30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 10 - Christmas Attack Zone - full transcript

Liz and Avery convince Jack to come clean about things that he's been keeping from his mother when she visits him for Christmas. Later, Liz attempts to mend Jenna's relationship with Paul. Meanwhile, Tracy buys the rights to a film he shot so that it will never be released and compromise his new, more serious persona.

- Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack.
- Likewise, Lemon.

Is there any chance you'll still be
around tomorrow?


Do you want to go
to the Penn Station K-Mart with me

and then watch "Tootsie"?

I'm sorry, that's what you're doing

instead of spending Christmas Eve
with your family?

It's my new thing,
travel on Christmas Day.

That way I avoid the annual Lemon
family blow-up.

And this year,
it's gonna be a doozy.

My Aunt Linda is bringing
her new boyfriend,

who is neither her age
nor her race,

and her ex-husband will also be there
with his date, alcoholism.

I swoop in the next day
for presents and pie.

Well, if you're around,
come by for dinner.

Colleen will be up from Florida
and she'd love to see you.

Because my youthful energy
makes her feel young?

No, because she views you
as a peer

she can complain with about how
no one wears pantyhose any longer.

How are we supposed
to conceal our spider veins?

Bare legged Christmas!

Okay, guys,

this KableTown promo
is the last thing we have to do

before the holiday break.

Liz Lemon, I cannot participate
in this promo.

- Why?
- Because it's not honest.

As an actor,

it is my job to tell the truth,
hold a mirror to humanity,

and to sell Proactiv.

I will not spout your lies,
Liz Lemon!

And I will not say,
"Merry Christmas from KableTown."

Ever since Tracy got nominated
for a Golden Globe,

he thinks he's Sean Penn.

Well, they have both had screaming
fights with Wyclef Jean.

We'll just do this without him.

Merry Christmas, Jenna.
You can say both lines.

"Merry Christmas from KableTown
and all of us at 'TGS."'

I think we got it.

Hey, are you okay?

"Tom Ford and Elton John
invite you to New Queer's Eve."

What is this?

Also, replicas of The David
urinate vodka!

Oh, God!

Paul and I were going to come up
with an amazing couple's costume.

But now that he's gone,
what's the point?

This party means so much to me.

I don't know what I'm going
to do without it!

The party... or Paul?

The party, Liz!

Good news.

We don't have to do
these promos after all.

NBC says they want them
from every show but us.

Good year, everyone!

What Christmas card
did we end up sending out?


"Happy Holidays
is what terrorists say.

Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack."

Oh, it's just Liz.

Why do people always say that?

Avery's keeping
her pregnancy a secret at work,

so she's been carrying around

large objects
whenever she's in the building.

I was wondering what was up
with your show last night.

The market rallying today

despite a pullback in gold stocks.

Anyway, I was gonna bring
dessert tomorrow.

So, are any foods making you
nauseous lately?

Please don't say
a half-sleeve of Oreos.

Oh, I'm not gonna be there.

I'm leaving tonight
to spend Christmas with my family.

- Really?
- It's why I like dating older men.

Their parents are usually
dead or senile

so there's never an argument
about the holidays.

Why aren't you and Colleen
going with her?

Oh, you know.

Colleen is frail,

and Avery is in her third trimester.

You haven't told Colleen
about the baby yet!


I have been watching "The Mentalist"
a lot lately

because my TV is on CBS
and I lost my remote.

I think I've become
a body language expert.

For instance, I can now tell

that Jack wants to kill
the person to his right.

Why haven't told her?

I just haven't found the right time.

- That is no excuse!
- I can't believe you haven't told...

This is her granddaughter
that we are talking...

I cannot have the two of you
on the same side of an argument!

We Donaghys believe

that when there's something at all
delicate to talk about,

it is best to suppress it

until it erupts into a fist fight
at a church barbecue.

I understand all that, Jack.

The symbol on the Jessup
family crest is a knight

refusing to talk about his feelings.

But this baby is not bad news.

You don't know Colleen.
We're not married, Avery...

Why should that matter?
She did the same thing.

I mean, what did Colleen say

when you told her
you knew about your real dad?

You never told her about Milton,

I am "The Mentaliz"!

- That was over a year ago!
- You have so many secrets!

- How do you not get hives?
- How could you not tell her?

For the love of God!

Sir, this came for you.

Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.
I've been waiting for this.

