30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 21 - The Return of Avery Jessup - full transcript

♪

[Gasp]

♪

I'm sorry, I bet your tongue
it's been a while.

I'm sorry I taste like
Korean cigarettes.

Tobacco's the only thing
with protein over there.

Their meat is just
def lated kickballs.

How are you feeling?

Ready to put this all
behind me.

I don't even want to think about
the things they made me do.

Earlier today,
America's credit rating



was downgraded
to triple fart-minus.

You poor thing,
over there all alone.

Ahoy there.

Oh, Jack,
this is Scott Scottsman.

[Loudly]
Scott Scottsman.

My ears are all plugged up
from the plane.

Am I talking too loud?

Scott was forced
to do sports

on American news Channel USA.

Avery Jessup with news.

Scott Scottsman
with sports.

And it's me,
Johnny Mountain,

with the weather on the one
and the traffic on the one.

You no ask how I do it.



It's a funny story, really.

I was working for KSCT,
our of Scottsdale.

They sent me to South Korea
to do a "where are they now?"

On the pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim.

Turns out he's still
living in America,

and I get kidnapped.
[Chuckles]

Uhhuh.

I had no idea there was
another hostage there.

A man.

Right. Well,
we should get home.

For American news Channel USA,
this is Avery Jessup.

And I'm Scott Scottsman...

Both: Reminding all of you
there is no weekend.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

30 ROCK
S06 Ep 21 - The Return of Avery Jessup

- Good morning.
- Oh, you're up early.

I'm putting together a knock
list for the work upstairs.

What do you think about
an intercom?

That way, if it's an office,
you can call down.

If it's a nursery, then
you can hear the baby.

Or the plant.
It's your body.

Right. Well, if I did
ever have a... plant with you

or whatever...
I mean, at my age,

we might have to get
an Asian plant

or accept an older plant
with some behavioral issues,

and we're a little afraid
of it...

Do you want an intercom, Liz?

Yes. Sure.
To hear the plant.

[Nervous laugh]

I'm sorry. It's just
the more we talk about this,

it's scary.

I mean, that plant's not coming
out of your butt, pal,

it's coming out of mine.

All right, well, look,
to do everything,

- it's gonna be around ten grand.
- Duck?

I'm gonna do as much
work as possible,

but I don't think it's safe for me to do
the wiring in an old building like this.

The walls are filled
with electrocuted mice.

Well, I could dip into
my 401K...

Is something I've heard
old people say in commercials.

Well, I could chip in.
If you take my prof its

from the hot dog truck
and add 'em to the $300

my aunt gave me for Christmas,
I'd have $200.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Let me think about it,
but I've got to get to work.

Oh, boy, I sound
just like my dad.

Which, I guess,
makes me Mrs. Lemon.

Seriously, though,
I gotta get to work.

Oh, I gotta get to yoga
and lunch with the girls.

Tracy, who sponsored
your wedding?

I don't know. There was
a lot of fanta there,

and the police, so maybe
they co-sponsored it?

Oh, that's right, you were
a nobody when you got married.

Only huge stars get
to have their wedding sponsored.

Ms. Maroney,
a wedding is a simple

and beautiful ceremony

where an old man
and a crying girl

get pushed into
the coupling shed.

No, if you don't have
a sponsor these days,

you're nobody.

My sponsor is
the Southern Tourism Bureau.

It's perfect 'cause
I'm sort of a down-home,

America's sweetheart type.

Leonardi, my hair psychic,
is always saying

how down to Earth I am.

Oh, I know the Southern
tourism bureau.

They pay me a yearly stipend
to stay in New York.

They're paying for me
and Paul to get married

on an old plantation.

Which is great 'cause our wedding
was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.

All I have to do is
shoot a commercial

and say,
"Dixie is calling, you all.

I reckon you should answer."

Are you sure
you're saying that right?

Of course I . I have
a natural Southern accent,

'cause I'm from
le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.

