30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 22 - What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year? - full transcript

Jack discovers Avery's secret affair in North Korea just before they renew their vows, Criss is ready to make a bold move in his relationship with Liz, and Kenneth is forced to live with Hazel when his page application is rejected.

You didn't whisper in my ear
and kiss me to wake me up

like you always do.

I've never done that.

Sweetie, wake up.
It's morning.

I love you too.

Anyway, I'm taking the van
out to Queens.

There's this big parade.
Parades need people.

People need hot dogs.

That's where
Van Der Beek and I step in.

You named your van after
the guy from Dawson's Creek?

I've seen everything he's
ever been in except for that.

Please just let me pay
for the renovation.


Or we could just hold off.

We don't need a nursery now.

And who knows if we'll ever
even have a...

Plant or whatever?

See, you're already backing
off of this whole thing

because you don't think
I'm the guy to do it with.

- You're gonna bail on me.
- I don't bail.

I am still watching Smash,

Well, I'm not gonna be
the reason

why you put anything on hold.

I'm getting that money.

Good morning!

Girl talk time.

Fine, I'll go first.

Since I had to move out of
Razmig's place,

my living situation's been
a little in flux,

and obviously I can't go
to a homeless shelter.

I mean, the people there

can be a little sexually
conservative for my tastes.

So I was thinking...

Maybe I could crash with you
for a year or so?


Look, Hazel.
I'm sorry, but no.

You and I do need
to have some boundaries.

Poor baby.

Can't hack it
in the big city?

Gonna move
to the bay area now,

pretend that that was
your dream the whole time?

Have fun always carrying
a light sweater.

Is this about when I tried
to cripple you?

Jenna, that was weeks ago.

Bye, Hazel.

I look forward to reading
your obituary,

"Least famous person
in the world dies."

Lemon, didn't you
get ordained online

and perform a lesbian wedding
last summer?

Yes, I married Becky and Dee
because love is love

and there's no reason

they shouldn't experience
the joy of marriage

like any other couple.

I'm not going
to the container store.

- This is my Saturday.
- Congratulations.

You just turned
into your father.

Avery and I want to renew
our vows tomorrow afternoon

and we need and officiant.

Jack, no way.

Wanting to renew your vows
is a sign

that there are
deeper problems.

You kissed Avery's mom.

Which they both know about.

And they're fine with it.

They're fine with it?

What Bill O'Reilly erotic novel
are you living in?

I suppose our situation
is most reminiscent

of "The Commodore's lust"

from the "Patriot's after dark"

Okay, fine.

But if I'm doing this for you,
guess what, buddy.

I get your Yankees tickets
on a-Rod bobblehead day.

And I'm gonna throw that thing
in front of a train.

- Go Phillies!
- Thank you, Lemon.

Skinny arm-havers!


What a wonderful surprise.

I did not know
you were coming up for this.

And why wouldn't I,

Although, a vow renewal
is a little tacky,

so I'd rather
they weren't doing it.


That's the reason you wish
we weren't doing it.

There's other reason,
right, mother?

Stop, drop, and roll!

Let me out!
Let me out!

S06Ep22 - What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year

Well, Tracy, I hope
you're proud of yourself.

You were named
"man of the year"...

By the "Journal of the Aryan
patriot party."

Did they say
when the banquet is?

Because I'm kind of between
tuxes due to weight fluctuation.

Tray, this is not good.

You are a representative
of the black community.

You're supposed to be making us
look better, not worse.

I do!

For instance, in Pixar's
upcoming movie about trash,

I'm doing the voice of a lazy
bottle of grape-flavored soda

named Funky Bobo.

Okay, I hear it!

Scott and I saw each other
every day at work,

but we're forbidden
from speaking.

I was living in an exact replica
of Cinderella's castle

that Kim Jong-Un had built
for his shoe collection.

And I was kept in a pit

where they made me beat
my best friend to death.


What an ordeal.

And I know a little bit
about suffering

because I work out...
A lot!

I think we have a clip.

Kim Jong-Un's fifth Miss
Universe title in four years.

