3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 17 - Same Old Song and Dick - full transcript
Dick tries to spice up his relationship with Mary because he feels they are in a rut. Sally and Harry switch functions after a quarrel. Harry really likes doing the housework and the fact he now has a function, not realizing he's not very good at it though. Sally feels miserable just watching TV all day and wants her old job back. Tommy is agitated by the fact August is perfect.
GO TO HIM, FRANCESCA.
GET IN HIS TRUCK.
GET IN HIS TRUCK AND
RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
DOH! DAMN!
THESE STUPID BOOKS NEVER
END THE WAY I WANT THEM TO.
LIEUTENANT.
SIR.
REWRITE THIS BOOK SO THAT
FRANCESCA RUNS OFF WITH ROBERT.
WHAT? THAT'S NOT IN
MY JOB DESCRIPTION.
BUT THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
"SALLY, MAKE DINNER,
SALLY, DO THE LAUNDRY,
SALLY, REWRITE THIS
INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER."
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
DOING THIS CRAPPY JOB DAY IN AND DAY OUT
THAT MAKES ME
WANT TO KILL MYSELF...
AND YOU.
WELL, SALLY, I'M TIRED
OF HEARING YOU COMPLAIN.
I MEAN, I'M NOT APPRECIATED...
SHUT UP.
ALL RIGHTY.
NO, SALLY, NO.
I MEAN, I HAVE A
DIFFICULT JOB, TOO.
AND... AND... I THINK THAT
YOU SHOULD SHUT UP.
WHAT IS YOUR JOB EXACTLY?
I AM THE SPONGE.
I KNOW MANY THINGS.
LIKE WHAT, O GREAT SPONGE?
OK. LIKE HOW MANY BAGS OF TRASH
DO OUR NEIGHBORS
PRODUCE PER WEEK?
WHAT ARE BARNEY'S
FRIENDS' NAMES?
HIS REAL FRIENDS.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO
GET TO THE CENTER OF A MARBLE?
YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YA?
WELL, HE'S GOT YOU THERE.
YEAH, HE SURE DOES.
BUT, HARRY, I DO ALL THE SHOPPING,
COOKING, CLEANING, BANKING,
AND THE KILLING OF ALL SPIDERS.
HA! SPIDERS. SPIDERS ARE MORE
AFRAID OF US THAN WE ARE OF THEM.
HARRY, THERE'S A
SPIDER ON YOUR NECK.
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
HA! THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
HARRY, YOU COULD
NEVER HANDLE MY JOB.
I COULD DO IT WITH
MY EYES CLOSED.
YOU DO EVERYTHING
WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.
OK. OK, BIG GUY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
YOU AND I TRADE JOBS?
ALL RIGHT, SALLY.
I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.
LOOK, I...
I KNOW THIS IS SILLY,
BUT DO YOU THINK MARY WOULD
EVER JUMP INTO THE TRUCK
OF SOME RUGGED,
BRIDGE-LOVING PHOTOGRAPHER?
UH, PROBABLY.
[COUGHS]
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP IS SO BORING.
BORING? WE'RE
PASSIONATE, UNPREDICTABLE.
WE'RE WILD. WILD, I
TELL YOU. JUST WILD!
LET'S SEE. TONIGHT'S
WEDNESDAY, YOU GO TO HER HOUSE,
YOU WATCH JEOPARDY!
THEN THE WHEEL.
8:15, DELIVERY FROM
THE BAMBOO GARDEN.
AND 2 VIDEOS... ROBERT
REDFORD AND PAULY SHORE.
BUT WHICH TO WATCH FIRST?
HMM... HMM... HMM...
PAULY SHORE!
BUT NOT ALWAYS.
OK, ALWAYS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HELLO, MY LOVE.
OH, HI.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
DICK, I HAVE 15 PAPERS TO GRADE
THIS AFTERNOON, SO PLEASE...
VERY WELL.
MARY, YOU THINK WE'RE STILL
AN EXCITING COUPLE, DON'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
GOOD.
BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON
SALLY SAID WE'RE BORING.
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA.
MARY, SUPPOSE A RUGGED
ITALIAN WOMAN WITH A CAMERA
APPEARED IN A PICKUP AND
GAVE ME THE OLD HONK AND WAVE.
I SHOULDN'T JUMP IN HER TRUCK
AND DRIVE OFF WITH HER, SHOULD I?
MM-HMM.
NO!
WHAT?
WE ARE BORING, AREN'T WE?
WELL, WE MIGHT
BE IN A LITTLE RUT.
HOW ABOUT WE DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL TONIGHT?
OK.
YOU COME OVER,
WE'LL WATCH JEOPARDY!
AND THE WHEEL,
AND WE CAN ORDER
FROM THE BAMBOO GARDEN.
YUM.
HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A
NEW FAT-FREE PIZZA NIBBLER?
