3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 9 - Ab-dick-ted - full transcript
Dick doesn't want the family to always irritate each other and thinks they can learn from observing Dr. Albright and her brother Roy.
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
EARTH IS A PLACE
WHERE BACKING DOWN
CAUSES EGO PROBLEMS
AND BACKING UP CAUSES
SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/GRANTSMANSHIP
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M WAXING THE FLOOR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO KNOW
EVERY TIME I TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY,
I MOVE A STEP CLOSER
TO MY PROMOTION.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE TOP.
I DON'T CARE WHO I
STEP ON TO GET THERE.
WELL, NICE JOB, HARRY.
HUH! FLOOR'S SO SHINY,
I CAN SEE UP MY OWN DRESS.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
SALLY, I...
YOU TOUCHED MY RADIO.
NO, I DIDN'T.
I LEAVE IT TUNED TO
BIG COUNTRY 902.1.
I TURNED IT ON.
OUT CAME MUCHO SALSA 106.
YOU USED MY LEG RAZOR
TO SHAVE YOUR STUPID FACE.
THE DELICATE HANDLE'S
EASIER TO GRIP.
LISTEN, MR. ANAL, I'M SICK...
AM I GOING TO HAVE
TO SEPARATE YOU TWO?
ALL WE SEEM TO DO IS ARGUE,
EVER SINCE WE CAME HERE.
WE STUDIED NINE GALAXIES
IN PERFECT HARMONY.
AND WE DIDN'T LEAVE SCUFF MARKS.
WE ALWAYS SEEM TO BE
ANNOYED WITH EACH OTHER.
AS FASCINATING AS THAT
IS, IT'S IRRITATING AS HELL!
I'M SORRY. I WASN'T LISTENING.
I GET SHOOTING PAINS IN
MY HEAD WHEN YOU SPEAK.
AUGUST FINDS US QUITE CHARMING
IN OUR NAIVE DETERMINATION
TO STAY TOGETHER.
TELL YOUR LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND AUGUST
TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
DON'T DRINK OUT OF THE CARTON.
[SPITS]
FINE.
LOOK AT THIS!
WE'RE FAILING HERE!
WE'RE A FAMILY. WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO GET ALONG.
PLEASE TAKE THIS ARGUMENT
OFF MY LINOLEUM FLOOR.
I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PROMOTION NOW
IF YOU DON'T SAY
"REALLY" FOR TWO MINUTES.
REALLY?
YOU LOSE!
OH, DICK, SHE TRICKED ME.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
WELL, I GUESS I JUST
CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UNDER MY DESK?
SLEEPING.
WHY?
THE DESKTOP IS HARD AND COLD.
YOU HAVE A BED AT
HOME, DON'T YOU?
YES, BUT I CAN'T STAND MY HOUSE!
IT'S FILLED WITH...
FAMILY.
I COULDN'T LIVE WITH
MY BROTHER A WEEK.
YOU HAVE A BROTHER?
THAT'S GREAT. TELL ME ABOUT HIM.
HE HASN'T QUITE
GOTTEN SETTLED YET.
I DON'T THINK HE'S
MET THE RIGHT WOMAN.
WOMEN AREN'T PUT OFF BY HIM.
WELL, SOME ARE.
MOST ARE.
WHAT DOES HE DO?
SOMETHING DIFFERENT EVERY YEAR.
RIGHT NOW HE'S RESTORING HOUSES.
I HAVE A PICTURE
OF HIM SOMEWHERE.
IS THIS HIM? WHAT A GUT.
NO, THAT'S MY MOTHER.
THAT'S ROY.
CALL HIM. I'D LIKE TO MEET HIM.
WE DON'T GET TOGETHER MUCH.
YOU DON'T GET ALONG?
NO, NO, IT'S JUST HARD.
DOES HE LIVE FAR?
FROM MY HOUSE? OH, THREE...
FOUR BLOCKS.
SO YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
NOT VERY MUCH.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE HIM?
NOT VERY MUCH.
THEN YOU DON'T WANT TO
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
FINE. I'LL CALL HIM!
I'LL ASK HIM TO DROP BY.
WONDERFUL!
AND WHEN HE GETS HERE,
JUST ACT NORMAL.
I'D ASK YOU TO DO THE SAME,
BUT THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
HELLO, ROY?
TOMMY, WOULD YOU
SIGN MY WORKSHEET?
SURE. WHAT DID YOU DO?
OH, WELL, I PREPEELED
ALL THESE BANANAS
FOR EATING EASE.
WELL, GOOD JOB, HARRY.
YEAH.
MANGIA, MANGIA.
NOW I KNOW WHY
I LIKE YOU, TOMMY.
YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE AND
PATIENT WITH YOUR FAMILY.
THAT'S JUST THE
KIND OF GUY I AM.
YOU SPEND LOTS OF TIME TAKING
CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS.
EXCEPT MINE.
YEAH, WELL...
WAIT. AM I IN TROUBLE?
HOW DID I GET IN TROUBLE?
YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE. WE ARE.
I REALLY HOPE WE
DON'T HAVE TO BREAK UP.
