30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 12 - Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning - full transcript

Tracy has a reality TV crew following him around which Liz tries to use to her advantage, while Jack attempts to make a profit by pre-recording natural disaster telethons. Lutz lies to the writers to make him more valuable in the event of an apocalypse.

It doesn't matter how long
you've lived in New York,

it's still fun to look up

and pretend all the buildings
are giant severed robot penises.

Be quiet, Lemon.

It's happening.

[Eerie music]

♪ ♪


Out with G.E.,
in with Kabletown.

It seems like one of us should
sing The Circle Game right now.

30 years at G.E....

Now it's on to phase two.

I'm like Keats' "Stout Cortez,"

staring at the Pacific
with a wild surmise

and daring to imagine what...

New planets might swim
into my ken.

So will we be getting
new employee I.D.s?

'Cause I'd really like
to retake my photo.

Good God, what happened?

I was holding in a "snart,"

and then right
when she took the photo...

Don't you want to know
what a "snart" is?

I can tell you now.
It's 10:00.

10:00 in the morning.

[Sneezes, farts]

[Exciting jazz music]


FYI, Tracy's
phoning it in today.

What else is new?

No, mother, literally.

Are you also staying
at this hotel?


[Door opens, closes]

Tracy, we have been
playing this game

for five years now.

- When is it ever gonna stop?
- I don't know.

After I win a bunch
of awards for my movie,

it's not gonna get better.

I don't see how
it could get any worse.

Good question, Liz Lemon.

throwing telephones
at hotel employees,

speaking to the U.N. about
some messed-up crap in Africa,

and I'm definitely
getting a private island.

You're getting an island?

Every crazy A-lister
owns an island...

Nicholas Cage,

Celine Dion, Charles Widmore.

This is a whole new world
in front of me, L.L.

I'm like Stout Cortez!

He's my gardener.
He's easily amazed.

You have two choices here.

Either you can stay
in your room, like a child,

or you can get out there
and do your job.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was misleading.

I'm not gonna rehearse.

I'm gonna get a sandwich
and then eat it on the toilet.

- What are you wearing?
- My NBC page dress blues.

I want to look good,
in case I get on camera.

On what camera?

Well, Mrs. Jordan's
reality show

is gonna be following Mr. Jordan
around while he's at work.

- What?
- I know!

Isn't it exciting?

I've never been on TV before.

I hope I photograph okay,

because when I look
into a mirror,

there's just a white haze.

Who told Tracy
he could bring cameras here?

Well, Mr. Donaghy.
Uh, here...

I couldn't put the memo
in your mailbox,

'cause it's full
of unread adoption materials.


Are the reality cams here?

[Groans in disgust]

Oh, God, Lutz, why?

I don't want tush lines.


[Knock on door]
You know...

I have enough problems
with Tracy.

I don't need cameras following
him around while he's here.

Do you know what pays
for your show, Lemon?

Our product placement with
Sullivan Psychiatric Clinic.

[Deep voice]
"Sullivan Psychiatric...

You'll drool over
our crazy prices."

Reality TV.

A woman with "hundruplets,"
a live execution,

the real transvestite hoarders
of Orange County Penitentiary.

Ugh, that show is upsetting.

Why does the warden
let Lady Extravaganza

have so many spoons?

Programs like that are
the lifeblood of this industry.

They're cheap, promotable,

and even if they're terrible,

you get a rating and move on
to the next idea.

Everybody wins.

Well, I happen to think

we are in a new golden age
of scripted television.

Shh, shh.

Lemon, it's okay.

As I begin phase two
of my jack attack on Kabletown,

I've been doing some research.

Do you know what the most
successful reality events

of the past five years are?

Celebrity benefits
for natural disasters.

The viewership is huge.

Yes, but those ratings
mean nothing.

All the networks air those
benefits at the same time,

so no one gets an advantage.

True, unless only one network
is carrying it,

because only one network
is ready to broadcast

a benefit on the night
of the disaster.

But that's impossible.

There's not enough time
to put it together.

Unless you've pretaped
the show beforehand

and filmed options for every
possible disaster scenario.

You're going to pretape
a benefit

for a disaster
that hasn't happened yet?

- Yeah.
- That is bad karma, Jack.

I mean, this morning,
I stole a cab

from a pregnant lady
on crutches,

and I am just waiting...

Uh, my goodness, Lemon.

The people affected
will still get money,

but so will NBC.

Everybody wins.

Oh, and I need Jenna to sing.

I'll do it!

But I hate my dress.

All right, listen up,

I need ideas from you people

for potential
natural disasters...

Anything that might require
a televised celebrity benefit.

