30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 8 - College - full transcript

Jack worries that GE's microwave sales have improved too much without his help and tries to find glitches in their newest design. Meanwhile, Liz partakes in a crew lottery despite Jenna and Tracy's warning her not to do so. Elsewhere, the TGS writers discover that Jack is the voice of an online dictionary's pronunciation guide.

Where are Tracy and Jenna?
We're supposed to be rehearsing!

Hey, LL. Sorry we haven't had time
to get into our costumes yet.

How are we already
behind today?

Liz, women wearing men's watches
is so over.

The new thing is to get
an Adam's apple.

My mom just had this fixed for me.

It was my grandfather's.

He worked for years
at Union Station in D.C.

As a pickpocket.

Hey, hey, hey!

Card game, guys! 20 bucks per!
Pot's 1,040! Who's in?

What is this, Jabba's pleasure skiff?

It's the crew lottery, Liz!

You buy a card. If it's picked you,
win a thousand bucks!

Get a tub of new suits
from the Suit Emporium.

KableTown guys notice.

Your hair grows back.
Everything grows back!

All right. Anybody else?

Fine, I'll take one if it'll get
everyone back to work sooner.

What are you doing?

That game is not for Softhands
and Faceworkers.

It's for Strongs and Lifters.

They hate when one of us wins.

Your boos are not scaring me!
I know most of you are not ghosts!

Come on. My card only has a 1 in 52
chance of getting picked anyway.

How did you know that?

You're like Rain Man!

Quick, how many toothpicks
are on the ground?


You need to go to Vegas!

Oh, why is Toofer
in the Punishment Corner?

I said, "Time to end the charade

and adjust my schedule
to buy a new vase."

You stay there!
You stay there until you die!

Look up the pronunciation
for "schedule" on the Internet.


Ha! Stay in the corner!

Wait, the computer.
It's Jack's voice!




No, that can't be Jack.

Why would his voice be on some
random website?

It's impossible.

Lemon. Lesbian. Frankenstein.
Wants. Her. Shoes. Back.

Oh, my God, it is him.

Come in, Lemon. Just revisiting
some old GE quarterly reports.

My first cover from my first year
at the company in 1985.

Good times.

Just out of frame is a wheelbarrow
full of cocaine.

So why the trip down memory lame?

High-fiving a million angels!

The Microwave Division quarterly
report comes out today.

It'll probably be my last with GE,

now that I'm transitioning
to KableTown.

I've been a GE man for 25 years.

And a GE woman for one week
of corporate espionage at Revlon.


is there any way you could possibly
be the voice of pronouncify. Com?



Those. Bastards.

Those bastards!

Who bastards?

Part of my Princeton scholarship

included work
for the Linguistics Department.

They wanted me to record
every word in the dictionary

to preserve the "Perfect American
Accent" in case of nuclear war.

Well, the Cold War ended

and Princeton began
selling the recordings.

So people can just buy your voice?

The things it's been dragged into.

"Thomas the Tank Engine".
Wu-Tang songs.

? Uh. Yeah. ?

? Just. Like. That. ?

? Make. 'Em. Clap. ?

? Make. 'Em. Make. 'Em. Clap. ?

Huh. I always forget
you used to be poor.

Thank you.

But yes, I've had to work
my entire life.

It began when my father left

and started working on the Boston
docks as a 12-year-old stevedore.

Bales up, you micks! Bales up.

You've been working
since you were 12?

I had to.

Those jobs put me
through college.

But they also kept me from having
the "college experience."

I was up early every morning,

working my way though the dictionary
for the Linguistics Department

or sweeping the floors
at the Princeton monkey lab.

It wasn't the feces that got to you,

It was the crudely scrawled notes of,
"Help me."

Yeah, well college
wasn't that fun, Jack.

I mean, sure, the first two weeks
are nice...

Lemon, I really don't have time
for a long...

The Fall of 1988.

A young Liz Lemon enters
the University of Maryland.

Richard Marx haircut.
Pilonidal cyst under control.

It was a magical time, Jack.

Don't worry about getting
to your point.

I'm going to live forever.

The registrar accidentally
gave me a handicapped room.

It was huge.

And for two weeks,
it was Party Central.

I was popular.

People gave me nicknames.
A blonde girl high-fived me.

But then, like all good things,

it ended before it even began.

Lemon, that's actually my
thoughtful window staring spot.

Visitors stare over here.


All right guys, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

We're picking a winner.
Here we go.

This is the lucky one.

4 of Clubs.
Paula's nickname for my penis.

And the winning card is...
the Queen of Spades!

- All right.
- Who's got it?

Oh, brother.

Queen of Spades?

- Oh!
- Come on!

- Boo!
- Really?

She sucks!

- Boo!
- Come on!

Guys, I'm not gonna keep it!

I'm gonna take this money
and open a tab

for all of you
after work at Hurley's!

Wait, for real?

You know it... Arriflex!

Chris... is this guy.

Well, that is really cool of you.

All right!


can you make sense of this?

Well, on some level, yeah.
That's a 4,

that's a 9.

Something's wrong here, Lemon.

According to these numbers,

the Microwave Division
had their best quarter in five years.


So, they did it without me.

No they didn't.

I mean, you're still the head
of that division.

You hired everyone there.

If they succeeded,
it's because of you.

Lemon, that is the smartest thing
you've ever said.

What about three years ago

when I said there should be
more TV shows about cake?

I'll drive out to R&D in Stamford,

congratulate my team,

make sure everyone remembers
who got them there.

They'll probably give me
a crystal plaque,

and I in turn will reward one of them
with a name remembrance.

Lemon, why does your crew
look drunk?

I won 1,000 dollars
and gave them a bar tab

and they got drunk at lunch
and now they like me.

Oh, Lemon, please.
Money can't buy happiness.

It is happiness.

I. Love. Unicorns.

I told them not to!
Let's get out of here, Jack.

I'll tell you what?

Make me say anything you want.
Get it out of your system.

Obama. Is. Very. Presidential.

Alright, enough!

I was trying to be a good sport,

but you should be ashamed
of yourselves.

A bunch of 30-year-olds sitting around
acting like college freshmen...

Hey! I'm almost 46.

...when some of us

had to spend their freshman year
making those recordings.

And leading a disastrous
monkey escape.

Grow up. You children.

That. Went. Well.

I never did this before!

Say hey, Willie Mays!

You know, usually everyone around
here makes me feel like Hitler.

But today, I feel like...
Hitler in Germany!


Being popular must be
such a new experience for you.

Well, it's not entirely new.

I would experiment with that girl.

Too small.

That's me...
for two weeks in college.

I was popular for one glorious
fortnight and then it went away.

I don't know what I did wrong.

You probably said "fortnight."

No, you didn't do anything, Liz.

You were just you.

The cool people figured that out
and treated you accordingly.

Well, ever since I gave the crew
that lottery money,

it's felt like those two weeks again.

And you know what?
I'm not blowing it this time.

Hang on.
You know this charade can't last.

Just like in college,
everyone has their role here.

I'm the hot blonde.

And I'm the nerd who takes
off his glasses

and everyone realizes
he's handsome.

And you're the R.A.

Only if "R.A." stands
for "really awesome."

You are who you are!


Hello, Pete. This is Jack.

Jack? Hi!

Oh, okay, look.

What happened was Suzanne
from Ad Sales

got pushed into me in the elevator.

I didn't try to touch her.

And the sort of "uh" sound
I made was about something else.

Pete. Will you be my friend?


Sure, of course.

You know, whenever I tell
my wife a work story...

she pointed this out the other day...

I always smile a little
when I'm talking about you.

I wish I was more
of a free spirit like you.

Now, freestyle rap for me.

? Rolling with my homie ?

? Me and Jackie D. ?

? Bitches get ready for a sex party ?

Hey Liz, think fast!

Okay, this is why we don't play
football in the studio, guys!

'Cause it's too much fun!

