3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 18 - I Brake for Dick - full transcript
Dick has run over a chipmunk and is very shocked by this. He starts being a vegetarian, orders the Solomons not to use anything that's made of animals and throw the things that are made of animals away. Meanwhile, Harry wants to be a boy scout and Tommy has trouble with August. He didn't ask her for Spring Dance and now she's mad with him. He considers writing to an advice columnist.
SO, YOU, UH...
KNOW ABOUT THE SPRING
DANCE NEXT WEEK, RIGHT?
UH, UH... YEAH.
YEAH. WHY, YOU WANT TO GO?
I DON'T CARE.
OH. GOOD.
WAIT. SO YOU'RE NOT
ASKING ME TO THE DANCE?
NO.
AS USUAL, YOU HAVE NO CLUE.
WHAT? WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT! BUT YOU JUST SAID...
NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID.
I DISTINCTLY HEARD YOU SAY
THAT YOU DID NOT
CARE... YOU SAID... SHE...
[DOOR SLAMS]
DOESN'T SHE EVER
JUST LEAVE QUIETLY?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER.
WHAT'S TO UNDERSTAND?
KILL HER AND GET A NEW ONE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
SEE, YOU GOT TO GET A NEW ONE,
AND THEN YOU KILL HER.
JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS,
"BE PREPARED."
"THE OFFICIAL BOY
SCOUT GUIDEBOOK."
WHO ARE THE BOY SCOUTS?
THEY'RE AN ELITE, PREPUBESCENT
PARAMILITARY SOCIETY,
AND I'M GOING TO
FOLLOW THEIR WAYS.
BUT, HARRY, YOU'RE NEITHER
ELITE NOR PREPUBESCENT.
ALL IN GOOD TIME, SALLY.
ALL IN GOOD TIME.
WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THESE ANTS.
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
WELL, YOU CAN'T KILL THEM.
I'M BREEDING THEM.
OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'M GOING FOR MY MERIT BADGE
IN INSECT HUSBANDRY.
SO YOU'VE TURNED MY
KITCHEN INTO AN ANT FARM?
NO. THE ANT FARM
IS UNDER YOUR BED.
THE KITCHEN IS MORE
OF A LOUNGE AREA.
IT'S OK.
IT'S OK.
HERE WE ARE,
NICE AND SAFE.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
HELLO!
DICK'S A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED NOW?
OH, I WAS DRIVING ALONG...
RADIO BLASTING,
WIND RUSHING THROUGH
MY GORGEOUS HAIR...
WHEN SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE,
WHAA! THOOMP! OHH!
[SOBBING]
WHAT?
HE HIT A CHIPMUNK.
A CHIPMUNK?
WHAT, LIKE ONE OF
THOSE LITTLE DISNEY RATS?
WE RUSHED HIM TO THE
FINEST VETERINARIAN
IN ALL OF RUTHERFORD,
BUT IT'S TOUCH AND GO,
AND THESE DAMN DOCTORS
WON'T TELL ME WHAT'S
REALLY GOING ON.
OH, POOR CHIPPY.
YOU NAMED IT CHIPPY?
WELL, I THINK IT'S
KIND OF CATCHY.
CHIPPY THE CHIPMUNK.
CHIPPY THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK.
THE TRAGEDY OF CHIPPY
THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK.
[SOBBING]
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
OBJECT "A":
A 2,358-POUND RAMBLER AMERICAN,
FROM 1964,
TRAVELING AT 45 MILES PER HOUR
COLLIDES WITH OBJECT "B":
A TINY CHIPMUNK...
WEIGHING A MERE 8 OUNCES.
NOW, WHO CAN CALCULATE
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TOLL
THIS BLOODY
COLLISION WILL TAKE...
ON THE DRIVER?
DR. SOLOMON, YOU HIT A CHIPMUNK?
YES.
PLEASE, JUST TELL ME:
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO ASK YOU TO THE DANCE?
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO THE DANCE?
NO. I'M ASKING YOU
IF YOU WANT ME TO
ASK YOU TO THE DANCE.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
AUGUST,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
THAT DEPENDS.
ARE YOU JUST ASKING
ME 'CAUSE I'M MAD AT YOU?
YES.
DON'T BOTHER.
SO, TOMMY,
DON'T HAVE A DATE FOR THE DANCE?
WELL, UH... I'M NOT SURE.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T,
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO
FORWARD IF I ASK.
NO.
WOULD YOU GO
WITH MY FRIEND BETH?
OH!
"A PROPER TOURNIQUET
SHOULD MINIMIZE THE BLOOD FLOW
TO THE AFFECTED EXTREMITY."
THIS DANCE THING IS NUTS.
IT'S LIKE THE NFL DRAFT.
AUGUST TOOK HER
OFFER OFF THE TABLE,
SO NOW I'M A FREE AGENT,
AND IF I CAN'T CONVINCE
HER TO SIGN ME BACK,
I'M GOING TO GET DRAFTED
BY THE RUTHERFORD UGLIES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE ARBITRARY WAY
THAT HUMANS DECIDE
WHICH ANIMALS TO REVERE
AND WHICH TO EAT.
IT'S NOTHING MORE
THAN A BARBARIC
POPULARITY CONTEST.
TAKE THE KOALA BEAR:
CUTE AND CUDDLY.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF A KOALA BURGER?
A KOALA DOG?
KOALA FALAFEL?
NO.
BUT THE NOBLE COW,
WHOSE ONLY SINS ARE
HER PENDULOUS TEATS
AND REDUNDANT STOMACHS...
IS DOOMED TO BE SAWED INTO
FREEZER-FRIENDLY CHUNKS
AND SOLD BY THE POUND TO
THE BLOODTHIRSTY MASSES.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY OUT.
I GOT SOME KILLING TO DO.
