30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 7 - Mazel Tov, Dummies! - full transcript

Liz and Criss agree to get married, but Liz refuses to have a conventional wedding. Meanwhile, Tracy comes to terms with the fact that he will grow old, and Jenna discovers her true cash value as a human being.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
I don't want to look.

Hey, come on.
This is a win-win.

If it's positive, awesome.
We're having a baby.

I want to name it Frisbee.

If it's negative, awesome.

We're not going to fight
about the name Frisbee,

and we get disco fries
for breakfast,

'cause we're sad.

I bet it's me.
All those years trying to get

on America's funniest
home videos.



It's just not fair.

I mean, that guy
gets a baby?

What kind of idiot
gives a little kid orange soda?

Hey, dummies.

- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, buddy.

Why do you have a baby?
Is this a scam?

I don't need any scams.

I got a brand new business
selling suicide insurance,

and it's going great.

And this baby?
This is my adopted son.

Obviously he's going
to be an athlete,

so I only gotta save up
for, like, one year of college.

Wait, they let you
adopt a baby?

If by "they," you mean
those guys or whatever,

yeah, they let me
and my wife adopt a baby.

You remember Megan Duffy?
Maiden name Duffy...

Hopefully no relation.

I recognize you two.
Did we have a four-way?

No, St. Paddy's Day,
remember, honey?

Wait, it is?

Yeah, we decided to adopt

'cause Megan's real
career oriented right now,

didn't want
to wreck her boobs.

Couple months later, boom.
We got Black Dennis.

His name is Black Dennis?
That is racist.

Yeah, right, Liz.

The guy with the black son
is racist.

Later days, dummies.

21st century family
coming through.

This is the new normal.

S07 Ep07 - Mazel Tov, Dummies!

Tray, have you read
any of these movie scripts yet?

Yeah, I read the one
about a handsome genius

who lied to two idiots
about reading scripts.

You've got to choose the next
project for your company,

"dammit I'll pick a name later
dotcom productions."

You have pitch meetings
all morning.

Okay, it's almost 11:00.

Please send in
my 8:00.

While on holiday
in Tuscany,

a middle-aged divorcee
falls in love

with a lazy pervert
who's into hats.

In a world
with too much freedom,

one young man
dared to be different.

"Hitler, colon,
the boy who dreamed of stars."

It's a Harriet Tubman biopic,
entitled the Moses of Maryland...

I'll buy it.

Sorry, I was talking
on my Bluetooth

to a guy
at the octopus auction.

I hate your idea.

Tracy, NBC Universal
has acquired the film rights

to the YouTube clip,
"Man loses pants on trampoline."

How would you like
to be the voice of gaboing,

the evil wizard who would
take jumping away from jumpland?

Thank you for coming in.

Running a movie studio
is exhausting.

I need a nap.

Dotcom, tell us
your most interesting story.

Sorry, Tray.

The next item on the agenda
is your insurance physical.

Worst day ever.

I mean, my name has been
on adoption lists for years.

But Dennis Duffy gets a baby
because he's married?

It's idiotic.

You know who else was married?
Ted Bundy.

- I don't think so, Liz.
- Really? So handsome.

Is he still alive?

The point is,
anyone can get married.

What, all of a sudden
you're a better parent

because you signed
a piece of paper?

Yeah, we're as committed
to each other

as any married couple.

We live together,
we love each other.

I ignore it
when you eat popsicles

by biting them with your teeth,
which is insane...

I love popsicles.

We might as well
be married, so...

So let's do it.

Let's get married,
like every other idiot on Earth.

Me need a piece of paper
to know how to feel.

Der, Liz marry Criss?

- Doy.
- Er.

Wait, was that a yes?

Are we getting married?

Yeah, let's do this.

We get a license today,
get married tomorrow.


Top gun style.

Thank you.

Jenna Maroney,
you are my slave.


But the sheik who won me
in that poker game was beheaded.

No, do you remember
in 1994,

you made a commercial
for Surge cola?

For 100 surge points,
I got these shades.

Oh yeah?

For 500 surge points,
I got this leather jacket.

I can beat that.

For a million points,
he got me.

Suck it down.

Oh, I remember that.

My boyfriend was supposed
to pick me up after that shoot,

so I called him,
and I was like,

"O. J., where are you?"
And he was like,

"wait, you're alive?
Then who did I kill?"

For 17 years, I've been buying
up old cases of surge cola,

and now I have
one million surge points.

And that means
I own you.

Hey, Jack.
Do I look positively glowing?

Well, you do have
the wind-battered face

of a New England cod fisherman,
if that's what you're asking.

No, I'm getting married.

Lemon, that is wonderful.
To Criss, right?

