30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 9 - Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish - full transcript

Jack recommends that Liz start seeing a therapist when she worries that Carol is getting bored with their relationship. In an attempt to take Jack's advice, Liz begins talking to Kenneth about her problems. Jack also finds himself caught up in one of Tracy's schemes when Tracy tries to convince him to invest in his son's theme restaurant in Times Square. Meanwhile, Jenna and Paul celebrate their six month anniversary.

Hey, what was that sound?

It was opportunity knocking.

No one knocked.
You just barged in.

Knock, knock!

You were right, Donald. It makes
more sense for you to enter first.

It's okay, Daddy.
We'll just start over.

You know, why don't we just
dive in to whatever this is?

Okay. You remember Donald, my son
who's two years older than me.

Ah, yes. Please.

As I recall, you own the Tracy Jordan
Institute for Black Karate.

You wouldn't believe this,
but that business failed.

I blame Obama.

But the good news is Donald has
a brand-new venture.

Sell him, son!

It's a theme restaurant
in Times Square!

Well, the theme-restaurant
business model does work.

NASCAR's Fat Load Caf?
is a gold mine.

Well, we got a bunch of capital
from Brown and Folderson,

and we wanted to get you a seat on
this rocket before it takes off.

So it's decided.
Jack's on board as an investor.

Not so fast.

So... it's... deci...

Let's just bottom-line this thing.

I never invest
without doing my research.

I'll do a site visit tonight
and kick the tires.

All right, but if some other
investor comes along, it's your loss.

A Mexican billionaire is calling me
right now. Excuse me.

Se?or Mexico, hola.

S?, s?.
Yo soy Donald, s?.

? Ándale, ?ndale?

? Arriba, arriba?

What is Se?or Mexico saying?
Stop keeping me out of the loop!

Hey, Jenna, I need to go over...

What is it, Liz?
We're busy.

Jenna and I are mirroring until we
achieve touchless orgasm.

And... finished.

Well, I have to go to work.

My new manager
is making us wear name tags.

I might as well be working at
a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant

under Taliban rule!

But after your shift, we still have
our special night, right?

and I think Paul's gonna
pop the question!

That's a little fast, isn't it?

And I will say yes
when Paul proposes...

that we make a sex tape
and leak it on the Internet.

I thought you meant marriage.

God, no!
Marriage is like death.

You settle into a routine,
you lose all the spark.

I don't know.

I always thought the whole point of
being with someone for a long time

is to get to
the comfortable-routine part.

No, relationships
are like sharks, Liz.

If you're not left with several bite
marks after intercourse,

then something's wrong.

Well, nothing's wrong
with me and Carol.

I mean, we haven't spoken in five
days, but that doesn't mean anything.

Because we are not sharks.

We are legless turtles
rotting on the beach.

Jack, what makes a guy
get bored in a dating situation?

That's an excellent question.
The answer is questions like that.

Look, this long distance is hard.

And now Carol and I haven't talked
in like five days.

And my other stuff
is still unresolved.

I get it, Lemon.

You need to see a therapist,

someone you can dump
your problems on,

and then get on with your, uh...

I'm trying.
I just can't find someone I like.

I mean, have you
ever been to a shrink?

No. I believe that,
when you have a problem,

you talk it over with your priest

or your tailor or the mute elevator
porter at your men's club.

Then you take that problem
and crush it with your mind vise.

But for lesser beings,

like curly-haired men and people
who need glasses, therapy can help.

And, Lemon, I want you to get better.

Because, and I mean this,

I'm tired of talking this much
to a woman I'm not having sex with.

Hey, Jack!
Welcome to Staples!

Why did you choose that name?

Because "staples"
means "the basics."

And that's what you're getting here.

Food, drinks, fun.

Yeah, we got that.

Staples is also
a giant office-supply chain.

Well, we'll see who's still in
business 200 years from now.

Donald, I'm going to pick a problem
at random.

Is the theme of your restaurant
Not Enough Tables?

No, we just need a lot of room
for the monster fight.

Excuse me?

Jack, are you familiar with
the mega-restaurant Medieval Times?

