30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 18 - Khonani - full transcript

Liz discovers that the TGS staff has been excluding her from their weekly hangouts, and strives to prove that she can be fun. Jack must choose between janitors and the shift time they both want, and Kenneth aids Tracy Jordan in being a good husband.


Did you know that everybody

here went out last night?

Without us?

Oh, nerds!



Yeah, Thursday Night Thunder.

That's been going on for years.

You know about it?

How come I've never been invited?

Don't you think
that's a little bit rude?

Well, I yelled "Baba Booey"
at Walter Cronkite's funeral,

so I actually have no
idea of what's rude or not.

Yeah, well, let me...

But I couldn't thunder last night,

because I had to
take Angie to the E.R.

She had some complications
with her pregnancy.

So that kind of trumps
your little problem.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

How is she?

Well, she's fine and the baby's fine.

But they put her on bed rest

until her blood
pressure goes down.

Well, listen, Tray,
if there's anything I can do,

please let me know.

There is one thing.

Could you take care
of Angie like a husband

until this whole assache blows over?

Absolutely not.

What about you, K?

I'm on it, sir.

Oh, my.

I haven't seen your
brow that furrowed

since you saw that picture
of Helen Mirren in a bikini.

How is it possible?

Is she a wizard?

A question for another time, Lemon.

I was with Avery last night,

and I almost had a
Nancy-related incident.

Oh, Jack.

Oh, Nan... na.


I was saying, "Oh, Nana."

Have I not told you about
my grandmother fetish?

Avery actually tried to get on board.

Later that night,

she put some mothballs behind
her ears and fed me peppermints.

She is in it to win it.

This can't go on.

I'm making a decision
about Nancy and Avery today.

I'm going in the bunker.

No distractions.

I had Jonathan remove the bar

and my collection of 18th
century French erotica.

I've had to make some
tough calls over the years.

Switching Sheinhardt's wig production

to 100 percent Chinese cadaver hair.

Turning down Dick Cheney's
offer to become King of Iraq.

Selecting the brand,
new logo for N.B.C.

It's fresh.

But this Nancy, Avery thing

is the toughest decision
I've ever had to make.

Well, I'm glad you're
taking it seriously.

Although sometimes, when
you try so hard to find love,

you can't see that
it's been standing

in front of you the whole time.

Oh, good God, Lemon.

What did you come in here for?

Last night, I saw my
entire staff out at a bar.

They go out every week,
and I'm never invited.

Do they not even like me?

Oh, don't worry.

It's healthy.

Bosses need to keep their distance

from their subordinates.

Mr. Donaghy...

I have to run out
to Mr. Jordan's house.

I'll call you when I get
there so you know I'm safe.

No, I don't care if you're safe.

I love you!

After four years, I thought
I was close with these people.

I thought we were a...

Don't say family.


Then, I see them out
at a bar without me

giving each other windmill highfives.

Like in Top Gun.

But this is your staff.

You can't let it bother you.

You could always come up
here and have a drink with me,

a fellow manager.

Oh, great, that
sounds really fun.

I'll just pour myself a drink.

Oh, I dropped my glass.

Is that supposed to be a broom?

Anchor the handle.

There it is.

This better be important.

I'm in a meeting.

Mr. Jordan?

The situation here has deteriorated.

Great update, Ken.

Thanks for checking in.

Talk to you later.

Actually, sir...

I think you should come home.

Mrs. Jordan said she's going to

turn her rings around
if she sees me again.

She wants you to come help her.

What? But why?

You're much better at that
serving stuff than I am.

Well, your wife thinks taking
care of her should be your job.

And I have to agree, sir.

You made a promise to care for
her in sickness and in health.

Don't you remember
your wedding vows?

To be honest, I couldn't
really understand anything

Rick James was saying.

Come home, Mr. Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan needs you.


I'll be there soon.

And if you get hungry,

you can help yourself to
anything in the fridge.

And once I'm there, I'll determine

how much to charge you.

Hey, buddies.

Anybody do anything fun last night?

What about you, Frank?

What did you do?

I, uh, had a doctor's appointment.

Oh, really? For what?


Oh, God.

It looks like the
underside of an octopus.

Hey, Liz, can I talk to
you and Jenna in the office

where everyone
clips their toenails?

Not cool, guys.

