3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 9 - Seven Deadly Clips - full transcript

At the dinner table the Solomons are talking about the seven deadly sins. Tommy learned about them at school and learns the others what they are. Every sin discussed leads to a series of clips from previous shows to reflect how guilty the Solomons are regarding that particular sin.

CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE,
PECAN SWIRL ICE CREAM,

CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS,

AND CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS.

OH, THIS IS THE
BEST DINNER EVER.

I CAN MAKE A STEAK.

WHAT, OUT OF CHOCOLATE?

MM! THIS ICE CREAM'S DELICIOUS.

ACTUALLY, IT'S
SINFULLY DELICIOUS.

I WOULD GLADLY GO TO
HELL FOR A PINT OF THIS.

YEAH. YEAH.

WAIT A MINUTE.



SO YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT EATING A PINT OF THAT

AND KILLING A GUY
ARE EQUALLY BAD?

NO. ACTUALLY, THERE ARE
DIFFERENT KINDS OF SIN.

SOME ARE INNOCENT AND
OTHERS QUITE DEADLY.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. YEAH,
THE 7 DEADLY SINS.

I LEARNED ABOUT THEM AT SCHOOL.

AH, YES. 7 DEADLY SINS.

SLEEPY, HAPPY,
DOPEY, AND MURDER.

NO. NO, MURDER IS
NOT ONE OF THEM,

BUT I THINK PRIDE IS.

OH, PRIDE.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE
FLAWS THESE HUMANS HAVE.

HA HA HA HA!



PLEASE, DICK. YOU'RE
AS GUILTY AS ANY HUMAN.

GIVE ME ONE EXAMPLE.

YOU THE MAN. NO, YOU THE MAN.

NO, YOU THE MAN.
NO, YOU THE MAN.

NO, YOU THE MAN.
NO, YOU THE MAN.

DAMN IT, HARRY! I'M
THE HIGH COMMANDER.

IF I SAY "YOU THE
MAN," YOU THE MAN!

YOU'RE THIS BIG ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YOU TELL ME. WHAT AM I?

CERTIFIABLE.

YES. THAT'S WHAT I AM.

CERTIFIABLE.

CERTIFIABLE AND
DAMN PROUD OF IT.

WELL, YOU MUST BE
DELIGHTED TO MEET ME!

DR. HOWARD... IS IN FOR A TREAT.

I AM A MASTERPIECE,

A PERFECT HUMAN BEING,

NOT A STRAND OF
DNA OUT OF PLACE.

YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT MY
ORGANS TO PUT ON DISPLAY.

OH, MY GOD!

I'M GORGEOUS!

I ONLY ASKED FOR ONE EXAMPLE.

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YOU KNOW SOMETHING...

PRIDE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE
ONE OF THE 7 DEADLY SINS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH
FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME.

YOU'RE NOT THAT GREAT, DICK.

OH, COME ON!

TELLING ME I'M NOT GREAT?

THAT SHOULD BE ONE OF THE
7 DEADLY SINS RIGHT THERE.

WHO'S WITH ME?

SHUT UP, DICK.

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

IT'S REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S ONE OF
THE 7 DEADLY SINS RIGHT THERE.

PISSING ME OFF?

NO. ANGER.

OH, SHUT UP.

COME ON, OPEN UP.

AAAH!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

WELL, IT STARTED IT.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO
BECOME THE MODEL STUDENT?

I DID. I'VE ACED EVERY TEST.

THEN WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
BRILLIANT, NOT CLAIRVOYANT.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU
JUST ONCE MAKE ME A PROUD FATHER?

IT'S NOT MY MISSION
TO MAKE YOU PROUD.

IT IS IF I SAY SO.

IS NOT!

SAY IT'S YOUR MISSION. NO!

GO ON. SAY IT'S YOUR MISSION.

SAY IT, SAY IT!

IT'S MY MISSION.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR TIE.

AHA.

VERY CLEVER.

YES, I SEE HOW THAT WORKS.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHOULDER.

HA HA HA. I DON'T...

HELLO, BRAD.

SALLY.

I'VE COME TO CHECK YOUR PHONE.

WELL, YOU GOT TO HUMOR THEM.

HA HA HA!

THIS REDHEAD CAME IN LAST WEEK.

I THINK SHE WAS
DRIVING A SUNBIRD.

SHE OPENED THAT HOOD...

[CRUNCH]

HELLO.

I'D LIKE MY CAR
READY IN A HALF HOUR.

I DON'T WANT A 200%
MARKUP ON PARTS,

AND I'D LIKE IT WASHED.

THANK YOU.

YOU HEAR THAT, HIGH COMMANDER?

SALLY...

OH...

I'M SORRY.

