30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 21 - Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land - full transcript

Jack.
Got a minute?

Avery, of course.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, it's nothing.

I was a guest on mad money
last night.

What's happening?
Is one of you Jim Cramer?

Okay, stop it, stop it!

I didn't realize
we were still airing that.

Cramer's been dead
for six months.

Look, I know
I'm supposed to go with you

To Cerie's wedding
this weekend,



But I can't make it.

Okay, I know you and I
are in a period

Of detente right now
because of my other--

- Piece of tail?

I was going to say
romantic entanglements,

But you do not want
to miss this wedding.

It's going to be
New York royalty.

The Astors, the Rockefellers.

The Sbarros.

Yes, I know, Jack.

You think I don't want to know

What pizzarina Sbarro
is gonna be wearing?

Then come.

We both know
that is a bad idea.



Which is why I scheduled
a conflict for this weekend

I can't get out of.

What is it?

Well, if you must know,

I'm on dodecacil.

The pill where you only
get your period once a year.

Ugh! We're so close to beating
that thing completely.

Ah, well, my time has come.

I'm going to a spa.

Well, it's not really a spa.

It's more
of a fenced-in area

In the Adirondacks.

Fine.
I'll go alone.

And while I'm gone,

Do some thinking about us.

I promise you,
this weekend will be filled

With staring out windows while
holding a glass of scotch.

That means a lot to me.

- Have a, uh, good time
at your fenced-in area.

And I'll see you in two weeks.

What's that supposed to mean,
you dumb douche?

Ooh, it's starting.

I should go.

- Aloha means hello
and good-bye.

So aloha.

- What?
- What?

Hi, handsome.

I didn't know
you were coming to New York.

I'm here to see my man.

You're not busy this weekend,
are ya?

Well, I am, actually.

I have some thinking to do.

Well, you can do your thinkin'.

We'll just do it together
on that tour boat

That's painted like a shark.

Hey, Liz, I need to know
the name of the date

You're bringing to my wedding.

I'm coming alone, Cerie.

But I would still
like two meals.

So is it okay if I sit you

Next to
my dad's mistress' cousin?

Whatever makes it
easier for you.

Awesome.

God, three weddings in one day.

I am gonna be in spanx
for 12 hours.

My elastic line is gonna
get infected again.

Are you really not bringing
someone to Cerie's wedding?

I don't care
about having a date.

What about Floyd's wedding?

If I have to sit
through that alone,

I will rent a car,
set it on fire,

And drive it off a waterfall.

I could set you up
with my trainer.

He's gay, but not
when he's drunk.

No, I don't need help, Jenna.

I know where I'm gonna
find my date,

Because I have already met him.

What are you talking about?

Jack's mom said to me

That there's only a few
different types of men

In the world.

And, at my age,
I have met all of them.

So I'm gonna go back through
my gentleman Rolodex--

- Sexual time travel.

Just like my cinemax soft core,

Emmanuelle goes
to dinosaur land.

I've dated plenty of good guys.

My standards have just
been too high.

Yeah, they have.

Meet me in the handicapped stall
in ten seconds.

Liz Lemon.

I was just thinking
about you the other day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I saw this gorgeous woman
putting glasses

On her daughter's
Mrs. Potato head.

The "why" is not important.

Can we talk?

Sure.

I was just doing some baking.

Uh, can I get you
something to drink?

What goes good
with second chances?

Ugh, water.
I'd like water.

So...

Are you seeing anyone?

Oh...

This conversation.

Uh, no, I'm still single.

No one serious
since you, actually.

Well, that's good to hear.

You know, when we broke up,

It was because I felt like
I was smarter than you.

But that's so judgmental
and--and now I just--

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my hooks, heh.

I'm just so comfortable
with them that--that--

Ohh.

Whoops.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, not again.

That was my last
ungashed painting.

How did this happen?

Uh, freak accident.

You know I work
with doctors without borders.

Well, I was helicoptering
into Zimbabwe

When I thought I saw
somebody that I knew.

So I waved from the helicopter,

Which, it turns out,
is a big no-no,

And the rotor took my right hand
clean off.

And it turns out the person
I was waving to

Was not my old football coach.

Of course not.
You were in Zimbabwe.

Well, it looked just like
a black version of him.

What about the other hand?

Oh, well, to celebrate
my return from Africa,

My cousin and I bought
a bunch of fireworks.

You know what?
This was a bad idea.

I should just go.

What, you're too good for me

Now that I have
pirate hook hands?

