30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 5 - There's No I in America - full transcript

Realizing that Jenna could decide the Presidential election, Liz and Jack stage a debate to win her support and her followers. Kenneth turns to Tracy for advice on how to be an informed ...

Do you know what this means?!

No! I need a "Previously on"!

Previously on 30 Rock.

It all comes down to Florida.

And they will do whatever I say.

Jenna and her two million Twitter
followers might decide the election!

And if we figured this out,

that means Jack figured it out
ten minutes ago!

Go! Now!
Before I lose interest!

Going somewhere, Lemon?

Nothing. Dammit!

Liz, there you are!

I need you to marry me
so I don't get sent back to Canada!

Really? Now you have a thing?

Don't know why I'm so worried about
bringing my marble collection to work.


Why do we have that?

- Jenna! We have to talk!
- Jenna! We need to talk!

Me first, because I'm your best
friend, and this is very important.

You know what?
Talk to Lemon.

I'll find someone else for my thing.
You're not right for it.

What thing?
I was born for it!

Am I not blonde enough?

Because I'll put my head
in the microwave!

Jenna, stop, it's a trick!

He just needs you
because you're gonna decide

the presidential election!

It's all about Northern Florida,
and they love you down there.

Tell me about it. Jacksonville's
naming their new airport,

Sized strip club after me.

No bottoms!

Just one tweet from you
to your fans, and Romney wins.

It'll be historic.

The first really, really rich president!

No. Don't listen to him.

What America needs
is four more years of --

the stuff Obama's been doing!
Like, uh...

The one with the guy?

It was at night, and I feel like
he was standing near a fence...

- This country needs Mitt Romney.
- Like it needs a hole in the head!

A head has five holes,
and they are all needed.

Okay, you two can talk
about America all you want,

but I'm not gonna listen.

Because there's no
"I" or "me" in "America."

There's both.

If I'm gonna get political, it's gonna be

to build a better country
for Jenna Maroney.

- Jenna, this is a really big deal.
- I agree.

It's an opportunity to finally

put a pro-Jenna president
in the White House.

Someone who respects the human fetus

and recognizes
its value as a hair volumizer.

You have 24 hours.

Then we all meet back here,
and you present your cases.

Maybe I'll ask questions, maybe
you two can take turns arguing.

Like debate?

Like DeBarge?
I love DeBarge!

- No, Jenna, I said --
- I love DeBarge too, Jenna.

Point, Jack.

Looks like you have some work to do, Liz.

7x05 - There's No I in America
Original Air Date on October 31, 2012

Mr. Jordan, it's here!
It's finally here!

What is?

My absentee ballot from Stone Mountain.

Until this year, I wasn't allowed to vote

because Reverend Gary
said choosing is a sin.

But then Reverend Todd said,

"Reverend Gary is dead!
Long live Reverend Todd!"

- So, here we are!
- Good for you, K-Rock.

Voting is a great American tradition.
Like laziness or, eh...

I'm so excited!

I mean, the Parcells
have been in this country

since we went berserk
and murdered everyone at Roanoke.

But I never felt like
a true American until today.

Like how you must have felt
four years ago

when you finally got to vote
for a president who looks like you.

Black Shrek ran for president?

No, sir. Obama.

I forgot about that half-nerd.

Probably because I get all my news
from social media.

And I've been banned
from all social media.

You have? Why?

Someone has to be the first person
to make a joke after a celebrity dies.

I guess I was a little "too soon"
with Andy Griffith.

What did you say?

I can't unhear it!
I can't unhear it!

Happy Election Eve!
Obama 2012!

The first African-American president
ever to be up for re-election. Whoo!


Dude, that's not happening this year.
No one's that excited --

Then, get excited!

Remember how fun it was in 2008?

Come on, we'll have a party,
watch the returns,

maybe invite the security guards --

Oh, my God!
Is this about Maria?

Barack Obama is projected to be

the next president
of the United States of America.


That whole night
was a one-time thing, Pete.

No one is get that psyched
the second time.

Why not? It's like when you
do karaoke, and everyone's like,

"That was a really good
'American Pie', Pete.

You knew all the words."

And then you put it on again.

And everyone leaves
because no one can top it.

That's what this is gonna be like!

Four more years!
Four more years!

That's the spirit!
Four more years!

Okay, Jack, I was hoping that we
could get through this "campaign"

without going negative.

I agree. You're the one using negative
words like "without" and "negative".

Uh-huh. So what was that attack ad
that I saw on the "TGS" feed?

Liz Lemon
says she's Jenna Maroney's friend.

