30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 14 - Double-Edged Sword - full transcript

Hey.

Do you have a neck pillow? I blew mine
and Alex's smells like my mouth,

I never sleep on planes.
I don't want to get incepted.

Are you going somewhere?

Carol has a flight
to Raleigh-Durham,

so I'm going with him,

and we're gonna drive out
and spend a few days

at an inn at Nags Head.

You're going to NagsHhead?
Isn't that redundant?

You're going to Nags Head?
Isn't that redundant?

You will hand me an envelope
predicting my joke about Nags Head.



That is solid.

Avery and I are also having a
little romantic weekend together

before the baby comes.

We're going to Toronto
for the G-8 economic summit.

It's going to be...

Very erotic.

Look at us, being all adult-y.

I packed underwear...
That isn't gray.

Isn't it nice

dating someone you have so much
in common with?

Like you, Avery
is a type-"A" nut job.

And, of course,
you and Carol share

your trademark stubbornness.

We are not stubborn.
We're principled.



Have a nice trip, Lemon.

Break out those underpants,
but be careful.

Dating yourself
is a double-edged sword.

It means you also
share the same flaws.

Well, that would only be
a problem if I had any flaws.

Not only is your fly open,

there's a pencil
sticking out of it.

Good day to you, sir.

Tracy, congratulations
on egot-ing.

You got an Emmy, a Grammy,
an Oscar, and a Tony.

You are more talented than I.

You're ready, mirror Jenna.

Tracy, congratulations on e...

The Empire State Building
will be lit

in the color of your choosing.

- Clear.
- Seaworld will now

let you borrow a killer whale
for spring break.

- I'll need a whale saddle.
- And Steven Spielberg

wants you to star
in his next movie.

Kate Capshaw's husband?

Tracy, congratulations.

I loved your acceptance speech.

Tracy Jordan asked me
to accept this on his behalf

- because his mouth is full.
- Pop tarts!

So I guess you've
made it to "The Next Level."

I look forward to seeing
how this empowers you

to make my life more difficult.

As am I, Liz Lemon.

It'll probably involve
a guitar-playing chimpanzee

that I bought this morning.

- No.
- Uh, hold on.

Dotcom is confirming
that he drowned.

Oh.

Why are you putting me in a suit?

I still haven't memorized
my Torah passage.

Oh, you're going to a lunch
for the council on poverty.

And this afternoon,

you're speaking
at the Clinton Foundation.

Speaking?

That doesn't sound like me.
That sounds like work.

Yeah, well, the next level
isn't all fun.

Success is
a double-edged sword.

You're actually respected now.

Like it or not,
people are gonna expect you

to use that power for good.

Come on, sir.
Arms.

There's a line, sir.

I realize you're more important

than everyone else on the flight,

what with those jet sweatpants.

Excuse me, young lady.

Are you old enough
to be traveling alone?

I don't know.
I'm going to visit my nana,

but I'm scared.

Ooh, wait.
That's too young.

Roger that.
Ugh, look at sweatpants guy.

This is a $90 million aircraft,

not a Tallahassee strip club.

Stewart,
21-18 that guy.

Excuse me,
Mr. Sweatpants.

We're gonna need
to check that bag.

And that is sky law.

Hey.

Going to Raleigh
for a business meeting.

I'm a businessman.

I'm not an air marshal.

Good afternoon, folks.

This is Captain Burnett
from the flight deck.

There's some traffic
on the runway.

Should be about a half hour,

then we'll have you on your way.

So sit back, relax,
enjoy your flight.

- Thanks for choosing Air Bike.
- The pilot is my boyfriend.

So if you have any questions
during the flight,

maybe I can...
There's a man on the wing.

Oh.

We haven't taken off yet.
It's just a mechanic.

And this is
the prime minister's suite.

Oh, there it is...

The Metro Toronto
Convention Center,

site of the G-8 summit.

Let's do it on the balcony.

You might have to start
without me.

No problem.

Well, if you need
anything else...

- Ah!
- Oh, God, you're breaking

the extra bone all Canadians
have in their hands.

Oh, Jack!
I think the baby's coming.

What?
You're not due until March.

Why did I buy a beryllium mine

if her birthstone
isn't going to be aquamarine?

We need to get to the airport.

Airport? We need to get you
to a hospital.

No, we can't go to a hospital.
This is Canada!

- If she's born here...
- Good God.

She'll be Canadian.

At the risk
of sounding incredibly rude,

I would beg your pardon
and ask you, in your opinion,

what's so bad
"aboot" being Canadian?

Your milk comes
in bags... Bags.

Your pavilion at Epcot
doesn't have a ride.

And if Canada
is so nice and friendly,

why does most of our meth

come from your Asian drug gangs?