It is absolutely
not because you are disabled.

I've been dumped by four
different guys in wheelchairs.

Look, I'll have you know, Liz,

That I am in line
for a hand transplant.

There's this strangler
who's about to be executed,

And, uh, I got
my hooks crossed.

Oh, heh.

Oh, my God, drew,

It's not about the hooks.

It's how you got that way.

You're just too dumb.

Wait, Liz.

Don't go.

Ow, it's hot!

Yeah, of course it's hot.

It's been in the oven.

Now who's the dumb one?

Uh, so handsome.

Entourage meeting.

I know which movie
I'm doing this summer.

Garfield 3: Feline groovy?

It's a pun, because
cats' paws have grooves.

And this is really what

You want to spend
your summer doing?

It's perfect!

I'm playing Garfield.

My whole part's being shot

On green screen in three days.

And they're paying me exactly
one million teachers' salaries.

Tray, I think it's time
you take a risk.

Maybe do a dramatic role.

Go for the "o"
in your "egot."

What's this?

Hard to watch,

Based on on the book
stone cold bummer

By manipulate.

It's about growing up
in our old neighborhood.

And it's real Oscar bait, sir.

You say things like,
"you don't know my pain,"

And, "you watch
your mouth, tyrese."

And, in a less dramatic scene,

"I'll have hash browns."

Interesting.

And I've got to win
an Oscar somehow.

It's either this
or I submit that animated film

I drew about the holocaust.

- This.
- We should definitely do this.

Nancy and Avery

Almost ran into each other
at the elevator.

Seriously?

You rode the shark boat?
Was it scary?

Oh. This whole thing...

Is getting out of control.

Yeah, you need
to be honest with everyone.

It's only fair that
you tell Nancy about Avery.

That is terrible advice!

If I tell Nancy,

It'll just complicate things.

I need to keep her
at arm's length this weekend.

I prepared
a very unromantic evening.

First, we're going
to see a documentary

About female circumcision,

And then we're going to eat
too much Indian food.

Okay, but you're just
avoiding the problem.

Sometimes, the right thing
and the hard thing

Are the same thing.

I read that on a tea bag.

If you want to be helpful,

Just give me some more advice

On how to keep a date asexual.

- you know what?
Sometimes I think--

- That's great.

"you know what?
Sometimes I think--"

That's really annoying.

I'm gonna use that.
You're the best.

- honestly, though, sometimes I...

Okay, I hear it.

I read the script.

And? Did you like it?

I hated it!

I couldn't relate.

What?

It's about growing up poor
in the South Bronx.

Moving from foster home
to foster home.

Seeing a pigeon fight a baby.

All of that happened to you.

I don't remember
that kind of stuff.

I mean, I remember
being born, of course.

I remember learning
how to ride a bike.

But that was last year.

From '75 to '82 is just a blur.

Then you're
repressing some stuff.

That can happen.

I remember the summer
my webelos group went camping,

And we were taken
by the hill people.

Next thing I knew,
summer was over,

And it was time
for back-to-school shopping.

Tray, this
is an important film.

Oh, brother.

If you want to get your "o,"

You've got to reconnect
with your roots.

No, I don't.

I was on a yacht
with the roots last week.

Dude!

Hello, Dennis.

Hey, dummy.

You know, as soon
as my beeper went off,

I knew it was you.

I got a personalized vibration

For each chick
I used to put it to.

Hmm.

Thanks for meeting me
at my workplace.

Yeah, what exactly
are you building here?

Hey, Liz, you want
to be a millionaire?

Hmm?
Mr. Dennis.

No, no, no, Jose.
Only babies out here.

Don't you want to be a big boy?

- Ow.
- Who's that kid?

That's Jose.

I met him through this program

That places troubled adults
with child mentors.

Wait, are you planning
to balloon boy him?

Liz, listen to me.

What was the one mistake
those people in Denver made?

One mistake?

Yeah, there was no kid
in the balloon.

When Jose jumps out of there,
or whatever,

People are gonna go nuts!

Oh, my God.

Go, run.

Unbelievable.

These are the men in my life.

What did I do wrong?

Well, the first thing
you did wrong

Was you touched the balloon.

This is a scientific
facility, Liz.

This is a public park
named after Ron Artest.

Yeah, and like Jose,
Ron dreamed of glory.

Hey, Liz...

You'll be back!

Hey, what's goin' on, huh?

What's your deal?

Lesbian.

How was your dinner?

Mm, I'm stuffed.

That place is good.

