3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 19 - Dick Behaving Badly - full transcript

What everybody already knew, finally gets to Dick: Mary has him henpecked! He asks Harry to learn how to become a real man that doesn't take orders from his woman and they end in a strip club where the guys of Dick's class have a bachelor party while Dick should actually be at a party at Mary's house he himself organized. Meanwhile Sally and Tommy are frantically playing monopoly.

GOOD MORNING, HARRY.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

NEW CEREAL.

"MONOPOLY"?

FINALLY, A CEREAL
ABOUT REAL ESTATE.

UH, HARRY, THAT'S
A GAME, LIKE "LIFE."

LIFE'S A CEREAL, TOO.

AND A MAGAZINE.

AND A BOWL OF CHERRIES,

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE EATING
LITTLE PLASTIC HOUSES.



PLASTIC, NO.

THESE HOUSES ARE JUST STALE.

STALE PLASTIC.

SALLY, DID YOU TAKE MY BLUE
SUIT TO THE DRY CLEANERS?

OH, NO. IT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE,

SO I DRY-CLEANED
IT MYSELF. HERE.

I THINK I MAY HAVE
SANDED OFF A BUTTON, BUT...

YOU RUINED THIS SUIT!

I KNEW YOU WERE
GOING TO SAY THAT.

MARY WANTS ME TO WEAR THIS
TO OUR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.

WAIT. DON'T YOU MEAN HER PARTY?

NO, OURS. IT'S THE FIRST
PARTY WE'RE HOSTING TOGETHER!

SO EXACTLY WHICH PART
OF THE PARTY IS YOURS?

OH, I'M IN CHARGE OF
THE HORS D'OEUVRES.



I'VE CHOSEN MINIATURE EGG ROLLS.

OH. WELL, YOU KNOW
BROWN GOES WITH EGG ROLLS.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR
YOUR BROWN SUIT?

NO. MARY WANTS THE BLUE!

IF MARY WANTS THE
BLUE, MARY GETS THE BLUE.

UH, PERMISSION TO STATE THE
OBVIOUS, HIGH COMMANDER?

PERMISSION GRANTED.

YOU ARE SO WHIPPED.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, DICK.
WHIPPED LIKE PUDDIN'.

PUDDING WHIPPED?

I AM NOT PUDDING WHIPPED!

THAT WOMAN TELLS YOU HOW TO ACT.

AND WHAT TO SAY.

AND WHAT TO THINK.

AND HOW TO ACT.

I SAID THAT.

I KNOW. I JUST WANTED IN.

I WILL SAY THIS
ONCE AND ONCE ONLY.

I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER, AND
NOBODY HAS CONTROL OVER MY LIFE,

ESPECIALLY MARY.
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

All: YES, SIR.

GOOD. SALLY, POUR
ME A CUP OF COFFEE

AND A BOWL OF MONOPOLY.

BUT, SIR...

UH-UH-UH-UH. UH-UH.

THE HIGH COMMANDER HAS SPOKEN.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

NINA, DO YOU THINK I'M...

WHIPPED?

WHIPPED?

I... I... I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY.

BY DR. ALBRIGHT?

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

DR. SOLOMON...

YES, NINA?

YOU ARE WRAPPED AROUND
THAT WOMAN'S FINGER LIKE A YO-YO.

AND SHE IS ALWAYS
WALKIN' THE DOG.

MARY, WE NEED TO TALK.

CAN IT WAIT? I'M LATE FOR CLASS.

I WILL NOT BE
WEARING MY BLUE SUIT

TO OUR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.

THAT'S OK.

YOU'RE POSITIVE? IT'S ALL RIGHT?

SURE.

OH, GREAT.

THAT'S GREAT!

I'LL WEAR MY BROWN SUIT.

AH, NO, NO, NO.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR
BLUE BLAZER AND KHAKIS?

OK.

AND YOU REALLY SHOULD GET A
HAIRCUT BEFORE TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU CAN GO AT LUNCH.

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I'LL GO AT 2:00.

DAMN!

5.

1, 2, 3, 4...

HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE TOP HAT.

I'M THE TOP HAT.
YOU'RE THE BOOT.

I'M NOT THE BOOT.

HARRY, WHO'S THE BOOT?

SALLY SAID THAT SHE
WANTED TO BE THE BOOT

BECAUSE IT REMINDED
HER OF A BOOT.