OH, TASTY, TASTY PIZZA TREAT.
I USED TO WATCH A LOT OF TV.
NO, I'M SORRY, LADY. ONLY
THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY.
IT'S MY JOB, YOU KNOW.
AGUA LA VISTA, BABY.
OH, HI. GIVE UP?
SHOPPING'S NOT AS EASY
AS YOU THOUGHT IT WAS, HUH?
ACTUALLY, I'M GREAT AT IT.
AND CHECK OUT THESE VALUES.
SKINNY BAR, FAT BAR, FAT BAR,
FAT BAR, SKINNY BAR, FAT BAR.
$1.26.
YOU CRACKED THE BAR CODE?
YEAH.
HI, GUYS. HEY, LOOK
WHAT I WAS DOING TODAY.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
WHAT'S A DIGFA?
UH, APPARENTLY, IT'S
THE CAPITAL OF FRANCE.
AND YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE
SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE TV
THAT SAYS, "RISK OF ELECTRICAL
SHOCK. DO NOT OPEN"?
WELL, THEY ARE NOT FEEDING
YOU GUYS A LINE OF CRAP.
I MEAN, ZZZZ.
WOW.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
NOT AS EXCITING.
TOMMY.
IT WAS GREAT!
AUGUST WON THE RUTHERFORD
COUNTY ESSAY CONTEST.
AND I WAS SO SURPRISED BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, I WON LAST YEAR, TOO.
NO ONE'S EVER WON
2 YEARS IN A ROW.
I'M SO PROUD.
I'M GOING TO GO CALL MY MOM.
I CAN'T TAKE IT, SALLY.
EVERYTHING ABOUT
HER IS SO PERFECT.
YOU WANT ME TO
MESS HER UP A LITTLE?
NO.
PLEASE.
I'M CAGED HERE! ALL
I'M KILLING IS TIME!
OH, HI, DICK. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GREAT.
WHAT?
OH, I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
THE THRILL IS GONE.
OH, MARY AND I USED
TO BE LIKE CHAMPAGNE...
FRESH AND BUBBLY...
BUT NOW WE'VE BEEN
UNCORKED TOO LONG.
WE'RE LUKEWARM,
FLAT, COLLECTING FLIES,
AND THERE'S A CIGARETTE
BUTT FLOATING IN US.
SHH! SHH! I'M HIDING.
WHY? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE LUSTY FARMHAND.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS CHARLIE.
HI, FOLKS.
OH, ISN'T HE POTENT?
CHARLIE BROUGHT THE
MAGIC BACK INTO MY LIFE.
GRRR.
RRRR.
THAT'S GOT TO BE HER
FIFTH MAGICIAN THIS YEAR.
MAGIC. THE FIRST TIME I SAW MARY
IT WAS MAGIC,
BUT NOW THE RABBIT
JUST SITS IN HIS HAT.
[SIGHS]
NINA.
I'M ON MY BREAK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I DON'T MIND.
IT'S ABOUT DR. ALBRIGHT AND ME.
DON'T INVOLVE ME
IN THAT FREAK SHOW.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED BETWEEN
US, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
OK, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING DIFFERENTLY?
THAT'S JUST IT. NOTHING.
SAME MOVIES, SAME
TAKEOUT, SAME AS IT EVER WAS.
WAIT. THERE'S AN ARTICLE
RIGHT HERE ON THAT VERY THING.
OH, WHAT LUCK.
HERE. ALL THE WISDOM YOU SEEK
AND 10 NEW WAYS TO
SHOW OFF YOUR BREASTS.
AHA! "10 SUREFIRE TIPS ON
BRINGING YOUR LUKEWARM LOVE LIFE
BACK TO A BOIL." YES.
NOW...
SHOWING OFF MY BREASTS.
THEN THE HIGH PRIESTESS IS CARRIED
INTO A MUD THATCH ROOFED HUT
WHERE FOR 7 DAYS
AND 7 NIGHTS SHE IS...
[STRUGGLING]
THANK YOU, CARYN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M BOILING OUR LOVE BY
SURPRISING YOU IN YOUR WORKPLACE.
DICK!
AND I'VE DONE SOME SHAVING.
SOMEWHERE ON MY BODY, YOU
WILL DISCOVER A TUFTED HEART.
OH, MY GOD.
LEON!
2 CLASSES? ISN'T THAT
A TAD WEIGHTY FOR YOU?
DR. SOLOMON.
YES, DR. ALBRIGHT?
GET OUT.
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO CASUALLY MENTION
THAT MAY REIGNITE
OUR RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT?
I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES.
[BELL RINGS]
YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND.
NO, MARY. I JUST WANT US
TO BE THE WAY WE WERE...
THE GREATEST LOVERS IN HISTORY.
