30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 6 - Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy - full transcript

What?

Hold on.
Your name is Jack Donaghy?

- That's hilarious.
- I beg your pardon.

Where is your supervisor?

Oh, you sound
just like him.

Now say, "don't talk to me
like that.

Don't you know who I am?"

I will not say that
because you just ruined it.

Jack Donaghy.

What, pray tell,
is so funny?

I'll give you something
to laugh about.



I can't believe he said it.

Gabe, Google: "Jack Donaghy
and black laughter."

Hold up.

You're Jack Donaghy.

Why am I suddenly
an object of derision

in your community?

I've championed diversity
on NBC.

I mean, we've got football.

That's pretty black,
right?

I'm laughing because
Jack Donaghy

is the bad guy from
Tracy Jordan's

Aunt Phatso movie.

But you can't
shut us down.

The $25,000 rap competition
is in two days.



Well, unless you can
come up with $25,000

in just two days, I'm turning
this community center

into of my garbage dumps.

Ooh, damn you,
Jack Donaghy.

Aah!

30 ROCK
S07 Ep06 - Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy

Aah, this is
so embarrassing.

I accidentally
wore my tap shoes today.

Well, might as well
do my act.

Now imagine
I'm wearing underwear.

Hazel, what'd I tell you
last time

you tried to audition
for me?

"Aah, who's there?
Please don't hurt me.

The safe's
in my children's room."

You're not getting
on the show.

Too bad, Hazel.

Look like everyone's
onto your crazy now.

Why don't you make like
a woman driver and get lost?

'Cause I'd rather
make like the father

I never had and stay.

Well, don't worry
about me, Jenna.

I've got everyone I need
on my side.

Who, Kenneth?

The things he knows
about you people...

For instance,
someone here

sucks on old baby wipes
to get the alcohol out of them.

Who does that?
That's my thing!

And one of the days,
Kenneth's gonna

tell me something
I can use.

And then I'll make
my move.

Well, time is running out.

Tick tock, Hazel.

The clock is ticking.

Well, you know
what else ticks?

A time bomb.

So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.

Oh, there she is.
Finally.

Liz, where have you been?

I told you, like,
ten times.

I had a doctor's
appointment today.

My bunions
are out of control.

The podiatrist said
the only possible explanation

is that one of my ancestors
mated with a dinosaur.

Well, while you were out
we had a little budget snafu.

We can't build any new sets.
Ugh.

So you're gonna have
to completely rewrite

tomorrow's show so that

everything takes place
in a farmhouse.

Pete, the budget
is your job.

Who are we to stay
what anything is?

Okay.

What did you write
after Pete told you we're short?

Liz, we spent a long time

trying to come up with
a good excuse for why

we didn't write anything,
but we failed.

I put off this doctor's
appointment for months.

They had to saw me
out of my sneakers.

And I need
quadruple-bunion surgery,

but I can't get it
because I would

have to be off my feet
for three weeks.

And that would require
someone else around here

to actually step up.

I would stomp off
right now,

but my doctor says
I need to walk like this.

Delightful... Charlie Chaplin.

You have the moustache
and everything.

What's the matter,
Jack Donaghy?

Did somebody accidentally
swing a wrecking ball...

What are you doing in here?

Uh, Lemon,
do you think I'm a villain?

I have heard you say,
"guard, seize him."

That was at a Knicks game.

They needed
to stop the clock.

Why are you limping?

A foot illness or
fell running for food?

I need bunion surgery,

but I can't get
bunion surgery

because I have to do everything
around here.

No, you choose
to do everything around here.

- You need an assistant.
- What? No.

I mean, I can always
use Cerie.

Although, the one time
I did send her on an errand

she met some guy
who flew her to Paris,

and then she started
modeling.

And then she ended up
being the reason

why the French soccer team
did so badly

in the 2010 world cup.

Hire someone,
someone dedicated

to making your life easier.

I don't know.

You wanna start a family,
you have to prioritize.

How can you take care
of a child

if you can't take care
of your own feet?

Hey, Grizz.
Hey, Dot Com.

Get me a black coffee,
by which

I mean, a sunkist.

How could you think
we're Grizz and Dot Com?

'Cause I don't see race,
you white bastards.

Tracy...

Would you care
to explain this?

What, pray tell,
is so funny?

Jack Donaghy, don't you know
in this neighborhood

you got to take
your tires with you?

