30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 2 - When It Rains, It Pours - full transcript

Hey, yo!

Back that...

[Loud drilling]

And you can...
[drilling]

While I...[drilling]
Off your...[drilling]

Disgusting, sir!

Would you talk like that
to your mother

or your daughter

or your surgeon?

Just because my friend
is blonde

and never closes
her mouth fully...



hey, I wasn't talking to her.

I was talking to you, glasses.

I bet you have...

[Drilling continues]

...Infected penis.

That has never happened
to me before.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Not because you're not cute.
You are...

like a pretty refugee
on the news.

It's because you've always
put out this negative energy.

But now that
you're with someone,

you're happy and confident.

Guys can sense that.

Confident, huh?



So can I finally wear
that cowboy hat

I bought at Kiss-FM's
lake jam '97?

Um...The point is,

being with someone makes
people want to be with you.

You know,
when it rains, it pours.

I want your feet in my mouth.

Both:
When it rains, it pours.

[Exciting jazz music]

Hello, "Javery."

Time-saver.

Lemon, we have news.

Like God, I created man.

We're having a boy.

That's great.
Congratulations.

Think about it, Liz.

Every woman my boy dates
will get compared to me,

and they will be found wanting.

He's very lucky
to have you as his mother.

I'll tell you why he's lucky.
He's got an old dad.

I'm sorry?

I had an old dad.
It was awesome.

I could get away with anything.

This is just what I need...

To store my rock collection.

Lemon, I'm not an old dad.

50 is the new 40...
For men.

But 50 is still 60 for women.

Whatevs, Tony Randall.

Whatevs, indeed,

because that makes you
Jack Klugman.

Damn! I'm a writer.

I'm messy.
I'm a loveable curmudgeon.

That is solid!

Advantage, Donaghy.

Hmm.

Rundowns are already out.

I can't believe how smoothly
everything's going

without Kenneth here.
I know.

Do you remember
my tattoo mishap?

It was supposed to say "peace,"

but they wrote
"white hooker" instead.

I forgot I was getting
it removed today,

but someone slipped a note
under my door to remind me.

Well, no one
could ever replace Kenneth,

but these new kids
are getting it done.

- Mm-hmm.

[Wolf whistles]

[Chuckles]

Liz, Tracy will not be coming
out of his dressing room today.

Oh, come on!
What now?

- I'm "werewolfing" myself.
- Sure.

You know when a dude knows
he's gonna turn into a werewolf

and locks himself into a jail?

Well, I'm embarrassed to say

I've missed the birth
of both of my sons

for very legitimate reasons.

- Cooking a French-bread pizza
and forgot.

So I promised Angie I will not
miss the birth of our daughter.

She was due yesterday,
so we're not taking any chances.

Grizz is guarding
the other door...

And reading.

Also, we took Tracy's
cell phone,

- his wallet...
- And my mood ring!

And I don't know
how I feel about that.

Well, I'm glad you're gonna be
there for Angie.

Good for you.

And good for you, Liz Lemon.

There's something
about you lately,

make me want to put
my feet in your mouth.

- It's your turn.
- What?

Editing hasn't sent up
the title sequence yet,

and it's your turn
to go down there.

God, I hate how much power
they have over us.

Who do they think they are...
mommy and her sisters?

Jeez, calm down.

They know we need them,
so they torture us.

How's it going?

I'm done, actually.

Okay, you know what?

I will take care of editing
from now on.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'll go down there,
turn on the new Liz Lemon charm,

a little Julia Roberts laugh...
Ha ha ha!

- What's in your teeth?
- Corn.

70, Lemon.

I will be 70 years old when
my son graduates prep school.

- Oh, come on.
Is this about my old-dad thing?

I was joking.

Will I even be there
for his first subpoena?

Will I ever experience
the father-son bonding

of realizing you were both

at the same masked orgy
in a castle?

I will be senile...
Or dead

for the better part
of my child's life.

Am I pulling this off?

I cannot escape death, Lemon,
but I will cheat it.

Whatever happens to me,
I must find a way

to speak to...
And guide my son,

even from the grave.

[Ghostly voice] Woo...

[Siren whoops] [gasps]

This is a test
of the fire system.

Please evacuate the building.
You coming downstairs?

And stand outside
in a crowd like some Italian?

I don't think so.

You know,
as floor fire marshal,

Kenneth always ran
the fire drills.

Who's doing it now?
One of the new kids, I guess.

[Thud]

This is a fire drill.

All NBC employees
exit to the Plaza.

I can't leave my dressing room
until Angie goes into labor.

But the president is saying
we have to go outside.

It's okay, Tray.

We'll all go down together.
Then we'll bring you back up.

Just stay with your grown-up.

If I were a real werewolf,

I'd wear baggy clothes

so my nice clothes
wouldn't get all torn up.

Same rule
for if I were the hulk.

I don't get why people
like brunch.

What's the benefit of combining
break dancing and lunch?

Tray?

You're not Grizz!

[Door shuts] Ah!

[Cell phone rings]

- Hello?
- I'm at the damn hospital!

Where is Tracy?

What?

[Groaning]

Good morning.
Now, full disclosure...

most of my experience
is putting babies in women.

Oh.
I'ma kill that man.

You just described my morning.

Now, Mrs. Jordan,

I've already administered
the epidural.

So would you like one as well?

- [Grunts]
- I am trying to help you.

My son...
You may not remember me.

I am your father.

This message is coming to you
either from beyond the grave

or because I am
in the grip of insanity.

The purpose of these DVDs
is to educate

and guide you through life
in my absence.

I will begin
with our shared history.

The Donaghys originally come

from Ireland's
little known county Steve,

where, historically, we were
whiskey testers and goblins.

I was raised
in Sadchester, Massachusetts,

I won the amory blaine
handsomeness scholarship

to Princeton

and then attended
Harvard business school

where I was voted "most."

I once hit a stand-up triple
off Fidel Castro.

I was the first person
ever to say,

"I need a vacation
from this vacation."

The song you're so vain
was, in fact, written by me.

In other words, I have lived.

In living, I have learned.

And now I want to impart
that knowledge to you.

I will begin with the basics.

You are hiking
in the Japanese highlands.

A pair of snow leopards
is stalking you,

and the blade of your katana
is frosted into its scabbard.

[Knock at door] What?

What's up, edit seven gang?

Ritchie, Donna,

[with uncertainty] Ray...

Split the difference,
but keep the music where it is.

- What are you guys working on?
- Piece for the today show

about how next month
is October.

Islanders, huh?
So you think they're gonna

end up trading...
[muttering] Francen fren?

Who, Matt Moulson?
They should.

I'm better than that clown.

- So you play?
- Do I play?

I go to islanders fantasy camp
every year.

- You must be a strong skater.
- Well, I can't go backwards.

But, yeah, I'm good.

- Were you in the army?
- Oh. [chuckles] No.

Better...
civil war reenactor.

Kind of an expert
at getting shot

by, uh, smooth-bore firearms,
you know?

Like... kah, kah!

Kah, kah, kah, kow!

Blah, hah!

Gah! Kaw! Kah!

Kaw, kaw!
Ah, death to Lincoln!

- Oh, so a southern gentleman.
- Oh, yeah.

[Imitating Elvis presley]
Well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

[Laughing wildly] Ritchie!

Yeah.
Yeah.

Cool hat, by the way.

Hey, uh, you know what?

Let's switch to the other deck.

I forgot I got to get
those TGS titles done

for Liz here.

I just got to get
to the hospital

and wait there!

Taxi!
Sir...

I don't have any money,

but I need to get
to Mount Sinai Hospital.

No problem.
Hop in.

Wow. It's like
I always say...

"white cab drivers
are weird."

[Fanfare plays]

You're in the cash cab.
It's a TV game show

that takes place
right here in my taxi.

Explain the rules.

You answer trivia questions
for money and a free ride.

But if you answer incorrectly,

the game is over,
and you're out of the cab.

So for me to be there
at the birth of my daughter,

I have to answer
trivia questions,

despite having gone
to middle school

in an exxon station?

Yeah.
You ready to play?

Bring it!

Your main titles, milady.

- Aha.
- And this...

Is a cd of some civil war songs
I thought you'd like.

It's very authentic.

So don't play it around
your black friends.

Well, thanks, Ritchie.

- Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Oh!
Wow, this is a nice hug.

[Breathes deeply]

Two becoming one, hmm?

[Chuckles]

Bam!
Blah!

[Ritchie laughing]

What the hell, Liz?
I thought Ritchie was lying.

You know, if you wanted
to cheat on Carol

with an Italian dude
who smells like cigarettes,

I've made it very clear I would
flip over my futon for you.

Not cool!

What is he talking about?

Okay.
It's not a big deal.

Ritchie has just been
telling the crew

that you two
are sleeping together.

- What?
- Your new vibe

is a double-edged sword...

much like the kind Mickey Rourke
tried to kill me with.

Great.
So that's what I get

for being happy,
for being nice,

and rocking a cowboy hat

that a Kiss-FM DJ
once called a "sweet lid"?

