30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 2 - Governor Dunston - full transcript

Jack finds himself torn between business and politics while Liz discovers a new way to spice up her love life with boyfriend, Criss.

Very well. I certainly appreciate
your candor.

Were you just Skyping with a horse?

Not a horse, Lemon.

Rafalca, Mitt Romney's
champion dressage mare.

- Sure.
- She answers yes or no questions

by eating either an apple for "yes"
or a carrot for "no."

And if she eats both, that means
life is full of unknowable gray areas.

Remarkable animal.

And thanks to Rafalca,

lam now fully briefed on the Romney
campaign's latest setback.

Did you see the news this morning?

I saw "The Today Show".

Sol know how to make an autumn
pizza that your teen will love.

Paul Ryan dropped out
of the race last night.


Wow. Why?

It turns out he was actually
born in Kenya.

Not a lot we could say about that one.

So now who's Romney's
running mate gonna be?

Rafalca assured me that an announcement

would be made later today.

Or she just wanted to eat an apple.

And how's tanking NBC going?
Is Hank ready to sell?

Soon he'll have no choice.

"Sunday Night Football" is just
Cleveland Browns games.

I'm allowing Jimmy Fallon
to use his real voice.

And the greatest band
in late night, The Roots!

And you're certainly doing your part.

Last week's show was excruciating.

Thank you. I told the writers
there are no bad ideas,

and they really took that to heart.

Yes, I have a reservation
under "Black Hitler".

You know, I could get used
to this "not caring" thing.

And what about your reproductive efforts?


Criss and I have been taking
the dump truck

to the boneyard most nights.

Oh, come on.
Try to enjoy it, Lemon.

Criss looks like a little elf prince!

I should get back downstairs.
The show's not gonna phone itself in.

I do have one concern, Lemon.

Elections can be very good
for sketch comedy shows.

And the last thing I need

is an election-year
ratings spike for TGS.

So no political stuff.

Oh, okay, sure. We'll just have
to rely on observational humor.

Like, um, "table" is a weird word.

Thank you, Lemon.

And you gotta wonder
who came up with the door.

A bunch of cavemen sitting around,

"Hey, Gronk! Before we starve
to death in here, let's make a door!"

I, uh --

7x02 - Governor Dunston
Original Air Date on October 11, 2012

I have been waiting seven years

to tell you people
what I really think of you.

Really? 'Cause you called me
"Mr. Clean's gay uncle"

in front of my children.

This is my first royalty check
from my summer dance jam, "Balls".

# Balls! Balls, balls, balls,
balls, balls, balls #

# Balls! Balls, balls, balls,
balls, balls, balls #

# Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! #

# Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! #

In this envelope
is my cut of every CD sale,

paid download, music video
DVD rental at Blockbuster --

Oh, boy. Jenna, you might want
to look at the check

before you insult us.

And maybe you want to look in a mirror

before leaving your house in the morning

because you look like someone's
been slowly poisoning Sally Field.

Alrighty then.

Read it and weep,
you mouth-breathing vag-repellers!

It's $90, Jenna.

What?! How?!

That song was everywhere!

The FBI blamed it for a spike
in summer sex crimes!

Well, the music industry
isn't what it used to be.

Thanks to Al Gore's stupid Internet,
people can just get music for free.

That's why I got out
of the music business.

# Despite my beautiful singing voice #

# And my amazing songwriting #

- Hey, Jenna.
- Shut up.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, just thought I'd pop in.

No, you damn well didn't!

Lunchtime is when you "pop in".

You got something else on your mind, son.

Fresh shave.

Elevated pulse.


This man is here to do it on a desk.

Tracy, you're disgusting.

No, Liz, he's right.
I am.

No, but I'm not being gross!

We're trying to have a baby,
and you know how Liz's libido is.

So I'm trying to keep it
from being a chore!

That's why I started
tracking her menstrual cycle --

You don't have to prove anything to them.

Just shut your mouth, Criss!

I'm sorry, you're tracking my cycle?

I don't want you stressing about it,
so I made this calendar.

I thought you'd like to know
that you're ovulating.

And I came here today to...

I don't know, spice things up.
I know, it was stupid.

- I know.
- No, okay, I get it. It's --

In the office.

It's like I'm Don Draper
and you're Megan --

Okay, you're Don Draper.

No, you're Glen and I'm Sally!

Wait, there's a system!
This is all organized! God!

The Post-its are for my ideas,
and the pens are for my teeth.

Liz, you have to see this!

Hornberger, what if we'd been having sex?

Then I would have seen
Criss's muscular back.

You think I care?

The next Vice President
of the United States,

Governor Bob Dunston of Alabama!