I need something new,

and I need it
by the end of the day,


Let's get to work.

Well, I just finished
a screenplay

where a tidal wave
destroys Washington.

Someone write down tidal wave.
Shut him up.

What about a tornado
that hits a handgun factory,

and it's just spinning around
shooting handguns?

What happens
when the second flood comes,

and you aren't allowed
on reverend Gary's ark?

Especially since
reverend Gary made it clear

the ark is just
for teenage boys.

You know, with global weirding
and everything,

stuff like that
could totally happen here.

There was a cyclone
in Brooklyn last year.

It destroyed two vintage-t-shirt
stores and a banjo.

If something does happen,

it'll probably be
while we're at work.

I mean, this is where we spend
all of our time.

We should have a plan in place.

If we don't, I will freak out

and start
karate-kicking people.

Everyone needs
an emergency plan.

For instance,
right before the ark leaves,

I'm supposed to castrate
reverend Gary.

I see you finally
decided to come to work.

Of course.

I'm just continuing

my consistent
professional behavior.

Let's laugh together, friend.

[Laughing forcedly]
[Chuckles weakly]

- What's going on with him?
- First of all, good morning.

And to answer your question,
it's Angie's cameras.

These reality shows
want crazy behavior,

so Tracy's keeping it boring...

Give them nothing
that could make him look bad.

Since when does Tracy care
about looking bad?

Since he got nominated
for an Oscar.

Then once he wins,
it's on to the next level,

which I am not looking
forward to.

That island he wants to buy
is filled with scorpions.

Let's do it again from the top.

I want to get it perfect,

because perfection
is my middle name...

"Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy."

So here's the plan.

If anything happens, we meet
outside under the Atlas statue,

walk to the 59th Street bridge,

and try to get
to my mom's house in Queens.

Okay, good.

We've got a wide skill set

for any
post-apocalyptic scenario.

I'm good at archery
and kind of want to die.

I can use my glasses
to start a fire.

Toofer can get us
through black, gay,

and nerd-controlled

Cerie will be some sort of queen
in the new society.

I will do sex with cannibals
as needed.

I can talk to animals.

Well, not talk to 'em...

I can take commands from 'em.

Huh. Lutz... What can he do?

Well, he's slow and a coward.


I'm not useless.

I mean, I've got a car.

Oh, I didn't know that.

All right, Lutz is the driver.

How big is your car?

- Can it fit all of us?
- Oh, right.

It's actually pretty small.

I could only take
three of you...

So I'll have to choose.

That sucks.

It's like a reality show
where you guys get to compete

for a seat in my car
by proving how much you like me.

Tracy, I need you
to do something.

Of course, friend.

Teamwork is the key to success.


You need to stay late
for a wardrobe fitting tonight.

It should take about two hours.


No problem.

After that, I need you
to record that DVD commentary

that you've been putting off
for five years.

Hope you didn't have
plans tonight.

No, I wasn't gonna buy
two blimps

and crash them into each other
to see what sound they made.

Look, is there anything that
you two could maybe fight about?

An argument that culminates in
a racial slur would be lovely.

Sorry, this is gonna be nice
and boring.

Tracy's even going to agree
to attend a fundraiser

for my cousin's dance studio.

Aren't you, Tracy?

So we're good?

Never better.

I'm as happy as a clam
that wants to kill some woman.

You're the best.

Love you!

Love you more!

Boy, I-I don't know, Jack.
This just doesn't feel right.

Bob, it's for charity.

And if you don't do it,
I'll have MSNBC tell the world

you grew up in England.

[Cockney accent] But I'm
so identified with New York,

you bloody tosser!



Disaster options, take one.

"We'll always remember
where we were

"when we heard that tornado
had hit a handgun factory.

"Two days ago, when people
thought of a mudslide,

"they just thought of getting
drunk in an Applebee's.

"But now we know it as
the thing that destroyed Denver.

"When the birds first
started attacking us,

"we all thought it was pretty
funny and made Hitchcock jokes.

"But we're not laughing now,

"because our laughter excites
the birds sexually.

"This devastating wildfire.

"This horrible flood.

"This wonderful flood

"that put out
that devastating wildfire.

These super-intelligent sharks."

Tracy, I just thought

of a few more things
I need from you.

[To the tune of Uptown Girl]
♪ Shut your mouth ♪

♪ I am finished taking
orders from you ♪

♪ and I think that you're
a four-eyed douche ♪

Wow, Tracy, I don't want
to interrupt this moment.

This is great stuff,
but that's Billy Joel's.

Anything you sing
to that tune, uh...

I can't use on the show.