This isn't one of those
Internet marriage scams

where they prey
on the elderly?

Yes, to Criss.

Then wonderful.

No, but the wedding
is not a deal.

I mean, it's just a...

Oh, my God, this is
the best hug I've ever had.

I know.

Anyway, it's just a formality,
for if we want to adopt.

We're going down
to city hall tomorrow.

It's no big whoop.

But it should be
a very big whoop.

Lemon, this is
your special day.

Plan a real wedding.

I'll get Tony Bennett to sing.

I saved his life
in an illegal pai gow game once.

He owes me a favor.

And you can wear that
wedding dress that you bought...

No, I can't.

I got rid of that
after hurricane Irene.

I had forgotten
to stock up on toilet paper,

but I had remembered
to stock up on seven layer dip...

I got it.

You know, I just
don't care about this stuff.

I don't want a "special day."

I don't want
to be a princess.

But Lemon, you were
a little girl once.

Didn't you dream
about your wedding?

In my own way.

Sol Rosenbear and I
would like to thank everyone

for coming
to our destination wedding

here on the love boat.

Sol has discovered

my previous relationship
with gopher,

so he will be
seeking an annulment

once we reach
Puerto Vallarta.

I realized a long time ago
that weddings aren't about love.

They're just a giant industry
that preys on gender stereotypes

to make adult women
spend a ton of money

and act like selfish children.

I mean, have you seen
Wedding bitches on Bravo?

Maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.

You're ruining
my special day.

Ma, what the
are you wearing?

I remember when Bravo
used to air operas.

I reject
the wedding industry's

fairy tale grotesquerie.

So tomorrow,
Liz Lemon is getting married

in a sweatshirt, no bra.

Oh, for God's sakes, Lemon,

don't take a stand
about your own wedding.

Think about that kid
you're trying to adopt.

What will you tell him
if he asks to see pictures?

I will tell her or it
that I took an amazing stand

against the wedding
industrial complex.

We are registered
at Popcorn Palace.

All right.

Now that I've finished

with my handwriting sample
for the FBI,

let's look
at your test results.

Oh, this is puzzling, Tracy.

There doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you at all.


I guess we've replaced

so much of you
over the years

that you're maybe
not you anymore,

but you're healthy.

No, this isn't happening.

This is good news.

No, it's not.

I always assumed
I'd die young,

because, you know,
I look so much like James Dean.

And that gave me the freedom
to live without consequences.

That's why I'm always
breaking the law,

buying exotic sharks,
forgetting to feed them,

and then trying to hug them.

I couldn't do
cool stuff like that

if I knew I'd be alive for...

How many years,
Dr. Spaceman?

40, maybe 50.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not happy
about this, either.

The money I've made
off your health problems

has put me almost all the way
through medical school.

I'm going to have to start
living like there's a tomorrow.

Open an I.R.A.
Brush my teeth.

Drink eight glasses a day
of that stuff.

You know,
clear bathtub juice?

Tracy, I'm afraid
I don't have a pamphlet

to help you
get through this.

But I do have a pamphlet
that has a bunch

of drawings of vaginas.

I'll take it.

To make a long story short,

I need to be let out
of my TGS contract.

I'm moving to Arizona to be
with my new slave master, Terry,

to live in a birdcage
he built.

Ah, why don't you both
have a seat?

You may sit.

Now, Terry, I suspect
you know it's illegal

for someone to own
another human being.

Fine, but according
to the contest rules.

Either I collect my prize,
or her equivalent cash value.

Ah, I see.

So you'd be just as happy
with the money.

Terry, is this true?

I've done the math,
and taking into account

Jenna's salary
and earning potential,

I've calculated
that she's worth $800,000.

Uh, let's say Jenna
was worth that in her prime.

That was ten years ago.

She has certainly
depreciated since then.

Jenna is becoming
more unemployable by the moment.

And thanks to decades
of partying,

Jenna's internal organs
will get you nothing

on the black market.

She's an emotional
train wreck.

Daddy, why are you
doing this?

A seventh grade education,
hepatitis D,

bullet in jaw,
fatwa, credit card debt,

wanted by the Yakuza...

Jenna Maroney is worth...



In Arizona, two grand
will buy me a castle

and a pillowcase
full of meth.

Make it out
to "Doomsday Enterprises."

♪ Missed the Saturday dance

♪ heard they
crowded the floor ♪

♪ Couldn't bear it
without you ♪

♪ don't get around
much anymore ♪

♪ darling, I guess

♪ my mind's more at ease

♪ but nevertheless

♪ why stir up memories?

Goodbye, bitey.

