30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 3 - Let's Stay Together - full transcript

Jack must appear before Congress to discuss NBC's merger with KableTown. He hopes that he will charm celebrity members, but one Congresswoman, Regina Bookman, demands more diversity in its programming lineup. Jack quickly enlists Tracy to come up with some new development ideas. Meanwhile, Liz is fed up with the flack her writing staff gives her, and Jenna helps Kenneth reapply to the extremely competitive Page Program.

Look at this.

The writers put it on my door.

I don't know
what that's referring to.

It's referring to this one time
that I got a chemical peel before work,

and I was wearing a red
and green sweater and a fedora.

But these

have been doing this for weeks.

"Lez Lemon."

- First thought.
- "Winona Ryder in a hundred years."

- Weak.
- "Fart Barfunkel."

- Indian food.
- "Paul Simon."

I don't get that, but it hurts.

I love a good joke, but I am their boss,
and, at a certain point,

it crosses a line.

To quote Rodney Dangerfield,

"Hey, I... "

If you're about to say

that you don't get any respect,
you're right.

I mean, in a post-apocalyptic world,

how would society even use you?

Traveling bard.

Radiation canary.

I have to run.
I have an appointment in Washington.

The hearings on the Kabletown-NBC deal
are underway,

and the company has entrusted me

to be their front man.

Will you ask congress
where they put the USA network?

I've been trying to find monk for,
like, three months.

The only thing I will be discussing
with the house subcommittee on baseball,

quiz shows, terrorism,
and media is vertical integration.

What's vertical integration?

Imagine that your favorite
corn chip manufacturer also owned

the number one diarrhea medication.

That'd be great,

they could put a little sample
of the medicine in each bag.

Keep thinking.

Except then they might be tempted
to make the corn chips give you...

- Vertical integration.
- That should not be allowed to happen.

It's my job to make sure
it does happen.

Do you know who gets elected
to congress these days?

Former athletes,

washed-up actors, and women.

I'm locked and loaded and ready
for whatever these beltway throw at me.

If we have to stay and there aren't
enough rooms, we have to share a room,

I forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in
and the stores are all closed...

Liz, quick question
about the Johnny Appleseed sketch.

Does it hurt it
if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed?

Yes. Why?

Appleseed was a real guy,
and his descendants are very litigious.

So here is a list of the names
that legal says we can use.

Jerry Bananaseed.

- And nothing else.
- So what are my choices?

Either I argue with legal or I spend
all day writing something else?

- Does anyone care how hard I work...
- We can't use Jerry Bananaseed.

Someone with that name
killed a bunch of nurses.

You're back.

I need you to get me
something called vagitrax.

It's for dry knees.

I wish I were back, miss Maroney.

I'm reapplying to the page program.

But it's a lot harder
than my first time around.

It's gotten really competitive.

You shoulda seen what I saw
in Mr. Winerslav's office.

Your interview will be Thursday.

Is there any a/v equipment
you'll be needing?


Inside Schwartz 21

Hill street blues, wings is fun

Golden girls, quantum leap
outsourced is the new friends

The process used to be dignified.

Now it's just a pageant.

Just a pageant?

That's like saying a guy is cool
because he has just a speedboat.

If you need help winning a pageant,
you've come to the right place.

If it'll get me back
into the page program.

When I was pageantizing,

my mother told me there's three things
standing between you and winning:

Your breasts
and wanting it bad enough.

I'm not sure that applies...

We've already started.

And this deal

will count as a 39%

bump variable
against an 11% increase

- of synchronized flexibility.
- Sir,

my name is Rob Reiner.

And before I became a congressman,

I dabbled in television,
won a couple of emmys.

And I believe that my experience
out there in Hollyweird

gives me a special insight
into these types of deals,

particularly when it comes to...

- Say it, meathead.
- Vertical integration.

The dreaded V.I.

Bad for america, kills innovation,
drives up prices.

Is that it?

I guess that's why big oil and Microsoft
are such great American failures.

- What?
- Dare I say

vertical integration drives down prices
by streamlining

the process.
Consider the farmer.

He owns his land, the equipment he uses
to harvest his crops,

the truck that he uses
to drive that product

to the farmer's market where he sells it
directly to the consumer.

