30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 13 - ¡Qué Sorpresa! - full transcript

Jack pitches a crazy idea to the new boss after he discovers that he doesn't fit in with the new "family" corporate culture, Liz pretends to be pregnant to protect Avery's secret, and Tracy and Jenna fight over a gift from Kabletown.

Back to the top.
One more time, guys.

Everyone, I need your attention!
Gather up!

I said everyone, Sketch-Tron 6000.

Mr. Hank Hooper,

the owner of our new parent company,

is touring 30 Rock
for the first time today.

I will make a good first impression,

so I need all of you
to be your most normal.

Tracy, do not mention
where you think dinosaurs come from.

Do not mention the underwater city
of Sauronicon, got it.

Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling
out of your system.

If you don't volumize my hair,

I will choke you to death
with your boyfriend's wig!

Very good.

Frank, how's your armpit thing?

Not great.
It's almost touching my thigh thing.

Okay, let's do our best.

Remember, everyone,
just don't be yourselves.

Lemon, meet me in my office in 10.
I need to ask you something.

Do you need sex advice?
Here's a tip.

Sometimes, a lady likes
to leave her blazer on.

Sir, ma'am,

this is for you... a gift bag.

"To my two favorite sketch stars.

Your new friend, Hank Hooper."

That's nice.
Actors deserve gifts.

Without us, who would present
awards to actors?

So, which one of us
is gonna get this computer?

Just kidding, we both are!

Wow, I always wanted one of these!

The box will make a perfect coffin
for my teddy bear!

There's two of everything!

Look at us.

When we met four years ago,

we were fighting
about the silliest things...

dressing rooms, air time,

you coming in and ruining my show.

You taking my nephew's virginity.

I feel we finally found a balance
in our relationship.

There's only one.

You take it.
I don't care.

might take Avery
shopping for baby things.

Oh. Sure.

You know, a crib, small clothes,

a tiny desk with a miniature
pen set on it.

I don't know a lot about babies,
but I know that Avery would enjoy

having another woman go with her.

Of course.
I'm just a little surprised.

I assumed Avery
would have a terrifying best friend

she'd do stuff like that with.

Avery does have a sister,

but Eugenia is currently
institutionalized for nerves.


And all of her work friends are out

because she's still trying
to keep her pregnancy a secret.

Really? She's eight months.
How is she possibly hiding it?

Michael Kors is a friend.
We own a gay racehorse together.

And I convinced him
to make wizard cloaks fashionable

for ladies this winter.

It's my fault for asking.

The problem is that Avery
is very close

to being named the financial reporter
for "NBC Nightly News."

If anyone finds out she's pregnant,
she won't get the job.

See? That would never happen
if men could get pregnant,

which is the premise
of my one-act play,

"The Sea Horses
of Warwickshire Abbey."

Avery just needs to keep
her condition under wraps

until her contract is signed.

Unfortunately, her competition
for the job is Carmen Chao

from MSNBC.

Oh, I know her!
Hey, what ethnicity is she?

No one knows.

In international news, Mexican
President Felipe Calder?n

is traveling this week to China to
meet with Premier Wen Jiabao

and then stopping for a well-deserved
vacation in Negril, Jamaica, mon!

If Carmen finds out
Avery is pregnant,

she'll use it to destroy her.

Carmen's very sneaky.

And that's not racist
because I don't know what she is.

Man, we all lead
such complicated lives.

Hey, do you want to go to that new
popcorn place for lunch?

I'm going to the Executive Dining
Room to meet with Hank Hooper.

I can't wait to shake his hand.

You can tell a lot about someone
by their handshake.

You are confident.

And you...

...ate dinner
in front of a mirror last night.

Carol's away a lot.

Ahoy there, Jack!

Hank Hooper.
Nice to meet you.

I'm a hugger!

Nope! It doesn't count as a hug
unless it goes on for 10 seconds!


Well, it is an honor, sir,
to finally...

I'm no sir, Jack.

Call me Hank
or "Hey, idiot," like my wife does.

She's an angel!

'Sup, Jack?

What are you doing here?

No, it's fine, Jack.

KableTown's a family company,
and where I come from,

families eat together!

This is no longer
the Executive Dining Room.

It's the Everyone Dining Room!

Welcome, everyone!

This is where we used to hold
retirement parties.

The balcony below is probably still
littered with stripper bones.

Now there are people here
wearing sandals.


Well, Isn't that nice?

Listen, can I tell you how happy I am

with the work
you've done for us so far?

