30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 17 - Queen of Jordan - full transcript

Previously on "Queen of Jordan"...

Don't tell me I can't sing!

What the... have you ever done?

Who the... are The Beatles?

I know what you said about me!

Please. I don't even think about you!
You're nothing!

I know the photo shoot
for Randi's dog's funeral

is the wrong place to tell you this,
but I'm going to Africa.

It's my way 'til payday.

D'Fwan, glue in the business wig.

I have an important meeting
with Jack Donaghy from NBC today.



D'Fwan forgot his catchphrase!

Since Tracy is off
helping people in Africa,

I finally have a chance
to focus on me.

That is why I'm launching
my music career.

It has been my dream to be a singer
ever since I was a little...

drunk the other day
and rented out a recording space.

Oh, Angie, thank you for coming in.

NBC could not be happier about
"Queen of Jordan."

For the first time in six months,

we beat all
the Music Choice channels.

Except, of course, Latin Beats.

Well, Angie's thinking
of the next move now.

As you know, my single,
"My Single is Dropping", is dropping.

What's happening?



My single is called
"My Single is Dropping".

And it's dropping.

Angie, "My Single is Dropping"

is the reason I wanted
the three of us to meet.

With Tracy gone, 'TGS' will be airing
another "Best Of" special.

Actually, Legal says we can't use
the word "best."

Either way, the studio is free.

So I thought you would have
your release party there.

You would perform and Lemon here
will help put it together.

What? No!

I thought we were here to talk about
getting Tracy back from Africa.

Look, I love Tracy,
but he is work.

Angie, look what the banister
did to me!

Do you know how much
of my time he wastes?

Let's roleplay!

Tracy, we're gonna be late!

I hope Tracy doesn't come
home for months.

"Months"? No, we can't make it
that long without Tracy.

You can't do this!

Are you giving me orders?

Am I the waiter?

Is this the restaurant

that I'm opening up with
Dennis Rodman and Webster?

No, I just thought
you would be on my side.

"Yes we can!" Obama '08!
Remember?

Look, this is a very complicated...

As an Executive of KableTown
and NBC Universal,

I am ordering you
not to use that footage.

John Francis Donaghy.
Verbal signature.

Angie's single release party
is tomorrow night.

It seems like the perfect place for me
to reveal my shocking secret past!

No, we're not writing

a tearful admission about you being
a call girl in Delaware.

Write it yourself.

For your information,
I am a Christian illiterate.

- So that's not an option.
- You know what?

I'm not getting sucked in to your
crazy reality show nonsense.

Liz.

I'm so mad
at you for that thing you did!

Am I trying to instigate fights

by throwing wine at people
just to get on camera?

And maybe also promote
my new lifestyle website,

Jennas-Side. Com?

Of course not.

I mean, is wine throwing something
that even gets you on a reality show?

God, Jenna, I told you
not to buy that domain name.

Say it out loud.

Jennas. Side, "genocide."
I'm not hearing it, Liz.

Hey, guess who's getting out of jail?

I don't know, but I hope they
didn't collect two hundred dollars.

Lynn Onkman. Remember her?

Oh, sure,

that hot teacher from Queens
who had an affair with her student.

Oh, my God!

Check out this picture.

Frank, is that you?

You never said you
were in Lynn Onkman's class.

Sure I did.

What?

Do you know the kid
she had the affair with?

No. Yes. I don't know.
Shut up.

It was you!

I don't want to talk about it!

Well done, sir!

Guys, a teacher preying
on a student is wrong...

Yeah.

...if the teacher is male
and the student is female.

What happened to Frank
is awesome.

Standing ovation!

You don't understand! It was love!
We were in love!

I need to look good for my party.

And I refuse to wear anything
in my size or appropriate for my age.

Lemon, a word.

Ham!

Wow!

If only Tracy were here,
he'd be like,

"Damn, woman,
I wanna make love to your neck!"

Don't do impressions
of other races.

Roger that, Angie.

I'm in charge of setting up
for Angie's party.

'Cause I'm not just
a gay hairdresser.

I'm also a homosexual
party planner.

Mr. D'Fwan, Party City

does not sell "giant see-through
clocks or strap-on Pegasus wings,"

so I got this
paper pineapple instead.

Hey, girlfriends!

Why don't we all have some drinks

and talk about how I think
Portia has no class?

You heard me, Portia!

Uh-uh.

I will not be in the same room
as that woman.

Is this about what happened
in Atlantic City?

I didn't say it.

You did.

- I didn't say it.
- You did.

I didn't say it!

You did!

I didn't say it.

You did.

Excuse me?

Um, I'm looking
for Francis Rossitano?

Oh, snap!
That's Lynn Onkman!

Portia reads the papers.

Mrs. Onkman?

Frank R?

Yeah.

Michael.

Are you back on meth?

No. Why? You got some?

Think fast!

Nice catch, Dotcom.

I am sick of being disrespected
by that man.

Sick of it!

Yeah, I was an athlete.

Very graceful.

Sports stories? I've got some.

Oh, I'm meeting
my friend Greg for lunch.

Again?

When I was at Princeton,
I played baseball and football.

And back then, football
players went both ways.

Really?
So, you "went both ways"?

Yeah! We all did.
It was the '70s.

So when you played baseball,
were you ever on the DL?

Yeah. I was on the DL
most of my junior year.

DL can mean "disabled list,"

but it can also mean "down low,"
or "secretly gay."

Which one was Jack talking about?

When we were on the DL,

we spent most of our time
in the whirlpool,

getting rubbed down.

You were you a switch-hitter?

Switch-hitter, pitcher, catcher.
Whatever the boys needed!

I think I've made my point.

I drank all the throwing wine

and I have something
to say to Portia!

I know what you said about me!

Good. Because I'm concerned
about you.

Even though we just met,
I can tell you're an alcoholic.

Come on, Portia!
I wanna fight!

I have battled my own demons.

And you need help.

No! I don't need any help.

I am in denial
about my disease

and I don't know
what would change that!

Drunk actor brainstorm!

I'm going to make Pete host
an intervention for me.

It'll be all about Jenna.

Drama, crying,

the beauty of redemption,
perhaps a song.

This is the best day of my life!

I'm sorry, you want me
to perform in this?

Yeah, you're Amy Grant
from the "Baby Baby" video.

The one where the man
likes her at the carnival!

That's some white nonsense.

Too bad Tracy's
not here to take your side.

He'd be like,
"Damn you, Liz Lemon!"

We discussed this, Elizabeth.

Yes.

Anyway, I've got the auditions
for your backup dancers.

Good.

'Cause I'm looking for dancers
who can dance for 15 seconds,

'cause that's how long my song is.

What?
That's my wedding video.

Oh, no!

I must have mixed up
the DVD discs.

Ugh, well, we'll just have to watch it
anyway and see what feelings arise.

Angie,

just start!

Are you wearing handcuffs, Tracy?

Hey, can my friend, Trines,
come with us on our honeymoon?

What?

Okay, I should have watched
that first.

Do you see how exhausting
that man can be?

Yes, he has his flaws,
but I know you two love each other.

Yeah, and with him gone, our
relationship has never been better.

So, he can stay in Africa
for as long as he wants.

I'm on Angie time now.

Frank and Lynn's story
really moved me.

So I let them
have their reunion date

at the strip aerobics studio
I bought

with the money I got
after that cop shot me.

What else did you miss in prison?

Oh, they kept remaking "The Hulk"
and it kept getting worse!

Could we talk about something
other than comic book movies?

Sure.

I thought about you a lot
when I was away.

And I still remember the moment
when we fell in love.

You were administering
a scoliosis test to the class.

And you lingered
on my spine.

Frank, why did you bring me here?
And who is that woman?

A friend. Continue.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't bring
you to my place.

My mom's there and she
still wants you to rot in hell.

You live with your mother?

Yeah, otherwise who would
wake me up for work?

What's wrong?

Frank, the boy I fell in love with

was the most amazing eighth grader
that I've ever met.

And I couldn't wait to meet
the man that that boy became.

But you haven't grown.

You're still talking about superheroes
and video games

and why Seth Logan shouldn't
have played the Green something...

Hornet!
Yeah, and it's "Rogen."

It's like you're stuck.

Oh, I wonder why I'm stuck!

What could have happened
to me when I was 14

to make me
never want to grow up?

Inside voice, Frank.

And I refuse to take
the blame for that.

I lost everything to be with you...

Well, this is who I am.

If you don't like it,
then what's the point?

Now, may I be dismissed?

Okay.

I thought this was a meeting
to discuss your spinoff

where you do
matchmaking for wealthy dogs.

I lied.

D'Fwan thinks that maybe
you're not being true to your you.

I know what it's like to live a lie.

I used to be in the military.

But I was unfairly thrown out

because I went berserk
around all those dudes

and tried to bang everybody.

It has come to my attention
that some of what I said yesterday

may have been misconstrued.

"Going both ways" in football
means playing offense and defense.

And there was nothing gay
about the Princeton fight song!

Oh, the merry men of Princeton
are charging up the rear

holding all the balls...

Okay, I hear it now.

Regardless, I am not gay.

Or clumsy.

So your little show has nothing
with which to embarrass me.

That was the chair!

Here, I'll show you.

It was the chair.

What is this?

Jenna, everyone here
loves you very much.

But because of your drinking,
we feel like we're losing you.

Is this an intervention?

We all agree it's gone too far.

Kenneth, Richard Esposito,

your two psychics...

Wait, you're seeing
another psychic?

I mean, I knew that.

No! I'm not doing this!
I'm leaving!

Read your letters.

Jenna, everyone has written
you letters that they'd like to share.

"Ms. Maroney, your addiction

has negatively affected me
in the following ways.

Number one:

I was so worried I forgot to write
the rest of this letter.

Thank you."

I mean...

Webster, we need to talk.

Your check didn't clear.

Excuse me, is that my computer?

No, I was just, um...
No, pinwheel! Not now!

Are you on my e-mail?

- Are you e-mailing my husband?
- I can explain.

I'm asleep right now
and think that that's my computer.

Huh? What? Where am I?

"Tracy, as your wife,
I'm ordering you to come home."

I know this looks bad...

"The kids need you and I want to give
you all the sex things you like."

- You don't have to read anymore.
- "For instance...

...doing it across the bed
instead of up and down."

- I saw that in a movie.
- "Come home now.

Sho 'nuff. Angie."

"Sho 'nuff"?

It's a first draft.

Are you trying to trick Tracy
into coming home?

Were you trying to trick me
with my wedding video?

Listen.
You're not in charge.

I am.

Mind your own business!

Yeah, well Tracy is my busin...
Ow!

- Come on!
- There's more where this came from!

I'm contractually obligated
to pull out some bitch's weave

eight more times this season!

It's not a weave!

God!

It's the beauty of redemption!

Jenna, will you accept the help
we're offering you today?

Of course!

Today is the first day
of the rest of the my life.

Jenna, this is Charles.

He has his van waiting outside.

How nice.

He's going to take you to the airport
and then fly with you

to the Alternatives Treatment Center
in Minnesota.

Well, of course.

'Cause that's how interventions end.

And I can't back out now,
otherwise they can't use any of this!

Oh God!

Anyway, that's why I did it.

One, to see the fear in her eyes.

And two, without Tracy or Jenna,

we can file a claim against
the show's insurance

and keep getting paid
without working.

So, this is kind of the best day
of my life.

After my second husband
shot me the second time,

I realized that love is the most
important thing in the world.

I just hope Frank
does the right thing.

Oh, Frank.

How did you know
where I worked?

It's one of the benefits
of being in love

with a registered sex offender.

Frank, about what happened
at Randi's strippercise studio...

No. You were right.

I have been afraid to grow up.

Whoa, what are you doing?

I'm throwing out my kid stuff.

I want to become the man
you waited for.

The man you helped cheat on the
Presidential Physical Fitness Test.

Well, if you didn't get better
at the shuttle run,

they were going
to put you in the hospital.

Oh, no!
That's your favorite, you can't!

Skeletor's not my favorite.

You are.

Are you throwing toys
in the fryer?

You're fired, Onkman!

Now give me a waiver to sign!

The world has to be educated
about Blurry Face Syndrome!

Angie has changed her hairstyle
since this last photo was taken,

and D'Fwan is a queerfectionist.

Wow.
She gets a whole window?

Wait, what used to be there?

Oh, Angie!
A Queen of Jordan indeed.

Jack, I also suffer
from irritable bowel syndrome.

It was the chair.

I hope you're not this clumsy
on the dance floor!

I am not clumsy.

You know why you're so tense?

Because you have a secret
locked up inside you.

A man-sex secret.

You know what? I give up.

If this idiotic show
insists on portraying me

as some clumsy gay flatulent,
so be it.

I am extremely secure in my
athleticism, my masculinity,

and my rectal integrity.

Mm-hmm!

"Mm-hmm" indeed, D'Fwan.
I know who I am.

So if you want to dance,
it would be my pleasure.

Yeah, he's straight.
That boy cannot dance.

I know what D'Fwan
said about me and it is on!

I'm a superb dancer!

At Princeton, I played Maria
in an all-male production

of "West Side Story."

Oh, forget it! You people should be
ashamed of yourselves!

Jenna, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on a plane.

I explained to Charles

that I was just pretending
to be an alcoholic to get on camera.

And we laughed,

and he said I can drink
as much as I want.

So, cheers!
To good friends!

You're insane!

In the lobby, she pulled a wrench
out of her purse

and hit me over the head!

I will never go to Minnesota!

"My Single Is Dropping" is not
just about a single dropping.

It's about a woman learning to fly.

A woman who doesn't need a man.

Or anybody.

Except Josh
at Sidney Bernstein Management,

Sidney
at Josh Bernstein Accounting...

Shut up, Angie!
Just shut up!

I'm sick of your selfishness!
People's jobs are at stake!

I'm selfish? You are a joke!

And everybody thinks so!

Let me talk. I am talking!
Will you let me talk?

Can I talk for once?

You need to call Tracy right now

because I know that he is your man,
but he is my man, too.

And 'TGS' is my family
and my family is thick as thieves!

Now who here
wants to teach me how to fight?

Attention, everyone!

I found a glove in the elevator.

If anyone is missing a glove,
I may have found your glove.

Angie, I'm so sorry!
I didn't mean to make you cry.

No, It's not you, Liz Lemon.
It's them.

I miss my weird love.

- But he won't come back.
- What?

I've been trying to get Tracy
to come back ever since he left,

but he won't.

So I sit and act like
this is what I want.

But what I really want

is for everything to go back
to the way it used to be.

I just want to wake up
in the morning

and look over at my husband asleep

on our neighbor's roof.

But if you can't get him
to come back, who can?

What if he never comes back?
What is going to happen to all of us?

Wait, you know what?

This is my glove.

If anyone sees another glove,
I've lost one of my gloves!

Thank you!

Next week on "Queen of Jordan"

I challenge you
to a... dance contest!

You'll never get me, Charles!

Why are you mad at me?

Because of what you said!

I never said it!

That was the chair
because I only pass gas

once a year for an hour
atop a mountain in Switzerland.

Oh, God!

Oh, brother!

[Dinsdale]