30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Fabian Strategy - full transcript

As season five of TGS begins, Liz and Carol are forced to confront their relationship, Jack and Avery battle over home decorating, Jenna becomes a TGS producer, and Tracy struggles with life at 30 Rock without Kenneth.

No, Tom Jones, no.

- Lemon, it's Jack.
- Who's Jackie?

Avery and I just got back

from the most amazing vacation
on Paul Allen's yacht.

And for four glorious weeks,

my naturally blonde
lady love and I basked

in the three "S"s...

- Surf, sun, and...
- Sandwiches?

We didn't need sandwiches, Lemon.

It was so warm you could pick
fully cooked lobsters out of the water.

{\pos(192,240)}Sheer bliss.

{\pos(192,240)}Avery is the most perfect woman
ever created.

{\pos(192,240)}Like a young Bo Derek

{\pos(192,240)}stuffed with a Barry goldwater.

{\pos(192,240)}You sound weird.
Do you have a beard?

{\pos(192,240)}Not for long.

{\pos(192,240)}It's back to reality.

{\pos(192,240)}No more making love on the beach

surrounded by a privacy circle
of English-trained butlers.

But I've got to get out of island mode
and back into work mode.

- How was your summer?
- Get this,

my gynecologist committed suicide.

And I'm back!

I'm about to take off.
I'm in Lambert, St. Louis,

and I can see the arch from here.

No, wait, actually
that's a half-burned-down McDonald's.

Anyway, weather's great,
and I just have to go

St. Louis-Newark,
Newark-Atlantic city,

Atlantic city to Newark,
and then I'll be there.

Who flies Newark to Atlantic city?

Black bachelorette parties.
Gotta go.

I'm calling to say

that I'm giving you 110% this year.

I'm relaxed,

I'm focused, and I'm gonna be
churning out the good stuff

- like you've never seen.
- That's great, Tracy.

I misdialed. I thought
I was calling my nutritionist.


Season five. Here we go.

{\pub}What about office supplies?
Can you come down 5% there?

I'll try.

We're {\already }printing all of our internal
memos on the back of my kids' art.

{\pos(192,240)}In order for this merger
to stay attractive

{\pos(192,240)}to our friends at Kabletown,
we have to seem

{\pos(192,240)}like a sexy, profitable company.

{\pos(192,240)}And we're almost pulling it off.

{\pos(192,240)}The Harry Potter theme park

{\pos(192,240)}is a huge hit
with both anglophiles and pedophiles.

{\pos(192,240)}The movie division has a {\James }Cameron movie
{\the whole world}everyone will see, {\whether}even they don't like{\ it or not}.

Only NBC continues to be
the engorged whitehead

{\pos(192,180)}on the otherwise flawless face
of Universal media.

{\pos(192,220)}Why are you spending
so much money on wigs?

Tracy's head size keeps changing.

{\pos(192,220)}Hang on,
what is this pay increase for Jenna?

Oh, boy.

{\pos(192,220)}As we enter the fifth season of TGS...
{\and remember, n}No one {\ever }thought we'd make it this far...

- I believed in us.
- That was {\actually }an oversight.

{\pos(192,220)}Jenna has some crazy stuff
built into her contract

{\pos(192,220)}that kicks in now.

{\pos(192,220)}Like what?

Eye contact.

{\pos(192,220)}"Everyone must make eye contact
with Miss Maroney at all times."

{\pos(192,220)}- She also gets a producer credit.
- It's just a vanity credit, Lemon.

A low-cost way to make someone
feel more important.

Like executive producer
Ashton Kutcher,

or secretary of state
Hillary Clinton.

Am I late for the producers meeting?

Eye contact.

First day back's
gonna be a busy one.

{\pos(192,220)}First, I need you to go
to the dry cleaners for me

{\pos(192,220)}and find out how martinizing works.
I've always been curious.

{\pos(192,220)}Then I need you to be back by noon

{\pos(192,220)}to make the bathroom smell
like sandalwood before I wreck it.

You got that, K-pax-o-gum?

I'm not Kenneth, sir.

My name's Brian. Kenneth got fired
at the end of last season.

Of course.
I knew that.

{\pos(192,200)}Good meeting.

- How are things with Carol?
- Good.

{\pos(192,220)}Did you know that if you're a pilot,
that chili's will seat you right away,

even if the pilot's dinner companion
has just been yelling at the hostess?

You are the Jackie O of our time.

{\pos(192,220)}And pilots get all these travel points
at Starwind hotels.

The one in midtown
has free Internet.

He doesn't stay with you{\ when he's here}?

Why would he?
Those Starwinds are nice!

