30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 3 - Stride of Pride - full transcript

Jack develops a new relationship strategy based on the principles of the movie "The Great Escape," Liz tries to prove that women are funny, and a tabloid reveals that Jenna is 56 years old.

♪ ♪

All right, Lemon,
you got me.

Yes, this is the same
flashy night tie

I was wearing
when I left work yesterday.

My hair is a disaster.

I am indeed
on a walk of shame.

You slut!

That woman
was Pizzarina Sbarro,

the heiress to the
Sbarro Slice and Calzone Fortune.

I should be
heading upstairs to change,

I wouldn't want
anyone seeing me



like this.

Come on.
Walk of shame?

I say call it
a stride of pride

and walk with your arms up,
like this.

That is surprisingly
non-judgmental.

I'm 41 years old, Jack.

I'm no stranger
to the walk of shame.

Yes, I'm still wearing
the same clothes as yesterday.

I stayed up all night

helping Bradley finish
the Joseph coat.

Just hearing that story
tells me that Bradley was gay.

Only sexually.

But I've come
a long way since then.

In fact, since Criss and I
have been trying,



Liz Lemon has
had a little awakening

in her bathing suit area.

Lemon, I've seen
your bathing suits.

- That could be anywhere.
- I'm serious, Jack.

I feel like I'm ready
for one of those

Sex and the city
Girls' brunches,

where you talk about dirty stuff
and make a lot of puns, like,

"and I thought
I was eating eggs."

So is Zarina
your new girlfriend?

Should I, uh, invite her
to my sex talk brunch?

Zarina is not
my girlfriend,

she's one of a diverse group
of women I'm currently seeing.

Group?
Back to judgmental.

Lemon, after Avery, I realized
I'm never going to find

everything I'm looking for
in one woman.

It's not fair
to the ladies,

just because I'm the, uh,
complete package.

- You are a complete package.
- I got the idea

watching The Great Escape
on TCM one night,

how that ragtag
bunch of heroes

worked together to be greater
than the sum of their parts.

Bronson was the brawn,

Attenborough was the brains,

garner was the scrounger,

McQueen was
the hottie with the body.

I'll say it.

Uh huh.
And, uh, how many prisoners

do you have
in this little stalag?

Zarina is the society girl
I take to black-tie events,

when I want to talk politics
I call Anne,

Tabitha knows how
to work my DVR,

and Mindy is
my, uh, sex idiot.

And what if they
find out about each other?

They're all adults, Lemon.
They'll understand.

And if they did
come to blows,

it would be, uh...

Intensely erotic.

Like, uh,

Steve McQueen
on a motorcycle.

Trying to jump that fence
into Switzerland,

but it's too high.

[Elevator dings]

He had
a leather jacket.

Hey, lady friends.

Who would like
to join me for brunch?

My treat.

We could throw back
some cosmos,

talk about our climaxes...

If you heard
my sex stories,

you would lose your mind!

Sorry, Liz.

I'm not even sure
they serve brunch after...

The '90s.

Liz, check this out.

"Jenna Maroney,
looking great at..."

56?
Blarf!

Okay, we are
at a code orange here, people.

A magazine has said
that Jenna is 56.

God, no...
I have children!

We'll get
through this together.

Pete, you go
down to the newsstand.

Buy every copy,
and burn them.

Cerie, get out of here.

Just go home
for the day.

And Kenneth,
get Jenna's copy

out of her dressing room
before she sees it.

Got it?

Oh, my God, Liz.

I am furious.

You know what would
make us all feel better?

A ladies' brunch.

These bitches
are down for it.

How can you
be so calm?

I mean, why would Tracy
do this to you?

Wait, what are we
talking about?

"I agree
@therealstephenhawking.

"Women are not funny.

"Never have been.

Never will be."

Nerd rage!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

How am I supposed to
explain this to Jenna,

who has been your comedy partner

for almost
seven years?

Do you want me
to talk to her?

Honestly, I never realized
she was trying to be funny.

I guess I just thought
she was a wig model.

- Unacceptable.
- Come on, Lem Lizzit.

Name one truly funny woman.

No. I refuse to answer
this question with a list.

It's insulting.

You wouldn't ask
an Asian person

to give you a list
of good Asian drivers.

Gary Tang, Ziang Chu,
Roy Chung...

- Stop it.
- I was done anyway.

Look, if women
are so funny,

do something funny
right now.

[Imitating a child's voice]
Welcome to the flower shop...

No! I don't have to prove
anything to you.

Maybe men and women
find different things funny.

Maybe things that men like
are boring to women.

No, everyone likes
our things.

Football.

Motorcycles.

Steak restaurants.

Really dark
superhero movies.

These are things
that suck.

But women don't go around
wasting our time

writing articles
about them.

And I am not gonna waste my time
engaging you on this topic.

