30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 19 - Argus - full transcript

Lemon.

I just got my bridesmaid's dress

For cerie's wedding.

It is a vietnamese size two.

Dressing up isn't
any easier for men.

Do you know what it's like
when a younger man shows up

Wearing the same cufflinks?

You might as well be invisible.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna
let this dress win.

I have a plan.
This morning, I joined--

- A suicide cult!
- A gym.



What do you want, jack?

I just received a
call from don geiss'

Estate lawyer.

Apparently, I've been
named in his will.

I know this is a
difficult time for you,

But word of advice:

If the will says that you
have to spend the night

In a haunted house,
you better hope

That everybody else there
is black guys and sluts.

I just want something
to remember the man by.

- Okay.
- His pen or his tie clip.

Maybe that boyhood
sled he held so dear.

I believed he called it...

Sleddy.



Something which I, in turn,

Can then pass on to my...
Protege.

any chance it's one of those

Bendy hospital beds?

Maybe. He did have three.

he was such an amazing man.

Before we rehearse,

I have an announcement to make.

Our boy grizz is getting
married on may 22nd.

Jeez, another wedding.

Life is like tv.

Testing tells us that people
like weddings, births,

And episodes where
a character dies.

That's dumb.

My heart!

So I thought grizz might
want to take this time

To announce who's
gonna be his best man.

Um...I haven't decided yet.

"um, I haven't decided yet."

You sound like my mother

Talking to the planned
parenthood lady.

Seriously, which one of
your rich and famous friends

With hepatitis b are
you going to pick?

Let's not do this in
front of everybody.

Let's not do this in
front of everybody?

You sound like my mother
being pulled onstage

At a 2 live crew concert.

Damn.

My mother had problems.

Oh, brother,
we have to tell jenna

We can't do her
kardashian sketch

Because jack is "bros"
with lamar odom.

you are such a coward!

you think I care what you think?

Hey, jenna!

So look, we can't do
the kardashian sketch.

Okay, I understand.

Pete, there you are you.

I heard one of your
kids broke his arm.

Oh, uh, yeah.

The shed I built
collapsed on him.

Well, is he gonna be okay?

What's going on?

Why are you being
so happy and nice?

Are you soaking your
tampo in vodka again?

Because the glue is abrasive.

But I'm really happy.

Is there any chance

This might make
our lives easier?

No way. I have seen
this 100 times.

She gets psyched about some guy,

He reveals himself to be crazy,

Then there's a terrible breakup,

And we suffer.

Remember when she
dated that sniper?

And so it's over.

Jenna, there's a laser
sight on your forehead.

Oh, please. He's not gonna fire.

For god's sakes,
he's scared of his own mother!

Aren't cha, alan?

Aah!

Whoever this new guy is,

We need to figure out his deal

Before she gets burned
and takes it out on us.

Tell me about it.

Remember this breakup,
when she bit me?

Pete, that was, like,
two years ago.

It just won't heal.

That concludes mr.
Geiss' financial disbursements.

I believe all have
been accounted for.

His daughter. His lovely wife.

His even lovelier mistress.

The secret canadian family.

And his even more
secret attic family.

L that remains are a
few personal items.

"to my daughter cathy,

"I bequeath my pocket watch.

"it comes with very specific
instructions for care,

"the most important of which

Is to not let the
piece get wet."

"to my protege and friend,
john francis donaghy,

"I leave a gift

"from the gardens of my
estate in connecticut.

My beloved pet peacock, argus."

Hello, old friend.

Ugh! Vietnamese size two.

Beth, I hope it
wasn't awkward for you

When tracy brought
up my wedding.

Why would it be awkward?

Because of our sexual past.

Leave it open. I'd feel safer.

How could I help you, grizz?

Well, tracy keeps pushing...

To be your best man.

Yeah, I noticed that.

But I wanna pick dotcom and...

And you're afraid that
tracy will freak out.

So you want me to help you
convince him to step aside.

You know my every thought, beth.

We really were the sam
and diane of this place.

no.

Liz, pete,

I want you to meet someone.

This is my boyfriend paul.

- Pete hornberger.
- Hey.

But you can call me dallas.

this could be the start
of something for me.

It's really nice to meet you,

And I'm a big fan of the show.

Yeah, so, paul,
what's your deal?

How did you guys meet?

Through a mutual fund.

Friend, jenna.

Oh, of course.
Through a friend fund.

Noted.

And what do you do
for a living, paul?

Oh, I work for a bank.

-...Rupt circus.

He works for a bankrupt circus.

Okay, he's hiding something.

I'm guessing...

Already-married cat strangler.

Hmm.

Hey, could I just get a signa--

Agh! Living dinosaur!

Lemon.

This is argus.

He was a gift from don geiss.

Don's last gift, to be exact.

Why did don geiss
have a peacock?

Is that an nbc thing?

No, don owned argus long
before he bought nbc.

Peacocks can live
up to 40 years,

Longer if they're not part
of mike tyson's home zoo.

Ohh, what a weird gift.

Not at all.

When don was first
taking me under his wing,

He and I would sit
on the veranda

Of his home in connecticut,

Talking about business,
politics,

How to avoid getting paper
cuts while making love

On a pile of money.

And our friend argus would strut
proudly through the garden.

We three peacocks felt
like we owned the world.

Well, that's a--

how did he get up here so quick?

You know, I never told
anybody this before, lemon,

But don and I had
nicknames for each other.

Like we might someday, j-town?

We called each other
sempai and kohai.

Master and pupil.

Terms we learned
on a trip to japan

Because they played the movie
rising sun on the airplane.

Don was my sempai.

Now this bird is...
All that remains.

Jack, I'm really
sorry for your--

Oh, his feather
went in my mouth.

Ew, it's so oily.

Lemon, he's marked you.

He thinks you're his wife.

Go! Get out.

yah!

Hey, tracy.

Grizz and I were just talking.

Of course.
You guys are very close.

Continue.

And we had an amazing idea.

We thought that maybe,
at the wedding,

You could be the lead
singer of the band.

Really? I'd be awesome at that.

You would.

Now, of course you
couldn't sing and--

But who's gonna tell you two?

The wedding band is u2?

No! You two idiots!

I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to manipulate me

Into not being the best man.

And, damn it, grizz,

I've known you since
you was six feet tall!

I'm gonna be your best man!

I am the leader
of this entourage!

and because of you,
I'm having a tantrum!

Now pick up that table
and smash it for me!

That's right!

I know that.

Hey, jenna...

What are you doing?

I'm just feeling the weight

Of jenna's jewelry
on my finger pads.

pete!

Pete!

Ugh. Dallas. - What's up?

Paul is getting weirder.

We've got to step it up.

You know what we should do,
we should follow him.

I don't care how long it takes.

What's going on?

Your kids have a play tonight?

Oklahoma.

They couldn't find
cowboy hats big enough

For my kid's head,

So they're just wearing turbans.

It's on. When paul leaves,
we follow him,

Cia style.

And afterwards, I go to the gym.

Words are the first step
on the road to deeds!

You wanted to see me, sir?

Oh, my, what a
gorgeous swamp eagle.

This is argus.

He is very special to me.

- Is he okay?
- I don't know.

He's become listless.

And he won't eat any
of the peacock food

I got at the crazy rich
person's pet store.

Frankly, I don't
know what to do.

He's recently taken a mate.

Lemon.

Good luck, argus.

Well, sir, there's nothing
wrong with this bird.

He's just very old.

Argus probably doesn't
have very long to live.

All of your page
duties stop right now.

The welfare of this bird
is your only concern.

He lives...Or you die.

I was about to suggest
the same thing.

Hey, dummy,

What are you doing to grizz?

Whoa, you watch your mouth,

Before I show you
the back of my hand.

Look, you gotta grow up
about this best man thing.

Liz lemon, I don't even
want to be best man.

Why would I?

Show up one time,
not lose a ring,

Keep my shirt on
through a dinner? Psh.

Then why are you
throwing a fit about it?

Because I'm trying to
protect dotcom, dummy.

He's in love with
grizz's fiancee...

Feyonce!

Oh, your stutter is back.

No, grizz's fiancee's
name is feyonce.

Like beyonce with an "f."

- Ah, come on.
- Listen...

We cannot make dotcom

Get up there and give a
speech at that wedding.

It'd kill him!

Wow, I can't believe
that you are using

Your infantile
selfishness for good.

I'm impressed, tracy.

You think that's impressive,

Watch me stand on one foot.

Hang on. I did it earlier.

You're right, tracy.

You've got to convince
grizz to choose you.

No, you do.

Why do I have to do everything?

Oh! I am never gonna
fit in that dress.

Bored!

What? Ohh.

That's a bar.

We're gonna have to
drink a lot to fit in.

I don't understand
where he went.

Can I get five more beers here?

Name's dallas.

I don't get it. Did we lose him?

What if he's in a secret
back room doing pot?

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

For miss jinah baloney!

what did he say?

Is that jenna?

No, it's paul.

* my muffin top is all that *

* whole grain, low fat *

* I know you want
a piece of that *

* but I just want to dance *

I'm jenna. Naturally.

Jenna's boyfriend is a
jenna maroney impersonator.

* *

Work it, miss thang.

Oh, god.

I'm gonna need five more
cranberry juices over here!

Jack, I just found
out that jenna

Is dating a guy who does
a drag show...As her.

Lemon, what is with
this food layout?

Kenneth says he needs
some sumac bark

And shrub yellow root

To make a poultice for argus.

How is your thing
weirder than mine?

I...

I am not letting that bird die.

And why does he have to?

For god's sakes,
if we can put an ear

On a mouse's back,

We can certainly make
a peacock immortal.

Oh, jack, I know this
is important to you,

But it is just a bird.

I mean, do you think maybe
you're so worked up about argus

Because you never let
yourself grieve for don?

I did grieve for don.

As soon as jack welch told me,

I went through all
five stages of grief.

Don is dead.

What?

You didn't do anything.

- Let me retell it-
- in slow motion.

Don is dead.

* *

See?

Sir, I just wanted
to let you know,

Argus is sleeping.

And you left him alone?

What if he rolls
over on his back

And his cloaca
fills with mucous?

Oh, brother. This is
not about some peacock.

We're gonna have to
help him, kenneth.

I have an idea, but you're
gonna have to take the lead,

Because I am stretched
pretty thin.

Well, not new york thin, but--

Don't worry,
I'm on it, ms. Lemon.

Sorry--mrs. Argus.

Okay.

Beth, I need you to
do something for me.

Yeah, actually,
I need to talk to you

About the wedding.

I'm too upset to talk.

Look at me.

What's this?

Grizz has asked me to
read this to both of you.

"dear friends,

"I don't want any more
fighting or bad feelings.

"tracy, I love you,
but I've known dotcom

"ever since we went to
above the beanstalk,

"a free summer camp for giants.

"I want him to be my best man.

"and if you care about me,

"you'll respect my decision.

I will always be your"--

Oh, no, I'm white.
I can't read that word.

"friend from the neighborhood.

Grizz."

I'm so honored.

Now no one is getting hurt.

No one at all.

Thanks, guys.

I'm so happy.

Hey! Jenna!

So nice to meet paul!

Interesting guy.

How much do you know about him?

Well, I lost a toe ring in him,

So I'd say a lot.

No, I mean, like,
what he does...

At night,
and what he wears there

And who he's being.

So...You know about paul's act.

Wait, you know about paul's act?

How do you think we met?

Paul won a jenna maroney
impersonator contest,

At which I came in fourth.

And now you're dating him?

That's it, right there.

That face.

That is exactly why

I didn't tell you about
paul in the first place.

Your judgmental badger face.

Jenna, even for you,

This is weird. Be a friend, liz.

Until then, I don't
want to talk to you.

Looks like one of
us is in trouble.

- How is he?
- He's awake. But...

But what?

Well, sir,

I've spent a lot of
time with peafowl.

They make all sorts
of different noises.

ooh, that's a car alarm.

Kenneth, what's your point?

It's just I've never
in all my life

Heard a peacock say

Sempai and kohai.

What did you say?

Sempai and kohai.

At least, that's
what it sounded like.

Kenneth, I've been under
a lot of strain lately.

But do you believe a human soul

Could be transferred
into an animal vessel?

Sir, I think that there's
a lot about this world

That we don't understand.

Like the afterlife.

Or how bread turns into toast.

Liz,

I am in love with grizz's
fiancee, feyonce.

Oh, my god!

I definitely didn't know that.

Would you talk to
grizz and convince him

Tracy should be his best man?

Okay, yeah. I'll try to help.

But can I please go
to the gym first?

No.

Hello.

badger.

It's another badger.

The third badger
has taken the bait.

Why is everyone
code named badger?

I thought you said you
wanted to do it this way.

No, I said I didn't care.

Jenna, can we please
talk about this

Before it becomes a big--

Aah! - Hello, liz.

Jenna told me I didn't need
to hide from you anymore.

All right,
let's cut to the chase.

What's your game, friend?

What are you getting out of this

What am I getting out of this?

Yeah.

I am the luckiest
"shman" in the world.

I get to be with
the most talented,

Beautiful, sexy woman ever.

So you aren't just
using her for your act?

My act?

I'd never tuck my penis
again if she asked me.

All I want to do

Is spend my days listening
to her talk and sing

And scream at her cleaning
lady on the phone.

To be honest, liz,

I just don't understand
what she gets out of it.

I think I do, paul.

She finally gets
to love herself.

It's perfect.

What are you two talking about?

You, jenna.

Ooh.

This situation is
empirically weird.

But...I'm glad you're happy.

I heard what you said about me.

You're so sweet.

God, you're incredible.

Okay, guys, let's just...

Ew, jenna, why are you
grabbing his boobs?

I don't know, argus.

Maybe it's the scotch talking,

But I think...

There might be a man's
soul inside you.

This is crazy, but, don,

If you're in there...

Give me a sign.

You want a drink.

Don...

Sempai...

There's just a few things

I want you to know.

You're the father
that I never had.

Just let me finish.

I want to live the
rest of my life

In a way that'll make you proud.

I just wish you could be
here to watch me do it.

Good-bye, sir.

All right, grizz.

I'm gonna speak
frankly to you now.

And I can do that
because of our...

Sexual past.

Damn, beth, let it go.

Don't even have a best man.

Your wedding day

Is about you and your bride.

So who cares what anyone thinks?

Love isn't judgmental.

Love is patient.

Love is...Weird.

And sometimes gross.

Love is elusive.

And you found it.

So treasure it.

And maybe don't leave
it alone with dotcom.

That was beautiful.

Look at me...

Crying like a baby.

So now I am grizz and feyonce's

Woman of honor.

And he wants me to
give the same speech

At the hunts point marriott
while wearing a dashiki.

So you're--

In three weddings in
the same day, yeah.

You're welcome.

* when I was young *

* I never needed anyone *

* makin' love was just for fun *

* those days are gone *

* all by myself *

* don't wanna be *

* all by myself *

* anymore *

This is awesome!