30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 15 - It's Never Too Late for Now - full transcript

Listen up, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

As you may have heard,

Carol and I broke up last week.

Hang on.
Why do you have a cat?

And a fanny pack?

And your ponytail,

it's being held up
by a chip clip.

Because I'm giving up, Jenna.

I did the math.

How many times does
a woman meet Mr. Right?



I've had three chances...

Floyd, then Carol,

and I was once in an elevator
with Tom Brokaw,

and I blew all three...

Opportunities!

So I am making
my graceful transition

into spinsterhood.

I have adopted this cat,

named her Emily Dickinson...

Oh, come on!

Named her Emily Dickinson.

Lemon, a word.

Hang on.

Recent breakup, fanny pack, cat?



Quick. Who is
the lead character on NCIS?

Special agent Jethro Gibbs.

In your office, now.

What's the point, Jack?
I'm done.

I took the money I was
saving for my honeymoon,

and I bought a cemetery plot.

I also joined a book club

at the senior center
near my home.

We're reading
Murder on the Orient Express.

You know there's a movie
of that, right?

I did not.

I want to help you, Lemon,

but this is not the week.

Avery's maternity leave
was cut short,

so she could go cover
the collapse

of Greece's banking system.

So you're all alone
with baby Liz?

We're calling her Liddy,
after Liddy Dole,

G. Gordon Liddy,

and my martial arts
instructor Li Di.

In addition, I have
a huge presentation coming up.

Meeting magazine
is already calling it

"the first great meeting
of the decade."

I have to be at my best.

I'm negotiating NBC's
licensing fees with Kabletown.

But aren't NBC and Kabletown
the same company now?

That seems like a pretty
big conflict of interest.

Why would the government
even allow that merger?

It's okay. Don't worry.

You just keep watching
Bridalplasty.

Alysinna died last week.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Oh, damn it, I didn't leave

my baby nurse her check
this morning.

I have to go back home
and pay her.

- Right now?
- It's complicated.

These women run your household,

so you have to keep them happy,

which means not saying anything

as your DVR fills up
with Trinidadian soap operas.

But as soon as
I'm out of the woods, Lemon,

I'll take care
of this latest dysfunction.

There's nothing
to take care of, Jack.

Watch this.

I can fit Emily Dickinson's
whole head in my mouth.

No.

[Exciting jazz music]

Oh, hey, Pete, what's up?

Well, nobody told
the musical guest

that Tracy's in Africa,

so all their instruments
got delivered

even though there's no show.

Rock stars, man.

People screaming your name,

hot women throwing
themselves at you.

Living on a bus.

Ha.

I had all that once...

For three months
back in the early '80s.

Really?
What band were you in?

♪ Everybody's workin'
for the weekend ♪

♪ ♪

What?

Yep.
I was in Loverboy.

But then I had to choose

between staying in the band

or taking
that college scholarship

to study TV budgeting.

- Mmm.
- I made my choice.

That part of my life is over.

Hey, it's never too late.

What did you just say?

♪ It's never too late ♪

♪ it's never too late for now ♪

[Plays piano chord]
♪ Yesterday's dreams are gone ♪

♪ but today
I'm singin' this song ♪

Both: ♪ 'cause it's never
too late ♪

♪ it's never too late for now ♪

We need to start a band.

I think we just did.

I'm sorry you had
to wait for this, Sherry.

I hope there was
enough shark meat

in the refrigerator
for one of your sandwiches.

Hold on, this is the same amount

I was paying you
when you worked full time,

and now you're
just working nights.

It's my hourly rate.

You understand my confusion.

I'm actually paying you
more money

to be here half the time.

I'm not saying that
what you do isn't important.

Avery and I appreciate you,

and Liddy just adores you.

But let's just say
you're at the market,

buying potatoes.

And that ten-pound bag
of potatoes costs...

$400.

But then
the, uh, grocery concierge

tells you that
a five-pound bag of potatoes

costs $400.

Well, that would
be shocking, right?

Because a five-pound bag
should only cost $200.

What I'm saying is that
we value what you do,

but this rate is, uh,
unreasonable.

So, what you wan' do?

I want to resolve
this fairly and amicably.

And I don't want
any bad blood, so...

It was nice negotiating with you,

and, uh, here is
all of your money.

An impulsive murderer

has been murdered.

But in which of the two ways

that I have suggested?

In the simpler way by the mafioso

disguised
as a wagon-lit conductor?

[Cat meows]

Or in the more complex way...

Liz, enough!

I am not gonna just sit
and watch you

plummet into spinsterhood.

Why are you talking so fast?

Because I'm upset!

Also I've been taking

these new Czechoslovakian
organ-slimming pills.

They contain
a little bit of meth,

which is something
my body needs anyway.

Listen, I'm not gonna
let you wallow like this.

I am taking you out
so you can rebound...Sexually.

What? No.

Now, when I'm rebounding,

I like to do it
with an NBA player,

because it's fun wordplay
and they're mean.

Well, thank you
for that disgusting offer,

but I will be in editing
all night,

putting together
"The Best of Tracy Jordan"

to replace this week's show,

so can't go out.
Too bad.

Well, I'm not giving up.

I didn't give up
when Eric Roberts

abandoned me in the desert,
and I won't now.

No judgment, Liz.

Mr. Roberts
thought I was dead.

Oh.

Both: ♪ It's never too late for now ♪

Two, three...

Both: ♪ It's never too late... ♪

- There you are.
- Great.

You just ruined
a really boss take.

We're recording a song called

It's Never Too Late For Now.

It's about that delicious
little mystery I call life.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Come on.
We gotta go to editing.

No, I'm not going to editing.

I'm in here shredding
away like a righteous ax master,

and my arthritis is acting up.

Do you have any ibuprofen?

Uh, my fanny pack is in my office

in my mini-fridge.

I like my tampons to be cold.

I'll be downstairs.

Wait. "Hornberger-Rossitano"?

Why is your name first?

It's alphabetical.
So what?

So I'm the one who said,

"it's never too late."

I invented that.

When we get up
at the Grammys, I talk!

Not you!

Welcome to Brokeblack Mountain.

[Telephone rings]

You need to go black, Marty!

This is Loz... Liz.
This is Liz.

Lemon, I am supposed
to represent NBC

in a negotiation that Rex Belcher

the American Journal
of meetings rated four chairs.

Four.

I'm sorry. Is that
another magazine about meetings?

Meanwhile, I just got worked over

by my Trinidadian night nurse.

I made every mistake you can
in a negotiation.

I spoke first, I smiled,

I negotiated with myself.

If I had done that during
a mock negotiation

in business school,

professor Widmer
would have spanked me

in front of the whole class,
bare bottom.

Okay, but it's harder with
someone like a nanny, right?

There's an emotional component.

She takes care of your baby.

Lemon, you just had
a structural, analytic insight.

Professor Widmer
would have given you

a "good job" spanking.

What is business school?

The reason Sherry
can manipulate me

is because she has leverage.

Eight pounds of screaming,

toothless,
soft-skulled leverage.

Liddy loves Sherry,

and Sherry assumes
that I love Liddy.

But you do, right?

Yes. But Sherry
can't prove that I love Liddy,

so I renegotiate
under new conditions,

specifically, that I hate
my newborn daughter.

Wow, Jack.
I could never pretend

to hate my beautiful
baby daughter,

Emily Dickinson the cat.

Oh, boy.
[Hangs up]

Uh-oh.
I don't feel so good.

I think maybe I have
food poisoning.

Really? 'Cause I've
never had a problem

ordering from American sub
restaurant very clean come in.

I'm sorry. Could you just,
um, leave your notes?

I'll come in early tomorrow
to finish!

I guess this means
you're free tonight after all.

Where did you come from?

It's a trick I developed

to catch people
talking about me behind my back.

Did you know everyone
thinks I'm insane?

Now you have no excuse
to stay in.

Aw, come on, no!

Jenna, you know
how much I hate clubs

and dance halls and odeons.

They're all malarkey.

Okay, what if I promise
to find a place you like?

And if I don't like it,
I can leave?

Yes, if you don't like it,
you can leave.

This isn't Eric Roberts' tepee.

Ah, Sherry.

Excellent.

I've been thinking
about our conversation earlier.

It occurs to me
that you are laboring

under a fatal misapprehension.

You think you have
leverage over me,

but you don't.

I don't care about the baby.

I've only known her
for a few weeks,

and other than a fondness
for Avery's breasts,

Liddy and I
have nothing in common.

She is one of two people

ever to have thrown up on me,

and I haven't spoken
to Joe Namath

since that Mardi Gras.

What's more, I don't think
Liddy looks like me,

so evolutionarily,
that makes me want to eat her.

In other words,
either you take a pay cut,

or go and look for another job.

Who has the leverage now, Sherry?

Your move.

[Baby crying]

Please stay.

I'll send everyone
in your family to college.

Mm-hmm.

[Baby crying]

[Soft music playing]

So soft music,

ample seating,

and I know how much you like
clearly marked fire exits.

Don't worry.

I'll find something to hate.

Oh, okay, here we go.
This sucks.

This place is called
"Canal Yards Project"?

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It used to be
a factory or something.

Nope.
Hipster nonsense.

I'm out.

No, you are not leaving
because of the name.

Excuse me, can I order

two diet cranberry
beach bangs, please?

You got it. I'm gonna need
to see your I.D., miss.

How about this
for I.D.?

I participated
in hands across America.

Nerds. Where is it?

Okay, my license is missing,

which is my cue to go home.

Excuse me.
Is this yours?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I recognized your hair
from across the room.

What is that?
Is that chestnut?

Oh, the color is actually called

"grandfather's shoe."

Uh, can I get you a drink?

I'm having white wine
with ice cubes and sprite.

That's my drink!

I keep a thermos
of it by my toilet!

You misheard me.

Okay. Uh, excuse me.

Can I get two more
of these, please?

So did they make
your droids wait outside too?

Seriously, why can't droids
go into the cantina?

I mean, Ponda Baba
can try to shoot Luke...

but a protocol droid
is somehow a problem.

[Music playing]

♪ Castles fall into the sand ♪

♪ could this really be God's plan? ♪

♪ or is it never too late? ♪

♪ it's never too late for now ♪

[Music stops]

Why can't I hear my vocals?

I just mixed them down a little.

I think it sounds better.

Oh, really?

Do you think that, or does she?

This has nothing to do with Yuki.

This is about making my song...

Your song?

All right, you know what?
Forget it!

Sound mound is finished!

Which means I now have
5,000 t-shirts to un-order.

Pete, like, 20 of these
just came in for you.

Damn it!

I'm having a really
nice time with you, Liz.

Me, too, Anders.

I like how you don't have
one weird little tooth.

Thank you.

Look, I was gonna go
back to my hotel room,

get Eat Pray Love
on Spectravision

and make fun of it.

Ew, Julia Roberts
in a movie about eating?

Give me Kirstie Alley,

somebody who knows
what she's doing.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh, boy.
That does sound fun, but...

I really shouldn't.

I came here with my friend,

so I'm just gonna stay here.

Get off me! My eye!

It's a fight.

Typical nightclub malarkey!

[Furniture crashes]

Whoa.

You okay?

My heart's pounding
like I'm watching

Oprah's farewell season.

I thought the stupid universe
was telling me

to get a cat and be a spinster,

and now I don't know.

What's it trying
to tell me with you?

Liz, look,

I don't believe in signs
or messages from the universe.

You know what I do believe?

It's never too late for now.

♪ It's never, it's never ♪

♪ it's never, it's never ♪

♪ it's never too late ♪

♪ it's never too late for now ♪

Every day we give you $100

for cat *** home.

Do you realize what you're
doing to me, Sherry?

You're unraveling
the very fabric of who I am.

I negotiate for a living,
and I never lose.

And now I have to go negotiate

with my colleagues at Kabletown

after having been reamed
by a woman

wearing Winnie the Pooh
hospital pants.

I don't have
what you have, Sherry.

A brand-new baby
that they've poured

time and money and love into.

Some helpless, pathetic,
useless thing

that would die if left alo...

Oh, God, I do have that.

I have NBC.

Look, broadcast networks
receiving licensing fees

is unprecedented, Jack.

But we're willing to offer NBC

10% of what we pay cable.

[Clementine squirts]

I mean, okay, uh,
not to negotiate against myself,

but I get where you guys
are coming from.

Mm-hmm.

Look, NBC is part
of the Kabletown family now.

It's our baby,
and we want it to thrive.

But your offer is...
It's unreasonable!

So what you wanna do?