WHEN DID WE BREAK UP?
IT'D BE GOOD IF WE
FOCUSED ON EACH OTHER.
I'LL SHOW YOU FOCUS.
LET'S SEE A MOVIE FRIDAY.
I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE, PLEASE?
YOU'RE SO NEEDY.
I'M SORRY.
NO. I LIKE THAT IN A MAN.
NO, SALLY, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE.
LET ME TELL YOU...
HELLO?
HELLO!
SALLY, I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO HANG UP ON...
HELLO?
SALLY?
DR. SOLOMON?
THIS IS MY BROTHER ROY.
WHOA!
YOUR HEAD IS HUGE.
THANK YOU.
ENORMOUS!
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU WORK
WITH 18-YEAR-OLD BUTTS
WAVING IN YOUR FACE?
I TRY. I TRY.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOURSELF.
IT MUST BE FASCINATING
RESTORING HOUSES.
I DON'T RESTORE HOUSES.
I SELL VINYL SIDING.
YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE
EFFECT VINYL HAS ON HOUSES.
SHE'S ALWAYS BRAGGING
ON ME 'CAUSE SHE LOVES ME.
'CAUSE SHE'S MY MONKEY GIRL.
OH, DON'T DO THAT.
AREN'T YOU THE MONKEY GIRL?
ARE YOU THE MONKEY GIRL?
WANT TO HEAR THE MONKEY SOUND?
NOT THE THE MONKEY SOUND. STOP.
AH... AH... AH... AH!
OH, SHE'S WONDERFUL!
PLAYFUL SIBLING AGGRESSION!
IT'S FANTASTIC!
PLEASE, CONTINUE.
OH, NO. AH... AH... AH... AH!
YOU MUST BE ROY. WE'VE SPOKEN.
I'M NINA.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
YOU DON'T SOUND
BLACK ON THE PHONE.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING I
PICKED UP IN SPY SCHOOL.
WHOO, HE'S NICE.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO
COME OVER FOR DINNER?
TONIGHT AT 7:00.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, YEAH.
I THINK THE MONKEY
MIGHT WANT TO GO.
YES... YES... YES... YES!
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
ROY, YOU ARE THE
PERFECT BROTHER.
THIS IS THE GUY YOU
SAID WAS A POMPOUS ASS?
THAT'S ME.
[SPRAYING SOUND]
SALLY, THE ALBRIGHTS WILL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.
THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
WHERE'S THE SALMON
MOUSSE, THE DUCK TERRINE,
THE SMOKED CHUB?
YOU KNOW, DICK,
I HAVE A CLEAVER IN MY HAND.
I GOT A DATE WITH AUGUST.
DON'T WAIT UP.
NO, NO!
DR. ALBRIGHT AND HER BROTHER
ARE COMING TO DINNER TONIGHT.
SO?
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THEM TOGETHER.
THEY'RE JUST...
ADORABLE.
THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EVERYTHING
THAT OUR FAMILY'S ISN'T.
WELL, THEN YOU JUST
TAKE GOOD NOTES,
BECAUSE TONIGHT IS MY
CHANCE TO GET INTO BRAVILLE.
YOU CAN GO TO BRAVILLE
SOME OTHER TIME.
[MARY] HELLO! IS IT
SAFE TO COME UP?
COME ON UP.
WELCOME...
ALBRIGHT CHILDREN.
ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOUR COATS.
DICK, MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
I AM TAKING INITIATIVE
AND THEIR COATS.
GOOD FOR YOU, HARRY.
THAT'S MY BROTHER HARRY,
AND THIS IS TOMMY, MY SON.
OH, HEY, PARTNER, HOW YOU DOING?
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
A QUARTER?
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO
IMPRESS A YOUNGSTER
WITH WHAT YOU THINK
IS A MYSTIFYING
FEAT OF TRICKERY.
HE'S A SMART ONE.
CUT YOUR HAIR.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.
SIT DOWN.
EVERYBODY, JUST MAKE
YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.
LET ME HAVE THAT.
CAN I HAVE A GLASS NOW?
TAKE THE WINE.
WINE TAKEN.
JORDAN H. ALMONDS!
YOU ARE ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
WHY DOES EVERY MAN
HAVE TO REMIND ME OF THAT
LIKE I'M GOING TO FORGET?
SALLY, AS SIBLINGS, ROY
AND MARY ARE FUN-LOVING
AND PLAYFUL.
YOU KNOW...
MARY AND I ARE THICK AS THIEVES.
HEY, MONKEY, REMEMBER THE TIME
MOM FOUND ALL MY PLAYBOYS
AND YOU SAID THEY WERE YOURS
AND HAD TO SPEND
TWO YEARS IN THERAPY?
HARRY, COME ON IN HERE.
LET'S ALL BE SOCIABLE.
OH.
I WAS SITTING THERE.
JUST RELAX.
INTERACT...
NATURALLY.
O.K., ROY, WHY DON'T
YOU START THINGS OFF
BY TELLING US SOME
AMUSING FAMILY STORIES?
I DON'T KNOW HOW
AMUSING THIS IS,
BUT THIS IS THE
MOST AMAZING THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR
YOUR STUPID STORY.
