30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 16 - TGS Hates Women - full transcript

Wonderful news, non-famouses!

My publicist just called from rehab.
I made the Internet!

JOANofSNARK. It's this
really cool feminist website

where women talk
about how far we've come,

and which celebrities
have the worst beach bodies.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

"Comedy's Freshest Female Voice"!

Take that, Courtney Thorne-Smith!

That's not about you. That's about
some stand-up named Abby Flynn.

- Wow. Lady!
- Pretty nostrils!

How do I find me?



Computer! "Jenna"!

Well, here's your article.

"Why does 'TGS' hate women?"

What? How can they say that?
We love women.

With Tracy gone,
our last episode was all Jenna.

This is Amelia Earhart.
I'm almost across the Pacific...

Oh, no! My period!

I'll now take questions.

Oh, no! My period!

Let's nuke England!

But that is an ironic
reappropriation...

I don't know anymore.

And this started as a show
for women, starring women.

At the very least,
we should be elevating



the way women
are perceived in society.

Oh, my period!
You're all fired!

Jack, do you think I hate women?

Absolutely.
But it's not your fault.

You are genetically predisposed

to compete against other women

for the attention of strong,

powerful men like myself

or others very similar to me.

For example, Hercules,
the Highlander, or God.

I want to roll my eyes right now,

but the doctor said if I keep doing it

my ocular muscles might spasm

and eject my eyeballs.

Female jealousy
is an evolutionary fact, Lemon.

You're wrong. I support women.

I'm like a human bra!

Which is why I want to hire

a young comic named Abby Flynn

to come on as a guest writer.

No, you are not budgeted...

She's got good energy.
Hire her immediately.

See? I'm not threatened by the fact
that men are attracted to her.

Please, Lemon. It's got nothing
to do with her hot mouth.

Every organization needs
new blood once in a while.

Like Hank Hooper says in his book,

"New blood is the lifeblood
of every company's blood."

He's not a strong writer.

Hank Hooper. Isn't that the guy
who outbid no one for NBC?

Yes, he's the CEO of KableTown.

But he won't be forever.

And some day, when he steps down,

I intend to succeed him.

Well, believe in yourself,

and you'll reach your goals.

I read that on a bottle

of women's exercise water.

It's not so simple. KableTown
is a family-owned company.

There is a potential successor,

so to get what I want,
I must find a way to destroy her.

Her? It's a woman?

Well, not exactly.

Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper,
I'm 14 years old,

and I'm waiting in line to meet

Justin Bieber because he's...

I'm sorry, your new rival
is a 9th-grade girl?

How old is Hank's wife?
Is it a second marriage?

Why do men always marry
someone younger?

- Because they can, Liz!
- Get a grip, Lemon!

Kaylie is Hanks Hooper's
granddaughter.

Her parents' generation was lost
to "Trust Fund Kids" disease.

The aunt smokes pot and "paints,"

and her father is trying to sail

an inflatable castle
across the Atlantic.

I have to ensure that Kaylie
makes similar choices.

So you're trying to destroy
a 14-year-old?

I am trying to guide a 14-year-old.

Maybe I can help her realize
some other life goal.

To become a doctor's nurse,
or a lawyer's mistress,

or even the President of the United
States Shopping Association.

Wow. Typical.

Meanwhile, I'm helping women
achieve their potential,

because "potential" is the difference
between what you can't do

and what can't you do!

Did you get that off
of a bottle of water?

No, I sent it in but AquaFem
did not choose it!

Okay, word is this Abby Flynn thing
is really happening.

- Girl coming!
- This is a big opportunity for us.

She does not know
how much we suck.

But she'll find out soon enough.

I mean, how long did it take
the women here?

I don't know, how long does it take
to see something?

I mean, light travels
at 186,000 miles per second, so...

No, duh.
Being ourselves doesn't work.

So to have a chance with Abby,
we're creating new identities.

I'm going to pretend to be rich.

And I'll be a dangerous bad boy.

And I shall be British.

'Cause chicks dig British guys.

Sir lan MacKellen?

That dude must be
knee-deep in boob!

And if you guys
don't go along with this,

Lutz will play X-Box Kinect
with his shirt off again.

Star jump! I found the chrysalis!

Rich. Bad boy. British. Got it.

- Nice!
- All right!

Now, you may have heard
of J. Fred Muggs,

the chimpanzee that was
on the "Today" show in the '50s.

But what most people don't know
is that NBC is still a network.

Speaking of television, is that
a field you'd like to go into, Kaylie?

Work with your grandfather?

I agree. TV is boring.

So do you have a favorite subject
in school, Kaylie?

You don't want to hear
about school. It's dumb.

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Kaylie?
School's cool.

Just like Justin Bee-eye-bear.

Well, I've never told anyone
in my family this before,

but my dream is
to be a marine biologist.

My favorite fish
is the cleaner wrasse!

And I even tried to get it chosen
as our school mascot,

but, well, I was outvoted,
so our new mascot is a slut.

So, you're interested
in marine biology.

Hmm, who do I know?

You've probably never heard
of the explorer Bob Ballard...

You know Dr. Ballard?

He discovered the Titanic,
the Lusitania,

and, according to his website,
a guilt-free cheesecake recipe!

I'm also on the board of the
American Museum of Natural History.

If you like, I could have Dr. Ballard
give us a private tour of the museum.

Oh, my gosh, Mr. Donaghy!
That'd be so cool!

Okay. Now please follow me
to Brian Williams' bathroom,

which is also J. Fred Muggs' skull!

Okay, guys, Abby's on her way up.

West Ham drew nil-nil at Wolves?!

Stop that!

Are you guys changing
your personalities for Abby?

Is she here yet?

You are married!

Okay, this is exactly
the kind of male douchebaggery

that is about to take
a real hit around here.

Don't you know I'm talkin'
'bout a femolution?

Tracy Chapman.
She's a woman, right?

It's a new era at 'TGS'.

Let's see the blogosphere
try to say I hate women now!

Look at all these dudes!
I knew I smelled sausage!

- Yes!
- Abby?

I'm Liz.

Liz! Thank you!

Oh, our nips touched!
Mine are so hard!

Mine are different sizes.

Abby, these are the writers.

Oh, where's little Abby gonna sit?

I guess I'll have to sit
on somebody's lap.

You can sit there.

- Eenie...
- Please, God.

- Meenie...
- Come to mommy.

- Minie...
- Me, pick me.

Moe.

Give me strength, oh, Oprah.

When I first started working here,
an 8-year-old Shirley Temple

taught me how to roll a cigarette.

Lemon, who thinks gesturing
with one's thumbs is for poor people

and is going to be the next CEO
of KableTown?

This guy!

Already? What'd you do to her?

Nothing. She wants to be
a marine biologist!

Kaylie is playing
right into my hands.

I also had a youthful fascination
with exploration,

and I know exactly what any
14-year-old science geek wants to do.

Practice frottage on a poster
of Linda Ronstadt,

and meet your idol.

Like I met Jacques Cousteau.

I will never forget
what he said to me.

Huh. I did forget.
It was so long time ago.

When I was a kid I got to meet
the "Where's the Beef" lady!

With my connections, I can make
Kaylie's dreams come true.

I should dig up my old
shell collection and give it to her.

Complete the seduction after
Bob Ballard and I double team her!

- Word choice, Jack.
- Withdrawn.

Lemon, is that
the new woman you hired?

Is it cold in here, or is it just
that I'm not wearing underwear?

She should be careful
around the crew.

New York gives us a tax break
for employing sex offenders.

It's a terrible program.

What is that?

Ow! That is Abby Flynn.
She's a guest writer.

She's being hot and doing baby talk.

I invented that!

Summer of '98 I took it
to a whole new level!

There can't be two of us, Liz.
She must be destroyed.

I don't know how I get here.

No, Jenna,
that is exactly the problem.

Men infantilize women,
and women tear each other down.

Exactly. I'll start by spreading
a destructive rumor about her.

Like the famous one
I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis.

That she has two butts!

Look, you and I actually want
the same thing.

But we're not going to destroy Abby,
we're going to fix her...

Yes, like you fix a dog!
We'll sterilize her!

No! I'm going to show Abby that
she doesn't need to act like this.

Hi, I'm Jack. It's nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Abby. Hi.

Whatever.

So, what do you think, Kaylie?
Oceanography's a pretty cool life.

I can't believe I'm talking
to Dr. Robert Ballard!

You're not.
"Bob" is short for "Bobert".

Oh.

Oh, my gosh!
An anglerfish!

"Lophius piscatorius."

That was my favorite fish as a boy.
Look at those teeth!

You know, that's a female.

The male is much smaller,

and is basically a parasite
that lives on her!

Until mating, of course.
Then the male dies.

Yes, the scientific term
for that is "marriage"!

Don't tell Gina I said that!

The ocean really is
the final frontier, Kaylie.

And we keep finding new things!

Giant tube worms
that breathe hydrogen sulfide.