DICK, PUT YOUR PANTIES
BACK ON AND SIT DOWN.
WE'RE FINE. THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH US.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NORMAL.
I DON'T WANT NORMAL.
I WANT CEASELESS JOY
AND NEVER-ENDING PASSION
LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.
THEY BOTH WOUND UP DEAD.
ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA.
DEAD.
THAT COUPLE FROM
WUTHERING HEIGHTS.
INSANE AND DEAD.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD AND ZELDA.
DRUNK, INSANE, AND DEAD.
TRISTAN úND ISEULT.
ABGESCHOSSEN.
AHA!
SIEGFRIED AND ROY!
OK, ONE.
HERE YOU GO, TOMMY.
A BOWL OF CRUNCHY
FLAKES AND SKIM MILK.
THIS IS A BOWL OF COLD GOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE IN AN EFFORT
TO BE MORE EFFICIENT,
I PREPARED BREAKFAST LAST NIGHT.
AND FOR YOU, SALLY, A
HOT CUP OF STEAMING JAVA.
SINCE WHEN DID RELATIONSHIPS
BECOME SO MUCH WORK?
COFFEE, DICK?
NO.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLANET?
NOTHING EVER STAYS FIXED. EVERYTHING
IS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF DECAY.
IT'S THIS DAMN GRAVITY. IT
BRINGS EVERYTHING DOWN.
I'VE GOT TO GET THE MAGIC BACK.
BUT HOW?
I NEED SOME GUIDANCE, A MENTOR,
SOMEONE WHO CAN TEACH ME THE
FINE ART OF ROMANCE, BUT WHO? WHO?
HI, HI, HI.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
FOR ROPE BURNS?
I'M SO GLAD YOU
KIDS COULD JOIN US.
OH, THE PLEASURE IS OURS.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING US BE THE 2
LITTLE FLIES ON YOUR WALL OF LOVE.
RIGHT, MARY?
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
EAT YOUR FAT, POOKY?
NO.
COME ON, BOOM
BOOM, LET'S SHAKE IT.
JUST THINK. THAT
COULD BE US IN 10 YEARS.
JUST THINK.
COME ON, MARY, LET'S SHAKE IT.
I'D RATHER NOT.
COME ON. COME ON!
LET'S BREAK OUT OF THIS
RUT, REKINDLE THE FIRE.
EAT MY FAT, POOKY. EAT MY FAT.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
I GUESS THE MAGIC IS GONE.
NO, THE MAGIC'S NOT GONE.
LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR
PLACE, AND I'LL PROVE IT.
REALLY?
REALLY.
[RAVEL'S BOLERO PLAYS]
RELAXED?
VERY.
GOOD.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR
A LITTLE BEDTIME STORY.
"FINALLY HIS EYES CAME TO REST
UPON THE LUSH, MOSSY VALLEY
FROM WHENCE ALL
PLEASURE SPRANG."
WHAT ARE YOU READING
TO ME, A HIKING GUIDE?
SHH!
"SHE SUCCUMBED TO HIM,
"AND LIKE A LILY UNFOLDING
TO MORNING'S FIRST LIGHT,
GAVE HERSELF OVER TO THE
POLLINATING BEE OF EARTHLY PLEASURE."
[SNORING]
YEAH, HI. CAN I PLEASE
SPEAK WITH OPRAH?
THIS IS SALLY SOLOMON.
A VIEWER?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT B.S.
SHE'S NOT ON VACATION.
SHE'S RIGHT THERE. I
CAN SEE HER ON MY TV.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID?
HELLO?
LIFE OF A SPONGE ISN'T AS
EASY AS IT LOOKS, IS IT, SALLY?
NO. I'M NOT GIVING UP, EVEN
IF OPRAH WON'T TALK TO ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW
ONE THING I LEARNED?
TELEVISION ALWAYS
GOES BETTER WITH FOOD.
UM, WHAT IS THIS, HARRY?
ICE CREAM.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
ENJOYING YOUR JOB, SALLY.
OH, AND I DISCOVERED ANOTHER
TERRIFIC HOUSEHOLD TIP.
IF YOU LAY THE DIRTY DISHES
IN THE MULLER'S BACKYARD,
THEIR DOG WILL JUST CLEAN
THEM RIGHT UP FOR YOU.
AND NOW THE WINNER OF THE
RUTHERFORD COUNTY ESSAY CONTEST
FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW,
AUGUST LEFLER.
THANK YOU. I THINK
BAUDELAIRE SAID IT BEST...
MARY, I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHY
WE'RE SO INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS TOGETHER.
WE'RE NOT TEDIOUS TOGETHER.
MARY, DON'T YOU SEE?
WE USED TO BE NEW,
UNCHARTED TERRITORY,
BUT NOW I'VE READ EVERY
PAGE IN THE MARY BOOK.
IS THAT RIGHT?