NO, I THINK THEY DO WANT TO HEAR
MY STUPID STORY.
NO, THEY DON'T.
YES, THEY WANT TO
HEAR MY STUPID STORY.
[DICK] ISN'T THIS FASCINATING?
ROY!
PLEASE, CONTINUE.
[ROY] YOU'LL THINK I'M CRAZY,
BUT...
I WAS ONCE...
ABDUCTED...
BY AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT.
OHH.
EXCUSE US.
[MARY] YOU PROMISED YOU
WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT!
NO, I PROMISED I WOULDN'T
MENTION YOUR CHIN IMPLANT.
NO! WE'RE NOT KILLING ANYONE!
SPACECRAFT, YOU SAY?
I GUESS A LAYMAN WOULD
CALL IT AN ABDUCTION,
BUT WHAT THOSE SPACE PEOPLE
DID TO ME THAT NIGHT
WAS MORE OF A
SPIRITUAL KIDNAPPING.
YEAH, RIGHT.
ALIENS TRAVELED BILLIONS OF
LIGHT YEARS THROUGH SPACE
TO RAM A PROBE UP
ROY ALBRIGHT'S BUTT.
TELL US ABOUT THE SPACE PEOPLE.
I'M DRIVING ALONG
THE ROAD ONE NIGHT.
I PULL OFF INTO THIS CORNFIELD.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
I SEE THIS RIP IN
THE ATMOSPHERE.
AND THEN HOVERING
RIGHT OVER MY HEAD
IS THIS GIANT HOVERING THING.
IT WAS A WEATHER BALLOON.
EXCEPT WEATHER BALLOONS
DON'T POKE YOU IN
THE EYES WITH NEEDLES.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE ANYONE WE KNOW.
I MEAN, WE KNOW.
GO ON.
I'M ON THIS SPACESHIP,
AND I'M SURROUNDED
BY ALL THIS...
FOAM?
EXACTLY.
YOU WERE NEVER IN A SPACESHIP!
I'VE GOT THE SCARS TO PROVE IT!
ROY LEWIS ALBRIGHT,
IF YOU HAVE ONE DECENT
BONE IN YOUR BODY,
YOU WON'T DO THIS TO ME.
YOU CAN SEE THERE.
THAT'S IT! I NEED SOME AIR.
DR. ALBRIGHT!
LET HER GO. GO ON.
NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M BEING SUCKED UP
INSIDE THIS BIG HOSE.
THE BIG HOSE?
THE BIG HOSE.
ROY, WILL YOU EXCUSE US?
WE GOT TO KILL HIM.
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
HE COULD TURN US IN.
WANT TO BE THE SUBJECT
OF SOME ALIEN AUTOPSY SHOW
ON THE FOX NETWORK?
YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
AND FOX IS NOT A NETWORK.
WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS YET.
I'M IN CHARGE OF
SECURITY. KILL HIM.
I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.
I'M PUTTING THIS
DECISION ON HOLD.
I'LL CHECK ON DR. ALBRIGHT,
AND YOU ENTERTAIN ROY.
I'LL PULL A QUARTER
OUT OF HIS EAR.
I'LL PULL HIS BRAIN
OUT OF HIS EAR.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. I'M SORRY ABOUT ROY.
I TOLD HIM NOT TO
TELL THAT STORY.
HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING I ASK.
THAT'S SALLY ALL OVER.
IT'S HARD BEING THE OLDEST.
THEY THINK WE'RE
TRYING TO RUN THEIR LIVES.
WHEN ALL WE'RE TRYING
TO DO IS CONTROL THEM.
DO YOU THINK ROY REALLY
WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?
NO, BUT I PRAYED FOR
IT EVERY NIGHT AS A KID.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU THINK THERE'S
INTELLIGENT LIFE UP THERE?
THERE?
NO!
NOT THERE.
THERE.
DICK, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?
O.K., LET ME REPHRASE THIS.
DICK, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?
EXCUSE ME.
THIS HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S IMPORTANT.
KNOW THAT CORNFIELD
BY THE INTERSTATE?
SALLY TOOK ROY
THERE TO KILL HIM.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
OH!
DAMN!
SHE'S WILLFULLY
DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
AND IN A CORNFIELD.
THAT'S SUCH A CLICHé.
SO, HEY...
THE KIDS WENT TO THE CORNFIELD
TO HAVE A LITTLE
FUN. LET'S JOIN THEM.
I DON'T WANT TO
GO TO A CORNFIELD.
MAYBE THE MONKEY WANTS TO GO.
WHAT?
DOES THE MONKEY WANT TO GO?
DON'T YOU DARE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
LET'S GO!
HELLO?
AUGUST?
WE HAD A DATE TONIGHT.
CORNFIELD TIME.
EITHER YOU GO WITH
HIM AND LIVE HIS LIFE,
OR COME WITH ME AND LIVE YOURS.
BUT... BUT HE NEEDS ME.
FINE. MAYBE NEXT WEEK
YOU CAN TRY AND
GET TO FIRST BASE
WITH YOUR DAD.