As you guys know,

I'm getting married on May 22nd.

You are? Still?

Well, it was off for a while,

because my fiance
was on his dad's yacht

and got captured by pirates.

But now, thanks to
the A-Team, he's back.


He has a different energy now.

He's quieter.

But we're getting married.

And are we still in the wedding?

Of course.

The bridesmaids are you
guys, Andy Roddick's wife,

my Dutch cousins, and Penelope
Cruz's hotter sister, Monica.

You're going to be
so out of place, Liz.

Anyway, my mom
said that if you guys

are going to throw me a work party,

it has to be this week.

Oh, no. Really?

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

It's just that the schedule's
really filling up now

that Aris is finally getting
over his Stockholm Syndrome.

Oh, that reminds me.

You guys may have to walk down
the aisle with some pirates.

It's just, I don't think I
can plan a party this week.

I'm doing a juice fast and
it's making me really grouchy.

You know what?

This is perfect.

I'll have that party tonight.

And it will be fun.

And you'll all see that I'm fun.

So screw both of you.

And screw everybody out here!

Liz Lemon is having a party!

♪ And there ain't no party
like a Liz Lemon party ♪

♪ 'cause a Liz Lemon
party is mandatory ♪

All right, Donaghy.

Follow your heart.

Hard Equations And Rational Thinking.

Damn you, HEART.

I'm sorry, sir.

There's a minor janitor problem.

I apologize for letting a
Kashmiri into your office.

I just need five minutes
of your time, Mr. Donaghy.

Now would be a good time, actually,

to handle the janitor situation.

But sir, what about...

I always say bosses should stay

deeply involved with
their subordinates.

Does this mean you're
coming to my cabaret?

Jonathan, close the door.


So what can I do for you?

It has been a week and I have
heard nothing from you, sir.

Have you forgotten our agreement?

About me taking over 11:30?

I'm sorry, what?

Five years ago, I threatened to quit

unless you got me out
of the late night shift.

Wow, other than some
notable recent exceptions,

N.B.C. never guarantees
employment terms

five years in advance.

I have a contract.

That is my signature.

You signed it on April 22, 2005.

Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd

I honor Richard Nixon's
death by getting drunk

and making some
unpopular decisions.

Well, I want the earlier shift.

It's better pay and more prestigious.

Ever since I am a little boy,

I am dreaming of hosing the tonight shift.

Okay, uh, calm down...


I understand that I
made you a promise,

and we're going to keep it.

Because this is N.B.C.

The Biggest Loser network.

So you'll fix this?


Well, this is a janitor emergency,

and I really have no
choice but to make it

my number one priority.

Good, thank you.

Can I have those pictures

for a special book the janitors keep?

Absolutely not.

Good... Good monster.

Good, scary monster.

Hey, Ken.

Isn't that a fun place to stand?

Oh, I forgot to warn you
about my dog, Tracy Sr.

I trained him to
hate white people.

Because, not to profile,
but most ghosts are white.

This is my boy, here.

And look what Angie did to him.

She set up an invisible fence.

He gets shocked if he
tries to leave the property.

Just because he'd run away
and cause car accidents

and impregnate neighbors' horses.

He's trapped here, just like me.

Sir, you're not trapped.

Mrs. Jordan just wants
you to be here for her.

I'm trying, Ken!

And I want to be responsible.

But I've been me for a long time.

Well, Mrs. Jordan isn't asking for a lot.

Right now, she just has a craving

for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

No, we're not supposed
to do any sex stuff

while she's on bed rest.

Oh, like, a real one!

I'm on it.

Maybe this will get Angie to
stop calling me irresponsible.

Just stay focused and take
this sandwich to my wife.

Nope, I'm in a strip club.

My bad.

Hey, Jenna, if I'm expecting
about 20 people tonight,

how much ice should I get?

Oh, you don't want to
mess with that stuff, Liz.

Ice has caused a lot of
O.D. s in the porn community.

Oh, you mean frozen water?

Well, I don't know.

I just, uh, don't want
to forget anything.

Don't worry.

No one's expecting a lot.

No, tonight is going to be different.

There's going to be booze
and a karaoke machine

and that Black Eyed Peas song
they wrote for bar mitzvahs.

Jenna Maroney to the floor.

Sure, it will.


Lemon, you know...