WHAT?
WE GOT ANTS, SOLDIER.
Dick: ANTS? WE HAVE ANTS?
YEAH. NOT FOR LONG.
YOU'RE NOT KILLING ANYTHING.
DICK, THEY ARE
DISEASE-RIDDEN VERMIN!
THEY MUST BE EXPUNGED!
LIEUTENANT!
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN
TO HARM ONE SINGLE ANT.
NOW THAT'S A DIRECT ORDER.
I'M SORRY. WAS I ASLEEP
WHEN YOU TURNED
INTO A BIG WUSSY?
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH ME BEING A WUSSY.
CHIPPY HAS OPENED MY EYES.
AS OF TODAY, THIS APARTMENT
IS A CRUELTY-FREE ZONE.
LIEUTENANT, I ORDER YOU
TO RID THIS HOUSE OF ANY ITEMS
MADE AT THE EXPENSE OF
OUR 4-LEGGED BRETHREN.
WE SHALL HAVE NO
ANIMAL PRODUCTS,
NO ANIMAL BYPRODUCTS,
AND YOU SHALL
NOT BUY ANY ANIMAL,
BYPRODUCT, OR PRODUCTS,
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?
UH-HUH.
COME ON, MEN.
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
HELLO, RUTHERFORD ANIMAL CLINIC?
YES, THIS IS CHIPPY'S DADDY.
ARE THERE ANY SIGNS
OF IMPROVEMENT?
OH, I SEE.
WELL, DID HE GET THE BASKET
OF ACORNS I SENT OVER?
WELL, I'LL CHECK
BACK IN AN HOUR.
OH, MARY...
I THINK YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
WHAT IS IT?
CHIPPY MADE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT,
BUT THE DOCTORS SAY WHEN
HE COMES OUT OF THE COMA
HE MAY ONLY HAVE 20-30%
OF HIS TREE-CLIMBING ABILITY.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HELP IF
YOU STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT.
AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
BUT IT'S MY FAULT!
WELL... COME ON, DICK.
THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOREVER.
FIRST, MAN INVENTED THE WHEEL,
AND THEN HE INVENTED ROAD KILL.
YOU DID ALL YOU COULD.
I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T
HAVE EVEN SLOWED DOWN,
MUCH LESS STOPPED TO
PERFORM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
DICK, THERE'S SOME FRAT GUYS
OUT IN THE QUAD HARASSING A BISON!
OH, MY GOD! A BISON!
THOSE SAVAGES! DICK!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO EASY.
NINA?
I NEED A WOMAN'S POINT
OF VIEW FOR SOMETHING.
UM, MY GIRLFRIEND'S
NOT SPEAKING TO ME
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
ASK HER TO A DANCE.
MMM. SEND HER FLOWERS.
SHE ONCE TOLD ME THAT
FLOWERS REMINDED HER
OF THE MORBID STENCH OF DEATH.
OK. WELL, HOW ABOUT A GIFT?
MAYBE A NICE MAKEUP KIT?
SHE SEES MAKEUP AS A WAY
FOR THE ARROGANT MISOGYNISTS
TO DECORATE THE WOMEN THEY OWN
AND TURN THEM INTO, YOU
KNOW, LIKE VACUOUS PLAYTHINGS.
OH, I BET YOU TWO
HAVE A LOT OF FUN.
WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S
ALL YOU'VE GOT?
WELL, WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, "DEAR SANDY"?
WHO'S "DEAR SANDY"?
THE ADVICE LADY FROM THE PAPER.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, "DEAR SANDY,
"I'M A WHINY LITTLE TEENAGER
WITH GIRLFRIEND PROBLEMS,
"AND THE ONLY PERSON
I CAN BUG ABOUT IT
IS MY DAD'S STUNNING
NUBIAN SECRETARY."
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH. COULD
YOU WRITE THAT DOWN FOR ME?
SURE. YOU MEAN THE
"STUNNING NUBIAN" PART?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS.
GETTING RID OF ALL
THE MEAT PRODUCTS.
MMM, I CAN'T WATCH.
WAIT. JUST A SECOND.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
MMM, BINOCULARS.
NO. THE COAT.
MY COAT?
YEAH. IT'S FUR.
ANIMAL FUR. GIVE ME THE COAT.
NO!
NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED
IN THE MAKING OF THIS COAT.
YEAH, I'M SURE SOME
LLAMA JUST UNZIPPED HIS FUR
AND SAID, "THANK GOD HARRY
SOLOMON WON'T BE COLD THIS WINTER."
THAT'S PLAUSIBLE.
AAH!
AN ORDER'S AN ORDER.
AAH!
SHUT UP.
OK.
[BEEPING]
OH, HEY, EXCUSE ME.
IT'S AFTER 6:00. YOU CAN GIVE
MY CHIPMUNK THE PAIN SHOT NOW.
DR. SOLOMON, I WAS GOING TO.
OH, GOOD. GO AHEAD.
JUST A FEW MINUTES.
WELL, PLEASE, IT'S AFTER 6:00.
IT'S AFTER 6:00. I DON'T SEE
WHY HE SHOULD HAVE THIS PAIN.
SIR? I WILL GET
TO IT IN A MINUTE.
IT'S TIME FOR HIS SHOT!
YOU UNDERSTAND? DO SOMETHING!
HE ONLY HAD TO
HOLD OUT UNTIL 6:00,
AND IT'S PAST 6:00!
HE'S IN PAIN! MY
CHIPMUNK IS IN PAIN!
GIVE HIM THE SHOT,
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BEHAVE.
GIVE MY CHIPMUNK THE SHOT!
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.
THE RABBIT COMES
OUT OF THE HOLE...
RUNS ROUND THE TREE...
WINKS AT THE SAILOR...
FINDS GOD...