Aunt Phatso, you're fired.

You're all fired.

What is this?

That's Tracy Jordan's
Aunt Phatso

goes to the hospitals
goes to jail.

- When did you make a movie?
- Fourth of July weekend.

I wrote, directed, and
did all of the makeup myself.

Oh, it's terrible.

We made $50 million...
In Atlanta.

That man
is portraying me.

That's Leslie Van Vondervann.

He's used to be on
"knots landing."

My twin is dead.

Unacceptable.

After all I've done
for you...

I've brought you
back from the dead

and revived you career.

And this is how
you thank me?

You will respect me.

And you will respect
these boobies.

I want every DVD
of this movie

removed from stores,
burned,

and melted into a statue
of you apologizing to me.

I will do no such thing.

The only statue that movie
will be turned into

is a N.A.A.C.P.
shame award.

Hey, is there another
one of these coming out?

Because I think I saw
an ad for it

in Urban Butt magazine.

They have an excellent
word jumble.

The new movie's called
Tracy Jordan's

Aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy's
we at it again.

Oh, you will not
release that movie.

You can't order me around.

Who do you think I am?
Liz Lemon?

I will not have you
talk to me

like I'm some kind of
Liz Lemon.

Whatever. I'll speak at
both your funerals.

Typical Jack Donaghy,
giving me no respect.

I'm the CEO
of my own company.

I'm rich.
I'm just like you!

Just like me?
I went to Princeton.

I neglected a tiger.

I'm on the board
of the New York Philharmonic.

I'm friends with
Phil Harmonic,

the worst rapper
of all time.

And I'm your boss.
I own you.

Think about that during
your five-night appearance

on Watch what happens live.

No! Andy Cohen
is so catty.

And that's
just the beginning.

If you don't take care
of this,

you're fired.

You're all fired.

So tell me
about your day, Kevin.

I mean, Todd.

Well, this morning
miss Lemon

- had one of her meltdowns.
- Really?

About what?
Mm.

Because she can't balance
work and personal life.

But I mean,
after seven years

and hundreds
of these episodes,

it's like, let's move on.

Liz needs help.

She needs someone
who's ambitious

and talented and humble
and a liar.

That's where
Hazel comes in.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
let me hang those up for you.

You've got better
things to do,

- you genius.
- Okay. Thanks.

Oh, also, I put all
the new promos on your computer.

And I wasn't sure
how you take your coffee,

so mouth or enema?

What's going on here,
Hazel?

You need help.

I know you're trying
to get pregnant

because I think about it
all the time.

You on top,
your hair whipping around.

But what if you do
have a kid

and you have to leave work
because your daughter

shot her choir teacher's
husband?

I mean, that's
the kind of stuff

my mom had to deal with.

Wow, okay.

Well, I'm just not sure
that I'm comfortable...

Did you get me
a second mini-fridge?

No. I got you
a mini-freezer,

full of candy bars so cold

they'll crack your jaw,
you bitch.

I didn't say any...

Look, I wanna help.

You're my hero.
Just give me a chance.

Sisters helping sisters.
Glass ceiling.

Legitimate rape.

Okay, Hazel.

I'm gonna get
my foot surgery.

And if you can be
my eyes and ears

while I'm stuck on the couch,
you've got the job.

Great.

Now, if it's okay
with you,

I am gonna go
wash your sweatshirt.

You got it unstuck
from the chair!

Good evening.

The New York Philharmonic
is thrilled to announce

that we've recently received
a very generous donation

that will keep us
fully endowed

for the next decade.

In honor of that gift,
tonight's scheduled program

of Debussy and Rachmaninoff
will be replaced

with a selection chosen
by our anonymous donor.

So please enjoy
a four-hour rendition

of the theme song
from Sanford and Son.

Now who's in charge?

Hazel, thank you,

for taking care
of everything.

I can't believe
you got my health plan

to cover all this.
Oh.

You just need to know
what to say to them,

like their children's names

and what they wore
to school today.

Oh.

Oh, will you
send Frank in?

I wanna see what they wrote
to fill the fifth act.

Or. Since I'm here
to help,

maybe I could
fill the time.

I still know my rhythmic
gymnastics routine.

I was good...

Until I hit puberty
and the coaches said

- I got too pregnant.
- Are you kidding?

I'm not gonna
put you on the show.

Oh.

