3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 8 - Body & Soul & Dick - full transcript

An obnoxious professor dies and his will says he wants Dick to speak at his funeral.

AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,

ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.

THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.

IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.

THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.

HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...

A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,

A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,

AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.

THE EARTH IS COVERED
WITH A DEEP, HARD CRUST...

ALTHOUGH IT DOES HAVE A
WONDERFUL CHEWY CENTER.



CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,

AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP

IS IT CABLE YET?

HEY, HEY, IS IT CABLE?

YOU'RE WIRED.

OHH!

THIS IS THE SECOND
MOST EXCITING THING

I'VE EVER HELD IN MY HAND.

HARRY, YOU READY TO GO?

OH, DICK, WE'VE GOT
CABLE! 72 CHANNELS!

AND UNLIKE PRIMITIVE
FREE TELEVISION,

THIS ONE WE GET TO PAY FOR.

THAT'S NICE.

SALLY, HAVE YOU FINISHED
IN THE BATHROOM YET?



YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YOU LIVE IN AN ATTIC?

YOU'RE POOR? THAT'S SO COOL!

THANKS.

HI!

WHO'S THAT?

CHERYL. SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.

A WHAT?

SHOW THEM A CHEER.

NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

COME ON, COME ON. O.K.!

READY!

O.K.!

GO R! GO A!

GO M! GO S!

R-A-M-S!

LET'S GO, RAMS!

WHOO!

ALL RIGHT.

SO...

SHE'S PROUD OF HER SPELLING.

I'LL MEET YOU IN THE KITCHEN.

WE CAN STUDY IN THERE.

TOMMY, WHAT HAPPENED TO AUGUST?

WELL, AUGUST IS BRIGHT
AND INTELLIGENT AND FUNNY,

AND I LOVE TO BE WITH HER,

BUT CHERYL'S EASY.

SO YOU'RE JEOPARDIZING

A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP

FOR PURE PHYSICAL PLEASURE.

EXACTLY.

VERY WELL. CARRY ON.

THANK YOU, SIR.

SALLY, HERE'S YOUR COAT.

BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR.

THIS IS A PARTY IN HONOR
OF LEONARD HANLIN.

WHY? NOBODY LIKES HIM.

THEY HATE HIM, BUT
THEY HONOR HIM...

A HUMAN PHENOMENON
I FIND FASCINATING.

BEHIND HIS BACK,
THEY DERIDE HIM,

BUT TO HIS FACE,
THEY KISS HIS ASS.

THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF STUNT

YOU CAN SEE ONLY ON CABLE.

PLUS WE GOT SPORTS,
MUSIC, MOVIES.

OH, AND LOOK...

EL MUNDO PACIFICO.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

AH! ES MUY BUENO.

NO. NO IS BUENO.

VENGA.

VAMOS A FIESTA.

NECESITAMOS IR. ¿PORQUE?

HEY, HEY, HEY! !
SI YO VOY, TU VAS!

MOMENTO.

¿QUE LENGUA HABLAMOS?

ESPAñOL.

¿CUAL ES LA LENGUA
OFFICIAL DE OHIO?

INGLES.

INGLES. ¡ENTONCES,
HABLAMOS INGLES!

OH! OH!

EARTH... GO FIGURE.

IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE.

WELL, THANK YOU, DEAN SUMNER.

AND YOU, BE A PLEASANT TOADY

AND BRING ME ANOTHER
ONE, WOULD YOU?

DR. HANLIN, WE SO ADMIRE
YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

WELL, I ADMIRE YOUR
COURAGE, MRS. SUMNER.

AN AUDUBON PRINT OVER
THE MANTLE PASSING FOR ART...

THAT TAKES GUTS.

LOOK WHO I FOUND.
IT'S DR. SOLOMON.

WELL, AN HONEST MAN

IN A DEN OF BOOTLICKERS...

NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY
HAVING MY BOOTS LICKED.

IT'S JUST THAT I FIND
YOU ALL CONTEMPTIBLE.

SO, TELL ME, DICK. WHAT
DO YOU THINK OF MY WORK?