AND VOILÄ!
A PERFECT STRAIGHT KNOT.
HARRY, I NEED YOUR OPINION.
READ MY "DEAR SANDY" LETTER.
I CHANGED SOME OF THE
SPECIFICS SO NOBODY KNOWS IT'S ME.
"I HAVE A PROBLEM.
"MY GIRLFRIEND...
I'LL CALL HER BETTY,
"WANTS ME TO ASK
HER TO THE DANCE.
I, BEING A WEALTHY
KOREAN BUSINESSMAN..."
THIS IS CRAP.
PARDON MY KOREAN.
WHAT'S THAT?
SANDWICH.
WHAT'S IN IT?
LETTUCE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
SEARCH THAT SANDWICH.
LETTUCE, BREAD...
WHAT'S THIS?
MAYONNAISE?
SO?
MAYONNAISE HAS EGGS IN IT.
EGGS ARE NOT MEAT.
WELL, THEY WOULD BE
IF YOU DIDN'T KILL
THEM FOR MAYONNAISE!
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
DESTROY THIS CONTRABAND.
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOE?
NO. MAYONNAISE.
NO, NO. IT'S LEATHER.
YOUR SHOES ARE MADE OF LEATHER,
AND LEATHER SHOES
COME FROM LEATHER COWS.
LISTEN, EASY THERE, HOT ROD.
LET'S NOT GET CRAZY ABOUT THIS.
MAYBE I GOT A
LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
HERE, HARRY, HAVE
YOUR SANDWICH BACK!
I THINK DICK MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE
A LITTLE LOOK IN YOUR CLOSET.
YES! NO!
OH...
THE SALAD BAR IS
FANTASTIC, MARY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE'LL
EVER GET TIRED OF EATING THIS WAY.
BEETS, CAULIFLOWER,
SEASONED CROUTONS,
PLAIN CROUTONS...
DID I MENTION BEETS?
YEAH.
AND THE PEOPLE
THERE ARE SO NICE...
WHAT? OH, NO.
YOU ORDERED SURF AND TURF,
AND THEY BROUGHT
YOU STEAK AND LOBSTER.
WAITER!
DICK, THAT'S WHAT
SURF AND TURF IS.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WAS WATER AND GRASS.
NO... NO.
MARY, HOW COULD YOU?
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO CHIPPY?
I'M NOT EATING CHIPPY.
NOT NOW, BUT WHERE
WILL THIS CARNAGE END?
DICK, SIT DOWN AND
EAT YOUR BEETS.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT YOU HAVE MADE THIS
WONDERFUL LIFE-CHANGING DECISION,
[SHELL CRACKING] BUT I...
BUT I WILL NOT SIT HERE
AND LET YOU BERATE ME
[CRACKING] FOR
LIVING MY LIFE MY WAY.
Mary: OK?
[CRACKING]
OK.
NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I AM HEREBY LIBERATING
THESE LOBSTERS!
RUN! FLEE!
RUN TO THE RIVER!
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] THEY
CAN TAKE YOUR LEGS,
BUT THEY'LL NEVER
TAKE YOUR FREEDOM!
COME ON! COME ON!
RUN!
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
RUN FASTER THAN THAT.
HERE...
I'LL HELP YOU!
OH!
OW! OH!
GOOD-BYE, OLD FRIENDS.
WE'VE HAD SOME GREAT
TIMES TOGETHER, HUH?
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WEAR YOU,
BUT YOU WENT WITH EVERYTHING.
AND YOU...
YOU WERE 50% OFF WHEN WE MET.
REMEMBER THAT?
I DO.
OH! AND YOU...
YOU SILLY, FUN,
OPEN-TOED THINGS.
YOU GAVE ME BUNIONS,
BUT, DAMN, YOU MADE
MY GAMS LOOK GREAT.
I THINK I'LL MISS
YOU MOST OF ALL.
"DEAR SANDY" IS
IGNORING ME, HARRY.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"ANGRY IN AKRON," RESPONSE.
"CONFLICTED IN
CLEVELAND," RESPONSE.
SHE EVEN RESPONDS TO "YEAST
INFECTION IN YOUNGSTOWN."
OH! WHAT KIND OF PARENT NAMES
THEIR KID "YEAST INFECTION"?
LOOK AT ME.
I AM 100% ANIMAL-FREE.
NOTHING WAS KILLED IN THE
MAKING OF THESE GARMENTS.
SIR, FOLLOWING YOUR
POINTLESS AND STUPID ORDERS,
I HAVE RID THIS HOUSE
OF EVERY ANIMAL PRODUCT.
[CHOKED SOB]
MY SHOES.
GOOD WORK, LIEUTENANT.
SALLY...
ARE THOSE...
ALL YOUR SHOES?
UH-HUH.
YES. AND YOU'RE
QUITE SURE OF THAT?
EVERY SHOE YOU OWN.
YES! YES! YES!
OH, REALLY?
THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THESE?!
AAH! [SOB]
WHILE COMPLETING MY MERIT
BADGE IN WATER CONSERVATION,
I FOUND THESE...
TAPED TO THE INSIDE
OF THE TOILET TANK?!
I'VE NEVER SEEN THOSE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!
LIEUTENANT!
YOU WON'T BE NEEDING
THOSE ANYMORE.
OHH...
AS OF TODAY,
I'M ISSUING
ANIMAL-FRIENDLY FOOTGEAR.
FLIP-FLOPS?
THEY ARE VERY STYLISH,
AND THEY MAKE THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL SLAPPING SOUNDS.
YOU LIKE SLAPPING SOUNDS?
I'LL SHOW YOU SLAPPING SOUNDS.
PUT THEM ON, LIEUTENANT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M TAKING THESE
SHOES TO A COW PASTURE
TO GIVE THEM A PROPER BURIAL.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR BEING GRACIOUS ENOUGH
TO COME WITNESS
THIS MAGICAL MOMENT.
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
JUST LET THE RAT GO.
IT'S COLD OUT HERE.
IT'S A CHIPMUNK! CALL
IT WHAT IT IS, DAMN IT!
3 DAYS AGO...
AT EXACTLY 6:38 P.M.,
2 LIVES WERE FOREVER CHANGED.
BUT, IN THE AFTERMATH
OF THAT VIOLENT COLLISION,
A FLOWER OF HOPE BLOSSOMED.
AND THAT HOPE IGNITED
A FLAME OF INSPIRATION
WHICH FUELED A DESIRE
THAT INSPIRED A DREAM...
OH! OH, FOR GOD SAKES!
CHIPPY, YOUR SACRIFICE
WAS TRULY A GIFT.
YOU OPENED MY EYES TO
A WHOLE NEW WAY OF LIFE.
AND NOW I GIVE THE
GIFT OF LIFE BACK TO YOU.
GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND.
SUDDENLY THIS PLANET DOESN'T
SEEM QUITE SO CRUEL AFTER ALL.
[FALCON SHRIEKS]
LOOK AT THAT
BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC BIRD.
HEY!
HEY! YOU LEAVE HIM ALO...
HEY! RUN, CHIPPY!
RUN! YOU...
GET AWAY FROM HIM,
YOU WINGED BEAST!
[THUD]
[SQUAWK]
NICE ARM, DICK.
OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I THINK YOU JUST KILLED THAT...
ENDANGERED PEREGRINE FALCON.
I'M A MENACE TO MY
FELLOW CREATURES.
WELL, YOU CAN'T SAVE
EVERY LIVING CREATURE.
SOME LIVE, SOME DIE:
THAT'S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.
BUT THAT'S JUST
ANIMALS. WHAT ABOUT US?
WE ARE ANIMALS.
WE EAT LIKE ANIMALS, SLEEP LIKE
ANIMALS, HAVE SEX LIKE ANIMALS.
OH, YEAH. ESPECIALLY
AFTER A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.
JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU'RE AT THE TOP OF
THE FOOD CHAIN AND NOTHING EATS YOU.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ABOUT
THAT SHARK IN JAWS?
HE'S SO SCARY.
FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS JUST ONE
GIANT SAVAGE SMORGASBORD.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO BUILD A ROCKET
AND JET OFF TO SOME
KINDER, GENTLER PLANET.
OH, YEAH. NO, THAT WOULD
BE THE EASY WAY OUT.
NO, I HAVE TO FACE IT.
I'M NOTHING MORE
THAN A DEATH MACHINE.
WELL, YOU'RE ALSO
A LIFE MACHINE.
YOU CREATED A LIFE.
TOMMY.
OH, I HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH THAT.
COME ON, YOU HAD A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU,
HE WOULDN'T BE HERE.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
I DID BRING HIM.
INTO THIS WORLD, I MEAN.
SEE? LIFE HAS A WAY OF
BALANCING THINGS OUT.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MARY.
WE'RE PART OF A GREAT CYCLE.
THERE'S A TIME TO
LIVE, A TIME TO DIE.
A TIME TO SOW, A TIME TO REAP.
A TIME TO REUPHOLSTER,
AND A TIME TO KEEP THE
FURNISHINGS YOU HAVE
AND JUST BRIGHTEN THEM UP
WITH A FEW THROW PILLOWS.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUDDENLY
FEELING VERY CREATIVE.
MMM. REALLY?
DID YOU KISS THAT DEAD CHIPMUNK?
OHH!
NOT ON THE LIPS.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
A SPEAR.
I'M MAKING A SHARPENED STICK.
OH, MAN! I MUST HAVE 3 COWS'
WORTH OF SHOES IN HERE.
DICK, I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU
TO GO ON YOUR NEXT INSANE KICK
SO I CAN GET ALL NEW PANTS.
HEY, DID YOU GET ME A NEW COAT?
NO, WE JUST DUG YOUR
OLD ONE OUT OF THE TRASH.
OHH, PASTA!
AUGUST. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
"DEAR SANDY...
"I DIDN'T ASK MY
GIRLFRIEND TO THE DANCE,
"AND NOW SHE'S MAD AT ME.
"IT WAS A MISTAKE,
AND I'D DO ANYTHING IN THIS
WORLD TO MAKE HER HAPPY."
SIGNED...
"REGRETFUL IN RUTHERFORD."
IT WAS LIKE THE PEN WAS
CONNECTED STRAIGHT TO MY HEART.
SEE YOU AT THE DANCE.
SEE YOU.
NICE LETTER, TOMMY.
I DIDN'T WRITE IT.
THEN WHO DID?
A SCOUT NEVER EXPECTS
PRAISE FOR A GOOD DEED.
I MEAN, IT'S EXACTLY
YOUR STORY. IT'S UNCANNY.
I KNOW.
A GOOD DEED IS ITS OWN REWARD.
COME ON, BOYS. WHO WANTS MEAT?
I DO! I DO! I DO! I DO!
HEY!
GOOD SCOUT HERE.
MEANING, I WROTE THE LETTER.
IT WAS ME!
IT WAS ME!
MEAT.
YEP.
IT'S RED, DEAD, AND CORN-FED.
WHAT'S THAT, LIEUTENANT?
AN ANT BOMB.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S
GONNA KILL THE ANTS?
WELL, IT'S NOT WORKING SO FAR.
UM, COULD YOU PASS THE BACON?
OH. HERE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
COME ON. COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SAFE IN
HERE WITH UNCLE DICK.
DICK, WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT DOG?
SOME OLD GUY WITH DARK GLASSES
WAS PUSHING HER
DOWN THE SIDEWALK
WITH THIS METAL HANDLE.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OK! THAT'S IT.