Well okey-dokey-doo, America!

We gotta have Tracy play this guy
on the show.

He looks exactly like him!

And I was thinking we'd just
lay off the political stuff --

Oh, Liz, he's right.
That guy really looks like Tracy.

Did you guys see
I'm on TV but now I'm old?!

Oh, God, Miss Lemon,
it's happening to you, too!

Okay, fine, the guy looks like Tracy.

But what's the joke?

Ooh, I'm gonna have to
take a moment here.

I sat on my testicles earlier

and the heft of my body

smashed them to smithereens!

Okay, start working on the wig.


Oh, Ms. Maroney,
I want you to meet my mother --

I'm going to stop you
right there, Kenneth.

I am having
an actress side-project crisis,

so I am not interested
in whatever this is

and whatever it thinks it's wearing.

Oh, I can't believe
I just met Jenna Maroney!

I'm so nervous.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.

You were fine, but your friend Ron

sure doesn't know
how to behave around celebrities.

Oh! Oh, I am so sorry, Kenny.

You know, the only celebrity I ever met

was Evel Knievel's motorcycle.

And that was just a picture.

Oh, I almost forgot.

We got you a little something
for your birthday.

Is that a CD?!

You people still buy CDs?!

Kenneth's mother! OMG!
Why haven't you visited us before?!

Well, money's been tight

ever since the market crashed
into our house.

My name is Ron.
I'm Pearline's friend.

I've met celebrities before.

Do you know Evel Knievel's
motorcycle picture?

Oh! Come on, Ron, I'm better than that.

I have so many questions
to ask you people!

Tomorrow, when we break for lunch,

you are coming to my dressing room
and watching me eat.

I wonder what she eats.

Now, I've been
very upfront about this.

See, that girl was in my car

because I was trying to talk her
out of being a prostitute.

And she --

Jack, I have to let Tracy
play Governor Dunston.

Absolutely not.

Come on, he looks exactly like him!

Give me a break, Jack.
Listen to this guy!

Hang on, I'm caught on a nail here --


Okay, now we can continue.

I can't just ignore Dunston, Jack.

Everyone's talking about
how much he looks like Tracy.

Exactly. I'm trying to tank this network.

To that end, I have asked you
to lay off politics.

Uh-huh, but you really meant
was lay off Republicans, didn't you?

This is not about politics, Lemon.

In order to save this network,
I have to destroy it.

Just like BP did

when they heroically tried
to lubricate the Gulf of Mexico.

Now, do not write anything
about Bob Dunston.

I promise I won't write a word.

Are we better off now than
we were four years ago? Not me.

I now have herpes

and the Dixie Mafia
is trying to kill me.

Hey, elf prince!

What makes you think
my last period started on the 29th?

Because you kept saying
your Aunt Flo was in town --

She was! Remember?
I took her to MoMA and the Cloisters?

I assumed those were
all vaginal euphemisms!

Great. So we had sex for no reason.
No reason at all!

- Wow. Thank you.
- Well...

Look, Liz, I know this isn't your... jam.

Which is why I've been
trying to make it fun.

I surprised you at the office,
I wrote you that song --

# Your body is my Garden of Eden #

I hate you!

I'm sorry.

I hate you!

Liz, we both want this to happen,

but it's not gonna work if it's a chore.

Yeah, okay. I know.
I have to relax.

And I promise, as soon as I figure out

when I really am ovulating...

You just spoke in German.

I don't think so, Criss.

I'm caught on a nail here.
I'm caught on a nail.

That was Tracy Jordan
having some fun the other night

at the expense
of Governor Bob Dunston.

Liz, The New York Times called.

George Clooney wants to be on the show.

And you got a gift basket --

Gift basket?!

Pears?! Why?!

Lemon, a word.

We had an agreement.

You promised not to write anything
about Dunston.

And I didn't. Every one
of Tracy's lines last night

was a direct quote
from Governor Dunston himself.

I see. Well, bravo.

You're supposed to say
"brava" to a woman.

Oh, I am well aware of that.

This is a disaster.

Ratings are up,
and now, during the election,

Hank Hooper wants TGS on
five nights a week starting tonight.

You are un-terriblizing this network!

Wait, I have to do a show every night?

Uh-huh. Say good-bye to your free time.

Did you hear that?

That's the sound of "Honey Boo Boo"s
piling up on your TiVo.

- No!
- Your show is ruining my career

and besmirching the name
of a good American.

Bob Dunston is a fine man.

A-ha, so this is about politics!

I'm sure you'd let us make fun
of Joe Biden all we want.

Oh, but how could you?
He's so amazing.

He rides the train!

Liz, Dunston's at a county fair,
and he ate too much chili!