SADLY, YES.
THERE ARE VOLUMES
ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW.
REALLY?
YEAH.
LET'S FACE IT, MARY.
I'VE CHECKED YOUR FOOTNOTES,
COMBED YOUR STACKS,
THUMBED YOUR INDEX.
THERE ARE NO SURPRISES LEFT.
IS THAT RIGHT?
WHERE ARE WE, GRANDMA'S HOUSE?
YEAH, THIS IS A SIDE OF
YOU I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
THE EVENING'S YOUNG.
WHAT IS THIS?
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A KEGGER?
STAY CLOSE AND FOLLOW MY LEAD.
AH!
YOU'RE FUNNY.
HE CAN'T HEAR YOU,
SALLY. TRUST ME.
WHERE IS THAT REMOTE?
HARRY, I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT.
I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT!
YOU JUST HAVE 28-HOUR KEISTER.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, HARRY.
PLEASE, GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK.
NO.
[IMITATING CLINT EASTWOOD]
GIVE ME THE VACUUM, HARRY.
JUST PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.
NO. NO, IT'S MINE.
DON'T BE A FOOL, HARRY.
GIVE IT OVER!
NO. NO. A DEAL'S A DEAL. AAH!
SPIDER!
YOU WANT ME TO KILL
THE SPIDER, HARRY, HUH?
JUST GIVE ME THE VACUUM,
AND I'LL KILL THE SPIDER.
I CAN KILL THE SPIDER, SALLY.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
WITH GRAPES.
HERE'S THE DEAL, HARRY.
GRAPES DON'T HAVE 8 LEGS,
AND THEY DON'T JUMP.
AAH!
[STOMP]
YOU DID IT, HARRY.
OH, GOD, YOU WON.
YES, I DID.
POOR LITTLE SPIDER.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T HAVE KIDS.
IT'S OVER, HARRY.
IT'S OK.
SALLY'S HERE.
SALLY'S BACK.
SALLY'S BACK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAT
THERE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP ME.
AUGUST, EVER SINCE
I'VE KNOWN YOU,
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO TOGETHER.
WHAT?
IT'S JUST EVERYTHING YOU
SAY AND EVERYTHING YOU DO
AND EVERYTHING YOU
ARE IS SO PERFECT.
AND UP THERE WAS THE FIRST
TIME I EVER SAW YOU ACTUALLY BE...
HUMAN.
THAT'S WHAT I'M
LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN.
PERFECT? ME?
I JUST GOT A C MINUS IN PHYS ED
'CAUSE I CAN'T LIFT
MY OWN BODY WEIGHT.
I BITE MY NAILS, I HAVE A
LOUSY SENSE OF DIRECTION,
AND THIS NOSE, IT'S NOT
EXACTLY CINDY CRAWFORD'S.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT HOOKS A
LITTLE TO THE LEFT THERE.
SO...
I AM NOT PERFECT.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE NOT.
GOOD.
WHY STOP AT THE NOSE?
I MEAN, YOU...
WE'LL STOP AT THE NOSE.
NINER, DEUCE, LADY,
ONE-EYED JACK.
BUG, YOU GOT A PAIR SHOWING.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M OUT.
I'M OUT.
I'M OUT.
READ 'EM AND WEEP.
OH... OH...
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
GOOD-BYE, UNDERWEAR.
LEON, LEON, YOU STILL
GOT YOUR SOCKS ON, BUDDY.
MY FEET GET COLD.
7-CARD STUD.
YOU IN?
I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE.
GET ME A BEER.
I'D RATHER NOT.
SO YOU GLAD WE
TRIED SOMETHING NEW?
NOT REALLY.
IN FACT, IT MADE ME
UNCOMFORTABLE...
AND COLD...
AND KIND OF SHRIVELY.
I GUESS WE HAVE TO
ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE.
THINGS WILL NEVER BE NEW AGAIN,
BUT I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO GO ON
AND ON AND ON AND ON.
[PFFLT]
EXCUSE ME.
MARY!
I SAID EXCUSE ME.
NO. NO, IT'S FINE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD
YOU DO THAT BEFORE.
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
BEEF AND BROCCOLI?
YES. BUT SO MUCH MORE.
DON'T YOU SEE? IT
DIDN'T BOTHER YOU,
AND IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME.
GOOD 'CAUSE THERE'S
ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY.
IT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE SIGN.
WE'VE ENTERED A NEW PHASE.
IT'S LIKE YOU SAID,
RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.
WE'VE BECOME COMFORTABLE
WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S AS IF YOU'VE TRUMPETED
THE DAWN OF OUR NEW ERA.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO TOMORROW?
THIS.
YOU.
THIS.
OH, MARY!
OH!
[PFFLT]
WAS THAT YOU OR ME?
DOES IT MATTER?
NO.
OH!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
I'M SORRY, LITTLE SPIDER.