Arctic jellyfish.

Oh, and a chemical in kelp

that scientists think might one day
cure ice cream headaches!

There is so much left to discover!
And you could be the one to do it!

I kind of envy you.

Youngsters are the future
of ocean exploration, Kaylie.

I mean, I'm not gonna live forever,

no matter how much gold
I give Poseidon.

That's why I'm making you
a student argonaut!

I can't believe this is happening!

You already speak dolphin.
Excellent!

Is there an age cutoff
for the Student Argonauts?

What if you gave me
a sticker as a joke?

You know, Mr. Donaghy, it seems
like you really love this stuff.

Maybe you should have been
a deep sea explorer.

Oh, no, Kaylie.
That was just a boyhood fantasy.

I'm an adult now.
I don't have fantasies anymore.

Kaylie, this way.

There she is, men!

The elusive northern right whale!

Blow the wind westerly,
let the wind blow

Oh Derry, hi Derry,
Hey Derry, ho

Jack! Jack!

- Yes, sailor, what is it?
- We're moving on.

Hey, Liz!

Abby, thanks for meeting me here.

This place is very special place
to me.

Is this where you got
your V-card punched?

What? No!

Does this look like the makeup
room of a clown academy? No.

This is a statue,
and I know you know this,

of Eleanor Roosevelt,
First Lady to the world,

champion of the rights of women,

and the lid
on my high school lunch box.

Look, I know it can be hard.

Society puts a lot of pressure on us
to act a certain way.

But 'TGS' is a safe place.

So you can drop the "sexy baby" act
and lose the pigtails...

But I like my pigtails.
My uncle says they're sexy...

Enough with the gross jokes!

And that voice!
I want you to talk in your real voice.

This is my real voice.

And all the "sexy baby" thing
isn't an act.

I'm a very sexy baby.

I can't help it
if men are attracted to me.

Like that homeless guy.
He likes what he sees.

Okay, that could be for me.

It's not. It's for her.

Abby, I'm trying to help you.

Really? By judging me
on my appearance and the way I talk?

And what's the difference
between me using my sexuality

and you using those glasses
to look smart?

I am smart. I placed out
of freshman German!

Or Lutz using that sexy
English accent to get me in the sack.

No, you didn't! Lutz?
Is that even possible?

I mean, I was there
when he Belvedered!

God, Abby, you can't be
that desperate for male attention!

You know what, Liz?
I don't have to explain myself to you.

My life is none of your business.

Except it is
because you represent my show

and you represent my gender
in this business.

And you embarrass me.

Kiss!

Dude, I am sorry,
but this is who I am.

Deal with it.

Now, are we gonna give the gentleman
what he asked for or not?

Kenneth, when I'm gone, how do
you think people will remember me?

Actually, sir, I've already started
to compose a heroic ballad

commemorating your life.

Slaves of Jesus, hear my tale

I'll tell you what they'll say.

"Hey, remember Jack Donaghy?

He sure wore a lot of suits
and went to a lot of meetings.

Now power down,
conversation robot."

Sounds like you're asking
some pretty big questions.

When I have problems,
I like to talk to the man upstairs.

Unfortunately, Mr. Guzelian got put
in jail for attacking his father.

I mean, what are we
put on earth to do?

Sit behind a desk?
I'm still young, Kenneth.

I could devote the time
I have left to other interests.

Let Kaylie run KableTown.

I'll join Ballard's crew
and become a scientist-adventurer!

Now that would be a legacy!

I hope my legacy is
a "Sesame Street"-type TV show

that promotes illiteracy in girls.

This could be me.

"Remember Jack Donaghy?

He was the world's
greatest oceanographer.

And we walruses owe him everything
for giving us the gift of language."

No.

All right. Your time is up, friend.

I'm taking control
of this Abby situation.

No, Jenna, I'm not done.
Check this out.

I'm thinking to myself, "Whatever
happened to the erasable pen?

Besides pencils, who's saying
that was a bad idea?"

I've always thought that,
but I never had the courage to say it.

Is that Abby?

I knew her boobs were fake!
And that baby voice is fake, too!

You know, as someone
who speaks very na-tu-ra-lly,

I'm offended.

She's taken on
a whole new identity.

She changed her nose, her teeth.
She even changed her name!

It's not Abby Flynn,
it's Abby Grossman.

Well, that's understandable. I mean,
"Grossman" is a little "bagel-y".

Abby used to be a strong,
smart, beautiful woman.

Why did she turn herself
into that baby hooker?

Children's book idea.
"Baby Hooker".

Don't tell Liz.

Well, I am confronting Abby
with this in front of everybody.

Oh, that's vicious!

Forget my idea.
Yours is so elegant.

No, Jenna. For the last time,
we're helping her.

Say no more. Got you, boss.

Who else is on the call?

Katherine Scott, Sales.

Andy Hoberman, Web Sales.

Gil Coughlin, Oversight.

I've got everyone
from Meeting Planning.

Tricia, Maria, Greg,
Greg P., Lyle, Edwin.

This is Charles.
I'm on for Douglas.

No, Charles...

Mr. Donaghy?
What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing,
but that would make no sense!

Where did you get
this picture of Cousteau?

That? The Internet.

This picture exists
in only two places.

The negative is in my personal safe
along with my will

and some Beanie Babies
that I thought would be worth more.

Or it can be found in the right book.

Hey, what are you doing?

Quiet, chalk-hands!
A real man is talking.

Why do you have this, Kaylie?

Why are you reading
my autobiography?

Well...

Same reason you were reading
Pop-Pop's book.

Researching the enemy.

So it's true.

I was trying to make you think
you didn't want to run KableTown,

while you were doing
the same thing to me.

What a super sleuth.

You're just like Vanessa from
the "Vampire Detective Mysteries".

I'm not familiar with that reference,

but I assume that Vanessa
is some kind of cool genius.

You don't even like
the ocean, do you?

I hate the ocean.
It's for tools!

The ocean's awesome
and for winners! You are for tools!

You can't beat me, Mr. Donaghy.

You worked your way into this world,
but I... I was born into it.

I breathe it.

So watch your step,

'cause I can always tell Pop-Pop
you gave me alcohol.

And I can always seduce
one of your teachers

and get her to fail you.

- I'd be into that.
- Me too!

Better pick up your books
or you'll be late for class.

This is my free period.

Well played.

Megan, books!

You know what sucked
about my last lesbian orgy?

Right in the middle of it,

one of us had to get up
to go use the bathroom,

and then we all had to go!

Okay, there's something
everyone here needs to see.

Abby, you might want
to sit down for this.

Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas!

On a chair! Come on, Sue.

Abby, this is for your own good.

Open apple, tough love time.

Has anyone ever actually had
a good time at brunch, you know?

Is that you?

I don't know where you found that,
but I am taking it down.

That's what she said!

Okay, first of all, Steve Carrell
owns that's what she said.

He owns it.

And second of all,
it's time to stop hiding.

A young person helped me
online post this

on JOANofSNARK. Com.

You stupid meddling bitch!

Yes! There's your real voice!
There's Abby Grossman!

To quote Eleanor Roosevelt,
"We are all..."

Do you understand what you've done?
You have signed my death warrant!

How's that now?

My ex-husband is gonna see this,
he's gonna find out where I am,

and he is gonna try to run me over
with his car again!

I changed my appearance
to get away from him!

Oh, 'cause I thought it was,
like, pressure from society.

You're right, Liz. I was "hiding".

From a man who went insane
after getting electrocuted

while watching
"Sleeping with the Enemy".

I was cut out of that!

And, yeah, Liz, I am
"desperate for male attention."

Because I feel safer having men
around in case Troy comes back!

That is why I slept with Lutz.

And I shall protect here.

Is there an "Abby Flynn" here?

That's her, Troy!
I'm on your side! Get her!

Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy.

Okay. First of all, I think
we all owe Abby an apology.

Oh, my God, it's from him.

"I thought this box would be
the perfect size for your head.

P.S. I was electrocuted again
while watching 'Seven'."

Great. I have six hours
to start a new life.

I'll have to be a redhead this time.

Oh, I don't know.
With your coloring...

You know what?
Don't listen to me.

You must really hate women, Liz.

Liz Lemon is a Judas
to all womankind!

Okay, we were on page six,

where Wonder Woman
gets her period.

Tonight's tag's gonna be a nice
wrap-up scene between Jack and Liz.

After all, they spent the whole
episode

trying to help young women.

But first, I would like to correct

some of the science we saw tonight.

There's no oil in kelp that helps cure
ice-cream headaches.

No, the only thing that will cure
ice-cream headaches

is having sex on a motorcycle.

Kaylie was not speaking dolphin.

When a dolphin expresses
excitement,

it sounds like this:

Okay, we've had a lot of fun tonight,

and it's not over.

In the time remaining,

we're gonna go now
to that Jack-and-Liz

wrap-up scene I promised you.

Well, Lemon...

[Dinsdale]