30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 4 - Unwindulax - full transcript

Come on, do it!

Excuse me!

Out of the way, please!

- Hey!
- Chill out, mamacita!

What's with the weekday vibe?

It is a Tuesday, sir.

Hey, hey, you work on that show?

Yeah, I work on that show.

Just like your mom
works that street corner --

I'm sorry, it's too much.

No sweat.
My mom is a prostitute.



Hey, this chick knows Jenna Maroney!

Hey, new drinking game!

Drink when someone says something!

Who are you, people?!

We're Crabcatchers!

You know, from Jenna's song
"Catchin' Crabs in Paradise".

J' I caught crabs in paradise J'

J' And yes I mean
both kinds of crabs J'

Ugh! I thought that was at least
gonna be innuendo.

Jenna's playing on "Today" show
in a couple of days,

so we're just camping out
and unwindulaxing.

Wait! So Jenna's Jimmy Buffett
ripoff is actually a thing?

See? You people from New York
don't know all the stuff

that's going on
in the rest of the country.



Truck races.
Swamp parties. Mall fires.

I can't believe she's pulling this off.

And I can't believe I'm pulling this off!

Why do you have a tattoo of a seat belt?

So I don't get pulled over
when I'm driving shirtless!

You wanted to see me?

Have I mentioned Marisol,

the Mexican sideline reporter
I've been seeing?

Well, since our weekend in Aspen,
she's been put on pelvic rest --

Fast-forward noise!

Marisol was supposed to attend
a fundraiser luncheon with me today.

It's ten thousand dollars a plate,

and I'll have to eat the ticket unless --

Unless I eat the ticket.
Fancy luncheon. Seafood bar.

I'm thinking 75 cents a shrimp
over three hours.

Carry three .75 times --

By the time I'm done,
you'll be making money.

Good. But I should warn you, though,
this is a Republican fundraiser.

So if you're coming,
it won't be as Liz Lemon,

Huff Po superuser
and gun control lunatic.

You'll come as Liz Lemon, my chum.

"Chum"?
Okay, I like that.

And you'll be able to keep
your opinions to yourself?

Oh, good Lord, Lemon,
you just locked your mouth

and then swallowed the key.

It makes no earthly sense!

Shrimp!

7x04 - Unwindulax
Original Air Date on October 25, 2012

Jenna's crab idiots won't shut up!

Why couldn't she have died
when that rabid dog bit her?

Oh, it wasn't rabid. I just said that
so they'd have to put it down.

And then I'd be the star
of that dog food commercial!

I had to walk an extra block to get
around your stupid Crabcatchers.

My doctors have been
very clear about this, Jenna.

If I get moderate exercise,
I'm gonna die!

And I'm mad at your success, but
I'm pretending it's something else!

Okay, speaking of me, how many
Crabcatchers Fiesta Crab Hats

would each of you like to buy
at the unbelievable price of $49.95?

Please! I've had a crab
on my head for free!

I'm lying.

The claws hold your cigarette
while you uncork a brew-skye --

"Uncork a brew-skye"?

Yeah. You know --

Ka-zap!
Blinky-blinky-blinky-blinky --

Those aren't even the right noises!

Everyone knows you hate stuff like this.

You're maybe the most
high-maintenance bitch in Hollywood!

"Maybe"? Who's more?
Who is she?

Okay. Cut this crap out and get those
sunburned d-bags out of the Plaza!

Hey, no can will, Pete.

But have an unwindulaxing day!

You medical office before pictures!

I've never even seen a crab.

I'm sorry.

I don't need some
Kenyan-born college professor

telling me I didn't build my company.

Because I earned my trust fund
by always being polite to Grandfather.

Now, Donaghy!

Still over at NBC with all those
communists and homosexuals?

Reginald, I believe
you're thinking of the White House.

But not for long. In two weeks,
we take this country back.

And no bureaucrat can force me
to subsidize female promiscuity

in the name of healthcare.

You okay, chum?

Michelle Obama's on steroids.

And this is Studio 6H.

Home to "TGS" stars,
Tracy Jordan, Jenna Maroney...

Oh, my God! It's Jenna!
Visor Lady, get a picture of me!

What do I--?
Press the button?

No, it's different from every other
camera in the world!

God, I can't escape you, people!

Whoa! Chill out, brother!
It's beer o'clock somewhere!

You're a fraud!

And you look like a condom

that's been dropped on the floor
of a barbershop!

Are you all unwindulaxing?

This guy looks like he could use
a little latitude adjustment.