HERE YOU GO, BABY.

WELL, HE HATED THAT.

WHEN IS SALLY GONNA GET
BACK WITH THOSE DIAPERS?

WHOA, LOOK...

SOMETHING COMING
OUT OF HIS NOSE AGAIN.

UGHH... IT'S LIKE
HE'S GOT WETNESS

COMING OUT OF EVERY
HOLE IN HIS BODY.

DUMB, WET BABY.

HEY... HE LIKES IT.

MAYBE NOT.

SUDDENLY IT'S NOT QUITE SO FUNNY

WHEN I DO IT, NOW IS IT?

YOU KNOW, AS FAR
AS I'M CONCERNED,

IF ANGER IS A DEADLY SIN,

IT'S A HEALTHY DEADLY SIN.

IT GETS THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.

AS LONG WE KEEP EVERYTHING
OUT IN THE OPEN, WE'LL BE FINE.

[THINKING] WHY DOES SHE
HAVE A BIGGER ECLAIR THAN I DO?

[THINKING] HE'S
WEARING A NEW SWEATER.

WHY DOES HE GET TO SPEND
ALL THE MONEY ON CLOTHES?

[THINKING] I WISH MY HAIR
WOULD GET THAT LONG.

[THINKING] LOOK HOW
ENVIOUS THEY ALL ARE.

I WISH I WAS LIKE THAT.

SO, DICK, AREN'T
YOU GOING TO ASK ME

HOW MY DAY WENT?

GOOD WORK, HARRY. WELL DONE.

SALLY...

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN INVITED SOMEWHERE

IS NO REASON NOT TO GO.

YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT
IS TO MEET THIS MOTHER

AND STUDY HER MATERNAL POWER.

I COULD SEDUCE HER IF YOU LIKE.

UH, NO, HARRY.

TOMMY, HAVE YOU
INFILTRATED THE GLEE CLUB YET?

OH, YEAH. THEY'RE VERY HAPPY.

THAT'S MY REPORT.

GOOD WORK, TOMMY.

W-WAIT. WHAT ABOUT ME?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WELL, THAT'S MY POINT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE
HIGH COMMANDER,

AND SHE'S IN CHARGE OF SECURITY.

HE'S THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

WHAT AM I?

WELL, YOU'RE...

YOU'RE HARRY.

OH, SURE...

I GOT THE FANCY TITLE,

BUT WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT AM I GOOD AT?

UHH... UH...

YOU'RE A PAINTER.

OH, YEAH. I LIKE PAINTING.

PAINTING! YES. GREAT. GO, PAINT.

OK. OFF TO MY PAINTING.

JUST YELL IF YOU NEED ME.

SURE. WHATEVER.

OH, DICK...

THEY SCREWED IT UP AGAIN!

DAMN!

TOMMY...

DO YOU EVER DOODLE?

WHY? WAS I IN THE
BATHROOM TOO LONG?

I... I CAN'T DOODLE.

WELL, DICK, YOU'RE KIND OF OLD.

OLD?

PICASSO DOODLED ON TABLECLOTHS

LATE INTO HIS 60s.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I KNOW.

I JUST CAN'T DRAW.

OH! DOODLING. OH...

IT'S INEXPLICABLE!

I, WHO BESTRIDE THIS WORLD
LIKE AN INTELLECTUAL COLOSSUS...

I, WHO MAKE LESSER MEN QUIVER
IN AWE OF MY CRANIAL PROWESS...

I, WHO...

I'VE FORGOTTEN MY POINT.

DICK, I INVENTED A NEW COLOR.

I COMBINED RED AND YELLOW.

I CALL IT REDYELLOW.

CAN'T WAIT TO
SHOW IT IN ART CLASS.

GREAT.

MIX UP A WHOLE VAT OF IT.

GO. HOP TO IT...

YOU IRONICALLY
GIFTED CHOWDER HEAD.

WHY DID I SAY THAT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

COULD IT BE... AND THIS
IS JUST A WILD GUESS...

THAT HARRY IS WAY BETTER
AT SOMETHING THAN YOU?

OH, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT.

I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.

I DON'T ENGAGE IN PETTY RIVALRY.

LOOK, DICK,

YOU'RE ACTUALLY
YOUNGER THAN ME, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

BUT ON THIS MISSION,
YOU GOT TO BE TALLER.

NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THAT
EATS MY LUNCH JUST A LITTLE BIT?

BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME WHINING.

SO HOW CAN YOU
BE SO COOL ABOUT IT?

'CAUSE I'M OLDER THAN
YOU, LITTLE BUDDY.

I NOW ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I
DO NOT HAVE ARTISTIC TALENT

LIKE YOU, LIKE HARRY.