MECHANISTIC AND
DISTURBINGLY FASCIST,

BUT PRETENTIOUS HIGH SCHOOLERS

MIGHT FIND IT THOUGHT-PROVOKING.

I THINK IT'S GROUND-BREAKING.

I DON'T NEED THE OPINION

OF A WATER BOY WITH TENURE.

I'M TALKING TO MY FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOU, SOLOMON.

WELL, UH, I DON'T LIKE YOU.

BUT I DON'T THINK
ANYBODY HATES ME

MORE THAN YOUR
FRIEND, DOCTOR, UM...

ALBRIGHT.

YES!

PROBABLY BECAUSE
I TURNED HER DOWN.

I NEED SOMETHING FROM THE BAR.

YES, THAT SHOULD SOLVE
ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

WELL, THEN, LET'S GET DRINKING.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WELL, SOMEBODY SAID

THERE WAS A GIANT,
FLAMING JACKASS OVER HERE?

THEY PUT IT OUT.

I HATE THAT MAN!

I WISH THERE WAS
SOME WAY HE COULD BE...

NICER?

NO. DEAD.

WELL, YOU'RE PUBLISHED AGAIN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

NINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU'RE A SECRETARY.

YOU'RE DR. SOLOMON'S SISTER.

YOU'RE A LOT BETTER
LOOKING THAN HE IS.

HEY, I'M UP HERE!

YES. ALL WOMEN WOULD
LIKE TO THINK THAT.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE YOUR EYEBALLS

IN THE BOTTOM OF A MARTINI
GLASS? 'CAUSE I CAN DO IT.

OOH!

THE AMAZON'S GOING
TO MANHANDLE ME!

YOU'RE NOT WORTH
THE BROKEN NAIL.

UH!

DR. HANLIN?

DR. HANLIN!

SOMEBODY CALL 9-1-1-!

I... I THINK HE'S DEAD.

[GASPS]

DR. ALBRIGHT!

YOU GOT YOUR WISH!

O.K. SO THE KINDS OF TRIANGLES

ARE ISOSCELES,
EQUILATERAL, SCALENE,

AND WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?

WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW THIS

IF I'M GOING TO BE A TEACHER?

YOU WANT A SODA?

'K!

THERE'S JUICE IF YOU'D
RATHER HAVE THAT, OR WATER.

HI.

AUGUST, Y-YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH. WE HAVE A SCIENCE
PROJECT, REMEMBER?

UM, YEAH. RIGHT.

I THINK I WANT A SODA.

OH!

HELLO...

AUGGIE.

CHERYL.

THERE'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.

IS IT YOUR HAIR?

NO.

OH, YOU'RE HOLDING A BOOK!

TOMMY, COULD YOU HURRY UP?

I'M REALLY THIRSTY.

CHERYL'S... HELPING ME
WITH MY MATH HOMEWORK.

SHE IS!

IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT
WITH CHERYL, THAT'S O.K.

WE HAVEN'T MADE ANY SERIOUS
DECLARATIONS OF OUR FEELINGS,

SO THERE ISN'T THE
ISSUE OF OWNERSHIP.

BUT... AND JUST LIKE
CHERYL, THIS IS A BIG BUT...

YOU CAN AT LEAST BE HONEST.

NO, AUGUST, WAIT.

AUGUST, HOLD ON.

I... I'M SORRY.
AUGUST, I'M SORRY!

HELLO!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING
ME SOMETHING TO DRINK.

OH, RIGHT. SORRY.

SORRY.

DIET.

SORRY!

SORRY. SORRY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYBODY DIE BEFORE.

I KNOW. IT'S AMAZING.

ONE MINUTE, HE'S ACTIVE,
AND THE NEXT, HE'S INERT.

FIRST HE'S LIMBER,
AND THEN HE'S STIFF.

HIS EYES ARE TWINKLY,
THEN THEY'RE MILKY.

HE'S ROSY, THEN
SALLOW, OILY, THEN DRY,

GURGLY, THEN SILENT...

WILL YOU STOP?

DICK. DICK.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

WHAT?

I KILLED HIM.

OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

DIDN'T I SAY BEST BEHAVIOR?

I NEVER MEANT TO KILL HIM!