You know, a lot of people
lose their accents

once they leave home
and go off to the big city.

Before moving here, I done used
to talk-n-jaw like this, see?

And when I'm at work,
I use my white-people voice.

You should see how we talk
in the Bronx.

Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!

I'm sorry, sir, I have
no idea what you're saying.

I'm sure it's nothing
that I can't fix

with a little accent work.

I'm not gonna let it ruin
my dream wedding.

It's only a dream wedding?
Thank God!

I did not want to attend.

All set, Jack.

- Did Liddy go down?
- Eventually.

Understandably,
she's a little wary of me.

I heard her ask her bear
who the dye job is.

Oh, don't worry about it.
You're home now,

we're Jack and Avery,

and we are going to crush
this return to normalcy.

Absolutely.

It's gonna be like
I was never away.

Absolutely.
Frankly,

not too much has changed.

There is an iPod 3
and a Mitt Romney 4.

They worked all the bugs out.

He's not killing hobos
at night any more.

And tomorrow,
I am going to throw you

a Thanks-Christmas-Valen-Easter-Ween
of July party.

Genius. We'll celebrate all the
holidays I missed in one night.

We are gonna be
so normal so fast!

I've already started
my job search.

I'm making a new reel.

I actually did
some good work over there.

Scott and I co-reported
on the North Koreans

sweeping the Olympics.

- They did, right?
- Yes... Scott.

I'm so glad there was
someone there for you

during this, uh, ordeal.

Look, Jack, I know we can put
everything back the way it was.

There's just one thing
I need to say first.

I didn't wear
your nightgowns.

If they seem
stretched out,

it's because
you're remembering wrong.

No, Jack, what I want
to say is...

[Clears throat]

If anything happened
while I was gone

between you
and someone else...

It doesn't matter now.
Okay?

All is forgiven.

Okay, Jenna, I need
some relationship advice.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

I've been writing
a sex column for Cosmo.

Cosmo is
my 14-year-old neighbor.

He doesn't know anything.

No, it's not about sex.
It's about money.

[Chuckles]
Oh, Liz!

Sex, money, power, fire,

choking, being dragged
behind a speed boat...

It's all the same thing.

Look, you and I
are both in situations

where we're the breadwinner.

How do you and Paul
deal with that?

We love it.

Gender role-reversal
is such a turn-on.

Paul keeps the house nice,

and I try
to get him pregnant.

And the best part is,
if I want to treat myself

to a new pair
of Christy LaButtons,

I don't have to
ask any man for $17.

- I'm sorry, Christy who?
- LaButtons.

They're knockoff
Christian Louboutins.

I got tired of ruining
$1,200 shoes

trying to impregnate
my boyfriend.

You know something,
against all odds,

you have a point.

Feminism promised us
two things...

Fatter dolls, and an end
to traditional gender roles.

Why am I fighting this?

So what if I make
more money than Criss?

Exactly.
It doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother Oprah.

It sure doesn't seem
to bother Criss.

He's at yoga right now.

You wear the pants, Liz.

You don't necessarily
pull them off

because of your hips,
but you wear them.

So embrace it!

Lemon, Avery's missed
the past 12 months

of popular culture.

Could you put together
a presentation for tomorrow?

An hour, tops.

An hour for the year?

Am I supposed to just
scratch the surface

of channing Tatum's
meteoric rise?

Lemon, Avery did
something strange this morning.

[Gasps] They brainwashed her,
didn't they?

Avery said something
this morning...

Something shocking.

That no matter what happened
while she was gone,

"all is forgiven."

And that's bad?

It seems awfully nice
of her, considering.

Exactly. Awfully nice.

Does that sound like Avery
to you?

- Well, no.
- That woman does not forgive.

She's still furious
with Al Gore

for stealing George Bush's
idea to have an Internet.

And now she's forgiving me?
Why?