♪ That's too bad ♪

♪ but if I say
you cannot do anything ♪

♪ to make me look bad
on your TV show ♪

♪ and also let me say
that Liz is a ho ♪

♪ a dirty ho ♪

[Tune of Uptown Girl]
♪ You are a child ♪

♪ and you're losing
your mi-i-i-nd ♪

♪ I want to kick you ♪

♪ I'm not good
at making up songs ♪

♪ unlike me, who is good ♪

♪ as you can tell
from this rhyme ♪

♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ The thing that happened ♪

♪ was so sad ♪

♪ we can't believe
it got so bad ♪

♪ when the stuff
we know occurred ♪

♪ went down ♪

♪ so find it in your heart ♪

♪ step up and do your part ♪

♪ and help the people
the thing that happened ♪

♪ happened to ♪

♪ help the people ♪

♪ the thing that happened ♪

♪ happened to ♪

Fantastic, Jenna.
You really brought

the songwriting computer's
words to life.

Wow, you're actually
doing this.

Yes, all I'm missing
is the disaster.

Well, I'm in the middle
of a Tracy disaster.

I thought I could use
Angie's cameras

to make him behave,
but he found a loophole,

and now, to close it,
I need $80,000

to buy the rights
to Uptown Girl.

Lemon, it sounds like

you're trying to fight crazy
with crazy.

Yeah, because crazy
is the only language

that Tracy is fluent in.

But you'll never
out-crazy Tracy,

so why don't you have it out
with him

once and for all,
like two adults?

Because we're not
two adults, Jack.

One of us is an actor,
and actors are not people.

Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food,

or I will drop a "d"
in the green room!


Last week you thought
I was crying wolf, didn't you?

Lutz is the best.

- Nice feet, Lutz.
- I like Lutz the most.

Look at all of you
trying to impress me.

I feel like the bachelor.

But, uh,
whom shall I give my rose?


It's so hard to choose
when everyone loves me so much.

But only three of you
can ride to safety in my car.



I don't really have a car.


Tracy, your little
singing game is over.

I got auto-tune
for my computer,

and if you try to sing,
I'll just take out the melody,

and no one has to pay for that.

[With auto-tune]
♪ Liz Lemon won ♪

♪ do do do do ♪

That was me singing the Beatles'
Here Comes the Sun

for free.

[With auto-tune]
L.L., please.

[Normal voice]
I'm way ahead of you.

And I'm not rehearsing.

I'm going to shoot
garden gnomes with a handgun

at Tupac's house.

Yeah, Tupac is alive.

I bet you'd like to have that
on your show.

Yes, Tracy, obviously.

But again,
I can't use any of it

when you're wearing that mask.

The Rangers logo
is trademarked.

Okay, fine.
Jack was right.

I can't out-crazy you.

So we're gonna talk, right now.

No cameras.

All right, Tracy,
the kid gloves are coming off.

Oh, that explains it.
Those are gloves.

No wonder they're
so coarse and wrinkly.

Five years ago,
I rescued your career.

And how do you repay me?

By making my life harder
at every turn.

You are late.
You blow off rehearsals.

And your online romance prank
was not funny!

I fell in love with you!


You wore a yellow hat
to that coffee shop.

You know what's actually funny
about all this?

You think I'm the problem.

Have you ever tried to work
with you?

You're trying to blame me?

Five years ago,
I saved your show.

I rode in here on a white horse

that you made me leave
in the lobby.

All you do is stifle me
when you should be thanking me.

Oh, yeah,
I should be thanking you.

Without me, do you have any idea
where you would be right now?

This honky grandma be trippin'

over surfmaster's
mid-range jet skis!

Where do you think
you would be without me?

Now, Jerry, in rehearsal,

it's okay
to play with yourself.

But when we do the show...

Hey, dummy, you got
to drive me to paintball,

and no complaining.

The only reason
why I got that DUI

is 'cause it was your birthday.

What's up, Jerry?
[Laughs] That's awesome.

Well, at least Jerry
bothered to come to rehearsal.

And in my alternate reality,

Dennis dies,
and I win the lottery.

But then I would run you over
with a jet ski!

Damn it!

Jonathan, come in here!

Fantastic news...

There's been
a natural disaster.

Was it in Indian Kashmir?

May Durga's trident pierce them
from the skies!

No. A typhoon just hit
an island in the South Pacific,

and news is going
to full-time coverage!

It's perfect.
The island is called Mago.

It's near Fiji.

Heavy structural damage,
no fatalities...

Sad, but not too sad.

We'll get footage
of beautiful Polynesian people,

proud and topless,

maybe a pelican
near some diapers.

I don't know.