Well, I guess I need
to read all of these scripts

to determine which one
has the greatest probability

of succeeding in this ever
changing global marketplace.

I used to only
say stuff like that

in my white nerd voice.

♪ Don't get around
much anymore ♪

Jeez, I feel like
we're at a Deli.

Save it for the honeymoon.

Okay, you take our paperwork
to the clerk,

because black women
love you.

Oh, I see you over there,
you little gumdrop.

Don't hide from Shanice.

I'll get us some witnesses,
and then we'll get married,

and magically become
amazing parents,

just like the Hiltons.

Oh, here he comes.
Mm, mm, mm.

I'll give you a bath
in the sink, like a baby.


Excuse me,
what number are you guys?

Would you be able to stay
and be our witnesses?

You really didn't invite
anyone to your wedding?

No, I mean,
who cares, right?

We're at City Hall.

You guys are
wearing mets T-shirts.

Yeah, 'cause we were
wearing them when we first...


My God,
you're beautiful.

This is the greatest day
of my life.

Now, let me guess.

You guys are dressed like that
'cause you met at a laundromat

after you both ran out
of clean clothes.

No, it's 'cause this is
just a piece of paper.

Oh, that's us!
That's our number!

Come on,
our number.

You okay?

Yeah, you know,
I just thought

there'd be more people here
in gym clothes

carrying bags
full of toilet paper.

Look, we don't have
to do it this way.

You know, I always imagined
getting married

right when they
take your picture

on splash mountain.

But weddings are
about the bride,

so if you want
your special day...

I don't need
a special day.

You know, the first wedding
I ever went to,

I was a flower girl
for my Aunt Linda.

When they said,
"you may now kiss the bride,"

I did my first ever eye roll.

And today, I honor
that little girl's eye roll

with this masterpiece.

That's how much Liz Lemon cares
about having a special day.

Great, 'cause I
forgot my birth certificate.

Are you kidding me, Chros?

And even though
Shanice said

she'd let it slide
if I sat on her hand,


Liz Lemon, I haven't seen
anything in the news

about attitudes towards marriage
changing forever

because of one brave woman.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I emailed Tony Bennett,

just in case
you came to your senses.

He's singing at the White House,
but will cancel for me.

Oh, also, I told him
you're Italian,

so he might call you "Tina."

Okay, so we'll
take another number,

I'll get some witnesses,

you'll get
your birth certificate.

It's not wedding stress.

I'm no more annoyed right now

than I was when you
got that haircut

without consulting me.

Oh, yeah.

You can walk away from me
all day, you little tiger cub.

I work at the marriage bureau,
but I'll never get married.

Sir, we have a big problem.

I didn't want anyone
to see me like this, she lied.

Jenna, when I said
what you were worth,

that was a negotiation tactic.

$2,000, Jack?

I've stolen more than that
from my cleaning lady's purse.

In this market, $2,000
is more than respectable.

I mean, look at Kenneth.

He's worth $5, tops.

I'm going to hold you
to that, sir.

Is that supposed
to make me feel better?

Everyone around here
is human garbage.

Okay, well, then,
look at me.

If you're past your prime,
then so am I.

I've been divorced twice.

I'm at an age where I no longer
need erectile softeners.

I'm number two at an American
television company,

with no possibility
of promotion.

I'll probably die
in this job.

I've already had
one heart attack.

I used to be
a young man with promise.

I coined the phrase,
"you wish, pal."

But now,
I'm sitting here

trying to cheer up
a $2,000 actress,

because a janitor said
I hurt her feelings, so...

Oh, God.

I'm worth less than you.

Oh, thank you, Jack.

What are you doing?
Why did you change your clothes?

Well, this is
what I was wearing

when we met
in riverside Park.

Remember, you said,
"nice turtleneck."

No, I said...

"Nice turtleneck."

And thank you again.

Great, so now
you're more dressed up

than I am
at my own wedding,

but whatever.
I got witnesses.

These guys were
in the park,

either fighting
or having sex.

Okay, well, I thought
it might be nice

to have a witness
we actually know.

Of course,
it had to be someone

with nothing to do
on a Wednesday afternoon...

No, no, no.
You didn't.

Mazel tov, dummies.

You're Jewish,
right, Liz?

Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

You forgot
your birth certificate,

you invited Dennis.

If you can't
take this seriously,

maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.

Okay, is this
a big deal or not?

I don't know.

It's not the most important
day of my life.

Getting my show picked up,
or meeting you,

or the time I got a sleeve
of starburst with all pink,

those were all
more important days.

So you're yelling
at me because...

Because I'm Liz Lemon.

My parents spent the money
they saved up for my wedding

on a P.T. cruiser.