Subhas, the current first shift janitor?

Uh, kind of.

According to
the janitor community...

you call him frequently

regarding home toilet situations.

No, it's not that, we're dating.

Lemon, please.

Look, I just need his phone number.

Wait, what does this...

have to do with Avery and Nancy?

That is taking a backseat...

to this janitor situation right now.

I need Subhas to step down.

But Subhas does a great job.

Look, five years ago, I promised
Khonani the earlier shift.

Why would you ever promise that?

Honestly, these
immigrants have a tough life...

no health care,

and I kind of just thought he'd
die before it became a thing.

Are you sure that
you're not just using this...

as an excuse to avoid
your real problem?

Lemon, this is a janitor emergency.

I need that phone number.

Okay, let me find it.



I know you know it by heart.


All right, Khonani.

If I've learned anything
from recent experience,

it's that we have to
handle this next step

with Subhas very delicately.

Oh, don't worry,
Subhas will want to leave,

spend time on his hobbies.

He collects classic car...


Classic cardboard.

Ken, why did you let
me go to a strip club?

I tried to stop you, sir,

but you threw your dog at me.

This is bad!

Because I can't change.

I'm like a chameleon...

Always a lizard!

This better be a meeting.

'Cause I'm important!

Tracy, it's Liz.

I want you to know that,
at my party tonight,

you are off the leash.

I want to see the behavior that got you

kicked out of the Inaugural Ball.

I can't, L. L.

First of all, the
Secret Service never gave me

back my t-shirt cannon.

And second of all,
I've got to stay home

and take care of Angie.

What? no.

Come on, you have to come.

I need you.

This party has to be off the hook.

People don't say that anymore.

They say, "Surf Party U.S.A."

Tracy, this is important.

I have to prove to my co-workers

that I am not some
angry, un-fun woman

who doesn't deserve to be included.

Look, Liz Lemon.

I know your feelings are hurt.

But parties are like frisbees.

If you throw them the wrong way,

they'll veer off in a bad direction.

And then your kid will
fall into a quarry.


Don't throw
a party for vengeance.

It will turn on you.

Like your wife,

after your kid has
fallen into a quarry.

You know what?

Fine, I don't need you.

I am going to crush this
party Liz Lemon style.

I don't know what to do.

A party is in trouble, and I'm
the only one that can save it.

But your wife and unborn
daughter need you here.

I'm torn, K-Pax.

I know I should be here,

but my body's going
to take me to Liz Lemon's.

What do I do?

Put the electric dog collar on me.

It would be my honor.

Subhas, thank you for coming in

and for showing me
your, uh, special book.

More men in it than
I would have expected.

Book is book.


Now, Subhas, you've
been with us a long time.

And you've done great work here.

But we need some new blood.

I've decided it's time
for you to step aside,

and Khonani will
take over at 11:30.

No, I am in a union.

Well, I have a contract.

Meeting over.

No, no, hold on.

There's always another option.

What if we reinvent
the way people think

about their nightly trash removal?

No, thank you.

What if the night shift
just got a whole lot earlier?

Gentlemen, there is a way for
everybody to get what they want

and for me to look
like a genius and a hero.

You are bull-crapping us.

No, I am not.

I am "innoventing".

A word that I just "innovented".


It's fresh.

Man, Tracy Sr. took off fast.

He did not want to live here.

Sir, far be it from me to

question a plan this well thought out,

but what's going to keep you
from just taking the collar off?

You're going to pour glue in the lock.

That's how my kids keep me
out of the liquor cabinet.

And of course,
I'll be here to help.

No, Ken.

There's something
else you have to do.

For all of us.

Unfortunately, there's
only one Tracy Jordan.

But sometimes, he is
needed in two places.

You are Tracy Jordan now.


Go save that party.

Yes, sir.

Wait, I don't walk that well.

There he is.

How's your first day going?

Oh, I don't know.

You tell me.

Khonani, I don't know
enough about being a janitor

to understand what
you're trying to tell me.

There's no trash, Jack.

Ever since you moved Subhas to
10:00, he takes all the trash.

No trash left for Khonani.

Okay, well, there's a solution to this.

What if you and Subhas share 11:30?

No, I wouldn't do that to 11:30.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

There are two people
who want the same thing.

They can't both have it.