Oh, it's all happening so fast.

We haven't even given
this plan a code name.

Haven't we?

Operation Righteous
Cowboy Lightning is a go.

Okay, first of all,
I look weird there

because I'm "snarting."

You "snarted"
in my dressing room?

And second of all,
I said no cameras.

That footage cannot be shown
on television.

I'm trying to buy
a island over here.

I'm sorry, Tray,
but now I just need

a heartfelt resolution.

So we're gonna use
a little reality-TV magic.

We call it staging it or lying.

We'll shoot you guys
meeting in the hallway.

Uh, you apologize, you hug.

You are disgusting.

And I have absolutely no reason
to apologize to him.

And I have no reason
to hug her,

other than my love of having
boobs pressed against me.

If I hugged you,

I would angle it
so that you got no boob.

And I would anticipate
your angling,

and I would get there.

- [Groans]
- I would get there.

[Door slams]


Hey, buddy, I made you
an apocalypse road trip mix.

I hope your car
has a CD player.

It has two.

And it has flames on the side.


Lutzy, guess what.

A friend of mine works
for Marvel,

and he got me four tickets
to a test screening

of Captain America tonight!


Chris Evans' body
looks amazing in the trailer.

When's his
Men's Health cover?

Okay, so who you gonna take
with you besides Frank?

Dude, make up your mind.

We have to be in Harrison
by 6:00.

It's in New Jersey?

How are we getting
to New Jersey?

You're going to drive us,

What am I gonna do?

Where have you been, sir?
Have you seen the news?

I don't have to, Jonathan.
I know what's on it...

The poor people of Mago Island

and their brave
shorts-wearing police force.

If you're just joining us,

this is NBC's
continuing coverage

of the devastation in Mago...

the Fijian island owned by
controversial actor Mel Gibson.

Good God.

We are receiving reports

of extensive damage
to the main house,

as well as the house
for Gibson's cars.

No word yet on the fate
of Gibson's collection

of anti-semitic
and misogynistic literature.


No, this is not a prank.
This is Jack Donaghy.

And I'm calling about Operation
Righteous Cowboy Lightning.

[Elevator bell dings]

We are joined now by a relative

of the island's owner...
Oskar Gibson.

[Australian accent] G'day.

First off, the holocaust
never happened.


We go now to NBC's exclusive
primetime benefit

for the victims
of the devastation in Mago,

specifically Mel Gibson
and his houseguest,

Jon Gosselin.


Why do bad things
happen to good people?

We'll never know.

But look at these pictures.

Look at these
beautiful souls...

And pick up the phone.

Every dollar
you give to help...

[Male voice]
Mel Gibson...

Will go towards rebuilding...

[Male voice]
His sex jacuzzi.

♪ And help the people ♪

♪ the thing that happened ♪

♪ happened to ♪

[Horn honking]

Oh, here he comes!

Pick me, Lutzy!
Pick me!

Now, you can't all fit, so...

Dude, did you just buy
that car?


There's a dealer sticker
in the window,

you got no plates,

and you made these flames
out of magic marker and tape!

I'd rather die
than ride with him.

- Let's go.
- Uh, okay.

But now I do have a car,

so everything's
like it was before.

It's all like it was before!

[Car door closes]

[Mutters weakly]

♪ And help the people
the thing that happened ♪

♪ happened to ♪

♪ help the... ♪

Mm, we now return to Queen of Jordan.

- You heard me!
- Ugh.

[Onerepublic's Secrets]

What the hell?

Tracy, I need you.

- Of course, friend.
- So we're good?

- Never better.
- You're the best.

- Love you.
- Love you more!

Let's never fight again.

No, never, Tracy.

I know it's fake, but...

Damn it, I miss him.


I knew I'd get
that boob squish.

♪ Honestly, I swear ♪

♪ thought you saw me wink... ♪

Tracy, I'm sorry.

Don't. You already said it
all on the show.

You said it all.

- I got there.
- I'm angling.

I'm angling.

Are you okay?

Oh, you're kidding.

Your dumb stunt worked?

It was our highest rating
since that episode of SVU

where the detectives
watched American Idol.

It was a train wreck.

It was reality TV.

It can be good.
It can be terrible.

It just can't be
anything in between.

You know, some people
actually craft stories.

And when the story doesn't have an ending
you don't just create one out of thin air

by playing music or having people
give each other meaningful looks.

Sure, that might manipulate the audience

into thinking they're feeling something,
but it sucks.

♪ Tell me what you want from me ♪

♪ something that were like those years ♪

♪ I'm sick of all the insincere ♪

♪ so I'm gonna give all my secrets away ♪