IF I COULD TRADE PLACES
WITH YOU, I WOULD.
GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
[PLAYS AMAZING GRACE]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
GET IN HIS TRUCK.
GET IN HIS TRUCK AND
RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
DOH! DAMN!
THESE STUPID BOOKS NEVER
END THE WAY I WANT THEM TO.
LIEUTENANT.
SIR.
REWRITE THIS BOOK SO THAT
FRANCESCA RUNS OFF WITH ROBERT.
WHAT? THAT'S NOT IN
MY JOB DESCRIPTION.
BUT THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
"SALLY, MAKE DINNER,
SALLY, DO THE LAUNDRY,
SALLY, REWRITE THIS
INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER."
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
DOING THIS CRAPPY JOB DAY IN AND DAY OUT
THAT MAKES ME
WANT TO KILL MYSELF...
AND YOU.
WELL, SALLY, I'M TIRED
OF HEARING YOU COMPLAIN.
I MEAN, I'M NOT APPRECIATED...
SHUT UP.
ALL RIGHTY.
NO, SALLY, NO.
I MEAN, I HAVE A
DIFFICULT JOB, TOO.
AND... AND... I THINK THAT
YOU SHOULD SHUT UP.
WHAT IS YOUR JOB EXACTLY?
I AM THE SPONGE.
I KNOW MANY THINGS.
LIKE WHAT, O GREAT SPONGE?
OK. LIKE HOW MANY BAGS OF TRASH
DO OUR NEIGHBORS
PRODUCE PER WEEK?
WHAT ARE BARNEY'S
FRIENDS' NAMES?
HIS REAL FRIENDS.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO
GET TO THE CENTER OF A MARBLE?
YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YA?
WELL, HE'S GOT YOU THERE.
YEAH, HE SURE DOES.
BUT, HARRY, I DO ALL THE SHOPPING,
COOKING, CLEANING, BANKING,
AND THE KILLING OF ALL SPIDERS.
HA! SPIDERS. SPIDERS ARE MORE
AFRAID OF US THAN WE ARE OF THEM.
HARRY, THERE'S A
SPIDER ON YOUR NECK.
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
HA! THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
HARRY, YOU COULD
NEVER HANDLE MY JOB.
I COULD DO IT WITH
MY EYES CLOSED.
YOU DO EVERYTHING
WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.
OK. OK, BIG GUY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
YOU AND I TRADE JOBS?
ALL RIGHT, SALLY.
I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.
LOOK, I...
I KNOW THIS IS SILLY,
BUT DO YOU THINK MARY WOULD
EVER JUMP INTO THE TRUCK
OF SOME RUGGED,
BRIDGE-LOVING PHOTOGRAPHER?
UH, PROBABLY.
[COUGHS]
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP IS SO BORING.
BORING? WE'RE
PASSIONATE, UNPREDICTABLE.
WE'RE WILD. WILD, I
TELL YOU. JUST WILD!
LET'S SEE. TONIGHT'S
WEDNESDAY, YOU GO TO HER HOUSE,
YOU WATCH JEOPARDY!
THEN THE WHEEL.
8:15, DELIVERY FROM
THE BAMBOO GARDEN.
AND 2 VIDEOS... ROBERT
REDFORD AND PAULY SHORE.
BUT WHICH TO WATCH FIRST?
HMM... HMM... HMM...
PAULY SHORE!
BUT NOT ALWAYS.
OK, ALWAYS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HELLO, MY LOVE.
OH, HI.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
DICK, I HAVE 15 PAPERS TO GRADE
THIS AFTERNOON, SO PLEASE...
VERY WELL.
MARY, YOU THINK WE'RE STILL
AN EXCITING COUPLE, DON'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
GOOD.
BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON
SALLY SAID WE'RE BORING.
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA.
MARY, SUPPOSE A RUGGED
ITALIAN WOMAN WITH A CAMERA
APPEARED IN A PICKUP AND
GAVE ME THE OLD HONK AND WAVE.
I SHOULDN'T JUMP IN HER TRUCK
AND DRIVE OFF WITH HER, SHOULD I?
MM-HMM.
NO!
WHAT?
WE ARE BORING, AREN'T WE?
WELL, WE MIGHT
BE IN A LITTLE RUT.
HOW ABOUT WE DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL TONIGHT?
OK.
YOU COME OVER,
WE'LL WATCH JEOPARDY!
AND THE WHEEL,
AND WE CAN ORDER
FROM THE BAMBOO GARDEN.
YUM.
HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A
NEW FAT-FREE PIZZA NIBBLER?
OH, TASTY, TASTY PIZZA TREAT.
I USED TO WATCH A LOT OF TV.
NO, I'M SORRY, LADY. ONLY
THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY.
IT'S MY JOB, YOU KNOW.