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY
OUT OF CONTROL.
WELL...
[SCREECHING BRAKES, THUD, CRASH]
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
KNOW ABOUT THE SPRING
DANCE NEXT WEEK, RIGHT?
UH, UH... YEAH.
YEAH. WHY, YOU WANT TO GO?
I DON'T CARE.
OH. GOOD.
WAIT. SO YOU'RE NOT
ASKING ME TO THE DANCE?
NO.
AS USUAL, YOU HAVE NO CLUE.
WHAT? WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT! BUT YOU JUST SAID...
NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID.
I DISTINCTLY HEARD YOU SAY
THAT YOU DID NOT
CARE... YOU SAID... SHE...
[DOOR SLAMS]
DOESN'T SHE EVER
JUST LEAVE QUIETLY?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER.
WHAT'S TO UNDERSTAND?
KILL HER AND GET A NEW ONE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
SEE, YOU GOT TO GET A NEW ONE,
AND THEN YOU KILL HER.
JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS,
"BE PREPARED."
"THE OFFICIAL BOY
SCOUT GUIDEBOOK."
WHO ARE THE BOY SCOUTS?
THEY'RE AN ELITE, PREPUBESCENT
PARAMILITARY SOCIETY,
AND I'M GOING TO
FOLLOW THEIR WAYS.
BUT, HARRY, YOU'RE NEITHER
ELITE NOR PREPUBESCENT.
ALL IN GOOD TIME, SALLY.
ALL IN GOOD TIME.
WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THESE ANTS.
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
WELL, YOU CAN'T KILL THEM.
I'M BREEDING THEM.
OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'M GOING FOR MY MERIT BADGE
IN INSECT HUSBANDRY.
SO YOU'VE TURNED MY
KITCHEN INTO AN ANT FARM?
NO. THE ANT FARM
IS UNDER YOUR BED.
THE KITCHEN IS MORE
OF A LOUNGE AREA.
IT'S OK.
IT'S OK.
HERE WE ARE,
NICE AND SAFE.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
HELLO!
DICK'S A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED NOW?
OH, I WAS DRIVING ALONG...
RADIO BLASTING,
WIND RUSHING THROUGH
MY GORGEOUS HAIR...
WHEN SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE,
WHAA! THOOMP! OHH!
[SOBBING]
WHAT?
HE HIT A CHIPMUNK.
A CHIPMUNK?
WHAT, LIKE ONE OF
THOSE LITTLE DISNEY RATS?
WE RUSHED HIM TO THE
FINEST VETERINARIAN
IN ALL OF RUTHERFORD,
BUT IT'S TOUCH AND GO,
AND THESE DAMN DOCTORS
WON'T TELL ME WHAT'S
REALLY GOING ON.
OH, POOR CHIPPY.
YOU NAMED IT CHIPPY?
WELL, I THINK IT'S
KIND OF CATCHY.
CHIPPY THE CHIPMUNK.
CHIPPY THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK.
THE TRAGEDY OF CHIPPY
THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK.
[SOBBING]
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
OBJECT "A":
A 2,358-POUND RAMBLER AMERICAN,
FROM 1964,
TRAVELING AT 45 MILES PER HOUR
COLLIDES WITH OBJECT "B":
A TINY CHIPMUNK...
WEIGHING A MERE 8 OUNCES.
NOW, WHO CAN CALCULATE
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TOLL
THIS BLOODY
COLLISION WILL TAKE...
ON THE DRIVER?
DR. SOLOMON, YOU HIT A CHIPMUNK?
YES.
PLEASE, JUST TELL ME:
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO ASK YOU TO THE DANCE?
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO THE DANCE?
NO. I'M ASKING YOU
IF YOU WANT ME TO
ASK YOU TO THE DANCE.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
AUGUST,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
THAT DEPENDS.
ARE YOU JUST ASKING
ME 'CAUSE I'M MAD AT YOU?
YES.
DON'T BOTHER.
SO, TOMMY,
DON'T HAVE A DATE FOR THE DANCE?
WELL, UH... I'M NOT SURE.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T,
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO
FORWARD IF I ASK.
NO.
WOULD YOU GO
WITH MY FRIEND BETH?
OH!
"A PROPER TOURNIQUET
SHOULD MINIMIZE THE BLOOD FLOW
TO THE AFFECTED EXTREMITY."
THIS DANCE THING IS NUTS.
IT'S LIKE THE NFL DRAFT.
AUGUST TOOK HER
OFFER OFF THE TABLE,
SO NOW I'M A FREE AGENT,
AND IF I CAN'T CONVINCE
HER TO SIGN ME BACK,
I'M GOING TO GET DRAFTED
BY THE RUTHERFORD UGLIES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE ARBITRARY WAY
THAT HUMANS DECIDE
WHICH ANIMALS TO REVERE
AND WHICH TO EAT.
IT'S NOTHING MORE
THAN A BARBARIC
POPULARITY CONTEST.
TAKE THE KOALA BEAR:
CUTE AND CUDDLY.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF A KOALA BURGER?
A KOALA DOG?
KOALA FALAFEL?
NO.
BUT THE NOBLE COW,
WHOSE ONLY SINS ARE
HER PENDULOUS TEATS
AND REDUNDANT STOMACHS...
IS DOOMED TO BE SAWED INTO
FREEZER-FRIENDLY CHUNKS
AND SOLD BY THE POUND TO
THE BLOODTHIRSTY MASSES.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY OUT.
I GOT SOME KILLING TO DO.
WHAT?
WE GOT ANTS, SOLDIER.
Dick: ANTS? WE HAVE ANTS?
YEAH. NOT FOR LONG.
YOU'RE NOT KILLING ANYTHING.