No, no!

Nobody high-five her.

But it's me, the Lizard.

You can start calling me that.

Look, we appreciate what you did
for the crew last night,

but you left some people out
and that's not cool.

What are you talking about?
The Blizzard wouldn't do that!

That's another option!

Yeah, the alcoholics, Liz.

How were they supposed
to enjoy your bar tab?

I didn't forget them, Chris.

Their thing
just hasn't gotten here yet.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's a surprise.

And who knows what it gonna be?

Only the Blizz-bian knows!

All right!

How long do you think
this can go on?

I've got it under control.

This is why I hated
my first two weeks

at the Royal Tampa Academy
of Dramatic Tricks.

No one knew who was the sluttiest.

But I showed them.
Oh, I showed them all!

And when we graduated
a week later...

Whatever, Jenna.
People's perceptions can change.

Can they? Look at me.

I'm Ogbert the nerd.
Always have been, always will be.

Look, there is no cool Liz.
There is only R.A. Liz.

You're wrong.

My glasses are dirty.


Ah, the microwave lab.

Boys, I received our quarterly report
yesterday, and...

Hang on. Ajay, Raj, Ramesh?

What's going on here?

Where are Dinesh, Kumar,
and Sunavo?

Sir, this lab requires clearance...

Clearance? I'm your boss.
I'm Jack Donaghy.

I'm sorry.

Your names all sound the same to us,
John Donovan.

I've worked here since 1985!

I spearheaded the Trivection oven!

What is this, 2009?

The future is the TK-421.

A new model?

- How many vections does it have?
- Five.

It's the perfect microwave.

It even has a new voice feature.

Popcorn. Setting. Medium.

My God.

Which one?

Gentlemen, I am still the head
of this division.

And no microwave ships
without my say-so.

And I guarantee you that without
my 25 years of experience,

you did not build
a "perfect" microwave.

Now, I'm going to find out
what's wrong with this machine,

and when I do, you're going to wish
you'd never been born.

Which time?

What are you tinkering with, sir?

You know, my uncle was a tinkerer.

Until the FBI shot him.

Every GE product has to be no more
than six Sigmas from perfection.


So I'm taking this apart piece of junk

until I prove that it should
never be released.

For the good of the company.

Ready. Ready.

Is this about the company, sir,
or is it about you?

I'm sorry, Kenneth, what?

Sometimes a place can be
so special to you

that it feels like it couldn't
possibly continue after you're gone.

But after I left Kentucky Mountain
Bible College, it still kept going.

Until it was shut down.
Because of the wolves.

Maybe this is really about you
not being able to let go.

Tell me, Kenneth, what did you major
in at that college?

Television Studies
with a minor in Bible Sexuality.

So, not Psychiatry?

Thank you,
but if you really want to help me,

stick your hand in there
and see if you get a shock.

Ah! My hand!

Damn it.
It's supposed to do that.

Everyone enjoying the ice cream?

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

I don't even care that we've taken
a 73 minute break to eat it!

Oh, hey!
Someone brought a dog to work!

And it definitely doesn't have any
of its own waste on its feet!

Hey, why is Tony sulking?

I couldn't go to the bar
and now I can't have any ice cream.

I totally forgot, broseph.
You're a lactose intolerant alcoholic.

I try to forget, too, but Liz made me
remember in front of everybody.

- Poor Tony.
- Not cool, Liz.

How "not cool" is this?

I remembered how special Tony is
and that's why I got him...

this watch!

You think of everything!

Lizard! Lizard!

Lizard! Lizard! Lizard!

Lizard! Lizard! Lizard!

Lizard! Lizard!

Lizard! Lizard!


Pete. Can. I. Tell. You. A. Secret?

Of course.

I told you about my blankie.

I'm lonely.

Would. You. Like. To. Come.
To. My. Office. Tomorrow. Evening.

And. Hang. Out?

Bring. Your. Guitar.

And. Some. Beer. In. Cans.
And. We. Will. Jam.

Okay, yeah, great.