[Door slamming shut]
Well, that went well.

See? That's the kind of
hilarious button

chicks can't come up with.

What is it, Kenneth?
I'm answering my fan mail.

Oh, nothing.
Just doing my daily rounds.

Mmm, my lips are so dry.

I better wet them
with this mop.

Oh, no.

Now my undershirt
is wet with mop juice.

Ohh, I see
what's going on here.

You be the janitor,

and I'll be the piece of gum
on the floor

that you just can't
chisel off.

Sure is hot in here.

Maybe I should
roll up my pants.

Oh, yeah.

Show me that part
of your shins

that's hairless
from your synthetic socks.

Liz, Liz, Liz.

Oh, thank God.

Also, I called in
a fake page six item

about how young Jenna is.

I think our bases
are covered.

Wow.
Okay, great.

We solved
our Jenna problem.

We did it!
Story over.

[The Great Escape theme
playing]

♪ ♪

Are you hungry?

No, I'm okay.

Do you want to
go to a movie, or...

No. We can
just do it.

[Chuckling] Oh, okay.

Oh...
Zarina, hello.

Jack.

Uh, this is Mindy.
Mindy, Zarina.

- Pleasure.
- Yeah.

Oh, shiny.

Uh, look, I know
this is awkward.

But we never said
we were exclusive.

And like
a silver-backed gorilla

or Mitt Romney's
grandfather,

I require more than one
woman to...

Oh, Jack, I understand.

I'm sure Mindy gives you
certain things I can't.

Indeed.

The woman appears to have
no hip joints.

Thank you for being
so, uh...

Zarina.

Another old guy
wanted to buy my shirt.

Old guys are so funny.

Who is this?

Oh, Jack, Ryan.
Ryan, Jack.

- Ryan.
- What's up?

Ryan is my sex idiot.

So, the other night

my boyfriend and I
were making love,

and I suggested
that we wear sleep masks.

I hit my nose
pretty hard

on the bedside table, but...

Liz Lemon.

I just saw this hilarious dude
on YouTube.

You gotta put him
on the show.

No, it's...

Of course,
a hilarious dude.

What was it, some idiot
who let his friend

- skateboard over his penis?
- Even better.

It's a monkey, and his name is
Professor Wigglebottom.

A monkey?

So no women are funny,

but you want me
to put a monkey on the show.

Oh, my God, are we
still talking about that?

We debated this already,
and I won.

Tracy, I'm not putting
any monkeys on TGS.

Because you know what?

I don't think
monkeys are funny.

How dare you
generalize so crassly.

- I'm offended.
- Okay.

Name one funny monkey.

Bonzo, Clyde,
the bear...

No! I refuse to answer
this question with a list.

It's insulting to monkeys,
and their descendants...

Humans!

I win again.

You're okay with this,
right, Jack?

Of course.
How could I not be?

I'm great-escaping you,

so you have every right
to, uh, do the same.

My generation calls it
pokemoning.

Gotta catch 'em all.

I assume your, uh,
sex idiot

gives you something
I cannot.

Although I can't imagine
what that might be.

[Whispering inaudibly]

Really?

Uh, so how many
other pokemons are there?

Jack.

The plural of Pokemon
is "Pokemon."

- Huh!
- Mindy... Mindy...

No, Ryan Lochte!

- Look at me... focus.
- Mindy. [Jingling car keys]

Ms. Maroney.

Did you see
this newspaper headline?

"Teens gone wild: Is Jenna
Maroney partying too hard?"

Be careful, you don't want
to turn out like

Amanda Byne-us.

Did I do it right?

That's a lie.

I am much too old
to party.

I watch Castle,

and my purse is filled
with sweet'n lows.

Liz, can I ask you
a question?

Don't let her take me.

It's not gonna be a question,
it's gonna be

a series
of mean statements.

If I find out
that someone around here

planted this disgusting story
that I'm young,

I'm gonna do to them
what I did to my own ribs...

Take them out.

Jeezit was me, okay?
I did it.

Then Magazine
said I was 56.

- Wait, you saw that?
- Well, of course I did.

I planted it.

What?
Why?

To escape the curse
of the middle-aged actress.

Instead of losing a push-up
contest to Julie Bowen

to see who gets to play
Kevin James's mean wife

who he's sick of
having sex with,

I'm gonna skip ahead
to being

an amazing slut
who wins Oscars.

I mean, how hot is
Helen Mirren?

Super-hot. I mean, have you seen
that picture of her in a bikini?

She looks amazing for...

Exactly...
"For."

She looks amazing
for a 67-year-old.

She's actually not
that hot.

She's got a gut
and British legs.

All right, settle down.

Well, now we know.

It won't happen again.

What if
it's too late, Liz?

I'm in the running
for an endorsement deal

with Geri-Chair,

America's number one
motorized stair climber.

I know Geri-Chair.