I'm sorry, Jack.
This is bigger than both of us.

Oh, boy, when did ol' Bob Dunston
swallow all this change?!

Pearline, you must be
so proud of Kenneth.

Smell him.
That's Jenna Maroney's garbage!

Oh, he's always been such a special boy.

I remember the day he was born.

He looked up at me and said,
"Momma, I am not a person.

My body's just a flesh vessel
for an immortal being

whose name, if you heard it,
would make you lose your mind."

Do you remember that, honey?

Oh, we're just all so proud of Kenny.

I tell everyone I meet I know
a big shot up in New York City!

Great story, Ron.

So, tell me. What kind of music
do you folks like to buy?

Well, Jenna, you know, times are tough.

And it's not getting any easier

now that Obamacare's extending
our life expectancy.

Let me die in an emergency room

with a treatable disease
like an American!

But music can let you forget
about all that.

Folks like us, we need an escape.

It's like what Jimmy Buffett says,
"I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise."

Of course, we don't have a stereo anymore

on account of our mayor
who's a meth addict.

Took it apart in a field.

- But Ron sings.
- Well...

He writes his own songs.

- Are they about being a loser?
- Some of them.

But mostly they're about
being on a tropical island

and sipping some rum and feeling
the sand between your toes.

What do you know about any of that, Ron?

Kenneth Ellen Parcell, mind your manners.

It just so happens Ron and I
have been to Key West.

Oh, yes, we have.
It was on our honeymoon.

We -- Oh, my --

What -- Oh.

You got married?! When?!

Seven years ago.

Look, Ken, I'm just trying
to replace your dad...

Oh, damn, that's the wrong thing
to say, isn't it?

If you will excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

This is terrible. I've never gone
this long without talking.

Okay, if we're doing a show tonight,

Tracy needs to do a run-through
with the vomit rig.

Props can do 4:00 --

Oh, no, I promise Criss
I would be home this afternoon.

Yeah, for that. And get this:
Criss wants it to be "fun."

How do you make sex fun?

Well, Paula never opens her eyes,

so what I do is look
at a nursing-school catalog

I keep under my pillow.


This "five shows a week" thing
is bonkers.

So, great, let's all figure out
when I can have sex.

Okay, what if Jenna
did her DVD commentary

while she was getting vajazzled?

Then we can move the prop meeting up --

You know what? We have to look
at the whole month.

Oh, yeah.
There it is.

I need to cross-reference this
with my menstruation.

Ooh, this is complicated. Um...

I'm gonna to color-code all of this.

Tracy will be red, Jenna is blue,
and I will be green --

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

It's, um...

Mm, it's getting hot in here, right?

If I had a column
for my basal body temperature,

then I could schedule
around peak ovulation --

Right there.

Yes! That is the spot!

Oh, God, this whole thing
can be a spreadsheet.

If we print it in landscape,
the page will take it all!

Oh, yeah.
It'll take it all.

Oh, my God.


Hey! That was $10!

I think I figured out what's been
missing from my sex life.

Organizing it.

- Cooter? Cooter Berger?
- Hi, Jack.

I took the liberty
of making myself a drink.

Is that red wine with tonic water
and olives in it?

Yeah. It's an Old Spanish!

Is that not a thing?

Oh, the guys at the office
told me it was a cool drink.

Well, I'm always getting pranked.



So, what have you been up to?

Well, after 2008,
I went back to being a lobbyist.

You know, just hanging out
in hotel lobbies.

If you wear a red vest, sometimes
people think you're a valet

and you can take a nap in their car.


Well, it looks like
you're back on your feet.

And how!
You're looking at the Deputy Chief

of Media Relations Romney-Dunston 2012.

Here, have a sticker.

Cooter, this is a puffy frog
with googly eyes.

Oh, no. I've been handing
those out all day!

Listen, Jack, the reason I'm here,

we need to talk about this whole
Bob Dunston-TGS thing.

Yes, I'm taking care of that.

I assure you there will be no more
Bob Dunston sketches on TGS.

No, no no!
That's not what we want.

We need you to make fun of Dunston
as much as possible.

What? Why?

Because it's making him likeable.

He's actually very mean.
But with Tracy Jordan playing him --

He's a lovable buffoon.

Exactly! Nobody's talking
about the Governor's record.

His re-segregation
of the Alabama schools.

His longtime sexual relationship
with the Hank Williams statue

outside Montgomery City Hall.

They're just talking
about how funny Tracy is.

It's a win-win. You help us
take back the White House,

and you goose NBC's ratings!

Yes, and I do want NBC
to get good ratings.