Are we not
even making our own meth?

What is happening
to American manufacturing?

Take our things downstairs
and get us a car to the airport.

Oh, my God.
Jack...

If our child is born here,
she can't be presid...

Don't even say it.

We're having an American,
and she will be president,

no matter how ridiculous
that sentence sounds.

If only we were in Kenya
right now, we'd be fine.

Oh.

If this is helping you, I'm fine.

And in conclusion,
bless you, Tracy Jordan.

Your gripping portrayal
of D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda

in Hard to Watch
has given a voice

to the voiceless...
America's poor.

I'm not scared of you people.

And I don't think those cashews

look like a bowl of baby penises.

Being an egot is fun!

Here's to me
spending the rest of my life

in rooms like this.

Didn't they say
half an hour over an hour ago?

Excuse me.

While we're waiting to take off,
we're going to go ahead

and begin our
in-flight entertainment,

which is the feature film

Legend of the Guardians:
The Owls of Ga'Hoole

and some NBC sitcoms
that didn't make the schedule.

We have to find
the guardians, Eglantine.

Hey.

Hey, Lizzie, you okay?

People are starting to get
a little antsy back there.

Yeah, it's gonna be
about another half hour.

Really? 'Cause I checked
flight tracker on my phone,

and our status is just
an angry, red frowny face.

Okay, you want to know
a little pilot secret,

besides the fact that we get
a discount at Sunglass Hut?

The half-hour thing
is a trick.

It's enough time
so that people know

they're gonna have to wait,
but it doesn't upset them.

So you're just lying?

That's not right.
We're paying customers.

Look, Liz, we have reasons

for doing the things
the way that we do.

When we say, "half an hour"

to control the herds
of walking mozzarella sticks

who think that $300
and a photo I.D.

gives them the right
to fly through the air

like one of
the Guardian Owls of Legend.

God, that's been our
in-flight movie for months.

I just think
it's frustrating for people

to know that
they're being lied to.

Maybe you just want
to fly the plane yourself.

Well, good luck pressing

"take off," then "auto pilot,"
then "land."

Okay, this is obviously
a tense situation for you.

I didn't mean to make it worse.

Just do what you need to do,
and we'll get where we're going.

Uh-huh.
Nags Head.

Oh, no, Soren, it's Metalbeak!

You have to stay awake,
Eglantine,

or the Pure Ones
will moon-blink us.

About half an hour.

Canada...

Every flight is "cancelled."

- No.
- I called the concierge service

with my AMEX invisible card.

There are no rental cars.

The trains and buses
are sold out.

Well, how far is the border?
Maybe we can run.

I don't know. When I asked
the lady at the desk,

- she told me in kilometers.
- Ohh!

Look, Avery, you and I are cut
from the same cloth.

It's one of the reasons
we work so well

and why we're unbeatable
at a three-legged race.

We ruined those kids' field day.

But being similar
has its drawbacks.

- It's a...
- Double-edged sword.

So could our shared patriotism
and refusal to ever give up be,

in this situation, a bad thing?

- What are you saying, Jack?
- Avery...

Maybe it isn't
the end of the world

if our daughter is Canadian.

Alexander Hamilton
was born in the West Indies,

- and he went on to...
- To what, Jack?

Be a mouthpiece for federalism

and then die in a duel
against someone named Aaron?

Is that what you want
our daughter to be...

A big-government duel loser?

No.

Where did all
those babies come from?

Dear God, they've restarted
the failed NBC shows?

Oh, no, please, no!
Not Gals on the Tour again.

♪ Love and friendship, having it all ♪

♪ or maybe just a great pair of shoes ♪

♪ one of them has to be Asian ♪

♪ can they be good at their jobs? ♪

Those bathrooms are disgusting.

Someone has to do something!

Please, do something.

You said you knew the captain.

All right.

You know what?
This is wrong.

I can see the terminal
from my window,

where people
are buying new magazines

and crossing their legs

and eating at a chili's express.

We were like them once,
and we can be again.

But we're just airplane folk now.

No.
We still have our dignity.

And maybe we can't go
back to the terminal,

but I know Captain Burnett.

He is a reasonable person.

He compromises readily
on movie choices and...

And sexual positions.

I mean, if we, as a group,

can decide what
reasonable things we want,

I'd be happy to talk to him.

Yeah!

Okay, I can't turn the air on,

because I'd have
to power the engines up.

That wastes fuel.

I'm assuming you don't want
to stop for gas

in the middle of the ocean.

Okay, what about the bathrooms?

Stewart did not study dance
at Carnegie Mellon

to become a flight attendant
to clean bathrooms.

Well, at least give us some food.