But you can't say
anything to him.

Are you kidding me?

If you do, he'll take it out
on TGS, on us!

I'll be here waiting for edits
till 4:00 in the morning

when I should be at home...

Which is the name of a bar
I found near the train station.

I'm sorry. You want me
to just take this for the team?

Please. You know he can make
our lives a living hell.

We all make sacrifices, Liz.

I had to be at work
this morning at 11:00.

Fine.
Fine.

Oh...
You got sauce on me!

You know, neighbors
who wear my exact size

don't die every day!

A gift from France
to the United States,

the statute of liberty
was completed in what year?

Come on, I don't know that.

You've got 15 seconds,
or you're out of the cab.

Okay.
I remember going to

the Statue of Liberty Centennial,

'cause that year
someone had spread a rumor

that she was gonna slip
out of her toga,

and I wanted to see
some green boobies.

And the mets had just won
the world series,

'cause that night,

I was randomly attacked
by a Mets fan

that I had threw a bottle at.

That was 1986.

And centennial is 100 years,

because "centipeding" means
having sex with 100 women.

I got it!
1886!

Yes!
That is correct.

Weighing up to 4 tons,

what type of mammal
is the famous shamu?

She is an orca, Benjamin.

Fyi, they're very difficult
to keep in a home aquarium.

- Right again!
- I'm coming, Angie!

Son, I may not be there
for your wedding.

It breaks my heart
to realize that.

But I want to offer you
one piece of fatherly advice.

Do not hire sting
to play the reception.

He'll insist on doing
jazz versions of police songs,

and it's just...

Demoralizing.

After I'm gone,

your mother
may meet someone else.

I want her to be happy, so...

His death must appear
to be accidental.

The secret to a strong,
healthy head of hair

is dove...Blood.

Remember, the backflip
is 90% confidence.

[Breathing quickly]

[Man sneezing]

Kenneth,
what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, sir.

I was just sweeping
your terrace,

and then you came in,
and I was trapped.

Just like the time
I was cleaning my closet,

and my mom
and her friend Ron came in

to take one of their
grunting naps on my bed...

hang on.

Are you sneaking in here
and working?

I know how much
you all need me...

stop right there.
Guess what.

Other people can figure out
how to sort the mail

and answer the phones...
we don't need you.

So move on with your life,
starting now.

That is called tough love.

Kenneth is now on a journey
that will either return him here

where he belongs or end...

In his death.

Juggling is easier
than it looks.

No. It is true.
They're doing it.

Oh.

And we have this just in to us.

Ritchie and Liz
spotted in tree.

Eyewitnesses report

K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

For more, let's go
to NBC's Andrea Mitchell.

Thank you, Brian.

Slut.

[Both chuckling]

[Elevator pings]

Who do you think you are?

Ritchie Tamuto,

islanders fan
and role-playing slave owner.

I know what you've been
saying about me...

that we're sleeping together?

You know what, Ritchie?

I'm actually seeing someone
right now,

and he's never around,
'cause he's a pilot.

His name is Carol.

That sounds really fake.

I know how it sounds.

And Carol is the reason
I was nice to you,

because for once in my life,
I felt like being nice.

Well, I don't care
how you punish my show.

It's over.
I take my hug back.

No, l-Liz, that is not
why I did it.

Oh, "reallo"?
I meant to say "really."

I misspoke.
Continue.

Oh.

[Whispering] Come here,
come here, come here.

Liz, are you familiar
with the phrase

"when it rains, it pours"?

I don't meet a lot of women.

Now, I started doing
fantasy hockey camp

and civil war re-creationism
to meet girls.

But I don't know
where they are.

So...Yes.

When you were nice to me,
I took advantage of it

to try to make
someone else notice.

Who?

My assistant editor...

Donna.

Oh, for seven years,

I've been sitting close enough
to touch her...

But a million miles away.

I am really sorry
that I did what I did.

But it's just that
I am in love with her.

I love her so much.

Oh, Donna!

Donna Straunk!

All right,
I'll make you a deal.

So many memories.

[Telephone rings]

Hello. Parcell
and a squatter's residence.

Where the hell is Tracy Jordan!

Mrs. Jordan?
Oh, I don't...

I'm out of my mind
on a lot of drugs right now.

Drugs during childbirth?

Isn't the whole point
feeling God punish you?

If that man is not
here for this, it is over!

You hear me?

The lazy Susan was invented
by Thomas Jefferson.

I know, 'cause I'm a descendant
of Thomas Jefferson

and lazy Susan herself!

The capital
of the United Arab Emirates

is Abu Dhabi.