Because she wants to change
the conversation

because she's done something
she doesn't want to talk about.

And what do people
not want to talk about?

Soccer, jazz, infidelity.

Okay, first of all,

I don't know what you
count as cheating,

but she was forced
to marry someone else.

Kim Jong-Un, Lemon.

Have you seen news footage
of that man?

I have so many missile!

I even have
nuclear missile.

Just for you,
sugarprong.

There was another
American there, Lemon.

A man. It raises
some red flags.

Oh, my God.
Who are you to talk?

You French-Canadian kissed
her mother,

which is my name
for French kissing

when it bums
everybody else out.

Yes. Brilliant.
I'll use my indiscretion

to guilt her into
revealing hers.

The game is afoot!

No. She's been back
for, like six hours.

Maybe take a little time,

let things get back
to normal.

Playing psycho-sexual
mind games is our normal, Lemon.

This is perfect.
Everything's perfect.

Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.

Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.

- Again!
- Dadgum possum up and what been

my mom's neck brace.

Again, you waste
of my time!

Dadgum possum up'n what bit
my mama's neck brace!

There it is.
Again!

Excellent.
Again!

Dixie's callin', y'all.
I reckon you should answer.

No, this isn't right.

This isn't Southern elegance.

This is a dirtbag girl
I once knew.

A girl named Jay-nuh!

She used to get into
fistfights at water parks,

and lost her virginity to a bait
salesman on a water bed.

She's not who I am any more.
I'm classy.

People who say that
about themselves usually are.

This whole Southern thing
is wrong.

I need to find
a new wedding sponsor

that's as classy
as I am.

I'm not this person,
'cause I done got rid of her!

Kim Jong-Il could not
be reached for comment

because he was having
a totally normal day

being alive and not dead.

And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.

Thanks, Avery.
In NBA action,

Kim Jong-Un won
the championship today.

Our brilliant comrade
scored 200 points

and then went hot-tubbing
with a couple guys

he's definitely
just friends with.

[Pause button hit]

- Hey.
- Hi.

Look, I've been thinking
about what you said earlier

about forgiveness...
It was beautiful.

But I would feel very guilty
if I kept anything from you,

as I know you would if you
kept something from me.

So while you were away,

I did have feelings
for another woman.

Thank you.

I forgive you.

You lose, Jack...

Is what Kim Jong-Il said
to Jack Nicklaus

after def eating him
in golf today

because they're both
totally alive.

Wow, you went out
and bought a Fedora.

Oh, this? I finally watched
the premiere

of Prime suspect on Hulu.
It's really very good.

Anyway, I thought
I would treat myself.

But don't worry, I'm gonna
take care of you too.

Wow. Okay, but look,

I still want to chip in
on this renovation.

And clean out
your life savings?

Why don't you take
that $200

and buy yourself
something cute?

Here's a hint.
[Whispers] I like zippers.

I'm a man.
I'm a man, I'm a man!

I'm an adult man!

You think I like you having
to pay for everything?

It's humiliating.

But gender roles,
fat dolls...

You think I like having
to earn crisspoints

so that I can take you on dates
that you actually pay for?

I thought you liked
the crisspoints system.

Only because liking
the crisspoints system

is one of the ways
I earn crisspoints!

Okay, I'm sorry that I
offended your male pride,

but you're the one who chose
to sell hot dogs out of a car.

It is a van
with a car engine, Liz, okay?

Now, look, if your show
gets canceled, okay,

or NBC just becomes
a web site

that sells
used office supplies,

I'd like to know that
I can take care of you.

And now we're talking
about having a plant?

It's stressing me out!

Oh, really?
It's stressing you out?

Of course, because you're
the person

who has to krang that plant
for nine months,

poop it, and then go back
to work to support both of you!

Uhhuh.
So what you're saying is

you need somebody different
to do this with.

Somebody with money
that's probably named Spencer

or Grant.

And he has a watch,
and an office with a trash can

and a little basketball hoop
on it.