TOMMY!
BYE-BYE, DICK.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU WORK.
YOU LOOKED, YOU SAW, YOU TOOK.
NOW, CAN WE LOSE
FORREST GUMP OVER THERE?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT. I'LL GO TALK TO HIM.
I CAN HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
PLEASE, SALLY, LET ME KILL HIM.
IT'LL LOOK SO GOOD ON MY RéSUMé.
THE ANSWER'S NO.
OH, SALLY, PLEASE.
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU WANT THE JOB, IT'S YOURS,
BUT WE DO IT MY WAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
THE ACTION'S OVER HERE.
COMING!
O.K., TAKE THIS ROCK.
WHEN I SAY "BIG DIPPER,"
BASH HIM OVER THE
HEAD, CAN YOU DO THAT?
PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.
O.K.
SO YOU COULDN'T
SHAKE HIM, HUH, BABE?
NO.
UH...
ROY, LOOK OVER THERE.
IT'S... IT'S THE BIG DIPPER.
ROY.
OH, YEAH.
NO. THAT'S ORION'S BELT.
EXCUSE ME.
GIVE ME THAT ROCK!
NOW, JUST STAND GUARD.
PREPARE...
SHUT UP!
SURE YOU DON'T MIND
SEEING THIS MOVIE?
OH, NO. ANNE BANCROFT,
OLYMPIA DUKAKIS,
AND HOLLY HUNTER?
WHAT TEENAGE BOY WOULDN'T
WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE?
AUGUST, DO YOU GET
ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY?
NO. MY FATHER
GIVES ME NO CREDIT,
TREATS ME LIKE A LITTLE KID,
DOESN'T RECOGNIZE
HOW OLD I AM INSIDE.
ME, TOO.
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
YEAH. YOU REALLY
WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE?
THERE'S NO ONE AT MY HOUSE.
I WANT TO SEE IT.
ME, TOO!
SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON?
TWO, PLEASE, FOR, UM...
THEY CAME TO TALK.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY MAKES ME HOT?
TELL ME.
THE BACK OF A MAN'S HEAD.
WELL, THEN, FEAST
YOUR EYES ON THIS!
OH, YEAH!
WHOA, WHOA! DICK IS COMING.
HALT OPERATION KILLROY.
DICK, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
YOU'LL KNOW THIS ONE.
IS THAT THE BIG DIPPER?
DON'T TRY TO KISS
UP. YOUR ASS IS GRASS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, ROY.
THIS IS WHERE THAT UFO
STORY ALWAYS ENDS UP...
YOU AND A WOMAN IN A CORNFIELD.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
I DID NOT ASK TO BE
BEAMED ON BOARD THAT SHIP
OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR.
EXCUSE ME. BEAMED?
YOU SAID SUCKED.
NO, I SAID BEAMED.
WHO HEARD SUCKED?
WELL, YEAH.
YOU'RE LYING.
[ROY] I'M LYING.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU!
NAME ONE THING I
DID WRONG TONIGHT.
YOU LIED, YOU EMBARRASSED
ME, YOU WERE YOURSELF.
WELL, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO NIT-PICK,
I'M LEAVING.
THANK GOD.
I'LL SEE YOU ON MOM'S BIRTHDAY?
YEAH. WANT TO GO
IN ON A PRESENT?
NOTHING OVER 40 BUCKS.
YOU GOT IT.
I NEED A RIDE.
OH, REALLY?
SALLY.
WHATEVER.
HEY, WAIT FOR ME.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'LL SEE HIM AT
YOUR MOM'S BIRTHDAY?
YEAH.
IT'S A BIRTHDAY. HE'S FAMILY.
SO NO MATTER HOW
OBNOXIOUS YOU ARE,
HOW MUCH OF A BURDEN YOU BECOME,
YOU CAN STILL COUNT ON THE
FORGIVENESS OF YOUR FAMILY?
YEAH.
EVEN IF THEY TOUCH YOUR RADIO,
REFUSE TO MAKE SMOKED CHUB,
AND DISOBEY YOUR
ORDERS NOT TO KILL?
YEAH, EVEN THEN.
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
I'M A BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT, DICK, COME ON.
I DISOBEYED ORDERS.
I DESERVE SOME PUNISHMENT.
WHAT'LL IT BE?
ORDINARILY I'D SEND YOU
TO SOME DESOLATE MOON
AND MAKE YOU STAND IN A CRATER
AND THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE DONE,
BUT I'VE REALIZED
I'VE GOT TO ACCEPT YOUR
FLAWS AND YOUR INADEQUACIES
BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SISTER NOW.
EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES
YOU TICK ME OFF,
I THINK I...
I LOVE YOU.
WHAT?
YOU'RE MY LITTLE SISTER...
AND I LOVE YOU.
NOW, HOW DOES
THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
WELL, UM...
I WANT TO BLAME
YOU FOR EVERYTHING
AND PUSH YOU OFF THE ROOF.
THAT'S GREAT!
DR. ALBRIGHT LOVES HER BROTHER.
SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY.
GREAT, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
I'M SO GLAD WE'VE
GOT THAT SETTLED.