Negative...
Those potato-chip bags

are designed
to be opened in flight.

You open them at sea level,
somebody could be killed.

And can you tell me when
we might be in the air, captain?

Sure.
In about a half an hour.

Okay, Carol, you
have a decision to make.

Are your passengers just cattle?

Or are some of them...
maybe even just one of them...

someone you care about?

I think you need
to make a decision.

Am I just
another authority figure

that you're taking
one of your stands against,

like that police horse
you yelled at?

If I can't poop in the street,
why should my tax dollars

- pay for someone else to?
- Or am I your boyfriend,

who you're gonna let do his job?

Really?
If this is you doing your job,

you're terrible at it.

Think about what you're doing.

You are making a choice here.
I am not just a passenger.

And the Captain has turned
on the "fasten seat belt" sign.

All passengers, including
any lipless, middle-aged women

in lesbian clown shirts,

should please take
their seat at this time.

Uh, Mr. Jordan,
several messages for you.

"Breakfast with Chuck Schumer"?

I don't want to watch
that guy eat.

"5k Homeless Walk"?
That just seems cruel.

"Cornell Commencement Address"?

Sorry, but Tracy Jordan
doesn't do safety schools.

The next level sucks!

Ah, you got to be careful.

You ever hear
of the Peter principle?

- Yes, just now.
- The reason people are unhappy

in their careers
is that they keep

getting promoted until
they're in over their heads.

The Peter principle says

you rise to the level
of your incompetence.

But my incompetence
knows no bounds.

Stay in your comfort zone.

If it was me, I'd just hide out

until people forgot who I was.

But keep in mind, we Hornbergers
are famous cowards.

On D-day, my grandfather
wore a German uniform

under his American one,
just in case.

There's a reason
that men like that

aren't chosen for greatness.

I don't remember saying

you could listen
to that conversation.

But continue.

Imagine if Mr. Hornberger
were in your shoes

and he turned his back
on his community,

on the world.

How would he sleep at night?

How would he look
his children in the eye

or perform
his husband bedroom duties,

for instance
painting the bedroom?

Think about the shame.

He would be run out of town.

Al Sharpton would denounce him

at a press conference
on the street,

because Al Sharpton
doesn't have an office.

Exactly.

I thought going to the next
level would be amazing, Ken,

like guitar-playing
chimpanzee amazing.

God bless and keep him.

But now everybody expects me
to do all of this stuff,

and I don't want to let
anybody down, but I'm scared.

You don't know the meaning
of the word scared.

And I know, because
I've looked it up for you

a dozen times.

- Oh, thank God!
- Hop in!

No, no.
Don't go back there.

- You guys drive.
- What?

You drive while
we hide out in the back...

Hang out in the back.

Everything's normal.

No smoking.

Uh, y-yeah, okay.

Okay.

Thanks, honey.

Great.
I'm Lorne.

If you're a cop,
you have to tell me.

I'm just kidding.
We're all on vacation.

Ah!

Is this a mobile meth lab?

Yes, it is.

- Look, if you want to quit...
- Quit?

I've never quit
anything in my life.

I'm still in Girl Scouts.
I have 9,000 badges.

Hey, I'm still looking for
a golf ball I shanked in 1987.

I am not taking that
penalty stroke.

Good.
We agree.

Now, let's drive
this bomb to Buffalo

and get this
little bitch out of me.

- We've been offered a gate.
- What?

Well, what are
you doing back here?

- Come on, let's go!
- Oh, we'll go.

We'll go back to the terminal
and the lounge

with the reclining chairs
and the turkey wraps.

Turkey wraps.

And we'll forget
any of this ever happened,

like the fact
that you insulted me

in front of my entire crew,
especially Stewart,

who often makes up
hurtful nicknames for me,

- like "Mr. Bumpy Landing."
- Great.

And I'll forget the fact that
you treated us like animals.

Oh, well, I've already forgotten

that you said
I was bad at my job,

when everything TGS
has been so great recently.

Austin Powers on Crossfire...
Timely stuff.

Uh-huh.
And I'm not even gonna ask

what the hell that voice
is that you use on the intercom.

"Uh, folks, half
an hour means forever, uhhhh."

Can I tell you
what I hate about you?

You're so stubborn
when you think you're right,

even when the answer is
on the trivial pursuit card.

The card was wrong.
And you're no better, Carol.

You built that bookshelf
incorrectly!

I did not!
I wanted the books to slide off.

Okay, listen, Liz...

We will get through this

if, for once,
you can just let it go.

I will take us back to the gate

when you stand up in front
of my crew and my passengers

and admit that you were wrong.

- What?
- Admit that I,

as captain of this vessel,
was in the right.

You were wrong to question me,

and I was correct in my treatment

of you and your fellow animals.

I'd rather die on this plane.

That can be arranged.

Um, you saw the back of the winny.

You know we picked you up
to get past border control.

So what are you guys carrying?

- I'm sorry?
- In her fake stomach......

You smuggling
unpasteurized cheese,

prescription drugs,

maple syrup from the sacred tree
of souls in Winnipeg?

No.
She's pregnant.

What? Those contractions
she's been having are real?

Because they sound
very sitcom-y.

Ughhh, zoinks!

What is taking so long?

You guys should be in a hospital,

not driving to Buffalo
in a snowstorm.

Thank you for your input, Lorne,

but Avery and I want our
daughter to be born in America,

so she can one day become
president

and declare war on Germany,
like back when we were awesome.

You know, you remind me
of my parents.

I find that very hard to believe.

They were both really intense.

They wanted me to grow up
to be prime minister,

so as a kid,
I had to win the spelling bee.

They made me memorize

all 700 words
in the Canadian dictionary.

And then I had
to go to Law School.

- You went to Law School?
- For one day.

I was just so tightly wound
that I got kicked out

for karate chopping my roommate.

I know.
I'm a stereotype...

All guys from Quebec
are good at karate.

God.

Oh, my God, where are my manners?

Do you want to try meth?

- What are you doing?
- I'm quitting.

I'm calling 911
and getting an ambulance

to take us
to the nearest hospital.

Actually, you dial 272 here.

I will not do that.

Kenworth, I was thinking
about what you said,

and you're right.

I'm Oscar-winner Tracy Jordan.

And as scary as it is,

I have a responsibility
to fix the world,

starting
with the worst place ever.

Ikea on a Saturday?

Africa.
I leave today.

Good-bye.

Begin moving my things
into his dressing room.

Well, folks,
from the flight deck,

it looks like it's gonna be
about another half hour,

and then we'll be on our way.
Uhhhhhh...

I have an announcement.

Our pilot has gone insane.

No, don't listen
to her. Don't...

Having seen Crimson Tide
on Showtime last weekend,

I believe the only course
of action available to us

is passenger mutiny.

I am Denzel.

I am invoking sky law.

You are now silenced,
shrieking harpy.

Stop speaking.

We could've gone back to
a gate, and he wouldn't take us!

Do not blame me.

I wouldn't take us, because she
wouldn't admit to being wrong

for challenging my authority.

Why not?
What's wrong with you?

I am right, and he knows it.

He could've given us food...

Maybe this is one
of those times when both of you

just say, on the count
of three, "I was wrong."

One, two, three.
Never!

How are you two dating?
You're too similar!

Where are you going?

I am pulling
the emergency exit slide,

and we are all getting off
of this plane!

I'll be a folk hero,

like that guy
everybody hates now.

Don't you even think about it!
That is a federal offense!

Just try to stop me.

Oh, you be careful
what you wish for.

I will waste you!

You'll have to go through
this old bastard first!

Soren, Eglantine,

your journey is at an end.

Sorry.

I hope we can still be friends.

- Hello?
- Lemon, we had the baby.

- We? We?
- Shh, you need your rest.

Oh, my God.
Congratulations.

Wait.
Aren't you in Canada?

Yes, my daughter
is Canadian-American,

but I'm going to treat her
just like a human baby.

We tried to get back home,
Lemon, in a meth lab.

Avery and I fed
each other's craziness,

but one of us was brave enough
to step back and...

- Just quit. He quit.
- Didn't they give you Percocet?

That's what it takes.

Somebody needs
to be willing to quit.

I hope you and Avery can make it,

because you have
a whole lifetime ahead of you

of that double-edged sword
just swinging around

trying to cut your faces off.

Thank you, Lemon.

This was supposed to be
a joyous occasion.

I'm glad I called.

I'm sorry. Your daughter
is a very lucky girl.

- Carol and I have...
- Jack.

- What?
- This woman's trying to tell me

that we don't have to pay
for any of this.

Right. The Canadian
health-care system...

Oh, no, you don't.

We will not be party
to this socialist perversion.

You will take our money.

I'm sorry, sir.
I can't do that.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

- Avery, can you walk yet?
- I am right behind you, Jack.

Let's go find a Canadian
who will take our money.

- How's Africa, sir?
- It's amazing.

This morning I taught
the local schoolchildren

all the words to Monster Mash.

So when do you
think you'll be coming back?

TGS has a show in a couple weeks.

Don't you get it?
This is bigger than all that.

Like how an egg is much bigger
than a smaller bug.

Well, that's another way to say that sir...

I have to go.

This was a really good decision.

Good bye, Kenneth.

Yeah, really good decision.