And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.

Thank you, Avery.

Now for today's highlights.


And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.

Thank you, Avery.

And now for highlights.
Kim Jong...

And now with sports,

Scott Scottsman.

Thank you... Avery.

And now with today's sports...


It's a code!

I'm sorry.

I was gonna come in here
and cry

'cause I didn't get back
into the page program.

But instead I'm being brave.

Stop whining.

I don't have a place
to live, Kenneth.

I'll have to go back upstate
to that cult.

I had so many husbands.

You really don't have
a place to live?

Well, where will you sit
patiently in the dark

while you wait
for the next day to start?

I mean, sleep?

Miss Wassername,

you can stay with me.

I remember how tough it was
when I first moved to New York.

I still wouldn't be able
to afford rent

if I didn't have a roommate.

Have a good day, Doris.

"You have
a good day too, Kenneth."

Whatever, Doris.
Grow up.

Well, if you really
mean it...

I don't mean it,
I nice it.

You're staying with me,

How was your day?

What are you doing?

your question, dear.

My day was revealing.

Jack, I can explain.

You love wet feet?

Okay, maybe I haven't
mastered your code,

but I'm trying to say
you lied to me.

You said you didn't do anything
with Scott.

Is this nothing?

"I miss you at night.
I think about you all the time.

"I couldn't get through this
without you.

Check out Kim Jong-Un's pants.
Where's the flood?"

How could you do this to me?

Scott and I
have never touched, Jack.

Unlike you and my mother.

I thought you forgave me
for that.

Of course, darling.

Now maybe you can forgive me
for developing feelings

for the only other person
in the world

who knew
what I was going through!

All right, we obviously have
some problems to sort out,

but we're going
to get through this.

- We're Jack and Avery.
- That's right.

We're not quitters.

I'm not even angry anymore!

Nor am I!

Do you wanna watch
Downton Abbey tonight?

I'd love to!
Maggie Smith is a treasure!

My soil's pretty good
so I will plant this seed

My back's still strong enough
to pull some weeds

I can kick out
all these stones

And I can shoo
these birds away

Growing together every day

We find
a little sunny spot

With mornings full of dew

And I will tell
the garden club

How proud I am of you

Growing together
it's just botany

Growing together

Planty and me

I know. I'm sorry.

I didn't...


Hi, I was thinking about you.
How's the parade going?

Tough crowd.

I had no idea the shmuley
Israel memorial parade

was a predominantly
Jewish event.

you don't have to do this.

I am not gonna
give up on you.

You know what kind of women
in their 40s

have never been married, Liz?

Uggos, crazies, and bailers.

You're not an uggo.

And you're "ha-ha" crazy,
not "oh, boy" crazy,

which means you bail.

So I'm not gonna give you
an excuse to quit.

I don't care what it takes,
I'm getting that money.

Planty, no!

I don't care about that.

Okay, who am I?
Who am I?


See you tonight, roomie.

Yes, you will.

- Hazel.
- What?

A moment, please.

Let's cut through the crap,

I know how you think.
You lie, you cheat.

You manipulate
to get what you want.

I'd admire you
if you weren't brunette.

I'm a natural blonde.

That's insane!

Look, I don't know
what your angle is with Kenneth,

but you leave him out of this.

I don't have any angle
with Kenneth, Jenna.

I've already taken care
of him.

What's that supposed
to mean?


Stop looking at my ass.

Stop pointing your ass
at my eyeballs.

It's an honor to finally
meet you, Questlove.

this is Dr. Cornel West.

He teaches African-American

at Princeton.

Yeah, brother Walter and
brother Warren and I were out

seen in The Five-year engagement
last night,

and they mentioned
your concerns

about the image you're
presenting as a black man.

Look, I don't wanna make us
look bad,

but these dumb white writers

don't know how
us soul cats speak,

one 'twixt the other.

And they keep backing up this
truck full of money

for me to do this crap.

I don't know what to do.

Before you change
the system,

you've got to change yourself,
brother Jordan.