WHY CAN'T YOU BE
LIKE DR. ALBRIGHT?

SHE WANTED HIM DEAD.
BUT DID SHE ACT ON IT? NO!

BECAUSE SHE'S A LADY!

THE POLICE ARE HERE. WE'VE
GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WE WILL. JUST WALK OUT CALMLY.

O.K. HERE WE GO.

LOOK CASUAL.

NO. NO, NO.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW

WHY DR. HANLIN DIED.

HE HAD A BAD HEART,

HE IGNORED HIS DOCTOR'S ADVICE.

HE BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF.

OH, THANK GOD!

YES!

LET'S EAT!

ALL RIGHT!

PROMISE ME SOMETHING.

WHAT?

PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER DO

WHAT DR. HANLIN
DID AT THE PARTY.

FEEL UP THE CATERER? I WON'T.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER COLLAPSE

AND BE HAULED
AWAY UNDER A SHEET.

BECAUSE THE THOUGHT
OF YOU LYING THERE,

PURPLE, RIGID, AND DISTENDED...

JUST MAKES ME SO SAD.

'K.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

RUN OUT OF HERE, GRAB
A COUPLE OF HORSES,

RIDE BAREBACK THROUGH
THE WOODS ALL NIGHT

AND MAKE LOVE IN A
MEADOW AT SUNRISE!

I HAVE A CLASS
IN FIVE MINUTES...

AND THAT'S JUST THE
FIRST OF MY RESERVATIONS.

FORGET CLASS! LET'S LIVE!

LET'S TASTE DANGER!

LET'S GO FOR THE GUSTO,
CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED!

LET'S DRIVE FAST AND EAT CHEESE!

ARE YOU INSANE?

I'VE SIMPLY AWAKENED TO
THE SENSUAL POSSIBILITIES

OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.

[SNIFFS]

YOU KNOW, I THINK
SHE'S FULLY INFLATED.

WHAT IS IT, NINA?

THIS LETTER JUST CAME FOR YOU.

IT'S FROM DR. HANLIN.

"DEAR DR. SOLOMON,

"IF YOU ARE READING THIS,

"IT MEANS THAT I AM DEAD.

"AS ONE HONEST MAN TO ANOTHER,

"IT IS MY DYING WISH

"THAT YOU DELIVER
AN HONEST EULOGY

WITHOUT ANY EMBELLISHMENT
OR FLATTERING CRAP."

AN HONEST EULOGY. I CAN DO THAT.

NO, YOU CAN'T!

AN HONEST EULOGY FOR
THAT MAN WOULD BE INSULTING!

I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT HIM

THAT'S BOTH HONEST
AND UPLIFTING.

OOH. OH, HOW ABOUT..

WE LOVE HIM MORE
TODAY THAN YESTERDAY?

S-P...

I-R...

I-T...

GOT THE SPIRIT. LET'S HEAR IT!

S-P...

I-R...

I-T...

GOT THE SPIRIT. LET'S HEAR IT!

OH, GOSH!

SHE'S GOT THE SPIRIT!
ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL?

YEAH. THE MAGIC NEVER ENDS.

MRS. DUPCEK, DID YOU HEAR THIS?

YES, I HEARD IT. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE,

BUT I HAVE PLASTER
FALLING INTO MY JACUZZI.

I'VE NEVER HEARD IT
CALLED THAT BEFORE.

TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

LATER, TOMMY.

SO, TOMMY, CAN'T
FIND FULFILLMENT

IN A MEANINGLESS RELATIONSHIP

WITH A SUPERFICIAL,
SIMPLEMINDED BIMBO?

I KNOW.

I'M JUST AS BAFFLED AS YOU ARE.

MRS. DUPCEK,

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVOLVED
IN FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS?

WELL, NOT FOR MYSELF.
FOR MY SECOND HUSBAND.

LOVELY FUNERAL. VERY NICE.

I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS EULOGY.

WHAT WAS HIS LIKE?

WELL, IT WAS AN OUTDOOR SERVICE.

THEN THIS WOMAN CAME
ALONG ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS

BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T
FIND HER WAY HOME.