AGUA LA VISTA, BABY.
OH, HI. GIVE UP?
SHOPPING'S NOT AS EASY
AS YOU THOUGHT IT WAS, HUH?
ACTUALLY, I'M GREAT AT IT.
AND CHECK OUT THESE VALUES.
SKINNY BAR, FAT BAR, FAT BAR,
FAT BAR, SKINNY BAR, FAT BAR.
$1.26.
YOU CRACKED THE BAR CODE?
YEAH.
HI, GUYS. HEY, LOOK
WHAT I WAS DOING TODAY.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
WHAT'S A DIGFA?
UH, APPARENTLY, IT'S
THE CAPITAL OF FRANCE.
AND YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE
SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE TV
THAT SAYS, "RISK OF ELECTRICAL
SHOCK. DO NOT OPEN"?
WELL, THEY ARE NOT FEEDING
YOU GUYS A LINE OF CRAP.
I MEAN, ZZZZ.
WOW.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
NOT AS EXCITING.
TOMMY.
IT WAS GREAT!
AUGUST WON THE RUTHERFORD
COUNTY ESSAY CONTEST.
AND I WAS SO SURPRISED BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, I WON LAST YEAR, TOO.
NO ONE'S EVER WON
2 YEARS IN A ROW.
I'M SO PROUD.
I'M GOING TO GO CALL MY MOM.
I CAN'T TAKE IT, SALLY.
EVERYTHING ABOUT
HER IS SO PERFECT.
YOU WANT ME TO
MESS HER UP A LITTLE?
NO.
PLEASE.
I'M CAGED HERE! ALL
I'M KILLING IS TIME!
OH, HI, DICK. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GREAT.
WHAT?
OH, I CAN'T KEEP UP THE FACADE.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
THE THRILL IS GONE.
OH, MARY AND I USED
TO BE LIKE CHAMPAGNE...
FRESH AND BUBBLY...
BUT NOW WE'VE BEEN
UNCORKED TOO LONG.
WE'RE LUKEWARM,
FLAT, COLLECTING FLIES,
AND THERE'S A CIGARETTE
BUTT FLOATING IN US.
SHH! SHH! I'M HIDING.
WHY? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE LUSTY FARMHAND.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS CHARLIE.
HI, FOLKS.
OH, ISN'T HE POTENT?
CHARLIE BROUGHT THE
MAGIC BACK INTO MY LIFE.
GRRR.
RRRR.
THAT'S GOT TO BE HER
FIFTH MAGICIAN THIS YEAR.
MAGIC. THE FIRST TIME I SAW MARY
IT WAS MAGIC,
BUT NOW THE RABBIT
JUST SITS IN HIS HAT.
[SIGHS]
NINA.
I'M ON MY BREAK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I DON'T MIND.
IT'S ABOUT DR. ALBRIGHT AND ME.
DON'T INVOLVE ME
IN THAT FREAK SHOW.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED BETWEEN
US, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
OK, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING DIFFERENTLY?
THAT'S JUST IT. NOTHING.
SAME MOVIES, SAME
TAKEOUT, SAME AS IT EVER WAS.
WAIT. THERE'S AN ARTICLE
RIGHT HERE ON THAT VERY THING.
OH, WHAT LUCK.
HERE. ALL THE WISDOM YOU SEEK
AND 10 NEW WAYS TO
SHOW OFF YOUR BREASTS.
AHA! "10 SUREFIRE TIPS ON
BRINGING YOUR LUKEWARM LOVE LIFE
BACK TO A BOIL." YES.
NOW...
SHOWING OFF MY BREASTS.
THEN THE HIGH PRIESTESS IS CARRIED
INTO A MUD THATCH ROOFED HUT
WHERE FOR 7 DAYS
AND 7 NIGHTS SHE IS...
[STRUGGLING]
THANK YOU, CARYN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M BOILING OUR LOVE BY
SURPRISING YOU IN YOUR WORKPLACE.
DICK!
AND I'VE DONE SOME SHAVING.
SOMEWHERE ON MY BODY, YOU
WILL DISCOVER A TUFTED HEART.
OH, MY GOD.
LEON!
2 CLASSES? ISN'T THAT
A TAD WEIGHTY FOR YOU?
DR. SOLOMON.
YES, DR. ALBRIGHT?
GET OUT.
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO CASUALLY MENTION
THAT MAY REIGNITE
OUR RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT?
I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES.
[BELL RINGS]
YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND.
NO, MARY. I JUST WANT US
TO BE THE WAY WE WERE...
THE GREATEST LOVERS IN HISTORY.
DICK, PUT YOUR PANTIES
BACK ON AND SIT DOWN.
WE'RE FINE. THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH US.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NORMAL.
I DON'T WANT NORMAL.
I WANT CEASELESS JOY
AND NEVER-ENDING PASSION
LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.
