENT
LEATHER PUMP RIGHT IN YOUR ASS.
I'M AFRAID THE, UH, COMPANY
HAS DECIDED TO TERMINATE YOU.
YOU'RE HAVING ME KILLED?
NO. NO, NO. WE'RE FIRING YOU.
OH, GOOD.
WHY?
THE INCIDENT WITH MR. WEBBER.
OH. OK, UH, VERONICA.
UM, I'M GLAD YOU
BROUGHT THAT UP.
YOU SEE, MR. WEBBER HAS BEEN
MAKING ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE
FILED A COMPLAINT WITH US.
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
YES, I KNOW,
BUT YOU SHOULD'VE COME IN
BEFORE YOU BROKE HIS KNEECAP.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE
A LEG TO STAND ON.
BUT NEITHER DOES HE.
[RING]
HELLO. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M HERE TO SEE MARY.
I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T COME IN.
IT'S ME! WHO IS IT?
OH, TOM!
COME IN!
WE'RE HAVING COFFEE.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP?
UH, NO, HE WOULDN'T.
YES, PLEASE!
OH. I'LL GO PUT ON SOME MORE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I BROUGHT MARY A
NEW MAGNIFYING GLASS.
I COULDN'T BEAR HER
BEING WITHOUT ONE.
THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING
TO, YOU PATHETIC HEAP.
YOU'RE ONLY HERE
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND TO SEE
MARY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
LIKE YOU COULD THREATEN
ME. IT'S LAUGHABLE.
HA HA HA!
YOU SEE. NOW YOU'RE
MAKING ME LAUGH AT YOU!
IF YOU HURT HER,
I SWEAR TO GOD, I
WILL BREAK YOUR NECK.
YOU WILL NOT THREATEN
ME. IS THAT CLEAR, SOLDIER?
OH. OK. THEN, UH,
PERMISSION TO DO THIS.
UGH!
AAH!
SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?
DOES... THAT... FEEL... GOOD?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
ROUGHHOUSING?
TOMMY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MY DADDY HURT ME.
DICK, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
OH, MARY, IF YOU ONLY UNDERSTOOD
WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND!
GET OUT!
BUT HE STARTED IT!
GET OUT AND GET HELP!
ALL RIGHT.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL
BE GOOD TO HER.
OH.
OH, WELL. I SUPPOSE I
CAN GET ANOTHER ONE
THE NEXT TIME I'M IN
SOUTHWESTERN TANGANYIKA.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
COME HERE TONIGHT.
YOU'RE WELCOME HERE ANYTIME.
MARY, SIT DOWN.
WHAT IS IT, TOM?
LISTEN.
YOU'RE REALLY SWEET,
BUT IT'S JUST NOT
GOING TO WORK OUT,
AND BESIDES, I
THINK WE BOTH KNOW
THERE'S STILL A GUY OUT
THERE WHO'S STUCK ON YOU.
I HAVE NO IDEA...
SHH!
DON'T SPEAK.
JUST LET ME REMEMBER
THE WAY YOU LOOK
RIGHT NOW.
IT'S OK, DICK.
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
YOU'RE NOT GIVING
HER TO ME. I TOOK HER.
WELL, WHATEVER GETS
YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT.
Harry: AH!
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE
BEEN THINKING AGAIN.
OH, MY GOD. AW! SHUT UP!
YOU KNOW, DICK, I DON'T
THINK YOU HAVE A CLUE
ABOUT EARTH WOMEN.
MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T THINK
YOU'D BE TOO GOOD WITH
WOMEN FROM ANY PLANET.
SPEAKING OF WOMEN,
I THINK YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT
REALLY BROTHER AND SISTER.
IT'S ALL MADE UP.
WHAT SAY WE HAVE A GO AT IT?
YOU, ME, AND A STICK OF
BUTTER. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
LOOK, HARRY, HOME SHOPPING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SEEN IT, SEEN IT.
BOUGHT IT, BOUGHT IT.
WANT IT. NEED IT. OOH!
OH, I LIKE THAT.
AHH. AHH. AHH.
PEACE.
YOU KNOW, DICK, YOU'RE JUST LIKE
THAT GUY I WORKED FOR.
IT'S ALL ABOUT
POSSESSION AND CONTROL.
YOU THINK YOU OWN MARY.
OH, NO, I KNOW NOW
THAT I NEVER OWNED MARY,
BUT I DID TEST DRIVE
THE HELL OUT OF HER.
YEAH, YEAH, WE KNOW. 17 TIMES.
[JEOPARDY! THEME PLAYS]
♪ THINKING, THINKING ♪
♪ THINKING HARD ♪
♪ I KNOW WHAT THE
ANSWER IS, I GOT IT ♪
♪ NO, THAT CAN'T
BE, I'M SO WRONG ♪
♪ I GUESSED MAO,
BUT IT'S B.D. WONG ♪
♪ THINKING, THINKING ♪
♪ THINKING HARD ♪
♪ WHAT'S THE USE? ♪
♪ I'VE BURNED TOO
MANY BRAIN CELLS ♪
♪ MAYBE I'LL JUST FANTASIZE ♪
♪ LOOK AT ALEX
AND CLOSE MY EYES ♪