Rude!

Will you sign my Caesarean scar --?

Oh! Ahh!

You moron!

Hey, it's just a party foul.

Exactly. That's why I said,
"You! More on."

Like "pour more on me"!

Oh, my God. She can't be herself
in front of these losers.

She has to be "Island Jenna".
Which means...

- We can mess with --
- We should go to a pumpkin patch?

Pranksmen, activate.

Obama's bailout would never have worked

if big business
hadn't heroically taken it.

But where's our parade?

- That's idiotic!
- Lemon!

No, sir! You don't have enough shrimp
to buy my silence!

Also you're out of shrimp!

You know better, Jack.
You all know better.

Except maybe the really inbred WASPs.

You thank for mention Gordeau!

Sure. You're hypocrites.

You believe in the death penalty,

but it's okay to kill animals for food?

I don't know where I'm going
with this yet. Hang on, hang on!

My boyfriend and I aren't married,

but we might have a baby together anyway.

And I hope it's gay -- Male gay!

Because if it's a lady,
it's too much hiking.

But homosexuality is unnatural, right?

Then why are there gay dolphins, people?

You heard me.

They make love
to their husbands' blowholes.

Let's see that in some science textbooks!

Oh, that's right.

The whole Texas Board of Education
thing that I don't fully remember.

Teachers should get paid
a million dollars a year!

If birth control pills fixed boners,

you would get them free
with your driver's license!

And how do we know that God isn't a tree?

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Elizabeth Lemon.

And this is what we're up against.

Four more years of a president
chosen by people like her.

She has an iPad subscription
to The New Yorker.

She vehemently opposes the ivory
trade despite the jobs it creates.

And in her apartment there was
a black-and-white photograph

where you can almost see a breast.

It's an original Leonard Nimoy!

If we do not defeat Obama,
people like my little friend here

will destroy this country.

So add a zero to whatever
you were planning to give.

For Romney, for America,
for anyone but her.

What the hell, Jack?
I thought you said I was your chum!

You are my chum.

The bait I throw in the water
to attract the big fish.

Dammit!
Second meaning!

Hey...

Yeah.

Whoa!

What are you douche-compadres doing here?

Well, Jenna, everyone knows
how you're always so chill.

So, of course, you won't freak out

when you see that Cerie's wearing
that exact same shirt.

As a dress.

The belt is a baby's necktie!

Also, I found a bunch
of your pre-nosejob headshots.

You'll sign them
so I can sell them online, right?

Of course.

'Cause who cares what you look like?

All that counts is what's inside...

...your blender.

I'm glad you feel that way.

'Cause I've always
wanted to give you a haircut!

Yeah!

You virgins have no idea
who you're messing with --

Whoa, Jenna, unwindulax.

Oh, I'm not just Jenna anymore.

I'm a god to those Crabcatchers.

And they will do whatever I say.

So what?

I'll tell you "so what".

For one thing,
if you cross me or my army,

you will never set foot in Florida again.

Because that's our capital.

But I'm judging Spike TV's

"Miss Nude Divorc?e"
in Tampa on Christmas Eve!

Oh...

And I was gonna visit MGM Studios.

The rides there capture
the thrills and chills of the movies!

And it doesn't end there.
Because my people are everywhere.

If you ever want to pick
your ball color at a putt-putt course,

or have your alligator
euthanized humanely,

or fly on Delta, you will back off.

Or the Crabcatchers will come for you.

Just as soon as it's cool
for them to drive.

It's a gray hoodie.
It says "Who Farted?" on the back.

It's got a bunch of tampons
in the pocket!

I don't know what else to tell you.

Lemon, there you are.

Did your girlfriend even cancel
or was that more Karl Rove trickery?

I'm sorry,
but I needed you to come, Lemon.

This luncheon is a fundraiser
for my personal Super PAC,

"Americans for an American America".

I needed to unite the room
around a common enemy,

and Ed Begley, Jr. wasn't available
because the sail on his car broke.

See, this is why 50.1%
of Americans hate Republicans.

Because you're sneaky and cynical.

Cynical? I think I'm
the very opposite of cynical.

I'm doing everything I can
for my beliefs.

And I truly believe that one rich person

can make a difference in this country.

And a room full of rich people
can change the world.

Well, I also believe that one person
can make a difference.

With ideas.

Oh! That really is wonderful.

Harold, you have to hear this.
Lemon, say that again.

Ideas are more powerful than money.

So what are you gonna do
with all this money, Jack?