Well, I took that model
and replaced the knights

with unlicensed versions
of Japanese monsters.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there's been
a underwater nuclear explosion!

A beast has been awakened!

It approacheth with fearsome steps!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Are we paying the price
for our hubris of science?

Witness the primeval
might that is Godzila,

with one "L" for trademark reasons!

Oh! No one is safe!

Who all's going to protect us?

It's Mechagodzila!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Thank you for choosing Staples!

Donald, George punched my crotch!

You liked it!

Oh, my God.

Captain Burnett called earlier,
Miss Lemon.

Finally! Not that it matters.
We're turtles.

He says he doesn't have
cell-phone service

'cause he's on layover
in Daytona Beach.

But don't worry, he's fine and having
a great time with his flight crew,

Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal.

Also, in the background,

I heard lady giggles
and the sound of a beautiful sunset.

See? This is why I need to find
someone to talk to.

Talk to about what?

Men. Trust.

I mean, I just feel like sometimes
men aren't totally honest with me.

Go on.

Well, for starters,

everyone I ever dated in high school
turned out to be either gay

or a girl dressed as a guy
to get a journalism scholarship.

My own dad tried to secretly
cheat on my mom,

and I thought their marriage
was perfect.

And, of course, there's Santa Claus.

Talk about that.

When I was seven,
I asked for a CB radio for Christmas

so I could track gas prices around the
state for a cool chart I was making.

We'll get back to that later.

When I didn't get it,
my dad blamed Santa Claus.

Well, Santa made an enemy that day.

And the next year, when he returned
to the Schuylkill Galleria,

so did vengeance.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

What can Santa bring you this year?

What does it matter?

You didn't bring me what I asked for
last year, you fat fraud!

You're a bigger disappointment

than our current
president, Jimmy Carter!

I am a fraud, little boy!

My wife still thinks
I work at the bank!

I guess Santa Claus
was the first man to ever betray me.

That must have been difficult.

It was.

But it feels good to talk about it.

Miss Lemon, there's a reason God
gave us two ears and only one mouth.

Listening is twice
as important as talking.

But He gave us ten fingers.

He must really want us to poke things!

Poke, poke, poke!

It's the vacant lot
where we had our first face kiss!

Who stole my canteen?

Jenna, what we have
is so beautiful.

People need to see how happy
we make each other.

And I think we're ready
to take that step.

So over Christmas,

I want you to come to Ohio
and meet my parents.


Happy anniversary.

Hey, get a room...
whatever that is!

Well, Tracy, I went to the restaurant
last night.

That place is a disaster.

Damn it, you think I don't know that?

I've poured more cash
into Donald's restaurant

than my money pit
in Connecticut!

You have a house in Connecticut?

No, I do not!

Jack, I need other investors
besides me.

What? You're the only
one bankrolling this?

What about Brown and Folderson?

That's what I call my wallet!

I've bankrolled every one
of Donald's dumb ideas.

But what choice do I have?
I'm his father.

But you're doing him no favors,
as a business partner or a father.

You need to cut him off.

Come on.

The boy's only 43 years old.

Tracy, listen to me. Not everyone is
cut out to be a businessman.

For example, curly-haired men
and people who need glasses.

But I can't crush his dreams.

You're not. You're just letting him
fly with his own wings.

And I bankrolled that, too! Thank God
we tested it with a monkey first!

Miss Lemon, I'm signing people up
for the 'TGS' softball team.

So far, I have 8 "nos"

and 25 "shove it up your goon-holes."

Shove it up your goon-hole.

You know, ever since
we had our little talk yesterday,

I've been doing some thinking.


If I remember correctly, we were
discussing men and trust.

Yeah, and it got me thinking
about my Aunt Linda.

What was she like?

Great, until she got divorced.

My Uncle Harry was cheating on her.

Another male betrayal.

Go with that.

My parents used to make
me go to Linda's house

just so she'd have company.

I hated those visits.

Your uncle never liked my cooking.

But you do, right, Elizabeth?
You love your Aunt Linda!

Here's a fun game!

Put on Harry's cologne and
give me a back rub in the bath!