ME, TOO.
AAH!
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/GRANTSMANSHIP
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
EARTH IS A PLACE
WHERE BACKING DOWN
CAUSES EGO PROBLEMS
AND BACKING UP CAUSES
SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/GRANTSMANSHIP
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M WAXING THE FLOOR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO KNOW
EVERY TIME I TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY,
I MOVE A STEP CLOSER
TO MY PROMOTION.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE TOP.
I DON'T CARE WHO I
STEP ON TO GET THERE.
WELL, NICE JOB, HARRY.
HUH! FLOOR'S SO SHINY,
I CAN SEE UP MY OWN DRESS.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
SALLY, I...
YOU TOUCHED MY RADIO.
NO, I DIDN'T.
I LEAVE IT TUNED TO
BIG COUNTRY 902.1.
I TURNED IT ON.
OUT CAME MUCHO SALSA 106.
YOU USED MY LEG RAZOR
TO SHAVE YOUR STUPID FACE.
THE DELICATE HANDLE'S
EASIER TO GRIP.
LISTEN, MR. ANAL, I'M SICK...
AM I GOING TO HAVE
TO SEPARATE YOU TWO?
ALL WE SEEM TO DO IS ARGUE,
EVER SINCE WE CAME HERE.
WE STUDIED NINE GALAXIES
IN PERFECT HARMONY.
AND WE DIDN'T LEAVE SCUFF MARKS.
WE ALWAYS SEEM TO BE
ANNOYED WITH EACH OTHER.
AS FASCINATING AS THAT
IS, IT'S IRRITATING AS HELL!
I'M SORRY. I WASN'T LISTENING.
I GET SHOOTING PAINS IN
MY HEAD WHEN YOU SPEAK.
AUGUST FINDS US QUITE CHARMING
IN OUR NAIVE DETERMINATION
TO STAY TOGETHER.
TELL YOUR LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND AUGUST
TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
DON'T DRINK OUT OF THE CARTON.
[SPITS]
FINE.
LOOK AT THIS!
WE'RE FAILING HERE!
WE'RE A FAMILY. WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO GET ALONG.
PLEASE TAKE THIS ARGUMENT
OFF MY LINOLEUM FLOOR.
I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PROMOTION NOW
IF YOU DON'T SAY
"REALLY" FOR TWO MINUTES.
REALLY?
YOU LOSE!
OH, DICK, SHE TRICKED ME.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
WELL, I GUESS I JUST
CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UNDER MY DESK?
SLEEPING.
WHY?
THE DESKTOP IS HARD AND COLD.
YOU HAVE A BED AT
HOME, DON'T YOU?
YES, BUT I CAN'T STAND MY HOUSE!
IT'S FILLED WITH...
FAMILY.
I COULDN'T LIVE WITH
MY BROTHER A WEEK.
YOU HAVE A BROTHER?
THAT'S GREAT. TELL ME ABOUT HIM.
HE HASN'T QUITE
GOTTEN SETTLED YET.
I DON'T THINK HE'S
MET THE RIGHT WOMAN.
WOMEN AREN'T PUT OFF BY HIM.
WELL, SOME ARE.
MOST ARE.
WHAT DOES HE DO?
SOMETHING DIFFERENT EVERY YEAR.
RIGHT NOW HE'S RESTORING HOUSES.
I HAVE A PICTURE
OF HIM SOMEWHERE.
IS THIS HIM? WHAT A GUT.
NO, THAT'S MY MOTHER.
THAT'S ROY.
CALL HIM. I'D LIKE TO MEET HIM.
WE DON'T GET TOGETHER MUCH.
YOU DON'T GET ALONG?
NO, NO, IT'S JUST HARD.
DOES HE LIVE FAR?
FROM MY HOUSE? OH, THREE...
FOUR BLOCKS.
SO YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
NOT VERY MUCH.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE HIM?
NOT VERY MUCH.
THEN YOU DON'T WANT TO
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
FINE. I'LL CALL HIM!
I'LL ASK HIM TO DROP BY.
WONDERFUL!
AND WHEN HE GETS HERE,
JUST ACT NORMAL.
I'D ASK YOU TO DO THE SAME,
BUT THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
HELLO, ROY?
TOMMY, WOULD YOU
SIGN MY WORKSHEET?
SURE. WHAT DID YOU DO?
OH, WELL, I PREPEELED
ALL THESE BANANAS
FOR EATING EASE.
WELL, GOOD JOB, HARRY.
YEAH.
MANGIA, MANGIA.
NOW I KNOW WHY
I LIKE YOU, TOMMY.
YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE AND
PATIENT WITH YOUR FAMILY.
THAT'S JUST THE
KIND OF GUY I AM.
YOU SPEND LOTS OF TIME TAKING
CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS.
EXCEPT MINE.
YEAH, WELL...
WAIT. AM I IN TROUBLE?
HOW DID I GET IN TROUBLE?
YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE. WE ARE.
I REALLY HOPE WE
DON'T HAVE TO BREAK UP.
WHEN DID WE BREAK UP?