DICK, THEY ARE
DISEASE-RIDDEN VERMIN!
THEY MUST BE EXPUNGED!
LIEUTENANT!
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN
TO HARM ONE SINGLE ANT.
NOW THAT'S A DIRECT ORDER.
I'M SORRY. WAS I ASLEEP
WHEN YOU TURNED
INTO A BIG WUSSY?
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH ME BEING A WUSSY.
CHIPPY HAS OPENED MY EYES.
AS OF TODAY, THIS APARTMENT
IS A CRUELTY-FREE ZONE.
LIEUTENANT, I ORDER YOU
TO RID THIS HOUSE OF ANY ITEMS
MADE AT THE EXPENSE OF
OUR 4-LEGGED BRETHREN.
WE SHALL HAVE NO
ANIMAL PRODUCTS,
NO ANIMAL BYPRODUCTS,
AND YOU SHALL
NOT BUY ANY ANIMAL,
BYPRODUCT, OR PRODUCTS,
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?
UH-HUH.
COME ON, MEN.
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
HELLO, RUTHERFORD ANIMAL CLINIC?
YES, THIS IS CHIPPY'S DADDY.
ARE THERE ANY SIGNS
OF IMPROVEMENT?
OH, I SEE.
WELL, DID HE GET THE BASKET
OF ACORNS I SENT OVER?
WELL, I'LL CHECK
BACK IN AN HOUR.
OH, MARY...
I THINK YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
WHAT IS IT?
CHIPPY MADE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT,
BUT THE DOCTORS SAY WHEN
HE COMES OUT OF THE COMA
HE MAY ONLY HAVE 20-30%
OF HIS TREE-CLIMBING ABILITY.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HELP IF
YOU STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT.
AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
BUT IT'S MY FAULT!
WELL... COME ON, DICK.
THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOREVER.
FIRST, MAN INVENTED THE WHEEL,
AND THEN HE INVENTED ROAD KILL.
YOU DID ALL YOU COULD.
I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T
HAVE EVEN SLOWED DOWN,
MUCH LESS STOPPED TO
PERFORM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
DICK, THERE'S SOME FRAT GUYS
OUT IN THE QUAD HARASSING A BISON!
OH, MY GOD! A BISON!
THOSE SAVAGES! DICK!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO EASY.
NINA?
I NEED A WOMAN'S POINT
OF VIEW FOR SOMETHING.
UM, MY GIRLFRIEND'S
NOT SPEAKING TO ME
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
ASK HER TO A DANCE.
MMM. SEND HER FLOWERS.
SHE ONCE TOLD ME THAT
FLOWERS REMINDED HER
OF THE MORBID STENCH OF DEATH.
OK. WELL, HOW ABOUT A GIFT?
MAYBE A NICE MAKEUP KIT?
SHE SEES MAKEUP AS A WAY
FOR THE ARROGANT MISOGYNISTS
TO DECORATE THE WOMEN THEY OWN
AND TURN THEM INTO, YOU
KNOW, LIKE VACUOUS PLAYTHINGS.
OH, I BET YOU TWO
HAVE A LOT OF FUN.
WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S
ALL YOU'VE GOT?
WELL, WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, "DEAR SANDY"?
WHO'S "DEAR SANDY"?
THE ADVICE LADY FROM THE PAPER.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, "DEAR SANDY,
"I'M A WHINY LITTLE TEENAGER
WITH GIRLFRIEND PROBLEMS,
"AND THE ONLY PERSON
I CAN BUG ABOUT IT
IS MY DAD'S STUNNING
NUBIAN SECRETARY."
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH. COULD
YOU WRITE THAT DOWN FOR ME?
SURE. YOU MEAN THE
"STUNNING NUBIAN" PART?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS.
GETTING RID OF ALL
THE MEAT PRODUCTS.
MMM, I CAN'T WATCH.
WAIT. JUST A SECOND.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
MMM, BINOCULARS.
NO. THE COAT.
MY COAT?
YEAH. IT'S FUR.
ANIMAL FUR. GIVE ME THE COAT.
NO!
NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED
IN THE MAKING OF THIS COAT.
YEAH, I'M SURE SOME
LLAMA JUST UNZIPPED HIS FUR
AND SAID, "THANK GOD HARRY
SOLOMON WON'T BE COLD THIS WINTER."
THAT'S PLAUSIBLE.
AAH!
AN ORDER'S AN ORDER.
AAH!
SHUT UP.
OK.
[BEEPING]
OH, HEY, EXCUSE ME.
IT'S AFTER 6:00. YOU CAN GIVE
MY CHIPMUNK THE PAIN SHOT NOW.
DR. SOLOMON, I WAS GOING TO.
OH, GOOD. GO AHEAD.
JUST A FEW MINUTES.
WELL, PLEASE, IT'S AFTER 6:00.
IT'S AFTER 6:00. I DON'T SEE
WHY HE SHOULD HAVE THIS PAIN.
SIR? I WILL GET
TO IT IN A MINUTE.
IT'S TIME FOR HIS SHOT!
YOU UNDERSTAND? DO SOMETHING!
HE ONLY HAD TO
HOLD OUT UNTIL 6:00,
AND IT'S PAST 6:00!
HE'S IN PAIN! MY
CHIPMUNK IS IN PAIN!
GIVE HIM THE SHOT,
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BEHAVE.
GIVE MY CHIPMUNK THE SHOT!
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.
THE RABBIT COMES
OUT OF THE HOLE...
RUNS ROUND THE TREE...
WINKS AT THE SAILOR...
FINDS GOD...
AND VOILÄ!
A PERFECT STRAIGHT KNOT.
HARRY, I NEED YOUR OPINION.
READ MY "DEAR SANDY" LETTER.