THEY BOTH WOUND UP DEAD.
ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA.
DEAD.
THAT COUPLE FROM
WUTHERING HEIGHTS.
INSANE AND DEAD.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD AND ZELDA.
DRUNK, INSANE, AND DEAD.
TRISTAN úND ISEULT.
ABGESCHOSSEN.
AHA!
SIEGFRIED AND ROY!
OK, ONE.
HERE YOU GO, TOMMY.
A BOWL OF CRUNCHY
FLAKES AND SKIM MILK.
THIS IS A BOWL OF COLD GOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE IN AN EFFORT
TO BE MORE EFFICIENT,
I PREPARED BREAKFAST LAST NIGHT.
AND FOR YOU, SALLY, A
HOT CUP OF STEAMING JAVA.
SINCE WHEN DID RELATIONSHIPS
BECOME SO MUCH WORK?
COFFEE, DICK?
NO.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLANET?
NOTHING EVER STAYS FIXED. EVERYTHING
IS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF DECAY.
IT'S THIS DAMN GRAVITY. IT
BRINGS EVERYTHING DOWN.
I'VE GOT TO GET THE MAGIC BACK.
BUT HOW?
I NEED SOME GUIDANCE, A MENTOR,
SOMEONE WHO CAN TEACH ME THE
FINE ART OF ROMANCE, BUT WHO? WHO?
HI, HI, HI.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
FOR ROPE BURNS?
I'M SO GLAD YOU
KIDS COULD JOIN US.
OH, THE PLEASURE IS OURS.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING US BE THE 2
LITTLE FLIES ON YOUR WALL OF LOVE.
RIGHT, MARY?
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
EAT YOUR FAT, POOKY?
NO.
COME ON, BOOM
BOOM, LET'S SHAKE IT.
JUST THINK. THAT
COULD BE US IN 10 YEARS.
JUST THINK.
COME ON, MARY, LET'S SHAKE IT.
I'D RATHER NOT.
COME ON. COME ON!
LET'S BREAK OUT OF THIS
RUT, REKINDLE THE FIRE.
EAT MY FAT, POOKY. EAT MY FAT.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
I GUESS THE MAGIC IS GONE.
NO, THE MAGIC'S NOT GONE.
LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR
PLACE, AND I'LL PROVE IT.
REALLY?
REALLY.
[RAVEL'S BOLERO PLAYS]
RELAXED?
VERY.
GOOD.
BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR
A LITTLE BEDTIME STORY.
"FINALLY HIS EYES CAME TO REST
UPON THE LUSH, MOSSY VALLEY
FROM WHENCE ALL
PLEASURE SPRANG."
WHAT ARE YOU READING
TO ME, A HIKING GUIDE?
SHH!
"SHE SUCCUMBED TO HIM,
"AND LIKE A LILY UNFOLDING
TO MORNING'S FIRST LIGHT,
GAVE HERSELF OVER TO THE
POLLINATING BEE OF EARTHLY PLEASURE."
[SNORING]
YEAH, HI. CAN I PLEASE
SPEAK WITH OPRAH?
THIS IS SALLY SOLOMON.
A VIEWER?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT B.S.
SHE'S NOT ON VACATION.
SHE'S RIGHT THERE. I
CAN SEE HER ON MY TV.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID?
HELLO?
LIFE OF A SPONGE ISN'T AS
EASY AS IT LOOKS, IS IT, SALLY?
NO. I'M NOT GIVING UP, EVEN
IF OPRAH WON'T TALK TO ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW
ONE THING I LEARNED?
TELEVISION ALWAYS
GOES BETTER WITH FOOD.
UM, WHAT IS THIS, HARRY?
ICE CREAM.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
ENJOYING YOUR JOB, SALLY.
OH, AND I DISCOVERED ANOTHER
TERRIFIC HOUSEHOLD TIP.
IF YOU LAY THE DIRTY DISHES
IN THE MULLER'S BACKYARD,
THEIR DOG WILL JUST CLEAN
THEM RIGHT UP FOR YOU.
AND NOW THE WINNER OF THE
RUTHERFORD COUNTY ESSAY CONTEST
FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW,
AUGUST LEFLER.
THANK YOU. I THINK
BAUDELAIRE SAID IT BEST...
MARY, I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHY
WE'RE SO INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS TOGETHER.
WE'RE NOT TEDIOUS TOGETHER.
MARY, DON'T YOU SEE?
WE USED TO BE NEW,
UNCHARTED TERRITORY,
BUT NOW I'VE READ EVERY
PAGE IN THE MARY BOOK.
IS THAT RIGHT?
SADLY, YES.
THERE ARE VOLUMES
ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW.
REALLY?
YEAH.
LET'S FACE IT, MARY.