And he plays as hard
as he works because, damn it,

he deserves to blow off
a little steam.

God, I don't wanna be
with Spencer!

And yet you're silent
about Grant.

Well, guess what...
I'm gonna become Grant.

That's right, tomorrow
I'm gonna take my truck out,

and I'm gonna start
pulling my weight, like a man.

Now, get in that bed,
and let's watch Dance moms.

Hey, girl.

Are you crying because
there are no roles

for actresses in their 40s,
nor should there be?

I thought I found a classy
new sponsor for my wedding,

but then something happened.

[From English accent
to Southern accent]

Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...

[Clears throat]
I'm sorry.

Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...

- Cut!
- They fired me.

We did 50 takes,
and I couldn't do it.

50? That's nothing.
I once did 100 takes

and still couldn't say
the word "incorrigible."

Great, now I get it!

Siri, bring Jessica Tandy
back to life.

I thought that girl
from toilet swamp cove

was dead and buried,

but she's always been there
inside me,

and now she's taking over.

I want to throw a natty light
at a cop car!

I have someone
inside me too.

It's a bath toy
of a scuba diver.

I need to take a walk
and clear my head

[cell phone chimes]
Tracy...

Jessica Tandy's zombie
is coming to find you.

Is that correct?

Yes, siri.
Thank you, baby.

So, Lemon, I took your advice

and used my transgression with Diana,

as a weapon
to interrogate Avery,

just as you suggested.

That is not
what I suggested.

You just hear
what you want to hear.

Oh, thank you.
They're from Italy.

I just gave Avery
a little taste.

Said I was attracted
to another woman.

Guess what she told me.

Nothing.
She just forgave me.

Believe me,
I didn't expect her

to come out of her
forgiveness bunker so easily,

but I really need
to up the ante.

Drop a grenade
in that bunker,

like Jim Brown
in The Dirty Dozen.

[Clicks tongue]
Enjoy your party, Nazis!

[Imitates explosion]

Are you talking about
your wife?

God, she's good.

This kind of gamesmanship
is why I love her.

She has the brain of a man, and
the ass of a French teenager.

But I will win.

I don't know, Jack,
it's 2012.

It's not always clear who wears
the pants in the family.

I do, Lemon.
I wear the pants.

- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.

Nice pants, Avery.

And, Liz, good to see you.

Oh, you're hair's the same.

It's not. Actually,
something terrible happened.

I don't have
a lot of time.

I have my year-in-finance
presentation after this,

and Lloyd Blankfein slithers
back into the sewers

to eat rotten fish
at 6:00, so...

[Rapping]
♪Deathly hallows and tebow ♪

♪ Oprah does her last show ♪

♪ Beyonce had a baby, yo ♪

♪ it's a 12-month wrap-up,
rap-rap-rap-up ♪

You know what, I'll just
read some US weeklies.

- Thank you, Lemon.
- But it's an hour long,

- like you wanted.
- Thank you.

Fine.
[Mutters indistinctly]

I'm gonna head down
to Goldman early.

Avery, I should
tell you something.

I wasn't completely honest

when I was being
completely honest earlier.

Let me stop you right there.

I forgave you so that we
wouldn't have to discuss this.

Let me stop you right there
from stopping me right there.

I know why you forgave me.

But the woman I mentioned,
we kissed.

And I know I would hate it
if you kept something

like that from me, so...

So... I forgive you.

And no matter what you say,

I am always going to
forgive you.

Always.

Aha! What do you think?
Pretty awesome, huh?

It's a brand new
location, Liz.

I got a subway entrance
right here,

and I got a tour bus stop
right there.

Also, FOX News is
right across the street,

and word is Greta Van Susteren
eats hot dogs like slimer.

Yeah, who's usually here?

Oh, right, those creepy,
off-brand

sesame street characters
that harass tourists

into paying them
to take pictures with them.

I hate those guys.

