30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Beginning of the End - full transcript

Liz discovers that Jack is tanking the entire NBC fall schedule, Jenna asks Liz to be her maid of honor, and Kenneth and Hazel invite Tracy over for dinner.

After all these years,
I finally have it all.

I'm gonna miss this place.

That's how you do it.
It's two lines.

[Car horn honks]

Hey, 1% d-bag!

You can't park here!
You don't own the sidewalk!


It's nice to see you
back at work

and taking advantage of being
in the greatest city on Earth,

despite our tiny
and American sodas.

Well, I feel like New York City

is one of the characters
on our show.

That's idiotic.

So how was your hiatus?
Start with what puzzles you did.

Venice, solar system,

The cast of L. A. Law.
That one took me a while.

So much white.

Good to be back, but stressful.

The usual Liz Lemon
work-life balancing act.

- How are things with Chris?
- Good.

We are trying...

Really, Lemon?
You can't even say "trying"?

What positions are you using?

The one. There's only one.
Talk about something else.

We'll talk about me.

I have never been better.

And my divorce went smoothly.

In fact, thanks to a round
of golf with Archbishop Dolan,

I was never married.

Libby won a bronze

in horsey jumpy
at the baby Olympics,

and at work, I am taking
the bull by the horns.

Have you seen
the new fall shows?

Yes, I have...

Seen them.

If you're tired
of sexy vampires,

then you'll love Hunchbacks,

starring Jonathan Silverman
as Dr. Fantastico.

And do you like
the information channel

you get when you stay
in a hotel?

Well, Thursdays
is just that now.

Yes, little big man discovered

the grass isn't always greener
on the other side,

and came crawling back.

My grandmother
was seriously ill.

I went to salinas
to feed and bathe her.

- I'm sorry.
- I still don't like you.

God cop?

"Crime just got
a new worst friend."

The hell is that?

A show I am very excited about.

A New York City detective
solves crimes

with the help
of his new partner, God.

So God just
tells him who did it?

God can't just
tell him who did it.

- Why not?
- Watch the pilot, Lemon.

It's all explained in the end

by the wise black man
played by Karl Malone.

You're really
taking some swings here.

I have no choice.

My boss Hank Hooper
is clearly planning to retire.

Word is he bought a boat.

But it's not a yacht,

for corporate parties
and Hooker disposal.

It's a two-man
fishing boat.

I believe that
is called a skiff.

I will not have you telling me
boat names in my own office.

Hank has vowed to keep
Kabletown in his family.

I have one chance to change
his mind before he retires.

That's where shows
like God cop,

O.J. Simpson live,
and Rule of threes come in.

- Oh, brother.
- Oh, brother...

A comedy about
two jive-talking con men

hiding out in a monastery.

bring me my green light.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Screaming, crying]

My wedding is gonna be
a disaster!

The doves I ordered
for the wedding came,

and they're all dead!

Ugh! Ugh!
One of 'em touched my tongue!


Calm down.

I'll show you
that video of Taylor Swift

getting hit in the face
with a foul ball.

Oh, I'm fine, Liz.
The doves were just a drill.

Everyone needs to be on their
toes for my wedding year.

I'm gonna be a nightmare.

Wait, if that was a drill,
did you kill those doves?

No. I bought them
at the dead dove store.

Grow up, Liz.

Jenna, you're always a...

High-strung perfectionist.

I prefer
soul-sucking monster.

How could your wedding
make you any worse?

I don't know,

but it's a fun little journey
we're all gonna go on together.

Uh huh.
So when is this wedding?

I can't tell you.
It's a secret surprise wedding.

Because that's what
all the big celebrities do.

Beyonce, J.Lo,
Natalie Portman,

whose real last name
is Hershlag, by the way.

Okay, that's not relevant.

I just think
people should know.

You know,

I have a lot
of really good friends

I could ask to be
my maid of honor.

Paz de la huerta,
the former Mrs. Jon Cryer,

honey boo boo's mom.
- June.

But you're my oldest friend.

And also, I've known you
for a long time.

Liz, will you be
my maid of honor?

Oh, Jenna, that is so nice.

But I've just got
so much going on

with the show and baby stuff.

Oh, God!
My hands! Please!

I'll do it! I'd love to do it!
You're my best friend!

Oh, yay!

Oh, you're in charge
of the bachelorette party.

Make sure you have a stripper
there from every race.

Start looking for Indian now.
It's a tough booking.

Mm, best friendies!


[Door closes]

[Knocks] Mr. Jordan.
I need some advice.

I recommend you get it
from Liz Lemon

or an owl who wears glasses.

No, sir.
It's about women.

I've been living with Hazel
for the past few months,

and while we have
gotten to second base...

You mean a threesome
with Robinson Cano?


I mean sharing a yogurt.