IT'D BE GOOD IF WE
FOCUSED ON EACH OTHER.
I'LL SHOW YOU FOCUS.
LET'S SEE A MOVIE FRIDAY.
I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE, PLEASE?
YOU'RE SO NEEDY.
I'M SORRY.
NO. I LIKE THAT IN A MAN.
NO, SALLY, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE.
LET ME TELL YOU...
HELLO?
HELLO!
SALLY, I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO HANG UP ON...
HELLO?
SALLY?
DR. SOLOMON?
THIS IS MY BROTHER ROY.
WHOA!
YOUR HEAD IS HUGE.
THANK YOU.
ENORMOUS!
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU WORK
WITH 18-YEAR-OLD BUTTS
WAVING IN YOUR FACE?
I TRY. I TRY.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOURSELF.
IT MUST BE FASCINATING
RESTORING HOUSES.
I DON'T RESTORE HOUSES.
I SELL VINYL SIDING.
YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE
EFFECT VINYL HAS ON HOUSES.
SHE'S ALWAYS BRAGGING
ON ME 'CAUSE SHE LOVES ME.
'CAUSE SHE'S MY MONKEY GIRL.
OH, DON'T DO THAT.
AREN'T YOU THE MONKEY GIRL?
ARE YOU THE MONKEY GIRL?
WANT TO HEAR THE MONKEY SOUND?
NOT THE THE MONKEY SOUND. STOP.
AH... AH... AH... AH!
OH, SHE'S WONDERFUL!
PLAYFUL SIBLING AGGRESSION!
IT'S FANTASTIC!
PLEASE, CONTINUE.
OH, NO. AH... AH... AH... AH!
YOU MUST BE ROY. WE'VE SPOKEN.
I'M NINA.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
YOU DON'T SOUND
BLACK ON THE PHONE.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING I
PICKED UP IN SPY SCHOOL.
WHOO, HE'S NICE.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO
COME OVER FOR DINNER?
TONIGHT AT 7:00.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, YEAH.
I THINK THE MONKEY
MIGHT WANT TO GO.
YES... YES... YES... YES!
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
ROY, YOU ARE THE
PERFECT BROTHER.
THIS IS THE GUY YOU
SAID WAS A POMPOUS ASS?
THAT'S ME.
[SPRAYING SOUND]
SALLY, THE ALBRIGHTS WILL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.
THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
WHERE'S THE SALMON
MOUSSE, THE DUCK TERRINE,
THE SMOKED CHUB?
YOU KNOW, DICK,
I HAVE A CLEAVER IN MY HAND.
I GOT A DATE WITH AUGUST.
DON'T WAIT UP.
NO, NO!
DR. ALBRIGHT AND HER BROTHER
ARE COMING TO DINNER TONIGHT.
SO?
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THEM TOGETHER.
THEY'RE JUST...
ADORABLE.
THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EVERYTHING
THAT OUR FAMILY'S ISN'T.
WELL, THEN YOU JUST
TAKE GOOD NOTES,
BECAUSE TONIGHT IS MY
CHANCE TO GET INTO BRAVILLE.
YOU CAN GO TO BRAVILLE
SOME OTHER TIME.
[MARY] HELLO! IS IT
SAFE TO COME UP?
COME ON UP.
WELCOME...
ALBRIGHT CHILDREN.
ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOUR COATS.
DICK, MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
I AM TAKING INITIATIVE
AND THEIR COATS.
GOOD FOR YOU, HARRY.
THAT'S MY BROTHER HARRY,
AND THIS IS TOMMY, MY SON.
OH, HEY, PARTNER, HOW YOU DOING?
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
A QUARTER?
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO
IMPRESS A YOUNGSTER
WITH WHAT YOU THINK
IS A MYSTIFYING
FEAT OF TRICKERY.
HE'S A SMART ONE.
CUT YOUR HAIR.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.
SIT DOWN.
EVERYBODY, JUST MAKE
YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.
LET ME HAVE THAT.
CAN I HAVE A GLASS NOW?
TAKE THE WINE.
WINE TAKEN.
JORDAN H. ALMONDS!
YOU ARE ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
WHY DOES EVERY MAN
HAVE TO REMIND ME OF THAT
LIKE I'M GOING TO FORGET?
SALLY, AS SIBLINGS, ROY
AND MARY ARE FUN-LOVING
AND PLAYFUL.
YOU KNOW...
MARY AND I ARE THICK AS THIEVES.
HEY, MONKEY, REMEMBER THE TIME
MOM FOUND ALL MY PLAYBOYS
AND YOU SAID THEY WERE YOURS
AND HAD TO SPEND
TWO YEARS IN THERAPY?
HARRY, COME ON IN HERE.
LET'S ALL BE SOCIABLE.
OH.
I WAS SITTING THERE.
JUST RELAX.
INTERACT...
NATURALLY.
O.K., ROY, WHY DON'T
YOU START THINGS OFF
BY TELLING US SOME
AMUSING FAMILY STORIES?
I DON'T KNOW HOW
AMUSING THIS IS,
BUT THIS IS THE
MOST AMAZING THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR
YOUR STUPID STORY.
