30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 11 - Mrs. Donaghy - full transcript

Liz tries to blackmail Jack on behalf of TGS after they discover that they're married because of a license error, but Jack has a dirty trick of his own. Meanwhile Jenna and Danny fight after they are forced to share a dressing room.

Happy New Year.

on getting married, sir.

I know I didn't deserve to be invited,

so I thought I would give you
your gift now.

Not if it's a song.

It's not.

...this belt.

Well, the nuptials were perfect.

We rented a villa on St. Esclavage.

For my second wedding,
I just wanted a five-minute ceremony

surrounded by one giant party.

So the service was performed

by an exiled
French Admiral/defrocked minister.

Well, I'm glad it went smoothly.

You and I...

The only hiccup was
that my best man,

deep-sea explorer
and raconteur Bob Ballard,

took ill after eating some bad toucan.

So Lemon filled in as my best man...

This is from St. Esclavage.

It's my marriage certificate.

Oh, good God!

Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted
that I am here on time.

This is a new year
and a fresh start for me.

Now I got to go.

Where are you going?

I'm hosting the International
Pornography Awards,

and I have to go get
an insurance physical

so I can fly into the arena
in a penis-shaped parachute.

Hey, what is going
on with Jenna's dressing room?

Jack rented it out
to an IT company.

The KableTown board is meeting
this week to approve buying NBC,

and he's doing everything possible
to make us seem profitable.

He turned the greenroom
into an NBC Experience Store.

And we have to schedule our
rehearsals around the bat mitzvahs

Jack has booked in the studio.

When Madison was born,
I said, "Rivka,

my schveltz is filled
with schpoinkis!"

Okay, well, I'm gonna talk
to Jack about this.

I'm sure he's still in a good
mood from the wedding.

- Oh, yeah, how was that?
- Total chaos.

No rehearsal,
no program,

the bride wore
a black cocktail dress.

The airline lost my luggage,

and the only place
to buy anything

on the island
was at the tennis pro shop!

Luckily, I had the essentials
in my carry-on...

toiletries, closed-toe shoes,

and the State Department-
recommended mosquito head net.

- I sense more complaining in you.
- Terrible flower girl.

At 4 years old, you should know how
to pace your petal distribution.

Hannah! Petal, step.
Petal, step. Come on!

And don't even get me started
on the monkeys...


It needs to see Mr. Donaghy!

It needs to see him right away!

Get us all our stuff back!


Elizabeth, shut the door.

Lemon, during my wedding ceremony,

do you remember being asked
a question by the minister?

Yeah. It was something like...

And in spite of not understanding,
you responded, "Oui."

Well, one of my New Year's
resolutions is to say yes...

Yes to love, yes to life,
yes to staying in more!

Do you remember signing
this document afterwards?

The minister told me to...

...on the ?pouse line.


Not "witness."
No, Lemon.




They married us by mistake?

It is a clerical error
that will be rectified immediately.

See? This is exactly
the kind of thing that happens

when there is no order,
no planning!

Hitler and Martha Stewart
would have hated that wedding!

Of course it's everyone else's fault

that the minister thought
the lady in the white dress

and the veil was the bride!

It was a men's tennis shirt and a
government-sanctioned head net.

You kept holding onto my arm!

It's hard to balance on sand!

Who wears shoes on a beach?

Only Rocky and Apollo Creed
during the training montage!

Who cares?
You're fixing it.

I'm sorry you got caught up in another
one of Liz Lemon's adventures.

My adventures!
I am the protagonist!

Avery is in China right now
covering an economic conference.

She is not a spy.

I want this taken care of
before she gets back.

Divorce papers are being drawn up.
Try to sign on the right line.

Whatever you say, dear.

Do not.
Do... not.

Don't forget, honey, we have bridge
with the Cunninghams tonight.

Tracy, you are going to die...

What? No!

...when I tell you who I'm dating.

Squeaky Fromme.

She is... difficult.

Anywho, I have the results
of your physical.

Tracy, you are going to die.

What? No!

You have no reflexes,
your blood tastes like root beer,

and some of your bones
appear to have vanished.

Now, I've only ever seen
this kind of thing on dead people

during Operation Desert Storm.

I actually wrote a report on it,

but my commander refused
to pass it on up to Saddam.

Kooky times.

But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman!