Oh, way to go, Liz!

Attagirl!
Walk of shame!

You bow-legged bitch!

Ah. I see you opened
the scotch NBC sent us

that week we came in third.

I'm guessing
your meeting went well.

Homerun, Lemon.

And, uh, speaking
of baseball metaphors,

I see that someone
got to first base,

which is what I consider
sex with a stranger.

Okay, fine.
I had a one-night stand,

and it was not the worst.

And maybe you're right.

I shouldn't give up just yet.

Mm.

Still, I can't believe
I did that.

And I wouldn't have

if everything hadn't gone
so perfectly.

I mean, what if I had been stuck
in the edit room all night,

or if I hated the club and left?

Or what if Anders...

Yeah, Anders...
hadn't found my license?

Don't overthink it, Lemon.

Stranger things happen every day.

I once saw an Internet video

of a mouse and a bird
that are friends.

Don't overthink it.

Ah.

Gasp.

Last night, a repulsive act
occurred at a hotel in midtown.

There are
two possible explanations

as to how this event
came to be...

A simple one and a complex one.

The simple explanation
is that I went to a discotheque

and a handsome,
interesting man fell for me.

In the wake of my breakup,
I allowed myself

to have an experience
that gave me reason

to be hopeful
about the future again.

Very simple.

Great.
I think we're done here.

Please, monsieur.

There remains, of course,
the complex explanation...

A vast conspiracy
involving multiple agents

and precise, coordinated efforts.

A conspiracy that begins
with the timely food poisoning

of Donna Straunk.

And who here has access
to Donna's food?

[Suspenseful music]

♪♪

The second peculiar event...
I lose my license,

allowing it to be found
by a handsome stranger.

Serendipity? Perhaps.

But how does one lose
one's license

out of a malfunction-proof
Velcro Phillies sport wallet?

Someone must have had access
to my fanny pack.

I only wanted ibuprofen.

Then why is my ibuprofen
bottle still sealed?

Ah.
[Clapping]

[Suspenseful music]

♪♪

And then there is
the matter of the wine.

Four glasses, and yet
I was wide awake.

Was my uncharacteristic energy

perhaps due to the giddiness
of the evening?

Or was someone slipping me

black market
organ-slimming pills?

Liz, I wouldn't...

The conspiracy continues.

What pushed me out of the club

when I was wavering
about leaving with Anders?

Yeah, I came here with my friend,

so I'm just gonna stay here.

[Dramatic music]

Aah!

Yah!

[Lutz whimpering]

Get off of me!
My eye!

[Screaming]

[Gasps]

What, this?

I got hit by a bird
on a roller coaster.

Even the club was strange.

Almost as if it had been
designed specifically for me,

but who has the resources
and the connections

to create a Liz Lemon-themed
club in one day?

You had to sign
your crime, didn't you?

You're the one who gave me
those moDVDs.

And what was the final straw?

It was Anders saying,

"it's never too late for now,"

a coincidence that I took
as a sign from the universe.

Also, it's just a great song...

that Pete wrote.

Thanks, man.

Sound mound rocks the town.

Shut up, both of you.

So how did Anders
even know that phrase?

How did Anders seem to know
everything about me?

It's white wine,
ice cubes, and sprite.

She calls it...

Funky juice.

I don't know
if I want to do this.

There's only one question
I can't answer.

Who was Anders?

An old Harvard chum of Toofer's?

The son of one
of Jack's senator friends?

He certainly wasn't
a Swiss prostitute

that Martha Stewart
recommended to me.

And that is
the complex explanation.

Of course, such a conspiracy
would require a group of people

who knew me so well and cared
about my happiness so much

that it's impossible to believe.

No one could ever be that lucky.

Which is why I choose
the simple explanation.

I choose to believe
that last night

Liz Lemon went out, got some,

and felt good about it.

And so I say good-bye
to spinsterhood.

Good-bye to giving up
and to...

Oh, God, a hawk got her!

Emily Dickinson!

♪ 'Cause she's a weekend lady ♪

♪ she's got that weekend style ♪

♪ ♪

♪ temperature's risin' ♪

♪ she's gonna make you smile ♪

♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
unh, unh, unh. ♪

♪ *** ♪

♪ *** ♪

♪ ***
Weekend woman! ♪