FINE, I'M A BOOT.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. COMMUNITY CHEST.

"YOU HAVE WON SECOND
PRIZE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST.

COLLECT $10."

OOH, $10. YOU MUST
BE REAL PRETTY.

YEAH, PRETTY CLOSE TO
OWNING YOUR KNOBBY BUTT.

NOW ROLL THE DICE, YOU
LONG-HAIRED ALIEN FREAK.

9.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

Harry: "GO TO JAIL."

GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200,

AND DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT

DROP THE SOAP.

AND SO YOU WILL SEE
THAT "A" EQUALS DV OVER DT,

WHICH EQUALS "D"
OVER DT ENCLOSED...

[LAUGHTER]

OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU FIND

NEWTON'S LAWS IN VECTOR NOTATION

AS HILARIOUSLY
MISCONCEIVED AS I DO.

THAT'S NOT WHY THEY'RE
LAUGHING, DR. SOLOMON.

THEY'RE LAUGHING
BECAUSE OF THIS.

A WOMAN IN A COCKTAIL DRESS?

TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN.

OH, MY!

I'M SORRY.

I'LL HAVE TO CONFISCATE
THIS UNTIL I'M THROUGH WITH IT.

DR. SOLOMON. I NEED THAT BACK.

IT'S FOR MY BROTHER'S
BACHELOR PARTY.

BACHELOR PARTY?

YEAH. HE'S GETTING MARRIED,

AND ALL THE GUYS ARE
TAKING HIM TO A STRIP CLUB.

STRIP CLUB?

ROY'S HOUSE OF CLASS.

WHY WASN'T I INVITED?

BUT, DR. SOLOMON, IT'S
JUST A PATHETIC EXCUSE

FOR GUYS TO GET TOGETHER
AND BEHAVE LIKE PIGS.

SO WHY WASN'T I INVITED?

WELL, DR. SOLOMON, WE JUST
DIDN'T THINK THAT MAYBE YOU...

YOU THINK THAT I'M TOO WHIPPED

TO GO TO YOUR
TWISTED LITTLE SOIREE?

SORRY, DR. SOLOMON, BUT...

APOLOGY ACCEPTED. JUST TELL
ME WHERE IT IS AND I'LL BE THERE.

WELL, UM, WE DON'T
EXACTLY HAVE A TIME SET...

YEAH, WE'RE NOT REALLY
EVEN SURE WHAT THE WIND AND...

8:00 TOMORROW NIGHT.

WELL, HE WAS
STARING RIGHT AT ME.

FRIDAY NIGHT, 8:00.

ROY'S HOUSE OF CLASS.

OW!

OW!

OW! AAH!

NEXT TIME MY ANSWER IS PAPER.

OH, DICK, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

TOMORROW NIGHT WOULD YOU
KEEP AN EYE ON SAUL TALBERT?

LAST PARTY, I THINK HE
TRIED ON SOME OF MY TEDDIES.

THEY WERE STRETCHED
OUT AND SCRUNCHED UP.

DON'T OPEN THOSE.

I WANT THEM FRESH
FOR THE TAPENADE.

IF I HAD SOMETHING I HAD
TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT,

SOMETHING ELSE,

YOU'D UNDERSTAND, WOULDN'T YOU?

DICK, WE'VE BEEN PLANNING
THIS PARTY FOR WEEKS.

ALL YOUR BORING PHYSICS
FRIENDS ARE COMING.

WELL, BUT IT... BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY...
AN EMERGENCY BACHELOR PARTY

AT ROY'S HOUSE OF CLASS.

WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?

BUG'S BROTHER FRED.

OR FRANK OR SOMETHING.

YOU'RE GOING TO ABANDON ME

TO GO TO A PARTY FOR
SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW?

PITMAN'S GOING.

THIS WHOLE PARTY WAS YOUR IDEA!

NO, IT WASN'T.

YES, IT WAS!

YES, IT WAS! NO, IT WASN'T!

WE WERE AT THE SEA
SHANTY WITH THE SULLIVANS.

YOU WERE HAVING CRAB
CAKES, WHICH YOU HATED.

THEY SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO THE KID AT THE NEXT TABLE.

YOU JUMPED UP AND SAID, "I
WANT TO HAVE A PARTY, TOO!"