It's been outstanding.

Thank you.
And believe me, I'm not done.

I'm working on something
new right now that I think...

Room for a single?


Let me ask you a question.

Do you know who came up
with the idea for the DVR?

It was the guy
who drives me home every night.

The original name for the DVR was
"The Thing Carlos Thought Of."

Since then, I make sure that,
once a month,

anyone who works here can pitch
any idea they have

to upper management.


- I see.
- So, I want you...

...to hear ideas all day tomorrow
and then report back to me.

I'll be the guy wearing
the Bugs Bunny tie!

What is this green stuff?
Wipe it off! Wipe it off!

These pregnancy photos
are so tacky.

They're like those knockoff
bags you get in Chinatown.

I like my Pradar bag.

Avery Jessup.
? Qu? sorpresa!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just love babies.

Love their creepy little hands

and the way they crawl fast
like a rat monster.

The question is,
what are you doing here?

Oh, she's here with me.

I'm pregnant,
and Avery is helping me

decide what kind of
baby megaphone to buy.

You're the pregnant one?


Some dude jacked me,

and now his sperm
is growing in my stomach.

That's not how babies are made.

No, we're gonna go.
You're tired.

Oh, you'll find this interesting.

I'm working on a story right now
about single mothers in their 40s.

- That's a great idea.
- So you'll be in it?

Why wouldn't you be?

You just said it was a great idea,
and you're pregnant, right?

So, by the Law of Verbal Traps,
you have to do it.

Okay, Carmen.
I'll be in your story.

You can interview me at the new
popcorn place on 11th Avenue.

No, we'll do it at your office.

Fine. I'll just go
to the popcorn place alone,

even though
all their advertising suggests

it is a place for groups
of friends to have a good time.


Good sweatshirt to you.

How are you sweatshirting
this sweatshirt?

Is everything all right, Tracy?

I want that sweatshirt!

No! You can't take
this away from me,

like you took away my show

and my grandmother's jewelry chest!

Was I supposed to throw up
in something of mine?

You gave this to me.

And I could take it back!
I'm the star here!

And if there's only one
sweatshirt, the star should have it.

Look how gray it is!

Just let me hold it for one second!

Well... okay.
But just one second.

You'll never get her!

Sweatshirty is a boy!

Miss Lemon,

Carmen Chao called
about an interview.

Is she doing an expos?

on how feminism
has led to a happiness crisis

among educated women?

No, Kenneth, it's nothing. I'm gonna
call Jack and make it go away.

Check this out!

I was up
in the Everybody Dining Room

sharing a table with B-Dubs here,
and guess what he told me.

Okay, gossip alert!

According to my colleague
Carmen Chao,

our friend Liz Lemon is pregnant!

Dude, is that true?
Are you pregnant?

Isn't that wonderful news?

Lemon told me this morning.

She got jacked big-time.

Lemon, a word?

What the hell is going on?

Thank you for covering for Avery last
night, but now you're part of this.

And Carmen Chao is relentless,

like a bloodhound...
perhaps literally.

We still don't know
her genetic background.

So, what?
Now people think I'm pregnant?

Do I have to do this mom
news story?

There is no news story.

Carmen isn't getting anywhere
with Avery,

so she's trying to call your bluff.

Well, it is called.

I am telling everyone here

that there's no way
I could be pregnant

because I have had my period
for the last 61 days.

Lemon, please.

Avery's career
has never been more important.

Because I just don't know
what's happening with mine.

What? Why?

The Everyone Dining Room,

open office hours,

memos with emoticons in them!

If this is how KableTown
does business,

I don't know if I have a future here.
I'm Jack Donaghy.

Don Geiss gave me this watch
for firing a man on his deathbed!

So, wait, you might leave?

I don't know if I can survive here.

So I need you to fake being
pregnant to help my family.

I'm asking you as a friend.

How come when I try to get you to go
to a murder-mystery party with me,

it's all, "We're business colleagues,

I don't know why I ever
choose you as a friend.

Let's just be clear about this.
I chose you.

I heard the blessed news, Liz!

May I kiss your stomach?

Absolutely not.

Hello, beautiful.

It's Uncle Wutzy.

Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have
a pitch meeting later.

You're a baby. Yes, you are!
Yes, you're a...

So, that's basically the show.

And my sidekick is a hot black chick
who can read minds.

We need a button

that switches from pornography
to basketball immediately.

What you have isn't fast enough.

My kids are starting to ask questions
that I can't answer!

This'll just be a minute.

Did you check the light bulb?