Is that not vertical integration?

1:32 p.m.

Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen,

that congress put a bullet

in the head of the American farmer.

No! You win!

The acclaimed director

of when Harry met Sally
would never do that.

As always, it's been a pleasure.

Mr. Donaghy, one last question.

Why is NBC so racist?

What else can you do?

Oh, everybody born
before Jesus is in hell

- they went straight...
- Enough.

I'm gonna have to reinvent you.
Break you down completely

and build you up from scratch.

Just like Mickey Rourke
did me to sexually.

But miss Maroney,
I don't want to be reinvented.

I want to be me.

All right, first things first.

Can you lose that goony accent?

I don't know, ma'am.

You made me think about it,

and when I get to thinkin' 'bout it,
it juh get worse.

I represent Rhodes Island's
first congressional district.

It's a diverse community,

from the hard-working moms
and dads of Smithfield

to those spoiled jags at brown

to a thriving, flourishing Italian
criminal community in Providence.

It's my responsibility to make sure

that public airwaves
represent the face of my public.

Now, one question,

why is it that NBC looks
about as diverse

as a Wilco concert?

I would point to

Sunday night football,

which features many black players
and coaches.

And we have Anthony Anderson,
the star of law & order,

which is entering its 21st...

Why did we cancel that?
That doesn't make any sense.

Mr. Donaghy, this may just be
about money to you,

but, as a member of congress
and a black woman...

I don't really see color or gender,
Mr. Chang.

I feel I have an extra duty,

not just to my constituents,

but to future generations.


unless I see some serious change
at NBC and soon,

I can guarantee you this deal
will not happen.

Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.
Peas and carrots.

Rhubarb. Rhubarb.
Peas and carrots. Rhubarb.

Dotcom, you run
Tracy's production company, right?

Yes. Dotcom productions.

That's Tracy Jordan
spelled backwards.

I need programming
for the African-American community,

and nobody knows
that demographic better than you.

Don't worry about it, Jackie D,
I'm on it.

Call Grizz. I need someone around
who's not just a yes man.

Whatever you say, Tray.

Come on, Walter.

What is going on?

Representative Regina Bookman
is using the Kabletown hearings

as a soap box

from which to complain
about a lack of diversity on TV.

Well, she has a point.

I was reading the new Malcolm Gladwell
New Yorker piece on my kindle.

- Did you really read that?
- No.

I really resent
the congresswoman's accusations.

I've long been
an advocate for diversity.

It's made this nation great.
The Chinese built the railroads,

the Irish built
and then filled the jails...

A guy named Juan built my armoire.

Diversity means new ideas
and new markets.

It is our best hope
for true innovation.

Did you tell all that to Bookman?

I was too busy trying to remember
the name of the black kid on community.

- D'nall glover.
- It wouldn't have mattered anyway.

The thing was just political theater.
You should have seen

her grandstanding.

The future and america.

Now I may have lost my train
of thought several minutes ago,

but if I continue to talk like this,

no one will notice, and when I stop,

you will applaud my energy.
Thank you.

I can't let Bookman jeopardize
this deal.

Tell me about diversity at TGS.

Well, Lutz claims to be Inuit.

At least that was his explanation
when I found his poem about snow.

And Toofer?
Is he any good?

I mentioned this to you 100 times,
but he went to Harvard.

So we know he's smart and superb
at masturbation.

Is there any way we can give him
a promotion of some kind?

Make him co-head writer.

I always figured he'd take over for me
when I die at my desk.


Yeah. Let someone else
share the total lack of respect,

deal with the meetings, the complaining,
the stupid Johnny Appleseed sketch.

You are not doing a sketch
on the Appleseed family.

Monty Appleseed and I share
a liquor locker at the opera.

I forgot my doctor said
no more frustrated noises,

'cause it makes my vocal cords go...

Now it's gonna be like this all day.

There you are.

I've got hair extensions for you

and a body shaper
with a reinforced penile sleeve.

Miss maroney, please.
My feet are killing me.

I am trying to help you, Kenneth.

Believe me,

I wish you weren't such
a Houston foreclosure of a human being,

but I need to tear you down

and turn you into someone
that can actually win this thing.

They hired keyboard guy?

He's not even recycling properly.

Miss Maroney, wait.

So what do we want to see on TV?

I personally love cop shows.

I can't wait for law & order
to start back up.

It was a tentpole!

A tentpole!

Here's something I've been working on.
It's called Let's stay together.

After the Al Green song.

It focuses on an African-American
family in Detroit in the '70s.

Motown, the auto industry,
Vietnam, Watergate.

Let's stay together
is not just about a family

trying to stay together,
but also a nation.

- What if there was a talking dog?
- I'd like to see that

incorporated into your rewrite.

Meeting over.

Thank you, NBC

For all the laughs and tears

Once home to Kelsey Grammer

The golden girls, My name is Earl
The A-Team and cheers

So shine on

And thank you NBC

A top-ten network.


Let's dig in, cohorts.

It means the badger in Spanish.

I'm not sure who did it.

Toofer's a head writer sign
on his door.

It's great.
Good for him.

Oh, God. Tejon face.
Is this about the TV interview?

What TV interview?

It's nothing.
It's just a local cable show.

If my co-head writer
is being interviewed, then so am I.

Aqui viene el tejon!

The only thing that worked
in the read-through was the dog.

- How's production going, Tray?
- Good. And there's a lot of buzz.

Can you hear it too?
Or is my tinnitus acting up?

That food
is for Dotcom productions only.

TGS's food is backstage.

But they don't have women's sports bars.
Men can have cramping too, you know.

Mr. Donaghy, I have
representative Bookman on the line.

- Representative Bookman.
- I'm in New York right now.

Some colleagues of mine and I
are taking meetings on Wall Street

and then we're doing
a Sex and the City walking tour.

Magnolia bakery?
Oh, sorry, hips.

It looks like I'll have time to stop by
and continue our conversation.

Good. I welcome it.
As I was trying to say the other day,

this company has
a long-standing commitment

to diversity and inclusiveness.

I had dinner with Don Imus last night.
He told the following joke...

Good-bye, congresswoman.

I can't believe they rejected me.

Of course they did.
The bridge was supposed to be

maxi Ford, Cincinnati,

Cincinnati, double-time
shim-sham-shimmy, toe punch.

I don't know what you were doing.

- I'm sorry, miss Maroney.
- And where was your sparkle?

You embarrassed me in front
of all the other mothers.

If you think you're going to sizzler,
Jenna, you got another thing coming.

You'll be practicing in the garage
until the school boat comes.

If I hadn't seen you come out
of me in that parking,

I'd swear you weren't my daughter.

Oh, my God.
What just happened?

- I think you just turned into...
- Let me get there.

I've turned into my mother.

And I turned you into me.

You're welcome.
But it was wrong.

- To make it up to me...
- Let me get there!

To make it up to you,
I am going to get your job back

or my name isn't
Yustrepa Gronkowitz.

I mean, Jenna Maroney.

Welcome to Right On.

I'm your host, Rutherford Rice.

With me is my co-host
Shirley Thomas.

Our topic for today

is African-Americans
and their roles in the Mia.

Our first guest is James Spurlock,

head writer
for TGS with Tracy Jordan.

Good day, tri-staters.

Co-head writer.

And also with us is someone
named Elizabeth Lemon.

Thank you, Rutherford.
It is a pl...

I can tell that you're off me.

Do you think
the system is broken when it is news

that an African-American man

is a head writer
for a network TV show?

I think I can answer that.

Another question
that we could be asking

is why isn't it a big deal
that a woman is a head writer.

I would argue that TV

is more of a boys club
than a white club.

I like your dress.

Do you have to wear a bra with it?

I will let you get back to Toofer.

- Who's Toofer?
- I don't know.

James, when people think of TGS,

they think of Tracy Jordan,
Jenna Maroney,

the mysterious crew deaths,
the Angela Lansbury lawsuit.

What they don't think of is you
working long hours late into the night,

giving up any semblance of a life.

James Spurlock,
you can finally take your bow.

You are right on's
Arthur Ashe of the week.

You know what?
I get it. I shouldn't be here.

I should have realized that when I saw
the masks, the picture of black Jesus.