Who will be there raise my kids
if I'm not around

to pay someone to raise my kids?

Look, making even minor changes to
your unhealthy lifestyle would help,

like diet and exercise.

Well, we tried.

I'm sorry, Tracy.

But on the bright side, at least your
family is financially set for life.

Now, this could literally kill you...

Thank you for taking in
Miss Maroney, Mr. Baker.

We would have asked you sooner,
but we forgot you worked here.

Thank you for doing this, Danny.

It's gonna be fun!

Yeah, it is.

It's like we're married!

Now, don't you two start bickering
like old married folks!

Are you okay?

It's just... I got a haircut,
and you didn't even notice.

Sorry, you get your hair cut
every week.

Excuse me?

I don't like your tone.

And I don't like
what you've turned into!

I'm not the one who forgot
our one-minute anniversary!

Finally, as the merger progresses,

you'll notice some changes
to your benefits,

New Health Care Options...

I'm sorry, that should read,

"Few Health Care Options."

I've got to redo this.

You have to talk to Jack!
I can't lose my dental.

There's a hygienist there whose boob
sometimes touches my ear!

Yeah, go upstairs and tell
your boyfriend to help us!

Jack is not my boyfriend.

He is, dot-dot-dot,

my husband!

Oh, God.

On your wedding night, did he
take you in the French fashion?

No, there was a mix-up
in St. Esclavage,

and Jack and I
are technically married.

- Oh, my God!
- That's gross!

Did you hear
what I asked you before?

Liz, you should know that NBC has
strict anti-nepotism guidelines.

If your husband is your boss,

then you're both going to have to
come to my office and discuss this.

What? No, it's not real.
We're getting a divorce.

That's what Ann Curry and Subhas
the janitor tried to tell me.

That was five years ago.

No, it's a mistake.
We are signing something tomorrow.

Wait, Liz, we can use this.

Jack needs a divorce.
You have leverage!

What are you talking about?

You don't sign any divorce papers
until we get the studio back,

our full budget,
our health insurance...

Pete, I'm not...

They shut down your secret bathroom
to save on cleaning costs.

I have to talk to my husband.

No, no, Bob, we made it very clear.

You have to buy NBC
with everything else.

Then just don't watch it!

What is it, Lemon?

I'm trying to negotiate
a $30-billion deal.

That's "billion", with a B.

Is that right?
That seems like way too much.

Yeah, well, my staff and I are also
trying to do our jobs,

but we can't without studio space
or health insurance

or those vegetable chips that I hate
and I keep telling Kenneth not to get.

Let me show you something, Lemon.
This is our NBC priority pie chart.

This big red part, you can see,
is "The Biggest Loser."

The yellow slice,
our number-two priority...

Make It 1997 Again
Through Science or Magic.

And the little green part
is Everything Else.

Request denied.

Request denial denied.

You have to make 'TGS' a priority.

Your show netted $600 last year.

- Your parents had to buy an ad.
- I don't care.

If I don't get what I deserve,

I'm not signing those divorce papers.

Are you blackmailing me?

You should think very carefully
about what you're doing right now.

I am... lots.

Very well. We'll do this divorce
the hard way.

But I'm warning you,

this isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.

Well, I've been to a rodeo, too.

It was a cat rodeo
in a gay guy's apartment.


What happened to my poster
of the Montreal Alouettes?

It's signed by Marc Trestman!

It's tacky, Danny,

just like your mother's
stupid chain e-mails.

Oh, here we go!

Oh, my nails are wet!

Mr. Hornberger...

Do you and your wife ever fight?

Not all the time.

After her hysterectomy,
she was in a coma briefly.

How do y'all make up?

Look, Paula and I love each other,
but two people living together...

it's... unnatural.

And while our children are
basically snot silos with BB guns,

they do come in handy, as a buffer.

Is that like being a fluffer?

Because I have done that
and did not enjoy it.

Blow-drying animals
at a pet salon is hard work.

No, a buffer
is a protective barrier.

Like pigs have around
their delicious testicle meat.

We can't fight around the kids.

You see them looking up at you
with their little faces,

their hair already receding,
and you bite your tongue.

A buffer.

What is it?

Thanks, Jack, for coming
to this emergency meeting.

I'm sorry I'm four hours late,
but my alarm clock didn't go off

because it died
in a cockfight last night.