I KNOW NOW THAT I WILL NEVER BE
ABLE TO BE A PART OF A CLASS LIKE THIS,

BUT DR. ALBRIGHT HAS MADE
ME SEE THE JOY THAT I CAN TAKE

IN INSPIRING OTHER PEOPLE.

NO, I WILL NEVER BE AN ARTIST,

BUT I CAN MAKE A GREAT SUBJECT.

PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MUSE!

WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT THE 7 DEADLY SINS,

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I AM GUILTY OF THE
DEADLIEST SIN OF THEM ALL...

FALLIN' DOWN.

LIEUTENANT, I NEED YOUR HELP.

I NEED YOU TO FIND
OUT WHAT'S FUNNY.

OH, I CAN'T. I GOTTA
GO BUILD A NEW SHELF.

I RAN OUT OF ROOM FOR MY SHOES.

THIS IS MORE
IMPORTANT. IT'S ABOUT ME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
A SENSE OF HUMOR, ANYWAY?

OH, COME ON, TOMMY.

HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR

IS HAVING THE POWER TO
TRANSFORM SOMEONE'S MOOD,

TO LIFT HIS SPIRIT.

YOU GIVE IT TO SOMEONE YOU
LOVE WHEN SHE REALLY NEEDS IT.

AND I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT
MARY'S BEEN GETTING IT FROM ANOTHER MAN.

DICK, I THINK THIS WHOLE BEING
FUNNY THING IS JUST INNATE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK, LIEUTENANT?

WHAT DO I THINK?

I THINK EITHER YOU
GOT IT OR YOU DON'T.

LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID.

WHAT?

I LIKE HIS FRIENDS.

NICE KIDS.

I KNOW. ME, TOO, SWEETIE.

FALLING DOWN IS
NOT A DEADLY SIN.

OH.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE... WHOOP.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? THERE IS NOTHING
BETTER THAN A CHOCOLATE BROWNIE.

NOTHING?

NOPE. NOTHING.

NOTHING?

NOPE. NOTHING.

NOTHING? NOTHING? NOTHING?

OH.

OF COURSE.

NO, WAIT. THAT'S
NOT WHAT I MEANT.

WHAT DID YOU MEAN?

WELL, I MEANT LUST.

WAIT. LUST IS A DEADLY SIN?

IT IS IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.

NOT THAT I'D KNOW.

DR. SOLOMON,

TOMMY'S VERY
BRIGHT. NO QUESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, TOMMY'S
HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FITTING IN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FITTING IN?

EXCUSE ME.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
THE THICKNESS OF YOUR NECK

AND THE BROADNESS
OF YOUR SHOULDERS

THAT MAKES ME THINK
YOU'D BE AN AGILE HUNTER

AND PROVIDE WELL
FOR OUR CHILDREN.

LET ME DO THE
SPOON ONCE, PLEASE?

FINE.

JUST THIS ONCE.

YOU'RE ABOUT A QUART LOW.

TRY IT LIKE THIS.

♪ YOU'LL HEAR ME CALL YOU ♪

♪ SINGING THROUGH THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ SWEET AND CLEAR AS CAN BE ♪

♪ HERE AM I ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ HERE AM I, COME TO ME ♪

♪ HERE AM I, COME TO ME ♪

♪ BALI HAI ♪

AHH...

OK, NOW, WHO WOULD LIKE TO
STAND UP AND TRY IT LIKE THAT?

TOMMY.

YAMS.

OH, I GOT YAMS FOR YA.

DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE
MINIMARSHMALLOW ON THAT?

OHHHHHHH...

OH, DR. ALBRIGHT,

THAT WAS THE GREATEST
30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

[AHEM]

[AHEM]

OK...

NEXT SIN?

WHOA. HOLD ON THERE, FELLA.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO
BACK TO THAT LAST SIN SOME MORE?

HEY, DON'T GET GREEDY, OK?

OH, TH-THAT'S ANOTHER
SIN RIGHT THERE... GREED.

WELL, WE'RE NOT GREEDY.

IN FACT, WE'RE THE
MOST GIVING, UNSELFISH,

THOUGHTFUL GROUP
OF RAGTAG MISFITS

THAT THIS DAMN
PLANET HAS EVER SEEN.

GUYS, I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU BACK.

OH, HEY, EXCUSE
ME. IT'S AFTER 6:00.

YOU CAN GIVE MY CHIPMUNK
THE PAIN SHOT NOW.

DR. SOLOMON, I WAS GOING TO.

OH, GOOD. UH, GO AHEAD.

JUST A FEW MINUTES.

WELL, PLEASE, IT'S
AFTER 6:00. IT'S AFTER 6:00.

I DON'T SEE WHY HE
SHOULD HAVE THIS PAIN.