- That's me in college.
- All righty.

All right, I said I was leaving.
You don't have to have your boss come...

That's a security guard.
That's not great.

Sir, representative Bookman
is on her way up.

- Jonathan, what did we talk about?
- But, sir, I was born in Palo Alto.

I will go get her, sir.
A thousand apologies.

Jack, it's an actor me-mgency.

I want to get Kenneth
back into the page program,

but whatever this is won't let me.

What? Who care Jeffrey,
just hire Kenneth back.

- But Mr. Donaghy, the only...
- I don't have time for this. Do it.

Representative Bookman,
welcome to NBC.

This is the perfect place
to begin our tour.

Studio 6H, home to one of NBCs
biggest stars, Tracy Jordan.

We met at the congressional black caucus
fundraiser you crashed your moto into.

And thank you, representative.
What you're doing is very important.

I can assure you that NBC is committed
to making diversity a priority.

Then just walk away
and don't try to kiss her,

Tracy, and don't say that last part.

You eat from your own table, remember?
Our food is separate. Separate!

I'll kill you, white devil!

Let's just head this way.

So how was your flight?

this is Jeffrey Winerslav.

He heads our diversity
and hiring initiative.

What's the latest
from H.R., Jeffrey?

I'd like to tell you
that we filled the minority slot

in the NBC page program
with a native American fellow

named wants to get sandwiches,

but you made me hire
that guy instead.

Oh, brother.

Mr. Shoelace, you're being silly.

You call that a diversity hire?


That young man is a hillbilly
with a girl's middle name

and, because his county
never rejoined the union, a foreigner.

Now you're untied?
Have you two been talking?

There's James.

- Attention, everyone.
- Give me a break.

I present you, James Spurlock,

with the 2010 Tavis Smiley

in broadcasting award.

Thank you for making us all smiley.

How long have
you been head writer here?

One day.

And who is the real
head writer of this show?

I am.

Tell me, you obviously
lonely and tired woman.

Do you have to put up
with this nonsense every day?

They say 90% of the work
is done by 10% of the people.

- Thank you for being that 10%.
- You're welcome.

After what I just saw, you may be
the only person here I respect.

You get an
"I met a congresswoman" sticker.

- Finally. That's all I wanted...
- This country was founded

on certain principles.

- Oh, brother.
- Freedom,


America, flag.

Now I might not ow
where I'm going with this,

but I know
we will get there together!

Who loves pizza?

Congresswoman, a word.

I was putting on a show.
I was tap dancing.

- But you made me tap dance.
- Did someone say tap dance?

What was I supposed to do?
This is a multibillion-dollar deal.

There are thousands of jobs at
stake, hundreds of second homes,

and your ridiculous grandstanding
could ruin the whole thing,

like luffing your spinnaker
during a yachting regatta.

- I know I'm not helping myself.
- Sorry. Grandstanding?

Do you not think I believe in this?

It's just political theater.
You're up for reelection.

Yes, maybe I get carried away
sometimes with my love

for this great country
and the troops and the flagtroops...

- You're doing it.
- And I apologize.

But I only talk this way
so I can get people to listen.

I care about these issues.

And so do I.

If you just give me a chance
instead of ambushing me

in front of the congress
and my own employees.

You think I don't take diversity

Only a fool doesn't.

Diversity is the engine
that drives this country.

We are an immigrant nation.

The first generation works
their fingers to the bone making things.

The next generation goes to college,
innovates new ideas.

The third generation...

snowboards and takes improv classes.

We always need people
who are pulling themselves up

by their bootstraps.

I did it.

And it's my job to help others
do it too.

How do I know you really mean that?

- And me, you're not grandstanding?
- I'll show you how.

Unless you give me a real reason not to,
I'm voting no on this deal.

Then I've got three months
to change your mind.

I'll show you that this company...

I'm cutting
that fat cracker's head off.

I'm part eskimo.
Hate crime!

Three months.

We were here first!

They closed the plant.

I gave those people 30 years.

I didn't even get a watch.
All I got was this pink slip.

You think you got it hard,
I've got two dates tonight.

Stanley, even for a dog,

you are a dog.

Great fix, Grizz.

Ain't life a bitch?