Buy ad time?
'Cause I'm already on TV every night,

with a little something called "TGS".

And we just got nominated
for a Stage Managers' Guild Award.

So you may have millions of dollars, sir,

but America's will hear my two cents!

That's not what people want, Lemon,
least of all from their televisions.

They want their "Honeys Boo Boo"
and their Sunday Night Feetball,

which is the plural of "football".

Americans don't want to think.

That's why they need men like me
to pick their presidents for them.

Wow. Okay.

So I guess it's my words
versus your money.

And we'll see who can really
make a difference in this election.

It's on, Donaghy.

May the best gender
non-specific person win.

Just leave the amount blank, Harold.

Those are tampons.

Deal with it.

For God's sake, some of us have jobs!

I've got a pile of 1020Gs up here
with no travel times on them!

And if I don't --! Oh! Aah!

Listen up, nerds!

Tonight, "TGS" is about to get real.

We've got 38 minutes of air-time,

an hour if the bowling tournament
ends early,

and we're gonna use it
to get the message out there.

I don't know, I think we've been
hitting Romney pretty hard.

I guess that's why they call me "Mitt".

"Baseball Mitt Romney" and "Barack,
A Llama" aren't saying anything!

I want to make a difference.
We've got to do something big.

Something that will go viral,

like that otter that looked
just like Tracy.

Look, we've got the greatest
resource in the world

at our fingertips -- American celebrity.

We get some hot young actor --

Oh, my grand-nephew Kellan Lutz
from "Twilight" is visiting me.

He's in my office.

I have tolerated
your pathological lying for six years.

If you speak again, I will kill you.

Great uncle?

Mama's baby is out of marshmallows.

Sweet grand-nephew, I've been warming

more marshmallows for you
in the pocket of my dungarees.

Okay. Good job, Lutz.

Gentlemen!

Token silent lady...

We have to spend
all of our wonderful money

and help my hair-mentor, Mitt Romney,

become the eleventh legitimate
president of the United States.

Garrett, what does the campaign need?

Well, as you know, with PACs like this,

we're not allowed to have
direct contact with candidates.

I'm kidding.
I'm Garrett Romney. Mitt's my dad.

But here's the thing, Jack.

My Brother-Dad,
which is Mormon for "Dad",

has more money
than he knows what to do with.

With all due respect, Garrett,
I don't think that's a thing.

Well, it's just,
at this point in the campaign,

for us it's more about ideas than cash.

Garrett, I would slap you
if I didn't know

you were going to get
your own planet when you die.

And until your father
has 100% of the vote,

I think we can still make a difference.

I mean, look how poorly
we're polling with African-Americans.

Jack, there's no amount
of money that can --

How dare you talk that way
in front of the pile!

There's no problem in the world

that can't be solved
by throwing money at it.

Now, let's change some black minds.

Look what Jenna's goons have done.

Pete's going insane.
The Pranksmen are neutered.

We can't let her get away with this.

What can we do?

We're just three nerdy white guys,
and she's got a whole army!

But what if she didn't?

I know what we should do.

Pumpkin patch?

Black Americans for Romney.

Hi, I'm Hollywood liberal
Don Cheadle, and I sup --

I support Mitt Romney.

Good. Continue.

Barack Obama would have you
believe that African-Americans

are better off under his leadership.

But I just got ten million dollars

for appearing in an ad for Mitt Romney.

So ask yourselves, brothers and
sisters, who's really got your back?

'Cause from where I am standing,
Mitt Romney is a --

MY dear!

Mitt Romney is a layup.

But don't just take it from me.

Take it from my good friend,
the black Transformer, Jazz.

What's crackin', my homies?
Jazz gets down with the Rom-nizzle!

Oh, my God, does he really
talk like that in the movie?

Paid for by Americans
for an American America. Dy-no-mite!

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

That is garbage.

What are you talking about?

That was Don Cheadle and Jazz,
your heroes!

Do you know how expensive that was?

Okay, I get it.

Let me do some community organizing.

Sir, I am a deputized Election Monitor.

And when my supervisor Barbara
gets out of her aquarobics class,

she will be hearing about this.

If she's found the hearing aid
she thinks her roommate stole.

In five, four, three...

- Listen up, America.
- ...two.

Thomas Jefferson once wrote --

"The greatest danger
to American freedom..."

Shut up!
Listen to the words!

"...Is the government
that ignores the Constitution."

Take it off!

Oh!

Ooh!

This is so demoralizing.

In the past 24 hours,
I've spent millions of dollars.