I CHANGED SOME OF THE
SPECIFICS SO NOBODY KNOWS IT'S ME.
"I HAVE A PROBLEM.
"MY GIRLFRIEND...
I'LL CALL HER BETTY,
"WANTS ME TO ASK
HER TO THE DANCE.
I, BEING A WEALTHY
KOREAN BUSINESSMAN..."
THIS IS CRAP.
PARDON MY KOREAN.
WHAT'S THAT?
SANDWICH.
WHAT'S IN IT?
LETTUCE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
SEARCH THAT SANDWICH.
LETTUCE, BREAD...
WHAT'S THIS?
MAYONNAISE?
SO?
MAYONNAISE HAS EGGS IN IT.
EGGS ARE NOT MEAT.
WELL, THEY WOULD BE
IF YOU DIDN'T KILL
THEM FOR MAYONNAISE!
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
DESTROY THIS CONTRABAND.
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOE?
NO. MAYONNAISE.
NO, NO. IT'S LEATHER.
YOUR SHOES ARE MADE OF LEATHER,
AND LEATHER SHOES
COME FROM LEATHER COWS.
LISTEN, EASY THERE, HOT ROD.
LET'S NOT GET CRAZY ABOUT THIS.
MAYBE I GOT A
LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
HERE, HARRY, HAVE
YOUR SANDWICH BACK!
I THINK DICK MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE
A LITTLE LOOK IN YOUR CLOSET.
YES! NO!
OH...
THE SALAD BAR IS
FANTASTIC, MARY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE'LL
EVER GET TIRED OF EATING THIS WAY.
BEETS, CAULIFLOWER,
SEASONED CROUTONS,
PLAIN CROUTONS...
DID I MENTION BEETS?
YEAH.
AND THE PEOPLE
THERE ARE SO NICE...
WHAT? OH, NO.
YOU ORDERED SURF AND TURF,
AND THEY BROUGHT
YOU STEAK AND LOBSTER.
WAITER!
DICK, THAT'S WHAT
SURF AND TURF IS.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WAS WATER AND GRASS.
NO... NO.
MARY, HOW COULD YOU?
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO CHIPPY?
I'M NOT EATING CHIPPY.
NOT NOW, BUT WHERE
WILL THIS CARNAGE END?
DICK, SIT DOWN AND
EAT YOUR BEETS.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT YOU HAVE MADE THIS
WONDERFUL LIFE-CHANGING DECISION,
[SHELL CRACKING] BUT I...
BUT I WILL NOT SIT HERE
AND LET YOU BERATE ME
[CRACKING] FOR
LIVING MY LIFE MY WAY.
Mary: OK?
[CRACKING]
OK.
NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I AM HEREBY LIBERATING
THESE LOBSTERS!
RUN! FLEE!
RUN TO THE RIVER!
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] THEY
CAN TAKE YOUR LEGS,
BUT THEY'LL NEVER
TAKE YOUR FREEDOM!
COME ON! COME ON!
RUN!
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
RUN FASTER THAN THAT.
HERE...
I'LL HELP YOU!
OH!
OW! OH!
GOOD-BYE, OLD FRIENDS.
WE'VE HAD SOME GREAT
TIMES TOGETHER, HUH?
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WEAR YOU,
BUT YOU WENT WITH EVERYTHING.
AND YOU...
YOU WERE 50% OFF WHEN WE MET.
REMEMBER THAT?
I DO.
OH! AND YOU...
YOU SILLY, FUN,
OPEN-TOED THINGS.
YOU GAVE ME BUNIONS,
BUT, DAMN, YOU MADE
MY GAMS LOOK GREAT.
I THINK I'LL MISS
YOU MOST OF ALL.
"DEAR SANDY" IS
IGNORING ME, HARRY.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"ANGRY IN AKRON," RESPONSE.
"CONFLICTED IN
CLEVELAND," RESPONSE.
SHE EVEN RESPONDS TO "YEAST
INFECTION IN YOUNGSTOWN."
OH! WHAT KIND OF PARENT NAMES
THEIR KID "YEAST INFECTION"?
LOOK AT ME.
I AM 100% ANIMAL-FREE.
NOTHING WAS KILLED IN THE
MAKING OF THESE GARMENTS.
SIR, FOLLOWING YOUR
POINTLESS AND STUPID ORDERS,
I HAVE RID THIS HOUSE
OF EVERY ANIMAL PRODUCT.
[CHOKED SOB]
MY SHOES.
GOOD WORK, LIEUTENANT.
SALLY...
ARE THOSE...
ALL YOUR SHOES?
UH-HUH.
YES. AND YOU'RE
QUITE SURE OF THAT?
EVERY SHOE YOU OWN.
YES! YES! YES!
OH, REALLY?
THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THESE?!
AAH! [SOB]
WHILE COMPLETING MY MERIT
BADGE IN WATER CONSERVATION,
I FOUND THESE...
TAPED TO THE INSIDE
OF THE TOILET TANK?!
I'VE NEVER SEEN THOSE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!
LIEUTENANT!
YOU WON'T BE NEEDING
THOSE ANYMORE.
OHH...
AS OF TODAY,
I'M ISSUING
ANIMAL-FRIENDLY FOOTGEAR.
FLIP-FLOPS?
THEY ARE VERY STYLISH,
AND THEY MAKE THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL SLAPPING SOUNDS.
YOU LIKE SLAPPING SOUNDS?
I'LL SHOW YOU SLAPPING SOUNDS.
PUT THEM ON, LIEUTENANT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M TAKING THESE
SHOES TO A COW PASTURE
TO GIVE THEM A PROPER BURIAL.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR BEING GRACIOUS ENOUGH
TO COME WITNESS
THIS MAGICAL MOMENT.
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
JUST LET THE RAT GO.
IT'S COLD OUT HERE.