Oh, I didn't know you made another
"Chunks" movie, Mr. Jordan.

That first one was a classic!

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here to celebrate
the life of Athea Chunk.


That's funky!

Obesity is killing
the African American community...

with laughter!

Yeah, well this sequel
is never coming out.

I bought the rights
so this movie won't be released.

Why wouldn't you want people
to see your movie?

It looks so funny.

That's the problem, Ken.

It's 67 minutes of me
acting like a hilarious fool.

If this movie comes out
before the Golden Globes,

it'll ruin my new image.

Mr. Jordan, I thought you loved
acting like a fool.

No, I don't.

I'm lying!

My favorite thing in the world
is making people laugh,

but I can't now!

I have to go on "Charlie Rose",

"Charlie Rose"!

That's horrible!

I have no choice.

I gotta stay serious.

From now on, the only movies
Tracy Jordan makes

are about the Holocaust,
Georgia O'Keeffe, or both!

I didn't care much
for the gazpacho soup.

I mean, where's the fun of sending
it back because it isn't hot?



Avery and I are having a baby.

I see.

May I remind you
this is good news?

This is a disgrace!

What are my chums

at the Death Shore Retirement
Community going to say?

When I tell them
that my unmarried son

has knocked up a Protestant?

I knew you'd do this.
Take a happy moment and ruin it.

Just like you did
when I won that scholarship

at my high school graduation.

It should have gone
to the other boy!

This is the reason I waited seven
months to tell you...

You kept this
from your own mother?

Oh, oh, Colleen.
Don't talk to me about secrets.

I know some things you've done

that you would not want me
to bring up right now.

Most people thought I was a hero

for killing Lydia's parrot.

I'm going upstairs now

and think about more comments
for tomorrow.

This isn't over!

Jack! Guess what?
They just got Caller ID in Vermont!

Milton, I hope you don't have plans
for tomorrow.

I'm having a little Christmas dinner

and I want you to be
my guest of honor.

Well it is sudden, but yes, I'd love
to come to your holiday dinner.

It's Christmas dinner!

Hey, Rick, can you cover
Section 3 for me?

I'm in the weeds.

Oh, Liz.

I'm sorry,
I thought you were a transvestite.

Paul, I need to talk to you.
About Jenna.

How is she?

Honestly, I don't think I've seen her
this upset since Hurricane Katrina.

The coverage pre-empted
a tampon commercial she was in.

And she keeps trying to pretend
it's just about some New Year's party,

but I think she misses you.

I miss her, too.

But it's over between us now.

I don't even think
about Jenna anymore.

I don't think about kissing her,

or laughing with her,

or photographing her with just
salamanders covering her nipples.

When it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.

You can't be on the floor
without your roller skates, Rick!

I'm not Rick!

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Sorry, I finished the Oreos
in the cab.

I'm glad you could make it, Lemon.

Welcome to
my Christmas Attack Zone.

Your what?
What does that mean?

Professor Milton Greene is on his
way here from Penn Station.

Milton, your father, is coming here?
Please tell me that Colleen...

Has no idea.

The father that she hid from me
for 50 years,

the that man she doesn't even know
I know exists,

is joining us for supper.

Red or white?

Jack, what are you doing?

You promised me
a drama-free dinner!

I could be sitting at the corner table
at the K-Mart Caf? right now!

Oh, that must be dad.

Wait, does Milton know
that Colleen is here?

No, I want it all to be fresh.

Will he erupt with anger
over her years of secrecy?

Who knows.

Milton's a hippie pacifist,

but I once saw Colleen

provoke a Buddhist monk
into whipping a battery at her.

My boy!

Oh, Jack, this is going to be the best
Winter's Eve Light Festival ever!


And a happy
Whatever-You-Believe-ln, too!

I am not letting this happen.

Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive
for bringing you here.


It's true.

You're going to be a grandfather.

Oh, what a blessing!

Life is beautiful!

"Joy, beautiful spark of the gods,

daughter of Elysium."

And Liz, you're already showing!

No, it's not me! And that is not
what he has to tell you.

Colleen is here and Jack
is using you to ambush her!

- Why would you do that?
- I'll tell you why.

Because when my mother found out
about your granddaughter...

It's a girl! She'll be intuitive!

Colleen did not see it
as a "blessing."

She saw it as an embarrassment

because my girlfriend Avery and I
are not married.