I'm saving myself for marriage,

and Hazel says
she's saving herself

for a grade-a pork machine.

And those are expensive.

It's just Hazel's
my first real girlfriend,

and I want to
make sure I'm doing

everything I can
to make her happy.

I'll tell you
how to make a woman happy.

You take charge.

She comes home one night,

you're in the kitchen naked
cooking chili.

You feed it to her
out of your hands.

Make her act like a bird.

Damn it, I don't know.
I've been married for 22 years.

That's half as long as it
felt like Arliss was on TV.

You want to make a woman happy?

You listen to her.

'Cause guess what.
She's always right.

The women in our lives
are queens.

Honor your queen, Kenneth.

If she wants to look
at new window treatments,

you go to crate barn.

If she wants to have
a dinner party,

you go fry up some dolphins.

She does say
we never entertain.

You're losing her.
Go get her!

Go get your woman!

And speaking of which,

Angie's been
in the hospital for a week.

Could you go find out why?

- Ooh.
- Thank you.

Frank, you do stand-up.

How would you like
to have your own sitcom?

Can I have a hot wife?

- If you gain 50 pounds.
- Yeah.

Hey, I have an idea for a show.

It's about a boy
who befriends a talking panda,

and they're allowed
to sleep in the same bed.

Have it on my desk tomorrow.


Look, Jack,
I know you think fixing NBC

is just another negative
synergy dynamics matrix.

I wish.

Then I could just solve it
with a Schwarzfeld tesseract.

No, this is the nadir
of my career, Lemon.

No room for advancement,
a boss who doesn't get it.

Every day, I wish some other
company had bought NBC.

Xerox, Alcoa, Paas.

The Easter Egg company?

They own their market.

When was the last time
you bought

a non-Paas egg-dyeing kit?

Try never.
Paas is the best.

Their wire egg dipper
is tops in the industry

with the thinnest egg loop
to reduce dye lines.


Only I don't work for Paas.
I work for Kabletown.

But I have a plan
that will fix everything.

Okay, here's the thing, Jack.

Your plan isn't gonna work.
Your shows are terrible.

I mean, have you seen
that new game show Homonym?

Your next word is "meat."

Oh, boy. Um...

Like when two people
run into each other.

Uh, sorry, it's the other one.

- Your next word is "stare."
- Okay.

Um, the things
you climb to get...

No, no, it's the other one.

It's always the other one.
Let me see the card.

No! Never!

- Your shows stink, Jack.
- Really?

So you don't peacock them?

I don't... think so.

But look, I get it.

The clock's ticking, and you
feel like time's running out.

It's like me and everything.

How long is this show
gonna last?

How many eggs do I have left?

Will I ever finish reading
the corrections?

But you can't let that panic
get into your head.

Well, thank you
for your feedback, Lemon,

but I'm not panicking,
I know exactly what I'm doing,

so good peacock to you.

- But, Jack...
- I said good peacock.


Mr. Jordan.

I mentioned your
dinner party idea to Hazel.


And I thought we'd have a little
fete Chez nous ce soir.

Oh, how nice to meet a woman
who speaks the language

of the Nazis'
most enthusiastic collaborators.

What a kind invitation.

I do enjoy seeing
the homes of poor whites.

What should I bring?

Just bring
your fascinating self.

Kenneth tells me
that you started

your own movie studio
this summer.

Yes. I'm sort of
the black Tyler Perry.

Oh, and I'm an aspiring actress

whose most recent
credits include

running onstage
during Sister act.

This is wonderful.

Tracy Jordan
is coming to dinner.

Just like in that episode
of Family matters

when Tracy Jordan
came to dinner.

You know I wasn't scripted
to be in that episode.

I just wandered onto set because
Reginald Veljohnson owed me $40.


I'm thinking about Vegas
for the bachelorette party.

We can't stay at the Palms.

One of the Maloofs
wants me dead,

and the other one loves me.

I don't remember
which is which.

Okay, great.

Tracy, I need your advice.

You like to throw parties.

Why is everyone
asking me for advice?

I'm Tracy Jordan.

Father of 3, married 22 years.

I run my own business.

Oh, my God.
I'm the most stable adult here.

Oh, God, I don't want to be
Jenna's maid of honor.

She wants her
"something borrowed"

to be Jessica Biel's youth.

I don't know how to get that.

If you don't want to do this,
you should tank it.

That's what I do when
I want to get out of something

like a schedule,
a parent-teacher conference,

or this boring conversation.

Tank it?
Wow, no.

That's not "how I roll."

Thank you for saying that
in dated urban slang

so that I'll understand you.


And I would certainly never tank
on my friend Jenna.

Because you're
terrified of her,

the way most white ladies are
with their best friends?

That is racist,
and only part true.

A good person doesn't
intentionally do a bad job.