But let's look at the facts.

In 2011, Liz said, "I hope Adele's
voice recovers from her polyps."

The same polyps
Jenna had prayed for.

And what does Liz say
when she's behind closed doors?

Really, Liz?

Liz Lemon. Wrong on cuteness.
Wrong on other bitches.

Wrong for Jenna.

Research indicates that
that ad is polling quite well

with both manic and depressive Jenna.

You know Jenna is a liberal, Jack.

She's a slut monster,
and one of gay America's top hags.

But this is what you do.

You trick people into voting
against their own interests.

And then you sell them out
at the drop of a hat.

First of all, I have never
dropped a hat in my life.

And don't be so sure
about Jenna's politics.

She's aging, mean and rich.
That sounds Republican to me.

Jenna is overly sensitive,
prone to hysteria,

and having been shot and left for dead

in three different deserts,
pro-gun control.

- She's one of us.
- Unbelievable.

Seven years I've been mentoring you,

and I haven't been able
to move you an inch.

Good God, Lemon!
Enough with the histrionics!


Since you've known me,

I've been right about no less
than everything always.

Yet you persist in this impotent
emotional weltanschauung.

And it's not just about politics.

For instance,
I bet you bought those hideous shoes

for some emotional reason.

Every pair you buy,
they give a pair to a child

that was forced to work in a factory
that makes these shoes.

It's not great!

But you know what?

I'm the one who's
in a stable relationship, Jack.

I like my job, and I am one punch away

from getting a free deviled egg
at that cool new deviled egg place!

So maybe you should
let me rub off on you!

You wish, you pervert.

Let me leave you with this, Jack.

You may have your dirty tricks,

but don't ever underestimate me
when it comes to --

I' Bah-bah-bah-bah-bird
bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word I'

My gynecologist.

Doctor, thank you for calling me back.

Did anyone leave a bag
of Burger King in your office?

"Local Ballot Initiatives.
Proposition One:

empowers the mayor
of Stone Mountain to perform

necessary repairs
on the town's historic clock tower."

Oh, that old clock tower.

Nobody knows what it's counting down to.

Well, I want to vote "yes",

but how do I know
that's the right thing to do?

What do the pro-con statements say?

Okay, writing in favor
is Mayor Debbie herself.

Hey! I'm gonna take the clock apart
myself, then put it back together.

I wanna see how it works!

My friend Jojo did it
with a toaster, and it's still good.

Let me do it!

She makes some good points.

But the con is written by The Hermit
What Lives in the Clock Tower.

Ain't nobody touch my clock!

It's my wife, and this is
where I do my sniperin'!

Now I don't know what to think.

Voting is a big responsibility.

To this day, I have to live with the fact

that I cast the deciding vote

that made "white"
the newest flavor of Mountain Dew.

But I guess
that's just life in a Dewmocracy.

Hola, me llamo Dora!

Hey, Maria.
Hey, it's Election Day!

- Mm-hmm.
- Huge party upstairs tonight.

Just like 2008.

- I'll see you there?
- I wish.

My shift ends at six now.

So you'll be gone
before they declare a winner?

Unless they call it early.


Anything can happen!

Hope and change!

I think the slogan this year
is "Forward".

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Welcome to the first and only
debate of the Jenna-ral election.


Today we choose the future for our nation

and for a woman "People"
magazine once called

"an unnamed friend of the deceased".

Today, finally, it is truly all about me.

Liz, we'll start
with your opening statement.

When your time is up,
you'll hear this sound.

J' Oh, say, can you see J'

J' And the home of the brave J'

Jenna, this election is about emotion.

It's about which candidate
cares the most about the issues

that truly matter to Jenna Maroney.

For example, your reproductive rights.

Do you want a bunch of old men
behind closed doors

deciding what you can
and cannot do with your body?

Ooh, and how do they tell me
their decisions?

Do I get shocked
whenever I do the wrong thing?

No, Jenna, not that.


Earlier today, I met a family.

The Alfords, from Luhkessitee, Florida --

Sorry, Lake City.

The Alfords are huge Jenna Maroney fans.

Because Jenna Maroney is so, so talented.

Please hold your applause until the end.

But under Mitt Romney, the arts
program at Traci Lords Middle School,

where little Shauna is
a seventh-grader, would be gutted.

Without Music Appreciation class,

how would Shauna know
how much she appreciates you?

A world without arts programs
sounds terrible.

Where would young blonde girls
like Shauna learn to act and sing?

Why, if arts funding was cut,
within a short time,

our schools would be
producing no new actresses.