Please do not use that tone.

So much of television

is really not fit for children
or Christians or the elderly.

So, what if there was a black bar
on the lower half of your TV screen

that kept you from seeing bad things,
like nudity or soccer?


Worst so far.

Liz, I never get anything!

All I want is one sweatshirt!

Don't listen to her!
She's not me!

- What is going on?
- This is mine!

The story begins
when dolphins ruled the Earth.

Hey, guys, lay off Liz, okay?

You know, she's pregnant.


Super pregnant.

Congratulations. I am not
interested in godfather duties.

Now's not the time to discuss this,

but I will need to eat
your umbilical cord.

I'm sorry we were stressing you out.

We shouldn't do that.
It'll turn the child into a Dracula.

I'm sorry.

You know what?
Give me the sweatshirt.

Problem solved.

Now no one gets it.


Now, get out of here!

And hold hands like best friends
on the way out!

That is like magic.

People are nice to pregnant ladies.

I'm gonna run downstairs.
Do you want anything?

Remember, you're eating for two.

Well, I guess two egg sandwiches...
times two is four.

Good morning.

So, how did
Co-worker Pitch Day go, Jack?

Well, Employee Pitch Day was,
of course, a new experience for me.

Speaking of new experiences,

I ate at an Indian restaurant
last night!

I had naan!

Sir... I mean, Hank.

I appreciate that you have your way
of doing things, but so do I.

I am a Six Sigma Black Belt Ultra

with the groin branding to prove it.

What's Six Sigma?
A rock band?

I'd like to start this meeting
by sharing one of my own ideas.

And after you hear it,
maybe we can agree

that Employee Pitch Day is time
that could be better spent

drinking and looking out the window.

Okay, Jack.

You're putting it on the line.
What have you got?

Hank, what's the one part

of the television experience
that's not perfect?

To me, it's the remote control.

Too easy to lose, right?

Yes! I lose my remote
all the time.

Grr, couch cushions!

What if you didn't need
a remote control

because your remote control
was your own voice?

Television on!

Channel NBC!

... crew out of the Bronx
called the Ace of Deuces.


I give you Voice Activation.

Word from my C.I.
Is he got offed by...

That shouldn't happen.
TV on.

Voice Activation, or Vo-Act...

The only wit we have
is some mute kid...


My friends at the DEA say these guys
have a high volume of cocaine...

- ... coming in from the docks.
- Low volume! Low volume!

But first I want to go home and delete
everything that's on my D VR.

Oh, come on!

TV mute!

Jack, that doesn't seem to work.

You got any other notions, or should
we jump to employee ideas?

No, no.

No. I have another idea.

What if...

What if...

you had a black bar
at the bottom of the screen

that prevented you from seeing
anything dirty?

I like that.
I like that a lot.

It would allow parents
to eliminate racy content,

like soccer
or a woman stuffing a turkey!

That's a real family-company
kind of idea, Jack.

And we could sell ads in the black
bar, increase our revenue streams!

You could call it "BlaBar."

A-plus work, Jack!

I don't need to hear anything else.

If that's the kind
of ideas you're bringing...

nine, ten...

you will go far, son!



Kenneth, we need to talk.

Earlier today, I told Hank Hooper
about your black-bar concept,

and he loved it.

However, I presented it
as my own idea.

Next topic!


No, this is an opportunity for you.

You have me over a barrel.
What are you going to do?

Not what my uncle does when he gets
a hitchhiker over a barrel,

I'll tell you that!

This is business, Kenneth.

All bosses
steal from their employees.

But in return,
the employee gets something.

You didn't steal anything
from me, sir.

Last time I checked, best friends
can't steal from each other.

Now, stop being a Silly Simon!

This isn't how it works!

You're the one being a Silly Simon!

What are you doing here?

Well, you didn't call back
to schedule our interview,

so I thought I'd just ambush you
with some pregnancy questions.

I hope you're not unprepared.

Of course not.

When are you due?

April 20th,
Hitler's birthday.

- What's your pediatrician's name?
- Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.

- Where was the baby conceived?
- In my vagina.

- What names are you considering?
- Rufus T. Barleysheath.

- How are you feeling?
- A little achy and nauseous,

but I'm hanging in there.

- Are you pregnant?
- No... way that I'm not.

Owen. Screw.

I don't know why
you're doing this for Jessup.

She's a blonde. Don't you know
there's a war going on?

Or you're doing it for her old-man
husband. He's your boss!

First of all,
Jack means nothing to me.