An embarrassment?
She has no right to judge you.

She needs to read my new book,

"There's No Wrong Way
to Make a Family".

That's for you.

I agree with you, Milton.
But Colleen disapproves.

Well, that's awfully hypocritical
for a woman who kept her son

a secret from his own father!

I'm gonna give her
a piece of my mind tonight.

Oh, great, Avery's here.
And she looks mad.

Jack, I got your message.

How dare Colleen disapprove of me?
Of us?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for my message
to make you angry

and have you come
all the way back here.

Now there are three people here
that are mad at Colleen!

Wait, this is Avery?

How could that woman not adore
such a beautiful daughter-in-law?

By the way, we have a tradition
in my family

where we let
the child name itself.

- Oh, yeah. That's hippie nonsense.
- Absolutely not.

Well, suit yourself, but my son
Spider-Man turned out just fine.

Okay, this is disgusting.
It is Christmas.

You are not going to ambush
an old woman

for the mistakes that she has made.

I mean, who hasn't made mistakes?

I once French-kissed a dog
at a party

to try to impress what turned out
to be a very tall 12-year-old.

Lemon, we all know
what mistakes are!

I'm going to go tell Colleen what's
happening while you all calm down.

Where is her room?

Don't worry.
I sent her to the East Wing.

It's very confusing.

It was designed by M.C. Escher.

These stairs are weird!


Dinner is ready!

What are you doing here, sir?

I wasn't setting this up because
I'm spending Christmas at work.

I certainly wasn't going to pretend
those trash cans were my parents.

I here picking up a serious outfit
from wardrobe for my event later.

All the big actors do charity work
on Christmas Eve.

Russell Crowe is having an auction

to benefit the victims
of his own mood swings.

So what are you doing, sir?

Screening my very sad movie,
"Hard to Watch",

at a women's shelter.

It's gonna be real depressing.

I hate seeing you like this, sir.

And you ruined Ludachristmas.

In the Darfur region,
the dead may be the lucky ones.

Next slide.

What else can I do, Kenneth?

People only take you seriously
if you're serious.

But comedy is just as important
as drama.

People need to laugh,
especially in these tough times.

And after all, isn't laughter
the best medicine?

Except for insulin, spironolactone,
and bupropion,

which I have for you
whenever you're ready, sir.

Mother, you look lovely.

I see you've brought the bag

that my bastard grandchild
will come in.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.

My gift to you is the feeling
of superiority you'll have

for the next two seconds.

Is she drunk, Jack?

Because you know
when you're pregnant,

one bottle of wine a day
and that's it.

Mother, you must remember
Milton Greene.

My father.
And your shameful sex secret.

Why would you bring him here?

Oh, I see.

You're trying to make me look
like the bad guy, is that it?

You are the bad guy! You kept me
from my son for 50 years!

You didn't miss much.

He's a good boy.
He got me a kidney!

From Elvis Costello!

All that time lost
because of you and your pride.

And think of what I've lost.

Going on father and son
Habitat for Humanity builds

and road trips in my VW van!

Yeah! Or other things!

And then you dare to judge us
and our life decisions?

Who do you think you are?

God, this house is enormous!

Oh, hi, Colleen.

I tried to stop this.

Well, Mother,
what do you have to say for yourself?

It's speechless!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas one and all!

Jenna, this dinner is a disaster.

My life is ruined!

I just came up with the perfect...

...couple's costume
for New Queer's Eve

and I can't use it
because of stupid Paul!

You know what?

The reason I'm not
with my family right now

is because I didn't want any drama!

And that's all I'm getting.

First from these jagwagons,
and now you!

Paul is the reason you're upset.
It's not about this party...

It's about the party!

I want to eat shrimp off an old gay
dressed as Baby New Year!

Hi, Colleen.

Are you all right?

Just thinking about my next move.

No, no, what next move?

This thing hasn't even started.

Welcome to my
Christmas Attack Zone.

Ladies of the battered women's
shelter, please be quiet.

A man is talking.

You are about to watch a film

that holds a mirror up
to your own terrible lives.

You're gonna see poverty,
drug abuse,

and a bunch of babies having
a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Comedy is just as

Laughter is the best

Damn it!
I can't get Kenneth out of my head.

Actually, he's behind you, Tray.

He rode over here with us.
You talked to him the whole ride.