IT'S A CHIPMUNK! CALL
IT WHAT IT IS, DAMN IT!
3 DAYS AGO...
AT EXACTLY 6:38 P.M.,
2 LIVES WERE FOREVER CHANGED.
BUT, IN THE AFTERMATH
OF THAT VIOLENT COLLISION,
A FLOWER OF HOPE BLOSSOMED.
AND THAT HOPE IGNITED
A FLAME OF INSPIRATION
WHICH FUELED A DESIRE
THAT INSPIRED A DREAM...
OH! OH, FOR GOD SAKES!
CHIPPY, YOUR SACRIFICE
WAS TRULY A GIFT.
YOU OPENED MY EYES TO
A WHOLE NEW WAY OF LIFE.
AND NOW I GIVE THE
GIFT OF LIFE BACK TO YOU.
GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND.
SUDDENLY THIS PLANET DOESN'T
SEEM QUITE SO CRUEL AFTER ALL.
[FALCON SHRIEKS]
LOOK AT THAT
BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC BIRD.
HEY!
HEY! YOU LEAVE HIM ALO...
HEY! RUN, CHIPPY!
RUN! YOU...
GET AWAY FROM HIM,
YOU WINGED BEAST!
[THUD]
[SQUAWK]
NICE ARM, DICK.
OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I THINK YOU JUST KILLED THAT...
ENDANGERED PEREGRINE FALCON.
I'M A MENACE TO MY
FELLOW CREATURES.
WELL, YOU CAN'T SAVE
EVERY LIVING CREATURE.
SOME LIVE, SOME DIE:
THAT'S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.
BUT THAT'S JUST
ANIMALS. WHAT ABOUT US?
WE ARE ANIMALS.
WE EAT LIKE ANIMALS, SLEEP LIKE
ANIMALS, HAVE SEX LIKE ANIMALS.
OH, YEAH. ESPECIALLY
AFTER A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.
JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU'RE AT THE TOP OF
THE FOOD CHAIN AND NOTHING EATS YOU.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ABOUT
THAT SHARK IN JAWS?
HE'S SO SCARY.
FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS JUST ONE
GIANT SAVAGE SMORGASBORD.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO BUILD A ROCKET
AND JET OFF TO SOME
KINDER, GENTLER PLANET.
OH, YEAH. NO, THAT WOULD
BE THE EASY WAY OUT.
NO, I HAVE TO FACE IT.
I'M NOTHING MORE
THAN A DEATH MACHINE.
WELL, YOU'RE ALSO
A LIFE MACHINE.
YOU CREATED A LIFE.
TOMMY.
OH, I HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH THAT.
COME ON, YOU HAD A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU,
HE WOULDN'T BE HERE.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
I DID BRING HIM.
INTO THIS WORLD, I MEAN.
SEE? LIFE HAS A WAY OF
BALANCING THINGS OUT.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MARY.
WE'RE PART OF A GREAT CYCLE.
THERE'S A TIME TO
LIVE, A TIME TO DIE.
A TIME TO SOW, A TIME TO REAP.
A TIME TO REUPHOLSTER,
AND A TIME TO KEEP THE
FURNISHINGS YOU HAVE
AND JUST BRIGHTEN THEM UP
WITH A FEW THROW PILLOWS.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUDDENLY
FEELING VERY CREATIVE.
MMM. REALLY?
DID YOU KISS THAT DEAD CHIPMUNK?
OHH!
NOT ON THE LIPS.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
A SPEAR.
I'M MAKING A SHARPENED STICK.
OH, MAN! I MUST HAVE 3 COWS'
WORTH OF SHOES IN HERE.
DICK, I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU
TO GO ON YOUR NEXT INSANE KICK
SO I CAN GET ALL NEW PANTS.
HEY, DID YOU GET ME A NEW COAT?
NO, WE JUST DUG YOUR
OLD ONE OUT OF THE TRASH.
OHH, PASTA!
AUGUST. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
"DEAR SANDY...
"I DIDN'T ASK MY
GIRLFRIEND TO THE DANCE,
"AND NOW SHE'S MAD AT ME.
"IT WAS A MISTAKE,
AND I'D DO ANYTHING IN THIS
WORLD TO MAKE HER HAPPY."
SIGNED...
"REGRETFUL IN RUTHERFORD."
IT WAS LIKE THE PEN WAS
CONNECTED STRAIGHT TO MY HEART.
SEE YOU AT THE DANCE.
SEE YOU.
NICE LETTER, TOMMY.
I DIDN'T WRITE IT.
THEN WHO DID?
A SCOUT NEVER EXPECTS
PRAISE FOR A GOOD DEED.
I MEAN, IT'S EXACTLY
YOUR STORY. IT'S UNCANNY.
I KNOW.
A GOOD DEED IS ITS OWN REWARD.
COME ON, BOYS. WHO WANTS MEAT?
I DO! I DO! I DO! I DO!
HEY!
GOOD SCOUT HERE.
MEANING, I WROTE THE LETTER.
IT WAS ME!
IT WAS ME!
MEAT.
YEP.
IT'S RED, DEAD, AND CORN-FED.
WHAT'S THAT, LIEUTENANT?
AN ANT BOMB.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S
GONNA KILL THE ANTS?
WELL, IT'S NOT WORKING SO FAR.
UM, COULD YOU PASS THE BACON?
OH. HERE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
COME ON. COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SAFE IN
HERE WITH UNCLE DICK.
DICK, WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT DOG?
SOME OLD GUY WITH DARK GLASSES
WAS PUSHING HER
DOWN THE SIDEWALK
WITH THIS METAL HANDLE.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OK! THAT'S IT.
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY
OUT OF CONTROL.
WELL...
[SCREECHING BRAKES, THUD, CRASH]
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE