30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 20 - Queen of Jordan 2: The Mystery of the Phantom Pooper - full transcript

"Queen of Jordan" takes over "TGS". Sherri Shepherd and Mary Steenburgen guest star.

Previously on "Queen of Jordan".

Randi, now that Barbara's dead,
I need a nanny.

That's perfect!

All my children
were taken away.

Can you believe that
D'Fwan is telling you

that Angie is starting
her own clothing line?

Why don't you control your dog?

He controls me!

Hello, Angie...

I mean, hello, whoever it is
going to be.

Hi, Jack, it's Angie.

I wanted to remind you we
have a meeting

today about my fashion line.

Looking forward to it.

We can do a lot of

between our shows
and your clothing brand,

uh, Cheek.

It's pronounced "chic".

It's French.

Now that I'm a fashion designer,

I'm an octuple threat...

Reality star, actress,

perfumist, IBS survivor,
best-selling author

of a book I didn't write,
catchphrase coiner.

"I'll take that with cheese."

Well they don't all work.

Cheek is stretchable
formal wear

for elegant plus-sized
women and huskier gays.

Tonight is the big fashion show
for cheek's summer line.

I find that my target customer
sweats a lot

and often gets thrown
into a public pool.

Now this show is the...

Angie, I'm sorry, but I
have to take this other call.

No, you don't...


This is Jack Donaghy.

This is Sam Lockwood
with the State Department.

I'm stunned.

The CIA captured
a North Korean spy.

So we were able to arrange
a prisoner swap next week.

In exchange for my wife,
they get their spy back,

They just got Nash Bridges.

Obviously, this is
a very personal matter,

so I would appreciate it
if your guys at Bravo...

Excuse me, "gays" at Bravo...

Handle this
with the same delicacy

with which you handled

D'Fwan's boyfriend's
pregnancy scare.

It's my way till pay day.

Where is he?

Jack Donaghy is late
for our meeting.

Not to be racist, but white
guys are typically punctual.

I'm sorry I got so real,

but nothing's gonna change
unless there's a dialogue.

I've never been so
disrespected in my life.

And I've gone to
and worked at the post office.

Mrs. Jordan, Mr. Donaghy
sends his apologies,

but he is unable to
attend your meeting.

I'm here as his representative.

Oh, no.

That man is about to get some
cheese with that.

That catchphrase
is improving, baby!

You don't give me notes!

Hey, girlfriend.

Looks like you need
a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend.

Her name is
Raven-Symone Senior.

I'm really close
to the whole Q of cast.

So I know they're gonna pull me
into all of their drama

and I'm gonna be
on the show a lot.

I will be on the show a lot.

- Where's Jack?
- Boob monster!

I'm supposed to have a meeting

with Jack Donaghy.

Do you not know where
your own husband is?

I know they're not married.

I just like them to know

I don't give a
about their lives.

Jack's probably busy, Angie.

His wife was kidnapped,
but now she's coming back,

and all these cameras
are around,

so they've been following
him everywhere.


I see what's happening.

Jacks' not just blowing me off.

He's trying to ruin
my big night.

No, Angie, what's happening
with him is cra...

No, what's happening
is the cheek fashion show.

That's what people
wanna know about.

And Tracy's planning a huge
surprise for me at the end.

Really? What is it?

I don't know, Liz.
It's a surprise.

Do you know what a surprise is?

Now you do.

You didn't have a drink.


Don't learn to talk.

A woman's power comes
from her silence.

- You're Liz, right?
- Hey, Randi.

Great episode last week.

I thought it was very
brave of you to pose

for Playboy against
Playboy's wishes.

I need a date to Angie's
fashion show

and Tracy tells me that you're,
you know, the village bicycle.

What? No.
Why would he say that?

Doctor guy, pilot guy,
Cleveland dude,

British guy, rich dude,
James Franco.

I've been with the same woman
for 22 years.

No judgments, but to me,
Liz Lemon is a sex maniac.

Well, a lady never goes
anywhere without a date.

- Can someone watch Virginia?
- I can't.

Contractually, I can only
hold beautiful black babies

in benetton ads.

And I don't know if I should.

'Cause I'm might bite
these fat little legs.

I might eat them up,
they're so fat and juicy.

No, Sam, the military
brings her back.

Don't even let Clinton
know about this.

He and Steve Bing will break out
their sex plane.

It is a sex plane.

There aren't even any seats.

It's just futons and jacuzzis.

I've gotta run, Sam.

Jack I...
God, what is this?

Oh, it's just one of our shows.

They're following me today.

Ugh, is this one of those
ridiculous reality shows

like Ken Burns's jazz?

I'm sorry, Diana.
Ignore them.

Eventually, you won't
even know they're here.

I'm just a little
overwhelmed right now.

I could use a drink.

I'm afraid that while
we're on camera,

I can only offer you D'Fwan's
boutique wine, "d'fwine".


Please d'fwink responsibly.

To Avery's return.

I'm a part of this as well.

I played Avery in the TV movie,
Kidnapped by danger.

Jenna, this is for family only.

Now you sound like the cops
outside of Jackie O's funeral.

But I got in there

and sang almost all
of Hey big spender.

- ♪ The m...
- Jenna, this is inappropriate.

I suggest you go back to

whatever Florida bathroom
you crawled out of.

I can see I'm not wanted here.

But thank you for looking up
on Wikipedia

that I was conceived
on a toilet.

No one wants me in their story.

If a beautiful woman cries
and no one hears it,

did she waste $700
on crying lessons

at Adrian Brody's unaccredited
acting school?

Jack, when Avery does get back,

I don't think we should
tell her about us.


I want to make sure
we all we're very clear

about what my mother in law
said in my office.

She said we shouldn't
tell Avery about Gus.

Gus is someone I've gone
into business with

and Avery wouldn't
approve of him.

Why would she disapprove?

Uh, well, uh, because
they dated... at Yale.

Gus was a Professor.

Of course you'll meet him.

We do business all the time.

Tracy, I know you're planning

a big romantic surprise for me

at the end of the fashion show.

But Jack Donaghy is messing
with my special day.

So whatever you were thinking
about doing, double it.

Call Mo'nique.

Do a dove release.

Parachute in and propose to me
all over again, you hear?

Angie, I wasn't even gonna
go to your fashion show.

It's at 8:00,

which is 9:00 am Tokyo time.

That's when Takashi's parents
leave for work

and we play
mass effect 3 online.

Mr. and Mrs. Tanaka
think he's at school,

but he's playing video games
with a drunk adult.

Now I know
you're just saying that

because you don't want to
ruin the surprise

'cause you're a good husband.

Oh, my God.

Ned Stark is dead?

I love my wife.

I want her to be happy.

But more than that,
I'm gonna do nothing.

It's hard trying
to have it all.

You wait here, Bernardo.

She bit my.


My glasses.

It's work. It's work.

But she is at such a fun age.

You get so much out of it.

It's fine, I'm fine.

If everything goes
according to plan,

Avery will be back
in a few days.

In the meantime I have
a lot of work to do...

With Gus, my business partner,

whom Diana mentioned earlier.

Gus, there's Gus.

Why are you wearing the hat

I asked you not to wear
any more to our meetings?

We're higher up here,

so the sun's electricity
is stronger.

Well, uh, let's go over
the numbers, Gus.

As you can see,
the numbers look pretty good.

We're under budget and
in line with projections.

Great, well, uh, meeting over.

You probably shouldn't have even
filmed that, it was so boring.

Oh, Diana, you remember Gus,
whom you said we shouldn't tell

Avery about because
she used to date him.

She was nasty.

She loved pee.

- Thank you, Gus.
- No, Jack.

I didn't say Gus.

I already explained
to them what I said.

I said I did not want Avery
to know about Rus.

In slavic myth, Rus is
the founder of Russia.

Why can't Avery know about

the mythological founder
of Russia?

Because Jack has invested a lot
of money in a restaurant

I'm opening called "Rus".

It is Russian cuisine.

Who doesn't love
cold, purple soup?

Diana, we're talking
about the same thing,

because, as you know,

the restaurant Rus
is the business venture

I'm engaged in with Gus.

Right, he is the chef.

As I mentioned earlier,
he's a Professor at Yale.

Which is funny,

because he looks so much
more like a chef.

Oh, what's funniest...
Is that's he's both.

And now he works
at the restaurant

we can't tell Avery about.

And the grand opening
is tonight.

Now he's opening up
a restaurant

the same night
my line launches?

Oh, that is a bridge too far.

That's right.

I read World War II history,

Well, nobody's going to care
about his restaurant

when there's a fashion show
going on in the middle of it.

And a big surprise
from my husband.

Eliza Beth.

This is very, very easy for me

to say to you, but you can't
come in here right now.

Wha... l just wanna
drop off this

little crinkly book
that I got for Virginia.

I can't let you in.

After what happened
betwixt you this morning?

No, Virginia is not having you.

What are you talking about?

I might bite these
fat little legs.

They're so fat and juicy.


Whit was a compliment.

That's a thing people
say to babies.

You never talk about
a black woman's leg size.

Not on babies, not on
the Williams sisters,

not on a mannequin at Avenue.

We have come too far.

Now you know me, girl.

I don't, really.

I stay above these feuds.

Did I get involved
when Portia took

the over-the-counter colon
health test in the bathroom

at Randi's domestic violence
costume ball?

I did, but I didn't want to.

Can I be honest?

I think I'm just anxious

for Virginia to love me because
I've been thinking

about motherhood lately.

I have a serious biend
right now and...

Lisa, D'Fwan doesn't talk
about people behind their backs,

so I'm just gonna tell
you straight to your face

that what you're saying
right now is very boring.

All I know is
I'm gonna stay out

of this fight between
you and Virginia.

That baby is a piece of work.

You know she should be
able to stack blocks

in a tower by now,
but she won't do it.

I thought you didn't talk
about people behind their backs.


Go away.


Down. Down.

Boom, right there.

God, these flower arrangements.

You people are savages!

Just excited.

Wait, you're putting
spoons in those.

It's just knives and forks.

Why am I even doing this?

I still have to get the menus
from the printer,

go to the cony island
beet market.

I've gotta pick up
Yakov Smirnov at the airport.

That's enough foil, Gus.

Jack, it's been a year
that we prayed

for this... restaurant opening,

and I should just feel
excited and relieved, but...

It's complicated.

When you open a restaurant
with your mother in law.

Hey, everyone knows you're not
talking about the restaurant.

You're talking
about electricity.

Thank you, Gus.

There's the gang!


It's aunt Jenna.


I heard what Liz
said about you,

and I just have to say

that I have known Liz
a long, long, long time

and she's totally shady.

Oh, my God!
You are hilarious.

Do you act?

Because we should
do a movie together

where we're on a road trip
just being sluts.

High five.

No, I don't care
that the others went to

Pierre Batalini salon
without me.

It's not a feud, I just...

I've never spent much time
with babies, okay?

And... what if I'm bad at it?

This is good TV.

I would watch this.

I would feel for Liz.

Isn't this usually a bathroom?

No, Tray, it's usually
Lutz's office.

I see.

I think I just solved the
mystery of the phantom peeper.

What's wrong, L.L.?

You look like Angie when
I tell her I wanna retire

and live in an old lighthouse.

It's just D'Fwan and everybody

are saying that I'm
in a fight with Virginia,

which is idiotic,
because she's a baby.

Maybe it's just that children
in general don't like you.

Thank you, Tracy.

I am dealing
with something real here,

but all anyone wants to do
on these dumb shows

is fight and scream
and throw things.

I wouldn't know.
I really don't watch TV.

I'm more of a masturbator.

Well I'm about to get
original on you, Tracy.

There is no such thing as
reality on reality television.

You're happy now America?



Welcome to Rus.

This evening, we're serving
all the Pierogis Costco had

and then burger king.

That's a sharp look, Kenneth.

Thank you, sir, but I can't
take all the credit.

Everything I know about
fashion, I learned

from my old college roommate,
John Mark Karr.

Right this way.

Oh, for God's sake.

You've got a lot of nerve
coming here.

You know this is
Virginia's night.

You have no class,

you prostitution whore.

What are you talking about?

I'm hitching my wagon
to Virginia's star.

Trying to get
a little camera tiempo.

Jenna, you've had cameras
following you around all day.

You're a star now.

They want you on the show.

They want me.

Which means
I'm too good for this crap.

Like when I sang at that
children's hospital.

Get away from me,
I'm revoking my waiver.

Now blur my face.

Blur it more.


Now disguise my voice.

Thank you, gays.


Excuse me, do you know where
the indoor outhouse is?

Is my fashion show ruining
Jack's party?

Oh, don't worry.

Nobody's even noticing it.

There's so much other
stuff going on.

And it's not just Mr. Donaghy
and this oriental matter.

There's the feud between Ms.
Lemon and baby Virginia,

the drama between me and that
cord I tripped on.

Hey, watch it.

I'm sorry, sir.

I shouldn't have
lost my temper.

My damn husband better show up.


Deandra "I didn't know
I was pregnant"-ed.

Who's gonna wear this now?

Ah, size 12, that's what I am.

Oh, I was
my grandmother's favorite

so I got all her old

What a rush!

You were horrible.

That's the last dress.

Tracy didn't even do anything.

He didn't even show up.

I'm gonna kill that man.

What's cocaine like?

- What was that?
- Damn, you two.

Avery's coming back
from North Korea.

Portia reads the papers.

I hate that
that's my catchphrase.

What was that?

That was nothing.

I mean Jack's like that
with everybody.

He's a kisser.

Right, Jack?

Uh, of course.

Uh, it's European.

If you don't kiss someone,
they're offended.

Very good,
nice seeing you, Lemon.

Jack, D'Fwan hasn't
said "hi" yet.

Honey, what was that?

Okay, Liz, I don't know
what she's talking about.

But Virginia said she knows
what you just did for Jack.

She misjudged you,
and she would like a hug.

The feud's over.

It's all good.

Now I'm just looking
forward to this trip.

Because Virginia loves her
little giraffe so much,

the show is sending us on
a girls' getaway to Somalia!

Whoop whoop!

I hope you're at peace
with your God, Tracy Jordan.

Because you are about
to meet your maker.

Honey, you seem upset.

I spent the last 20 years
supporting you.

I had three of your children.

I gave you a kidney,
a kneecap and a bladder.

But I ask you to do one thing
and you can't do it.

All I wanted was a standing
ovation and for people to tweet

that I was the new icon
for black womanhood

and then for me to tweet
"why just black womanhood?"

Instead, I got nothing.

I might as well be Daphne.


I'm Daphne.

I handle conflict

and I'm up to date on
my mortgage payments.

Oh, no, I turned what was
supposed to be

a boring romantic evening
into a gigantic fight

in front of all these cameras.


How inconsiderate of you to
cause all this drama

and start this riveting fight.

Our celebrity marriage
is on a breakup collapse.

We're a train wreck you cannot
look away from!

I can't stand the sight of you.

My love tank is empty!


Lizard egg!

I want a divorce or whatever.

It will be contentious

and last
all through next season.

I'm cheating on you!


Next week on Queen of Jordan...


I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd pop up
and say hello.

For God sakes, D'Fwan,
I'm working.

Fine. Come here.

You again?

I am so sorry.
Different cord.

You were two hours late,
you stole all my hangers

and, yeah, I'm drunk.

I'm on vacation.