I have been sure
for a long time

that this was never
going to happen,

and I was fine with it.

Ergo, it couldn't matter.


Affleck's finally
going to get that Oscar.

And I'm still 90% right.

It's stupid.
It doesn't matter.

Guess what?

You wasted a lot of money
on that dress.

Oh, actually,
it was my grandmother's.

She made it
out of parachute silk

while hiding
from the Germans.

Shut up.

And then you came along,

and now we're doing this,

and a tiny little part of me
that I hate

wants to be a princess.

Liz, it's okay
to be a human woman.

No, it's not.
It's the worst,

because of society.

I mean, why do you watch
Wedding bitches

in the first place?

And why did I find this hidden
under your underwear ball?

Sol Rosenbear.

He never got enough time
in his garden before he passed.

I want today to be special.

God, do you have any idea

how hard it was
to get you to admit that?

"I forgot
my birth certificate."

"Let's invite Dennis."

You were playing me.

"I'll wear
my stupid turtleneck."

Wait, you think
it's stupid?

We're going
to get married today,

but we're going
to do it right.

We need rings and flowers,

and I'm going
to put on deodorant,

and you're going
to wear a suit

that makes you look like
a little marzipan candy man.

So let's go, people.
It's my special day.

The Moses of Maryland.

Page one.

"Open on: Interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18..."


Tracy, it's me,
Harriet Tubman.


What is this place?

Don't you know?
It's your mind.

We aren't so different,
you and I.

You grew up
in the Bronx.

I grew up interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18.

And while I dreamed
of becoming

the first woman
to surf around the world...

Is that what you think I did?

I only read
the first page of the script.

Use context clues.

I'm dead now.

Oh, no, Tracy.
You're not dead.

I told you,
we're in your mind.

Why else would Harriet Tubman
look and sound

like your boss,
Jim Dennison...

Oh, come on.
You know that's wrong.

Wait a minute.

If this is my mind, I should
be able to control you.

No, no, that only
works in dreams.

Eat a corn on the cob,
and make it sexy.

Great, so I'm not dead.

I'm going to have to
keep on living forever now.

No, my homie.
I can say that, because I'm you.

It doesn't matter
if you're healthy.

At any moment, you could still
get hit by a cab

just crossing the street.


So there's still
many ways I could die.

I could fall
into a manhole,

or I could forget
my chimpanzee's birthday.

It's time to go now.

Time to go back
to being Tracy Jordan.

Wake up.

Oh my God, Tracy.
Are you okay?

I almost died.
I've never been better.

Okay, good,
'cause I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm getting married.

Liz Lemon is
getting married today.

Liz Lemon's getting married?

Harry Truman was right.

Anything's possible.

Oh, what a world...

I'm fine.
Go get married.


The next project
is going to be

toofer's Harriet Tubman movie.

Are you sure, Tray?
It's pretty boring.

I read it in the bath
on one of my Grizz days.

It's perfect.

'Cause it's the most
irresponsible choice I can make.

A super expensive period piece
starring a middle aged woman.

No one's going
to want to see it.

And I'm probably not going
to be alive when it comes out.

Now let's go buy a blimp
to scout locations.

It's about time, Lemon.

Whatever, just get
down to city hall.

It's 30 minutes away.
I'll be there in 10.

Navy, gray, maroon, gray...

Am I depressed?


Oh, you'll do quite nicely.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Black Dennis, start the car.

It's the only white dress I own.

But your hair.

I'm a princess.

And will you be
exchanging rings?


Tito was a drug dealer
the police shot in the face.

In Riverside Park,
where we first met.

It's perfect.

Do you take this lady
as your wife?

- I do.
- Do you take this man...

I do.

"'But you see, '
said roark quietly,

'I've chosen the work
I want to do.

'And I can find joy
only if I do my work

in the best way
possible to me.'"

By the authority vested in me
by the state of New York,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

♪ For love came
just in time ♪

♪ I found you
just in time ♪

♪ you changed
my lonely life ♪

♪ that lovely day

Oh, my lip is caught
on the grill.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

♪ I've got
the world on a string ♪

♪ I'm sitting
on a rainbow ♪

♪ I've got the string
around my finger ♪

Lemon, earlier today,

I took a hard look
at where life has led me,

and I didn't like
what I saw.

But now, looking at you,
I realize...

That anything's possible?

You know,
I'm attractive.

I've got cheekbones,

and a pair you can
do something with.

I'm just saying,
from a grateful nation,

thank you, Liz Lemon.

There's hope for us all.

Black Dennis
got some cop's gun.

♪ I've got that string
around my finger ♪

♪ what a world,
what a life ♪

♪ I'm in love