30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 7 - Brooklyn Without Limits - full transcript

- How's it going in there?
- Great.

Trying on jeans is
my favorite thing.

Maybe later I can get a paps mirror
from an old male doctor.

Come on, Liz.

This store is cool.
It's huge with all the young people.

I mean... all the us.

This place is trying way too hard.

Why are there straight jackets
everywhere?

Because before this was
a clothing store,

it was a mental hospital.
It's winky and fun.

Okay, I tried them on.
Can we go now?



You look hot.

Really?

I swear to Kaballah monster.

Those jeans are perfect.
Look at your butt.

- Is that me?
- Liz, it's the dream.

Boy on the bottom, girl on the top.

O.M. God, those jeans are zing!

This online slang dictionary
says it's short for "amazing".

Or it's a club drug made
from a tooth whitener.

Either way you win.

I'll wear these jeans out,
and I'll take ten more pairs!

'Tastic. Shall I put the pants
you had on in with the jeans?

Burn them.

Burn them!



I'm sorry I was late this morning.

- I was attacked in my apartment...
- Quiet.

- Congressional candidate Bookman...
- Are they really talking about her?

... making political hay
out of the wheat field

that is the NBC-Kabletown merger...

Who wrote this?
Jared, honestly?

Bookman told reporters, quote,

"The merger of NBC and Kabletown
is bad for the consumer.

"I don't trust
their executive leadership,

"and Kabletown still has
an auxiliary button "on their remote.

"What is that for?
It just makes the screen go blue."

Why is she still talking
about the merger?

She said I had three months
to make NBC more diverse.

It's not your fault nobody watched
America's next top black guy.

Bookman, amping up
the rhetoric in a tight race.

Polls have her in a dead heat

with out-of-nowhere challenger
Steven Austin.

Wait a second.

There's a chance she could lose?

Bookman is obviously holding
a gun to my head.

And no matter what I do,
she obviously wants me to fail.

- But if she loses...
- This isn't a conversation!

But if she loses,

I won't have to worry
about her scuttling the merger.

Get her opponent in here.

Whoever he is, he just made
a very powerful friend.

I thought you said
you didn't need any more friends.

'Zing leg-tubes, Liz.

Vunderhinder!

They're from Brooklyn Without Limits.
It's this very cool store

with locations in Gay Town,

White Harlem, and the Van Beardswick
section of Brooklyn.

And they don't just look great.
See the tag?

"Handmade in U.S.A."

Because BWL is all about fair trade

and local artisans
and staying green.

These jeans totally make up

for all the times I took a long,
hot shower because I was bored.

I'm so excited for you, Liz.
Now we both have amazing butts.

Make that all three of us.

Jenna, a word.

Specifically, the word "talking".

And look at this.

J-train, as you may know,
I was in a film

called Hard to Watch.

And the pundits think
I have a chance at an Oscar,

and I just learned about air quotes.

I talked about your movie
with my therapist last week for 20 h.

- I know this is difficult for you.
- I'm fine.

Talking with Dr. Linda
helped me realize

I have just as much
going on in my life.

My exercise video is dropping soon.

It's called Jenna Gets Hard.

If you're okay talking about it,
I need your help.

These reporters want
to come do a story on me.

They're from something called

the Hollywood
Foreign Press Association.

HOFPA?

That's the Golden Globes.

The second-most-important awards
in Hollywood...

After the People's Choice Awards...

Where the fans are in charge.

What do you think I should do?

You could have a special screening
for them... host a luncheon.

And when the time is right...

Be bad at snapping. Got it.

You could try to bribe them.

I mean, a Golden Globe
is a stepping stone to an Oscar.

How bad do you want it?

I'm not an expert at morality,
but isn't that wrong?

You're asking me?

So this is the man who's gonna
bring down Regina Bookman.

Rhode Island's own Steven Austin!

Actually, I go by Steve Austin.
That way people see my name on ballots,

they think I'm the wrestler,
and they vote for me.

I've been reading up on you, Steve.
Honestly, I want to like you.

But I see that you're not affiliated
with the republican party.

The party system is broken, Jack.
I don't believe in parties.

I don't join 'em,

and I never get invited to 'em...
Hint, hint.

You're an individual.

A maverick.

You succeed because Americans
are fed up with the status quo.

Exactly. They're tired of the direction
this country's headed in.

They want to return
to our past glory.

- They want an American renaissance!
- I like what I'm hearing.

Then you're gonna love
the sound of this.

Goo goo gaa gaa, Jack.

- What's that?
- That's the theme of my campaign.

Renaissance means rebirth.

I want to usher in
the rebirth of this country.

That's why the theme
of all my campaign commercials is:

"I'm a baby."

This country has lost its way.

We need to start over and return
to what made our nation great.

My name is Steve Austin,

and I'm a lifelong resident
of Rhode Island,

and the manager
of a local paintball facility.

I will clean out Washington,

like it's the bathroom
of a paintball facility.

Vote Steve Austin.

And if you're blind,
I am the wrestler.

Right.

I like a lot of what you're saying,

but before I throw
my support behind you,

I do have a litmus test.

- Can I take that in two weeks?
- No, it's just questions.

What should be
the role of the government for you?

Limited.
I believe in small government.

- Excellent answer.
- Or no government at all.

If it works in Antarctica,
why can't it work here?

But if we have to have government,
make it as small as possible.

Dwarves, tiny buildings...
Pizza bagels for lunch.

Maybe we should stop
at small government.

Let's cut to the chase.

I need you to assure me
you would never allow the government

to interfere with the sale
of one company to another.

The government
shouldn't interfere in anything!

What happens inside
a man's own rain poncho

at a minor league baseball game
is his own business.

Steve, we should stop talking
before I change my mind.

I do want to host a fundraiser for you,
so give me a couple of days.

I need to know that you
believe in my message, Jack.

Take the rattle.

Say "goo goo gaa gaa," Jack.

Goo goo gaa gaa.

What's going on here?

I'm helping Tracy plan
for a Golden Globes event tomorrow.

Kenneth is our human Sushi platter,

and I'm doing a dry run
so everything will be perfect...

for my friend Tracy.

Lying perfectly still
reminds me of hiding

under our porch during
a hill people rampage.

On the day, Kenneth's mouth
will be filled with wasabi

so he don't do so much...

I should get a chafing dish
and fill it with my underwear

in case some Saudi guys show up.

Let me get this straight.

You, the person who is still jealous
of the attention baby Jessica got,

are helping Tracy
win an award for acting?

I'm helping him, all right.

I even gave him the idea
to try to bribe them.

And he's gonna do that?
That's awful.

I trust award shows.

They tell me how much to care
about dead people.

It's not gonna work.

If they could be bribed,
I would have won a Golden Globe

for my lifetime original movie
Sister, can you spare a breast?

So you've tried this before?

And they were so offended,
they banned me for life.

And the same thing
will happen to Tracy.

So you're sabotaging him.

Like I did to my niece when she tried
to sing at our family's Christmas party.

You know what, you and Tracy
deserve each other.

I don't know which of you
to be more disappointed in.

Me, silly.
I'm more aware of what I'm doing.

I'm sorry, miss.
Do you know where Liz Lemon...

Good God!

Lemon, those jeans make you look
like a Mexican sports reporter.

Do I know you
from outside the bagel store?

You probably know me from the future,
where I am the president of the USA.

Steve Austin, Rhode Island's
independent candidate for congress.

Oh, yeah, somebody forwarded me
one of your campaign ads.

The rebirth of America starts now.

My name is Steve Austin,
and if you're senile,

yes, I am
the six-million dollar man!

Paid for
by the broken vending machine.

I'm working with Steve's campaign,
and I would like you

to produce a biographical video
for a fundraiser I'm hosting.

Oh, my God!

I got a zappos box coming today,
and there's nobody there to pick it up,

my wife left me for my twin brother.
Can I use your phone?

- Yeah. You don't have a cell phone?
- Yeah, I got a cell phone.

I walk around all day with a CIA
tracking device in my pocket.

That guys is bananas.

He should not be in congress...
What are you doing?

He's running against Regina Bookman...
I need him.

So you're putting one more nut job...
Yeah, I said it... "one more".

I'm political in Washington
so you can advance your career?

What is going on today?
Has everyone lost their moral compass?

You're being awfully high and mighty

for someone who once claimed
her husband drowned

so she could get out
of a gym contract.

The whole Kabletown deal
is resting on this,

and Austin is pro-business.

Big business
is screwing up this country.

Please,
you work for General Electric!

Technically, I am a freelancer,

which is pretty much
a modern-day cowboy.

And I live like a cowboy by buying
quality, locally made jeans.

Also by eating beans
out of a can due to impatience.

You're on your own here, partner.
But hey, it's not all bad,

'cause you get
to watch me walk away.

That's not right. Why can't
the delivery guy just leave it out back?

Yeah, I know it's not a house,
but I sleep there.

I'd like to thank you for coming.

We've heard complaints
about the Sushi platter moving...

- We're working on it.
- I'm sorry.

Tracy would be happy to take
any softball questions you have,

like the following...

What films inspire you?

Well, definitely the foreign films.

Like the political ones where you think
there'll be no boobies,

then bam! Boobies.

What is an actor?

I think the better question is,
what isn't an actor?

A lamp. A couch.

That mirror.
Or a hidden pistol.

An actor...

And now, amidst a day of wonders,

one wonder more.

A special voters-only screening

of Hard to Watch,

based on the book Stone Cold Bummer,

by manipulate.

They call New York the Big Apple.

Never seemed that way to me.

I used to have dreams.

I was an all-city running back,

and I was gonna run out of here

to college,

the suburbs.

Now the only thing
I use a football for

is as a toilet.

Funny thing to happen
to a guy named "lucky."

I am a constitutional originalist,

and I believe that our founding fathers
had it right.

We need to get back
to their America.

No paved roads.

Rum used as an anesthetic.

- Legalized slavery.
- All right.

- Some good pieces.
- You want to see my hand gestures?

I have you listen to me!

Forceful conclusion.

There's work to be done.

Hand me that shovel
so I can dig a grave for her.

OK, let's cut.

Sir,

look at this Bookman photo op.

"Representative Bookman
greets young voters at Warwick mall."

She's courting the youth vote.
That means she's desperate.

My generation never votes.

It interferes with talking about
ourselves all the time.

She's running scared.
This could work.

Now all I have to do is whip Austin
into shape.

Jack, just to have options,
should we do a couple takes with Binky?

Let's take five.

You're really going ahead with this.

I'm not about to take criticism
from someone wearing that tee shirt.

Don't talk down Brooklyn Without Limits.
Stores like this are saving the world.

You're gonna lecture me
about big business again?

Do you know who owns Brooklyn
without limits?

Brooklyn Zack.
He throws pool parties in dumpsters.

Halliburton.
In the mid-'90s,

they found themselves with a surplus
of canvas waterboarding hoods,

so they had sweatshops make them
into messenger bags to sell

to outer-borough idiots.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Handmade in USA.

Your magic jeans are from BWL?

Lemon, it's not handmade in USA.

It's pronounced hond-made in oosa.

The hond people
are a Vietnamese slave tribe,

and USA is their island prison.

They made your jeans.

You know how they get
the stitching so small?

- Orphans.
- No!

Brooklyn Zack is real.

He just got back from Peru, where he met
a family that's been making hats

for 2,000 years.

We all make our compromises.

At least I'm doing it for our company,
for jobs.

You're doing it

for your ass!

I don't believe you. The liberal media
would have told me about this.

No such thing. The New York Times
is owned by NYT incorporated,

which is owned
by Altheon Ballistic Dynamics,

which is owned by the Murdoch family,
who are owned...

By Halliburton.

It goes all the way to the top.

How can you work here?
Do you know who owns this place?

Halliburton, bitch.
So what?

But look at you!
You're meticulously groomed, and...

you turned a tie into a belt.

So gay men can't be conservative?
You're so'norant.

That's short for "ignorant."
And who are you to judge?

You're still wearing those jeans.

Che Guevara...

If only you knew
what this place stood for.

His great grandfather
was Domingo Halliburton.

I haven't seen so many suits
since my trial.

I have an idea. I know these people,
so let me do the talking.

You know Ed Perlman.

Perlman, isn't that last name Jew...

New strategy.
I'll raise the money, you stay in here

and cultivate an aura of mystery.

Good idea. Maybe I'll add to it
by making some mysterious sounds.

I love it.

I'll go to jail in Deshawn's place

'cause he's my brother.

Don't say nothin'.

Sometimes you gotta do
the right thing...

Even when the wrong thing
is a whole lot easier.

Now let's just have one last

happy dinner together...

As a family!

Your mother exploded.

I got them right where I want them.

Time to do
a little Golden Globe shopping.

No, Tracy...
That movie

gave me drunk-in-the-bathtub face.

We need to talk.

Thank you for coming.

You were right
about Brooklyn Without Limits.

Crunchy on the outside,
right-wing nut job on the inside.

Like Anne Coulter's underwear.
But you're still wearing the jeans.

I know!

They look so good.
And I'm skyping later with Carol,

and we like to dance together.

I want to do this "back it up" move

that I haven't been able to pull
off since high school. It's like...

Back it up, back it up

And drop it like it's hot
drop it like it's hot

I will haunt your dreams

So fine, I'm selling out.
But so are you.

I believe in Steve Austin and his plan
to put a casino on the moon.

Then I believe in Halliburton.

Good.
So neither of us should feel guilty.

We don't.

Sabotage?
But I'm the one who does that to me.

I know, Tracy. It was wrong.
But I couldn't go through with it

because I saw your movie.

And I can't believe I'm saying this,
but you're great.

Wait, great like good,

or grate like the thing I dropped
my asthma inhaler down the other day?

The first one, Tray.

You are going to win.

And when you do, I'll be furious.

Like waking up next
to Rob Schneider furious.

But I don't care.

It's like you said in the movie...

Sometimes you gotta do
the right thing,

even when the wrong thing
would be a whole lot easier.

No, don't say that. In real life,
you have to make compromises.

No, Liz Lemon, it's like the thing
I said in another movie I made.

Compromises are for lesser souls."

"Die, werewolf zombie!"

So you two have decided
to do the right thing?

Fine!

I'll go home and change!

Take a last look, guys.

I would hit that.

Too small.

I believe we are all being held in

slavery by big government.

- Lesbian Mario brothers.
- I couldn't do it, Jack.

I just couldn't support BWL.

I'd already thrown
out all my other jeans.

That is the most unflattering item
of clothing I have ever seen you wear.

And I'm including 2008's turtleneck
with smiley-face vest.

But I feel good.
And not just because

in my shorteralls I found
a bag of tastetations,

a discontinued chocolate hard candy,

but because

"sometimes you gotta do
the right thing,

"even when the wrong thing
would be a whole lot easier.

"Die, werewolf zombie."

I will never allow casinos
on the moon!

Thank you!

Friend or foe?

You're the reason everyone came tonight.
They need to hear you speak.

In person.

From the heart.

Damn you, shorteralls!

Americans are a simple
but powerful people,

which is why I have written
a new national anthem.

Ooga booga big

ooga booga strong

I am going to sing
my ooga booga song

That's worse than the speech
my grandpa made

when my cousin
married a Japanese girl.

As if that weren't enough,

Austin was mocked
in Jay Leno's monologue tonight.

The kingmaker has spoken.
It's over.

- Bookman will be reelected.
- But you did the right thing.

At the end of the day, isn't that
more important than some merger?

Letting morality get in the way
of making money... I might as well go

and be a teacher.

I know what will cheer you up.
Would you like some cake?

Cake boy!

This has been
the best day of my life.

I believe

ketchup bottles
should be 500% larger.

We are all responsible
for heroes becoming terrible.

But what kind of jail
are these alien prisoners being held in?

We should bring back slavery!

And they're backed
by big corporations.

Animals can govern themselves.

Taken out of context.
It was exactly what I meant.

As God is my witness,

we will build casinos on the moon!