Well, he's right!
People do need to laugh.

And I'm the medicine.

What are you doing?

Something I should have done
a long time ago.

"A long time ago"?
You just got here.

Shut up, Dotcom.

Ladies and children,

I give you "The Chunks 2:
A Very Chunky Christmas"!


Damn Christmas lights
blew a fuse...

Well, this has turned out
to be the opposite of what I wanted

and I'm gonna leave
before anything else happens.

- So...
- Oh, my God.

My arm! It's numb!

What are you doing now, Mother?

I think... the stress...

Don't go to her!

Do you have shortness of breath?

Are you sweating?
Do you have neck or jaw pain?

I've had a couple rich men
die on top of me.

It's like something...

like my son...

sitting on my chest.

We should call an ambulance.

We are not calling anyone!

What's the matter with you?
Your mother is not well!

Can't you see that she's faking,

There! Did anybody see that?

We have to call an ambulance.

Listen to me, damn it,
I'm a doctor!

Of history!

In what emergency
would you be necessary?

If someone wanted to know whether
the '60s were awesome or not?

- They were!
- You hang in there.

You need to meet our daughter.

Little Colleen.

Seems like people are back
on my side, Jackie.

Paul. My ex-lover.

Listen, I'm not here
because I want to get back together.

Good. Me neither.

Can I get you a cup of coffee
or an absinthe enema?

No, thank you, I can't stay.

I just wanted to let you know

that I had an amazing idea
for a couple's costume...

Well, so did I.
What's yours?

Maybe we should just say them
at the same time

and see what happens?

- You dress as Natalie Portman...
- I dress as Natalie Portman...

...from the movie "Black Swan"...
...from the movie "Black Swan"...

...and I dress as...
...and you dress as...

...former Pittsburgh Steelers...
...former Pittsburgh Steelers...

...wide receiver...
...wide receiver...

...and Pennsylvania...
...and Pennsylvania...

...gubernatorial nominee...
...gubernatorial nominee...

...Lynn Swann!
...Lynn Swann!

- We're two black swans!
- We're two black swans!

Well, it is a Druid Solstice
miracle that it wasn't a heart attack.

Yes, I do believe a heart
is required.

That is enough, Jack!

What happened tonight
was so scary.

And the reason that it happened

is that we were not being honest
with each other.

So from now on,
no more secrets.

Okay, I'll go first.

I have a crush on the Mentalist...

Just family only, Lemon!
Damn it!

There is one more secret Jack and I
have been keeping from all of you.

We were planning to elope
in the Caribbean over New Year's,

but now we want you all to come.

Oh, how wonderful!

You know what I learned tonight?

As hard as you try,

no one can escape
the horror of Christmas.

So it might as well
be with your own family.

I'm going to go get a bus
to White Haven now

and I should be home

just in time for Aunt Linda
to try to prove that she's sober

by holding someone's baby
while cooking.

Listen, Jackie.

Everything I've ever done in life
has been to protect you.

I know.

And if I got upset earlier,

it's because I want your life
to be perfect.

- Unlike mine.
- Don't let him off the hook, Colleen.

What he did tonight was wrong
and he owes you an apology.

He's right.

I almost died.

And using your father
like that is so disrespectful.

He's a doctor, for God's sakes!

Your mother and I are very
disappointed in you, Jack!

What are you smiling at,
you fruitcake?

Just my mom and dad...
yelling at me...


Milton, the Clinton boom years were
just an after-effect of Reaganomics.

And, Mother, you cannot invite
anyone to the wedding.

- Fascist pig!
- What happened to the heart attack?

Let me tell you about this talk
about Reaganomics...

- I gave you a home for so long.
- No, you insult your own intelligence.

I'll invite anybody I want
to this wedding!

To this wedding
or any other wedding!

You sound like
a typical capitalist pig!

Merry Christmas.

Long lay the world

In sin and darkness pining

'Til He appeared

And the soul felt his worth

A thrill of hope

The weary world rejoices

For yonder brakes

A new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees

Oh, hear the angel voices

Oh, night devine

Oh, night when Christ was born

Oh, night devine

Oh, night when Christ was born

Oh, holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night
of the dear Savior's birth

And hope everybody,
everybody have a merry Christmas.

And somebody needs to clean
this table up. It's disgusting.

Fred, wake up!

Merry Christmas from the Chucks!