To this day, whenever I hear
someone's getting divorced,

I can still taste that egg, and I...

Oh, my God. My trust issues
and my food issues are connected!

Uncle Harold is the reason
eggs make me gag!

you're the perfect therapist.

I can dump all of my problems
on you, walk away,

and move on with my life!

It's a win-win!

Why did she have to say "Harold"?


last night was a disaster,

and not the good kind
where I get to sing at a benefit.

What happened?

Paul's idea of moving things
forward is me meeting his parents!

He said they live in a "soo-borb"?

Come on, Jenna.

It's not what you wanted,
but it's progress.

In the wrong direction!

I think I know what's really going on
between you and Paul.

You're in love,
and it's terrifying to you.

You're trying to sabotage it.


I'm the one trying
to make this relationship work,

which is why I'm gonna have
to be the one to propose the sex tape.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I think that's the man's job.

I found a therapist,

and I've made
some big breakthroughs.

I know you don't know what this
means, but I'm eating eggs again!

I know it means this
conversation is disgusting.

Okay, Donald is on his way up.

I know cutting him off is hard,
but it's your duty as a parent...

Tracy, do not laugh
at the word "duty."

Be strong. Be rational.
No emotion.

Got it.

Daddy, what's going on?

I just love you so much!

I love you, too, Daddy!

Okay, stop it.

Donald, what Tracy is trying
to tell you

is that you're an adult

and he will no longer
support you financially.

Is that true, Daddy?

For the love of God,
stop calling him "Daddy."

It is true, little man.

But I need you to be a big boy
on this.

You're just not meant
to be a businessman.

Fine. I'll be okay.

I've got other ideas,

like a microbrewery
that also serves frozen yogurt.

I'm gonna call it Microsoft.

I have this recurring dream...

Actually, is it recurring
if you wake yourself up with a...

...and then return to it?

Anyway, in the dream, I'm a baby,

and my parents left me
on top of the car by accident,

and we're being chased...

I think has to do
with my issues with sex.

Lemon, what are you doing?

Is Kenneth your therapist?

Well, kind of.

He can't handle that!

Look at his head shape.

He has no brain pan!

It's fine, Mr. Donaghy.
I'm okay.

And so am I!
I'm Cheryl.

This is exactly why I told you
to see a professional.

You dump your problems on some
half-baked Barney Fife,

and you can start a chain reaction
of mental anguish.

Look what you've done to him!

But he's such a good listener,
and he takes my insurance!

I'm going to help you.
Lie down.

Put your mental burden
in my mind vise, and I will crush it.

Kenneth, who is Harold?

He... was a role model of mine
growing up.

Please let Harold be human.

Harold was a pig.

You see, my father passed
when I was just a young boy.

After that, I was alone a lot
and awful sad.

But that pig saved me.

In some ways, Harold was the only
thing I had that was like a father.

You had a void to fill.

Then one day, my mama told me
we had to sell him.

I knew what that meant.

Harold was off to the slaughterhouse.

I know it's difficult...

I'm not done, sir.
It gets worse.

With Harold gone, there was nothing
keeping me at home.

It was time for me to move
to New York and follow my dreams.

But I needed $300 for the river
ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket.

And that's when I saw the sign.

I knew I could win that contest.

Why, I once ate an entire witch.
A pig was nothing!

And then... they brought me mine.

I would have recognized
those eyes anywhere.

Kenneth, no.

It was Harold,
and I ate all of him...

even the face,
in case of a tie.

Good God.

I ate him, sir!
I ate my father-pig!


Or you gave his death meaning.

His sacrifice made you
what you are today,

which is...

the lowest-level employee
at the last-place network in America.

I guess that is true.

Thank you, sir, I'll think on that.

And you're sure you're okay hearing
about all my problems?

Of course.
I'm Jack Donaghy.

Oh, no!
Crush it!

Oh, God, here comes my childhood!

I'm in here, Paul.

The restaurant was crazy today.

During Nude Hour, I got custard
all over my penis.

What's going on in here?

You want to take this
to the next level?