Tracy, what can I do for you?

Well, it has come to my attention
that I'm going to die.

Oh, please.
You have nothing to worry about.

We have Martin Lawrence
on a holding deal.

Look, I don't want anything
to happen to my husband.

But if it did,
we have a lot of expenses.

Estate planning is complicated,
what with the government taking half.

That's double taxation!

I like you, Angie.
How can I help?

Well, to maintain
our standard of living,

I need to be able to earn
as much as Tracy does.

And if you need to make millions
of dollars but have no real skills

or education,

the best place to do it
is in entertainment.

I mean, look at me!

I can't even find Mexico on a map!

Things are a little tight
at the company right now.

But if you want to learn about
the entertainment business,

I can find you something.

Oh, yeah. I'm willing to start
at the bottom.

There's only thing I won't do,

and that's take orders
from anyone, ever.

Hey, Angie.
What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I'm not about to cancel
my hair appointment

with D'Fwan because
I'm your new intern.

You need to light
some incense in here.

Okay, hang on.
Who said you're my intern?

It was Jack's idea.
I have to start a career.

But I'm gonna need next week
off to go skiing.


Okay, I see what this is.
Jack's messing with me.

We're having a little fight,
so he sent you here...

Excuse me, how is my being here
messing with you?

Do you have a problem
with strong black women?

No! Don't you see? That's the kind
of exchange Jack wants.

Angie, an intern's job
is to do things like

make copies and run errands.

So I'm like your servant?

No, because you're not being paid.

You're really more like...

Oh, boy.

Look, Angie, you don't want
to be an intern.

Don't tell me what I want!

And I don't really have time to mentor
someone right now,

so I don't think this is a good idea.

I don't understand.

That white girl just fired you!

Come on, D'Fwan!
Be a buddy!


Idiot, don't touch the...

Love you.

Look, I made this picture of us!

Did you draw that?

You might need help.
That's awful for an adult.

Well, I think it's great, Kenneth.
You should hang it on the wall.


Don't coddle the boy.
He can do it.

Oh, my bones!

Now look what you did!

You made him afraid!

- Did I also make you half a man?
- You're ruining my life!

What life?

My bones!

Lemon, why do I have
an appointment

with Jeffrey Weinerslav
tomorrow morning?

Every day that I'm married to you,
my life gets worse.

That Angie thing was real cute, Jack.

And some of your plan worked.

Yes, she hated me,

and, yes, I mentioned
slavery by mistake.

I knew I could count on you.

But you also made me her boss.
So I fired her.

She chased me around for a while,
so I hid in a closet down on News.

But then Subhas and Ann Curry
came in, just going to town on...

Damn it!

Is this a game for you two?

I thought you were
trying to help my family.

My family!

I'm not a pawn.
I am a queen!

You all are trash,

and you know what Angie Jordan
does with the trash?

She drags it out to the curb
for pickup!

- Angie, I did not...
- I will rip your weave out!

It's not a weave!

Oh, good God. Angie, no!

I should never have made
you an intern.

- You're a star.
- That's right, I am.

Entertainment is where
untalented people go to get rich.

And you have all the makings
of a reality superstar...

delusions of grandeur,

an insanely short fuse,

It's my way till payday!

That's the t-shirt!

I should give you
your own reality show.

Friday nights...


What? That is when 'TGS'
or wrestling is on.

I guess I could reconsider
the time slot,

in exchange for your signature.

You know what?
I'm calling your bluff.

You're not giving her a TV show.

FYI, I am friends
with a hilarious fat girl

and a crazy-eyed, divorced white lady

who wants to be
in the music business.

Oh, I'd watch that!
Can D'Fwan be on it?

with his even gayer boyfriend.

Okay, fine, give her her own show,
and I will watch it

on our TV in our house,

because I'm not signing anything.

This is not over!

Do you think my meth-addict nephew
should be on the show?

Yes, please!

Pete, you and Paula fight a lot.

No, I walked into a door!
I'm so clumsy!

Jack is using 'TGS'
as leverage in our divorce.

He says he's gonna replace us
with a reality show about Angie.

Oh, I'd watch that.

But how do I fight back?

Well, first off, you can't back down.
If you do that, we get nothing.

I agreed to go to a furniture store

instead of watching football one time,
and I haven't seen a game since.

Oh, I hear you.
I mean, take Danny. Please!

Then you got to hit 'em
where it hurts.

Find their weakness,
and viciously exploit it.

That's what marriage is.

Don't even get me started
on marriage!

Thank you.

Kenneth, your Danny
has something to tell you.

What is it, Danny?

Well, sport, I'm gonna be moving out.

I don't understand.

Well, sometimes two people
who care about each other

just can't live together.

Oh, no, I get that.

What I don't get is this is Danny's
dressing room.

I'm gonna be staying at the Y.

It's that dark place
under the bleachers

that's shaped like a wishbone.

But you're my Danny and Jenna.

And we'll always be Danny
and Jenna.

We just won't be Danny
and Jenna together.

And don't think for one second
this means we love you less.

Know that it means that.

Well, tell the board
we are currently in talks...

Hold on, please.

Jonathan, I have asked you
not to call me at home after 11:00

or before.

She what?

My husband and I are absolutely

so pleased to be underwriting
the Jack and Eliz abeth Donaghy

High School for Teen Drama,
the Arts, and Feelings.

Son of a bitch!

As embarrassed Americans,
Jack and I

pledge $5 million to create

a new generation of choreographers
and puppeteers,

"cloons", video artists,
and theatrical jugglers

who will ask the world, "What is art?"

We know what art is!

It's paintings of horses!

Good morning!
How is the happy couple today?

Well, it's no surprise
we're sitting here.

You two have always thrown off that
"will they or won't they" vibe,

and it's been a real hoot to watch
your courtship.


Now, when two employees
get married, it is my job

to make sure that the employee
is not receiving favoritism

from his or her boss.

Favoritism? Really?
He's trying to cancel my show!

Uh-huh. And what about your little
announcement last night?

Do you know how many fires
I had to put out this morning

because of you?

And what was that voice?

It is my imitation of
Drew Barrymore's impression

of that crazy lady!

Let's keep this meeting short.

Our marriage is a technicality,
and it will be remedied.

Also, in order for there
to be favoritism,

we'd have to actually
still be friends.

All righty, let's just dive on in!

"Does the employee spend

an inordinate amount of time
in the employer's office

compared to other employees?"

Well, yes, I suppose,
but only because Miss Lemon

is incapable of doing anything
on her own.

Please. Half the time
when I go up there,

it's to help you choose a tie,
and they're all red or blue!

Where I come from, if you have more
than two colors on a tie,

it means you're looking for
a certain kind of bar.

"Are all workday conversations

or do personal issues
often dominate discussion,

including, but not limited to,

diarrhea, having babies,

problems in the bedroom, neckties,

food issues,

foot disorders, having it all?"

Okay, yes, in the past,
we have advised each other.

For instance, Jack taught me not to
wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck.

I thought it looked nice,
but he rightly

pointed out that it made me
look like a giant condom.

And Lemon is the only one
of my subordinates

who's not afraid to warn me
when I'm being too authoritative

or handsome.

Or when you have eye boogers.

"Have you spent time
with each other's families?

Have you attended
special events together,

such as class reunions,

birthday or holiday celebrations,
weddings, or extended car trips?

Are you each others'
emergency contacts?

Do you ever drink together at work,

perhaps while summarizing what
you've learned over the day or week?

Have you shared intimate details
of your fears, hopes, and dreams,

both personal and professional?

Is this the longest

and perhaps most meaningful
relationship in your life?

Do you often find yourselves
thinking the same thing

and then saying it
at the exact same time?"

- I'm sorry, Jack.
- I apologize, Lemon.

I never should have tried
to blackmail you.

I'll sign the papers.

And I shouldn't
have threatened your show.

I'll leave that to
the parental-decency groups.

And I'll back off on the budget
and the bat mitzvahs.


Now we're gonna do
word association.


We're done, Weinerslav.

Try to walk like a woman, Lemon.

Your fly's open, Jack.

I'm Angie.

I think elegance and attitude
are the same thing.

And I have IBS.

I'm D'Fwan!

And I just want to be accepted
for who I am,

a sexual maniac!

Hey, I'm Portia.

I don't care what anyone says.

I keep them 3D glasses!

I'm Randi, with an I.

My ex-husband's new girlfriend
is cheating on him...

with me!

Do you have any meth?

Or meth?

It's my way till payday!