SIR, I WILL GET
TO IT IN A MINUTE.

IT'S TIME FOR HIS SHOT!

YOU UNDERSTAND? DO SOMETHING!

HE ONLY HAD TO HOLD OUT
UNTIL 6:00, AND IT'S PAST 6:00.

HE'S IN PAIN.

MY CHIPMUNK IS IN PAIN.

HE NEEDS A SHOT!
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BEHAVE.

GIVE MY CHIPMUNK THE SHOT!

WHERE'D HE GO?

[GASP]

OH, NO!

HOLD ON, BABY!

NO! SALLY! YOU CAN'T!

LET ME GO! I'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM!

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!

THAT'S A BOTTOMLESS
BALL PIT OF DEATH!

I DON'T CARE! THAT'S MY BABY!

NOOOOO!

AAAH!

OHH... OHHHH...

I'VE GOT HIM!

WELL, I WENT TO THE PET STORE

TO BUY YOU SOME NEW FISH,

AND I SAW THIS CUTE LITTLE GUY.

OH, DICK, I CAN'T
TAKE CARE OF A DOG.

IF YOU CAN LOVE A FISH,
YOU CAN LOVE A DOG.

WELL, HE IS KIND OF CUTE.

COME HERE, BOY.

OH, LOOK AT HIM.

HE LOVES YOU, MARY.

HE'S SO CUTE...

DON'T RESIST IT.

LET YOURSELF BE LOVED.

HE NEEDS YOU.

HE NEEDS YOU HE LOVES YOU!

MARY, HE REALLY LOVES YOU.

I TELL YA SOMETHING...

NOT ONLY ARE WE A CARING,
THOUGHTFUL, GIVING FAMILY,

WE'RE A CARING,
THOUGHTFUL, GIVING FAMILY

THAT CAN SING.

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

♪ WHEN... THE... MOON
HITS A-YOUR EYE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG A-PIZZA PIE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BUONA SERA, SEÑORINA...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

♪ WHEN A-THE WORLD
SEEMS TO SHINE ♪

♪ A-LIKE YOU HAD
TOO MUCH A-WINE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

♪ BELLS WILL RING,
TING-A-LING-A-LING ♪

♪ LING-A-LING-A-LING ♪

♪ AND WE'LL SING VIS... ♪

♪ ...TA BELLA ♪

♪ HEARTS WILL PLAY,
TIPPIE-TIPPIE-TAY, TIPPIE-TIPPIE-TAY ♪

♪ LIKE A GAY TA... ♪

♪ LONTELLA ♪

LONTIBELLA!

♪♪

Man: WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON OUT THERE?!

NOTHING, MR. RATNER!

OH, WOULD YOU
PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE SOMEBODY CALLS THE COPS?

THE COPS, THEY CANNOT
THWART MY PASSION!

I WILL STAND RIGHT HERE

TILL A PACK OF WILD
DOGS CHASE ME AWAY!

DOGS!

RUN!

AAAH!

♪♪

SO WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?

WELL, UH, THERE'S STILL STEAK.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT?

I CAN NEVER EAT ENOUGH.

THE QUESTION WAS
RHETORICAL, HARRY.

BRING ON THE STEAK!

BUT YOU GUYS MIGHT BE COMMITTING
THE MOST DEADLY OF ALL SINS...

GLUTTONY.

AH, PERHAPS,

BUT IT IS ALSO THE MOST
DIABOLICALLY DELICIOUS.

PUT DOWN THE RIBS

AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PLATTER.

NO.

OK, THEN.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE...

IF YOU TAKE ONE
BITE OUT OF THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA HATE YOURSELF
MORE THAN YOU ALREADY DO.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO FACE
THOSE CONSEQUENCES, SOLDIER?!

MY PANTS FIT!

I WON THE WAR!

SO YOU LOST WEIGHT?

EVEN BETTER. I
BOUGHT BIGGER PANTS.

OH, WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAD THAT STEAK.

WELL, I THINK WE COVERED
ALL THE DEADLY SINS.

NO. NO, ACTUALLY,
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

WELL, I'M TOO MUCH OF
A SLOTH TO THINK OF IT.

WHOA, WAIT. THAT'S IT.

WHAT, SLOTH?

NO. THINKING.

UH, "SEE KEY OPERATOR."

WELL, THAT'S ME.

I'M OPERATING THE KEYS.

ME!

DAMN YOU!

I'M GONNA PRESS CANCEL.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

'CAUSE I'LL DO
IT. I'LL PRESS IT.

START... START...

DAMN YOU!

WHY, I'M GONNA...

START!!

I'M GONNA BEAT YOU WITH
YOUR OWN TONER CARTRIDGE!

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