30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 22 - I Do Do - full transcript

Liz believes she's found her perfect man while between weddings with Wesley, Jack has to make a decision after Nancy meets Avery, Kenneth gets fired while trying to avoid a promotion, and Jenna's boyfriend becomes a Cher impersonator.

Previously on 30 Rock...

So you're...

In three weddings on
the same day, yeah.

Fate is telling us we're each
other's settling soul mates.

I've been seeing someone else.

And I think I'm in
love with both of you.

Jack wants me to stall?

So I'm gonna to marry...


And we're going to live in...


And I'm going to be a...


Yes, I continued
to see other people.

One person.

who, apparently,
you're also in love with.

It's possible.

Haven't you ever
read Archie comics?

Jack, I got divorced.

I didn't know if you
would ever leave Mark.

So I let myself fall
into something else.

You look amazing in that dress.

You look like a gay
mortician in that suit.

Yes, you know, Kenneth,

I have a thankless job.

For example, I'm
here on a Saturday

to show around
some KableTown folks.

It's not real.

Point is, I usually only
get to deliver bad news.

But not today.

Kenneth, you are the new
Junior In-Charge Boy

of the entire N.B.C. Page Program.

Oh, my goodness!

This is my dream come true!

And to hear it from my best
friend in the whole world,

comma, Bald Category.

Well, you start in two weeks.

And they'll give you some moving
money to help you get to L.A.


I can't move out there
and be away from all of you.

No thank you, sir, I'll pass.

You can't pass.

Jack put you up for this.

If you don't want the job,
you have to talk to him.

Fine, I will talk to him.

And Mr. Donaghy will understand,

because he's my best
friend in the whole world,

comma, Beautiful Hair
Category, parentheses, Strong.

♪ And a man must
leave his mother ♪

♪ And a woman needs her bones ♪

What can I say, Nancy?

I want to be with you.

I want to take naps with you.

I want to watch you
watch a hockey game.

I want to find long, red hairs
in my overcooked pot roast.

I love you.

I do love you.

Because you know
that what I really am

is a poor mama's boy from
"Sadchester", Massachusetts,

who had to wear his sister's
hand-me-down corduroys.

They were orange and
had hearts for pockets.

And you like me, anyway.

Yeah, I get it, Jack.

But what are you
going to do about it?

I can't share you
with another woman

like you're that
Mormon guy on H.B.O.

who was in that tornado movie.

You know, the one with
the girl with the forehead

who was married
to the Jewish guy.


I'm a mom, give me a break.

I need to know right now.

Are you in or are you out?

In. Nancy, I'm in.


Then I'm in too.

♪ Sum of all his parts... ♪

♪ There is love ♪

♪ Floyd and Katelyn... ♪

♪ There is love. ♪


What are you doing?

I thought you were going
to get your hair done

for your friend's wedding.

I was, but I forgot my bag of hair.

Is this who you're into now?


You're being another
woman behind my back?

It's not what it looks like.

Oh, spare me
your lame excuses.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but when a girl dates a straight
man who impersonates her

on stage for mostly gay audiences,

she has certain expectations.

Fidelity, Paul.

It's not just the name
of a bank that sued me.

But I love you both equally.

I don't know what to tell you.

But you have to choose.

It's her or me.

Jenna, babe, wait.

I'm sorry.

That came out wrong.

Mr. Donaghy?

God, Kenneth.

I need to talk to you about
an urgent, page-related matter.

He came out of nowhere.

We can talk on Monday.

Ms. Donovan and I have an
hour between weddings to, uh...

Tickle each other
like Teletubbies.

That's how I used to
explain it to my kids

when they walked in on us.

But I don't want
my promotion, sir.

I want to stay here in New
York with all my friends.

I'm not going to let
you say no, Kenneth.

This is a promotion for you.

And yes, it's difficult.

But today is about pulling triggers.

It's about making bold choices.

It's about...

Two Spidermans fighting,

and sometimes they
make weird noises.

But they're not
hurting each other.

How often did they
walk in on you?

A lot.

If you'll excuse me.

Oh, bother!

Treble bother!

What is it?

My fancy dress slippers.

I left them in my office.

So go get them and meet
me at Cerie's wedding.

No, when I was fired,
I vowed on the Snipes name

I would never set
foot in there again.

Also, Kevin in Security
has a picture of me.

So what, you want me
to go get your tuxedo shoes?

See, our minds are already one,
as our bodies soon shall be.

There's the address.

Of course, you
work in insurance.

Specializing in the
transportation industry.

It fulfills my boyhood
passion for train accidents.

Fine, I'll go get your shoes.

Farewell, my luscious plum.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Why is your face like that?


No way, Ken.

You've got
to tank this promotion.

Do a sloppy job, and
they'll leave you alone.

That's how I got out of
doing foreplay with Angie.

And my taxes.

But that's not in my nature.

If you've learned anything from
me, it's how to do a bad job.

Go, honor me.

Save yourself.

But first, get me a sandwich.

Get it yourself, Chubbs.

I'm on a coffee break.

That's my boy.

Oh, I'm going to hit the
ladies' room real quick.

You can never tell
when one of these

non-denominational, goof-around
weddings is going to start.

Jack Donaghy.

Paul L'Astname.

I'm Jenna's boyfriend.

Oh, I've heard a
lot about you, Paul.

Well, it's all true.

I'm a native of Houston
and I love to cook healthy.

And the female
impersonator stuff.

Oh, sure, of course.

That's actually been causing
some problems at home lately.

Do you think it's possible
to love two women at once?

I know it's possible.

But at some point, you
have to choose, Paul.

You can't delude yourself
with thoughts like,

What if I could
somehow combine them into

one perfect woman, like a

s'more you could take a shower with?

But how do you know if you've
made the right decision?

You don't.

You'll always be wondering what
your life would have been like

if you'd opened that other door.

Like at a haunted
house sex party.


Thank you, Jack.

Come on, Jessup,
get it together.

No tears!

Everything all right in there?

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Here, you need this
more than I do.

I never put my mouth on it.


You look so familiar to me.

Oh, I'm a financial
reporter for C.N.B.C.

"The Hot Box with Avery Jessup"?

Oh, god, I did.

Oh, that was before I got
rid of my Maryland accent.

Does the "O" have it?

Oh, we do.

Do you "O"?

Oh, no.

Let go.


Ugh, that accent's idiotic.

Anyway, nice to meet
you, Avery Jessup.

I'm Nancy.

Hi, I'm not normally this, uh...


I came here to
talk to my boyfriend.

Or whatever he is.

I mean, this whole situation is...

Clamp down, Jessup!

Be a winner!

Oh, my God.

I can't drink this.

You want to talk about it?

Oh, tuxedo slippers.

You freak.

Excuse me, I'm supposed
to meet you here?


Are you Wesley?

I'm Carol.

I'm sorry, what's happening now?

I'm supposed to meet a Wesley
about my insurance claim?

Wesley doesn't
work here anymore.

Are you serious?

I mean, I made the
appointment, like, a month ago.

I rearranged my whole Saturday.

Are you a doorman?

Yeah, I'm a doorman.

To the sky.

I'm a pilot.

Oh, okay.

Well, look, it's a pretty
standard workman's comp claim.

I'm sure you could handle it.

I was flying the 7:00 A.M.
from Tampa to Louisville,

and we had a
two-hour weather delay.

So naturally, all the
passengers got drunk.

Generally speaking, if there's
a delay of more than 20 minutes,

I might as well be
driving a party bus.

It's just... idiocy.

I don't know what's
going on in this country.

I know, people wear
flip-flops to church.

And the N.B.A. tattoo
situation is out of control.

Thank you.

Anyway, we're about a
half hour into the flight.

I hear this commotion
behind me in the cabin.

So I exit the cockpit,
I go down the aisle,

and to my left, I see...

A terrorist?

No, I wish.

No, it's a drunk lady.

She's pulled her pants off.

And she's ranting.

She's complaining about
the in-flight entertainment.

So things got a little heated,

and, uh... I had to
implement Sky Law.


Sky Law.

It's when I put on the
"Fasten Seat Belt" sign

and no one's allowed
to move until

we've had 10 minutes of silence.

Well, I made the whole thing up,

but, you know,
people are stupid,

so they don't question it.

That is awesome.

So what is the workman's
comp part of this?

Eventually, I flipped
the drunk lady off.

She bit my finger.

I know, it's totally unprofessional.

But she was bagging
pretty hard on my T.G. S.


T.G.S., it's this
late-night show on N.B.C.

We run it in-flight when
we're northwest bound.

Basically the greatest
thing ever on television.

I don't stand for anybody
besmirching it on my aircraft.

Do you believe in fate?

Wait a minute, are
you kidding me?

You write for T.G.S.
with Tracy Jordan?

I'm the head writer.

I'm not an insurance
claims adjuster.

I'm just here because...

my cousin...

Well, I mean, it's my
favorite show ever.

There's this one Fart Doctor
sketch where Fart Doctor

is trying to figure out who
farted in the spelling bee,

and he's like...

"He who spelt it, dealt it."

I wrote that.

I write all the Fart Doctors.

I can't believe this.

Would you like to go to a
rich girl's wedding with me?

I don't know.

Does that sound like more
fun than me eating alone

at the LaGuardia Chili's?

I won't leave you, sir.

No matter what it takes.

Good afternoon and welcome.


We begin our stupid tour
of this once-great network

outside Studio 6-H.


Ring, ring.


What's up?


Just giving a dumb tour
to a bunch of uggos.

Let's meet up later and
smoke some drug cigarettes.

So you're a pilot, huh?

I should pick your brain.

I'm developing a daytime talk
show with Sully Sullenberger.

Yeah, I've met that guy.

He's not that great.

You know what a great
pilot would have done?

Not hit the birds.

That's what I do every day.

Not hit birds.

Where's my ticket to the Grammys?

Hey, what took you so
long in the bathroom?

Ah, the usual ladies' room nonsense.

A girl with boyfriend trouble,
someone forgot tampons,

everybody was bad
at science and math.

You know the drill.

The ceremony will
be starting soon.

Ah, I'll get our table number.

You get us as many
drinks as you can carry.

I'll see you at
the reception, Liz.



Get ready for some of this.


He's here with you?

Indeed, he is.

I see that Nancy's still here.

You're welcome.

A smug, 40-year-old bridesmaid.

What a treat for everyone.

Yes, Lemon, I am with Nancy now.

What made up your mind?

Well, I decided that any decision

was better than no decision at all.

Huh, I don't know, Jack.

I used to feel that way too.

But now, I know you
can't force your fate.

You just have to
let it wash over you.

Like a spray tan that won't take
because your skin is too oily.

That's absurd, Lemon.

The world is made by those
who control their own destiny.

It isn't made by
those who don't do,

it's made by those who do do.

Which is what made me the man I am.

I do do.


Grow up, Lemon.

The point is, I've made my choice,

and I'm not looking back, period.


Avery Jessup?

Son of a...

What did you do
on your tour today?

Those were the
KableTown executives.

Our new bosses.

Sir, I was just
trying to do a bad job,

so I wouldn't have
to go to Los Angeles.

Everyone there smiles
creepily all the time,

and that's sort of my thing.

Kenneth, you're not
going to Los Angeles.

Because they're
making me fire you.

You're fired.


Here, this is yours.

Oh, Nancy, I'm sorry.

This is an embarrassing oversight.

Jack, this morning
in church, you told me

all the reasons that you love me,

some more graphic than were
appropriate for the setting.

Now I want you to tell
me what's so special

about this other woman.

Well, I like how
she's less hot than you?

I'm serious.

What can I say?

She's smart, she's pretty.

She can tell you the Dow 40
in order of market cap.

She knows how to
field dress a deer.

Why do you...

Go on.

Okay, her laugh.

It's like music.

Really mean music.

And she always wears high heels,

because, according to her,
flat shoes are for quitters.

For God's sakes, what can I say?

You'd like her, Nancy.

So you weren't
lying when you said

you were in love with two women.

No, I wasn't lying.

Good, then I feel a
lot better about leaving.


Avery's here, Jack.

And she's pregnant.

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

Nah, it's fate.

You're supposed to be a dad.

By the way, when I blew
your mind last night...

I was giving it
about 50 percent.

Unhand my fiancee!

No, no, he's just a groomsman.

And a Somali pirate.


You try to end our engagement
with a textual transmission?

Your behavior as a fiancee has
been as weak as American tea.

There, I've said it.

Our first argument, everyone.

You're engaged?

What if the bachelorette
party theme was "sluts"?

No, the engagement is off.

You keep talking about how fate
is trying to push us together.

You know what? It is.

But not to meet you.

To meet the right man.

His name is Carol.

Like Carroll O'Connor.

From Nick at Nite.

Exactly, Cerie, thank you.

Carol is the one that
I was fated to meet.

And yeah, I've only known
him for a few hours,

and maybe this sounds crazy.

But I already feel like I could

spend the rest of my life with him.

He's the one that
I've been waiting for.

And someday, when Carol sees
my disgusting foot secret,

he's going to be okay with it.

I can tell.

You were wrong, Wesley.

We don't have to settle.

The moms were wrong.

Stupid Buzz Aldrin was wrong.

So thank you and goodbye.

Praise to the universe!

Love is real!

Fine, it's your loss.

There's only one
Wesley Snipes in this world.

You know there isn't.


How much of that did you hear?

Well, you were engaged.

You apparently hate Buzz Aldrin.

Foot problem.

And you and I are going to spend
the rest of our lives together.

I see.

I'm sure you could
get a cab on Houston.

Yeah, I'm going to depart.

On time.

I'm a pilot.



♪ In your eyes... ♪

♪ In your eyes... ♪

♪ There is a light in your eyes ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

Could you turn that down, please?

Mazel tov.

I'm trying to tell you
I want to get married.

Oh, for God's sakes, Jack.

What do you think?

You're just going to
sweep me off my feet?

This pregnancy is two
years ahead of schedule.

I'm suing Dodecacil.

I'm suing you.

I'm suing this baby.

You can't control
everything, Avery.

Sometimes, it's just fate.

Ugh, is there gay
juice in the champagne?

See, I want you to teach our child

how to say awesome stuff like that.

I would be a kick-ass mom.

But if this is just you
trying to do the right thing...

No, I want this.

but I've always wanted this.

But maybe it's too hard.

The career, motherhood...

Keeping it tight to stay
camera-ready for breaking news.

I mean, sure, Soledad
O'Brien does it, but...

I wipe the floor with that bitch.

Let's do this.

Love is patient,

Love is weird,

and sometimes gross.

Love is elusive.

And you have found it.

So treasure it.

To Grizz and Feyonce.

On behalf of Grizz and Feyonce,

I'd like to thank Jack Donaghy

for letting us have
this reception here

after the other location
couldn't support the weight

of Grizz's extended family.

Naturally, I blew it.

Now, I'm alone in a dashiki.

I wonder what that
Somali pirate's deal is?

I could live on a boat.

I don't even know where Paul went.

I guess he made his choice.

You know what? Forget men.

We've got each other.

Yeah, let's go lez.

No, I meant, like, a book
club or something, jeez.

Right, sisterhood.

That's something
we can count on.

I'll never... is that Paul?

You have a lot of taped-up balls
to come here dressed like that.

Oh, my God.

If this is going to work, Jenna,

it can't just be all about you.


No buts.

I'm the man here, and
you're going to respect me.

Yes, shma'am.

Lemon, you know that's a
young boy's puberty dashiki.

Wrong, Jack, it's a
warlord's concubine dashiki.

Avery, you're here.

I'm not surprised.

Why should I be?

And I'm pregnant.

Also not shocking me.

Reacting appropriately.

Lemon, I think your pilot
friend is looking for you.

So? I thought he
was gone forever.

I guess I should go talk to him.

Carol, what are you doing here?

How did you get past security?

If you walk briskly
in a pilot's uniform,

you can go pretty much anywhere.

I've been upstairs
at the White House

while the Obamas were sleeping.

I thought you had a flight.

Yeah, I do.

But those dirtbags can wait on
the runway a couple more hours.

I hate people too.

Look, I'm 39 years old.

I'm single.

And, lately, I've been thinking
there's a reason for that.

I keep expecting
people to be perfect.

But nobody's perfect.

Yes, exactly.

So if the worst thing
about you is that you give

crazy speeches to
fiances and maybe

have some kind of foot thing...

That was a joke,
I have medicine for it.

Why don't we give this a shot?

As long as you're not Jewish.

I'm totally kidding.

Yes, let's do this.

And honestly, Carol,
I am a very normal person.

Not a good time, guys.

Liz... Cher, me, Paul,
and I want to thank you

for being a part of our lives.

And for encouraging
us to be like this.

I can't believe
I'm meeting one and a half

Jenna Maroneys right now.


Hi, there... Carol.

Carol, that's a girl's name.

It's a family name.

Hey, everybody.

I got fired today.

You won't have
Kenneth Ellen Parcell

to kick around anymore.

So I want to tell you people
what I really think of you.

This ain't the...

No, no!

For four long years, I have
listened to you all complain

about your East Coast
Media Elite problems.

Your apartment
renovations and your

overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.

That doorman is hammered.

I have watched you
throw away better food

than my family eats at Christmas.

And I have loved it.

You people...

You are my best friends.

And I hope you get
everything you want in life.


So kiss my face!

That was actually really sweet.

I'll see
you all in heaven!

Have a wonderful summer.

♪ Joyful, joyful,
you better be joyful ♪

♪ Joy every day,
oh, every day ♪

♪ Open, open that
door to heaven ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, bring me
out of darkness ♪

♪ The shadows have faded away ♪

♪ We all will go up to heaven ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy and joyful
heaven at 30 Rock ♪