NO, I THINK THEY DO WANT TO HEAR
MY STUPID STORY.
NO, THEY DON'T.
YES, THEY WANT TO
HEAR MY STUPID STORY.
[DICK] ISN'T THIS FASCINATING?
ROY!
PLEASE, CONTINUE.
[ROY] YOU'LL THINK I'M CRAZY,
BUT...
I WAS ONCE...
ABDUCTED...
BY AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT.
OHH.
EXCUSE US.
[MARY] YOU PROMISED YOU
WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT!
NO, I PROMISED I WOULDN'T
MENTION YOUR CHIN IMPLANT.
NO! WE'RE NOT KILLING ANYONE!
SPACECRAFT, YOU SAY?
I GUESS A LAYMAN WOULD
CALL IT AN ABDUCTION,
BUT WHAT THOSE SPACE PEOPLE
DID TO ME THAT NIGHT
WAS MORE OF A
SPIRITUAL KIDNAPPING.
YEAH, RIGHT.
ALIENS TRAVELED BILLIONS OF
LIGHT YEARS THROUGH SPACE
TO RAM A PROBE UP
ROY ALBRIGHT'S BUTT.
TELL US ABOUT THE SPACE PEOPLE.
I'M DRIVING ALONG
THE ROAD ONE NIGHT.
I PULL OFF INTO THIS CORNFIELD.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
I SEE THIS RIP IN
THE ATMOSPHERE.
AND THEN HOVERING
RIGHT OVER MY HEAD
IS THIS GIANT HOVERING THING.
IT WAS A WEATHER BALLOON.
EXCEPT WEATHER BALLOONS
DON'T POKE YOU IN
THE EYES WITH NEEDLES.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE ANYONE WE KNOW.
I MEAN, WE KNOW.
GO ON.
I'M ON THIS SPACESHIP,
AND I'M SURROUNDED
BY ALL THIS...
FOAM?
EXACTLY.
YOU WERE NEVER IN A SPACESHIP!
I'VE GOT THE SCARS TO PROVE IT!
ROY LEWIS ALBRIGHT,
IF YOU HAVE ONE DECENT
BONE IN YOUR BODY,
YOU WON'T DO THIS TO ME.
YOU CAN SEE THERE.
THAT'S IT! I NEED SOME AIR.
DR. ALBRIGHT!
LET HER GO. GO ON.
NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M BEING SUCKED UP
INSIDE THIS BIG HOSE.
THE BIG HOSE?
THE BIG HOSE.
ROY, WILL YOU EXCUSE US?
WE GOT TO KILL HIM.
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
HE COULD TURN US IN.
WANT TO BE THE SUBJECT
OF SOME ALIEN AUTOPSY SHOW
ON THE FOX NETWORK?
YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
AND FOX IS NOT A NETWORK.
WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS YET.
I'M IN CHARGE OF
SECURITY. KILL HIM.
I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.
I'M PUTTING THIS
DECISION ON HOLD.
I'LL CHECK ON DR. ALBRIGHT,
AND YOU ENTERTAIN ROY.
I'LL PULL A QUARTER
OUT OF HIS EAR.
I'LL PULL HIS BRAIN
OUT OF HIS EAR.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. I'M SORRY ABOUT ROY.
I TOLD HIM NOT TO
TELL THAT STORY.
HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING I ASK.
THAT'S SALLY ALL OVER.
IT'S HARD BEING THE OLDEST.
THEY THINK WE'RE
TRYING TO RUN THEIR LIVES.
WHEN ALL WE'RE TRYING
TO DO IS CONTROL THEM.
DO YOU THINK ROY REALLY
WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?
NO, BUT I PRAYED FOR
IT EVERY NIGHT AS A KID.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU THINK THERE'S
INTELLIGENT LIFE UP THERE?
THERE?
NO!
NOT THERE.
THERE.
DICK, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?
O.K., LET ME REPHRASE THIS.
DICK, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?
EXCUSE ME.
THIS HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S IMPORTANT.
KNOW THAT CORNFIELD
BY THE INTERSTATE?
SALLY TOOK ROY
THERE TO KILL HIM.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
OH!
DAMN!
SHE'S WILLFULLY
DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
AND IN A CORNFIELD.
THAT'S SUCH A CLICHé.
SO, HEY...
THE KIDS WENT TO THE CORNFIELD
TO HAVE A LITTLE
FUN. LET'S JOIN THEM.
I DON'T WANT TO
GO TO A CORNFIELD.
MAYBE THE MONKEY WANTS TO GO.
WHAT?
DOES THE MONKEY WANT TO GO?
DON'T YOU DARE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
LET'S GO!
HELLO?
AUGUST?
WE HAD A DATE TONIGHT.
CORNFIELD TIME.
EITHER YOU GO WITH
HIM AND LIVE HIS LIFE,
OR COME WITH ME AND LIVE YOURS.
BUT... BUT HE NEEDS ME.
FINE. MAYBE NEXT WEEK
YOU CAN TRY AND
GET TO FIRST BASE
WITH YOUR DAD.
TOMMY!
BYE-BYE, DICK.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU WORK.