Let's videotape our lovemaking,

pretend the tape got stolen,

and let the whole world see.

Wow. I don't know, Jenna.
I'm pretty beat.

I see.


I guess we're just done having any
adventure or excitement in our lives.

Well, jeez, I'm sorry that I'm happy
with the way things are.

I mean, come on, why can't we just
paint each other's toenails,

watch vintage pornography,

and then go to bed in our swing
like a normal couple?

Because it's boring.

We might as well be married!

Okay, this isn't about us
being adventurous.

This is about you being afraid
to settle down with me.

That's not true!

Fine, let's do this tape,
but then what?

What will you want next?

Well, there's a sex resort in Japan

where white people
are treated like slaves.

No, Jenna.

You're making it impossible
to live up to your expectations.

What are you saying?

I'm saying adopting a dog
so it can watch us make love

and then returning it, claiming
that it bit our imaginary child,

is everything that I need.

But if that's really not enough
for you, tell me now.

I'm sorry.

Very well.

I'm not gonna beg you.

I have my dignity.

I'll trust you
to fairly divide up our panties.

I'll come get them tomorrow
while you're at work.

Miss Lemon, I have another message
from Captain Burnett.

Please don't get sad and remember
things and infect me again!

Kenneth, it's okay. I'm not
worried about Carol anymore.

I'm just sorry I messed
you up like that.

Don't worry. I had my brain cleaned
by Mr. Donaghy.

I told him everything!
How Harold...

No, no, don't tell me your story!
I can't handle it.

Look how small my head is.

Oh, my!

It's so tiny!

Daddy, I wanted to give you
your share of our profits

before I shut down my dream.

Someone left it in coat check.

Tracy, listen to me! I was wrong.
Don't turn your back on Donald.

Too late.
Look how we're positioned.

Kenneth told me a story earlier,

a story about fathers and sons,

and despite my best effort,
it unearthed

a memory from my own childhood.

As a boy, I wanted to be an astronaut
or a deep-sea diver,

a man of science.

But I was raised by Jimmy Donaghy,

a man who projected his own failed
dreams onto his family.

When I was in third grade,
my class put on a science play.

The night before,
Jimmy came home drunk

and found me rehearsing my lines.

I was struggling with the science
terms, and Jimmy laughed and said,

"Well, looky here.

Doctor Jack, the boy
who wants to be a scientist.

Chowderhead can't even say
the words. You'll never be nothin'!"

The next day,
I was up on that stage...

I looked out at the audience,
I saw Jimmy, and I froze.

I am a protoin!

Protein! All living orgasms...
I mean orgasms!

Chowderhead can't
even say the words!

When I got home, I threw away my
microscope, my shell collection,

my map of the stars.


A parent is the one person who is
supposed to make their kid think

they can do anything,

says they're beautiful
even when they're ugly,

thinks they're smart
even when they go to Arizona State.

Let the rest of the world
tear your kid down.

Your job is to support him
no matter what.

Tracy believes in you, Donald.

Go and make him proud.

That's a nice long speech and all,
but your daddy was right.

You couldn't be a scientist.

You couldn't even be protein
in a school play.

And I can't run a business.
I'm a failure.


...am a protein!

All living organisms
need me to function!

A basic building block
of the human body,

I am made from amino acids
found in ribosomes.

Proteins give energy to everything
from flowers and butterflies

to heroes who turn in Communists.

I am a protein!

Daddy, can I have $50,000
to start a business

where people can call in
and get air-quality reports

from all across the United States?

- I'm gonna call it...
- Donald, no.

...American Airlines!

And it's going to work, son!

This is what happens
when you work at being happy!

Godzilla sits next to you while you're
eating an egg-salad sandwich.

What a world!

What's the point?
I moved here to make it on Broadway.

Now look at me.
I'm pathetic!

I've got no real skills,

a degree in Theater Tech,

so you move back to Pennsylvania,
live with your parents.

All of your old friends have kids
and careers, and what do you have?

Maybe your name on a TV show
that no one will even remember.

I should have moved to Cleveland
with that guy when I had the chance.

Damn you, Gojira!