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE!

DICK, THIS IS YOUR PARTY.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH THOSE PHYSICS GUYS.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THEM!

FINE! I'LL BE HERE!

WHO NEEDS FUN ANYWAY?

I WANT TENNESSEE.

YOU ALREADY OWN THE
RAILROADS AND ALL THE UTILITIES.

I NEED TENNESSEE. I NEED IT BAD.

YOU JUST NEED TO BE
THE BIG MAN, DON'T YOU?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, TOMMY?

IT'S THE LITTLE ONES...

THE ONES WHO LABORED TO BUILD HOUSES
ON THE BALTICS AND THE MEDITERRANEANS,

THE ONES WHO PAY SCHOOL
TAXES AND PROPERTY TAXES,

THE ONES WHO ARE HAPPY JUST TO
GET A BANK ERROR IN THEIR FAVOR,

THEY'RE THE ONES, TOMMY,

THE ONES WHO OWN THIS COUNTRY!

I'LL GIVE YOU $400 AND MY
"GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAVE MADE A COMMAND DECISION.

I AM NO LONGER WHIPPED.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE
A CATHOLIC SCHOOLBOY,

ALWAYS GETTING HIS KNUCKLES
RAPPED BY THE NUN HE'S DATING.

SO WHAT'S SISTER MARY
ALBRIGHT GONNA SAY TO THAT?

SHE'LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT

BECAUSE I'M THE MAN.

I'M STRONGER THAN SHE IS.

I HAVE A LARGER CRANIUM.

I'M FAR MORE LIKELY
TO GO TO PRISON.

I'M A MAN!

NOW IF I COULD JUST FIND
SOMEONE WHO CAN TEACH ME

HOW TO ACT LIKE ONE.

TOMMY?

I'M SORRY.

BUT BEFORE YOU TEACH
HIM HOW TO BE A MAN,

SHOULDN'T YOU GET
AUGUST'S PERMISSION FIRST?

SHE TOLD ME NOT TO CALL
HER UNTIL AFTER DINNER.

PROBLEM IS THAT YOU'VE BOTH
HAD YOUR MASCULINE ENERGY

SAPPED BY BLONDE
SHIKSA GODDESSES.

GUESS THAT MAKES ME THE
ONLY REAL MAN IN THE ROOM.

NOT EVEN SALLY
COULD MAKE THAT CLAIM.

THAT'S TRUE. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WHO, ME?

[BELCHES]

BY KEEPING IT REAL, DICK.

KEEPING IT REAL.

YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME?

FOLLOW ME.

SO, UM, YOU WANNA WATCH THE
PENCIL-NECKED LEADING THE HENPECKED?

SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE FORFEITING.

'CAUSE EITHER YOU'RE ROLLING
THESE DICE OR YOU'RE FORFEITING.

HAH! FREE PARKING, LOSER!

DAMN!

FIRST OF ALL, YOU
NEED A MANLY NAME.

DICK IS SO... GIRLY.

YOU NEED SOMETHING
HIP, SOMETHING SEXY.

SOMETHING THAT
SAYS "I'M A REAL MAN."

SOMETHING LIKE...

MANNY.

HARLEY.

TUBBY.

BATMAN.

HOW ABOUT...

SOLO-MONE?

OOH! I LIKE THAT!

DICK SOLO-MONE.

HI. I'M DICK SOLO-MONE.

HOW MUCH ARE THOSE PLIERS?

NO! NO!

DON'T LOOK AT YOUR
FINGERNAILS LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT MANLY.

THIS WAY.

MANLY.

NOT MANLY.

VERY MANLY.

MANLY, NO.

MANLY, YES.

HOW ABOUT SCRATCHING?

OUTSIDE THE PANTS? MANLY.

INSIDE THE PANTS?

TOO MANLY.

THIS IS SO HARD, HARRY.

HOW DOES A REAL
MAN KNOW WHAT TO DO?

OH! LOOK DEEP INSIDE YOURSELF.

FIND YOUR PRIMAL INSTINCTS.

[GRUNTING]

GRRR...

NOW LET IT COME OUT.

SLOWLY.

GRRR...

GRRR...

NOW LET IT GO! LET IT GO!

HEY, BABY, WHAT'S SHAKIN'?

THERE YOU GO.

NOW...