YOU LOOKED, YOU SAW, YOU TOOK.
NOW, CAN WE LOSE
FORREST GUMP OVER THERE?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT. I'LL GO TALK TO HIM.
I CAN HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
PLEASE, SALLY, LET ME KILL HIM.
IT'LL LOOK SO GOOD ON MY RéSUMé.
THE ANSWER'S NO.
OH, SALLY, PLEASE.
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU WANT THE JOB, IT'S YOURS,
BUT WE DO IT MY WAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
THE ACTION'S OVER HERE.
COMING!
O.K., TAKE THIS ROCK.
WHEN I SAY "BIG DIPPER,"
BASH HIM OVER THE
HEAD, CAN YOU DO THAT?
PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.
O.K.
SO YOU COULDN'T
SHAKE HIM, HUH, BABE?
NO.
UH...
ROY, LOOK OVER THERE.
IT'S... IT'S THE BIG DIPPER.
ROY.
OH, YEAH.
NO. THAT'S ORION'S BELT.
EXCUSE ME.
GIVE ME THAT ROCK!
NOW, JUST STAND GUARD.
PREPARE...
SHUT UP!
SURE YOU DON'T MIND
SEEING THIS MOVIE?
OH, NO. ANNE BANCROFT,
OLYMPIA DUKAKIS,
AND HOLLY HUNTER?
WHAT TEENAGE BOY WOULDN'T
WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE?
AUGUST, DO YOU GET
ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY?
NO. MY FATHER
GIVES ME NO CREDIT,
TREATS ME LIKE A LITTLE KID,
DOESN'T RECOGNIZE
HOW OLD I AM INSIDE.
ME, TOO.
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
YEAH. YOU REALLY
WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE?
THERE'S NO ONE AT MY HOUSE.
I WANT TO SEE IT.
ME, TOO!
SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON?
TWO, PLEASE, FOR, UM...
THEY CAME TO TALK.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY MAKES ME HOT?
TELL ME.
THE BACK OF A MAN'S HEAD.
WELL, THEN, FEAST
YOUR EYES ON THIS!
OH, YEAH!
WHOA, WHOA! DICK IS COMING.
HALT OPERATION KILLROY.
DICK, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
YOU'LL KNOW THIS ONE.
IS THAT THE BIG DIPPER?
DON'T TRY TO KISS
UP. YOUR ASS IS GRASS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, ROY.
THIS IS WHERE THAT UFO
STORY ALWAYS ENDS UP...
YOU AND A WOMAN IN A CORNFIELD.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
I DID NOT ASK TO BE
BEAMED ON BOARD THAT SHIP
OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR.
EXCUSE ME. BEAMED?
YOU SAID SUCKED.
NO, I SAID BEAMED.
WHO HEARD SUCKED?
WELL, YEAH.
YOU'RE LYING.
[ROY] I'M LYING.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU!
NAME ONE THING I
DID WRONG TONIGHT.
YOU LIED, YOU EMBARRASSED
ME, YOU WERE YOURSELF.
WELL, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO NIT-PICK,
I'M LEAVING.
THANK GOD.
I'LL SEE YOU ON MOM'S BIRTHDAY?
YEAH. WANT TO GO
IN ON A PRESENT?
NOTHING OVER 40 BUCKS.
YOU GOT IT.
I NEED A RIDE.
OH, REALLY?
SALLY.
WHATEVER.
HEY, WAIT FOR ME.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'LL SEE HIM AT
YOUR MOM'S BIRTHDAY?
YEAH.
IT'S A BIRTHDAY. HE'S FAMILY.
SO NO MATTER HOW
OBNOXIOUS YOU ARE,
HOW MUCH OF A BURDEN YOU BECOME,
YOU CAN STILL COUNT ON THE
FORGIVENESS OF YOUR FAMILY?
YEAH.
EVEN IF THEY TOUCH YOUR RADIO,
REFUSE TO MAKE SMOKED CHUB,
AND DISOBEY YOUR
ORDERS NOT TO KILL?
YEAH, EVEN THEN.
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
I'M A BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT, DICK, COME ON.
I DISOBEYED ORDERS.
I DESERVE SOME PUNISHMENT.
WHAT'LL IT BE?
ORDINARILY I'D SEND YOU
TO SOME DESOLATE MOON
AND MAKE YOU STAND IN A CRATER
AND THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE DONE,
BUT I'VE REALIZED
I'VE GOT TO ACCEPT YOUR
FLAWS AND YOUR INADEQUACIES
BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SISTER NOW.
EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES
YOU TICK ME OFF,
I THINK I...
I LOVE YOU.
WHAT?
YOU'RE MY LITTLE SISTER...
AND I LOVE YOU.
NOW, HOW DOES
THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
WELL, UM...
I WANT TO BLAME
YOU FOR EVERYTHING
AND PUSH YOU OFF THE ROOF.
THAT'S GREAT!
DR. ALBRIGHT LOVES HER BROTHER.
SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY.
GREAT, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
I'M SO GLAD WE'VE
GOT THAT SETTLED.
ME, TOO.
AAH!
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
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CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
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