I got BET to let Mike Huckabee present

"Best Club Banger" at the Hip Hop Awards.

And yet we're still polling at 0%
among African-Americans.

If my money can't make a difference,
I'm moving to Monaco.

- Jack, don't say that.
- I'm serious.

Over there, they solve
all their problems with money.

They use it to put out fires!

Ce feu m'ennuie.

Why should I even bother to vote?

New York will go for Obama

even if I voted 100 times...
instead of my usual five.

Maybe you can make a difference
in a battleground state --

Oh, what's the point, Garrett?
You know what?

I'll tell you exactly how
this election is going to play out.

Hey, I just came in to see
how my friend's doing.

But obviously he went back
into his mouse hole so --

How are you?

Jack was right.

People don't want an idea bomb
dropped on them.

Don't give up.

That is not the Lisa Loeb I know.

Why do I even vote? New York's
gonna go for Obama anyway.

Maybe if I lived in Ohio
I could make a difference.

Actually, no.
Ohio's definitely going for Romney.

Yeah, you don't know
which way Ohio's going.

But I do.

Liz Lemon, I've done stand-up
in every state in this country.

I know the people of America.

I know how they think.

I can tell you exactly how
this election is gonna play out.

Everyone knows Romney has
a vacation home in New Hampshire.

What they don't know is that
he hunts humans on that property.

New Hampshire goes to Obama.

Now, North Carolina goes to Romney.

I worked there this summer,
and they are not on board

with a black man lecturing them.

I don't care if it's Obama
talking about healthcare,

or me talking about white butts.

They are different than black butts!

Pennsylvania is Obama's.

The voting machines there
have become sentient,

and for some reason they are
strongly in favor of gay marriage.

But we're not gonna win Wisconsin.
I don't know why.

Ever since Tracy set fire
to Lambeau Field,

Wisconsinites are coming
around on the death penalty.

Wisconsin goes for Romney.

That just leaves --

Florida!
The penis of America.

Florida.
The penis of America.

Pete, we have a scheme to destroy
Jenna and her army of cretins!

For the past seven years,
I've been compiling a supercut

of all of Jenna Maroney's worst moments.

Security footage,
cell phone videos, rehearsals,

all her biggest diva freakouts
are on this DVD.

When we put this online,
the Crabcatchers will see

what a fraud Jenna is.

Aah!

Someone get a PA to feed me baby food,

or I will drop a "D" in the green room.

No! Pete! Why?

Last night, after the show...

...I went to give them
a piece of my mind...

Enjoy. bro!

But before I could,
they gave me peace.

There were no 1020Gs down there,
no neck pain.

No fear. Just easy livin'.

Something you mainlanders
wouldn't understand.

Pete, come on!

Pete's dead.

I'm Panama now.

Now, like any penis,
Florida is very complicated.

The Cubans in the south,
very conservative.

I had a lot of expensive cigars
put out on me

in Miami comedy clubs.

But Central Florida is dominated
by Jewish retirees, serial killers,

and secretly gay Disney princes.

All of whom love Obama.

Meanwhile, in northern Florida --

Huh.

The only crowds I could never
figure out were in northern Florida.

One week, they're laughing at me,

the next week they're laughing at me!

According to this, the electorate
there is impossible to predict.

It's a combination
of elderly shut-ins, beach bums,

- ...bus passengers
- ...bus passengers

- who ran out of money,
- who ran out of money,

swamp people, and pirates.

These people don't like
to be told what to do.

They just want to sit on a beach
and drink.

Their motto is --

Unwindulax.

Unwindulax?

Oh, my God!

Mornin', Crabcatchers!

You all unwindulaxing?

One person can make a difference.

And that person is Jenna!

The next president of the United States

will be chosen by...

Jenna Maroney.

To be continued...

Mr. Spider!

Ew, web in my mouth!

Next week on "30 Rock".

Will Jenna Maroney choose
the next leader of the free world?

Will Jack or Liz manipulate her
into doing the thing we just said?

Will Cerie ever wear a piece
of clothing for its intended use?

Will Pete drop
the whole Panama thing

and have a totally different story?

Spoiler alert." Yes!

Is Tracy actually a ware otter?

Will Kellan Lutz fill his tummy
with marshmallows?

Will the invisible murderer who's
in every scene finally strike?

Will NBC's head of promotions ever
get that mousetrap off his penis?

Will Kenneth finally defeat
his nemesis, Mr. Spider?

Will your DVR cut this pro --?