- Uh, Lemon, a word?
- Hey, guy!

You can't just walk in here
whenever you want.

How can I help you?

So Lemon has an assistant?
Excellent.

Jack Donaghy
to see Liz Lemon.

Mm.

A Mr. Donaghy here for you.

Get off this channel!

This is
a military frequency.

Okay, you can go in.

So you got your surgery

and the world hasn't ended?

I think I can do this,
Jack, all of it.

I mean, right now,
my feet

are kind of like babies.

I have to swaddle them,
and they need ointment,

and, like, six times a day
brown stuff comes out of them.

You're beautiful babies,
yes you are.

Look, Lemon,
I need some advice.

Tracy is actually
trying to fight back.

He ruined a wonderful evening
at the philharmonic,

paying them to play
the same song

over and over again
for hours.

♪ I can't remember...

♪ I can't remember
what it was ♪

But the point is,
the man is totally irrational.

You know what?
Tracy's right.

- You two are a lot alike.
- I beg your pardon?

You're both stubborn,
you're rich,

you think you're right
all the time.

You wanted to prove
that you're not like Tracy?

- Let it go.
- Or crush him,

and prove you both wrong.

Get two birds
with one stone,

like when I used Mick Jagger
to lure Roger McGuinn

and David Crosby
to my birthday party.

Listen yourself.
You sound exactly like Tracy.

No.

Just the person
I wanted to see.

Oh. Hi, Kenneth.

Look, I need to tell you
something about Hazel.

Oh, no, ma'am.
I don't think

I should talk to you
anymore about her.

You only have
bad things to say.

Uh, Hazel's my girlfriend.

Kenneth,
this sounds insane,

but I care about you
as a friend.

I take in 50 calories
a day and

I'm using them all up
just trying to help you.

Then just be happy
that I'm happy.

You're happy
because of Hazel?

What could she possibly
give you that I can't?

Well, I'll tell you
what she gives me, Ms. Maroney.

She listens to me.

Just tell me
what it is.

I tell her what happened
during my day

and she actually
wants to hear about it.

Can you give me that,
Ms. Maroney?

I don't know.

Ah, Tracy,
thank you for coming.

Please, have a seat.

No, thank you.
I prefer to lie down.

These are my lawyers.

One is German,
one is Japanese.

And you don't bring these guys
together to play Patty-cake.

This is war.

Bad news, Jack.

War's my favorite card game.

And I win
about half the time.

Here's the rub, Tracy.

Because you were
reckless enough

to name your businessman
villain "Jack Donaghy,"

I can sue you for libel.

I'm gonna take
every Penny you have.

Not the ones
I've swallowed.

We'll see about that.

Dude, it's not libel.

Everything Jack Donaghy
does in the movie,

I've seen you do
in real life.

Really?
When have you seen me

do something like this?

You're a menace,
Aunt Phatso.

But now that I'm on
the city council,

I'm cancelling
your urban youth program.

Oh, Lord!

What? You did cancel
a program for urban youth.

It was my Saturday morning
kid's show,

Uncle Tracy's
black teletubbies rip-off.

I cancelled it because,
like you,

it was overly sexual
and impossible to understand.

- Grabalujah!
- Fine!

I've technically cancelled
an urban children's program.

But what about this assault
on my good name?

Not so fast,
you crone.

I bought all the wheelchair
ramps in this city.

And I'm turning them into
more profitable stairs!

When have I ever
verbally accosted

an old woman
in a wheelchair?

Liz Lemon,
20 minutes ago.

Another technicality.

But the climax
of this monstrosity...

That is what she said.

Is when Jack Donaghy
shuts down an orphanage.

And I have never
shut down an orphanage.

You're right.
I put that in

just to have a part in there
for a little girl in my movie.

I'm Willow Smith-ing
my daughter.

Her album drops next week.

Christmas

Blankie.

This is libel, Tracy.
I win.

Checkmate.
Game, set, match.

Rumbledy-goo...

Which is what you say
when you win in polo.

Tell me about your day.

I'm listening.

Well, Ms. Maroney,

This morning, I was...

You're doing amazing.

I wish you could see
how sexy your listening face is.

For Halloween,
you should go as a slutty ear.

What do you wanna do now?

Sing?
Yeah, let's.

♪ I'll be up here

♪ and I'll be down here

♪ Jenna's blonde
as a sunrise ♪

♪ hot as the sun

♪ bright as
a shining sun ♪

But with that
being said,

how do you know when
you both feel the same way?