AND WE WERE SO TOUCHED

THAT WE JUST FORGOT
ABOUT CARL'S EULOGY

AND JUST PLANTED HIM.

SO I... I JUST NEED TO FIND

SOME BABBLING ECCENTRIC
TO CREATE A DIVERSION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON SATURDAY?

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY YOU'RE
SO DAMNABLY HANDSOME.

WHY DOES DEATH HAVE
TO BE SO INCONVENIENT?

TO DIE, TO SLEEP...

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM...

OHH...

THERE'S THE RUB...

FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME?

WHEN WE HAVE SHUFFLED
OFF THIS MORTAL COIL,

MUST GIVE US PAUSE.

WHAT'S THAT FROM?

I DON'T KNOW. SOME
MEL GIBSON MOVIE.

MEL GIBSON...

HE'S DREAMY.

MMM. MMM. MMM. MMM.

IF WE MEASURE "X" IN GRAMS

AND "Y" IN CENTIMETERS
PER SECOND,

AND "Z" IS MEASURED
IN A UNIT OF ENERGY

WE CALL ERGS,

THE COMPLETE CONVERSION
OF 1 GRAM OF MASS INTO ENERGY

THUS RELEASES 1 X 3 X 10
TO THE 10th POWER SQUARED,

WHICH BRINGS ME
TO ANOTHER POINT...

YOUR LIVES ARE FRAGILE
AND YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

YOUR TIME IS SHORT, AND...

I BARELY KNOW ANY OF YOU!

CLOSE YOUR BOOKS.

I WANT TO SIT AMONG YOU.

I WANT TO SHARE YOU
THOUGHTS, LEARN YOUR FEARS,

EXPOSE YOUR DARKEST SECRETS.

WHO'S FIRST?

BUG, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

UH...

WHY ARE YOU CALLED BUG?

I GOT HIT BY A VOLKSWAGEN.

AND LEON.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

HERE.

THERE. YOU SEE?
THIS IS FASCINATING!

WHO'S NEXT? PITMAN.

UH... WHAT ABOUT
YOU, DR. SOLOMON?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

O.K.

I'M SURE THAT YOU'VE ALL
HEARD OF THE RADIO TELESCOPE.

WELL... FUNNY STORY. TRUE STORY.

I'M NOT HUMAN.

[BELL RINGS]

WELL, THAT'S ALL
THE TIME WE HAVE.

BY THE WAY, I ASSUME SOME OF YOU

HAVE TAKEN A CLASS
FROM DR. HANLIN.

DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANY STORIES ABOUT HIM?

I NEED SOMETHING NICE.

I KNOW THAT IT WAS
HIS FINAL REQUEST

THAT I BE FORTHRIGHT AND HONEST,

BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO
FIND ANYTHING GOOD

TO SAY ABOUT THIS MAN,

AND I'VE BEEN LOOKING.

WELL, YOU KNOW, DICK,

EVERYONE HAS
GOODNESS WITHIN THEM.

IF YOU LOOK BENEATH
THE SURFACE FAR ENOUGH,

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DISCOVER

A BASIC INNER CORE OF GOODNESS

THAT MAKES US ALL
CHILDREN OF GOD.

WELL...

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO TRY AND FIND THAT

IN DR. HANLIN.

LEONARD HANLIN?

OH, WOW, GOOD LUCK.

LISTEN, AUGUST, ABOUT CHERYL.

NO. I JUST...

NO. LOOK, WE USED
TO BE INVOLVED.

THAT'S OVER. I'M O.K. WITH THAT.

LET'S NOT LET IT AFFECT
OUR ACADEMIC RELATIONSHIP.

NO, I MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER.

I DON'T WANT CHERYL. I WANT YOU.

OF COURSE YOU WANT ME.

WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS?

YOU COULD TAKE
ME SOMEPLACE NICE.

ALL RIGHT. UM... O.K.

THERE'S THIS THING I GOT TO
GO TO TOMORROW AFTERNOON,

'CAUSE MY DAD KNEW THIS GUY.

IT'S, UM... YOU
HAVE TO DRESS UP,

'CAUSE IT'S REALLY, REALLY NICE.