They're the company
that makes my bed steps.

You better not have
messed this up for me, Liz.

Because I will take them out.

[Giggling] I'm scared,
but it tickles.

I am aware of this.

Zarina is
great-escaping me,

and of course,
I'm fine with it.

Really? Because I've seen that
look on your face before.

When Jack Welch
called you Rick.

And I was fine
with that too.

I mean, he and I had met
only, like,

a million times,
so why should he remember me.

Maybe I should meet
these other men

in Zarina's Pokemon.

No, bad idea.

There are
no bad ideas, Lemon,

only great ideas
that go horribly wrong.

Look, when no conceivable good
can come of something,

don't engage.

I would love
to keep arguing with Tracy

about whether women
are funnier than monkeys...

I once saw a monkey
in a cowboy outfit.

[Laughing] I would
love to see the town

he's the sheriff of.

The point is, why do I
care what Tracy thinks?

I don't, 'cause I know
the truth.

Women are
just as funny as men,

and you know
the truth too.

I do.

I am the complete package.

I don't need to know
what one thing I give Zarina.

I mean, who cares?

- Not me.
- Great.

So we're not engaging.

This is growth, Jack.

And we are gonna
celebrate

by going to a brunch place
and talking about

my new sex-positive
lifestyle.

Absolutely not.

We did it in the shower.

My shoes got ruined.

I said no!

Sorry I'm late,
everyone.

I had to pick my friend up
from the train station.

Say hello,
Professor Wigglebottom!

[Laughter]
Oh, that dude's awesome.

See how he's wearing
clothes?

And he's got a suitcase

like he's going
on a business trip.

Why's he being
so professional?

We should put him
on the show!

He could play
a young Steven Tyler.

[Laughter]

He looks like me
if I were fancy.

See, Liz?

Everyone's laughing!

Because there are things
that are just funny.

Like monkeys,
the three stooges,

and me!

[Laughter]

And some things
just aren't.

Like females,
and listing only two things.

I'd like to see Lucille Ball
do this on TV!

[Loud laughter]
Male nipples, funny.

Monkey nipples, funny.

Female nipples, useless!

Engaging!

All right,
that's it!

I will prove to you
once and for all

that women are
just as funny as monkeys.

Jenna and I
are re-mounting

our award-winning 1996
two-woman show.

Right here, 4:00 P.M.,
mandatory.

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Cell phone buzzing]

"Thinking of you,
sweetie.

"X-O, Zarina."

"Sweetie."

Why didn't she write,
"thinking of you, Jackie-bear?"

She could have
written this... to anyone.

Jonathan, get me
a young person.

Who has a social life.

It's a group email,
isn't it?

This woman
is pokemoning me.

She's blind-copied you,

but if you just
click this plus sign...

Yep.
There's the whole group.

hip420@brooklyn.beard,

totalpackage58...
Wait, that's me.

I don't care
if it takes all day.

I want you to teach me how to
copy all of those email addresses

and paste them
into a new email.

No, I understand.

You'll let me know
when you've made a decision.

But... okay, bye.

How's it going,
friendy?

Well, that was
Gerald Chair,

the inventor of
the Geri-Chair.

They're leaning towards
Jamie Lee Curtis.

She already beat me out
for Activia,

and cold flash
menopause popsicles.

Ugh. Well,
this might not be

the best timing, but...

- I need a favor.
- Yeah.

Today's the day when I'm gonna
do my first favor ever.

This isn't a favor
for me,

- it's a favor for all women.
- Ugh!

We are gonna
prove Tracy wrong...

- Bored.
- And show him

how funny women are.

- Are we, though?
- By...

Re-staging our old show.

Our old show.

Huh.

Huh,

huh...

Are you thinking,
or doing kegels?

Yes. Let's do it.

But we have to do
the doctor sketch,

the one where
I'm a little girl.

Sure.
Absolutely.

And thank you for being
a friend about this.

Yes, friend.

I mean, yes...

Friend.

Thank you for coming in,
gentlemen.

I look forward to discovering
exactly what each of you

has to offer Zarina
that I do not.

I know she has
a sex idiot

for uninhibited
experimentation.

No, I'm pretty sure
we're in love.

A filthy hippie
to make her feel bohemian.

I get it,
I can't give her that.

Someone to make
her parents angry...

Aw, man,
is that all I am to her?

It's 2012.

Sorry, Norbert.
The truth hurts.

Interesting.

A mean
wall street type.

I would have thoughtht I was
the money guy.

So what does that
make me?

Just the perfect
head of hair? [Chuckles]

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Heavenly father.

You must be
Ken tremendous.

I don't understand.

What am I doing here?

We've covered all the classic
boyfriend archetypes.

Except the father figure.

Where is that guy,
am I right?

The one who falls asleep
at the opera, and doesn't notice

that she's texting
her real boyfriend from his bed.