I'VE CHECKED YOUR FOOTNOTES,
COMBED YOUR STACKS,
THUMBED YOUR INDEX.
THERE ARE NO SURPRISES LEFT.
IS THAT RIGHT?
WHERE ARE WE, GRANDMA'S HOUSE?
YEAH, THIS IS A SIDE OF
YOU I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
THE EVENING'S YOUNG.
WHAT IS THIS?
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A KEGGER?
STAY CLOSE AND FOLLOW MY LEAD.
AH!
YOU'RE FUNNY.
HE CAN'T HEAR YOU,
SALLY. TRUST ME.
WHERE IS THAT REMOTE?
HARRY, I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT.
I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT!
YOU JUST HAVE 28-HOUR KEISTER.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, HARRY.
PLEASE, GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK.
NO.
[IMITATING CLINT EASTWOOD]
GIVE ME THE VACUUM, HARRY.
JUST PUT IT DOWN AND WALK AWAY.
NO. NO, IT'S MINE.
DON'T BE A FOOL, HARRY.
GIVE IT OVER!
NO. NO. A DEAL'S A DEAL. AAH!
SPIDER!
YOU WANT ME TO KILL
THE SPIDER, HARRY, HUH?
JUST GIVE ME THE VACUUM,
AND I'LL KILL THE SPIDER.
I CAN KILL THE SPIDER, SALLY.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
WITH GRAPES.
HERE'S THE DEAL, HARRY.
GRAPES DON'T HAVE 8 LEGS,
AND THEY DON'T JUMP.
AAH!
[STOMP]
YOU DID IT, HARRY.
OH, GOD, YOU WON.
YES, I DID.
POOR LITTLE SPIDER.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T HAVE KIDS.
IT'S OVER, HARRY.
IT'S OK.
SALLY'S HERE.
SALLY'S BACK.
SALLY'S BACK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAT
THERE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP ME.
AUGUST, EVER SINCE
I'VE KNOWN YOU,
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO TOGETHER.
WHAT?
IT'S JUST EVERYTHING YOU
SAY AND EVERYTHING YOU DO
AND EVERYTHING YOU
ARE IS SO PERFECT.
AND UP THERE WAS THE FIRST
TIME I EVER SAW YOU ACTUALLY BE...
HUMAN.
THAT'S WHAT I'M
LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN.
PERFECT? ME?
I JUST GOT A C MINUS IN PHYS ED
'CAUSE I CAN'T LIFT
MY OWN BODY WEIGHT.
I BITE MY NAILS, I HAVE A
LOUSY SENSE OF DIRECTION,
AND THIS NOSE, IT'S NOT
EXACTLY CINDY CRAWFORD'S.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT HOOKS A
LITTLE TO THE LEFT THERE.
SO...
I AM NOT PERFECT.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE NOT.
GOOD.
WHY STOP AT THE NOSE?
I MEAN, YOU...
WE'LL STOP AT THE NOSE.
NINER, DEUCE, LADY,
ONE-EYED JACK.
BUG, YOU GOT A PAIR SHOWING.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M OUT.
I'M OUT.
I'M OUT.
READ 'EM AND WEEP.
OH... OH...
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
GOOD-BYE, UNDERWEAR.
LEON, LEON, YOU STILL
GOT YOUR SOCKS ON, BUDDY.
MY FEET GET COLD.
7-CARD STUD.
YOU IN?
I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE.
GET ME A BEER.
I'D RATHER NOT.
SO YOU GLAD WE
TRIED SOMETHING NEW?
NOT REALLY.
IN FACT, IT MADE ME
UNCOMFORTABLE...
AND COLD...
AND KIND OF SHRIVELY.
I GUESS WE HAVE TO
ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE.
THINGS WILL NEVER BE NEW AGAIN,
BUT I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO GO ON
AND ON AND ON AND ON.
[PFFLT]
EXCUSE ME.
MARY!
I SAID EXCUSE ME.
NO. NO, IT'S FINE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD
YOU DO THAT BEFORE.
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
BEEF AND BROCCOLI?
YES. BUT SO MUCH MORE.
DON'T YOU SEE? IT
DIDN'T BOTHER YOU,
AND IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME.
GOOD 'CAUSE THERE'S
ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY.
IT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE SIGN.
WE'VE ENTERED A NEW PHASE.
IT'S LIKE YOU SAID,
RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE.
WE'VE BECOME COMFORTABLE
WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S AS IF YOU'VE TRUMPETED
THE DAWN OF OUR NEW ERA.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO TOMORROW?
THIS.
YOU.
THIS.
OH, MARY!
OH!
[PFFLT]
WAS THAT YOU OR ME?
DOES IT MATTER?
NO.
OH!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
I'M SORRY, LITTLE SPIDER.
IF I COULD TRADE PLACES
WITH YOU, I WOULD.
GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
[PLAYS AMAZING GRACE]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE