30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Moms - full transcript

It's time for the Mother's Day special at TGS, and Jack's mom begins meddling in his two relationships, Liz's mom reveals her surprise true love, Tracy clashes with his pretend TV mom, and Jenna's mom is there because Jack's paying her.


Can I get your "Lucretia Mott" on this?

Uh, what is this?

Budget approval for travel
and hotels for the moms.

The moms? What moms?

The staff moms that are going
to be on the Mother's Day show

that N.B.C. is making us do
after their ill-fated decision

to reair the pilot of Bitch Hunter.

Put the mimosas down!


Wait, it's Mother's Day already?

Did you forget?

Colleen is going to kill you.

There's still time.



Call the florist and order a dozen...


Too late, Jackie.


Why isn't my beautiful
Frank up on the wall?

Ma, come on.

That's just for the actors.


Here's a picture you can use.

It's little Frankie in the bathtub,

getting ready for the senior prom.

Thank you.

Mom, what are you doing?

You don't have to pay for the food.

Honey, nothing is free.

You remember that when a man
buys you an expensive meal.

Yeah, that's happening a lot.

Hey, Verna.

Well, you must remember
my mom, Margaret.

Oh, yes, we met a few years ago

when the girls lived in Chicago.

You must have me
confused with someone else.

I have never been to Chicago.

I sexually assaulted
Scottie Pippen in 1997.

There's my baby!

Oh, Mommy!

Look, Tracy, this Mother's
Day show is tomorrow

and we haven't been able
to track down your mom.

I gave Kenneth her information.

"Her name might be Cheryl,

and she was wearing
a red shirt in 1984."

Look, I don't want
you to be alone up there

with all the families, so...

what if I hire an
actress to play your mom?

Okay, but whoever she is

needs to be someone
as amazing as I am.

I want to see a list of names.

Like when they was looking for
John McCain's running mate.

I'm kidding.

This needs to be taken seriously.

Happy Mother's Day, Colleen.

I'm not here about
Mother's Day, John Francis.

You know who's in my
water aerobics class

down in Florida?

Yes, mother.

I memorized the names of everyone

in your water aerobics class.

Patricia Goodband.

Whose sister runs the
Friday night bingo game

at Our Lady of Reluctant
Integration in Waltham.

Turns out last week that the
game was won by Anne O'Connor,

who mentioned that her
niece, Nancy Donovan,

got divorced and
was running around

with a hot-shot in New York City
who pours scotch like a woman.

If I don't always share my
personal life with you, Colleen,

it's because you've never
approved of any woman

I've shown an interest in.

Now, that's not true.

I'm not having this
conversation with you right now.

I have work to do, and I'll
be joining you for lunch.

In the meantime, Kenneth,
here, will, uh...

entertain you.

Okay, Kenneth.

Entertain me.

♪ Oh, the fiddle's in the creek ♪

♪ and the frog's in the kitchen ♪

I apologize, ma'am.

That is not a song.

You make me very nervous.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Lutz.

This is my mom, Miho.

Oh, hi.

I didn't know you were adopted.


Thanks a lot, Lutz.

Mom, this is Lee.

He's the head of our
wardrobe department.

Well, hello, Lee.

Wrong tree, Mom.

Got you.

So Lee is going to take care
of your clothes for the show.

Oh, no, no.

That won't be necessary.

I brought some real cute duds.

I made us both rompers to wear.

Excuse me.

My friend has to go
strangle her Anxiety Pillow.

Lee, It's the bridesmaid's dress.

I can't breathe!

I'm going to die in here!


It's bad luck for a married
woman to be a bridesmaid.

It brings fever and disease.

Yeah, well, I'm not
actually married, so...

Not even common-law?

How do you get credit
at a mattress store?

You know,
my Johnny's single.

And he gives excellent
backrubs, I can assure you.

Thank you, Mrs. Lutz.

And thank you, moms,
for your interest.

But I just haven't met "the one" yet.

Oh, for crying out loud, Liz.

You see, that's what feminism does.

It makes smart girls
with nice birthing shapes

believe in fairy tales.

Stop waiting for your prince, Liz.

I'm not waiting for a prince.

I'm waiting for
Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Oh, sweet lord in heaven.

Who turns out to be the
secret King of Monaco.

Liz, you're almost 40.

You're not going to find
some new kind of man.

Whoever "the one" is, you've
probably already met him.

You're 40?

John is looking for a...

greener banana.

Hello, Verna.

I'm glad to see
you're here upholding

your end of our bargain.

Oh, yeah.

I'm being a great mother.

Listening, giving advice,

asking stupid
questions during movies.

But I need you to
hold up your end.

That money order you sent...

That was only for half.

Uh, that was a
down payment, Verna.

You'll get the rest
after you've fulfilled

your Mother's Day duties.

That's kind of a problem for me.

'Cause I already spent
that down payment

on the first half of my boob job.

It's not an implant.

It's just a little
yank-up, you know?

I mean, I got the meat, Jack.

Go ahead, feel them.

Feel the difference.

Very different, indeed.

Like a cantaloupe...

and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.

But you're not getting
the rest of that money

until you give Jenna all the
Mother's Day love she deserves.



Good news, Tray.

We found a great mom for you.

Her name is Novella Nelson.

Novella Nelson?

Oh, wait.

Is she Aquaman's girlfriend?

No, she's a great actress
who lives in Brooklyn.

She looks like you.

That could be anyone!

We all look the same to me.

Is she famous?

You'd probably know her best

from a commercial they air a lot

during the 3:30 A.M. SportsCenter.

Ugh, these overalls are chafing.

I can't wear these
pajamas fishing.



What about the list I gave you?

Phylicia Rashad,
Serena Williams...

They're too recognizable, Tracy.

And Serena Williams
is younger than you.

Who cares?

She's awesome, and so am I.

I want Serena Williams
to be my mother.

We've already booked Novella.

The woman has been in
the business for 40 years.

I think she's good enough for
the star of Sherlock Homie.

I know what you're
thinking, Mother.

And we are not talking
about Nancy Donovan.

I don't want to talk
about Nancy Donovan.

I want to talk about
the little, blonde girl

that you are sleeping with.


A mother knows, Jackie.

Oh, hi.

Are you going up?

Down, actually.

Oh, I forgot my phone.

Two women, Jack?

At the same time?

What are you, Italian?

I didn't choose for it
to happen like this.

Be a man and pick one.

I can't.

They both give me different things.

One connects me to the man I was.

The other inspires...

Just listen to yourself, Jack.

I know it's gay.

But it's my gay problem.

And I'm handling it.

We're ready to order now.

Just bring my son
one of everything.

That way, he doesn't
have to choose.


Um, why was I given
this to wear on the show?

Well, I loved your idea that
we both wear the same outfit.

I just thought this one
might be more T.V. friendly.

You mean, instead of the rompers
that your mother slaved over.

Mom, this isn't Florida.

You're damn right it isn't.

In Florida, everybody
is always asking me,

"Where did you get that?

You made it?

Holy crap!

Where do I commission one?"

Oh, this is about you
making money selling junk.


Verna, this is my job.

And I know you don't
understand that,

'cause you haven't
had a job in 15 years.

Because of my back.

Because of the
trampoline accident.

But I need to look
a certain way on T.V.

Oh, you are nothing
but a spoiled brat.

You know what?

Here's what I think of
you and your fancy clothes.

That is quality stitching.

Damn the tiny, brown
hands that made this.

Oh, there you are.

Just thought I'd tidy up.

That's my computer.

Oh, no, dear.

A computer is a great, big
thing with a green screen.


Do you think it's weird
that I'm still single?

Well, your standards are
very high, as they should be.

I remember someone who got a
three on her history A.P. test.

But do I expect too much?

Maybe the moms were right.

Maybe I should have just settled.

I can't tell you
what to do, Liz.

But I know from
experience that that guy,

that perfect guy, is out there.

Because I know I found mine.

See, that's all I want.

What you and Dad have.

Oh, I'm not talking
about your father.


What do you mean, you're
not talking about Dad?

You love Dad.

Of course I do.

But Dick Lemon isn't Ed.

Ed? Who's Ed?

Ed was my true love, sweetheart.

He was my steady
at Montclair High.

The night before he
was shipped off to Korea,

I repeatedly lost
my virginity to him,

while Waldo, the town perv,
watched from the bushes.

Wait... What?

Nothing, Younger Me.

It's fine.

He wanted to get married.

But when he was
invited to Houston

for his astronaut training...

He was an astronaut?

You could have been
an astronaut's wife?

It wasn't that simple, Liz.

I had just graduated
from secretary school,

and I got a job at Sterling Cooper.

I couldn't just pick up and move.

I was already 26.

An old maid.

Different times... Octomom.

So I settled.

For a wonderful man.

And I have never regretted it.

Not even when I watched
Ed Aldrin walk on the moon.


Your Ed is Buzz Aldrin?

Yeah, but I always called him Ed.

Because our town had,
like, five Buzzes.

You could have
married Buzz Aldrin?

You should regret that, Mom.

You should have followed him.

Laura Linney could
have played you

in the H.B.O. original
movie Moon Wives!

Where are
you going, Verna?

Oh, I quit.

I've been working my ass off
pretending to be a good mom.

But Jenna doesn't appreciate it.

I see.

Well, then, good luck paying
for that other implant.

It's not an implant, Jack.

I mean, I got the meat.

Of course.

I apologize.

Verna, you have a very
simple decision to make.

Quit, don't get paid, and drive
around with one headlight out,

or swallow your pride and get
the money you need tomorrow.

They said they were going to
put a wig on me or something.

So that, uh, nobody
would recognize me

as the Pajamarall lady.

Like anyone would
recognize you, anyway.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

You are way beneath me, Novella.

I am a movie star,
a television actor,

and a Guinness Book
of World Records holder

for most car accidents
in a single year.

Maybe you wanted
someone more high profile.

But I am what you've got.

So, Tracy, you'd
better watch yourself,

or you may wind up
with no mother at all.

Fine, I'd rather be
up on that stage all alone

than to be with
someone whose resume

has "Black Judge" on it nine times!

And you think I
wanted a fake son

who recorded an
anti-condom P.S. A?

I saved a lot of
kids from lame sex!

You little ingrate.

All right, start with
taxes, then insurance.

Change this to Latin America.

I can't say Nicaragua.


You must be Avery.


I am so sorry, Miss Jessup.

Mr. s Donaghy keeps
tricking me and running away.

But not anymore.


They need you out in the hall.

Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Donaghy.

You must be Jack's mother?

Indeed, I am.

And Jack has told me
so much about you.

You're going to have
to work your backside.

Because chest-wise,

you have the measurements
of an altar boy.

I wish Jack had told
me you were in town.

Well, men have their
little secrets, don't they?

Especially Jack.


What I'm trying to say is

if you're serious about
Jackie, let him know now.

A man like Jack has
other irons in the fire.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, look at the time.

I've got to get back to, uh...

calling Kenneth "Carl" to
see if he ever corrects me.


Yes, ma'am?

Lemon, have you seen Colleen?

Kenneth was supposed
to be watching her,

but I just saw him
with his eyes closed,

counting to infinity.

You want to talk
about moms, Jack?

Listen to this.

My mother could have
married Buzz Aldrin.

Oh, really?

I know Buzz.

We met at a photo
shoot for Vanity Fair's

annual "Awesome Gentlemen" issue.

My mom blew it, Jack.

She had true love
and she threw it away.

Just because it
was inconvenient.

Lemon, if your mom had
ended up with Buzz,

you would have never been born.

Or I would have
been born Peter Aldrin.

And I'd wait for a woman
with the right stuff.

Now, remember, in this
scenario, I am a man,

and my father is an astronaut.

Well, Lemon, if
you'd like to see

what your mom's
life would have been,

I can arrange for
you to meet Buzz.

Are you serious?

He's in town.

I saw him last night at
Rupert Murdoch's Twister party.

I mean, uh, regular party.


This Mother's Day
thing is a disaster.

I hear you.

Because you're
talking in the ear

that I didn't lose a button in.

I thought Verna and I
had made this breakthrough.

But now, we're
just back to fighting

about money and clothes.

Thank God Terry's dead, or we'd
be fighting over him again too.

Boy, I thought I had it
bad with my fake mom.

Are you kidding?

At least your fake mom has to act

like she cares about you.

Yeah, that's true.

And she is a good actress.

I bought those Pajamaralls.

And you got to choose her.

No, Jenna.

No one gets to choose their mom.

Even when they're fake.

For good or bad,
we're stuck with them.

And you know what?

They don't get to
choose who we are, either.

And God knows we're not perfect.

It's true.

Sometimes, I sing too beautifully.

What a nice surpr...

Is there another woman?

What? How did you...


Don't blame your mother, Jack.

This is about us.

Oh, my God.

Look, Avery,
you know how I feel.

So I'm going to skip the
part where I deny anything.

Then you skip the part
where you yell at me.

And then we both move
on to the, uh, make-up sex.

Wow, that is a swing.

Look, I assumed you
and I were exclusive.

But we never talked about it.

So maybe this is partly my fault.

And I forgive you.

Come here.

I'm sorry, but these tactics
have worked on stupider women.

If we're going to move forward,

you better figure out
what it is you want.


Excuse me, Dr. Aldrin.

I'm sorry, there wasn't
a door, so I just...

I don't
believe in barriers,

because I always break them.

You must be Liz.

Yes, sir.

I actually came about my mother.

Margaret Lemon?

Well, you would have known
her as Margaret Freeman?

Maggie Freeman?

Of course I remember her.

Well, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I can't help but
wonder what my mom lost

by giving up on you.

Her perfect man.

Perfect? Sure,
I'm a famous astronaut,

decorated fighter pilot,
doctorate from M.I.T.

But even I sometimes...

I see you.

I see what you're doing.

Return to the night.

You have no business here.

Are you yelling at the moon?

I'm sorry, She and I just...

I get mad sometimes.


Look, you want to know
what your mother missed?

Years of drinking,
depression, cheating.

I flipped over a Saab
in the San Fernando Valley.

I once woke up in the
Air and Space Museum

with a revolver in the
waistband of my jean shorts.

Oh, my God.

But you're...

A human being.

But I'm at peace now.

Sober almost 32 years.

But I would have put
Maggie Freeman through hell.

The moms were right.

There's no such thing
as Astronaut Mike Dexter.

What am I doing?

I'm sorry if I've
disappointed you.

Would you like to yell at
the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Yes, please.

I own you!

You dumb moon!

I walked on your face!

Don't you know it's day?


Well, I'm ready for the show.

Mom, you're wearing my outfit.

Well, a mother makes sacrifices.

Like those 16 hours I spent in labor

even though it was Margarita
Monday at Dockside Joe's.

Daughters make sacrifices too.

Wait, why are you wearing that?

Who's paying you?

No one.

I'm wearing it for the same
reason you're wearing mine.

Because I love you.

I love you too, baby girl.

Why does your chest feel weird?

Uh... Because I
love you so much.

♪ Sincerely ♪

♪ Oh, yes, sincerely ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you so dearly ♪

You look beautiful...


Thank you...


I think I'm ready for the sex talk.

♪ Sincerely ♪

♪ Oh, you know how I love you ♪


You were right to settle.

I'm glad you married Dad.

So am I, dear.

Now would you please
find yourself someone

and start a family before my
hereditary dementia sets in?

Wait, what?

♪ Please say you'll be mine ♪


What is wrong with you?

I am 51 years old.

Do you not think I can take
care of my own personal life?

Think? I know you can't.

You do a lot of things well.

Make money, choose
wine, wear ties...

But you and women?


Divorce, broken engagements,

I assume herpes...

And I wonder why I'm like that.

Maybe it's because you can't
let go of your precious Jackie,

so you undermine
me at every turn.

I'm not going to
be around forever.

Don't pull that out, Colleen.

And if I don't do something,
you will never make a decision.

You'll just frou-frou
around with Nancy and Avery

until they're both gone.

And then, where will I be?

I'll be circling the
globe in my coffin rocket.

Something I saw on T.V.

It's very expensive.

I'm done disapproving, Jackie.

I'm just trying to help.

I need to know that someone is
looking out for my little boy.

All right, Colleen.

Then, I'm asking you, for
the first time in my life...

Tell me what to do.

And I'm going to tell you,
for the first time in my life...

I can't!

I did not lose her, sir.

Carl would never let you down.

Carl... that does
not sound right.



Who am I?

Is it Keith?

No, that's not...

Yes, I'm Keith.

That's our show!

Thanks for watching!

But before you go to bed,

our moms are going to tuck
you in with a special song.

♪ Don't go to sleep ♪

♪ with a frown in your pocket ♪

♪ Take it to the yard
and tie it to a rocket ♪

♪ Shoot it to the moon,
you'll feel better soon ♪

♪ Don't go to bed with a frown ♪

♪ Don't go to bed with a frown ♪


Stay tuned for a special
Mother's Day edition

of Bitch Hunter.