[Laughs]
Where's that sucker?

Oh, no...
Is it me?



Ladies and gentlemen,
what you are about to see

is a classic sketch
from the Chicago area

piven-nominated
two-woman show,

Maroney and Lemon.

I take you now
to this...

Doctor's office.

[Cutesy little-girl voice]
Doctor, I'm unhappy

with me widdle body.

Can you help me?

Well, of course.

Toddler plastic surgery is
an exciting new field.

We can take you down
an entire diaper size.

[Laughter]

♪ This sketch is hilarious ♪

♪ take it from me ♪

♪ women are funny
we can all agree ♪

♪ Carrol Burnett,
Lucille Ball... ♪

♪ no, not gonna do it ♪

♪ it's beneath us all ♪

♪ 'cause we don't need to
prove it to you ♪

♪ no, we don't need
to prove it to you ♪

"Tank" you, doctor.

Don't thank me,

thank Roe V. Wade.
♪ whoo ♪

[Laughter and applause]
♪ no, we don't need ♪

♪ to prove it ♪

♪ oh, I didn't see
that coming ♪

♪ no, we don't need
to prove it ♪

♪ to you ♪

That was actually funny,
Liz.

So why do TGS
suck so much?

Thanks, Frank.

Elizabeth Q. Lemonade,
I owe you an apology.

That skit was funny.

Like, monkey funny.

Thanks.
That means a lot, Tracy.

When you were, like,
"come in, I'm a doctor,"

- Yeah.
- And you had on

that lab coat,
like a doctor.

A lady doctor...
Oh my God,

that is hilarious!

Really? That's what you
thought the joke was,

there's a female doctor?

Yeah.
And Jenna,

you as that sad old prostitute
trying to look young...

[Laughing]
Commentary!

Old?
Oh, thank you, Tracy.

That's the only reason
I did this.

And it was spectacular!

Gerald!
You came!

You bet I did, baby.

There's nothing older
than trying to be young.

And you looked like
a million years up there.

Congratulations.

You are Geri-Chair's

new spokes-crone!

Lolo Jones,
a man couldn't even do

that doctor sketch.

We would've just been
sitting there

listening to his
medical advice.

You were right,
Liz Lemon.

Women can be funny.

You know what?
I'll take it.

Stride of pride.

Jenna?

[Gasps]
Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.

I didn't think anyone
would be up here this late.

Sometimes, I like to
come up here at night

and flash my breasts
at the empire state building.

Is that the only building
that you flash?

Or do you also flash
the Time Warner center

to make
the Empire State Building

feel like an old fool.

Are you all right,
Jack?

You look like that flash card
they told me means sadness.

I have to break it off
with a woman I'm seeing.

I found out I'm just
an aging squirtle

in her Pokemon.

[Sighing]
That's tough.

Accepting the way
other people see us

can be difficult.

I mean, inside,
I still feel like a sex idiot.

But I have to accept the fact
that I'm fake 56 now,

and I'm more of a Diane Lane
ageless beauty.

But don't fight it,
embrace it.

Look.

Do you really want
this girl asking you

to go hear her friend
DJ in Brooklyn?

No, that sounds
exhausting.

Do you want
to drive five hours

to go rock climbing
with her,

and be expected
to have sex after?

I do not.
I mean, my back.

So don't break up
with her.

Just be the older person.

It's fun.

You get to say racist stuff
whenever you want,

and people bring you soup.

I do like soup.

Okay, so maybe I never
got my Sex and the city brunch.

And maybe I never
got to share the fact

that I now know
four different sexual positions,

one of which
involves a chair.

But maybe a good relationship
is more than that, anyway.

All this talk of great-escaping
and pokemons got me thinking.

Is accepting who you are

the secret to
getting what you want?

Action!

Geri-Chair makes it safe

for me
to spend Christmas alone.

Do men and women really
see the world so differently?

Or can we agree that we're all
just monkeys with suitcases

trying to seem like people?

Well played, Professor.

Wait...
You're a female?

How you doin', girl?

Can we get everything
we need from one person?

Or is that
what friends are for,

to be the allied P.O.W.'s

and whimsical Japanese
mini-creatures

that help us
get through life?

Now, this is how
people danced

before Chubby Checker
ruined everything.

I guess
what I'm saying is

I need to modify
my zappos order,

so please email me back
at your earliest convenience.

Hmm.
[Grunts]

Phyllis Diller,
Joan Rivers,

Gilda Radner,
Lucille ball,

Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin.

Yes, thank you, Tracy.

Those are all
very funny women.

Funny women?

Those are the names
of my fingers.

Irma Bombeck,
Tig Notaro...

Is my impression
of a Chinese person.

Wait! Hold on!

Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique,
and Roseanne Barr.

Now that's some funny women.

All of whom have screamed
at me

because they were
on their period.