WALK THE WALK.

NOW TALK THE TALK.

HEY, MAMA.

I GOT ANTS IN MY PANTS,

AND THEY MAKE ME
DO THE HULA DANCE.

YOU DA MAN.

NO, YOU DA MAN. NO, YOU DA MAN.

NO, YOU DA MAN. NO, YOU DA MAN.

DAMN IT, HARRY, I'M
THE HIGH COMMANDER!

IF I SAY YOU DA MAN, YOU DA MAN!

OK, OK.

I'M DA MAN.

HELLO, LADIES.

HEY, JUDITH.

DO THOSE FRIES COME WITH SOUP?

I'D SUE HIM IF I KNEW WHAT
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

OW!

HEY... DID IT HURT?

WHAT?

WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN?

OHH!

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

THAT'S THE SCENT OF A MAN...

AND BRUT.

GO HOME AND TAKE A SHOWER.

USE STEEL WOOL.

THE PARTY'S TONIGHT.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M
COMING TO OUR LITTLE PARTY?

THIS EL DORADO IS LEAVING
FOR ROY'S HOUSE OF CLASS.

IS THIS A TEST TO SEE
HOW PISSED I COULD GET?

OH, COME ON, MARY.
YOU CAN'T RUN MY LIFE.

YOUR WHAT? I HAVE
TO BE MY OWN MAN!

FINE. GO AHEAD.

GO TO THE HOUSE OF CLASS.

LEAVE ME ALONE TO
ENTERTAIN YOUR FRIENDS.

THANKS! I WILL!

THAT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

OH!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE
ME MARVIN GARDENS,

I'M GIVING YOU WATERWORKS
AND ST. CHARLES.

I DON'T WANT WATERWORKS.

I'M GIVING YOU
WATERWORKS, ST. CHARLES,

I'M GIVING YOU $200.
YOU'RE TAKING THE DEAL.

I'M NOT TAKING THE DEAL.

$400! TAKE THE DEAL!

$500! DEAL!

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS DEAL.

TOMMY, DICK AND I ARE
GOING TO THE BACHELOR PARTY.

YOU WANNA COME?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
TIME FOR STRIPPERS?

I'M PLAYING FREAKIN'
MONOPOLY HERE!

COME ON, HARRY.

LET'S MAKE LIKE A
BANANA SPLIT AND LEAVE.

BOY, DON'T YOU LOOK STUPID.

YOU'RE JUST UPSET

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE
PRETENDING TO BE MY SISTER

AND CAN'T GET ANY PLAY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

HEY, DICK, WHY DON'T YOU SLIP
ONE OF THESE IN YOUR WALLET?

MIGHT COME IN HANDY.

A MOIST TOWELETTE?

IN CASE THEY SERVE RIBS.

[HOWLING]

OH, MY GOD, I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

OK, DICK, THE THING ABOUT THESE
WOMEN IS YOU GOTTA PLAY IT COOL.

JUST IGNORE 'EM. PRETEND
THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE.

CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO DRINK?

OH, MAN, SOLOMON'S HERE.

HI THERE.

WELL, HELLO,

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BUY
A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE?

HOW MUCH?

$75.

WHAT, FOR A BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE? ARE YOU CRAZY?

HOW ABOUT IF I SIT DOWN
AND DRINK IT WITH YOU?

WELL, THEN YOU
SHOULD BUY IT YOURSELF.

AT LEAST PAY FOR HALF.

I GOTTA... I GOTTA PASS GO.

ROLL THE DICE.

I'M DOWN TO NOTHING, TOMMY.

I GOTTA PASS GO.

SALLY, THE DICE ARE GONNA
DO WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO.

LET 'EM FLY.

BOARDWALK.

NOOOOOOO!

WITH A HOTEL, THAT'S $2,000.

I ONLY GOT $600, TOMMY.

$600.

MORTGAGE ANOTHER PROPERTY.

I MORTGAGED 'EM ALL.

REALLY?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THAT MEANS I LOST?

NO.

NO?

IT MEANS I WON!

I WON!

OH, YOU'RE THE WARRIOR.

YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN ANYTHING,

BUT NOT THIS TIME, PALLY!

THIS TIME YOU'RE THE LOSER!

OH, SALLY, SALLY,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THE BEST PART IS?

WHAT?

THE LOSER CLEANS UP.

FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU...

HEY.

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING]

HEY, THAT FELT GOOD.

OH, YEAH, YEAH!

YOU'RE A WOMAN,
YOU'RE HALF NAKED.

I'M A GUY. YEAH, I GET IT.

ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF?

OH, YEAH.

YOU THINK WE'VE
PARTIED LONG ENOUGH?

OH, YEAH.

WE'VE BEEN HERE ALMOST...

WOW. 12 MINUTES.

HOW LONG DO YOU
THINK WE HAVE TO STAY

SO THESE GUYS DON'T
THINK WE'RE, UH, YOU KNOW.

WOMEN? YEAH.

5 SECONDS.

OH, YEAH!

WALK THAT AROUND.

SHAKE THAT THING.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

COME TO PAPA, OW!

OW!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

UH-HUH.

UH-UH.

UH-HUH.

MARY, SETTLE THIS ONE FOR US.

WHO IS THE MORE
ORIGINAL PHYSICIST?

NIELS BOHR OR MAX PLANCK?

PLANCK.

DEFINITELY PLANCK.

THERE'S SO MUCH FOOD
HERE, IT'S LIKE A WHITE HOLE

AND THE BLACK
HOLE IS AT THE A&P.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

GREAT.

MARY, THESE ARE THE DULLEST
PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET.

THEY MAKE MY MOTHER
LOOK LIKE RIP TAYLOR.

GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE TO GO WAKE UP.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO, MARY.

OH, DICK, WHAT A SURPRISE.

I'D INVITE YOU IN, BUT THERE'S NO
ONE TAKING THEIR CLOTHES OFF IN HERE.

OF COURSE, AT THIS POINT
ANYTHING WOULD HELP.

MARY, I'M BACK, AND I'M
WILLING TO FORGIVE YOU

FOR TRYING TO RUN MY LIFE.

GOOD-BYE, DICK.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

MARY, WHAT I MEANT WAS, I WANT TO
APOLOGIZE FOR REACTING SO POORLY

WHEN YOU TRIED TO RUN MY LIFE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, MARY,
PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME.

I... I'M SORRY. I WAS
ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.

I DIDN'T BELONG AT
THAT CLUB TONIGHT.

I BELONGED HERE WITH YOU.

CAN'T I COME IN?

DICK, IT WILL BE A LONG TIME

BEFORE I LET YOU BACK INTO
MY LIFE, MUCH LESS MY HOUSE.

MARY, MARY.

WE'RE ABOUT TO PLAY A.P.C.

A.P.C.?

ASTROPHYSICS CHARADES.

OK, YOU'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.

HI, EVERYONE.

WOW.

WHAT A ROOM FULL OF WEIRDOS.

SO, YOU TWO TOGETHER?

OK, OK, READY.

BOOK?

TEXTBOOK?

JOURNAL?

THEORY?

24 WORDS.

Woman: FIRST WORD.

Man: SMALL WORD.

Second Man: SECOND WORD.

THE NUMBER 2.

Man: SECOND WORD.

SKY?

COSMOS?

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

BIG GIANT HEAD.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OH, OH, OH, ALIEN! I'M AN ALIEN!

NO!

REVOLUTION?

UH, INERTIA?

OH, OH, 2 CELESTIAL
BODIES OF EQUAL MASS

SHARING A SINGLE
GRAVITATIONAL FIELD

WILL EXHIBIT IDENTICAL
ROTATIONAL PROPERTIES

FOR AS LONG AS THEIR INERTIAL
INTEGRITY IS MAINTAINED.

YES!

DICK, THIS... THIS IS THE PHYSICS
BLOWOUT OF THE SEMESTER.

Dick: OK,

WHO'S UP FOR QUANTUM PICTIONARY?

MEN. YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,

NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

GOOD NIGHT, MARY.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

OK, PROFESSOR PLUM

DID IT IN THE LIBRARY
WITH A PILLOW.

A PILLOW?

YOU CAN KILL
SOMEONE WITH A PILLOW.

THERE'S NO PILLOW IN CLUE.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES
IT SO INGENIOUS.

I'VE ELIMINATED THE LIBRARY AND THE
BILLIARD ROOM, AND I'M PRETTY SURE...

HEY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT AM I DOING
PLAYING BOARD GAMES?

OH, MY.

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