Way better than the Indian joint
I go to in Boston,

O'doyle's.

Yeah.

Uh...You know what I like
after too much curry?

A warm glass of milk

And some John Philip Sousa
marches.

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm gonna go
to the restroom

Before I head back
to the hotel.

Oh, okay.

I'll order you a car.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Hi, yes.
I'd like to order a car, please.

Account number 541390.

I have to call you back.

Oh! Jack!

I've been through every guy.

There's no one left.

Come on, you sound like me
at the Olympic village.

Ugh, who cares?

So I go to Floyd's
wedding alone.

Maybe I'll just lean into it

And bring a cat
in a baby stroller.

Come on, you still
have tonight.

Liz, I want you to meet the guy

That you're gonna be
sitting next to tomorrow.

He's told me his name,
like, a million times,

But I keep forgetting it.

It's Wesley!

No!

I knew you'd be back.

No, I'm not back, Wesley.

Oh, of course, because you said

You could find someone
better than me.

Well...Where is he?

Stop doing that!
You look idiotic.

Of course I do.

Excellent pantomime's
supposed to look idiotic.

Okay, I may be alone tonight,

But I'm not done looking.

Liz, I'm gonna guess

That the last two months,

There's been a lot
of singles events in gymnasia,

And, uh, oh, don't tell me.

You revisited old boyfriends,
didn't you?

That's never worked.

Oh, my God.
I hate you.

Yeah, but that's it, isn't it?

The only thing wrong with me...

Is that you hate me.

So with that as my only defect,

Where do I rank

With all the other men
that you've been with?

Okay, I have another
wedding tomorrow.

It's my ex-boyfriend Floyd.

Will you come with me?

And then there was Wesley.

God, I hate you.

Well...

Good mornin'.

I'm glad we did this, Jack.

It was a huge step.

But it feels right.

Huge seems like the wrong word.

I mean, sex is not
that big a deal, right?

How could something
that animals do

Be a big deal?

Worms can do it with...
Any other worm.

Well, it was a big deal for me.

Besides my ex-husband,

You're the only other man
I've slept with.

Two men?

That can't be true.

Well...

Uh, look, Jack...

There's something
I have to tell ya.

I did somethin' bad.

After my divorce,

I went out with my girlfriends,

And I danced with a guy.

That's it?

Also...

It was after midnight
on a Saturday,

So technically,
it was a Sunday.

A man had his hands on my hips

On a day that was
set aside for the lord!

There! I said it.

Man, catholic guilt.

Am I right?

Those nuns really messed me up.

Not me!

What are we doing here?

You told me we were going
someplace boring.

This is an awesome copy shop!

Well, this copy shop
is on the corner

Of 157th street and
Lieutenant Uhura Avenue.

That's where I grew up.

Obviously,
your building is gone.

I guess someone
didn't come up here

To scout the location first.

'cause someone else
didn't sign off

On the transportation budget.

I never check
that earthlink account.

God, nothing's changed at all.

It's changed completely, tray.

What is wrong with you?

We brought you up here
to jog your memory,

But I guess that
was a waste of time.

Because someone came up

With this stupid idea
in the first place.

Let's just go.

Why do I recognize
that stairwell?

It's all coming back to me.

Oh, my God, I slept on an old
dog bed stuffed with wigs!

I watched a prostitute
stab a clown!

Our basketball hoop
was a rib cage.

A rib cage!

Why did you bring me here?

I blocked all this stuff out
for a reason!

Oh, lord!

Some guy with dreads
electrocuted my fish!

Tray, use this pain
to get your Oscar.

I hate pain!

I'm doing Garfield 3.

And as soon as I make
some copies of my passport,

I'm never coming back here!

Move!

Lemon, I don't have time
to talk about

What you look like right now.

That's how urgent this is.

I need you to not put on
your judgmental face

When I tell you the following.

I slept with Nancy.

Fight it off, Lemon.

Gah!
What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking at all.

She put on red underwear.

You would think
it would clash with her hair.

But it didn't.

You have made this
so much worse.

Sex always makes things worse.

This isn't fair to Nancy.

You have to tell her
about Avery.

I know, but Nancy's not Avery.

Avery is cool, collected,

Descended
from Swedish valley people.

Nancy is a fiery Irish nut job

Descended from bog people.

Well, I'm sorry, Jack,

But I have got to go
give a reading

At the wedding of the only
normal guy I've ever dated.

And I have to be at st. Paul's
in 20 minutes!

- Wait--Floyd's wedding
is at a catholic church?

Are they having a mass?
Yeah, Kaitlin's catholic.

He converted for her.

Meanwhile, when we were dating,

And I wanted to check out
that unitarian church--

- Good talk, Lemon.

- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Thanks for holding my purse.

Yeah.
See how we help each other?

I accompany you
to Floyd's wedding.

I hold your purse.

This was meant to be.

We're like Russ and Rebecca
on chums.

This is just a date, Wesley.

You know that's not true.

I wouldn't be here
if there was anybody else.

I'm your best option.

And you're mine.

You see, I, uh...

I lost my job two days ago

And am now facing
a little residency issue.

What?

I don't want to go back
to England.

I can't suffer through
the London Olympics.

We're not prepared, Liz.

Did you see the Beijing
opening ceremonies?

We don't have control
over our people like that.

I'm supposed to be up front
for my reading.

This is just a date.

Right, and maybe up there,

You'll fall in love
with a handsome groomsman.

But until then, Rebecca...

♪ I'll be here always ♪

♪ while the rains
fall in wales ♪

Chums.

Oh.

Garfield effects test,
take one.

And...Act!

Nermal!
I hate you, Nermal!

Almost as much
as I hate Mondays!

This is my lasagna!

You hear me, Nermal?

My lasagna!

Okay, let's cut.

Okay...

Maybe a little less intense,
you know?

You're Garfield.

You're a cat

Who likes sleeping and lasagna.

Well, I'm sorry, Shawn...

And child actor whose name
I can't remember.

You haven't walked in my shoes.

All my life, I tried
to forget the things I've seen.

A crackhead
breastfeeding a rat.

A homeless man cooking
a hot pocket

On the third rail
of the g-train.

The g-train, Nermal!

There's something inside of me
that needs to come out.

And if Garfield 3:
Feline groovy

Can't tell my story,

Then I'll win my Oscar
elsewhere.

Or I'll die tryin'.

Okay, so are you
not doing this movie?

'cause that suit
was made special!

For your weird body!

Are you doing a reading too?

I'm Mike.
I'm friends with Floyd.

Hi.

Excuse me, do you have a job,

And are you here with someone?

Uh, I'm a lawyer,

And I'm single.

Okay, friend, here's the deal.

My name is Liz, I almost
got 1,200 on my SATs,

And I need a date
for this wedding

And I like your head shape.

What do you say?

I'd love to be your date, Liz.

Okay.

I like how forward you are.

Now may I tell you something?

I'm a plushie.

Is that a fraternity?

Kind of.

It means I belong to a group
of like-minded people

Who dress up
in mascot costumes.

- Oh-Kay...

And have orgies
in hotel rooms and state parks.

There it is.

Our term for intercourse
is "yiffing."

Would you excuse me, please?

Okay, fine.
Let's get married.

And now a reading
from Corinthians.

"love is patient.

"love is kind.

"it is not jealous.

"it is not pompous.

"it does not envy.
It does not boast.

It is not proud.
It is not rude..."

Nothin' like being in church,

Having spend the night doing
a bunch of bad crap.

Am I right?

Yes, uh...

Speaking of which,

I'm seeing someone else,

And I think I'm in love
with both of you.

You lying bastard.

After last night?

Nancy, just let me explain.

No, I'm out of here.

You can't leave, Donovan.

We're in the middle of mass.

You and I both know
you have to stay

Until the final blessing,
so let's talk.

No, I'm not saying
a word to you.

The second this mass is over,

I'm on the first train
back to Boston.

And you'll never see me again.

"faith, hope, and love.

"and as for knowledge,

It will pass away."

Stall?

And now, an unscheduled reading

That I think is appropriate
for this lovely

Romantic occasion.

"but Onan knew
that the offspring

"would not be his,

"so whenever he lay
with his brother's wife,

He spilled his semen
on the ground."

Sorry.

"then Zipporah took a flint

And cut off her son's
foreskin."

Oh, come on, bible.
Help a lady out.

"for he has sold us,

And he has indeed
devoured our money."

I seen a blind guy
bite a police horse!

A puppy committed suicide
after he saw our bathroom!

I once bit into a burrito,

And there was a child's shoe
in it!

I seen a hooker eat a tire.

A pack of wild dogs took over

And successfully ran a Wendy's!

The sewer people
stole my skateboard!

The projects I lived in was
named after Zachary Taylor,

Generally considered to be

One of the worst presidents
of all time!

I once saw a baby
give another baby a tattoo!

They were very drunk!