SURE.

SO WHEN THEY ASKED
ME TO COME TO EARTH,

I THOUGHT, WHY NOT?

I WAS IN A RUT, WORKING
FOR THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

YOU KNOW HIM.

HARRY!

UH... JUST A MINUTE.

WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO?

NOBODY.

DR. HANLIN!

HOW DID HE GET HERE?

I GAVE HIM A RIDE.

THIS ISN'T DR. HANLIN ANYMORE.

IT'S AN EMPTY VESSEL.

IF HE WERE ALIVE,
COULD I DO THIS?

COULD ANY MAN ALIVE
RESIST A FRESH BANANA?

I REST MY CASE!

BUT, DICK, WHEN OUR MISSION ENDS

AND WE LEAVE THIS PLANET,

WILL OUR BODIES
END UP LIKE THAT?

OF COURSE!

IT'S HAPPENED A MILLION TIMES!

WE STUDY A PLANET. WE
TAKE ON THE LIFE FORMS.

WE FINISH THE JOB. WE
DISCARD THE LIFE FORMS.

DICK, I FEEL DIFFERENT HERE.

I LIKE SALLY.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
TO HER WHEN I'M GONE?

WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL HER STUFF...

ALL HER SHOES?

YOU WON'T CARE,

BECAUSE THE THING
THAT'S REALLY YOU

WILL BE IN ANOTHER GALAXY.

AND SALLY WILL BE
JUST LIKE DR. HANLIN.

WHOA, DICK, HE'S
GOING FOR THE BANANA!

I NEED TO RUN THIS
EULOGY BY YOU.

I THINK I FOUND
A POSITIVE ANGLE.

"OFFICE SPACE IS AT A
PREMIUM ON THIS CAMPUS,

STOP! SO YOU'LL
BE HAPPY TO HEAR..."

THE MAN IS DEAD!

We're ready to start.

SEE HOW... HOW NICE IT IS?

THIS IS THE THING FOR THE GUY

YOU INVITED ME TO?

YEAH.

WHAT?

HOW...

CAN WE HONOR THE MEMORY

OF A MAN LIKE LEONARD HANLIN?

WELL...

HE WAS GOVERNED BY
THE LAWS OF PHYSICS...

AS ARE ALL LIVING THINGS.

IT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT

THAT HEARTS AND CLOCKS SLOW DOWN

AS THEY APPROACH
THE SPEED OF LIGHT,

THE POINT AT WHICH MATTER
IS CONVERTED INTO ENERGY.

DR. HANLIN'S HEART
APPROACHED THAT SPEED

ON FRIDAY EVENING...

AT 7:57,

ACCORDING TO THE CORONER,

CONVERTING HIS
MATTER INTO ENERGY,

INTO PURE WHITE LIGHT.

THOUGH HE IS NO LONGER WITH US,

HE IS ALL AROUND US.

Thank you.

THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY

BEAUTIFUL.

MATTER TO ENERGY?

COULD YOU HAVE BEEN MORE TRITE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PHONE IT IN?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY

AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP

THE FACT THAT SOME DAY
WE'LL LOSE THESE BODIES

MAKES ME WANT MORE.

I WANT TO SHARE
MYSELF WITH SOMEONE.

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO.

I WANT TO SAVOR EVERY MOMENT.

I WANT TO SEE PLACES
OUTSIDE OF OHIO.

MMM. I WANT ONE OF
THOSE BIG CHEESEBURGERS

WITH THREE BUNS.

I WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

YOU SEE PEOPLE WITH THEM?

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE THIS BIG?

A BABY?

YEAH!

AREN'T YOU KIND OF STUCK WITH
A BABY FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

NO. YOU ONLY HAVE A
BABY FOR LIKE TWO YEARS.

HAH!

MEN!

DICK, WHEN ARE WE GOING
TO LEAVE THESE BODIES?

WHEN WE'VE LEARNED
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW

ABOUT LIFE.

WELL... GOOD THING WE GOT CABLE.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

♪ LIFE IS JUST A
BOWL OF CHERRIES ♪

♪ SO LIVE AND LAUGH AT IT ALL ♪

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