I mean, look at Jack.

He's in this
terrible position at work,

he wishes he were
somewhere else.

Is he tanking it?

No. In fact,
he's trying even harder.

Tonight on NBC,
Joe Rogan is Mandela.

And if it's Wednesday, it must
be cricket night in America.

Then on Jay, a full hour
of Gary Sinise's band.

Oh, my God.
Jack's tanking NBC!

Turn your round.
God cop scene 24.

I know what you're doing, Jack.

You are purposely
tanking the network.

Good God, Lemon, what is it

with you liberals
and your conspiracy theories?

I've got bad news for you.

The CIA did not
invent crack cocaine,

the Levees blew themselves up
in New Orleans,

and no one is trying
to destroy NBC.

Hang on, did you cast yourself
in this show?

What can I say?

We saw hundreds of actors
for God.

Finally, the network executive
said I should just play it.

You're the network executive.

Uh, could we have a moment,

You got me.

I'm steering the Titanic
into the iceberg.

Are you trying to get fired?

I'm trying to get Hank
to sell the network,

and the only way
to make him do that

is to turn it into
a money-losing embarrassment.

This explains everything.

How long has this
been going on?

Seven years, eight?

Six weeks.

I have an investor lined up

who'll buy the network
and keep me in charge.

I can't tell you who it is,

but his word is as good

as the color consistency
on one of his Easter Eggs.

Adolph Paas?

This is wrong, Jack.

Lemon, I cannot go to another
business school reunion

and sit at the non-CEO table
with the...

Women and nice men.

You're right, Lemon, the clock
is ticking for both of us,

but if I pull this off,
it's good for you too.

You've never worked at a
properly-managed company before.

That's true.

Before this, I ran
an all-women's theater company.

- Everyone was vice-president.
- Think of the job stability.

Less stress, a commissary
that has taco Tuesdays again.

After seven years,
you'll finally have a life.

And what if your plan
doesn't work?

Of course, it's a risk,

but sometimes your only choice
is to blow everything up

and build something better
out of the rubble.

Look at Sherman's
march to the sea.

Or what my good friend bane
tried to do to Gotham.

Join me, Lemon.

Help me tank NBC.

Never. You're playing
with peoples' lives here.

Who do you think you are?

God, we're ready for you.

If there is one thing
I have realized from being God,

it's that the more you know,

the more you realize
you do not...


Why is he learning anything?

He's supposed to be God.
[Knock on door]

[Gasps, turns off TV]

Now, don't embarrass me.

Welcome to our home.

Well, it's not
technically a home,

because no one's
supposed to be living here,

but welcome to our condemned
site of the Candyman murders.

Will you put this in the oven
at about 200 degrees?

My snake should be
very comfortable

while she gives birth.


Mr. Jordan, please help
yourself to some appetizers.

Thank you.
Your home is terrible.

Shall we conversation?

- Yes. We're having weather.
- Much weather.

So speaking
of your movie studio...

This conversation
has a real flow to it.

Do you ever have
any roles for white women

who've been described
by the Hollywood reporter

as "some lady" who ruined
the premiere of Paranorman?

Oh, I always have one white
person in all of my movies.

We have to have a villain.

Oh, and who's worse
than us whites, right?

I mean, look at slavery.
That was bananas.


Oh, that sturgeon
just will not die.

Excuse me a moment.

Oh, I also do accents.

[Asian accent]
Oh, me a cockney person.

This is your Uncle Bob?


Oh, Liz.

Paul's family dog
is gonna be the ring bearer.

Zoltan is an 18-year-old
German Shepherd who cannot walk.

So you're gonna be
in charge of him.

No, Jenna,
I'm allergic to dogs.

Oh, don't worry.

He's hairless because
of his insanity medication.

Also, since this is
a surprise wedding,

you're gonna want
to carry around

your bridesmaid's dress
with you at all times.

Look how great this is
gonna look next to me.

You know I can't
wear green, Jenna.

The clinique lady says
I have witch undertones.

Liz, this isn't about you.

Now, tonight, we have
a tasting with the caterer.

It's gonna be
molecular gastronomy.

The cake is a tasteless foam.

[Deep voice]
There's no cake?

Tonight on NBC...

Tank it,

the reality event of the year

where we make grandpas
put on tank tops

and then laugh at them.

Tank it.

You know what?
I can't do anything tonight.

Because tonight is your surprise
bachelorette party! Aah!

Aah! No way!
You planned it already?

Sure. And you should
get your hopes way up.

See you at my apartment
at 8:00.

Your apartment?

It's a surprise.

And there's nothing worse
than a surprise Lemon party.

Kenneth, darling,

why don't you run out
and get dessert?

Oh, but we have
government ice cream.

And that's what you're
gonna serve to Tracy Jordan?

I'm as shocked as anybody.