And, about that Kable Town stuff...

maybe we could talk about
some new opportunities for me?


I. Will. Make. Your. Dreams.
Come. True.

Make. Sure. You. Wear. One.
Of. Those. Mexican. Ponchos.





All right, Kenneth,
simulate a rainstorm.

Sir, I was wrong
about the hypothermia.

I don't even feel cold anymore.
I don't feel anything.

Quiet! Look!
The display is malfunctioning!

Defrost. Power.
Time. Left: Piz z a.

Oh, really?
That's how much time is left?


Mr. Donaghy, I don't know what point
you think you're proving.

Who would microwave something
in a freezing rainstorm?

Why don't you ask Choctee,

an Inuit who wants
a hot bowl of naglak,

a man and food I just made up
to illustrate a point?

Sir, you have to let go.

At least that's what my Nana
is telling me

from that tunnel of light behind you.

Kenneth, I've told you this before.

Your Nana is an idiot.

Liz, we're pranking Pete
and it's going too far!

Please stop us!

Why would I? I love pranks!
I'm not the R.A.!


But someone has to be
that person!

Hey. Everyone stop.
Listen to Lutz.

Hello, gentlemen.
Remember me?

Yes, I had the Greek salad.

You know I'm not a delivery man!

I'm wearing a suit
and carrying a microwave!

A so-called "perfect" microwave.

Start. Time.

19: 85.

1985? That's not a time.

I guess it could be a year...

The year I started working here,
actually. That's interesting.

19: 85.

Yes. 1985. Thank you.

And since 1985, I have never allowed
a subpar product...


The point is, my legacy here is...

Over. Done.




That's my voice.

You all sound the same to us,
Jock Dungaree.

That was me.
30 years ago.

A young man who dreamed
of running this company,

who made a lot of sacrifices
in pursuit of that dream.

Good-bye. Potato.


But he's right.
It's over.

Congratulations on making
the finest microwave I've ever seen.

Who ordered the Greek salad?

Are we racist, or do those guys
look a lot alike?

You ready for this, J-Dog?

Jam out? Drink some brews?
Talk about everything and nothing?

After today, that is exactly
what I'm ready for.

Beer me.

Sitting around, drinking beer while
a guy in a poncho plays guitar...

This is what I always pictured
college being like.

I wouldn't really know.

I only had about two weeks of real
college before Paula got pregnant.


She had overlapping pregnancies
five months apart.

Hey, Pete...

do you know Aqualung?

? Sitting on a park bench ?

? I don't know the words
except park bench ?

Jimmy Slice! K-Bones!


Do not even use my awesome

What? Why?


Did you give Tony your
grandfather's watch?

No! You can't prove that.

"Not stolen property
of Adolf Lemon. "

Why would you do that?

To get us to like you?
Are you that desperate?

No! I'm not desperate. I'm...

Just tell me what you want me to say
and I'll say it!

Liz, it's over.
They know what you really are.

Fine. You found me out.

- I'm not a cool kid.
- You suck!

You know who I am?

I'm the R.A.

And do you know
what the R.A.'s purview is?


And guess what?

According to the NBC
Employee Handbook,

your little card game lottery
constitutes gambling.

So you're not doing it anymore!


Also, the next time I see someone
throwing a football in here,

there will be fines!

And if I see that filthy dog again,
I will put it down.

I will put it down with a smile!

Back to work, everyone!

I love you, too.

High-fiving a million angels!

Hey, Pete,

how do I know
that the colors you see

are the same as the colors
that I see?

Maybe what I see as red
you perceive as green.

We should be writing
this stuff down.

Oh. I didn't think anybody
would be in here.

- I mean, I brought you guys a pizza.
- Lemon, think fast!

- What's going on here?
- Join us.

Pete and I are having
a little college night.

Oh, yeah?
Wanna see me shotgun this?

Oh, God, she means the pizza!

Oh! She's unhinging her jaw!

C'mon, we were just pranking Pete!
How long do we have to do this?

You wanted college
to go on forever?

You got it!