I know that,
because if I go back there,

I'll be executed.

There are 12 tones
in the chromatic scale.

♪ I know that because
I'm a musical genius ♪

- This is how you throw a punch.
- Wait... what?

"And the tree was happy."

Shel silverstein
was a communist.

And that...
Is the art of camouflage.

And this is how
you make love to a woman.

Aah!

Aah!

Pull, Angie, pull!

I knew you wouldn't let
me down, baby.

[Imitating Tracy badly]
Of course not, woman.

I'm your husband.
Damn it!

I got to go feed the meter.

Aah!

Aah!
[both breathing forcefully]

Oh, hey, Ritchie.

Are we still on for
the music concert this weekend?

Liz, we need to talk...
About us.

Liz, we've had a lot of fun.

End it? Why?

But I need to end it.

End it? Why?

Without you around,

who's gonna satisfy
my sex needs... and then some?

[Chuckling] Oh, Liz...

You'll find someone.

No, I won't,
not someone like you.

How many guys out there have
a fully loaded Toyota tercel

or a real pinball machine?

How many guys
have been to Canada...

Twice?

Are you doing this to me

because I don't share
your love of unicorns?

Oh, Liz, don't blame yourself.

It's my fault.

See you in another life, kiddo.

I guess some other woman
will get to enjoy that water bed

that you're saving up for.

What's up, Ritchie?

Congratulations.
We're here, Tracy.

You made it!
Tracy Jordan... hero,

husband, diabetic/alcoholic!

Yes!

Hold on.
Let me unlock it for ya.

Am I pulling it right?

- Just let go of the handle.
- Okay.

It's still not opening.
Stop pulling it.

I'm trying to pull.
You keep saying "pull."

Tracy, if you're pulling on it

while I'm hitting the button...
What do you want me to do?

Yelling at me
ain't gonna make it better!

- Stop pulling on it!
- I'm freaking out!

[Baby cries] Good God!

What's wrong with it?

Oh, it's upside down.
My bad.

Well, Angie, you did it.

We did it.
I was here for you...

[thud]
'Cause I love you, baby.

And I will always
be by your side

no matter what discovery channel
game show stands in my way.

I wouldn't have missed
whatever just happened here

for anything.

I don't know what I'd do
without you.

And I mean it.

Why's that baby
covered with goop?

'Cause everything
about this is disgusting.

As you go through life,

I will always be here for you
through these tapes.

Also, I have given a great deal
of money to the catholic church

and have been assured
that I will have certain powers

in heaven...

sending messages
through animals, for instance.

In the unlikely event
that you encounter something

that is not covered here,

find a woman named

Elizabeth Lemon,
get her advice,

and then do the opposite.

[Click]

[Knock on door]

Mr. Donaghy, I am sorry,
but you are wrong, sir.

I am needed here...

More than I ever knew.

Very well.
I'll let h.R. Know.

No, sir.
If I'm going to return,

it must be
through the proper channels.

I'm going to reapply
to the NBC page program,

following standard procedures
for acceptance.

You do whatever
you want to, Kenneth.

I won't let you down, sir.

I really don't care.

Your ability to hide
your true feelings

is part of your great strength.

You ready for this, Jackie d?

As of today, yes.
I made all my videotapes.

Explain.

I'm not gonna be around
forever, Tracy,

so I recorded advice
for every scenario

my son could face.

Jackie D,
you want to make God laugh?

Make a plan...

Or read him a Dave Barry book.

You're worrying
about being old, Jack?

You could live forever,

but you still can't predict
what happens in life.

Wait a minute.

There's no baby in here.

Good God!

Oh, she's in the crib.

Good.

[Cell phone rings]

Avery, I'm with Tracy.

- We're having a damn girl!
- What?

That Russian skank
read the ultrasound wrong.

Oh! I'm just so worried

about her spatial reasoning
and upper-body strength.

Jack, talk me down.

I'm having a girl!

I hate to say I told you so...

So welcome to Miami.

I've gotta make new tapes.

My daughter...

I am John Francis Donaghy.

I am your father.

If you have the blondness
and self-esteem of your mother,

you will need no advice.

Life will be easy for you.

Otherwise, I'd like
to introduce you to...

Elizabeth Lemon.

Good afternoon.
Let's jump in.

Every human has hair
on his or her face.

Some of us just have more.

I think it's nice
to occasionally splurge

on a straight-razor shave.

If you're running low
on laundry,

a bathing suit makes perfectly
acceptable underwear.

Bandanas are a fun,
sexy fashion accessory.

- This is over.
- Let me give my reasons.

Put potato chips on a sandwich!