Oh, uh, okay.

Oh, maybe the nice
vending machine

at the prison is working again.

You're a real man,
Tracy Jordan,

playing it cool all night

while I rubbed your foot
under the table.

My foot?

That's shoe stuffing.

It helps keep
the shape of my shoes.

Why was you
rubbing my foot anyway?


You know what's happening here.

I never know
what's happening anywhere.


Okay, let's get
this party started!

Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

What is this?

It's your bachelorette party.

Bethany from work is here,
and a bunch of my neighbors,

a clown.

And there's
a God cop marathon on NBC.

I think Esposito lied to us.

What do you mean "you think"?
You're God!

I don't understand
the rules of this.

Let us pray.

To whom?

Before you say anything,

I have one more
surprise for you.

Officer, we're ready!

Oh, thank God.

Listen up, ladies.
You're all in a lot of trouble

if you don't protect yourselves
against identity theft.

Please take a pamphlet,
pass them along.

Okay, you're upset.

But this is what you get

when you choose Liz Lemon
as your maid of honor.

Oh, so let's
get this over with.

I mean, what's the worst
you could possibly...

- Aah!
- [Screams]

Tracy, I will do anything

to play a villain
in one of your movies.

The camera loves me.

when I flash my baby blues.

Why are they blue?

- Yeah.
- No.

I'm married, Hazel.

So am I.

And if he ever wakes up
from that coma, I'm dead!

That's why I live for today.

You're just using Kenneth,
and I'm telling him everything!

Go ahead and try.

I'm gonna have to try?

Worst night ever!


Just ask one of your famous
friends to be maid of honor!

Why do you think I asked you
in the first place?

Because you're not famous!

You think I want
someone up there with me

that other people
are looking at?

I wanted you
because you're nothing!

[Glass breaks]

Yeah, I get it.

You didn't want
to get Pippa Middleton.

Why would you even mention her?


Who's gonna be
my maid of honor now, Liz?


From the rubble, I will build.

Are you talking about me
underneath your breath?

Jenna, that's it.

Nobody will be
your maid of honor

because there's only
one person who can be.


- What? That's crazy.
- Think about it.

There would be nobody
to steal your spotlight.

In fact, you would
have two spotlights.

I think the maid of honor
should sing at my wedding.


And she could do a fashion
show that takes the audience

all the way through
the wedding night.

And what if she came in
in a wheelchair,

and then stood up, and everyone
applauded and cried?

I know you doubted me, but now
you see my plan could work.

So what do you say?

Are you on board, Liz?

You just called me Liz!

Oh, we can fix that
in the cutting room.

Uh, Jonathan...

Where's my car?

Kenneth, I have something
I need to tell you.

Last night when you left,
Hazel came on to me

'cause she wants me
to put her in a movie.

Hazel, is this true?

Yeah, it is true.


What I said was

I would never sleep with Tracy
for a part in a movie.

Oh, please, you would love for
me to fall asleep on top of you.

Come on,
Kenmore washers and dryers,

who you gonna believe here?

- My best friend.
- Not really.

- And my girlfriend.
- You wish.

Well, I always
believe you, sir,

because you're on television.

And webisodes.

But yesterday you told me
our women are queens,

and they're always right,

which means I should
believe Hazel.

But that would make you wrong,
Mr. Jordan.

And you've never been wrong
about anything before.

It's a blessing and a purse.

You can't both be right.

Unless Hazel is always right.

But only because you said so,
Mr. Jordan,

which means you're right too.

And both sides being right
is like kissing your sister.

A wonderful treat!


Bad move, Jordan.

We'll see who's still
working here in six months.

My hearing is bad
because of firecrackers,

but we'll see who's still
working here in six months.

- That's what I just said.
- What?

Okay, I get it.

Sometimes tanking it
is the only option.

What did you do?

Fake a sprained ankle to get
out of that breast health 5k?

No, I did that.

I forgot my sports bra,
so ironically...

Uh, it doesn't matter, Lemon.

I'm just glad
that you've seen the light.

Now, help me tank NBC,
and you'll be helping yourself.

You'll have it all.

Jack, it's 9:30
in the morning.

We're not trying to do
a good job here, Lemon.

Now, what do you say?

Are you in?

Let's take this mother down.

- Next word, "sent."
- I don't care.

Okay, "cent" like a penny.

No! Sorry, no.

Oh, it's a homonym double down.

Means you get to guess again.

- "Sent."
- Okay, um...

Then "scent"
like a smell or an odor.

No. It's the third one.

[Bleep] Yourself!

Next word is "au pere."

What? There is only
one definition.

It's like a nanny,
a foreign nanny.

No! You forgot.

It could also be an exclamation
about a fruit,

as in, "oh, pear!"

What you are doing here
is not right!

I'm... I'm leaving.