Yeah, I know!
Let's keep saying things we want --

A closer friendship with you
that includes road trips. Your turn.

Jenna, can we trouble you
for some advice?

Yes. If you're only in New York
for a few days,

find a way to see
Amar'e Stoudemire's penis.

It's worth it.

All right, but we'd like
to talk to you about Kenny.

He won't speak to me.

Don, Garlene, I don't have time for this.

I'm trying to write a new album

for the only people
who buy records anymore --

Unhappy, middle-aged bummers like you.

This writing is hard.

Wait! You said you write songs.

Yes, I do, but I'm not
a professional like you

or the bears at showbiz Pizza.

Sing one for me now.

For inspiration.

I'm not gonna steal it.

But if I do, don't even bother
lawyering up.

I'll have my juice on you so fast,
you'll think you're an Asian girl.

Well, okay. I wrote this song
earlier today for Kenny.

You know, I just hope someday
he'll realize --


# Ooh #

# There's picture on my wall #

# Ooh #

# Of a boy who's just yay tall #

# Ooh #

# Without a daddy, he's in danger #

# He needs an older male stranger #

# And when he goes to war #

Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.

Ron, that was terrible.

I'm gonna be constructive here.

- You should kill yourself.
- No, he should not.

I am sorry, Ms. Maroney,
but you don't talk to Ron like that.

What are you talking about?

I've heard you call Ron a dingleberry!

Comparing Ron
to our inconsiderate neighbors,

the Dingleberrys, is something I can do.

But you are not allowed to

because you are not a part of our family.

That's what family is, Kenneth --

People you badmouth all the time
behind their back.

Why, on the train up here,

I called you "a bowling pin
with a face drawn on it."

"A cheap albino lesbian."
"A finger with teeth."

"A Hummel someone left
on the radiator" --

I get it, Mom!

But if anyone else says
a word about you, Kenneth,

I don't stand for it!

Do you remember that kid in school
who bullied you?

Well, I ate that goat.

Because you and I are family.

And like it or not, Kenneth,
so are you and my husband.

Ronald McDonnell.



I think I just got an idea for a song.

It's called "Rum-Soaked Tampon".

Now what were you guys talking about?

# Hey, girl #

# Me and you #

# Yeah, baby #

# This is just more proof #

# That I am an amazing singer #

# Does this song
make you want to do it? #

# You're welcome #

# Girl #

# You're so beautiful
and so is the guy you're with #

# I just want to lick your face #

Hey! Where do you think you are,
Office Max?

Get out of here, you perverts!

Two minutes. Two minutes to air.

Lemon, where have you been?!
You have a show to do.

Don't worry about the show.
It's all scheduled.

Look at this.
Oh, yeah. Mommy like.

What's wrong with you?

I solved my intimacy issues, Jack.

Now that the show is on every night,

everything has to be organized...

Well, congratulations.

I just want to make sure that you're
doing a Bob Dunston sketch tonight.

- Why?
- Because of the, ah, First Amendment.

Which I love.

And what you told me earlier.
You convinced me. You win.

You think I'm an idiot?
I didn't win that argument.

I'm an idiot!

Lemon, what do you want me to say?

You're helping
the Romney-Dunston ticket, okay?

People like Dunston
because they like Tracy.

What? No. If these sketches
are helping Romney,

we're not doing them!

Yes. Maybe that's for the best.

The success of your show

is the only thing keeping Hank
from selling NBC.

And if he doesn't sell,
I'll spend the rest of my career

in corporate obscurity,
like a woman with children.

Damn it! If I don't help Romney,
it's four more years

of socialism,
corporations not being people,

and a basketball court
at the White House!

Let me make your choice easy, Jack.
It's over.

Yes, but is it that easy?

You stop doing Dunston,
TGS goes back to one night a week,

you can kiss good-bye
your Dusseldorf bus schedule sex.

You'll be having Paris Metro sex!

Long sessions of afternoon love-making,

followed by talking and making circles

with your finger in Criss's chest hair!

No! You can't make me!

Do the sketch, I help Romney,
but I ruin my career.

Cut the sketch, you help Obama,
but you screw up your life plan.

It's a win-lose.

Tracy to the floor
for the cold open.

So what are we going to do?

- Break a leg, Tray.
- That shouldn't be hard.

I have a severe calcium deficiency!

When? I'm glad you brought up my record.

It's called "Sounds of Seduction."
And it's available on iTunes.

There are nine types of legitimate rape.

One, a Halloween party.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Do you know if this auditorium
validates parking?

Our opponent would like you to believe

that Mitt Romney is a merman.

Now, I know Mitt Romney
does not live in the sea.

No, Mormon, Governor.

A Mormon?
Now, that's crazy!