Who were your black role models
growing up?

Darth Vader, ninjas,

some black licorice I tried to
make into the shape of my dad.

That's the challenge there.

How are you gonna be
a black role model

when you've never had one?

I've been blessed to have
mom and dad

and my brother Cliff,
John Coltrane, Curtis Mayfield,

and as of last night,
brother Jason Segel.

So I just need to find
my own role model to inspire me.

But where should I look?

Might be closer
than you think.

Maybe right under
your own nose.

Under my own nose.

Like a mustache.

A mustache.

Tom Selleck!

You've got to go
to a civil rights museum.

I'm praying for my brother.

Excuse me.

Diana! The ceremony's not
for a little while.

You might wanna pace yourself.

Are you gonna
do the part

where you say, "speak now
or forever hold your peace"?

I was gonna.

This is gonna be a mess!


Excuse me,
are you Elizabeth Lemon?

During the ceremony,
are you gonna do the whole

"speak now or forever
hold your peace" part?

Wait, what?
Why? Who are you?

I'm Scott.
I was in Korea with Avery.

We used to tap messages
to each other during the news.

One day we made love
while tapping.

It was beautiful.
No butt stuff.

No, no, no. Scott, you don't
wanna break up a marriage.

I'm not married.

Before I got kidnapped,

Teresa and I were engaged
to be engaged.

No, Jack and Diana... Avery!
Avery and Diana...

Damn it!
Jack and Nancy.

No, do not do anything.

Excuse me, lady.

You do the vow?

You know, "speak now or forever
hold your peace" part?

My God.
Are you...

No! I'm nobody!

Kim Jong-Il is dead.

I'm only waiter.

I'm greatest waiter
of all time.




Quick question about the vows.

The whole "speak now or forever
hold your peace" part...

All things considered,
it kinda feels like it's just...

Asking for trouble.

Liz, do the vows
as written.

Yes, this relationship
has been tested.

And yet here we are.

To quote George W. Bush,

"bring 'em on."

He said that to me
in Galveston

when a busload
of drunk debutantes

tried to get on his boat.

It was named "Mr. water boat."

Did it sink?

Because there were
too many people on it.

But the spirit of his words
lives on.

Okay, but are you sure...

I appreciate
your concern, Lemon.

But Avery and I don't quit.

Hello, Kenneth.

How are things
with your new roommate?

Are you talking
about Hazel or the raccoon

that won't let me
into my kitchen?

Either way,
the answer is "wonderful."

I'm talking about Hazel.

I know how she thinks,

So I went down
to human resources,

turned on the old charm,

and got a copy
of the application

you submitted
to the page program.

This isn't my application.

This isn't even
my handwriting.

Do you know
whose handwriting it is?


She sabotaged you
so you won't become a threat.

And to think I thought
Hazel was a bitch!

Friendly and loyal
like a well-trained female dog.

But she isn't a bitch.

She's a meaniepants.

This is gonna be a mess.

Police are reporting
that a bank on Jackson Avenue

was robbed this afternoon
by a lone suspect...

A white male in his 30s.

Security cameras caught
the getaway van heading West

towards Manhattan.

Nerf herder!


Come on, Tray.

Are you telling me you haven't
found one person in here

who inspires you?

What about
Frederick Douglass?

A guy with two first names?

That dress belonged
to Rosa Parks.

She's one
of my personal heroes.

I think I found
my role model.

Good choice.

Sister Parks once said
each person must live their life

- as a model for others...
- Shut up, Dotcom.

I'm not talking about her.

I'm talking about me looking
funny in this reflection.

I'm gonna do a movie where
I play someone's fat old aunt

and I say stuff like,

And "sweet child,
sit yo' black ass down!"

No, Tray, that's exactly
what we're trying to avoid.

Questlove asked me
to find a role model.

I did.
It's Tyler Perry.

From now on,
my movies will be produced,

written, directed,
and seen exclusively

by African-Americans.

That's right.

I'm starting my own studio.


You can't go to prison,
you idiot.

They will ravage you
and your beautiful woman face.