You need to make a decision.

I can't.

Damn it, I can't.

Don't you think
I know what it's like

to have two amazing people
who both want the same thing?

I do.

And with Nancy and Avery,
I'm the thing, Khonani.

I'm the trash shift.

That sounds very difficult.

It's impossible.

It's paralyzed me.

I just want everyone to be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

One person's heart is
going to be broken.

You have to choose.

I'm sticking with Subhas, Khonani.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I know that was hard for you.

And don't worry.

I have a job for me at Fox...


Foxwoods Casino.

My cousin is head janitor there.

You ought to get
that cough checked out.

This better be "meetment".

I'm importing.

Mr. Jordan?

It's Kenneth Parcell.

From work and friendship.

Hey, Ken.

With all the excitement,

I forgot that Mrs. Jordan had asked me

to get her blood pressure medicine.

She left it in her car.

But sir, her car is
parked out on the street.

Oh, my God.

I know, it's outside the electric fence.

Oh, my God!

I just didn't want to go outside!

It's chilly!

I can come back.

This is all my fault.

No, this is something
I have to do myself.

You're a good
husband, Mr. Jordan.

Sir, is there any chance
your dog followed me here?

Yes, he probably
picked up your scent

and is hunting you.

I suggest you cut off a finger
and throw it in the river.

Wow, Liz!

Good work.

This looks like the
post-coital suite

at the N.B.A. All-Star Game.

Thanks, Jenna.

Well, so now that
everyone's here,

maybe someone
should say a few words.


♪ Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care ♪

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I... ♪

What are you doing?

Juice fast delirium, Liz.

I'm glad you could all
make it to Cerie's party.

I don't have a lot to say.

Just that the bar is open,

and the karaoke
machine is ready to go.

Karaoke? Awesome.


You think I don't
know what that is?

I know about
Thursday Night Thunder!

And I know that I'm not invited!


I deserve to be loved.

Oh, no, she's going wide.

I am a proud, single woman.

How did it become about this?

Go out the window,
save yourselves!

I may not have a real family,

but I thought at least
I had one at work.

Which is not what I wanted
for myself, by the way.

You think when I was a kid,

I dreamed of some day paying
$1200 for a karaoke machine

to impress a bunch of pasty losers?

And a professional singer who's
beautiful, but doesn't know it.

So now, let's all go around
the room and apologize to me.

Oh, my God.

This is the worst...

Oh, I had nowhere else to go!


Dog attack!


Maybe this doesn't work on people.

My neck!

My swan-like neck!

Must fight through it.

Also must weed lawn.

I made it.

I'm on the other side.

I'm free.

I can go anywhere I want.

Like Liz's party.

Or one of those places where
you skydive over a huge fan.

Hmm, maybe it doesn't
work on people anymore.

It still does!

Why is that thing following you?

Hunting me.

Electric collar.

There's no fire
escape in this room.

Why are we even here?

You make us show up,
you start yelling,

and then we get attacked by a dog.

Cerie didn't even come.

That's just a
cardboard cutout of her.

But I rescued her.

Everybody shut up!

We need to figure out
what we're going to do.

Oh, really?

Now I'm a part of the group?

Now, you like me
because you're in trouble

and you need someone
to bail you out?

Yes, that's exactly
why we like you.

We love you.

You solve our problems.

That's what you're good at.

So what if you're
not fun at parties?

Yeah, you know
who's fun at parties?

Paris Hilton.

Andy Dick.


And they're all
going to burn in hell.

Oh, God!

If you deliver me from this,

I promise every Sunday
for the rest of my life,

I'll go to...


I'm through it.

Pizza Hut!

I'll go to Pizza Hut.

Look, if this is a family,

that makes you the mom.

And you don't want to go
out drinking with your mom.

You want Mommy to
make the monsters go away.

Everything's going to be all right.


Okay, Tracy Sr.

Let's see what you've got.

Run, run, my losers!

Great party, Liz.

take some cupcakes!

Hi, Subhas.

I have an extra headshot
I was going to throw out.

Unless you want it for something.

No, you are not book.

But why?

What am I doing wrong?

Wanting to be book is not book.


So you solved
your janitor thing.

Now back to Nancy and Avery?

Top Gun high-five for courage?

Only because you look
like you need it so badly.

I'm fine with that.