Shoot him in the throat and let
the dogs eat him, I don't care.

What's wrong with you?

Almost everything,
but let's get back to the interview.

We're done with that portion.

I thought it would be a fun visual

if we got some B-roll of you taking
sexy pregnancy photos

where you bare your stomach
like the pregnant bitch that you are.

What do you say?

Let's take some pictures.

...an innovation that is both
family- and bottom-line friendly.

Gentlemen, I give you BlaBar.

You're really sexing me right now.

It's filthy.

Jack! Jack!

Jack! Jack!
Jack! Jack!

Jack! Jack!
Jack! Jack!

Jack! Jack!

One time, I saw a turtle...

Who the hell do you think you are?

This is not the way
the world works, Kenneth.

Bosses steal,
and employees use it for leverage.

So, what do you want?
Money? A promotion?

I can get you into a restaurant where
you watch a child play with a bunny,

then you eat the bunny!

Isn't that just Easter?

And I don't want anything, sir.

I'm just happy to spend all day here
helping my work family.

Family! I now work for a man
who thinks like you!

Does he also solve mazes
by starting from the end?

I need this, Kenneth.
I used you, now leverage it.

Blackmail me.
Demand to sleep with Avery.

Hit me!
Hit me in the face!

No, sir!
Best friends don't...

I am ordering you to strike me.
There will be no retaliation.

But if you refuse, you're fired.

No, I don't even know how.

Do it! Hit me now!

Oh, damn my Krav Maga training
and lightning reflexes.

Release me, you hillbilly Circe!

I am life!

Revel in the glory of motherhood!

Gaia flows through me!

Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking!

I know you're not pregnant!
Why don't you just admit it?

She's grabbing oil!
Owen, run!

Look how my belly glistens!

What's going on, Jack?

I was just about to hop on my bus
back to Philadelphia.

I don't fly, but I've got my own bus
with a pool table in it.

We'll drive to Branson
together sometime,

take in a Yakov Smirnoff show.

Doesn't Russia
sound like a crazy place?

Yes, sir, but before you go,
I want you to meet someone.

This is Kenneth Parcell,
one of our pages.

Well, I didn't notice you there, son.

You do not have a lot of charisma!

Kenneth is the one who came up
with the BlaBar idea, not me.

I'm sorry I misled you.


Well, Jack,
I have to say I'm surprised.

Here is my letter of resignation.

It's probably for the best, since
this is obviously not a good fit.

If you call security to escort me out,

you should know
I have several pistols hidden on me.

Hold on, Jack.
No one's quitting.

I'm impressed you told me that.

You have a reputation, Jack,
as a shark.

KableTown... we're not sharks.
We're more like...

whatever the friendliest fish is.
I'm not a science guy.

The point is,

I wasn't sure
how you were gonna fit in.

But you doing something like this
tells me we're gonna be just fine.

Very well. Good.

And Jack should give you something
for that idea, son.

Finally, thank you!

Quid pro quo.

But I don't want anything.


How about a hug?

You've got to be kidding me.


it doesn't count as a hug
unless it goes on for 10 seconds!

You got that right, son!

One Mississippi...

That's some good hugging.

And as excited as I am to be joining
the team on "Nightly News,"

I will miss my dear friends
here on basic cable.

But, Carmen, you have an exciting
new assignment, right?

I will be covering hurricanes.

Thank you, Lemon.
I owe you.

If you want to make it up to me,

I have my eye on a toilet pillow
from a certain medical-supply store.

Avery and I want the baby's
middle name to be Elizabeth,

after you.

Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs.

Hey, Liz.
Can we get you anything?

Do you need some liniment rubbed
on your perineum?

No, guys, I'm not really pregnant.

I was just pretending, to help Jack.

Why would you pretend
to help Jack? Help him for real.

It takes the same amount of time!

No, Tracy, she lied to us.

And she ordered us around
like we were a couple of normals!

You will be punished.

Can I have my nunchakus back?

Or we could call it even.

Good God.

I have been punished.
These are yours to keep.

Who's the black guy?

A bicycle messenger.

You took your pants off!

What if there was a channel

that's just the sounds
of people having a party

so you could put it on
when you call your parents?

You know what my TV is?

A sunset.

How about a button you push
on your remote

and you can buy anything
you see on TV?

Like if you're watching
"Sex and the City,"

and you just have
to have Mr. Big's spaghetti.

What if we executed someone
live on TV?

...and then I pull off my mask,

and I'm a Lizard Person, too!

End of episode.