I'll say I did it.

I can handle prison.

I have a mean face
and I can will myself to sleep

in any environment.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

The heist.
They saw your van.

Why didn't you take out
the cameras

and kill all the witnesses,
you beautiful bastard?

I didn't Rob a bank, Liz.

No, I sold the van
this morning...

To a really nice young guy
on Meth.

You sold Van Der Beek?
For me?

I sold Van Der Beek...
For us.

I don't wanna wait
for our lives to be over.

And now...
I can pay to redo the upstairs.

And I was gonna go
to prison for you.

Even when I thought
you had robbed a bank,

I wasn't gonna bail.

I won't bail on you!

You won't bail on me.

You won't bail on me.

Have you ever had
a girlfriend

willing to Thelma and Louise
with you?

No. Never.

But come on, Bonnie and Clyde.
Okay, I'm a boy.

I'm a boy, Liz.

Also, I hear Pippa Middleton
couldn't come today

because Avery was borrowing
her ass.

If anyone can show
just cause

why Jack and Avery may not
be lawfully joined together,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.


I just want alereeb
to be happy.


Where are you going?

You're the best waiter
I've ever seen.

I know, Mr. Stepanian.
I know.

So no one.

Are you people kidding me?

Seriously, no one
has anything to say?

You're all cowards.

He kissed my mother.

And she's in love
with Scott.

How can you stay silent when
there's so much to object to?

What kind of friends are you?

I have something to say.

I played Avery Jessup
in "Kidnapped by danger,"

now available
on Sega Genesis.

Thank you!

I forgot about the TV movie
that whitewashed our love story.

I was dating another woman.

And I wasn't ready
to get married.

We only did it because...

- She was pregnant.
- I was pregnant.

You truly are
an amazing woman, Avery.

The only thing you're bad at
is quitting.

I kept my sea monkeys alive
for 30 years.

We're both incapable
of failure,

so deep down we were hoping

someone else
would ruin it for us.

I mean, if we wanted
this thing to succeed,

why would we ask Liz
to officiate?

Because I'm good
at blending humor and heart?

I'll always care for you.

We'll split assets
in custody equally.

I'll take our friends
"A" through "L."

You'll get "M" through "Z".

Liz, divorce us.

By the power vested in me

I now pronounce you


I thought
you were my friend.

But you were trying
to destroy me the whole time.

It started that way.

But then I fell in love
with you.

All you've done
is lie to me.

How can I believe you now?

Believe this.

Don't you ever
do that again.

This would make a great room
for a baby.

You said, "baby,"
instead of "plant."

Now say, "man cave."


Didn't expect
to see you tonight.

In all the commotion,

I forgot to give you
this little...

Thank you for officiating
our event.

It's the remote control
holder you wanted from Skymall.

Yes! Yes!

Criss is doing
a little renovating upstairs...

Because we are thinking
about having a baby...


That will emerge
from my vagina.

Or a Chinese vagina.


I'll see you at work tomorrow.

Wait, that's it?

You're not gonna give me
any advice?

I can't, Lemon.
I don't have any right to.

I've been, uh...

Divorced... twice.

Engaged two other times.

I'm... a mess.

But any child would be lucky
to have you

be the mother it loves
then hates for a few years,

then loves again,

then half-heartedly defends
to its spouse,

then puts in a home.

You don't need my advice.

But I still want it.

If you decide
to have child,

you going to make
an excellent mother...

As long as you follow
Jack Donaghy's

25 pillars of motherhood.

Number one,
don't overthink the names.

Stick to Kings and Queens
of England.

There will never be
a president Ashton

or a Dr. Katniss.

Or a non-sexually confused

Number two...

We had a good time

I wonder what will happen
to the gang next season.

Will Liz have a baby?

Will Jack become supreme leader
of Kabletown?

Will Kenneth...

No, I don't care!

All I want is Jack and Liz
get together.

On Friends,
it was so satisfying.

They do on Cheers,
they do on Moonlighting.

Everybody do it!

Don't overthink it, writers.

Whoever you are.