I mean, sometimes I think...

♪ Jenna is listening

♪ listening like
the sun in the sky ♪

Ooh. Uh-oh.

Somebody needs
to be changed.

Need anything else,
boss man?

I guess just
bring in the wheelchair

so you can roll me
down to the floor for the show.

What?
No, Liz.

You had surgery
this morning.

Sure, but I have
to be there.

Oh, I would slap you
if I didn't think

it would lead to a kiss.

This is about priorities.

What if those feet
were real babies?

Would you walk on them
to work?

What kind of mother
are you,

you beautiful monster?

Hazel, I have missed
one show in seven years,

and it did not go well.

Aah!

Josh, help me!

You're not gonna
miss the show.

You're gonna watch it
on the feed, baby girl.

Idiot.

I'll be next to Pete
the whole time.

And if there's
an emergency,

your wheelchair's
right outside.

Well, I guess
that could work.

Let me be
your eyes on set.

Although I can never match
that amazing color.

Criss calls it
"old-timey football."

Five minutes to air. Five minutes.

Wow.
This is really working.

Hey, is that me?

Okay, no,
that can't be...

Oh, brother, that's me!

It's an old show?
Son of a...

Well, this email
is from Liz.

Duh.

Now, for my act,
I'm gonna need a tarp

because the first three rows
will get wet.

Why are my arms so weak?

It's like I did that push-up
last year for nothing.

And two minutes to air.
Two minutes!

Aah.

I'm sorry, babies.

Aah!

Ow!

Aah!

Wassername!

Huh? Oh...
Oh, where am I?

Oh, Pete roofied me.

Seriously, Hornberger?

You were gonna
put her on the air?

You told me to!
I have your email.

"P-Dog, let's use Hazel
in the cold open.

"Don't call me about this.

Catch you on
the flippy-floppy."

That's you.

You people
killed my foot babies.

My foot babies died
because of this show!

- You're fired.
- You can't fire me.

You don't even know
my real name.

Get out! Now!

Ow.

Did you just
fire my girlfriend?

She's crazy, Kenneth.

No, she's not.

Ms. Maroney knows
the real Hazel.

Tell them
what I told you.

Oh, God,
what do I do?

Help me, me.

This one's on you, bitch.

Were you not listening?

I think a song
right now would...

That's it!

From now on, my relationship
with all of you

is strictly professional.

We are no longer friends.

I am just a co-worker
who would do

anything for any of you
at any time.

Nothing more!

And we're live
in three, two...

Oh, yeah.
They didn't write anything.

Tracy, this is a surprise.

I thought you'd be at home
licking your wounds.

No, that's why
they put that cone on me.

I just wanted
to give you this.

"You are cordially invited
to attend the premiere

"of Tracy Jordan's
Aunt Phatso's

"Jack Donaghy's
we at it again.

"A percentage
of the film's profits

will go to support
the Knuckle Beach Orphanage."

I don't understand.

Without that money,
the orphanage

is gonna have to close.

So if I shut down
the movie,

I actually will
close down an orphanage.

Which means the movie
isn't libelous.

Which means I can't
shut down the movie.

That's... genius.

You win, Tracy.

You bested Jack Donaghy.

Now you finally
respect me.

And that's
all I ever wanted.

I really can't stop you
from portraying me

as the villain
in your films.

What? Come on.

Did you not watch
the whole movie, Jackie D?

Well, it's 47 minutes long.

In the end, Jack Donaghy
is not the villain.

You win, Aunt Phatso.

You bested Jack Donaghy.

Now you finally
respect me.

And that's all
I ever wanted...

Except maybe that
hot little body of yours.

Great Caesar's ghost!

Aw, baby.

Hm. Our thing
sure is playing out

just like the movie.

- Oh, look, it's Liz!
- Good old Liz!

Well, my feet
are ruined.

The show
was an embarrassment.

But I learned something
super fun.

I will never be able
to have a family

and work at TGS.

It's just not possible.

So what do I do?

Don't ask me.
Tracy's the genius here.

Oh, well,
tray, I'm scared.

Do I give up
on my dream job,

something I've worked
my whole life to build?

Or do I give up on my dream
of having a family?

Well, as a wise woman
once told me...

Respect these boobies!

Seriously though,
what am I gonna do?