As a sesame street purist,

I don't think Elmo usually
tells passing women

- the they have a sweet dumper.
- Move it !

- This is our corner, pal!
- You don't own this corner.

And I got a family
to support, like a man.

- [Gasps]
- Oh!

- Don't hit my cheekbones!
- Hey, stop it!

Get off him, Elmo!

Legally, I have to say
I'm Elmarg!

[Hick accent]
Oh, them puppets done picked

the wrong day to cross
my kin!

It's on,
panhandle style!

Well, it's over.

I'm never gonna get
a wedding sponsor now.

That dirtbag Jay-nuh won.

I wanted my wedding to be
an expression of who I am,

and now it will be.

I'm a panhandle hick,

and my wedding will be
just another panel

on my mother's family history
back tattoo.

Oh, come on,
it's not all that bad.

Look at that caption.

"Aging star Jenna Maroney,
beats up Elmo with her..."

So you own things.
That's good.

"Christian..."
That's always a good word.

Wait, did they say
"Christian" about my shoes?

"With her
Christian Louboutins."

They didn't know that my shoes
were cheap knockoffs.

They thought they were fancy,

even though
they're secretly crap.

That's it.
That's who I am!

I'm that knockoff
designer shoe.

My outside is
shiny and pretty,

but my inside is filled
with cardboard and horse glue.

I've solved
my identity crisis!

More importantly, I know
who can sponsor my wedding!

[Laughter, chatter]

No, I think it's a very
cool costume, mayor Bloomberg.

Tonight,
I'm mayor Booo-mberg.

Yes, I think
you've mentioned that.

Booo... booo...

Scott.

Happy birthdaversary,
honey.

Oh, Jack, this homecoming's
been amazing.

Nice to see you relaxing
and enjoying yourself,

and totally unprepared
for a forgiveness attack.

- What?
- Avery...

What?

The woman I kissed
is your mother.

[Gasps]

That is... shocking.

But I told you
all is forgiven,

so... all is forgiven.

What do I have to say
to guilt the truth out of you?

How about this?
A few months ago,

Liddy broke into
the gun safe

and shot up
your gift-wrapping room.

I did wear your nightgowns.

Not to feel you near,
they're just comfortable.

I had an erotic dream about
an adult Dora the explorer.

I took her on a balcony
in Madrid,

above the Plaza Mayor.

She had flowers
in her hair.

Now I've admitted everything.

Game over, Avery.
Tell me what you did.

I'll tell you exactly
what I did, Jack.

- I won.
- You what?

I got you to tell me
everything you did.

And guess what...
I didn't do anything.

- But Scott Scottsman...
- Until the flight home,

the only words I'd ever said
to Scott Scottsman were,

"and now with sports,
Scott Scottsman."

I thought I was playing you,

and you were playing me
the whole time.

And in 24 hours,
I got you to tell me things

it would have taken you years
to admit.

Now we can start over.

The final piece of the puzzle
is just me forgiving you

for, um...
Kissing my mother!

We did it.
Everything's normal.

- USA!
- It's classic us.

Damn it, Jessup,
I'd marry you all over again!

That's what we're gonna do.
We've gonna renew our vows.

- We need a new blender anyway.
- Oh, baby.

Oh!

Sorry I'm late.

Criss got into a fight with an Elmo.

And he hates it that
I make more money than he does.

And I don't know, maybe we're not
supposed to have a plant together.

- Love is complicated, right?
- Wrong.

- We kicked love's ass!
- Yes!

We're renewing our vows.

No, no, renewing vows
is a kiss of death.

You should have let me
finish my rap.

There was a whole verse
about it!

♪ J-Lo and Marc Anthony ♪

♪ Donn and Vicki from O. C. ♪

♪ 12-month wrap-up,
rap-rap-rap-up ♪

Lemon.

It's the kiss of death, yo!

I reject Chris Brown's comeback!
Lemon out!

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