And Jenna Maroney would get every part.

That's my America.
That's Mitt Romney's America.

My next question refers
to an issue that I know

deeply affects the vast majority
of Jenna Maroney.

- Which political party is cooler?
- it's no contest, Jenna!

The president listens
to hip-hop rappings.

We have the coolest celebrities.

Scarlett Johansson.
Blake Lively. Jessica Biel --

Wow. Those are all very beautiful women.

Do you really want to be
photographed next to them?

Let me tell you who we have:

Craig T. Nelson, Chuck Norris,
and Charlton Heston's skull.

You'd be the only cool Republican.

Jenna, you need to trust me here.

Have I ever steered you wrong?

I stopped you when you wanted
to join that white tiger magic show.

I stopped you when you tried
to drive us into Lake Michigan

because Scottie Pippen got married.

Listen to me, Jenna,
and listen to your heart!

Miss Lemon, I know Scottie Pippen.

I own a Fuddrucker's with Scottie Pippen.

And you, sir, look like Scottie Pippen.

Come on!

Mr. Donaghy, your closing statements?

When our founding fathers first set out,

time and time again,
our nation horizon...

prosperity... dreams... freedom.

But the spirit... journey... destiny.

Mitt Romney values. Jenna values.
I've met people.

For this generation
and generations to come.

Thank you, America.

Good God,
those are load-bearing balloons!

Everyone, run for your lives!

- Mr. Jordan, I need your help.
- What's wrong, Ken?

I haven't been able to make
a single decision

on this absentee ballot.

Should we take apart the clock tower?

Should we let Old Man Burkle
marry his daughter,

or make him bury her
like the rest of the dead folks?

I'll never know enough
to make an informed decision.

"Informed decision"?

Do you think this country was
founded on informed decisions?

Well, of course --

Columbus thought he was in India!
And did he worry about being wrong?

No! He just called everybody Indians.

And we still do it today!
Why? 'Cause.

You want to be an American?

You fill out that ballot because
you don't know what you're doing.

Just like when we named this country

after the fourth or fifth guy
who discovered it.

Amerigo Vespucci?
Who cares?


That's my boy!

How do you sleep at night, Jack?

I don't. I take thousands
of micronaps during the day.

Well, you know what?

No, Lemon. What?

I'm glad you never succeeded
in turning me into you.

Because I would rather lose
with my head held high,

partly because when I have it down,
it looks like this...

than win the wrong way.

Lemon, I don't enjoy manipulating
Jenna for my own ends.

To be perfectly honest,
I don't like Mitt Romney.

The man doesn't drink.

How does he let a moment land?

But I'm not going to allow those feelings

get in the way of doing what is right.

Think of the children, Jack.

What if Jenna had picked the president

when you were a little boy?

Where would that kid be today?

Maybe we should ask him.

Boston. 1968.

Latah, Mah! I'm goin' down
the pahk to play ball!

I sure love Americer!

Almost as much as I love chowdah --

I'm sorry, are you trying to make one
of your emotional appeals to me?

Oh, my Gawd, it's fewtchah me!

Lemon, this kind of sentimental
nonsense didn't work with Jenna.

It certainly won't work with a man
who didn't cry at "Field of Dreams",

not even when the bank failed
to recoup its investment in the farm.

Fine. Enjoy your president.
I'm moving to France!

But you can't get a decent
iced tea there. Forget it!

Everyone has to vote immediately!
This election has to be over by six!

- Thanks for coming by, okay?
- Williams!

Williams, I need you to call it
for Obama right now!

Remember that time you got a haircut,

and I was the first person to say,
"Someone got a haircut"?

You owe me!

Pete, you know we don't do that.

Is this about Maria?
It's not gonna happen this year.

Look, get a hobby,
like me and my gymnastics!

He's wrong!

It's gonna be 2008 all over again.

Remember? Hope!

Change! A Facebook that wasn't
crawling with old bald guys!

Shut up, Pete.
There's no hope.

Not for you or for this country.

If Joni Mitchell were here,
she'd be like:

J' The big man won't
give peace a chance J'

J' The cobblestones, cobblestones J'

Seriously, dude, let it go.
It was just one kiss.

Yeah, if you need a kiss so bad,

why don't you kiss a potato
like the rest of us?

The kiss wasn't just a kiss!
Don't you people get it?

The kiss was Obama!

It was proof that things could change.

That night in 2008,
everything felt possible.

Like my whole life was ahead of me.

I was gonna drive a sports car
and say cool stuff like, "Wiki-what?"!