I mean, the bathtubs are
so much cleaner than at home.

- I don't know how they do it.
- They clean them.

You are not
in a real relationship, Lemon.

I hate that word "relationship".
It's almost as bad as "climax".

{\pos(192,220)}You can't just do the vacation part.

{\pos(192,220)}At some point you have
to go home to the same house,

unpack your dirty laundry,
and have a life together.

Then one of you says,
"we should redecorate."

And the other one says, "please, Avery,
I'm using the commode right now."

She wants to redecorate?
She just moved in.

Avery has opinions.
I love her for that.

Unfortunately, she wants to repaint
the upstairs hallway

in a strie faux finish
called "husk".

I prefer the color
that's already there...

A reddish-brown shade
called "elk tongue".

Tell her no. It's your house.

This is how I know you've never had
an adult relationship.

If I say no,

then I will be required to say yes
to something else in the future,

and the stakes{\ in the future} might be higher.

Then say yes.

If I give in, then I'm no longer
the Alpha in my house.

Before you know it, she'll have me
wearing jeans and reading fiction!

Yeah, well, yes and no are kind of
your only two choices.

For most men, sure.
But there is a third option.

- The Fabian strategy.
- I know this.

If an apple and a feather
fall at the same time...

The Fabian strategy derives its name

from the Roman general
Quintus Fabius Maximus.

He ran away.
Rather than engage in battle,

he would retreat and retreat
until the enemy grew fatigued

and eventually made a mistake.

Although I abhor it
as a military strategy,

it is the basis for all
of my personal relationships.

So Avery is your enemy.
That sounds healthy.

You're in no position to judge.

Meeting someone in a hotel room
twice a month

is not a relationship...
just ask any hooker.

Stop saying "relationship"!

I'm sorry,
I was going to say "climax".

A line item budget.

I love this.

It takes people and turns them
into amounts of money.

Except for Tracy,
I'm the most person on the show!

- What do we do now?
- Jack wants me to keep the budget flat,

but I don't want
to deny people their raises.

You should fire Grace from wardrobe.
She doesn't do anything.

Fire Grace?
{\Come on, y}You'd have to be a heartless monster...

I'll do it.

Grace, your position has been
terminated, effective immediately.

But I've been here
since the Jack Paar show.

Your health insurance will remain
in effect until the end of {\this}the sentence.

Come on. Chop chop.

What a shank job.

I knew you'd come back!

Let me smell your head.

Come on!
This is a woman's blazer

from a very expensive
blazer shop called Rico's.

I'm sorry, but my heart
is playing tricks on my eyes.

Just like my kidneys did
to my lungs that time.

- Are you okay?
- I keep hallucinating Kenneth.

Am I going crazy again?

Should I get
my rainbow wig out of storage?

No, Tracy, it's normal.

Kenneth was very special to you,
and now he's gone.

The next time you hallucinate,
just tell yourself,

"this is not real.
I am in control of this."

Like the world cup.

I'll try.

This place is too full of memories.

I gotta clear my head.

We've only been back to work,
like, an hour...

And bye.

Liz, get in on this.

Would you rather have
to start every sentence you say

for the rest of your life
with Urkel's catchphrase,

"Did I do that?"

Or be siamese twins
with Sharon Stone for a year?

Did I do that?

You ever join the mile high club?

Try five miles high.

And no, I have not.

Did you ever see a UFO up there?

No, but {\once, }when I was in the air force,
I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut.

- Was the air force like Top Gun?
- Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball.

- You ever kill anyone?
- Sucked a mechanic into my engine once.

Are you on Facebook?

And these are for you.

Passenger left them
in the first-class lavatory.

I couldn't get a room
at {\any of }the Starwinds this weekend.

You think it'd be all right
if I stayed at your place?

Of course.
I'll just have to run home first

and take some plates
out of the bathroom.

But it would be nice
staying together at your place, right?

Yeah, it'll be a fun...

step for us.

I just can't believe
that every Starwind suite{\ in the city} is taken.

Me neither. {\The lady said t}They're all booked up
for something called Jackfest.

How many rooms did you book?

It's for your own good. I {\just }want you
to have what Avery and I have.

I am a grown woman.

I have been doing things
my way for a long time.

I don't like my life stuff
mixing with my dude stuff.

A middle-aged woman
saying "dude stuff"...

Is that on my sadness
scavenger hunt?

Why, yes, it is.

Carol and I enjoy

our separate-but-intersecting
lifestyles. It's perfect.

I'm like that woman
on the food network

whose husband only comes home
on the weekends,

and she spends the rest of her time
eating,{\ and} drinking with her gay friends.

Her name is the Barefoot Contessa,
and you will never be like her,

starting with the barefoot part.

I'll have you know
that I wore sandals this summer,

over socks... in a dream.

Welcome to The Late Show
with David Letterman.

Please have your tickets out.
And now, as with all studio audiences,

we will sort you
according to attractiveness.

Front, front, back,

balcony, front, front...

You do not exist!

I'm in control of this!

Want to watch TV?

Stop. Wait. No.

The Barefoot Contessa.
I love{\ this show}.

Me too. This is one of the three things
in the world I like...

- Ina Garten, sweater weather, and...
- When Muppets present at award shows?

- Yes!
- Me too.

We really see eye to eye
on a lot of stuff, don't we?

Absolutely. I've never met anyone before
who had the exact same idea as me

- about what to do with Palestine.
- It would work, no?

Of course{\ it would work}.

And don't you agree that our situation
is perfect right now?

We have these great visits together,
but{\ then} we still have our separate lives.

We're like Jeffrey and Ina.

I can't live like this anymore.

I'm not like Jeffrey Garten.

I'm not as strong as that guy!

I need to know
where this relationship is going,

and I can feel you resisting it.

No, it okay.

Don't be cry.

I'm a pilot, Liz.

You know,
I've spent my entire adult life...

just casual girlfriends
in different cities.

I can't go from woman
to woman to woman anymore.

How many women have you been with?

I'd rather not say.

It's shameful.

I mean, I'm a pilot.


That's not so great.

I want grown-up love!

{\pub}- Hello?
- Thanks.

Carol had a complete meltdown
about the state of our relationship.

I can't believe
I tried to clean my bathtub for this.

{\pos(192,250)}No, this is healthy{\, Lemon}.
Where is Carol now?

{\pos(192,230)}I finally got him to sleep.
I had to spoon him for, like, an hour.

{\pos(192,230)}And I was the outer spoon.

{\pos(192,230)}Welcome to adulthood.

{\pos(192,230)}As for me, I have successfully retreated
for another day.

{\pos(192,230)}When Avery got home{\ from work},
I noticed{\ that} she had some paint samples

in her purse,
so I immediately asked her

if her sister had done anything crazy{\ lately},
and guess what... She had.

Avery talked about that for{\ about} an hour,

her anger eventually transforming
into some rather interesting sex.

And now she's sleeping{\ peacefully}

while Fabius
has retreated to his den,

where he is drinking scotch
and playing snood.

Does Avery's work email
go right to her phone?

- Why?
- Nothing.

Just sending her
a link to this cool site...

Don't! She keeps her blackberry
in bed with her.

And send.

Damn it!

It has to be elk tongue!

Jenna promotion is the greatest thing
that has ever happened{\ to me}.

Do You understand
how much free time I have now?

Yesterday, I went to the gym.
And this morning,

I made love to my wife.

And she was still asleep,
so I didn't have to be gentle.

That's one of the most upsetting things
I have ever imagined.

Are you sure?

Think about it again.

Liz, the writers can't take
a car service at night anymore.

I've crunched the numbers,

and it's cheaper for us
to{\ just} replace anyone who gets murdered.

So did Avery

like my wallpaper idea?

She did.

- So why are you happy?
- 'Cause the Fabian strategy is working.

Every new pattern Avery showed me,

I would simply say,
"yes, I like that one too."

{\And }She was so overwhelmed
with the choices

that she made a mistake.
She suggested that we consult

her old college friend,
who's an interior designer.

He's coming here
to meet with me today.

His name is James.

Not Jim, not Jimmy...

- Jamessss.
- I get it.

She's sending her army
into unknown territory.

And I am flanking her...

With these.

Have you seen my eyes{\, Lemon}?

They're very blue.
Like a Mykonos sky.

Mark Foley once called them

Avery has really made
a misstep here.

Do you know what a prize I am
in the gay community?

There's a term for it.
I'm a bear...

And I'm a daddy

I'm a daddy bear.

{\Just }One hour of flirty chatting with James,
and you know what I'll get.

Not a Glaad award{\, I know that}.

Elk tongue.

I'm glad to hear that you've almost
vanquished your girlfriend.

And you versus Carol...
how's that going?

I don't know.
We had a pretty emotional breakfast.

He says he's leaving early now.

- I don't know what to do.
- I know it's difficult.

But{\ now } you have an adult decision to make.
Would you rather

let go of your precious autonomy,
and let Carol into your life?

Or would you rather teach your cat
to dial 911?

First of all, I'm tired of playing
"would you rather."

And second of all,
you know

that I have life alert.

I pushed it.
I need a phone.

Mr. Jordan.

Please stop.

You're not real.

If I threw you in front of a car,
it would drive right through you!

No... Sir!

I am real!

Would an imaginary me know
that you have a mole

on your list of pets to get?

Or that your favorite color
is rainbow?

Of course it would.
It would know anything I knew

because it sprung
from my imagination.

Sir, it's really me!

I missed it!
Do it again!

I love you, Ken-word.

Why don't you come back home to TGS

and pick the peas out
of my fried rice?

And the rice.
I just want carrots.

I can't do that, sir.

But don't you miss rubbing my foot back
into the shape of a foot?

Of course I do.

But I'm real happy here at CBS.

They gave me a tote bag
with the mentalist on it!

I guess this is good-bye.

I'm going to need the tote bag.

Tell me,

which one of these do you like?

Because with my untrained eyes,

the striae is bland,
and the...

Wallpaper just looks busy.

I don't know.

Do you see something...

here that you like?

It's so frustrating.

I think I found a way to get
the budget down to where Jack wants it.

That's my girl!
You are en fuego.

I was looking it over,
and I've realized something.

There's one too many producers{\, Pete}.

OK, I get it.
But please...

I have five kids...
That I don't want to be at home with.

No, Pete.

It's me.

As great as I am at this,
I'm not really necessary.

The last time I said that,{\J'anticipe ? mort sur le "hmmm"}

I was in a three-way
with two of the Backstreet Boys.

You can't quit.
I'll take a pay cut.

We can fire Liz!

This is hard for me too, Pete.

But it's because
I'm a genius producer

I know that you have to fire me.

Take my producing fee

and amortize it to cover the gaps
in transport and electric.

Hey, Liz, would you rather...

Be with the person you love forever,

but you always have to wear
a shirt made out of their pubes,

or be alone

{\for }the rest of your life,
but you get to wear whatever you want?

Shirt of pubes.

I thought you left.

I came back.

I had to kick an obese teen
off the flight to get a seat,

but I really wanted to talk to you.

I'm not sorry you saw me cry.
I'm an emotional guy.

That's{\ actually} not even part of my personality.
That's something happens

to people who change altitude
more than four times a day.

Is that also why you got{\ so} mad watching
the giants game?

No, that was because why does Geico
have three different spokespeople?

They have the caveman, the lizard,
and{\ then} the stack of money with{\ the} eyeballs.

And the fake Rod Serling guy.

My God, right.
Thank you.

{\I mean, }You see how good we are together?

Look, Liz, I want this.

But if we're gonna go for it,
we gotta

move forward a bit with each visit.

Two minutes to air.
Cast, please set yourselves.

You have to get back to the airport,
I have a show.

How do we move this forward
in the time allotted?

{\All right, }Let's each say one thing
about ourselves

that the other person doesn't know
on the count of three.{\,all right?}


One, two, three.

- I'm on a{\ waiting} list to adopt a kid.
- Touched by a priest... it's fine.

Wait, what?

- That was a step.
- Yeah.

See you October 14.

Cast for "would you rather"

set yourselves, please.

I never thought
you'd make it this far, Lemon.

I know, season five...
We were supposed to get canceled.

Not just the show, I mean you.

You're in an "adult dude" situation.

You're wearing a beautiful blazer
from Rico's husky-boy collection...

Is that what ragazzi robusti means?

I'm just{\ saying} I'm happy for you.

Thank you, Jack.

And I'm glad that you're getting
to keep your wall "elk tongue."

Actually, no. The fabulous James
and I came up with an excellent idea.

We're taking that wall down.{\That way}
So we can make the{\ master} bedroom closet bigger

and gain
a nice architectural symmetry.

You think maybe
that's what Avery wanted all along?

Hannibal defeated Fabian
with a decoy army.

James was a plant.

The striae wall finish was a decoy.
She Hannibaled my Fabian!

Lemon, Avery and I

are perfect together.

Whiskey and hunting.

"Soul mate"

doesn't even begin to do it justice.

She's my...

She's your pube shirt.

Pube shirt.

That's our show.
Good night.

{\Good }Night, Miss Maroney.
{\Good }Night, Mr. Jordan.

{\pos(192,200)}Good night, TGS band,
with your funny-smelling dressing room.

Good night, bear!

{\pos(192,200)}Good night moon...
Soon park from accounting.

Good night, Miss Lemon.

Good night, Mr. Donaghy.

I lied to Mr. Jordan.

{\pos(192,200)}I miss you all so much.


{\pos(192,200)}Is it really you?

{\pos(192,200)}Sure is.

{\pos(192,200)}Wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

{\pos(192,200)}What? No!