And none of that has happened!

Nothing has changed!

For Pete or America!

And if we can't get that feeling
back tonight

for Pete's sake, when will we
ever gonna get it back?

For Pete's sake.

Jenna, it's 4:30 in Florida.

Your fans should be waking up on a beach

or getting fired from their
telemarketing jobs right about now.

Send the tweet.

One sec.

I got caught up in this Twitter war
with this stupid spambot.

Screw you, Dona-one-d Estaluj.
I don't need Viagra! You need Viagra!


Now, who am I telling these turds
to vote for? Mike Romney?

Mitt. it stands for Motorized
Intelligent Technodrome Termina --

It's a human's name.

Excuse me.
Does Ms. Maroney have a minute?

Just to sign some autographs?

Look, you don't really want
Jenna's autograph.

She is not a great role model.

Where is the flash on this thing?

I want to send Estaluj a picture,
but it's too dark inside my pants.

No, my role model is Sara Blakely,
the billionaire founder of Spanx.

She's a genius.

It's just kids' bike shorts for fatties!

I'm gonna sell these on eBay.

Well, it's always nice to meet
a young entrepreneur.

You know, when I was a boy,

I used to go to Fenway
and sell my urine...

for fans to throw at Mickey Mantle.

You'll be happy to know
that things are looking up

for capitalists like us.

Between you and me,
Mitt Romney's going to win.

But people haven't voted yet.

Shauna, this will be
a good lesson for you.

Voters don't really pick the president.

That's up to important people
like corporations and celebrities.

This year Jenna Maroney's
picking the president.

- Got it!
- She is?

Today Jenna is the most important
person in America.

Wow. Maybe she should be my role model.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying,

if I stop saving for business school
and started saving for implants,

I could be just like her.

Thanks, sir!

Okay, Jack, now,
what should I tweet about Ron-mi?

Wait, he's not Asian, is he?


I wasn't watching
cute little kitten videos!

I was watching pornography!

Who put these sleepy
kitten videos on here?

Tracy, are you still banned from Twitter?

For life! So, you know,
a couple more months.

You must have a lot of bad jokes

about deceased celebrities
just filling up your brain.

Yes, and they're pushing out
important information.

I don't know where I live, lady!

If I got you back on Twitter,

how quickly could you
get kicked off again?

Ten, fifteen minutes.

Less if I count genocides
as celebrities.

Okay, well, you're going back on.
On Jenna's account.

No. I can't do that to my dear
friend and co-worker Jenna Jameson.

- No, Tracy. Jenna Maroney.
- Cool.

Okay, all I have to do is figure out
Jenna's password.

How about "Me69"?


Oh, Tracy, no --

No, I can say that word.
I'm black.

But Dick Clark wasn't!

Hey, you're not really leaving, are you?

I know it's the second time,
but it's our last shot at feeling...


I mean, what, someday maybe
we elect a wheelchair guy?

Okay, great, but not fun.

Look, Pete, this isn't 2008.

I don't know, maybe if more stuff
really had changed...

Hey, sugarlips.

Let's make it like
a black magazine and jet.

What's up, guy?

Thanks for keeping my lady warm

while I turn on my hot tub with my phone.

Come on, baby.

My 2012 Corvette's parked outside.

'Cause I always find
a parking spot.

You're him.

That's right, pops.

I'm Peter Horn.
All day and all night.

Well, well, well,
well, well, well, well, well...

Nope, it's too many wells.
I'm gonna re-enter.

Just spit it out, Lemon.

I stole a page from your playbook, Jack.

I used Tracy.
I committed cyber crime.

I got Jenna kicked off Twitter
before she could endorse Romney.

I guess two can play at that game.

Just like most games.

And now you're smiling
because you're gonna try to tell me

that this was your plan all along.

"I turned you into me, Lemon.
That was my plan all along."

No, I'm smiling
because I ended up telling Jenna

not to do anything at all.

I didn't want her choosing our president.

No one should grow up
in Jenna Maroney's America.

'Cause of the children?

Did my one-woman show
actually changed your mind?

Should I workshop it
at the Fringe Festival?

- Sure.
- Typical Donaghy.

You sentimental, self-righteous,
badger-faced shrew.

Typical Lemon. You cynical,
manipulative, cold-blooded Adonis.

So maybe we rubbed off
on each other after all.


Yours dripped on me, and now I'm drunk!

Good Lord in heaven!

The Georgia polls close in two minutes!


Mr. Hornberger!

I just voted!

Doesn't it just fill you with hope
like anything can happen?

All day, all night, baby.